GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 97
January 2011
Old Wanker’s Almanac
As luck would have it I once again found myself sitting next to the Old Wanker on a long flight recently and he was only too pleased to bend my ear with his predictions for the New Year:
January:
Ron Atkinson is the surprise choice as the new CEO of the FA. In his first interview Big Ron explains that he won’t be intimidated by any slimy degos or nig nogs at FIFA. Ron finds himself the latest ex CEO of the FA.
Following criticism of its new off-side rule, FIFA make a change in line with cricket’s no ball law which allows the bowler to throw with up to a 15 degrees elbow bend. In future players will not be adjudged off side so long as they are not more than 15 inches beyond the player keeping them on side. If they pretend that they are not interfering with play they will continue to be considered onside regardless of what position they take up.
The Queen offers to move out of Buckingham Palace so that the victorious Ashes retaining team can use it as their London base.
Arthur Smartahs is knighted in the New Year’s honours list.
Sam Allardyce offers to manage Stoke. He says that he will soon have them kicking shit out of anyone who gets in their way. It is pointed out to him that Stoke already play that way.
February:
Andy Flower is appointed Minister of Sport and is charged with winning the Olympics.
In a final throw of the dice Fabio Cappello picks David Beckham and makes him captain of England. He lines up alongside Jack and Bobby Charlton, Gordon Banks and Trevor Francis.
Following a bad run the Rangers drop out of the automatic promotion places.
Sam Allardyce offers to manage West Ham. He says that he will soon have them kicking shit out of anyone who gets in their way. They say “no thanks” they would rather be relegated.
March:
The county championship gets underway. Play continues despite snow at several venues. Over half of the championship matches will be completed by Easter. The remainder will be played in October and November.
Owais Shah scores a century on his debut for Essex.
Neil Dexter reads Mike Brearley’s book on captaincy and decides that he needs to field an experienced off spinner. Udal and Emburey turn him down but he manages to get Fred Titmus to turn out.
The Rangers bad run continues and they drop out of the play off places.
Steve Finn plays for Middlesex and gets dropped after going for seven an over in both innings.
Jamie Carragher is awarded the inaugural Thug of the Premiership award. He claims to have been humbled by the recognition and celebrates with a double yellow card in his next match.
Following a spate of injuries amongst their seamers, Angus Fraser and Richard Johnson open the bowling for Middlesex against Surrey at Lord’s.
Chris Rogers scores unbeaten triple centuries in each of his first three innings for Middlesex. He becomes the first player to reach 1000 runs without being dismissed.
Sam Allardyce offers to manage Liverpool. He says that he will soon have them kicking shit out of anyone who gets in their way. He is immediately appointed. The Board say that it is worth trying anything.
June:
Its unexpectedly sunny and following double figure attendances at some Twenty20 matches an extra 75 games are organised to try to cash in on this phenomenon.
Out and About with the Professor
Where Brisbane was brutal, Adelaide is, of course, all elegance. The ground, set on the north bank of the Torrens River could be an entry into our most-beautiful-setting-for-a-cricket-ground competition. It is surrounded by gardens, tennis courts and a golf course. Add to that the famous Cathedral and…well, the attached is the view from our hotel window…judge for yourself.
We strolled to the ground each day and, finally, saw the Ashes Test match we had all been waiting to see. We were sitting right behind Trott when he picked up, took careful aim and hit the base of the stumps. Then Anderson saw off the Captain and Vice Captain and it would be hard to overstate the euphoria in our section of the crowd. I don’t have the energy to check, but was this the worst ever start to an Ashes test? If that were not enough, the batting has been a revelation: Cook has silenced his many doubters (including yourself and myself James) and has developed an effective off-stump leave, pulling the bat inside the line a la Trescothick, which has served him well. For someone with technique problems, 450 for twice out doesn’t seem too bad. Trott, Pieterson and Strauss (when he decides to hit the ball) have all been excellent but, as so often, it is Bell who has caught the eye. He scarcely seems to play an ugly shot these days and if he ever gets a chance to bat for a long time on a decent track he will get stacks of runs and will be a joy to watch.
We played all the cricket in this game and it seemed that only the weather could save the Aussies. On the final morning someone asked me what I thought and I said that if we could get Hussey out we would win. When I got to my seat, someone was saying that if we got Hussey out we would win. In other words everybody knew that the only thing Hussey had to do was not get out. So why did he decide that a shoulder high ball two feet outside off stump was the ideal thing to hit over mid-wicket? All I can say is that I’m glad he did. Swann was always going to wrap it up after that and despite the 5-fer I still don’t think he has bowled as well as he might. Let’s hope he and the other bowlers (whoever they may be) can continue to improve, and by the time the December Googlies is out we have retained the urn.
A few additional observations:
1. You, I know James, do not approve of the Barmy Army while I am a devoted fan (with the modest proviso that I don’t want ever to be among them). But they have been terrific here, are hugely appreciated by the players …and even by the other spectators. They have occupied a grassy bank (inevitably “the Hill”) at one end of the ground and stood during the whole proceedings. For much of this match the temperature has been over 35 degrees in the shade…and they were not in any shade. It was a feat of endurance if nothing else. They are also witty in a football crowd sort of way – I particularly like their version of Australia’s most famous song where they describe exactly what they will do to Matilda should she venture in their direction.
2. We had rain in Brisbane and Adelaide and the pitch was covered with plastic sheets, i.e., neither ground has proper cricket covers. How can that be? World class venues without proper equipment. Strange as it may seem, both these grounds would fail the ground regulations for entry into the Home Counties Premiership League.
3. We stayed in the same hotel as the players and most of the press. When you get close to modern cricketers en masse you realise both how young they are and how tall. I’ve never thought of myself as particularly diminutive but Tremlett, Finn and Broad provide an impenetrable barrier around the toaster in the morning – like having breakfast in Brobdingnag. The Press circus meant that the Intercontinental Hotel could have fielded one of the strongest XIs to have played the game, select from: Warne, Slater, Healey, Taylor, Greig, Boycott, Botham, Gower, Hussein, Selvey, Pringle, Atherton, Miller, Morris, Benaud, Gatting…and we could throw in Geoff Cope and Simon Hughes (although I rather doubt they would have made the cut). Perhaps a little light in fast bowling – maybe Michael Holding was staying elsewhere.
4. There were some good examples of the absurdity of commercialism in the first two tests (its vulgarity is a given): first, the ludicrous revolving sight-screens which seldom have the blank side showing when the bowling starts, and secondly, the drinks breaks (of which there are many) which are “sponsored” (how do you sponsor a break?) by Gatorade (“the most popular sports drink on the Planet”). On each occasion a giant bottle of the stuff mounted on a golf buggy is driven on to the field of play. It is preceded by a chap who runs along until it stops near the players and then goes to the rear of the thing to get out two bottles of the noxious liquid and stands
there holding them up. None of the players go anywhere near him. After a couple of minutes he puts the bottles back in the “bottle” and runs off, to repeat the whole pointless exercise an hour later.
All in all this has been a wonderful trip; the weather, wine and food, and of course the cricket, have been exceptional (one hat-trick, two - nearly three - double hundreds and a victory by an innings) and it is marvellous to be in a country where cricket is so important. It is a topic of conversation everywhere: in bars, on buses, in the street. It is on the radio and (of course) free-to-air TV. It is a national game of nation concern. People in Adelaide or Brisbane would talk about the “match” – “are you going to the match?” “Have you been to the match?” No need to ask what match. I could have stopped anyone in Victoria Square, Adelaide and asked about the cricket and they would have known about it and probably had some idea of the score. Compare and contrast asking someone in Victoria Square, Birmingham when a test was on in Edgbaston – I doubt that one in a hundred would know or care. But they care here alright, especially when they are one down.
Middlesex Matters The Great Jack Morgan has been reviewing his annuals
D Shelley's match reports in the Annual Review are as riddled with errors as usual and the infection seems to be spreading to A Jones's comments on Second XI matters. I do not spend much time on the Middlesex junior teams, but I did happen to notice that the U-12s included a bowler with the magnificent name of Finn O'Brien! He could not have been named after our Test bowlers, of course, but there could hardly be a better name for a Middlesex bowler, unless it be Daniel Fraser! I do not suppose there is anyone out there called Titmus Tufnell is there?
As usual, I got J Agnew's Cricket Year for Christmas and turned immediately to the eight-page Middlesex section. Most of the commentary (mainly) written by Mark Pennell was interesting, but included a few debatable points (e.g. implying that there was nothing to choose between Scotty and Simmo behind the stumps and that Murts was the best of the seamers) and one great howling omission: there was absolutely no mention of the season's one huge and staggering bonus, the glorious emergence of the "unknown" Toby Roland-Jones, who topped the bowling averages in his debut season.
Ray Matters
Lord Ray was moved to send me the following after the events of Adelaide
As we celebrate England’s workmanlike win, which in itself may be enough to secure the Ashes, readers of Googlies may think it appropriate for me to join in the mass acclaim for the PPS being able, at last, to justify his place in the team. I offer these comments, therefore.
It was good to see the PPS actually playing straight on a fairly regular basis and to see him go on from the individual landmarks – 50, 100 etc – after which he often seems (to me, at least) to lose concentration and to get out stupidly. It is worth noting, though, that his dismissal when his captain would have wanted him to carry on to score quick runs, came about through exactly the brainless kind of non-cricket thinking shot – a swipe against the generous turn to a ball not sufficiently full for it, and far too wide to have any hope of success. The PPS brain, an inadequate instrument to judge from his “tweets” and other unconsidered comments, is not yet free of the self-destructive elements which cause him, in my view, to be a batsman of questionable value.
I found it interesting to read, in reports from many commentators usually supportive of him, that he had found it difficult to motivate himself against Bangladesh. I have only watched highlights and listened to the TMS offerings, but two things occur to me in watching the Australian attack, if that is the right word to use. Firstly, I believe that a number whose photographs have graced recent editions of Googlies would have made useful runs against Australia as it is at present; and secondly, I am not sure how many of the Australian bowlers would find a place in a Bangladesh team. One, perhaps? Certainly not poor Doherty, who would make little impression in the Middlesex League with his unintentional variations of line and length, albeit that he appears to put sufficient spin on the ball to qualify as a spinner.
In fact, the PPS looks as good as, if not better, than Doherty. With a modicum of effort, he could (and should, as a proper team member) make himself into sufficient a bowler – his original skill, incidentally – to offer a captain some reasonable overs when the attack is under pressure for whatever reason. If Collingwood is thought good enough, the bar is not set impossibly high, dependable and intelligent cricketer though Collingwood is.
My feeling is that the PPS has been the beneficiary of the hard yards that were put in by Strauss, Cook and Trott, and which appear – if not to have broken the spirit of the Aussies – to have caused them to ask themselves the question which has not been asked by them for many seasons, namely, are we good enough for this lot? It may be that getting these runs will bring about a rediscovery of the ability that has been absent from the PPS for some time. If so, that can only be good for England. However, I like to see more than one swallow before I believe that summer has arrived. As Cook has done, the PPS has to show that this was not just a flash in a poorly primed pan.
And then after Perth
Oh dear! Never put the opposition in whatever the pitch may look like. I fear the hubristic attitude, which affected the entire England camp, and the English Press - with the honourable exception, perhaps, of Geoff Boycott - was only partially justifiable. Yes, we have a decent bowling squad with reasonable depth, and the batsmen appeared to be reaching a state of efficiency close to that which the Aussies had displayed for so long, and the fielding was genuinely high quality. But, one swallow does not make a summer and we need to see a proper series of results before we start talking of the England side being near to world supremacy. England appeared unable to keep runs down between periods of attack with the new ball. As I feared, the PPS big innings, made as it was in favourable conditions - an easy wicket, demoralised bowlers, and a situation without pressure when he went in with only 40 or so wanted for the lead - did not mean that he had sorted out his game. The two dismissals in this Test - playing across to be lbw when the situation demanded he play straight up the line, and hanging his bat out to one which most second eleven players would have left - show that he is taking a batting place that Morgan must be able to fill far more efficiently.
I seem to be the only one who thinks Johnson bowled early banana swing. I keep reading that his swing was late. I am only judging by the highlights and listening to TMS but I did not see late swing in his dismissals. I seem to remember, but memory may be playing me false, a number of decent club batsmen who were not to be undone by somebody swinging the ball that early. Good bowlers do it later than Johnson but perhaps there are too few real practitioners these days, and batsmen do not get accustomed to swing of any kind now.
I couldn’t help throwing in my own two penneth Batsmen these days are so used to playing in perfect batting conditions that any deviation in the air or off the pitch will inevitably prove their undoing. Their technique is based on being able to hit anything, which we can blamed on 20/20, and they cannot adapt to anything demanding. Prior to Perth the commentators all said that they needed to play straight and expect steeper bounce from length deliveries. No doubt the batting coaches said the same. Nevertheless, they were all seen to be trying to work the ball to mid wicket. These guys all get out to Anderson at Trent Bridge let alone how they would fare against Titmus at Lords in August or Cartwright on an uncovered damp wicket. Incidentally I think it is Johnson's unpredictability rather than swing which is his weapon. I remember the Headingley test when at 90mph the batsman has no idea where the next delivery is going to come. The reaction is then to follow the ball with inevitable consequences. Any swing just adds to the mix.
County Championship team of the Season The Great Jack Morgan liked the side in the last edition
That was a nicely balanced team from S Shemilt and S Marshall in Googlies 96 but why apologise for picking five bowlers, especially as all of them can bat? They mention that numbers 6,7,8 and 9 can bat, but no 10, Andre Adams, has a career batting average of nearly 23 and no 11, Murali Kartik, has a career batting average of nearly 20, so there is no tail-ender in the team and Adams's record is actually superior to that of the no 9, Neil Carter, who has been known to open the innings (though mainly in one-dayers).
Couples Matters Much has been made in the sleazy press recently about the supposed unlikely pairing of Hamburger and Liz Hurley. However, the Googlies roving reporters have spotted several far more unlikely couples on their travels recently:
Bomber Wells and Bette Middler
Ian Botham and Mother Theresa
Sachin Tendulkar and Janet Street Porter
Shane Warne and Ann Widdicombe
KP and Germaine Greer
Rev David Sheppard and Mandy Rice Davies
Matthew Hayden and Jordan
Shane Warne and Joan Sutherland Alastair Cook and Madonna
Steve Finn and Sandy Toksvyg
Shane Warne and Joan Bakewell
Henry Blofeld and Lady Gaga
Harry Pilling and Naomi Campbell
Mark Cosgrove and Angelina Jolie
Shane Warne and Mary Whitehouse
Chris Gayle and Hilary Clinton
Mitchell Johnson and Angela Merkel
Match Report
The following match took place on Sunday 1st July 1973 at Milverton Road
Steve Wright’s recent recollections of a Shepherds Bush fixture against the Public School Wanderers in the late sixties brought back my own memories of an encounter with them a few season’s later. I don’t know how we came to have the fixture or indeed whether the members of Pom Pom’s side were indeed the product of private education.
It was an all day match that was in itself relatively unusual at South Hampstead. We had a mediocre batting line up missing, unusually, Terry Cordaroy and after winning the toss Don Wallis invited me to open with Steve Thompson. During my formative years I had the enormous privilege of batting a lot with Terry Cordaroy. Steve Thompson, who had been capped for England schools, was of the next generation and although I played with him throughout the seventies I only rarely got to bat with him as I found myself wicket keeping, captaining and spending less time up the order.
I seem to remember it being a fine day and a good wicket. We made steady progress in the first hour and went on to complete a hundred opening partnership in eighty-one minutes. In the final half hour before lunch things speeded up and we went into lunch at 165 for 0 with Steve leading the way on 85. I appreciated during this session how good players score faster than you think because they accumulate without playing big shots. Like Terry, Steve would consistently work the good length ball on the stumps wide of mid on for ones and twos.
This was an exciting position to be in at lunch. I had never taken part in a double century stand and was yet to score a weekend hundred for the club. Both were decided possibilities in the post lunch session. In the event Steve was bowled in the first over after lunch and I found it increasingly difficult to get the ball away. However, at the other end Nigel Ross was having no such difficulties and he was creaming it all over the place. It was no doubt a relief to the rest of the side when I was bowled for 78, which allowed Mike Langley, Mike John and Ian Jerman to flay it around before Don declared on 299 for 6 from 61.4 overs.
Our bowling line up was strong and Ossie Burton, Geoff Howe, Alan Cox and Ian Jerman reduced the PSW to 46 for 6 before Price and Fellows-Smith put up some resistance. Nigel Ross was a talented cricketer but a menace to captain because he got bored easily if not taking part in the action. On this occasion he managed to persuade Don to give him a bowl and it was he who broke this partnership. Geoff Howe almost cleaned up the tail finishing with 4 for 23. Fellows-Smith hung on with Herber Davies and the innings closed on 169 for 9 from 61 overs.
I may have missed my own personal milestones and, in fact, never did score a weekend hundred for the club. But this was the highest total the club achieved during my nineteen playing years from 1963 to 1981.
Surrey twos Matters
I have these reports left over from the Great Jack Morgan’s trips south of the Thames in 2010
I went to Cheam in very hot weather for the 50 over game between Surrey 2s and the Minor Counties XI and saw a very entertaining match in which over 600 runs were scored. As expected, there were no stars in the MC team, but Surrey supporters soon spotted former players Chris Murtagh and Neil Saker in the visitors’ ranks. Surrey opener Tom Lancefield put on 64 for the first wicket in 10 overs with his partner Mr Cousens, about whom I can tell you nothing, except that he is a tall young left-hander who batted very pleasantly and has a penchant for the hook, which led to his downfall on 36. This brought skipper Laurie Evans to the crease and he and Lancefield were untroubled in adding 145 before the latter fell for a well-struck 92. Evans (119) carried on almost to the end, but all of his remaining partners failed to capitalise as the posse of Minor spinners picked up 7 wickets between them with off-spinner Barry Bush (3 wickets) and slow left armer Chris Metters (2), the pick of them. Although the final total of 317 all out was something of a disappointment, Surrey surely thought that this would be enough to ensure a comfortable victory.
Minor openers Murtagh and F Quereshi had totally different ideas and embarked on an excellent stand of 139, which put the visitors in with a surprisingly good chance. Again, I know nothing about Mr Quereshi, except that he is an extremely accomplished left-hander with a long spade-shaped beard and that the quality of his stroke-play probably slightly exceeded that of his partner before he was run out for 64. Murtagh went on to 70 (though the terrible scoreboard assured us for an eternity that it was his partner Sean Park who was the man out), but the rate required was creeping up and the new batsmen were having to take chances before they were settled. Fortunately, the Minors found just the man to take on the challenge and that man was 30 year old South African keeper/ batsman Park. Sean managed to bat with both beauty and power to keep his team in the match. He got some support from Bush (23) and Saker (25), but in the end it was all too much as Park eventually fell for 82 and the Minors finished on 297 for 8, making roughly 614 runs in the match; I say “roughly” because the score boarding was very approximate right through to the end. Surrey also relied heavily on spin and the best of their four young spinners was the left armer Edward Young (2 wickets) from Chertsey, who has played for the MCC Universities, but the most impressive home bowler was 18 year old paceman Matthew Dunn, who picked up 3 wickets, while Tom Jewell also collected 2.
I went to Whitgift School for the 50 over Second XI match between Surrey and Northants and saw Surrey again set a total of more than 300. The basis of this total was a second wicket stand of 81 between South African left handed opener Luc Durandt (ex-Middx 2s) who made a good looking 58 and skipper Usman Afzaal (ex-England) who went on to an excellent 94. Keeper Rory Burns (37) and Kenyan Seren Waters (33) were the other main contributors before it all got rather frantic towards the end of the innings as 100 runs were added (including six penalty runs conceded by Northants for bowling their overs too slowly) and six wickets fell in the last 10 overs as Surrey closed on 310 for 9, David Wigley picking up 4 wickets.
Northants openers keeper Paul Harrison and Vishal Tripathi from Burnley put on 62 for the first wicket before Tripathi fell for 29, but he was replaced by skipper Rob White and the visitors flourished to such an extent that after 35 overs, Northants had reached 183, the exact score that Surrey had been at that stage. However, things now started to go wrong as, after a stand of 122 with Harrison, White was run out for 65 and the new batsmen did not have any time to settle before they had to try to match the 10 runs per over that Surrey had achieved in their last ten overs. Only newcomer RJ Findlay (31) was able to stay with Harrison (95) for long before a clatter of wickets signalled the end of the Northants challenge on 274 for 9. Matthew Dunn, Muhunthan Arinath and Simon King all collected two wickets each and 584 runs and 18 wickets provided a good day's entertainment.
Some Googlies readers are acquainted with Gavin Baker who bowled usefully for Northants and took the wicket of Afzaal, slogged a quick 13 at no 10 as the visitors' hopes had all but gone and featured in a remarkable dismissal towards the end of the Surrey innings, though his part in it was incidental. A ball was hit very high down to long on where left handed allrounder David Willey (20 year old son of Peter) leapt high to his left to take a brilliant catch, but realising that he was about to fall over the boundary and concede six runs, his quick thinking allowed him to throw the ball, whilst still in the air, 20 or 30 yards with precision to Gavin who completed the dismissal with comfort!
Football Matters-1
The Great jack Morgan sent me this
“Great news that the football world cup is going to Russia; it would have been intolerable to have it here. We have to give thanks for the corruptness of FIFA.”
Football Matters-2
Apparently I am a laughing stock at Andrew Baker’s Ladies Football Team. No one can believe that I was taken in by his claim that they were using the Aquatic Lanceless Jousting as a training technique that I published in the last issue. I suppose that I am courting more ridicule by publishing this photo of his midfield star who I am told was caught up in the BP oil spill.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 97
January 2011
Old Wanker’s Almanac
As luck would have it I once again found myself sitting next to the Old Wanker on a long flight recently and he was only too pleased to bend my ear with his predictions for the New Year:
January:
Ron Atkinson is the surprise choice as the new CEO of the FA. In his first interview Big Ron explains that he won’t be intimidated by any slimy degos or nig nogs at FIFA. Ron finds himself the latest ex CEO of the FA.
Following criticism of its new off-side rule, FIFA make a change in line with cricket’s no ball law which allows the bowler to throw with up to a 15 degrees elbow bend. In future players will not be adjudged off side so long as they are not more than 15 inches beyond the player keeping them on side. If they pretend that they are not interfering with play they will continue to be considered onside regardless of what position they take up.
The Queen offers to move out of Buckingham Palace so that the victorious Ashes retaining team can use it as their London base.
Arthur Smartahs is knighted in the New Year’s honours list.
Sam Allardyce offers to manage Stoke. He says that he will soon have them kicking shit out of anyone who gets in their way. It is pointed out to him that Stoke already play that way.
February:
Andy Flower is appointed Minister of Sport and is charged with winning the Olympics.
In a final throw of the dice Fabio Cappello picks David Beckham and makes him captain of England. He lines up alongside Jack and Bobby Charlton, Gordon Banks and Trevor Francis.
Following a bad run the Rangers drop out of the automatic promotion places.
Sam Allardyce offers to manage West Ham. He says that he will soon have them kicking shit out of anyone who gets in their way. They say “no thanks” they would rather be relegated.
March:
The county championship gets underway. Play continues despite snow at several venues. Over half of the championship matches will be completed by Easter. The remainder will be played in October and November.
Owais Shah scores a century on his debut for Essex.
Neil Dexter reads Mike Brearley’s book on captaincy and decides that he needs to field an experienced off spinner. Udal and Emburey turn him down but he manages to get Fred Titmus to turn out.
The Rangers bad run continues and they drop out of the play off places.
Steve Finn plays for Middlesex and gets dropped after going for seven an over in both innings.
Jamie Carragher is awarded the inaugural Thug of the Premiership award. He claims to have been humbled by the recognition and celebrates with a double yellow card in his next match.
Following a spate of injuries amongst their seamers, Angus Fraser and Richard Johnson open the bowling for Middlesex against Surrey at Lord’s.
Chris Rogers scores unbeaten triple centuries in each of his first three innings for Middlesex. He becomes the first player to reach 1000 runs without being dismissed.
Sam Allardyce offers to manage Liverpool. He says that he will soon have them kicking shit out of anyone who gets in their way. He is immediately appointed. The Board say that it is worth trying anything.
June:
Its unexpectedly sunny and following double figure attendances at some Twenty20 matches an extra 75 games are organised to try to cash in on this phenomenon.
Out and About with the Professor
Where Brisbane was brutal, Adelaide is, of course, all elegance. The ground, set on the north bank of the Torrens River could be an entry into our most-beautiful-setting-for-a-cricket-ground competition. It is surrounded by gardens, tennis courts and a golf course. Add to that the famous Cathedral and…well, the attached is the view from our hotel window…judge for yourself.
We strolled to the ground each day and, finally, saw the Ashes Test match we had all been waiting to see. We were sitting right behind Trott when he picked up, took careful aim and hit the base of the stumps. Then Anderson saw off the Captain and Vice Captain and it would be hard to overstate the euphoria in our section of the crowd. I don’t have the energy to check, but was this the worst ever start to an Ashes test? If that were not enough, the batting has been a revelation: Cook has silenced his many doubters (including yourself and myself James) and has developed an effective off-stump leave, pulling the bat inside the line a la Trescothick, which has served him well. For someone with technique problems, 450 for twice out doesn’t seem too bad. Trott, Pieterson and Strauss (when he decides to hit the ball) have all been excellent but, as so often, it is Bell who has caught the eye. He scarcely seems to play an ugly shot these days and if he ever gets a chance to bat for a long time on a decent track he will get stacks of runs and will be a joy to watch.
We played all the cricket in this game and it seemed that only the weather could save the Aussies. On the final morning someone asked me what I thought and I said that if we could get Hussey out we would win. When I got to my seat, someone was saying that if we got Hussey out we would win. In other words everybody knew that the only thing Hussey had to do was not get out. So why did he decide that a shoulder high ball two feet outside off stump was the ideal thing to hit over mid-wicket? All I can say is that I’m glad he did. Swann was always going to wrap it up after that and despite the 5-fer I still don’t think he has bowled as well as he might. Let’s hope he and the other bowlers (whoever they may be) can continue to improve, and by the time the December Googlies is out we have retained the urn.
A few additional observations:
1. You, I know James, do not approve of the Barmy Army while I am a devoted fan (with the modest proviso that I don’t want ever to be among them). But they have been terrific here, are hugely appreciated by the players …and even by the other spectators. They have occupied a grassy bank (inevitably “the Hill”) at one end of the ground and stood during the whole proceedings. For much of this match the temperature has been over 35 degrees in the shade…and they were not in any shade. It was a feat of endurance if nothing else. They are also witty in a football crowd sort of way – I particularly like their version of Australia’s most famous song where they describe exactly what they will do to Matilda should she venture in their direction.
2. We had rain in Brisbane and Adelaide and the pitch was covered with plastic sheets, i.e., neither ground has proper cricket covers. How can that be? World class venues without proper equipment. Strange as it may seem, both these grounds would fail the ground regulations for entry into the Home Counties Premiership League.
3. We stayed in the same hotel as the players and most of the press. When you get close to modern cricketers en masse you realise both how young they are and how tall. I’ve never thought of myself as particularly diminutive but Tremlett, Finn and Broad provide an impenetrable barrier around the toaster in the morning – like having breakfast in Brobdingnag. The Press circus meant that the Intercontinental Hotel could have fielded one of the strongest XIs to have played the game, select from: Warne, Slater, Healey, Taylor, Greig, Boycott, Botham, Gower, Hussein, Selvey, Pringle, Atherton, Miller, Morris, Benaud, Gatting…and we could throw in Geoff Cope and Simon Hughes (although I rather doubt they would have made the cut). Perhaps a little light in fast bowling – maybe Michael Holding was staying elsewhere.
4. There were some good examples of the absurdity of commercialism in the first two tests (its vulgarity is a given): first, the ludicrous revolving sight-screens which seldom have the blank side showing when the bowling starts, and secondly, the drinks breaks (of which there are many) which are “sponsored” (how do you sponsor a break?) by Gatorade (“the most popular sports drink on the Planet”). On each occasion a giant bottle of the stuff mounted on a golf buggy is driven on to the field of play. It is preceded by a chap who runs along until it stops near the players and then goes to the rear of the thing to get out two bottles of the noxious liquid and stands
there holding them up. None of the players go anywhere near him. After a couple of minutes he puts the bottles back in the “bottle” and runs off, to repeat the whole pointless exercise an hour later.
All in all this has been a wonderful trip; the weather, wine and food, and of course the cricket, have been exceptional (one hat-trick, two - nearly three - double hundreds and a victory by an innings) and it is marvellous to be in a country where cricket is so important. It is a topic of conversation everywhere: in bars, on buses, in the street. It is on the radio and (of course) free-to-air TV. It is a national game of nation concern. People in Adelaide or Brisbane would talk about the “match” – “are you going to the match?” “Have you been to the match?” No need to ask what match. I could have stopped anyone in Victoria Square, Adelaide and asked about the cricket and they would have known about it and probably had some idea of the score. Compare and contrast asking someone in Victoria Square, Birmingham when a test was on in Edgbaston – I doubt that one in a hundred would know or care. But they care here alright, especially when they are one down.
Middlesex Matters The Great Jack Morgan has been reviewing his annuals
D Shelley's match reports in the Annual Review are as riddled with errors as usual and the infection seems to be spreading to A Jones's comments on Second XI matters. I do not spend much time on the Middlesex junior teams, but I did happen to notice that the U-12s included a bowler with the magnificent name of Finn O'Brien! He could not have been named after our Test bowlers, of course, but there could hardly be a better name for a Middlesex bowler, unless it be Daniel Fraser! I do not suppose there is anyone out there called Titmus Tufnell is there?
As usual, I got J Agnew's Cricket Year for Christmas and turned immediately to the eight-page Middlesex section. Most of the commentary (mainly) written by Mark Pennell was interesting, but included a few debatable points (e.g. implying that there was nothing to choose between Scotty and Simmo behind the stumps and that Murts was the best of the seamers) and one great howling omission: there was absolutely no mention of the season's one huge and staggering bonus, the glorious emergence of the "unknown" Toby Roland-Jones, who topped the bowling averages in his debut season.
Ray Matters
Lord Ray was moved to send me the following after the events of Adelaide
As we celebrate England’s workmanlike win, which in itself may be enough to secure the Ashes, readers of Googlies may think it appropriate for me to join in the mass acclaim for the PPS being able, at last, to justify his place in the team. I offer these comments, therefore.
It was good to see the PPS actually playing straight on a fairly regular basis and to see him go on from the individual landmarks – 50, 100 etc – after which he often seems (to me, at least) to lose concentration and to get out stupidly. It is worth noting, though, that his dismissal when his captain would have wanted him to carry on to score quick runs, came about through exactly the brainless kind of non-cricket thinking shot – a swipe against the generous turn to a ball not sufficiently full for it, and far too wide to have any hope of success. The PPS brain, an inadequate instrument to judge from his “tweets” and other unconsidered comments, is not yet free of the self-destructive elements which cause him, in my view, to be a batsman of questionable value.
I found it interesting to read, in reports from many commentators usually supportive of him, that he had found it difficult to motivate himself against Bangladesh. I have only watched highlights and listened to the TMS offerings, but two things occur to me in watching the Australian attack, if that is the right word to use. Firstly, I believe that a number whose photographs have graced recent editions of Googlies would have made useful runs against Australia as it is at present; and secondly, I am not sure how many of the Australian bowlers would find a place in a Bangladesh team. One, perhaps? Certainly not poor Doherty, who would make little impression in the Middlesex League with his unintentional variations of line and length, albeit that he appears to put sufficient spin on the ball to qualify as a spinner.
In fact, the PPS looks as good as, if not better, than Doherty. With a modicum of effort, he could (and should, as a proper team member) make himself into sufficient a bowler – his original skill, incidentally – to offer a captain some reasonable overs when the attack is under pressure for whatever reason. If Collingwood is thought good enough, the bar is not set impossibly high, dependable and intelligent cricketer though Collingwood is.
My feeling is that the PPS has been the beneficiary of the hard yards that were put in by Strauss, Cook and Trott, and which appear – if not to have broken the spirit of the Aussies – to have caused them to ask themselves the question which has not been asked by them for many seasons, namely, are we good enough for this lot? It may be that getting these runs will bring about a rediscovery of the ability that has been absent from the PPS for some time. If so, that can only be good for England. However, I like to see more than one swallow before I believe that summer has arrived. As Cook has done, the PPS has to show that this was not just a flash in a poorly primed pan.
And then after Perth
Oh dear! Never put the opposition in whatever the pitch may look like. I fear the hubristic attitude, which affected the entire England camp, and the English Press - with the honourable exception, perhaps, of Geoff Boycott - was only partially justifiable. Yes, we have a decent bowling squad with reasonable depth, and the batsmen appeared to be reaching a state of efficiency close to that which the Aussies had displayed for so long, and the fielding was genuinely high quality. But, one swallow does not make a summer and we need to see a proper series of results before we start talking of the England side being near to world supremacy. England appeared unable to keep runs down between periods of attack with the new ball. As I feared, the PPS big innings, made as it was in favourable conditions - an easy wicket, demoralised bowlers, and a situation without pressure when he went in with only 40 or so wanted for the lead - did not mean that he had sorted out his game. The two dismissals in this Test - playing across to be lbw when the situation demanded he play straight up the line, and hanging his bat out to one which most second eleven players would have left - show that he is taking a batting place that Morgan must be able to fill far more efficiently.
I seem to be the only one who thinks Johnson bowled early banana swing. I keep reading that his swing was late. I am only judging by the highlights and listening to TMS but I did not see late swing in his dismissals. I seem to remember, but memory may be playing me false, a number of decent club batsmen who were not to be undone by somebody swinging the ball that early. Good bowlers do it later than Johnson but perhaps there are too few real practitioners these days, and batsmen do not get accustomed to swing of any kind now.
I couldn’t help throwing in my own two penneth Batsmen these days are so used to playing in perfect batting conditions that any deviation in the air or off the pitch will inevitably prove their undoing. Their technique is based on being able to hit anything, which we can blamed on 20/20, and they cannot adapt to anything demanding. Prior to Perth the commentators all said that they needed to play straight and expect steeper bounce from length deliveries. No doubt the batting coaches said the same. Nevertheless, they were all seen to be trying to work the ball to mid wicket. These guys all get out to Anderson at Trent Bridge let alone how they would fare against Titmus at Lords in August or Cartwright on an uncovered damp wicket. Incidentally I think it is Johnson's unpredictability rather than swing which is his weapon. I remember the Headingley test when at 90mph the batsman has no idea where the next delivery is going to come. The reaction is then to follow the ball with inevitable consequences. Any swing just adds to the mix.
County Championship team of the Season The Great Jack Morgan liked the side in the last edition
That was a nicely balanced team from S Shemilt and S Marshall in Googlies 96 but why apologise for picking five bowlers, especially as all of them can bat? They mention that numbers 6,7,8 and 9 can bat, but no 10, Andre Adams, has a career batting average of nearly 23 and no 11, Murali Kartik, has a career batting average of nearly 20, so there is no tail-ender in the team and Adams's record is actually superior to that of the no 9, Neil Carter, who has been known to open the innings (though mainly in one-dayers).
Couples Matters Much has been made in the sleazy press recently about the supposed unlikely pairing of Hamburger and Liz Hurley. However, the Googlies roving reporters have spotted several far more unlikely couples on their travels recently:
Bomber Wells and Bette Middler
Ian Botham and Mother Theresa
Sachin Tendulkar and Janet Street Porter
Shane Warne and Ann Widdicombe
KP and Germaine Greer
Rev David Sheppard and Mandy Rice Davies
Matthew Hayden and Jordan
Shane Warne and Joan Sutherland Alastair Cook and Madonna
Steve Finn and Sandy Toksvyg
Shane Warne and Joan Bakewell
Henry Blofeld and Lady Gaga
Harry Pilling and Naomi Campbell
Mark Cosgrove and Angelina Jolie
Shane Warne and Mary Whitehouse
Chris Gayle and Hilary Clinton
Mitchell Johnson and Angela Merkel
Match Report
The following match took place on Sunday 1st July 1973 at Milverton Road
Steve Wright’s recent recollections of a Shepherds Bush fixture against the Public School Wanderers in the late sixties brought back my own memories of an encounter with them a few season’s later. I don’t know how we came to have the fixture or indeed whether the members of Pom Pom’s side were indeed the product of private education.
It was an all day match that was in itself relatively unusual at South Hampstead. We had a mediocre batting line up missing, unusually, Terry Cordaroy and after winning the toss Don Wallis invited me to open with Steve Thompson. During my formative years I had the enormous privilege of batting a lot with Terry Cordaroy. Steve Thompson, who had been capped for England schools, was of the next generation and although I played with him throughout the seventies I only rarely got to bat with him as I found myself wicket keeping, captaining and spending less time up the order.
I seem to remember it being a fine day and a good wicket. We made steady progress in the first hour and went on to complete a hundred opening partnership in eighty-one minutes. In the final half hour before lunch things speeded up and we went into lunch at 165 for 0 with Steve leading the way on 85. I appreciated during this session how good players score faster than you think because they accumulate without playing big shots. Like Terry, Steve would consistently work the good length ball on the stumps wide of mid on for ones and twos.
This was an exciting position to be in at lunch. I had never taken part in a double century stand and was yet to score a weekend hundred for the club. Both were decided possibilities in the post lunch session. In the event Steve was bowled in the first over after lunch and I found it increasingly difficult to get the ball away. However, at the other end Nigel Ross was having no such difficulties and he was creaming it all over the place. It was no doubt a relief to the rest of the side when I was bowled for 78, which allowed Mike Langley, Mike John and Ian Jerman to flay it around before Don declared on 299 for 6 from 61.4 overs.
Our bowling line up was strong and Ossie Burton, Geoff Howe, Alan Cox and Ian Jerman reduced the PSW to 46 for 6 before Price and Fellows-Smith put up some resistance. Nigel Ross was a talented cricketer but a menace to captain because he got bored easily if not taking part in the action. On this occasion he managed to persuade Don to give him a bowl and it was he who broke this partnership. Geoff Howe almost cleaned up the tail finishing with 4 for 23. Fellows-Smith hung on with Herber Davies and the innings closed on 169 for 9 from 61 overs.
I may have missed my own personal milestones and, in fact, never did score a weekend hundred for the club. But this was the highest total the club achieved during my nineteen playing years from 1963 to 1981.
Surrey twos Matters
I have these reports left over from the Great Jack Morgan’s trips south of the Thames in 2010
I went to Cheam in very hot weather for the 50 over game between Surrey 2s and the Minor Counties XI and saw a very entertaining match in which over 600 runs were scored. As expected, there were no stars in the MC team, but Surrey supporters soon spotted former players Chris Murtagh and Neil Saker in the visitors’ ranks. Surrey opener Tom Lancefield put on 64 for the first wicket in 10 overs with his partner Mr Cousens, about whom I can tell you nothing, except that he is a tall young left-hander who batted very pleasantly and has a penchant for the hook, which led to his downfall on 36. This brought skipper Laurie Evans to the crease and he and Lancefield were untroubled in adding 145 before the latter fell for a well-struck 92. Evans (119) carried on almost to the end, but all of his remaining partners failed to capitalise as the posse of Minor spinners picked up 7 wickets between them with off-spinner Barry Bush (3 wickets) and slow left armer Chris Metters (2), the pick of them. Although the final total of 317 all out was something of a disappointment, Surrey surely thought that this would be enough to ensure a comfortable victory.
Minor openers Murtagh and F Quereshi had totally different ideas and embarked on an excellent stand of 139, which put the visitors in with a surprisingly good chance. Again, I know nothing about Mr Quereshi, except that he is an extremely accomplished left-hander with a long spade-shaped beard and that the quality of his stroke-play probably slightly exceeded that of his partner before he was run out for 64. Murtagh went on to 70 (though the terrible scoreboard assured us for an eternity that it was his partner Sean Park who was the man out), but the rate required was creeping up and the new batsmen were having to take chances before they were settled. Fortunately, the Minors found just the man to take on the challenge and that man was 30 year old South African keeper/ batsman Park. Sean managed to bat with both beauty and power to keep his team in the match. He got some support from Bush (23) and Saker (25), but in the end it was all too much as Park eventually fell for 82 and the Minors finished on 297 for 8, making roughly 614 runs in the match; I say “roughly” because the score boarding was very approximate right through to the end. Surrey also relied heavily on spin and the best of their four young spinners was the left armer Edward Young (2 wickets) from Chertsey, who has played for the MCC Universities, but the most impressive home bowler was 18 year old paceman Matthew Dunn, who picked up 3 wickets, while Tom Jewell also collected 2.
I went to Whitgift School for the 50 over Second XI match between Surrey and Northants and saw Surrey again set a total of more than 300. The basis of this total was a second wicket stand of 81 between South African left handed opener Luc Durandt (ex-Middx 2s) who made a good looking 58 and skipper Usman Afzaal (ex-England) who went on to an excellent 94. Keeper Rory Burns (37) and Kenyan Seren Waters (33) were the other main contributors before it all got rather frantic towards the end of the innings as 100 runs were added (including six penalty runs conceded by Northants for bowling their overs too slowly) and six wickets fell in the last 10 overs as Surrey closed on 310 for 9, David Wigley picking up 4 wickets.
Northants openers keeper Paul Harrison and Vishal Tripathi from Burnley put on 62 for the first wicket before Tripathi fell for 29, but he was replaced by skipper Rob White and the visitors flourished to such an extent that after 35 overs, Northants had reached 183, the exact score that Surrey had been at that stage. However, things now started to go wrong as, after a stand of 122 with Harrison, White was run out for 65 and the new batsmen did not have any time to settle before they had to try to match the 10 runs per over that Surrey had achieved in their last ten overs. Only newcomer RJ Findlay (31) was able to stay with Harrison (95) for long before a clatter of wickets signalled the end of the Northants challenge on 274 for 9. Matthew Dunn, Muhunthan Arinath and Simon King all collected two wickets each and 584 runs and 18 wickets provided a good day's entertainment.
Some Googlies readers are acquainted with Gavin Baker who bowled usefully for Northants and took the wicket of Afzaal, slogged a quick 13 at no 10 as the visitors' hopes had all but gone and featured in a remarkable dismissal towards the end of the Surrey innings, though his part in it was incidental. A ball was hit very high down to long on where left handed allrounder David Willey (20 year old son of Peter) leapt high to his left to take a brilliant catch, but realising that he was about to fall over the boundary and concede six runs, his quick thinking allowed him to throw the ball, whilst still in the air, 20 or 30 yards with precision to Gavin who completed the dismissal with comfort!
Football Matters-1
The Great jack Morgan sent me this
“Great news that the football world cup is going to Russia; it would have been intolerable to have it here. We have to give thanks for the corruptness of FIFA.”
Football Matters-2
Apparently I am a laughing stock at Andrew Baker’s Ladies Football Team. No one can believe that I was taken in by his claim that they were using the Aquatic Lanceless Jousting as a training technique that I published in the last issue. I suppose that I am courting more ridicule by publishing this photo of his midfield star who I am told was caught up in the BP oil spill.
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