GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 157
January 2016
Old Wanker’s Almanac
I hadn’t seen him for ages but Old Hairy Palms bent my ear again recently
January
In the January Transfer Window Aston Villa replace their entire staff
Sepp Blatter joins forces with Bernie Ecclestone and they buy up Manchester United from the Glazers. They claim that they want to clean up the Premier League but Blatter bungles his first transfer saying that he has always understood that the money comes to him.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink sports a huge smile and says that he loves being the Rangers manager.
Liverpool officially become the Liverpool Red Sox. Their owners say that it is to enable them to market their various franchises globally with a consistent brand image. Phil Thompson says he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about since they have always worn red sox anyway.
The West Indies select three schoolboys for their test series against Zimbabwe. The odd thing is not their age but the fact that they have not played cricket before.
Jose Mourinho disappears.
February
At the Annual Sports Dinner the Funniest Name award goes to QPR’s Toszer and the Worst Haircut in International Cricket goes to Imran Tahir.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink manages a smile and says that his first win as Rangers manager is just around the corner.
An arrest warrant is issued for Lord Coe for offences in connection with the awarding of IAAF contracts to Eugene, Oregon. Coe takes up residence with Julian Assange at the Ecuadorian Embassy to avoid extradition.
There are rumoured sightings of Jose Mourinho at a Port Vale reserve match.
The County Championship kicks off at Lord’s on February 18. Mick Hunt, the groundsman, says that you can only see the frost on the wicket because he is instructed to leave the grass so long.
Aston Villa are relegated with three months of the season to go.
March
Unbelievably England call up Jade Dernbach for the World T20.
Brendan McCullum becomes the first batsman to score a double century in a T20 match. He is dismissed in the thirteenth over.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink looks crestfallen as the Rangers slip into the relegation zone.
Tyson Fury invites Alison Mitchell to become his Personal Manager. He explains that she may not know much about boxing but has great knockers.
At the T20 World Cup action replays are banned following the Kisses for Sixes Scandal.
Moeen Ali is called for throwing.
April
KP signs a short term contract with Devon to play in the Minor Counties Championship. He says that if he performs well he expects to be back in the England side.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink grimaces as the Rangers drop into the relegation zone.
Still no sign of Jose Mourinho
Jeremy Corbyn is arrested.
May
Mark Wood is left out of the first test against Sri Lanka in case he gets injured during it.
The ICC eventually bow to the inevitable and allow chairs to be placed around the edge of the square to make the drinks intervals more comfortable for the players.
Alison Mitchell is appointed manager of the West Indies Cricket Team. The West Indies Board accepts that it may seem an odd appointment.
The delight in the Premiership that trips to the North East to play at Newcastle and Sunderland will no longer be necessary are tempered by Middlesborough’s promotion.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink looks relieved as he is “let go”.
June
Mohammed Hafeez runs out all Pakistan batsmen in an extraordinary innings. He explains afterwards that the others are poor runners and didn’t listen to his calls. He is named their player of the year by the ECB.
England fail to score in any of their games at Euro 2016. Roy Hodgson blames the lack of a winter break in the English season, coloured boots and his crap squad.
Anil Rashid bowls his first maiden in international cricket in his 395th over.
Lip stick is banned following the Kisses for Goals Scandal at Euro 2016.
July
Alison Mitchell elopes with Graeme Swann.
Following the popular with the players “chairs on the outfield” experiment the ICC agree to show only recorded cricket on the big screens thus eliminating the need for the drinks breaks. The players union is ecstatic and a spokesman says “At last our views have been taken into account”. A member of the Barmy Army says “This is better than the real thing”. It becomes apparent that in this new scenario the chairs are no longer needed….
Middlesex win all of their T20 matches when Brendon McCullum is playing and lose all those when he isn’t.
Jose Mourinho is still missing.
Tyson Fury is overheard whistling “Halfway to Paradise” in his corner.
In and About with the Professor
The Professor takes gift receiving seriously
So, what did you get for Christmas? Did Santa display his usual largess and give us all lots of things we didn’t want or need? This year, in among the usual scarves, jumpers and books, I was given a cricket mug.
A cricket mug? What is that? Well, it is a large receptacle (at least two tea cups worth) with decorations all round the outside depicting the “World of Cricket”, no less. There is a diagram of the field with all the fielding positions in (more or less) the right place, paintings of a batsman and a bowler, a list of the “Ways to be Out” and another on the “Types of International Cricket”. Splendid.
But there is more! Inside the cup there is a series of pictograms of the umpires’ signals. I ran my eye round it and can you imagine the horror when I saw that one of them was incorrect! I will spare the sensitivities of Googlies readers the details but, as the more intuitive will have guessed, it involved the leg bye. Consider my predicament. Surrounded by loving family members (well, family members at any rate), my sister-in-law searching for signs of appreciation of her long-searched-out gift and my apoplexy at having to confront this delinquency in china, this profanity in porcelain. I had already had a sip or two of a cheeky little Chablis but not nearly enough, I fear, to dull the pain.
What could I do? Well, instantly the correct course of action came to me…I needed to contact the Association of Cricket Statisticians. But it was Christmas Day, would anyone be there? Happily (and obligingly) they operate a “Hot-Line “ which is staffed (I think they would say “manned”) just for such eventualities. I called the number and a gentleman, who I took to be of mature years, answered the ‘phone. He listened to my sad tidings of no joy and then told me that my experience was in no ways unique. Increasing numbers of similar horrors on tea towels and board games turned up each year…thus the Hot-Line. Apparently the Association had appealed for funds to assist in stamping out this sort of thing and had, in addition, put in a Lottery bid…but no joy. In desperation the European Union had also been approached but unsuccessfully (what would a load of Johnny foreigners know about it anyway – the sooner we’re out of all that the better I say). He quizzed me about the provenance of the mug. Could I turn it upside down and identify the factory. I expected (naturally) to see the Royal Dalton or Spode imprimatur but my mug purported to have been made from “fine bone china” by a company called “Dunoon”. Who?...well quite. Somewhere in Scotland apparently. Moreover the design was by a Caroline Dadd. “Well that explains everything” said my interlocutor, “some doxy, some slip-of-a-girl, has been given the vital task of conveying cricket information to the general public, unaware of how upsetting errors might be to the mature reader and, worse still of the corrupting influence it might have on the minds of the young. Hemlock’s too good for her”.
His carefully thought out remedy was to suggest that I took the rest of the Chablis bottle into a quiet room and read through a few pages of the 2015 Wisden, avoiding (obviously) the 184 errors that the Association’s members had identified in that edition.
My next port of call was, of course, the Great Jack Morgan. He was, I judged, a little further down a bottle of something stronger than Chablis but he listened to by story attentively. He then asked me just one question. Did the mug have on it any details of the Middlesex Second XI match played in Gunnersbury Park on May 14th 1912? Well no, it didn’t. At that point I felt he rather lost interest and ended with a suggestion of what I might do with the mug which would have upset my sister-in-law and would have been anatomically impossible, even in these liberated days. I blame the drink.
So, finally, I did what all right-thinking Englishmen would do. I followed the example of the myriads of myopic, misogynistic, middle-class men and wrote a letter to the Daily Torygraph.
I enclose the draft since I feel certain that some Googlies readers will want to use it as a template for their own correspondence:
Sir,
Can I be the only one to have noticed the grievous error on the “Dunoon World of Cricket Mug” marketed this Christmas? The error in the depiction of the umpiring signals is yet another example of the degeneracy that is so rife in modern society. There has scarcely been an Englishman worthy of the name since Sir Winston died and now our national game is being traduced by a bunch of Scottish pot-throwers who probably think that cricket is governed by a set of “rules”.
I remain yours, etc.,
Disgusted of Harrogate
I have also, of course, written to the Company and will let you know of any reply ASAP. In the meantime, toodle pip and Happy New Year to all.
International Matters
The Great Jack Morgan hasn’t missed a ball
In the T20, England’s 154-8 was a lot better than it looked like being at 86-6 (Vince, Root and Woakes were all praised by VM) and now looks even better as Pakistan are 15-3 at the time of writing. Yes, but Shoaib Malik (75 off 54) turned this one into a tie so the super over came into play, which was not very super for Pak as they managed only 3 off Jordan's over (why Jordan, who had the worst figures of all the England bowlers?) and only one of those was off the bat, which pretty much won it for England, Eoin and Buttler managing 4 off 5 balls. So if we were able to forget about the Tests, it would have been a good tour for Eng.
The ICC Test Team of the Year is: A Cook (capt), D Warner, K Williamson, Younis Khan, S Smith, J Root, Sarfraz Ahmed (wk), C Broad, T Boult, Yasir Shah, J Hazlewood; 12th man: R Ashwin. There are no England representatives in the ODI TotY, but Rooty gets to be 12th man.
A couple of times I have read about what a wonderful player B Stokes is and there is another article in today's Indy by S Brenkley along the same lines, but his stats do not support this argument:
Batting av bowling av
Test 28.58 40.44
ODI 20.14 32.34
T20 18.5 48.33.
S Finn will play in the next T20 in Dubai in a bid to be fit for the England tour to SA, for which he was not selected. This looks a bit optimistic, but England are apparently taking this seriously and selector M Newell has joined the Lions squad and will report back on Finny's progress. Steve hopes to be fit for the 2nd Test in Cape Town on 2 Jan.
A thrilling day in Delhi, Rahane (100*) made his second century of the match and India declared on 267-5, setting South Africa 481 to win and they have set off at a terrific pace reaching 72-2 off 72 overs! I'd rather watch me bat! Their scoring rate did not improve on the last day and it was not even successful as they made 143 all out off 143.1 overs to lose by 337 runs, R Ashwin 5-61. Jadeja's figures were 46-33-26-2 and Yadav's 21-16-9-3.
In the first (unofficial) T20 between Pakistan A and England Lions, D Malan made 51 off 44, but 145-6 was not enough as Pakistan won in comfort by 7 wickets.
And as I write, England are on top in Dubai with D Malan doing even better this time with 80 off 56 as England made 164-5 and Pakistan A are struggling on 116-6. And England won comfortably with Pakistan out for 123 (J Overton 3-26).
England Lions lost the 3rd T20 with 2 balls left: England Lions 142-6 (L Dawson 45*, D Malan 35); Pakistan A 146-6 (S Finn 3-22).
England Lions squared the T20 series at 2-2 with a comfortable win: Pakistan A 116-9 (S Finn 1-30, D Malan 2-24); England Lions 119-5 (S Billings 61* off 48 balls).
Apparently, Trevor Bayliss has announced that J Bairstow is the no one keeper on the South Africa tour (just for Tests?). He deserves a chance so I am not complaining, but I am slightly surprised that the contest was not kept open longer because i) his keeping has never really impressed me; ii) although he was brilliant for Yorkshire with the bat last season, especially early on, he was rather disappointing for England; iii) many (though not the Prof) think that Buttler's keeping has improved considerably; and iv) he also seems to have returned to form with the bat, though only in one-dayers (so far). I admit that I am not really up to date on the quality of Jonny's keeping as whenever I see Yorks, Andy Hodd does the keeping, usually pretty well.
In Dubai, England Lions won the T20 series 3-2 by winning the super over after the scores finished level: Pakistan A 165-3 (D Malan 1-21); England Lions 165-4 (D Malan 81 off 55, S Billings 50 off 31). Super over: England Lions 12-0, Pakistan A 8-1, no details of the super over at present but DM was again praised in dispatches. S Finn was absent... on his way to SA?
England made a dire start in Durban losing wickets at 3, 12 and 49 but then Compo and LJT put on 125 before Jimmy fell for 70; D Steyn has 3-28 from 15 overs. England's batting should be strong in this one with Woakes at 9 and Broad at 10 and even Finny at 11 has shown improved batting form in the last year or so. Bad light has stopped play at 179-4.
It is another hopeless mismatch at the MCG with Oz declaring on 551-3 (S Smith 134*, A Voges 106*) and the WestIndies closed on 91-6: are these matches first class? Adam has now passed 1000 runs in Tests following his debut early this year.
This morning's G has a table of the year's leading wicket takers in Tests, mainly because C Broad is second on the list with 54. Others: top R Ashwin 62, 3rd J Hazlewood 51, 4th Yasir Shah 49, 5th= J Anderson and M Starc 46, 11th Moeen 33, 16th M Wood 25, 19th B Stokes 23. However, an alternative list of wickets per Test played would have Yasir top, Ashwin 2nd, Jadeja third, Anderson 7th= and Broady only 9th.
England continued the good work in Durban bowling South Africa out for 214, with Broad excelling with 15-6-25-4 and Moeen (4-69) and Finny (2-49) also doing well; D Elgar carried his bat for 118*. Cooky failed again, but Compo (49) and Root (60*) have put England 261 ahead on 172-3 and Steyn is off the field having a scan having bowled only 3.5 overs! This is too good to be true isn't it? M Selvey wrote "Finn was hitting the bat with the sort of heavy-ball jarring that loosens fillings".
Even quicker: New Zealand needed only 8.2 overs to get the 118 they needed to beat Sri Lanka by ten wickets: M Guptill 93* off 30 with nine fours and eight sixes!
England went on to 326 a/o (Root 73, LJT 42, Bairstow 79), but our "strong" tail was a bit disappointing: were they having a slog? D Piedt 5-153, S van Zyl 3-20. South Africa closed on 136-4 (Finn 3-27) so England are on course for the win, but it is not quite in the bag yet as ABdeV is still there on 37*. J Bairstow is getting plenty of praise for his 79 off 76 balls with 9 fours and 3 sixes, but is also getting slagged off for missing stumping ABdeV when he was miles out of his ground, apparently one of Moeen's offies turned quite sharply and Jonny just was not quite up to it. Eng have not recorded a Test stumping since M Prior managed one in Mumbai in 2012!
England need not have worried about missing ABdeV because Moeen had him lbw after three balls this morning. Only JP Duminy (26* in an hour and a half) resisted for long and soon England had won by a convincing 241. Finny 4-42 and Moeen 3-47 were the heroes and Jonny actually pulled off a stumping! Are South Africa the worst ever World no 1 Test team? But we should not gloat too much as there are three more Tests to come. Cape Town on Saturday is next. Keeper Quinton de Kock has been recalled to the squad... Surrey always bring in an extra keeper when they are in doubt about selection.
The Guardian has a table of the best strike rates of post war bowlers with fifty or more wickets and Finny is 6th on the list. Those above him are 1 S Bond, 2 D Steyn, 3 Waqar Younis, 4 F Tyson, 5 Shoaib Akhtar. The only other England bowler on the list is S Jones at no 11. No sign of Lillee, Thommo, Roberts, Holding, Garner, Croft or any of the top 11 wicket takers in Tests who are Murali, Warne, Kumble, McGrath, Walsh, Kapil Dev, Hadlee, Pollock, Wasim Akram, Harbhajan and Ambrose.
Big hitting Matters
There continues to be plenty of sixes in the Big Bash this year but the commentators now grade them according to their calculated individual distance. I won’t re-air my skepticism as to how the mechanics of this calculation work but the two longest hits are both by Dan Christian. First he had a hit recorded at 114 metres and then he cleared the stands at the Gabba with a blow recorded at 117 metres. The ball was never recovered. This is about the equivalent of a hit at Lord’s landing in Euston Station.
Dave Thomas
George sent me this
I managed to get a couple of tickets for the Everton vs. Leicester match which would seal Leicester’s top of the table slot for Christmas. I took grandson George who was introduced to a number of new phrases and sayings as Everton went down 3-2.
There was a very poignant moment before the match following a recent appeal.
Dave Thomas, totally blind, was led on to the field by his guide dog. He has Glaucoma, which was first diagnosed over fifteen years ago. Apparently at first this did not cause many problems and he was able to continue his job as a Physical Education teacher in West Sussex but in 2008 he was registered blind. Older Everton fans were talking about how much Bob Latchford owed to him for his speed and ability to cross the ball from almost anywhere with either foot.
For me it was the memory his part in QPR’s best ever team, in 1975/6: Parkes, Clement, McLintock, Webb, Gillard; Francis, Masson, Hollins; Bowles, Givens, Thomas. I don’t know how many QPR supporters were in the ground, but this one certainly had a lump in his throat. If any of readers fancy stumping up a little for his cause it can easily be found by googling 'Just Giving Dave Thomas’
Puckett Matters
Charlie Puckett sent me this
I noted with interest that the editor had no statistics to back up the frailty of the reverse sweep. I have one: it cost us the 1987 World Cup - and that shot played by the acknowledged master of it! It also nearly cost me my life and sanity. My father was busy demolishing the old garage which, we had only just found out, had been strengthened in WWII to protect the air-raid shelter hidden inside it by driving steel rods into the ground through the holes in the breeze blocks. Said gaps were then filled with concrete and the entire edifice remained securely in place until one Sunday in 1987.
I was being my usual useless self and irritating the old man royally by buggering off indoors every 5 minutes to watch as we strolled irresistibly to victory. When you-know-who played that lamentable shot I stormed out to the semi-ruined building, grabbed the 14lb sledge hammer and proceeded to smash the ancient ruins more efficiently than so-called IS could ever have dreamed of doing whilst my father leant against the fast-appearing fence laughing fit to burst! The following morning, when I tried to get out of bed, my back no longer belonged to me (although the frayed nerve ends did) and, when I attempted to drive the car (no power steering in Ford Escorts in those days), I could barely turn the wheel.
So **** the reverse sweep and all who play it!
South Hampstead Matters
Bob Peach kindly allowed me to reprint extracts from his Christmas letter
Our 140th year was mixed with disappointing adult cricketing performances alongside more positive developments to facilities, financial stability and a much improved management and colts performance. Early results for our three Middlesex County Cricket League teams were encouraging with the 1st XI looking promotion candidates, 2nd XI in the top half and the 3rd winning several games following last year’s promotion into Division 2. Sadly the First XI collapsed in the final third of the season, the Second XI lost a massive number of points for administrative reasons and were relegated to the Championship; and after a difficult though predicted year the 4th XI were also demoted from the first to the second division of the ’87 League.
Not all news was bad. We entered the Middlesex Development League (teams with seven players under 21 in coloured strips on Sundays) and turned out six age group colts league teams plus our first girls teams. Enjoyably, though with a serious aim, we had a net at the Queens Park Festival Day and raised £150 for charity from a bowling speed gun – as well as some possible new players. The overall coaching programme for both colts and seniors was reorganized and placed with London Cricket Coaching run by James Williams and under the direction of Simon Grabiner, who is colts manager and chair of an active and ambitious colts parents committee. It was probably no co-incidence that our playing performances declined with the recruitment of our highly able and respected coach, Keith Piper, by Leicestershire mid way through the season.
As part of our management reorganization Roy Reid as Facilities Manager and our long serving groundsman Devon Plummer produced high quality pitches and a much improved outfield. We have also converted the school nursery garden to artificial grass, carried out major drainage work for the pavilion, renewed the security lighting, and replaced the pavilion picket fencing . The addition of picnic tables and extensive flowers and hanging baskets have been much appreciated. Plans for next year include a new and higher protective fencing in Milverton Rd, a second artificial turf pitch, possibly new nets, and better outfield drainage (final decisions await the result of grant applications).
The extent of this work reflects the relatively satisfactory financial situation. This mainly stems from the regular income from the Nuffield Health and Leisure Centre and the Happy Hands Nursery, and most importantly from the generous legacy from Don Wallis of £90,000.
In Memoriam
I received a phone call from Clive Coleman before Christmas in which he conveyed the sad news that Mary Hancock had died. And then I was shocked to hear from Bob Peach that Carole Perham had also passed away. Both were long term members and servants at South Hampstead.
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 157
January 2016
Old Wanker’s Almanac
I hadn’t seen him for ages but Old Hairy Palms bent my ear again recently
January
In the January Transfer Window Aston Villa replace their entire staff
Sepp Blatter joins forces with Bernie Ecclestone and they buy up Manchester United from the Glazers. They claim that they want to clean up the Premier League but Blatter bungles his first transfer saying that he has always understood that the money comes to him.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink sports a huge smile and says that he loves being the Rangers manager.
Liverpool officially become the Liverpool Red Sox. Their owners say that it is to enable them to market their various franchises globally with a consistent brand image. Phil Thompson says he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about since they have always worn red sox anyway.
The West Indies select three schoolboys for their test series against Zimbabwe. The odd thing is not their age but the fact that they have not played cricket before.
Jose Mourinho disappears.
February
At the Annual Sports Dinner the Funniest Name award goes to QPR’s Toszer and the Worst Haircut in International Cricket goes to Imran Tahir.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink manages a smile and says that his first win as Rangers manager is just around the corner.
An arrest warrant is issued for Lord Coe for offences in connection with the awarding of IAAF contracts to Eugene, Oregon. Coe takes up residence with Julian Assange at the Ecuadorian Embassy to avoid extradition.
There are rumoured sightings of Jose Mourinho at a Port Vale reserve match.
The County Championship kicks off at Lord’s on February 18. Mick Hunt, the groundsman, says that you can only see the frost on the wicket because he is instructed to leave the grass so long.
Aston Villa are relegated with three months of the season to go.
March
Unbelievably England call up Jade Dernbach for the World T20.
Brendan McCullum becomes the first batsman to score a double century in a T20 match. He is dismissed in the thirteenth over.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink looks crestfallen as the Rangers slip into the relegation zone.
Tyson Fury invites Alison Mitchell to become his Personal Manager. He explains that she may not know much about boxing but has great knockers.
At the T20 World Cup action replays are banned following the Kisses for Sixes Scandal.
Moeen Ali is called for throwing.
April
KP signs a short term contract with Devon to play in the Minor Counties Championship. He says that if he performs well he expects to be back in the England side.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink grimaces as the Rangers drop into the relegation zone.
Still no sign of Jose Mourinho
Jeremy Corbyn is arrested.
May
Mark Wood is left out of the first test against Sri Lanka in case he gets injured during it.
The ICC eventually bow to the inevitable and allow chairs to be placed around the edge of the square to make the drinks intervals more comfortable for the players.
Alison Mitchell is appointed manager of the West Indies Cricket Team. The West Indies Board accepts that it may seem an odd appointment.
The delight in the Premiership that trips to the North East to play at Newcastle and Sunderland will no longer be necessary are tempered by Middlesborough’s promotion.
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink looks relieved as he is “let go”.
June
Mohammed Hafeez runs out all Pakistan batsmen in an extraordinary innings. He explains afterwards that the others are poor runners and didn’t listen to his calls. He is named their player of the year by the ECB.
England fail to score in any of their games at Euro 2016. Roy Hodgson blames the lack of a winter break in the English season, coloured boots and his crap squad.
Anil Rashid bowls his first maiden in international cricket in his 395th over.
Lip stick is banned following the Kisses for Goals Scandal at Euro 2016.
July
Alison Mitchell elopes with Graeme Swann.
Following the popular with the players “chairs on the outfield” experiment the ICC agree to show only recorded cricket on the big screens thus eliminating the need for the drinks breaks. The players union is ecstatic and a spokesman says “At last our views have been taken into account”. A member of the Barmy Army says “This is better than the real thing”. It becomes apparent that in this new scenario the chairs are no longer needed….
Middlesex win all of their T20 matches when Brendon McCullum is playing and lose all those when he isn’t.
Jose Mourinho is still missing.
Tyson Fury is overheard whistling “Halfway to Paradise” in his corner.
In and About with the Professor
The Professor takes gift receiving seriously
So, what did you get for Christmas? Did Santa display his usual largess and give us all lots of things we didn’t want or need? This year, in among the usual scarves, jumpers and books, I was given a cricket mug.
A cricket mug? What is that? Well, it is a large receptacle (at least two tea cups worth) with decorations all round the outside depicting the “World of Cricket”, no less. There is a diagram of the field with all the fielding positions in (more or less) the right place, paintings of a batsman and a bowler, a list of the “Ways to be Out” and another on the “Types of International Cricket”. Splendid.
But there is more! Inside the cup there is a series of pictograms of the umpires’ signals. I ran my eye round it and can you imagine the horror when I saw that one of them was incorrect! I will spare the sensitivities of Googlies readers the details but, as the more intuitive will have guessed, it involved the leg bye. Consider my predicament. Surrounded by loving family members (well, family members at any rate), my sister-in-law searching for signs of appreciation of her long-searched-out gift and my apoplexy at having to confront this delinquency in china, this profanity in porcelain. I had already had a sip or two of a cheeky little Chablis but not nearly enough, I fear, to dull the pain.
What could I do? Well, instantly the correct course of action came to me…I needed to contact the Association of Cricket Statisticians. But it was Christmas Day, would anyone be there? Happily (and obligingly) they operate a “Hot-Line “ which is staffed (I think they would say “manned”) just for such eventualities. I called the number and a gentleman, who I took to be of mature years, answered the ‘phone. He listened to my sad tidings of no joy and then told me that my experience was in no ways unique. Increasing numbers of similar horrors on tea towels and board games turned up each year…thus the Hot-Line. Apparently the Association had appealed for funds to assist in stamping out this sort of thing and had, in addition, put in a Lottery bid…but no joy. In desperation the European Union had also been approached but unsuccessfully (what would a load of Johnny foreigners know about it anyway – the sooner we’re out of all that the better I say). He quizzed me about the provenance of the mug. Could I turn it upside down and identify the factory. I expected (naturally) to see the Royal Dalton or Spode imprimatur but my mug purported to have been made from “fine bone china” by a company called “Dunoon”. Who?...well quite. Somewhere in Scotland apparently. Moreover the design was by a Caroline Dadd. “Well that explains everything” said my interlocutor, “some doxy, some slip-of-a-girl, has been given the vital task of conveying cricket information to the general public, unaware of how upsetting errors might be to the mature reader and, worse still of the corrupting influence it might have on the minds of the young. Hemlock’s too good for her”.
His carefully thought out remedy was to suggest that I took the rest of the Chablis bottle into a quiet room and read through a few pages of the 2015 Wisden, avoiding (obviously) the 184 errors that the Association’s members had identified in that edition.
My next port of call was, of course, the Great Jack Morgan. He was, I judged, a little further down a bottle of something stronger than Chablis but he listened to by story attentively. He then asked me just one question. Did the mug have on it any details of the Middlesex Second XI match played in Gunnersbury Park on May 14th 1912? Well no, it didn’t. At that point I felt he rather lost interest and ended with a suggestion of what I might do with the mug which would have upset my sister-in-law and would have been anatomically impossible, even in these liberated days. I blame the drink.
So, finally, I did what all right-thinking Englishmen would do. I followed the example of the myriads of myopic, misogynistic, middle-class men and wrote a letter to the Daily Torygraph.
I enclose the draft since I feel certain that some Googlies readers will want to use it as a template for their own correspondence:
Sir,
Can I be the only one to have noticed the grievous error on the “Dunoon World of Cricket Mug” marketed this Christmas? The error in the depiction of the umpiring signals is yet another example of the degeneracy that is so rife in modern society. There has scarcely been an Englishman worthy of the name since Sir Winston died and now our national game is being traduced by a bunch of Scottish pot-throwers who probably think that cricket is governed by a set of “rules”.
I remain yours, etc.,
Disgusted of Harrogate
I have also, of course, written to the Company and will let you know of any reply ASAP. In the meantime, toodle pip and Happy New Year to all.
International Matters
The Great Jack Morgan hasn’t missed a ball
In the T20, England’s 154-8 was a lot better than it looked like being at 86-6 (Vince, Root and Woakes were all praised by VM) and now looks even better as Pakistan are 15-3 at the time of writing. Yes, but Shoaib Malik (75 off 54) turned this one into a tie so the super over came into play, which was not very super for Pak as they managed only 3 off Jordan's over (why Jordan, who had the worst figures of all the England bowlers?) and only one of those was off the bat, which pretty much won it for England, Eoin and Buttler managing 4 off 5 balls. So if we were able to forget about the Tests, it would have been a good tour for Eng.
The ICC Test Team of the Year is: A Cook (capt), D Warner, K Williamson, Younis Khan, S Smith, J Root, Sarfraz Ahmed (wk), C Broad, T Boult, Yasir Shah, J Hazlewood; 12th man: R Ashwin. There are no England representatives in the ODI TotY, but Rooty gets to be 12th man.
A couple of times I have read about what a wonderful player B Stokes is and there is another article in today's Indy by S Brenkley along the same lines, but his stats do not support this argument:
Batting av bowling av
Test 28.58 40.44
ODI 20.14 32.34
T20 18.5 48.33.
S Finn will play in the next T20 in Dubai in a bid to be fit for the England tour to SA, for which he was not selected. This looks a bit optimistic, but England are apparently taking this seriously and selector M Newell has joined the Lions squad and will report back on Finny's progress. Steve hopes to be fit for the 2nd Test in Cape Town on 2 Jan.
A thrilling day in Delhi, Rahane (100*) made his second century of the match and India declared on 267-5, setting South Africa 481 to win and they have set off at a terrific pace reaching 72-2 off 72 overs! I'd rather watch me bat! Their scoring rate did not improve on the last day and it was not even successful as they made 143 all out off 143.1 overs to lose by 337 runs, R Ashwin 5-61. Jadeja's figures were 46-33-26-2 and Yadav's 21-16-9-3.
In the first (unofficial) T20 between Pakistan A and England Lions, D Malan made 51 off 44, but 145-6 was not enough as Pakistan won in comfort by 7 wickets.
And as I write, England are on top in Dubai with D Malan doing even better this time with 80 off 56 as England made 164-5 and Pakistan A are struggling on 116-6. And England won comfortably with Pakistan out for 123 (J Overton 3-26).
England Lions lost the 3rd T20 with 2 balls left: England Lions 142-6 (L Dawson 45*, D Malan 35); Pakistan A 146-6 (S Finn 3-22).
England Lions squared the T20 series at 2-2 with a comfortable win: Pakistan A 116-9 (S Finn 1-30, D Malan 2-24); England Lions 119-5 (S Billings 61* off 48 balls).
Apparently, Trevor Bayliss has announced that J Bairstow is the no one keeper on the South Africa tour (just for Tests?). He deserves a chance so I am not complaining, but I am slightly surprised that the contest was not kept open longer because i) his keeping has never really impressed me; ii) although he was brilliant for Yorkshire with the bat last season, especially early on, he was rather disappointing for England; iii) many (though not the Prof) think that Buttler's keeping has improved considerably; and iv) he also seems to have returned to form with the bat, though only in one-dayers (so far). I admit that I am not really up to date on the quality of Jonny's keeping as whenever I see Yorks, Andy Hodd does the keeping, usually pretty well.
In Dubai, England Lions won the T20 series 3-2 by winning the super over after the scores finished level: Pakistan A 165-3 (D Malan 1-21); England Lions 165-4 (D Malan 81 off 55, S Billings 50 off 31). Super over: England Lions 12-0, Pakistan A 8-1, no details of the super over at present but DM was again praised in dispatches. S Finn was absent... on his way to SA?
England made a dire start in Durban losing wickets at 3, 12 and 49 but then Compo and LJT put on 125 before Jimmy fell for 70; D Steyn has 3-28 from 15 overs. England's batting should be strong in this one with Woakes at 9 and Broad at 10 and even Finny at 11 has shown improved batting form in the last year or so. Bad light has stopped play at 179-4.
It is another hopeless mismatch at the MCG with Oz declaring on 551-3 (S Smith 134*, A Voges 106*) and the WestIndies closed on 91-6: are these matches first class? Adam has now passed 1000 runs in Tests following his debut early this year.
This morning's G has a table of the year's leading wicket takers in Tests, mainly because C Broad is second on the list with 54. Others: top R Ashwin 62, 3rd J Hazlewood 51, 4th Yasir Shah 49, 5th= J Anderson and M Starc 46, 11th Moeen 33, 16th M Wood 25, 19th B Stokes 23. However, an alternative list of wickets per Test played would have Yasir top, Ashwin 2nd, Jadeja third, Anderson 7th= and Broady only 9th.
England continued the good work in Durban bowling South Africa out for 214, with Broad excelling with 15-6-25-4 and Moeen (4-69) and Finny (2-49) also doing well; D Elgar carried his bat for 118*. Cooky failed again, but Compo (49) and Root (60*) have put England 261 ahead on 172-3 and Steyn is off the field having a scan having bowled only 3.5 overs! This is too good to be true isn't it? M Selvey wrote "Finn was hitting the bat with the sort of heavy-ball jarring that loosens fillings".
Even quicker: New Zealand needed only 8.2 overs to get the 118 they needed to beat Sri Lanka by ten wickets: M Guptill 93* off 30 with nine fours and eight sixes!
England went on to 326 a/o (Root 73, LJT 42, Bairstow 79), but our "strong" tail was a bit disappointing: were they having a slog? D Piedt 5-153, S van Zyl 3-20. South Africa closed on 136-4 (Finn 3-27) so England are on course for the win, but it is not quite in the bag yet as ABdeV is still there on 37*. J Bairstow is getting plenty of praise for his 79 off 76 balls with 9 fours and 3 sixes, but is also getting slagged off for missing stumping ABdeV when he was miles out of his ground, apparently one of Moeen's offies turned quite sharply and Jonny just was not quite up to it. Eng have not recorded a Test stumping since M Prior managed one in Mumbai in 2012!
England need not have worried about missing ABdeV because Moeen had him lbw after three balls this morning. Only JP Duminy (26* in an hour and a half) resisted for long and soon England had won by a convincing 241. Finny 4-42 and Moeen 3-47 were the heroes and Jonny actually pulled off a stumping! Are South Africa the worst ever World no 1 Test team? But we should not gloat too much as there are three more Tests to come. Cape Town on Saturday is next. Keeper Quinton de Kock has been recalled to the squad... Surrey always bring in an extra keeper when they are in doubt about selection.
The Guardian has a table of the best strike rates of post war bowlers with fifty or more wickets and Finny is 6th on the list. Those above him are 1 S Bond, 2 D Steyn, 3 Waqar Younis, 4 F Tyson, 5 Shoaib Akhtar. The only other England bowler on the list is S Jones at no 11. No sign of Lillee, Thommo, Roberts, Holding, Garner, Croft or any of the top 11 wicket takers in Tests who are Murali, Warne, Kumble, McGrath, Walsh, Kapil Dev, Hadlee, Pollock, Wasim Akram, Harbhajan and Ambrose.
Big hitting Matters
There continues to be plenty of sixes in the Big Bash this year but the commentators now grade them according to their calculated individual distance. I won’t re-air my skepticism as to how the mechanics of this calculation work but the two longest hits are both by Dan Christian. First he had a hit recorded at 114 metres and then he cleared the stands at the Gabba with a blow recorded at 117 metres. The ball was never recovered. This is about the equivalent of a hit at Lord’s landing in Euston Station.
Dave Thomas
George sent me this
I managed to get a couple of tickets for the Everton vs. Leicester match which would seal Leicester’s top of the table slot for Christmas. I took grandson George who was introduced to a number of new phrases and sayings as Everton went down 3-2.
There was a very poignant moment before the match following a recent appeal.
Dave Thomas, totally blind, was led on to the field by his guide dog. He has Glaucoma, which was first diagnosed over fifteen years ago. Apparently at first this did not cause many problems and he was able to continue his job as a Physical Education teacher in West Sussex but in 2008 he was registered blind. Older Everton fans were talking about how much Bob Latchford owed to him for his speed and ability to cross the ball from almost anywhere with either foot.
For me it was the memory his part in QPR’s best ever team, in 1975/6: Parkes, Clement, McLintock, Webb, Gillard; Francis, Masson, Hollins; Bowles, Givens, Thomas. I don’t know how many QPR supporters were in the ground, but this one certainly had a lump in his throat. If any of readers fancy stumping up a little for his cause it can easily be found by googling 'Just Giving Dave Thomas’
Puckett Matters
Charlie Puckett sent me this
I noted with interest that the editor had no statistics to back up the frailty of the reverse sweep. I have one: it cost us the 1987 World Cup - and that shot played by the acknowledged master of it! It also nearly cost me my life and sanity. My father was busy demolishing the old garage which, we had only just found out, had been strengthened in WWII to protect the air-raid shelter hidden inside it by driving steel rods into the ground through the holes in the breeze blocks. Said gaps were then filled with concrete and the entire edifice remained securely in place until one Sunday in 1987.
I was being my usual useless self and irritating the old man royally by buggering off indoors every 5 minutes to watch as we strolled irresistibly to victory. When you-know-who played that lamentable shot I stormed out to the semi-ruined building, grabbed the 14lb sledge hammer and proceeded to smash the ancient ruins more efficiently than so-called IS could ever have dreamed of doing whilst my father leant against the fast-appearing fence laughing fit to burst! The following morning, when I tried to get out of bed, my back no longer belonged to me (although the frayed nerve ends did) and, when I attempted to drive the car (no power steering in Ford Escorts in those days), I could barely turn the wheel.
So **** the reverse sweep and all who play it!
South Hampstead Matters
Bob Peach kindly allowed me to reprint extracts from his Christmas letter
Our 140th year was mixed with disappointing adult cricketing performances alongside more positive developments to facilities, financial stability and a much improved management and colts performance. Early results for our three Middlesex County Cricket League teams were encouraging with the 1st XI looking promotion candidates, 2nd XI in the top half and the 3rd winning several games following last year’s promotion into Division 2. Sadly the First XI collapsed in the final third of the season, the Second XI lost a massive number of points for administrative reasons and were relegated to the Championship; and after a difficult though predicted year the 4th XI were also demoted from the first to the second division of the ’87 League.
Not all news was bad. We entered the Middlesex Development League (teams with seven players under 21 in coloured strips on Sundays) and turned out six age group colts league teams plus our first girls teams. Enjoyably, though with a serious aim, we had a net at the Queens Park Festival Day and raised £150 for charity from a bowling speed gun – as well as some possible new players. The overall coaching programme for both colts and seniors was reorganized and placed with London Cricket Coaching run by James Williams and under the direction of Simon Grabiner, who is colts manager and chair of an active and ambitious colts parents committee. It was probably no co-incidence that our playing performances declined with the recruitment of our highly able and respected coach, Keith Piper, by Leicestershire mid way through the season.
As part of our management reorganization Roy Reid as Facilities Manager and our long serving groundsman Devon Plummer produced high quality pitches and a much improved outfield. We have also converted the school nursery garden to artificial grass, carried out major drainage work for the pavilion, renewed the security lighting, and replaced the pavilion picket fencing . The addition of picnic tables and extensive flowers and hanging baskets have been much appreciated. Plans for next year include a new and higher protective fencing in Milverton Rd, a second artificial turf pitch, possibly new nets, and better outfield drainage (final decisions await the result of grant applications).
The extent of this work reflects the relatively satisfactory financial situation. This mainly stems from the regular income from the Nuffield Health and Leisure Centre and the Happy Hands Nursery, and most importantly from the generous legacy from Don Wallis of £90,000.
In Memoriam
I received a phone call from Clive Coleman before Christmas in which he conveyed the sad news that Mary Hancock had died. And then I was shocked to hear from Bob Peach that Carole Perham had also passed away. Both were long term members and servants at South Hampstead.
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