GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 69
September 2008
1. Andrew Strauss: Who are you going to model yourself on Kev? I tried to captain like Mike Brearley.
KP: Mike Brearley? Never heard of him.
2. KP: Now I’m captain I should be able to get a decent bowl.
3. KP: Here’s the game plan. I will score a hundred and make the opposition bowlers look foolish. Can I count on you guys for 20 each?
4. Geoff Miller: Are there any players you think we should consider for the side Kevin?
KP: There are a few guys who might feel at home playing along side me: Martin van Jaarsveld, Francois Du Plessis, Ryan McClaren, Nic Pothas, Hylton Ackerman, Tyron Henderson, Johannes Van Der Wath, Charl Willoughby, Craig Kieswetter and Deon Kruis.
5. Alistair Cook: Look at the tits on that bird over there.
Andrew Strauss: Careful Alistair, that’s the skip’s wife.
6. Christopher Martin Jenkins: What do you have to do to play for England?
KP: Four years qualification.
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor had to leave the Old Danes Gathering early but, as he explains, he had good reason
You will be pleased to know that the Owais Shah Benefit match went off very well. A cloudburst prevented play starting on time so we had a 15/15 game but that worked out well. I was pleased that Middlesex came with such a strong side - often these benefit matches are heavily advertised and then only a couple of first-teamers turn up - but Middlesex were represented by: Shah, Scott, Malan, Compton, Godleman, Finn, London, Housego, Evans, and Murtagh...not a bad side. Middlesex batted first and generally strummed the ball around. I was particularly taken with Housego who I don't think I have seen bat before. He looks about 12 years old but played a delightful array of shorts to all parts of the ground. Apparently there was much talk in the dressing room of new contracts - who/what/when to sign, etc. I should have thought that Middlesex would be particularly keen to get young Housego on the books for another season. Hertfordshire fielded a largely Welwyn Garden City team and so the result was particularly pleasing - Middlesex got 162 from their 15 overs and we knocked them off in the last over for a memorable win. I'm told we now play Rajasthan Royals in the next round.
Lunch in Wales
On Thursday I dropped Rosemary off at Manchester Airport around 9am and then drove west along the M56 towards my office in Ellesmere Port. The weather was glorious and just got better as I progressed. I decided to give Colwyn Bay a chance but things started to go wrong as soon as I crossed into Wales. The blue skies disappeared and the skies became overcast.
My Middlesex membership card cut no ice with the local Celts. I parked on the grass next to Colwyn Bay CC for £4 and paid £8 to enter the ground. There is an embankment on the south side of the ground which gives a reasonable view of the playing area although the sight screen obscures part of the outfield. Dalrymple and Shantry who had added 30 odd for the last wicket already on Wednesday resumed and proceeded like openers expecting to still be there at lunchtime, regardless of the rate of run scoring. In the event Richo hit Dalrymple above the knee playing forward and Martin Bodenham obliged by giving him out. Dalrymple couldn’t believe it and dragged himself from the crease.
Gunner, the other umpire, was obviously distressed not to be the centre of attraction and soon started to exercise his authority as senior umpire and incur the wrath of the modest crowd. First he took the players off for rain as soon as the Middlesex innings started at 11.30 but it stopped before they reached the pavilion and so he reluctantly led them back out five minutes later. Joyce holed out to cover driving without getting to the pitch of the ball. Owais came in and went through his various stretching exercises and as usual behaved as if it was rather below him to be playing at this level.
The Welsh Wizard was fielding at mid on and he kept up a non stop commentary on the play which was clearly audible all round the ground. Godleman three times stopped Adam Shantry on his approach to the wicket in an attempt to deliver the first ball of an over as some twat first sat in front of the sightscreen and then kept moving his chair. As he came in for the fourth time the WW spouts “Come on lads you never know when he is going to pop his head up again”. By now lunch was looming and Hemp brought the Welsh Wizard on for the penultimate over. The ground is a bit small by first class standards and even with the wicket in the middle of the square the boundaries are probably no more than sixty five yards. The WW’s first ball was on a length outside the off stump and Owais clubbed it high over the pavilion beyond the outbuildings and half way across the members’ car park. It must have been the best part of a hundred yards. However in the next over Richard Grant, an occasional innocuous seamer, trundled in and Owais played all round a straight half volley. It was raining again as Morgan trudged out for the last couple of balls and Gunner generously allowed them to stay out there to finish the over.
I ate my sandwiches under my umbrella (sounds like Rihanna) but by 1.30 p.m. the rain had stopped. However, inexplicably, the square remained covered. Gunner strolled out at 1.35pm and just stood around. The outfield was not saturated and the wicket was still covered. The extraordinary announcement was then made that “play would begin at 1.55pm, if there was no further rain”. There was much dark cloud around and so I decided, in a fit of pique, to give up and go into my office. In the event it proved to be the right decision as there were only a couple of overs bowled during the rest of the day.
I was later to find out that John Williams had also been there when he sent me this
I was at Brentham yesterday for one of their centenary matches - v. CCC. We managed to get in a full day's play in spite of cold, cloudy very blustery day. It was a proper game of cricket - CCC 216 for 7 dec. Brentham 179 all out off the last ball of the 20th over - but time would have allowed another over. Twenty one overs in an hour! The President of CCC, Robin Syrett, was present as was the Chairman Welch. Poorey was there - he confirmed that he was not on CCC tour to Oz. MCL President Pauncey was also present, up from a very wet West Country, primarily for the CCC league final between MCL and Surrey at Wimbledon tomorrow.
I have been doing a bit of watching recently: Middlesex v. Worcestershire – all three days. I was not going to go on the third day as I didn't fancy watching Middlesex bat all day but when I saw the lunchtime score - 28 for 4 – I jumped on the rattler immediately to witness ten wicket thrashing of the home team. At tea, with my Middlesex hat on, I would have opened with Kartik & Murtagh, but with my Worcestershire hat on with Finn & Evans. Of course with the latter pair opening it enabled Middlesex to have Friday off and to prepare, successfully, for the 20/20 day. I then went to Cheltenham for Gloucestershire v. Worcestershire. Another thrashing for the home side. Vikram's 270 was fantastic to watch. Cheltenham is the oldest Festival in the country and was very well attended. There were about sixteen hospitality marquees - some very large. It puts Uxbridge to shame. It was then on to Colwyn Bay where JD batted superbly on the first day. The weather rather spoilt the game - but it was still great fun. I was not going to the last day anyway - no play at all - as I had decided to visit the New Meadow to see Shrewsbury Town thrash Macclesfield Town 4-0. On my way home on I Sunday popped into Stratford and met up with the Hardie brothers - did you know that there are three of them?
Second Eleven Matters
The Great Jack Morgan has managed to find some cricket between the showers
I went to Beckenham for the first day of the Second XI Championship match between Kent and Sussex. It was a remarkable day and was totally dominated by Kent’s eighteen year old batting prodigy Sam Northeast. He came to the wicket after the early loss of Chambers and immediately looked in control, even though his colleagues were all having trouble with the lively Sussex pace attack. Good players such as Alex Blake, Matt Walker and Charlie Hemphrey, who had all impressed in the match against Middlesex at Richmond in June, came and went, but nothing disturbed Northeast as he marched towards his century, which he achieved in the 40th over, having scored, at that time, 72.3% of the total. He wasn’t satisfied, however, and continued to play some fine shots, but he tired towards the end of his innings and was eventually ninth out for 177 when the score was 267 and his proportion of the total runs scored had slumped to a feeble 66.3%. It was not a chanceless knock, but it was one of the most impressive innings I have ever seen from an 18 year old and beat his 150 against Middlesex at Radlett last year. Martin Saggers hung around to add 40 for the eighth wicket with young Sam, but the second highest score was the 37* achieved by no 10 Amjad Khan, who shared a stand of 51 with Northeast for the ninth wicket and then added another 41* with last man Phil Edwards (24*) before Walker declared at 308 for 9 (not bad after being 176 for 7) in order to have five overs at the Sussex batsmen before the close. The four Sussex pacemen “Mozza” Morris (3 wickets), James Kirtley (2), Chris Liddle (1) and Will Adkin (1) had all caused problems, but I must also mention skipper and slow left armer Tom Smith (that is TMJ not TCP of Lancs and Leics) who bowled a long and accurate spell uphill and into the wind from before lunch until after tea: he picked up two wickets, but could easily have had more.
Middlesex won the toss and batted first in the Second XI Championship match against Lancashire at St Paul’s School, Barnes, but struggled badly and reached lunch on 80 for 5 off 41 overs. Shaun Levy made 35 and Sam Robson 30, but it was Adam London, batting at 7, who led the revival with support from keeper John Simpson (54) in a stand of 119 for the seventh wicket. The scoring rate remained unexciting however, but this could not be blamed on London, who reached a thoroughly deserved century shortly before the close with Middlesex on 267 for 7 off 110 overs. The weather was less kind on days 2 and 3 as 43 overs were lost in all and the fact that we were able to enjoy an interesting third day was mainly down to Lancashire. Middlesex declared on 279 for 9 (London 104) early on day 2 and Lancs batted enterprisingly to declare on 200 for 1, with Karl Brown hitting 41, Mark Chilton 69* and Mal Loye an entertaining 70*. Middlesex reached the close on 34 for 0 and next day, Shaun Levy (38) and Nick Compton (29) took their stand to 60 and those runs were made off the front line bowlers, but Lancs were determined to get a result from the match and Dan Housego (60*) and Sam Robson (81*) made hay against the rarely seen off-spin of skipper Chilton and England ODI man Loye and non-existent fielding. This is always an unedifying sight, but it did allow Middlesex to declare at lunch on 211-2, setting Lancs a target of 291 in 60 overs.
The visitors never looked like achieving this, however, as they found a lively Steve Finn much more difficult to handle in the gloom and drizzle than Middlesex had found dealing with the wiles of Chilton and Loye and Steve had the top four back in the hutch with only 15 on the board. Keeper Gareth Cross (45) led a partial recovery as the weather brightened and he received some support from newcomer Jordan Clark and all-rounder Simon Marshall. Then impressive new pace bowler Richie Banham (who had taken the only wicket to fall in the first innings) took three quick wickets, Dave Burton chipped in with two more and Finny wrapped it up with his fifth wicket as Lancs fell to 148 all out. The Lancs attack was without several stalwarts such as Tom Smith, Ollie Newby (both out on loan) and Kyle Hogg, but 20 year old paceman Steve Cheetham deserved his three first innings wickets while the other eight Middlesex wickets to fall were spread among their three good young spinners Marshall (who is being released, I gather) with 2, Steve Parry (3) and Simon Kerrigan (3). This was in complete contrast to the Middlesex spin trio of Kabir Toor, Luke Ryan and Sam Robson, who did not take a wicket between them in the match. Credit for the interesting and surprising conclusion to the match must go to Lancs and skipper Chilton, but also to Middlesex’s stand-in captain Nick Compton, who seemed to have a flair for the job, to the Middlesex close fielders who hung on to everything and, of course, to the three Middlesex pace bowlers.
Old Trafford Matters
I met up with the Professor at Old Trafford for the second day of the Lancashire v Yorkshire match which actually was the first since the ground was unfit on the first day. In fact we arrived in the car park at the same time. Interestingly it takes him almost the same time to get there from Harrogate as it does me from home in the Peak District. The gatemen tried to stop the Prof from entering the ground as they didn’t want him to pay and not see any cricket. The tannoy had just announced that there would be an inspection by Messrs Jones and Burgess at 12.50. How do they determine these odd times? We strolled round to the pavilion and had breakfast followed by lunch in glorious sunshine watching the Squeegee machine do laps and the forking machine perforate the surface.
When the umpires duly appeared they went and examined the wicket and immediate square. This was odd as it had, presumably, been fully covered during Tuesday’s cloudburst. But then this is OT we are talking about and who knows? Anyway they deliberated further and they were joined by the two captains, Gough and Law, who are nearly as old as they are. They only made the most perfunctory of inspections of the outfield and reached their conclusion that play would commence at 2.10pm. How did they know what the state of the ground would be in 75 minutes time? If it was OK at 12.55 why would it need this time to elapse before play would begin? If it had been a one day match there would almost certainly have been no delay. What are the rules/laws regarding these matters? Is it just up to the whims of the particular umpires on the day?
Lancashire won the toss and elected to bat. But such good fortune is a sort of poisoned chalice for the home team whose top order batting is as crap as Middlesex’s this season. Hoggard looked very slim, shorn of his locks and bowled pretty quickly. He bowled Sutcliffe on the block and conceded very few runs even though he had no third man. Sutcliffe is English but felt so out of place in the Lancashire line up that he retired during the course of the match. I assumed that the ball wasn’t swinging whilst the Prof opined that swing bowlers should always swing the ball regardless of conditions and whether they were operating with a Duke, Reader or Kookaburra ball. During this session the ball went out of shape and a box of alternatives was produced. Half the Yorkshire side joined the umpires in trying to find a suitable alternative. It started to look as if the match would have to be abandoned as none of them seemed to fit the bill. The Lancashire batsmen took no interest in this protracted procedure.
After only twelve overs Gough brought on Rashid from the Brian Statham end. He bowled unchanged for twenty six overs until the close. Paul Horton, who is becoming more English with every passing month, impressed us earlier in the season but struggled for sixteen overs in making 16 and was out LBW to Rashid. This brought Du Plessis to the crease. He hasn’t started to become English yet, but easily looked the best batsman on display during the day. Law, who has already become English, had played some crisp shots but when Bresnan replaced Gough he guided the ball to second slip where Anthony McGrath, who is probably seventeen stone, took a surprisingly good catch. Lou Vincent who had been dropped down the order, as opposed to Mal Loye who had been just dropped, played a terrible shot and suddenly Lancashire were in a Middlesex like 87 for 4.
At tea we wandered down to the second hand bookshop where a middle class lady acts as proprietor raising money for the youth academy. The Professor and I collected together a pile of Playfair back editions which substantially filled my black hole from 1981 to 2000. The Professor got into conversation with the proprietor who called him pedantic. He was taken aback by this unexpected affront and corrected her saying that his use of English had just been correct. This banter went on for the rest of the interval with much agreement and mutual bigotries being aired around personal pronouns, split infinitives etc.
After tea Rashid bowled to a slip, short third man, two very short extra covers, mid off and a two thirds of the way to the boundary sweeper. We were in the process of ridiculing this ludicrous field setting when Du Plessis obligingly drove straight into the hands of McGrath who was one of the short extra covers. Could Croft and the tail rally the side to at least one batting point? Naved, who had gone wicketless and must have wished he was bowling against Middlesex, had started after tea and gave way to Hoggard who looked quite quick. He soon had Sutton caught down the leg side and then castled Chapple who had hit a straight six off of Rashid with a flick of the back foot.
The recently sacked Cork was greeted by the faithful with the biggest cheer of the day but he holed out for no good reason other than pique against Rashid. Surprisingly Keedy and Croft then played out the final twelve overs without being troubled and added an unlikely 39 runs.
Carrom Matters
Some readers are, no doubt, still a little confused as to what constitutes a Chinaman, as in Johnny Wardle, not Ho Chi Minh. They will have been further baffled by talk of the Doozra whereby an off spinner bowls a leg break without noticeably changing his action. Murali is the arch exponent of this and the laws of the game were altered in one dash of the pen to make legal the throws he exercised to deliver both. The only Englishman to get his wrist round this is Alex Loudon who promptly moved to Warwickshire from Kent and then retired from the game.
Sri Lanka have just comfortably beaten India in a test series. Yes, Murali featured strongly, as would be expected. But bowling at the other end was a test debutant, Ajantha Mendis. This spin bowler defies all previous designations. He bowls off spin, leg spin, googlies and doozras. And if this is not enough he also has introduced to test cricket a new delivery, the carrom ball. In this delivery he holds the ball along the seam between forefinger and thumb, with the seam pointed in the direction of gully, Mendis propels the ball with the knuckle and nail of his middle finger. He manages to land it perfectly time after time, and after pitching, it zips away from the batsman like a leg-cutter in a rush. The name derives from the Indian table-top game, Carrom, where a similar flicking technique is employed.
Dileep Premachandran reports:
“His variations were far too much for both Pakistan and India at the Asia Cup in June-July, with the Indian humiliation in the final especially acute. The cream of a young batting line-up that had beaten Australia earlier in the year was rendered clueless, and commentators back in India were left to console themselves with the thought that the middle-order legends would all be back for the Test series in Sri Lanka. That it would be a dream debut was seldom in doubt once Sri Lanka’s batsmen had piled up 600 against a listless Indian attack. Mendis planted seeds of doubt in his first four overs, and then reaped the reward with the first delivery of his fifth. The carrom ball on middle stump forced Dravid back in his crease, but by the time the bat arced down, the ball had crashed into the top of off stump. Anil Kumble and Zaheer Khan were then bamboozled by his variations before a magnificent over fetched him the prize wicket. At his best, VVS Laxman is a master against the turning ball, the man who demoralised Shane Warne by flicking against the spin through midwicket, and driving inside out through extra-cover. Mendis set him up with two carrom balls that barely missed the edge before a superb googly sneaked through bat and pad. In the second innings, he took out Laxman and Dravid again to finish with match figures of 8 for 132 as Sri Lanka romped home by an innings and 238 runs.”
In the second and deciding test Mendis was more expensive. He took 8 for 137. With Murali showing no indication of retiring Sri Lanka will take some beating with this extraordinary pairing of spinners.
PPS Matters
I was eagerly awaitng Lord Ray’s response to the PPS’ elevation. It duly arrived
The world has gone mad, surely? The PPS ensures that we lose the series by playing his usual brain-dead vainglorious shot at precisely the wrong time, only to be given the England captaincy and then winning by default rather than by his tactical acumen. When we should have been on the attack, he had Panesar bowling defensively, and some of the field placings were prompted more by ignorance than by any attempt at an analytical approach. My word! I bet those Aussies are really worried now he is on the bridge. Never mind though. His looks are the kind that can only be improved by having egg all over them. Noteworthy, too, that he got out yet again immediately he had scored 100. He does this too often for it to be a coincidence and it indicates just where his motivation lies.
Geoff Cleaver
Terry Hunt sent the following notes together with a photo taken from The Dane of 1960
I read with interest of the death of Geoff Cleaver. I was in the same class as him at SCD from 1954 to 1961. He always finished high up in the L stream, usually around 2nd or 3rd, and we both progressed to the 6th Classics, with RF Parr as form-master. Geoff's nickname, in a school which throve on them, was 'Jess' or 'Jessie', and 'Beaver'.
Our contemporary was Ken Clarke, of Cambridge football fame; one year below us was Dave Richardson, another Cambridge Blue, who died some years ago of cancer, and whose funeral at Dumber in Hampshire was organised by the father of Sarah Ferguson, I am told. When we entered the 6th Classics, the other members were Eames, Nadkarni and Walmsley (2 years above us) and Len Shilstone (one year above). We were a small group; our classroom was the Art Room Annex, the 'cupboard' at the back of the Art Room, where the school printing press and type was stored. We did not have desks, only chairs. Geoff was the most mature member of the group, although I suspect that his discussion on the female sex was more wishful thinking than reality.
Anyway, Geoff was a pugnacious, argumentative individual, who was much more interested in political discussion than the classical languages, and he was a regular participant in Jim Purser's discussion classes. In 1960 he took the Oxford entrance exams and was offered a place at St Edmund Hall, reading PPE. Some years later, I taught at a grammar school in Horsham with a star footballer, Brian Hardcastle (captain of Oxford and a member of the Horsham side which reached round 1 of the FA Cup in 1966), who had shared digs with Geoff at Oxford. Many years later I worked with someone, Robin Aikman, who had been company secretary of Wilkinson Sword and he told me that Geoff had been a director there.
As for his cricketing ability, I agree with the description of him making little talent go a long way. He was a left-hander, not a very good fielder, and the only time that I played with him in our last year at school was when we opened the batting for the 2nd XI against one of the London colleges. Unlike the description of him as a slow batsman, he was the one who got off to a rapid start, but he brought this to an end when he demolished his own stumps when sweeping to leg and left me to play a long, accumulating innings, which was brought to an end 9th wicket down. During his last term at school - with a place at Oxford awaiting him and no need to retake A and S levels for a higher grade, he spent the whole summer as assistant groundsman, rolling, cutting and re-cutting the cricket square (I think he enjoyed driving the roller).
David Perrin sent me this: Peter Burke, or Sammy as we called him, supplied a few anecdotes for the eulogy at Geoff's funeral two weeks ago. One was about the hundreds of losing racing tips Geoff, a keen punter, gave him. One running story about Geoff is his admiration over many years of the 'chestal endowment' of the wife of his one-time games master, Russ Collins. Fear not: Russ tells it often and Freda, Mrs Collins, is well aware of it and chuckles at its mention. Geoff went on about it for a good twenty five years. It got to the point where he'd just roll his eyes, exhale, and say 'Freda!' whenever he was among Bushmen.
And, finally, I received a telephone call from Diana Gaines, the widow of Neil. She had been upset to hear of Geoff’s death which she had heard of from Ray Cook, who Neil had played football with. She recalled happy times at the Bush in the sixties and seventies. She sent me the following:
“I really was sorry to hear about Geoff Cleaver, he was a really funny guy and in our younger times we had a great deal of fun with him and Sue.”
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket- Number 53
Panesar comes into bowl. The ball pitches on off stump and turns a little. Its hits the batsman’s pad outside the line of the stumps. Monty leaps into the air and screams an appeal at the umpire, who shows no interest. Monty looks incredulous and starts muttering before going back to his mark.
Panesar comes into bowl again. The batsman plays forward again and gets a thick inside edge onto the front pad. The ball drops safely clear of the short leg fielder. Monty goes berserk shrieking his appeal which is ignored by the umpire. Monty shakes his head all the way back to his mark before telling the umpire that he will bowl the next delivery over the wicket.
Panesar comes into bowl yet again. The ball pitches outside the leg stump and turns enough to hit the batsman’s front pad. Monty explodes and demands that the umpire give him his just deserts. The umpire obliges by giving the batsman not out.
Someone needs to take this prat Panesar aside and explain the laws of the game to him. He is now an established, if not a particularly good, test cricketer. It is bad enough that he is the worst fielder in the professional game since Bomber Wells but his appalling lack of knowledge of the laws is an embarrassment to all.
Googlies Postbag
My new correspondent has put pen to paper again
Dear Jimbo,
Trust things are pretty chipper in your neck of the woods and you’ve been able to dig out the old sou’wester from the back of the cupboard so you could go and watch some cricket. This South African chappie’s doing pretty well, what? Putting all his compatriot’s noses well and truly out of joint. And what about the Olympics! Good to see our Wet Bobs doing their stuff. And the women! Not really too sure about women and sport myself – don’t like to think of girls getting sweaty and all that. But those young doxies in that boat looked a bit of all right, what! Three little crackers, I thought.
Anyway, I wanted to sound you out on a jolly strange conversation I had the other day at Headquarters. I was in Town so I popped in for a spot of lunch. They do a nice steak and kidney, as you know, and the jam roly-poly is the best I’ve had since school. I had just sat down with a little post-prandial snifter and was watching the cricket when this chap plonked himself down next to me a started to chat. I thought I recognised the tie, so I responded. Then a couple of wickets fell and he said the oddest thing: “Do you think Middlesex should be relegated?” Well it was obvious straight away that this cove knew next-to-nothing about what he was looking at, and so I put him straight pdq. “No can do, old boy”, I said, “no relegation from Div. 2”. “No”, he said, “I know that. What I said was: Do you think they should be relegated? If there is relegation from Div 1 to Div.2 why not to 3 and 4 and so on?” Well, as you might imagine, I was a bit taken aback. And, to be frank, a little bit flummoxed as to how to answer. But I soon got back on an even keel, brain-wise, and began to put, what I thought, were some pretty telling points. “In the first place”, I said, “Where would they be relegated to? You can’t expect Middlesex to go off and play in Bucks or Beds or some other god-awful place.” “Why not?” he said. “Why not? Because they ain’t a Minor County of course!” “They would be if they were relegated”, he said, “and anyway, why do we keep this distinction between Minor Counties and First Class?”
He said this “First Class” bit with a sort of a sneer, and I thought he might be one of those who resent a chap paying a few bob more of hard earned dosh to have a seat in a first-class carriage and that sort of thing.
“Anyway,” I said, “the promoted Minor County”. I emphasised the Minor a bit wouldn’t be able to cope.” “Why not?” he said. (I was getting a bit cheesed-off with this “why not?” business, I can tell you). “Well”, I said, “They haven’t got the grounds to play on.” “Not so. Lots of club grounds have very good wickets – much better than in the past – and several First Class (that sneer again) Counties play on club grounds or at schools. Surrey, for example, play at my old school.” Whitgift’s – I knew I recognised the tie – they always were rum old lot down there. Then he rattled off any number of venues (just like a classroom swat) that had hosted county matches in the past few years. “But what about the stands”, I countered, “clubs don’t have stands to seat the crowds.” “What crowds? Hardly anyone watches county cricket and you can easily erect temporary stands, and if they used a couple of venues it would hardly disrupt the clubs’ fixture list at all.”
Well I was struggling a bit here, I don’t mind saying, but then I had a brainwave. “Ah ha!” I said, “but what about the promoted team. They would be hopeless. A team of part-time plumbers, dentists and what-not would be marmalised, by Yorkshire or Notts or whoever. It just wouldn’t work.” “Why not?” Again! “Each First Class county gets over £1 million from the ECB. The newly-promoted team could just use that money to hire test cricketers from around the world to turn out for them. They might not have the same team each week but there’s nothing new in that.” “But what would be the point of that?” I said, “What would be the point of using ECB money to hire a troupe of johnny foreigners to play county cricket in England?” And do you know what he said? I could hardly credit it. He simply stood up, took a last gulp of his drink, straightened his tie, and said: “Quite”… and stomped off.
Well I know they’ve been letting some pretty queer types into the old Headquarters pav in the last few years but I thought this was pretty dashed poor I can tell you. I’m on the point of writing a strong note to the Hon Sec and I trust I can have your support. I’ll keep you posted as to how I get on. That’s all for now.
Pip pip!
Johners
Old enough to know better Matters
John Lindley tells me that he has recently taken his four thousandth wicket for Ealing CC. This feat is being celebrated in the next edition of the Wisden Cricketer. I wonder if we should celebrate by getting all his victims together. I for one would have to join the line up. Well done, John.
Football Matters
After all the fuss and effort that went into selecting a new kit for Andrew Baker’s Ladies Football team a disaster struck when after their first match it was stolen from the laundry hamper. Andrew is beside himself but the players don’t seem too concerned about it.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 69
September 2008
1. Andrew Strauss: Who are you going to model yourself on Kev? I tried to captain like Mike Brearley.
KP: Mike Brearley? Never heard of him.
2. KP: Now I’m captain I should be able to get a decent bowl.
3. KP: Here’s the game plan. I will score a hundred and make the opposition bowlers look foolish. Can I count on you guys for 20 each?
4. Geoff Miller: Are there any players you think we should consider for the side Kevin?
KP: There are a few guys who might feel at home playing along side me: Martin van Jaarsveld, Francois Du Plessis, Ryan McClaren, Nic Pothas, Hylton Ackerman, Tyron Henderson, Johannes Van Der Wath, Charl Willoughby, Craig Kieswetter and Deon Kruis.
5. Alistair Cook: Look at the tits on that bird over there.
Andrew Strauss: Careful Alistair, that’s the skip’s wife.
6. Christopher Martin Jenkins: What do you have to do to play for England?
KP: Four years qualification.
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor had to leave the Old Danes Gathering early but, as he explains, he had good reason
You will be pleased to know that the Owais Shah Benefit match went off very well. A cloudburst prevented play starting on time so we had a 15/15 game but that worked out well. I was pleased that Middlesex came with such a strong side - often these benefit matches are heavily advertised and then only a couple of first-teamers turn up - but Middlesex were represented by: Shah, Scott, Malan, Compton, Godleman, Finn, London, Housego, Evans, and Murtagh...not a bad side. Middlesex batted first and generally strummed the ball around. I was particularly taken with Housego who I don't think I have seen bat before. He looks about 12 years old but played a delightful array of shorts to all parts of the ground. Apparently there was much talk in the dressing room of new contracts - who/what/when to sign, etc. I should have thought that Middlesex would be particularly keen to get young Housego on the books for another season. Hertfordshire fielded a largely Welwyn Garden City team and so the result was particularly pleasing - Middlesex got 162 from their 15 overs and we knocked them off in the last over for a memorable win. I'm told we now play Rajasthan Royals in the next round.
Lunch in Wales
On Thursday I dropped Rosemary off at Manchester Airport around 9am and then drove west along the M56 towards my office in Ellesmere Port. The weather was glorious and just got better as I progressed. I decided to give Colwyn Bay a chance but things started to go wrong as soon as I crossed into Wales. The blue skies disappeared and the skies became overcast.
My Middlesex membership card cut no ice with the local Celts. I parked on the grass next to Colwyn Bay CC for £4 and paid £8 to enter the ground. There is an embankment on the south side of the ground which gives a reasonable view of the playing area although the sight screen obscures part of the outfield. Dalrymple and Shantry who had added 30 odd for the last wicket already on Wednesday resumed and proceeded like openers expecting to still be there at lunchtime, regardless of the rate of run scoring. In the event Richo hit Dalrymple above the knee playing forward and Martin Bodenham obliged by giving him out. Dalrymple couldn’t believe it and dragged himself from the crease.
Gunner, the other umpire, was obviously distressed not to be the centre of attraction and soon started to exercise his authority as senior umpire and incur the wrath of the modest crowd. First he took the players off for rain as soon as the Middlesex innings started at 11.30 but it stopped before they reached the pavilion and so he reluctantly led them back out five minutes later. Joyce holed out to cover driving without getting to the pitch of the ball. Owais came in and went through his various stretching exercises and as usual behaved as if it was rather below him to be playing at this level.
The Welsh Wizard was fielding at mid on and he kept up a non stop commentary on the play which was clearly audible all round the ground. Godleman three times stopped Adam Shantry on his approach to the wicket in an attempt to deliver the first ball of an over as some twat first sat in front of the sightscreen and then kept moving his chair. As he came in for the fourth time the WW spouts “Come on lads you never know when he is going to pop his head up again”. By now lunch was looming and Hemp brought the Welsh Wizard on for the penultimate over. The ground is a bit small by first class standards and even with the wicket in the middle of the square the boundaries are probably no more than sixty five yards. The WW’s first ball was on a length outside the off stump and Owais clubbed it high over the pavilion beyond the outbuildings and half way across the members’ car park. It must have been the best part of a hundred yards. However in the next over Richard Grant, an occasional innocuous seamer, trundled in and Owais played all round a straight half volley. It was raining again as Morgan trudged out for the last couple of balls and Gunner generously allowed them to stay out there to finish the over.
I ate my sandwiches under my umbrella (sounds like Rihanna) but by 1.30 p.m. the rain had stopped. However, inexplicably, the square remained covered. Gunner strolled out at 1.35pm and just stood around. The outfield was not saturated and the wicket was still covered. The extraordinary announcement was then made that “play would begin at 1.55pm, if there was no further rain”. There was much dark cloud around and so I decided, in a fit of pique, to give up and go into my office. In the event it proved to be the right decision as there were only a couple of overs bowled during the rest of the day.
I was later to find out that John Williams had also been there when he sent me this
I was at Brentham yesterday for one of their centenary matches - v. CCC. We managed to get in a full day's play in spite of cold, cloudy very blustery day. It was a proper game of cricket - CCC 216 for 7 dec. Brentham 179 all out off the last ball of the 20th over - but time would have allowed another over. Twenty one overs in an hour! The President of CCC, Robin Syrett, was present as was the Chairman Welch. Poorey was there - he confirmed that he was not on CCC tour to Oz. MCL President Pauncey was also present, up from a very wet West Country, primarily for the CCC league final between MCL and Surrey at Wimbledon tomorrow.
I have been doing a bit of watching recently: Middlesex v. Worcestershire – all three days. I was not going to go on the third day as I didn't fancy watching Middlesex bat all day but when I saw the lunchtime score - 28 for 4 – I jumped on the rattler immediately to witness ten wicket thrashing of the home team. At tea, with my Middlesex hat on, I would have opened with Kartik & Murtagh, but with my Worcestershire hat on with Finn & Evans. Of course with the latter pair opening it enabled Middlesex to have Friday off and to prepare, successfully, for the 20/20 day. I then went to Cheltenham for Gloucestershire v. Worcestershire. Another thrashing for the home side. Vikram's 270 was fantastic to watch. Cheltenham is the oldest Festival in the country and was very well attended. There were about sixteen hospitality marquees - some very large. It puts Uxbridge to shame. It was then on to Colwyn Bay where JD batted superbly on the first day. The weather rather spoilt the game - but it was still great fun. I was not going to the last day anyway - no play at all - as I had decided to visit the New Meadow to see Shrewsbury Town thrash Macclesfield Town 4-0. On my way home on I Sunday popped into Stratford and met up with the Hardie brothers - did you know that there are three of them?
Second Eleven Matters
The Great Jack Morgan has managed to find some cricket between the showers
I went to Beckenham for the first day of the Second XI Championship match between Kent and Sussex. It was a remarkable day and was totally dominated by Kent’s eighteen year old batting prodigy Sam Northeast. He came to the wicket after the early loss of Chambers and immediately looked in control, even though his colleagues were all having trouble with the lively Sussex pace attack. Good players such as Alex Blake, Matt Walker and Charlie Hemphrey, who had all impressed in the match against Middlesex at Richmond in June, came and went, but nothing disturbed Northeast as he marched towards his century, which he achieved in the 40th over, having scored, at that time, 72.3% of the total. He wasn’t satisfied, however, and continued to play some fine shots, but he tired towards the end of his innings and was eventually ninth out for 177 when the score was 267 and his proportion of the total runs scored had slumped to a feeble 66.3%. It was not a chanceless knock, but it was one of the most impressive innings I have ever seen from an 18 year old and beat his 150 against Middlesex at Radlett last year. Martin Saggers hung around to add 40 for the eighth wicket with young Sam, but the second highest score was the 37* achieved by no 10 Amjad Khan, who shared a stand of 51 with Northeast for the ninth wicket and then added another 41* with last man Phil Edwards (24*) before Walker declared at 308 for 9 (not bad after being 176 for 7) in order to have five overs at the Sussex batsmen before the close. The four Sussex pacemen “Mozza” Morris (3 wickets), James Kirtley (2), Chris Liddle (1) and Will Adkin (1) had all caused problems, but I must also mention skipper and slow left armer Tom Smith (that is TMJ not TCP of Lancs and Leics) who bowled a long and accurate spell uphill and into the wind from before lunch until after tea: he picked up two wickets, but could easily have had more.
Middlesex won the toss and batted first in the Second XI Championship match against Lancashire at St Paul’s School, Barnes, but struggled badly and reached lunch on 80 for 5 off 41 overs. Shaun Levy made 35 and Sam Robson 30, but it was Adam London, batting at 7, who led the revival with support from keeper John Simpson (54) in a stand of 119 for the seventh wicket. The scoring rate remained unexciting however, but this could not be blamed on London, who reached a thoroughly deserved century shortly before the close with Middlesex on 267 for 7 off 110 overs. The weather was less kind on days 2 and 3 as 43 overs were lost in all and the fact that we were able to enjoy an interesting third day was mainly down to Lancashire. Middlesex declared on 279 for 9 (London 104) early on day 2 and Lancs batted enterprisingly to declare on 200 for 1, with Karl Brown hitting 41, Mark Chilton 69* and Mal Loye an entertaining 70*. Middlesex reached the close on 34 for 0 and next day, Shaun Levy (38) and Nick Compton (29) took their stand to 60 and those runs were made off the front line bowlers, but Lancs were determined to get a result from the match and Dan Housego (60*) and Sam Robson (81*) made hay against the rarely seen off-spin of skipper Chilton and England ODI man Loye and non-existent fielding. This is always an unedifying sight, but it did allow Middlesex to declare at lunch on 211-2, setting Lancs a target of 291 in 60 overs.
The visitors never looked like achieving this, however, as they found a lively Steve Finn much more difficult to handle in the gloom and drizzle than Middlesex had found dealing with the wiles of Chilton and Loye and Steve had the top four back in the hutch with only 15 on the board. Keeper Gareth Cross (45) led a partial recovery as the weather brightened and he received some support from newcomer Jordan Clark and all-rounder Simon Marshall. Then impressive new pace bowler Richie Banham (who had taken the only wicket to fall in the first innings) took three quick wickets, Dave Burton chipped in with two more and Finny wrapped it up with his fifth wicket as Lancs fell to 148 all out. The Lancs attack was without several stalwarts such as Tom Smith, Ollie Newby (both out on loan) and Kyle Hogg, but 20 year old paceman Steve Cheetham deserved his three first innings wickets while the other eight Middlesex wickets to fall were spread among their three good young spinners Marshall (who is being released, I gather) with 2, Steve Parry (3) and Simon Kerrigan (3). This was in complete contrast to the Middlesex spin trio of Kabir Toor, Luke Ryan and Sam Robson, who did not take a wicket between them in the match. Credit for the interesting and surprising conclusion to the match must go to Lancs and skipper Chilton, but also to Middlesex’s stand-in captain Nick Compton, who seemed to have a flair for the job, to the Middlesex close fielders who hung on to everything and, of course, to the three Middlesex pace bowlers.
Old Trafford Matters
I met up with the Professor at Old Trafford for the second day of the Lancashire v Yorkshire match which actually was the first since the ground was unfit on the first day. In fact we arrived in the car park at the same time. Interestingly it takes him almost the same time to get there from Harrogate as it does me from home in the Peak District. The gatemen tried to stop the Prof from entering the ground as they didn’t want him to pay and not see any cricket. The tannoy had just announced that there would be an inspection by Messrs Jones and Burgess at 12.50. How do they determine these odd times? We strolled round to the pavilion and had breakfast followed by lunch in glorious sunshine watching the Squeegee machine do laps and the forking machine perforate the surface.
When the umpires duly appeared they went and examined the wicket and immediate square. This was odd as it had, presumably, been fully covered during Tuesday’s cloudburst. But then this is OT we are talking about and who knows? Anyway they deliberated further and they were joined by the two captains, Gough and Law, who are nearly as old as they are. They only made the most perfunctory of inspections of the outfield and reached their conclusion that play would commence at 2.10pm. How did they know what the state of the ground would be in 75 minutes time? If it was OK at 12.55 why would it need this time to elapse before play would begin? If it had been a one day match there would almost certainly have been no delay. What are the rules/laws regarding these matters? Is it just up to the whims of the particular umpires on the day?
Lancashire won the toss and elected to bat. But such good fortune is a sort of poisoned chalice for the home team whose top order batting is as crap as Middlesex’s this season. Hoggard looked very slim, shorn of his locks and bowled pretty quickly. He bowled Sutcliffe on the block and conceded very few runs even though he had no third man. Sutcliffe is English but felt so out of place in the Lancashire line up that he retired during the course of the match. I assumed that the ball wasn’t swinging whilst the Prof opined that swing bowlers should always swing the ball regardless of conditions and whether they were operating with a Duke, Reader or Kookaburra ball. During this session the ball went out of shape and a box of alternatives was produced. Half the Yorkshire side joined the umpires in trying to find a suitable alternative. It started to look as if the match would have to be abandoned as none of them seemed to fit the bill. The Lancashire batsmen took no interest in this protracted procedure.
After only twelve overs Gough brought on Rashid from the Brian Statham end. He bowled unchanged for twenty six overs until the close. Paul Horton, who is becoming more English with every passing month, impressed us earlier in the season but struggled for sixteen overs in making 16 and was out LBW to Rashid. This brought Du Plessis to the crease. He hasn’t started to become English yet, but easily looked the best batsman on display during the day. Law, who has already become English, had played some crisp shots but when Bresnan replaced Gough he guided the ball to second slip where Anthony McGrath, who is probably seventeen stone, took a surprisingly good catch. Lou Vincent who had been dropped down the order, as opposed to Mal Loye who had been just dropped, played a terrible shot and suddenly Lancashire were in a Middlesex like 87 for 4.
At tea we wandered down to the second hand bookshop where a middle class lady acts as proprietor raising money for the youth academy. The Professor and I collected together a pile of Playfair back editions which substantially filled my black hole from 1981 to 2000. The Professor got into conversation with the proprietor who called him pedantic. He was taken aback by this unexpected affront and corrected her saying that his use of English had just been correct. This banter went on for the rest of the interval with much agreement and mutual bigotries being aired around personal pronouns, split infinitives etc.
After tea Rashid bowled to a slip, short third man, two very short extra covers, mid off and a two thirds of the way to the boundary sweeper. We were in the process of ridiculing this ludicrous field setting when Du Plessis obligingly drove straight into the hands of McGrath who was one of the short extra covers. Could Croft and the tail rally the side to at least one batting point? Naved, who had gone wicketless and must have wished he was bowling against Middlesex, had started after tea and gave way to Hoggard who looked quite quick. He soon had Sutton caught down the leg side and then castled Chapple who had hit a straight six off of Rashid with a flick of the back foot.
The recently sacked Cork was greeted by the faithful with the biggest cheer of the day but he holed out for no good reason other than pique against Rashid. Surprisingly Keedy and Croft then played out the final twelve overs without being troubled and added an unlikely 39 runs.
Carrom Matters
Some readers are, no doubt, still a little confused as to what constitutes a Chinaman, as in Johnny Wardle, not Ho Chi Minh. They will have been further baffled by talk of the Doozra whereby an off spinner bowls a leg break without noticeably changing his action. Murali is the arch exponent of this and the laws of the game were altered in one dash of the pen to make legal the throws he exercised to deliver both. The only Englishman to get his wrist round this is Alex Loudon who promptly moved to Warwickshire from Kent and then retired from the game.
Sri Lanka have just comfortably beaten India in a test series. Yes, Murali featured strongly, as would be expected. But bowling at the other end was a test debutant, Ajantha Mendis. This spin bowler defies all previous designations. He bowls off spin, leg spin, googlies and doozras. And if this is not enough he also has introduced to test cricket a new delivery, the carrom ball. In this delivery he holds the ball along the seam between forefinger and thumb, with the seam pointed in the direction of gully, Mendis propels the ball with the knuckle and nail of his middle finger. He manages to land it perfectly time after time, and after pitching, it zips away from the batsman like a leg-cutter in a rush. The name derives from the Indian table-top game, Carrom, where a similar flicking technique is employed.
Dileep Premachandran reports:
“His variations were far too much for both Pakistan and India at the Asia Cup in June-July, with the Indian humiliation in the final especially acute. The cream of a young batting line-up that had beaten Australia earlier in the year was rendered clueless, and commentators back in India were left to console themselves with the thought that the middle-order legends would all be back for the Test series in Sri Lanka. That it would be a dream debut was seldom in doubt once Sri Lanka’s batsmen had piled up 600 against a listless Indian attack. Mendis planted seeds of doubt in his first four overs, and then reaped the reward with the first delivery of his fifth. The carrom ball on middle stump forced Dravid back in his crease, but by the time the bat arced down, the ball had crashed into the top of off stump. Anil Kumble and Zaheer Khan were then bamboozled by his variations before a magnificent over fetched him the prize wicket. At his best, VVS Laxman is a master against the turning ball, the man who demoralised Shane Warne by flicking against the spin through midwicket, and driving inside out through extra-cover. Mendis set him up with two carrom balls that barely missed the edge before a superb googly sneaked through bat and pad. In the second innings, he took out Laxman and Dravid again to finish with match figures of 8 for 132 as Sri Lanka romped home by an innings and 238 runs.”
In the second and deciding test Mendis was more expensive. He took 8 for 137. With Murali showing no indication of retiring Sri Lanka will take some beating with this extraordinary pairing of spinners.
PPS Matters
I was eagerly awaitng Lord Ray’s response to the PPS’ elevation. It duly arrived
The world has gone mad, surely? The PPS ensures that we lose the series by playing his usual brain-dead vainglorious shot at precisely the wrong time, only to be given the England captaincy and then winning by default rather than by his tactical acumen. When we should have been on the attack, he had Panesar bowling defensively, and some of the field placings were prompted more by ignorance than by any attempt at an analytical approach. My word! I bet those Aussies are really worried now he is on the bridge. Never mind though. His looks are the kind that can only be improved by having egg all over them. Noteworthy, too, that he got out yet again immediately he had scored 100. He does this too often for it to be a coincidence and it indicates just where his motivation lies.
Geoff Cleaver
Terry Hunt sent the following notes together with a photo taken from The Dane of 1960
I read with interest of the death of Geoff Cleaver. I was in the same class as him at SCD from 1954 to 1961. He always finished high up in the L stream, usually around 2nd or 3rd, and we both progressed to the 6th Classics, with RF Parr as form-master. Geoff's nickname, in a school which throve on them, was 'Jess' or 'Jessie', and 'Beaver'.
Our contemporary was Ken Clarke, of Cambridge football fame; one year below us was Dave Richardson, another Cambridge Blue, who died some years ago of cancer, and whose funeral at Dumber in Hampshire was organised by the father of Sarah Ferguson, I am told. When we entered the 6th Classics, the other members were Eames, Nadkarni and Walmsley (2 years above us) and Len Shilstone (one year above). We were a small group; our classroom was the Art Room Annex, the 'cupboard' at the back of the Art Room, where the school printing press and type was stored. We did not have desks, only chairs. Geoff was the most mature member of the group, although I suspect that his discussion on the female sex was more wishful thinking than reality.
Anyway, Geoff was a pugnacious, argumentative individual, who was much more interested in political discussion than the classical languages, and he was a regular participant in Jim Purser's discussion classes. In 1960 he took the Oxford entrance exams and was offered a place at St Edmund Hall, reading PPE. Some years later, I taught at a grammar school in Horsham with a star footballer, Brian Hardcastle (captain of Oxford and a member of the Horsham side which reached round 1 of the FA Cup in 1966), who had shared digs with Geoff at Oxford. Many years later I worked with someone, Robin Aikman, who had been company secretary of Wilkinson Sword and he told me that Geoff had been a director there.
As for his cricketing ability, I agree with the description of him making little talent go a long way. He was a left-hander, not a very good fielder, and the only time that I played with him in our last year at school was when we opened the batting for the 2nd XI against one of the London colleges. Unlike the description of him as a slow batsman, he was the one who got off to a rapid start, but he brought this to an end when he demolished his own stumps when sweeping to leg and left me to play a long, accumulating innings, which was brought to an end 9th wicket down. During his last term at school - with a place at Oxford awaiting him and no need to retake A and S levels for a higher grade, he spent the whole summer as assistant groundsman, rolling, cutting and re-cutting the cricket square (I think he enjoyed driving the roller).
David Perrin sent me this: Peter Burke, or Sammy as we called him, supplied a few anecdotes for the eulogy at Geoff's funeral two weeks ago. One was about the hundreds of losing racing tips Geoff, a keen punter, gave him. One running story about Geoff is his admiration over many years of the 'chestal endowment' of the wife of his one-time games master, Russ Collins. Fear not: Russ tells it often and Freda, Mrs Collins, is well aware of it and chuckles at its mention. Geoff went on about it for a good twenty five years. It got to the point where he'd just roll his eyes, exhale, and say 'Freda!' whenever he was among Bushmen.
And, finally, I received a telephone call from Diana Gaines, the widow of Neil. She had been upset to hear of Geoff’s death which she had heard of from Ray Cook, who Neil had played football with. She recalled happy times at the Bush in the sixties and seventies. She sent me the following:
“I really was sorry to hear about Geoff Cleaver, he was a really funny guy and in our younger times we had a great deal of fun with him and Sue.”
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket- Number 53
Panesar comes into bowl. The ball pitches on off stump and turns a little. Its hits the batsman’s pad outside the line of the stumps. Monty leaps into the air and screams an appeal at the umpire, who shows no interest. Monty looks incredulous and starts muttering before going back to his mark.
Panesar comes into bowl again. The batsman plays forward again and gets a thick inside edge onto the front pad. The ball drops safely clear of the short leg fielder. Monty goes berserk shrieking his appeal which is ignored by the umpire. Monty shakes his head all the way back to his mark before telling the umpire that he will bowl the next delivery over the wicket.
Panesar comes into bowl yet again. The ball pitches outside the leg stump and turns enough to hit the batsman’s front pad. Monty explodes and demands that the umpire give him his just deserts. The umpire obliges by giving the batsman not out.
Someone needs to take this prat Panesar aside and explain the laws of the game to him. He is now an established, if not a particularly good, test cricketer. It is bad enough that he is the worst fielder in the professional game since Bomber Wells but his appalling lack of knowledge of the laws is an embarrassment to all.
Googlies Postbag
My new correspondent has put pen to paper again
Dear Jimbo,
Trust things are pretty chipper in your neck of the woods and you’ve been able to dig out the old sou’wester from the back of the cupboard so you could go and watch some cricket. This South African chappie’s doing pretty well, what? Putting all his compatriot’s noses well and truly out of joint. And what about the Olympics! Good to see our Wet Bobs doing their stuff. And the women! Not really too sure about women and sport myself – don’t like to think of girls getting sweaty and all that. But those young doxies in that boat looked a bit of all right, what! Three little crackers, I thought.
Anyway, I wanted to sound you out on a jolly strange conversation I had the other day at Headquarters. I was in Town so I popped in for a spot of lunch. They do a nice steak and kidney, as you know, and the jam roly-poly is the best I’ve had since school. I had just sat down with a little post-prandial snifter and was watching the cricket when this chap plonked himself down next to me a started to chat. I thought I recognised the tie, so I responded. Then a couple of wickets fell and he said the oddest thing: “Do you think Middlesex should be relegated?” Well it was obvious straight away that this cove knew next-to-nothing about what he was looking at, and so I put him straight pdq. “No can do, old boy”, I said, “no relegation from Div. 2”. “No”, he said, “I know that. What I said was: Do you think they should be relegated? If there is relegation from Div 1 to Div.2 why not to 3 and 4 and so on?” Well, as you might imagine, I was a bit taken aback. And, to be frank, a little bit flummoxed as to how to answer. But I soon got back on an even keel, brain-wise, and began to put, what I thought, were some pretty telling points. “In the first place”, I said, “Where would they be relegated to? You can’t expect Middlesex to go off and play in Bucks or Beds or some other god-awful place.” “Why not?” he said. “Why not? Because they ain’t a Minor County of course!” “They would be if they were relegated”, he said, “and anyway, why do we keep this distinction between Minor Counties and First Class?”
He said this “First Class” bit with a sort of a sneer, and I thought he might be one of those who resent a chap paying a few bob more of hard earned dosh to have a seat in a first-class carriage and that sort of thing.
“Anyway,” I said, “the promoted Minor County”. I emphasised the Minor a bit wouldn’t be able to cope.” “Why not?” he said. (I was getting a bit cheesed-off with this “why not?” business, I can tell you). “Well”, I said, “They haven’t got the grounds to play on.” “Not so. Lots of club grounds have very good wickets – much better than in the past – and several First Class (that sneer again) Counties play on club grounds or at schools. Surrey, for example, play at my old school.” Whitgift’s – I knew I recognised the tie – they always were rum old lot down there. Then he rattled off any number of venues (just like a classroom swat) that had hosted county matches in the past few years. “But what about the stands”, I countered, “clubs don’t have stands to seat the crowds.” “What crowds? Hardly anyone watches county cricket and you can easily erect temporary stands, and if they used a couple of venues it would hardly disrupt the clubs’ fixture list at all.”
Well I was struggling a bit here, I don’t mind saying, but then I had a brainwave. “Ah ha!” I said, “but what about the promoted team. They would be hopeless. A team of part-time plumbers, dentists and what-not would be marmalised, by Yorkshire or Notts or whoever. It just wouldn’t work.” “Why not?” Again! “Each First Class county gets over £1 million from the ECB. The newly-promoted team could just use that money to hire test cricketers from around the world to turn out for them. They might not have the same team each week but there’s nothing new in that.” “But what would be the point of that?” I said, “What would be the point of using ECB money to hire a troupe of johnny foreigners to play county cricket in England?” And do you know what he said? I could hardly credit it. He simply stood up, took a last gulp of his drink, straightened his tie, and said: “Quite”… and stomped off.
Well I know they’ve been letting some pretty queer types into the old Headquarters pav in the last few years but I thought this was pretty dashed poor I can tell you. I’m on the point of writing a strong note to the Hon Sec and I trust I can have your support. I’ll keep you posted as to how I get on. That’s all for now.
Pip pip!
Johners
Old enough to know better Matters
John Lindley tells me that he has recently taken his four thousandth wicket for Ealing CC. This feat is being celebrated in the next edition of the Wisden Cricketer. I wonder if we should celebrate by getting all his victims together. I for one would have to join the line up. Well done, John.
Football Matters
After all the fuss and effort that went into selecting a new kit for Andrew Baker’s Ladies Football team a disaster struck when after their first match it was stolen from the laundry hamper. Andrew is beside himself but the players don’t seem too concerned about it.
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