GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 7
July 2003
After the Gold Rush
When I was a prefect in 1965 and 1966 the Great Jack Morgan’s cousin, Jim Revier, was a rather irritating troublemaker in the second and third forms. However, he later became an amusing and enjoyable companion at the Bloemfontein Road end on Saturday afternoons. I rarely came across him on the cricket field, but did play my last game of proper cricket with him when guesting for Dave Perrin’s Ballbaggians at South Hampstead in 1983. Jim admits to being cyberly challenged but has now discovered how to open an email and has joined the Googlies fraternity. He tells me, unashamedly, that he still purchases all of Neil Young’s offerings.
Steve Thompson has responded at last, but not to these literary masterpieces; instead to the threat of being included in a future Appalling Fielders segment. He has apparently been at Russ Collins 65th birthday celebrations, but surely not for six months? Needless to say Messrs Morgan and Rhoades were not in attendance. Steve has done penance by describing in detail the events that unfolded at this “spectacular” and consequently I will not devote valuable column inches to his high stepping, but no progress, running action…
Phil Matthews has been brilliantly discovered by the Professor through the Academic Freemasonry Network that is just a fog to the rest of us. If you want to contact Phil you will find his email address on the header, but please tread gently – he has been dormant for over thirty years.
Since we are in the depths of the examination season you will get your opportunity to sit A-Level Sport in this issue and we also have Strange Elevens contributed by Nigel Hathaway and Peter Hoare as well as by Dave Banks and the Great Jack Morgan.
The Season-June By the time that you read this Don Wallis will probably be opening the bowling for England, since he has wisely never availed himself of a fitness regime that produces bulging biceps or callisthenic calves but does facilitate progressing from his marker to the wicket without collapsing in a heap. I take my hat off to all those bowlers from the Good Old Days who could manage bowling fifteen overs on Saturday and Sunday unlike their ludicrous successors who wilt at the thought of a three over spell. Come to think of it there are plenty who still haven’t bowled that many this season.
*
The Professor reports that South Hampstead was victorious at Digswell Park in the Evening Standard Trophy. Apparently Welwyn Garden City is going to concentrate on the league this year. Perhaps someone at South Hampstead can keep us apprised of their cup progress.
*
The Pipsqueak Kiwi has been officiating in the West Indies v Sri Lanka One-Day and Test series. In addition to his penchant for flamboyant semaphore he has now added two new idiosyncrasies. When raising his hands either to signal a six or to give a batsman out he curls his index fingers as if he is suffering from chronic arthritis. He has also developed the habit of adopting a supercilious smile when rejecting an appeal. It won’t be long before some wound up bowler decides to wipe it off his face.
*
After moderate success in the Pakistan series the England set up showed what it was really capable of by getting stuffed against all the odds at Trent Bridge against a Zimbabwe side that would struggle in the Minor Counties. The most appalling aspect of this by far was the sight of Ashley Giles missing three critical run-outs by standing in front of the stumps at the bowlers end. Does anyone give these twats any coaching at all?
*
The Australians have employed Mike Young, a baseball coach, to help them take their game to the “next level”. It is reported that skills that will be developed include ambidextrous throwing and switch-hitting. As usual Googlies is ahead of the game with our own ambidextrous thrower, Kevin James, brother of Martin. At some stage we shall also divulge how Bob Cozens was the original switch-hitter.
*
The Professor reports that in June he “went to see our Firsts play Chorleywood. I’ve not been there before – I think they are newly promoted to our league. It’s a very “traditional” ground – church in the corner, pub over the road, not very good wicket. However, 300 yards down the road is a school called St Clement Danes. I’d never visited the “new” location so I drove into the car park. It being a Saturday, all was locked up but it is a very impressive site. The buildings, self evidently, are modern but look in good nick and the grounds are extensive and look very well maintained –from which I assume that Paddy Grogan was not retained for this task. Right in front of the main entrance is a brick plinth on which they have mounted the old stone lintel from the door case of the DuCane road building with the “Holborn Estate Grammar School” inscription. I must say that from this cursory inspection the impression was very good.
*
If you are a betting man or woman you might like to join in the G&C sweepstake on the size of Shane Hamburger Warne’s girth at the conclusion of his one-year ban for drug offences. Since he is unlikely to pop any more of his mum’s slimming pills and he is likely to spend much of his exile at MacDonalds we can probably expect the roly-poly version of the late nineties. Arthur Gates will relieve you of any excess folding material you wish to wager.
The South Hampstead Wednesday XI – 1968
The South Hampstead Wednesday XI of 1968 had changed significantly from that of 1964 described in an earlier edition. Jim Franklin had succeeded Jack Wilson as captain and he had, in turn, handed over the reins to Peter Huntley, who fielded in plimsoles and didn’t like dogs.
Don Wallis had improbably decided to use up valuable holiday time and he became Peter’s vice captain. Dick Simpson made the odd appearance but more importantly donated Ossie Burton to the team. Harry Bayliss, a cab driver, who played his first game of cricket at the age of forty, had become a member under the “new pavilion slackening of membership requirements”. Another cabbie, Jack Singman, who played at the weekend, also forwent his Wednesday afternoon fares. A typical side in 1968 would be:
Jack Singman
Jim Sharp
Ron Impey
Peter Huntley
Harry Bayliss
Peter Barclay
Graham Sharp
Jeremy Hall
Ossie Burton
Don Wallis
Jim Franklin
Rhys Axworthy was still usually the Umpire
Opening the batting with Jack Singman was one of the strangest cricketing experiences I ever had. The South Hampstead wicket was flat and true but generally slow. Jack would always wear a selection of sweaters knitted by his girlfriend Pat, topped by an enormous white cardigan. He would take strike in a very square on style, as made fashionable by Ken Barrington, and presented the new ball bowler with what can only be described as a wide grin. If this incongruous sight were not enough to put the bowler off it paled into insignificance with what followed.
For a couple of overs Jack would play in a fairly normal defensive manner to get his eye in. He would then start to swing through the ball almost regardless of length or line. The extraordinary thing was that these seemingly agricultural swats invariably went along the ground through the mid-on mid –off V. At the weekend I don’t think that Jack ever played for the first eleven but at the lower levels on good wickets he could be devastating and certainly scored a stack of runs on Wednesdays. And all the time he kept grinning.
Harry Bayliss brought a new dimension to the post match entertainment, as he was an accomplished magician and a member of the Magic Circle. He would either bemuse individually at the bar with cups and sponges or get involved in more elaborate hoaxes using stooges, such as Rhys and Jimmy Franklin. In the course of a long-winded card trick they would call across the bar to Rhys and ask him to think of a card. Hours later when the trick unfolded and Rhys was hailed he could be relied upon, as he always did, to give up the four of spades.
Getting home after a full session was a hazardous business and I recall one occasion when half way home in the back of Jim Franklin’s Vauxhall Estate George could take Jim’s driving on the right hand side of the road no longer and asked that we be let out to walk the rest of the way home.
Examination Time
Googlies has secured a copy of this summer’s Joint Matriculation Board’s A-Level Paper in Sport. All readers are required to sit this examination.
Three hours are allowed for completion of the examination
Write on one side of the page only
Question 1 must be answered together with two questions from each of sections A and B
1. “England’s fast bowlers should be paid by the balls bowled. This would solve their fitness problems overnight.” Discuss without reference to Horse Oils or liniment.
Section A
2. Mark Butcher can’t get in the Surrey First XI as a batsman, but is a first choice batsman and bowler in the England side. Discuss.
3. Rikki Clarke can’t get into the Surrey First XI but is a first choice in the England one-day set-up. Discuss.
4. “Naomi Campbell is more deserving of the OBE than David Beckham”. Explain why you agree with this, with particular reference to economic factors.
5. What number links the following men: Bobby Cameron, Tesi Balogan, George Whitelaw, Bernard Evans and Les Allen?
6. “Having the right hairstyle is critical to peak performance in sport”. Explain why this is both true and false.
7. Explain the connection between the following and why they have all been pursued by the New York Yankees: Ian Meckiff, Charlie Griffith, Murilatharan and Jermaine Lawson?
8. “Identification with National sporting sides leads to world instability and therefore should be discouraged.”
“National sporting sides should never be subsidiary to club sides.”
Compare and contrast these two statements
Section B
Compare and contrast these two statements with particular reference to armchair flatulence.
Candidates achieving pass marks will be given complimentary season tickets
Project Salvation The Great jack Morgan continues our debate on the problems of the structure of the English game
Some of the Professor’s points are sensible, but it is hard to agree with his conclusions. He knows little about county cricket and is interested in saving club cricket (as we all want to), but that is a different objective and this is not the time for the ECB to start backing a different horse.
Many millions have been pumped into the county academies and the national academy at Loughborough. These must be given a good chance to succeed and this could be ten years. U-19 and County Board XIs are now being abolished and the replacement U-21 team will play only one-day stuff, so the only place for academy graduates to demonstrate their skills will be the county second elevens, even though this will mean even more players appearing at second team level. Gone are the days, albeit only three years ago, when Ian Gould would field very strong 2nd XIs and set out to win the championship. He succeeded in doing two years running, produced most of the current Middlesex first team and was sacked for his trouble.
As with many professional football clubs, second teams are now packed with colts and triallists but only a sprinkling of experienced players to maintain the quality. Consequently, 2s cricket is not so enjoyable to watch as it was in Gunner’s day, but we will have to wait to see if the new policy of looking at vast quantities of players is successful in unearthing more gems for the first team. I do not think we will ever produce players as consistently good as the Aussies. This will not be the fault of the academies, but will be the fault of our culture. In Australia, they like to get outside in the sun and play cricket; here we like to sit on our fat arses and watch footy on the box all year: it’s sickening.
I suppose we all like to see youngsters given their chance in the Test team (as long as they are good enough), but I do not want to see a bunch of youngsters all thrown in together. I believe young players should be phased in alongside experienced guys. How “Australian” is it to go for youngsters? Take a look at the average age of their team; they are not discarding their best players because another world cup occurs in four years’ time.... it’s only one-day crap after all. Unfortunately, I believe that very few of our young prospects are good enough at present and that we should therefore be very careful about discarding (too soon) the few players we have who are good enough. It’s depressing, but realistic. I have not seen Mr. Shafayat and I don’t suppose you have either. I’m sure he is a good player and I hope he will be a great one, but it is unwise to take too much notice of form in U-19 matches. I will be surprised if he “gets a chance this season”.
More Balls
The Professor expressed his surprise that I had not indulged in a diatribe on the phenomena referred to as “reverse swing”. I countered by challenging him to get the ball rolling, as it were
As I recall, this was a technique devised by Imran and his chums to make the ball swing back in very late - often at toe-crushing length. The ball was held like a conventional away swinger (shiny side in) and the left hand side of the ball scuffed up by use of a bottle top or some other convenient implement. Seemingly the ball would behave like an out swinger for most of its flight, just ducking in at the last minute. Quite why this happened no one seemed to know. Nor is it immediately clear how all this was observable in a projectile moving at 90 mph over a distance of about 18 yards. Indeed no one has quite worked out why a cricket ball swings anyway - why some swing more than others - why the weather has an effect, etc.
We had a research project here at the University some years ago with some aeronautical engineers using the wind tunnel to try to find out (OK I know, but its more interesting than most academic research). They concluded that it was the seam that was most important together with the fact that each ball has a fractionally different centre of gravity. The seams are also, of course, fractionally different in each ball - especially the better quality "hand stitched" ones.
My point however is that "reverse" has now taken the phrase "in swing" out of the lexicon. In the same way that a ball "jags" off the pitch any ball that moves in the air towards the bat is "reversing". Some of the great medium pace bowlers of the past "jagged" and "reversed" without knowing it. Incidentally, what ever happened to the medium pacer? Presumably covered wickets saw them off.
Neither the Professor nor I were bowlers, but if he is right then it would suggest that all the crap bowlers talk is just that – shit. If you need the shine on the outside to bowl an in-swinger but the shine on the inside to bowl a reverse swinger, then clearly no one knows what they are talking about. Sometimes the ball swings and sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe the colour of the bowler’s jock strap holds the key.
Russ Collins’ Sixty-Fifth Birthday Bash
Steve Thompson, who is still a forty-somethinger, sends this clandestine report on Russ’ graduation party
I arrived slightly late at this event of the season, whose guest list defined the in and the out crowd for the last thirty years; but I consoled myself that I had not only received an invite but had almost certainly traveled further than anyone else to be there, coming as I had from the West Wales Coast near Cardigan, where I had cut short a holiday under canvas.
Dress was prescribed as casual and I thought that I had done well to arrive in a relatively uncreased sand-coloured corduroy suit. However, I had failed to take into account the prevailing sense of humour of those who congregate at such functions. Micky Dunn greeted me by asking if I had become an artist, whilst Roy Cutler referred to me as “Daktari” for the rest of the day.
Everyone was talking about Peter Ray, the Wembley Wordsmith, who was in attendance, and had recently failed the Umpires Exam, which would have allowed him to officiate in the Premiership (this is now the first of three divisions in the Middlesex League). Nevertheless, he had made an unqualified debut the previous Saturday in a 1st XI fixture between Stanmore and Eastcote and had distinguished himself by giving eight LBW decisions in the match. Later in the proceedings he described to Alf Langley and me the validity of each decision with the same degree of relish and quantity of expletive as he would have if he had taken all eight wickets himself.
Big Alf Langley was in fine form and whilst his sobriquet is no longer adequate for his enormous size, his wonderful warmth and charm have assumed an almost statesman like quality. It is hard to believe that he is into his second half century and it is more than thirty years ago that as young impressionables we first incurred the wrath of Don Wallis at South Hampstead. It was at Milverton Road on a Sunday in July at 11.35am with the score at buggar-all for 2, that Alf and I, both with magnificent hangovers, were back in the dressing room. He had played all round a straight one from Steve Wright and I had glanced Arthur Gates’ in-swinger to leg-slip. It didn’t seem funny at the time, at least until Wal had left the dressing room.
Brian Reid and Roy Cutler engaged in an increasingly heated discussion as to who had been the best batsman they had bowled to. Roy went for Terry Cordaroy whilst Brian opted for Roger Kingdon. I tried to open up the parameters by suggesting David Hays and Len Stubbs but the evening was progressing and the beers were flowing.
Sadly Roger Kingdon was unable to attend, but John Grimmer was there and Jack Gabb looked more like Russ’ younger brother than I had remembered. Dave Perrin, as erudite as ever, reflected on the future of Shepherds Bush CC. Surely no one club member can have done so much to attempt to secure the future of his club as much as Dave has done.
The other highlight of the afternoon for me was seeing Gary Alcott, Neil Newman and Bob Guarniere from the St Clement Danes 1972/3 soccer side that lost so unluckily in the final of the England Schools Football Cup at Barnet FC.
I left with my host for the night, Jim Conroy, and bade farewell to Russell, who apart from the impact of recent knee surgery, which restricted his movements, was in fine form. I left him perched on a bar stool, G&T in hand, at the bar which he had generously funded all day.
A number of references in this report require clarification and further explanation. Steve is not off the hook yet.
Cutler’s Yips
Everyone seems to enjoy correcting me (I have several hundred pages from the Great Jack Morgan) and the latest to join this band is Steve Thompson. It turns out that he was in pole position twice to witness the extraordinary events surrounding Steve Cutler’s deterioration to the Yips, every bowler’s nightmare.
In G&C5 the Professor recorded Steve Cutler’s confirmation that Major Ronnie Ferguson had organized Dave Richardson (yes, him)’s funeral. I threw in that Roy had developed the Yips in a game against South Hampstead and had never recovered. Now our “Headmaster from the Shires” tells us that he was at the non-strikers end whilst Terry Cordaroy thought Roy was taking the piss out of him. Steve goes on:
“Roy actually continued to bowl with great effect for the rest of that season and it was only when it recurred the following season that he decided to give up. The next time he attempted to bowl was prior to a staff match that I was actually playing in with him, at Enfield Grammar School. He bowled one ball in the nets, which cleared the roofing and the twenty foot high fencing only to narrowly miss a double decker bus going into Enfield Town”.
Steve confirmed this with Roy Cutler at Russ Collins’ sixty-fifth birthday celebrations and so it must be true.
The Olympic Flag
As a batsman its part of life to get a duck from time to time and it irritates at the time but you put it behind you as quickly as possible. In 1969 I was playing a lot of midweek cricket as well as at weekends and in August found that I had scored back-to-back plongers. In my next innings I was looking forward to getting back to some sort of form only to fall again without scoring. At this point others began to notice and it became a topic of piss taking by one’s ever-concerned teammates. Len Stubbs, in particular, found this whole episode hilarious.
On the Saturday I was in rampart bad form and needless to say failed to trouble the scorers for the fourth consecutive innings. On the Sunday we had an all-day game at Shepherds Bush and I arrived in trepidation. By then everyone knew of my potential humiliation. However, Shepherds Bush had always been a good ground for me and I liked the short boundaries. Not just for batting but because if I wasn’t keeping wicket I could, just about, throw from the perimeter on the full.
So I wasn’t unduly worried when I went to the crease in mid-afternoon. Keith Jones formerly of the Poly and a sometime Middlesex player was bowling. I lunged forward and somehow managed to miss the ball with both my bat and front pad. The ball then cunningly rapped me on the back pad in front of the stumps. I trudged back to the pavilion convinced that I would never score another run.
Sorry Skip, not available
The Professor presides over some extraordinary goings-on at WGCCC. He sent me this tale of Everyday Hertfordshire Folk in June:
I thought you might like this update on the James saga.
Our First Team captain had a phone call from Martin at 4 am last Saturday to say the he couldn't play in the game which was due to start at 11.30am, the same day. Why? Well that evening he and his chum Neil MacLaurin had been for an Indian with their respective girl friends. Towards the end of the evening they both proposed marriage; to the women rather than each other – which actually would have made more sense. Both being accepted they decided to do the deed ASAP. Where? Well Las Vegas - obviously. Thus the phone call was from Heathrow, the marriages took place some 15 hours later and everyone was back at work on Monday. I have met the new Mrs. James who everyone, including her, describes as "brave" but have yet to meet the new Mrs. Mac. Our resident journalist wrote up the episode in the Independent. Incidentally, given your interest in these things, you can follow the activities of the underside of WGCCC in the Independent on Sunday; look for "The Nurdler" column each week written by James Fitt. We won the game.
Strange Elevens
Your enthusiasm for Strange Elevens is gaining momentum and we have four in this edition all contributed by different readers.
Dave Banks has selected this Jazz Hat side for you to seek its common denominator:
Brian Bolus (Yorkshire and Nottinghamshire)
Mike Brearley (Middlesex)
Eric Russell (Middlesex)
Brian Close (Yorkshire and Somerset)
Colin Cowdrey (Kent)
Chris Broad (Gloucestershire)
Godfrey Evans (Kent)
Tony Lock (Surrey)
Brian Statham (Lancashire)
Chris Lewis (Leicestershire, Surrey and wherever else)
Jeff Jones (Glamorgan)
Peter Hoare and Nigel Hathaway, both men of Kent, submitted almost identical Kent Overseas XIs to take on the Great Jack Morgan’s Middlesex Overseas XI:
Rahul Dravid (keeper, though he never looks at home doing it)
Carl Hooper
Aravinda de Silva
Steve Waugh (a bit of a cheek as he played so few matches, but captain)
Asif Iqbal
Roy Pienaar (Hoare), Andrew Symonds (Hathaway)
John Shepherd
Eldine Baptiste
Bernard Julien (if they could keep him sober)
Paul Strang
Terry Alderman
The Great Jack Morgan’s verdict is that these two sides are fairly evenly matched but that Middlesex’ fast bowling would win the day.
Nigel has also composed a Kent 'born abroad but we don't count them as overseas players’ XI, which is confined to players from the post 1970 era:
Charles Rowe Hong Kong
Mike Denness Scotland
Bob Woolmer India
Colin Cowdrey India
Stuart Leary South Africa
Jonathan Langley USA
Geraint Jones Papua New Guinea
Min Patel India
Amjad Khan Denmark
Martin McCague Northern Ireland
Julian Thompson South Africa
You can’t keep a good man down or something like that. The Great Jack Morgan has come up with this jazz Hat side that has a very specific common denominator. If you think you’ve got it, reconsider and see if you can refine the answer.
M Stewart Surrey
A Milton Gloucs
S Russell Middx
D Compton Middx
S Leary Kent
S O’Linn Kent
R Tindall Surrey
L Compton Middx
J Standen Worcs
DR Smith Gloucs
E Presland Essex
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket-Number 6
Bowling is about taking wickets and beating the batsman through guile and wit. Silly me, that was in the Good Old days. If you bowled SLA in that era you had a ring of fielders on the off side and tempted the batsman to hit over the top or place his shot so exquisitely that it beat the field. The bowler was rewarded with a wicket or a dot ball, the batsman was rewarded with a four if he beat the field. This all seemed like a good battle and fair rewards for either party.
However, nowadays the perfectly timed square cut that evades the inner ring scores only a single, as does the imperious cover drive that leaves extra cover standing. Why? Because there is a sweeper or two in position. Whoever invented the sweeper should be confined to Long Stop at both ends.
If the score is 685 for 5, then a sweeper may be appropriate, but at anything less than 300 it is a travesty and all bowlers should refuse to bowl until the sweeper is brought up into the ring. How can a serious spinner bowl to sweepers? But then Nass thinks they are a good idea for seamers too - he is long past his sell-by date.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. I have now bundled 1-6 together and will send to anyone who wants them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, who named him the Great Jack Morgan, all about Tour Madness, avail yourself of the definitive guide to the Duckworth Lewis method and discover other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Tel: 01298 70237
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 7
July 2003
After the Gold Rush
When I was a prefect in 1965 and 1966 the Great Jack Morgan’s cousin, Jim Revier, was a rather irritating troublemaker in the second and third forms. However, he later became an amusing and enjoyable companion at the Bloemfontein Road end on Saturday afternoons. I rarely came across him on the cricket field, but did play my last game of proper cricket with him when guesting for Dave Perrin’s Ballbaggians at South Hampstead in 1983. Jim admits to being cyberly challenged but has now discovered how to open an email and has joined the Googlies fraternity. He tells me, unashamedly, that he still purchases all of Neil Young’s offerings.
Steve Thompson has responded at last, but not to these literary masterpieces; instead to the threat of being included in a future Appalling Fielders segment. He has apparently been at Russ Collins 65th birthday celebrations, but surely not for six months? Needless to say Messrs Morgan and Rhoades were not in attendance. Steve has done penance by describing in detail the events that unfolded at this “spectacular” and consequently I will not devote valuable column inches to his high stepping, but no progress, running action…
Phil Matthews has been brilliantly discovered by the Professor through the Academic Freemasonry Network that is just a fog to the rest of us. If you want to contact Phil you will find his email address on the header, but please tread gently – he has been dormant for over thirty years.
Since we are in the depths of the examination season you will get your opportunity to sit A-Level Sport in this issue and we also have Strange Elevens contributed by Nigel Hathaway and Peter Hoare as well as by Dave Banks and the Great Jack Morgan.
The Season-June By the time that you read this Don Wallis will probably be opening the bowling for England, since he has wisely never availed himself of a fitness regime that produces bulging biceps or callisthenic calves but does facilitate progressing from his marker to the wicket without collapsing in a heap. I take my hat off to all those bowlers from the Good Old Days who could manage bowling fifteen overs on Saturday and Sunday unlike their ludicrous successors who wilt at the thought of a three over spell. Come to think of it there are plenty who still haven’t bowled that many this season.
*
The Professor reports that South Hampstead was victorious at Digswell Park in the Evening Standard Trophy. Apparently Welwyn Garden City is going to concentrate on the league this year. Perhaps someone at South Hampstead can keep us apprised of their cup progress.
*
The Pipsqueak Kiwi has been officiating in the West Indies v Sri Lanka One-Day and Test series. In addition to his penchant for flamboyant semaphore he has now added two new idiosyncrasies. When raising his hands either to signal a six or to give a batsman out he curls his index fingers as if he is suffering from chronic arthritis. He has also developed the habit of adopting a supercilious smile when rejecting an appeal. It won’t be long before some wound up bowler decides to wipe it off his face.
*
After moderate success in the Pakistan series the England set up showed what it was really capable of by getting stuffed against all the odds at Trent Bridge against a Zimbabwe side that would struggle in the Minor Counties. The most appalling aspect of this by far was the sight of Ashley Giles missing three critical run-outs by standing in front of the stumps at the bowlers end. Does anyone give these twats any coaching at all?
*
The Australians have employed Mike Young, a baseball coach, to help them take their game to the “next level”. It is reported that skills that will be developed include ambidextrous throwing and switch-hitting. As usual Googlies is ahead of the game with our own ambidextrous thrower, Kevin James, brother of Martin. At some stage we shall also divulge how Bob Cozens was the original switch-hitter.
*
The Professor reports that in June he “went to see our Firsts play Chorleywood. I’ve not been there before – I think they are newly promoted to our league. It’s a very “traditional” ground – church in the corner, pub over the road, not very good wicket. However, 300 yards down the road is a school called St Clement Danes. I’d never visited the “new” location so I drove into the car park. It being a Saturday, all was locked up but it is a very impressive site. The buildings, self evidently, are modern but look in good nick and the grounds are extensive and look very well maintained –from which I assume that Paddy Grogan was not retained for this task. Right in front of the main entrance is a brick plinth on which they have mounted the old stone lintel from the door case of the DuCane road building with the “Holborn Estate Grammar School” inscription. I must say that from this cursory inspection the impression was very good.
*
If you are a betting man or woman you might like to join in the G&C sweepstake on the size of Shane Hamburger Warne’s girth at the conclusion of his one-year ban for drug offences. Since he is unlikely to pop any more of his mum’s slimming pills and he is likely to spend much of his exile at MacDonalds we can probably expect the roly-poly version of the late nineties. Arthur Gates will relieve you of any excess folding material you wish to wager.
The South Hampstead Wednesday XI – 1968
The South Hampstead Wednesday XI of 1968 had changed significantly from that of 1964 described in an earlier edition. Jim Franklin had succeeded Jack Wilson as captain and he had, in turn, handed over the reins to Peter Huntley, who fielded in plimsoles and didn’t like dogs.
Don Wallis had improbably decided to use up valuable holiday time and he became Peter’s vice captain. Dick Simpson made the odd appearance but more importantly donated Ossie Burton to the team. Harry Bayliss, a cab driver, who played his first game of cricket at the age of forty, had become a member under the “new pavilion slackening of membership requirements”. Another cabbie, Jack Singman, who played at the weekend, also forwent his Wednesday afternoon fares. A typical side in 1968 would be:
Jack Singman
Jim Sharp
Ron Impey
Peter Huntley
Harry Bayliss
Peter Barclay
Graham Sharp
Jeremy Hall
Ossie Burton
Don Wallis
Jim Franklin
Rhys Axworthy was still usually the Umpire
Opening the batting with Jack Singman was one of the strangest cricketing experiences I ever had. The South Hampstead wicket was flat and true but generally slow. Jack would always wear a selection of sweaters knitted by his girlfriend Pat, topped by an enormous white cardigan. He would take strike in a very square on style, as made fashionable by Ken Barrington, and presented the new ball bowler with what can only be described as a wide grin. If this incongruous sight were not enough to put the bowler off it paled into insignificance with what followed.
For a couple of overs Jack would play in a fairly normal defensive manner to get his eye in. He would then start to swing through the ball almost regardless of length or line. The extraordinary thing was that these seemingly agricultural swats invariably went along the ground through the mid-on mid –off V. At the weekend I don’t think that Jack ever played for the first eleven but at the lower levels on good wickets he could be devastating and certainly scored a stack of runs on Wednesdays. And all the time he kept grinning.
Harry Bayliss brought a new dimension to the post match entertainment, as he was an accomplished magician and a member of the Magic Circle. He would either bemuse individually at the bar with cups and sponges or get involved in more elaborate hoaxes using stooges, such as Rhys and Jimmy Franklin. In the course of a long-winded card trick they would call across the bar to Rhys and ask him to think of a card. Hours later when the trick unfolded and Rhys was hailed he could be relied upon, as he always did, to give up the four of spades.
Getting home after a full session was a hazardous business and I recall one occasion when half way home in the back of Jim Franklin’s Vauxhall Estate George could take Jim’s driving on the right hand side of the road no longer and asked that we be let out to walk the rest of the way home.
Examination Time
Googlies has secured a copy of this summer’s Joint Matriculation Board’s A-Level Paper in Sport. All readers are required to sit this examination.
Three hours are allowed for completion of the examination
Write on one side of the page only
Question 1 must be answered together with two questions from each of sections A and B
1. “England’s fast bowlers should be paid by the balls bowled. This would solve their fitness problems overnight.” Discuss without reference to Horse Oils or liniment.
Section A
2. Mark Butcher can’t get in the Surrey First XI as a batsman, but is a first choice batsman and bowler in the England side. Discuss.
3. Rikki Clarke can’t get into the Surrey First XI but is a first choice in the England one-day set-up. Discuss.
4. “Naomi Campbell is more deserving of the OBE than David Beckham”. Explain why you agree with this, with particular reference to economic factors.
5. What number links the following men: Bobby Cameron, Tesi Balogan, George Whitelaw, Bernard Evans and Les Allen?
6. “Having the right hairstyle is critical to peak performance in sport”. Explain why this is both true and false.
7. Explain the connection between the following and why they have all been pursued by the New York Yankees: Ian Meckiff, Charlie Griffith, Murilatharan and Jermaine Lawson?
8. “Identification with National sporting sides leads to world instability and therefore should be discouraged.”
“National sporting sides should never be subsidiary to club sides.”
Compare and contrast these two statements
Section B
- In a recent international match Sven Goran Erickson sent all nineteen qualified fit Englishmen onto the pitch against a country that used to be part of Yugoslavia. Explain in florid prose why this debases the awarding of caps, makes the game unwatchable and serves no useful purpose.
- “Everyone over the age of fifty should be euthanised. They cannot play any more, cannot remember anything and just talk bollocks.”
- “Arsenal has done much to improve race relations and tolerance of the French by their employment policies. Is this a good thing?” Respond giving both political and sociological arguments.
- "As the national sport it is only right that football should be seen on prime time TV twelve months of the year"
Compare and contrast these two statements with particular reference to armchair flatulence.
- “The Twenty 20 game is great. It has reduced the marathon known as cricket to a three-hour game. Why not go to Ten 10 next?” Comment on this female perspective.
- “Tennis is just like snooker-people only get interested in it when it is played at Wimbledon or the Crucible. What’s worse is that 90% of the audience has never seen either game played live.” Place your vote by pressing the red button on your remote control.
- “No-one had heard of Namibia before the World Cup. Now everyone has heard of it but still no-one knows where it is.” Consider sport as an educational tool in the light of this statement.
- “If darts is culture then cricket must be religion.” Don’t waste time on this nonsense.
Candidates achieving pass marks will be given complimentary season tickets
Project Salvation The Great jack Morgan continues our debate on the problems of the structure of the English game
Some of the Professor’s points are sensible, but it is hard to agree with his conclusions. He knows little about county cricket and is interested in saving club cricket (as we all want to), but that is a different objective and this is not the time for the ECB to start backing a different horse.
Many millions have been pumped into the county academies and the national academy at Loughborough. These must be given a good chance to succeed and this could be ten years. U-19 and County Board XIs are now being abolished and the replacement U-21 team will play only one-day stuff, so the only place for academy graduates to demonstrate their skills will be the county second elevens, even though this will mean even more players appearing at second team level. Gone are the days, albeit only three years ago, when Ian Gould would field very strong 2nd XIs and set out to win the championship. He succeeded in doing two years running, produced most of the current Middlesex first team and was sacked for his trouble.
As with many professional football clubs, second teams are now packed with colts and triallists but only a sprinkling of experienced players to maintain the quality. Consequently, 2s cricket is not so enjoyable to watch as it was in Gunner’s day, but we will have to wait to see if the new policy of looking at vast quantities of players is successful in unearthing more gems for the first team. I do not think we will ever produce players as consistently good as the Aussies. This will not be the fault of the academies, but will be the fault of our culture. In Australia, they like to get outside in the sun and play cricket; here we like to sit on our fat arses and watch footy on the box all year: it’s sickening.
I suppose we all like to see youngsters given their chance in the Test team (as long as they are good enough), but I do not want to see a bunch of youngsters all thrown in together. I believe young players should be phased in alongside experienced guys. How “Australian” is it to go for youngsters? Take a look at the average age of their team; they are not discarding their best players because another world cup occurs in four years’ time.... it’s only one-day crap after all. Unfortunately, I believe that very few of our young prospects are good enough at present and that we should therefore be very careful about discarding (too soon) the few players we have who are good enough. It’s depressing, but realistic. I have not seen Mr. Shafayat and I don’t suppose you have either. I’m sure he is a good player and I hope he will be a great one, but it is unwise to take too much notice of form in U-19 matches. I will be surprised if he “gets a chance this season”.
More Balls
The Professor expressed his surprise that I had not indulged in a diatribe on the phenomena referred to as “reverse swing”. I countered by challenging him to get the ball rolling, as it were
As I recall, this was a technique devised by Imran and his chums to make the ball swing back in very late - often at toe-crushing length. The ball was held like a conventional away swinger (shiny side in) and the left hand side of the ball scuffed up by use of a bottle top or some other convenient implement. Seemingly the ball would behave like an out swinger for most of its flight, just ducking in at the last minute. Quite why this happened no one seemed to know. Nor is it immediately clear how all this was observable in a projectile moving at 90 mph over a distance of about 18 yards. Indeed no one has quite worked out why a cricket ball swings anyway - why some swing more than others - why the weather has an effect, etc.
We had a research project here at the University some years ago with some aeronautical engineers using the wind tunnel to try to find out (OK I know, but its more interesting than most academic research). They concluded that it was the seam that was most important together with the fact that each ball has a fractionally different centre of gravity. The seams are also, of course, fractionally different in each ball - especially the better quality "hand stitched" ones.
My point however is that "reverse" has now taken the phrase "in swing" out of the lexicon. In the same way that a ball "jags" off the pitch any ball that moves in the air towards the bat is "reversing". Some of the great medium pace bowlers of the past "jagged" and "reversed" without knowing it. Incidentally, what ever happened to the medium pacer? Presumably covered wickets saw them off.
Neither the Professor nor I were bowlers, but if he is right then it would suggest that all the crap bowlers talk is just that – shit. If you need the shine on the outside to bowl an in-swinger but the shine on the inside to bowl a reverse swinger, then clearly no one knows what they are talking about. Sometimes the ball swings and sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe the colour of the bowler’s jock strap holds the key.
Russ Collins’ Sixty-Fifth Birthday Bash
Steve Thompson, who is still a forty-somethinger, sends this clandestine report on Russ’ graduation party
I arrived slightly late at this event of the season, whose guest list defined the in and the out crowd for the last thirty years; but I consoled myself that I had not only received an invite but had almost certainly traveled further than anyone else to be there, coming as I had from the West Wales Coast near Cardigan, where I had cut short a holiday under canvas.
Dress was prescribed as casual and I thought that I had done well to arrive in a relatively uncreased sand-coloured corduroy suit. However, I had failed to take into account the prevailing sense of humour of those who congregate at such functions. Micky Dunn greeted me by asking if I had become an artist, whilst Roy Cutler referred to me as “Daktari” for the rest of the day.
Everyone was talking about Peter Ray, the Wembley Wordsmith, who was in attendance, and had recently failed the Umpires Exam, which would have allowed him to officiate in the Premiership (this is now the first of three divisions in the Middlesex League). Nevertheless, he had made an unqualified debut the previous Saturday in a 1st XI fixture between Stanmore and Eastcote and had distinguished himself by giving eight LBW decisions in the match. Later in the proceedings he described to Alf Langley and me the validity of each decision with the same degree of relish and quantity of expletive as he would have if he had taken all eight wickets himself.
Big Alf Langley was in fine form and whilst his sobriquet is no longer adequate for his enormous size, his wonderful warmth and charm have assumed an almost statesman like quality. It is hard to believe that he is into his second half century and it is more than thirty years ago that as young impressionables we first incurred the wrath of Don Wallis at South Hampstead. It was at Milverton Road on a Sunday in July at 11.35am with the score at buggar-all for 2, that Alf and I, both with magnificent hangovers, were back in the dressing room. He had played all round a straight one from Steve Wright and I had glanced Arthur Gates’ in-swinger to leg-slip. It didn’t seem funny at the time, at least until Wal had left the dressing room.
Brian Reid and Roy Cutler engaged in an increasingly heated discussion as to who had been the best batsman they had bowled to. Roy went for Terry Cordaroy whilst Brian opted for Roger Kingdon. I tried to open up the parameters by suggesting David Hays and Len Stubbs but the evening was progressing and the beers were flowing.
Sadly Roger Kingdon was unable to attend, but John Grimmer was there and Jack Gabb looked more like Russ’ younger brother than I had remembered. Dave Perrin, as erudite as ever, reflected on the future of Shepherds Bush CC. Surely no one club member can have done so much to attempt to secure the future of his club as much as Dave has done.
The other highlight of the afternoon for me was seeing Gary Alcott, Neil Newman and Bob Guarniere from the St Clement Danes 1972/3 soccer side that lost so unluckily in the final of the England Schools Football Cup at Barnet FC.
I left with my host for the night, Jim Conroy, and bade farewell to Russell, who apart from the impact of recent knee surgery, which restricted his movements, was in fine form. I left him perched on a bar stool, G&T in hand, at the bar which he had generously funded all day.
A number of references in this report require clarification and further explanation. Steve is not off the hook yet.
Cutler’s Yips
Everyone seems to enjoy correcting me (I have several hundred pages from the Great Jack Morgan) and the latest to join this band is Steve Thompson. It turns out that he was in pole position twice to witness the extraordinary events surrounding Steve Cutler’s deterioration to the Yips, every bowler’s nightmare.
In G&C5 the Professor recorded Steve Cutler’s confirmation that Major Ronnie Ferguson had organized Dave Richardson (yes, him)’s funeral. I threw in that Roy had developed the Yips in a game against South Hampstead and had never recovered. Now our “Headmaster from the Shires” tells us that he was at the non-strikers end whilst Terry Cordaroy thought Roy was taking the piss out of him. Steve goes on:
“Roy actually continued to bowl with great effect for the rest of that season and it was only when it recurred the following season that he decided to give up. The next time he attempted to bowl was prior to a staff match that I was actually playing in with him, at Enfield Grammar School. He bowled one ball in the nets, which cleared the roofing and the twenty foot high fencing only to narrowly miss a double decker bus going into Enfield Town”.
Steve confirmed this with Roy Cutler at Russ Collins’ sixty-fifth birthday celebrations and so it must be true.
The Olympic Flag
As a batsman its part of life to get a duck from time to time and it irritates at the time but you put it behind you as quickly as possible. In 1969 I was playing a lot of midweek cricket as well as at weekends and in August found that I had scored back-to-back plongers. In my next innings I was looking forward to getting back to some sort of form only to fall again without scoring. At this point others began to notice and it became a topic of piss taking by one’s ever-concerned teammates. Len Stubbs, in particular, found this whole episode hilarious.
On the Saturday I was in rampart bad form and needless to say failed to trouble the scorers for the fourth consecutive innings. On the Sunday we had an all-day game at Shepherds Bush and I arrived in trepidation. By then everyone knew of my potential humiliation. However, Shepherds Bush had always been a good ground for me and I liked the short boundaries. Not just for batting but because if I wasn’t keeping wicket I could, just about, throw from the perimeter on the full.
So I wasn’t unduly worried when I went to the crease in mid-afternoon. Keith Jones formerly of the Poly and a sometime Middlesex player was bowling. I lunged forward and somehow managed to miss the ball with both my bat and front pad. The ball then cunningly rapped me on the back pad in front of the stumps. I trudged back to the pavilion convinced that I would never score another run.
Sorry Skip, not available
The Professor presides over some extraordinary goings-on at WGCCC. He sent me this tale of Everyday Hertfordshire Folk in June:
I thought you might like this update on the James saga.
Our First Team captain had a phone call from Martin at 4 am last Saturday to say the he couldn't play in the game which was due to start at 11.30am, the same day. Why? Well that evening he and his chum Neil MacLaurin had been for an Indian with their respective girl friends. Towards the end of the evening they both proposed marriage; to the women rather than each other – which actually would have made more sense. Both being accepted they decided to do the deed ASAP. Where? Well Las Vegas - obviously. Thus the phone call was from Heathrow, the marriages took place some 15 hours later and everyone was back at work on Monday. I have met the new Mrs. James who everyone, including her, describes as "brave" but have yet to meet the new Mrs. Mac. Our resident journalist wrote up the episode in the Independent. Incidentally, given your interest in these things, you can follow the activities of the underside of WGCCC in the Independent on Sunday; look for "The Nurdler" column each week written by James Fitt. We won the game.
Strange Elevens
Your enthusiasm for Strange Elevens is gaining momentum and we have four in this edition all contributed by different readers.
Dave Banks has selected this Jazz Hat side for you to seek its common denominator:
Brian Bolus (Yorkshire and Nottinghamshire)
Mike Brearley (Middlesex)
Eric Russell (Middlesex)
Brian Close (Yorkshire and Somerset)
Colin Cowdrey (Kent)
Chris Broad (Gloucestershire)
Godfrey Evans (Kent)
Tony Lock (Surrey)
Brian Statham (Lancashire)
Chris Lewis (Leicestershire, Surrey and wherever else)
Jeff Jones (Glamorgan)
Peter Hoare and Nigel Hathaway, both men of Kent, submitted almost identical Kent Overseas XIs to take on the Great Jack Morgan’s Middlesex Overseas XI:
Rahul Dravid (keeper, though he never looks at home doing it)
Carl Hooper
Aravinda de Silva
Steve Waugh (a bit of a cheek as he played so few matches, but captain)
Asif Iqbal
Roy Pienaar (Hoare), Andrew Symonds (Hathaway)
John Shepherd
Eldine Baptiste
Bernard Julien (if they could keep him sober)
Paul Strang
Terry Alderman
The Great Jack Morgan’s verdict is that these two sides are fairly evenly matched but that Middlesex’ fast bowling would win the day.
Nigel has also composed a Kent 'born abroad but we don't count them as overseas players’ XI, which is confined to players from the post 1970 era:
Charles Rowe Hong Kong
Mike Denness Scotland
Bob Woolmer India
Colin Cowdrey India
Stuart Leary South Africa
Jonathan Langley USA
Geraint Jones Papua New Guinea
Min Patel India
Amjad Khan Denmark
Martin McCague Northern Ireland
Julian Thompson South Africa
You can’t keep a good man down or something like that. The Great Jack Morgan has come up with this jazz Hat side that has a very specific common denominator. If you think you’ve got it, reconsider and see if you can refine the answer.
M Stewart Surrey
A Milton Gloucs
S Russell Middx
D Compton Middx
S Leary Kent
S O’Linn Kent
R Tindall Surrey
L Compton Middx
J Standen Worcs
DR Smith Gloucs
E Presland Essex
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket-Number 6
Bowling is about taking wickets and beating the batsman through guile and wit. Silly me, that was in the Good Old days. If you bowled SLA in that era you had a ring of fielders on the off side and tempted the batsman to hit over the top or place his shot so exquisitely that it beat the field. The bowler was rewarded with a wicket or a dot ball, the batsman was rewarded with a four if he beat the field. This all seemed like a good battle and fair rewards for either party.
However, nowadays the perfectly timed square cut that evades the inner ring scores only a single, as does the imperious cover drive that leaves extra cover standing. Why? Because there is a sweeper or two in position. Whoever invented the sweeper should be confined to Long Stop at both ends.
If the score is 685 for 5, then a sweeper may be appropriate, but at anything less than 300 it is a travesty and all bowlers should refuse to bowl until the sweeper is brought up into the ring. How can a serious spinner bowl to sweepers? But then Nass thinks they are a good idea for seamers too - he is long past his sell-by date.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. I have now bundled 1-6 together and will send to anyone who wants them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, who named him the Great Jack Morgan, all about Tour Madness, avail yourself of the definitive guide to the Duckworth Lewis method and discover other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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