GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 48
December 2006
Ashes Matters Before the horrors of Brisbane Dick Crawshay sent me this report on England’s early skirmishes in Australia
“I have just returned from a day at the SCG watching the ‘match’ between New South Wales and the touring English team. I say ‘match’ advisedly as it was really only a staged practice game. England asked the NSW team if they could have a 14 player a side match- fielding 11. NSW acquiesced, so it was no longer a first class fixture, the runs/ wickets did not count towards a player’s averages, but it did give England a chance to field extra players for match practice.
I think that whilst there are good reasons for such an arrangement, it defeats the purpose, as it is no longer a competitive clash. It is more important to organize a competitive lead up for the visitors for the first test- and that hasn’t happened. They arrived eight days ago- had a one day match in a small oval against the Prime Minister’s eleven- a sort of carnival atmosphere, then a practice three day game in Sydney. They have a further match at state level against Queensland before facing Australia in the first test next week. Woefully inadequate preparation, with no favours being done by turning today’s event into a practice session.
But more important, what were my first impressions? Underdone. I saw an hour of England bowling at mediocre batting down the order, including a quick but wayward Harmison, followed by two opening batsmen who were unable to see or time the ball on a friendly strip. McGrath opened the bowling and looked 20mph quicker when bowling against Trescothick, who was rushed at every stroke before he got out.
Lee was far too quick for both of them, and it took an age before Strauss assumed any authority. Cook looked better, Bell went quickly and Peterson looked decidedly uncomfortable for a while until he took hold of Henriques. This series is in danger of a whitewash. I think that it is highly unlikely that England will get match fit by next week, and if they lose the first test by a wide margin- as seems a distinct possibility, they will not recover. But don’t blame the players. Blame the managers for not ensuring a proper lead up or space between the tests to re- group. I hope I’m wrong, but fear I’m right.”
We now all know that he was right. The England camp is saying that they can come back as they did in 2005. But it will be harder because it is taking place in Australia and the side is not settled. It was no surprise to some of us that Monty was left out in Brisbane and I suspect that Fletch doesn’t want to play him at Adelaide. In fact he doesn’t want to play any spinners at all. His strategy is four quicks putting incessant pressure on the opposition backed up by a spinner who bowls a few overs of negative medium pace. The “who bats at number eight” is a relevant but separate issue. Plunkett is probably the heir to this role if he was fit and fast enough.
Banger’s absence is having a bad impact on Strauss who seems to feel that it is incumbent upon him now to hook at everything. But over the coming weeks he may be missed even more in the field. England clearly have not decided who is going to be their prime slip fielder in this series. At Brisbane I noted Strauss, Collingwood and Flintoff occupying this role and this bodes badly for when the edge is found in future tests. When Flintoff placed himself there in the second innings he spilled a fairly straightforward one off Langer. Nobody seemed surprised.
If you want some good news then Ponting’s decision not to enforce the follow on ensured that the match went into the fifth day. This means that it will almost certainly take Australia more than the eleven days it took them to win the Ashes last time. Incidentally, there is rumour that Peg Leg will be fit for Melbourne. If he is where will he bat and who will be left out? I would like to see him opening but perhaps he has been practicing his off spin in the nets and will solve the number eight conundrum.
Magical Moments of 2006
Here is a personal selection
1. The One Day International at the Wanderers in which the Australians were beaten by South Africa after scoring a record 434 for 4 themselves. Ponting scored 164 from 105 balls including nine sixes for Australia and in theory the Proteas didn’t stand a chance. Graham Smith got them off to a flyer with 90 from 54 balls and Herschelle Gibbs made a spectacular 175 including seven sixes from 111 balls. Extraordinarily, throughout their historic chase they were ahead of the required rate. Records were broken in all aspects of the game including Mick Lewis conceding the most, 111, from ten overs in a ODI.
2. Steve Harmison’s took 6 for 19 at Old Trafford against the Pakistanis. This was raw, aggressive and accurate fast bowling at its best and most terrifying. The wicket was fast and hard which helped him but he maintained an uncharacteristic, unrelenting accuracy. This was brown your pants bowling reminiscent of the best West Indians.
3. Murali’s 8 for 70 at Trent Bridge to square the series for Sri Lanka. This was one of the greatest spells of spin bowling ever seen. He had his doozra working and none of the England batsmen could read it. England slumped from 84 for 0 to 132 for 7 with Murali taking all the wickets. He seemed likely to get all ten until Hoggard was run out and then Jayasuriya dismissed Panesar. England were humbled in their first home series after winning the Ashes. This was bowling of the highest order.
4. Darren Lehmann’s final innings for Yorkshire, in which he signed off after seven seasons with 339. It was the highest score at Headingley beating Bradman’s 334. Lehman had earlier been selected in Yorkshire best ever all time side ahead of amongst others, Geoff Boycott. It already seems odd that this great player had so few games for his country. Had he been English he would have had fifteen years of international cricket and, no doubt, be ranked with the very best ever. Lehmann amassed 8,693 runs for Yorkshire at 67.91, a higher average for the county than Geoffrey Boycott (57.85), Len Hutton (53.34) and Herbert Sutcliffe (50.20).
5. Tharanga and Jayasuriya’s flaying of the England attack at Headingley in the fifth ODI. England had scored an apparently respectable 321 in their innings but Sri Lanka knocked them off with twelve overs to spare. They reached 50 from 3.4 overs, 100 from 8 overs and 200 from 21 overs. Both batsmen scored hundreds and their opening partnership of 286 was a record in ODIs. This was a massacre and for most of the chase they were ahead of the rate to beat the scores in the Wanderers game.
6. Jayawardene and Sangakarra created a new test record partnership of 624 against South Africa. On this occasion Tharanga and Jayasuriya had both been dismissed cheaply and the pair started at 14 for 2. When Sangakarra was out for 287 the score had reached 638. Jayawardene continued until the declaration came at 756 for 5, when he was dismissed for 374. The South African bowling attack included Steyn, Ntini, Nel, Hall and Boje.
7. In the Pro40 match at Old Trafford in August Middlesex bowled Lancashire out in twelve overs for their only win in this competition. Middlesex had scored a gettable 234 from their forty overs but after a two hours rain delay Duckworth Lewis allotted Lancashire twelve overs to get 86. They would normally expect to stroll this but succumbed to some kamikaze batting and some surprisingly applied Middlesex bowling. Has any side ever been dismissed in fewer overs?
8. Boddepalli Manoj Kumar and Mohammad Shaibaaz Tumbi added 721 and created a new record in all cricket. The previous record had been established in February 1988, when Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli added 664 for Shardashram Vidyamandir School in a Harris Shield match against St Xavier’s. But where Shardashram needed 120 overs to amass 748 for two, Tumbi and Kumar, the openers, needed only 40 overs to wallop an unbeaten 721. They were aided by some incredibly wayward bowling, with the St Phillip High School boys sending down 57 wides and three no-balls. Even more astonishing was the fact that they got to such a mammoth score without a single six being hit at the large Parade Ground in Secunderabad.
I asked the Professor whether he had any special moments to add. He replied:
“I think, since we were there, that I would have to have the win in Mumbai down as a personal highlight. The heat and the filth notwithstanding, it is wonderful to be in a country where everybody, without exception, is mad on cricket. When we got back to our hotel at the end of the game, all the hotel staff applauded...and we'd only been watching.
The on-field moment must be Monty Panesar at last catching Dhoni having let an identical slog drop to the ground next to him.
The off-field moment was the look on the face of a very pleasant Indian spectator sitting next to us in the stand. Above the deafening racket greeting the new batsman he politely, but incredulously, answered the mischievous question of one of our group ("Who is this coming into bat?") with the information that it was Sachin Tendulkar. He could not however cope with the follow-up..."Is he any good?"”
Ten things you don’t want for Christmas
1. I don’t want a gloating card from my brother-in-law about the way the ashes are going
2. Humorous socks or underpants
3. Old Spice
4. Tickets for the Sound of Music
5. Baileys or any other liqueur.
International Come One Club and so on
I sent this to the Great Jack Morgan: “Yardy turns out to be an awful fielder. Did we know that? He can’t catch and, maybe even worse for the modern game, can’t throw. He has become the new Lardarse. Will Lardy get back in the reckoning? He used to seem to be pretty much a fixture in the OD side, without ever doing that much to justify it with his negative lobs being more effective that his Taunton slogging which I believe only once got him past fifty. Incidentally, in India Yardy bowled faster than Collingwood, who was only used as a bowler as an afterthought, which is all a bit odd since the wickets were slow. After his first economical spell against India, Yardy was sorted out by the WIs and the Aussies.”
He replied: Whenever I have seen Yardy, he has always fielded at slip, where he seems to do OK (as does Owais, of course). I don’t think I have ever seen him sliding around in the outfield. As a lad, he was rather a chunky, ungainly sort of chap (when I first saw him in Sussex 2s, he was batting 9 or 10 and bowling quickish left arm over); since then he has got fitter, but it doesn’t sound as if it has done anything for his agility. As Yardy didn’t impress in India, Lardarse may well have a chance of getting his place back, especially if Yardy is no better in the field. As you know, I would have given Lardarse more chances up the order: he has terrific potential and it’s hard to do well in one-dayers from 8 or 9.
Cheating Matters
Since the Pakistan Oval fiasco I have been pondering cheating in the game. I have been discussing cheating with a number of my correspondents. Eric Tracey sent me the following article by Richard Boock:
“If anyone needed convincing that the spirit of cricket was already dead in the water, they only had to witness Dwayne Bravo's hero-to-villain transformation yesterday morning. Having just scored a century against England in the penultimate pool game of the Champions Trophy, the West Indian then blotted his copybook by claiming - and receiving the benefit of the doubt for - an outfield catch that never was.
Some things you simply don't do in cricket - and faking catches has always been one of the mortal sins; the sort of thing that cuts to the basic values of the game and asks pertinent questions about one's honesty. People who have played cricket to any level will tell you that it's impossible not to know that you've scooped up a ball on the half-volley as Bravo did yesterday, rather than catching it cleanly above the turf.
Those who have attempted to disguise such details - like Australian wicketkeeper Greg "the Liar" Dyer, have usually lived with tarnished reputations for the rest of their careers, and it will certainly take a long time to forget Bravo's effort. It happened at the start of the 38th over of England's chase, when Bravo ran in from long-off to attempt a catch off the bat of Michael Yardy. Television replays showed he wasn't only unsuccessful, but that he would have almost certainly known he was.
Rather than inform the umpires of the situation or immediately signal that he didn't affect the catch, the talented all-rounder shyly rolled the ball away and within seconds was accepting the congratulations of his skipper Brian Lara. In a tournament that, ironically, had been dedicated to the spirit of cricket, Bravo's duplicity instead represented a victory for the cowards and swindlers of this world and deserved, at least, a dressing down from the match referee. It's true; it could be asked why Yardy effectively walked rather than staying on the field and pushing the envelope, and why umpire Simon Taufel didn't immediately head upstairs for verification. But that's not really the point.
Born of a time when most decisions depended on honesty rather than television replays, the principle surrounding dodgy catches has always been simple and straightforward: inform the umpire when you're unsure. To say nothing and let the batsman perish, as Bravo did, is blatant cheating. As for Lara's involvement, it just added up to another unseemly contribution from a man who has given the West Indies plenty of runs over the years, but absolutely nothing in the way of integrity or character. Lara could have, should have, checked with Bravo to ensure that all was well with the catch, but instead appeared to be one of the main influences in letting Yardy depart.
It's about time someone reminded Lara of the opening clause in the Code of Conduct, which holds captains responsible for ensuring their teams play within not only the rules of the game, but also the spirit of it. If Lara really believes he's bigger than that, and it would be no surprise to learn he does, then it's clearly time for the rest of the cricketing world to take heed and treat him accordingly. On the strength of yesterday's effort, his word stands for nothing, and neither does his name.”
Well-said, Mr Boock. We have previously touched on Lara’s prevailing self-interest. But let us turn to punishments. The most ridiculous aspect of the Hair affair is that the punishment for tampering with the ball turns out to be just five runs. So here is an attempt to produce some more appropriate punishments
Why is shining the ball apparently OK when picking the seam is frowned upon. Both are attempts to return the ball to its original condition. If the condition of the ball is going to take such a prominent role in the proceedings presumably the umpires will have to inspect it at the end of each over? If you are not allowed to tamper with it in any way then it will deteriorate quicker and the new ball will have to be eligible earlier. And what is the penalty going to be? A five runs penalty is absurd and the fielding side may think that it is worthwhile to change the ball’s condition and/or get it changed. Presumably the bowlers currently bowling are the ones who would benefit and so they should both be banned from bowling for the rest of the innings.
To run one short is an attempt to cheat the fielding side and is a misnomer since both of the runs are by definition short if the batsman does not make his ground. The penalty here is easy and neither run should count.
Slow over rates. These are used to reduce the duration of the match, which gives the other side less time to force a win. No side should be allowed a new ball if they are behind the prescribed over rate for the innings. They should also have runs deducted from their score in proportion to the rate at which they have failed to bowl their overs. For example a side is due to bowl 100 overs but only bowls 90 then its own runs are reduced by 10% whether already scored or due in the next innings. That should move things along more quickly.
Batsmen who don’t walk. These should be banned from the rest of the match. They are already out in their current innings and should not field or bat for the rest of the match. In KP’s case he should be banned from the next match as well.
Eric Tracey suggested some further penalties:
For not walking when obviously caught – depending on attitude and demeanour, having to bat a certain number of innings without any footwear.
For claiming the ball hit the pad when clearly caught off the bat – having to bat a certain number of innings without pads.
For throwing when meant to be bowling – having to bowl with the other arm for a certain number of innings.
For excessive absurd appealing – having to play a certain number of innings wearing a mask over the mouth except in Pakistan and other Muslim countries where the player’s tongue could be removed.
For ball tampering – having to spend a certain number of weeks in Pakistan to learn how not to get caught again.
For ball tampering in Pakistan – removal of the hand.
I suspect “spending a certain number of weeks in the company of Geoffrey Boycott, Daryl Hair or other nominated persons” should also feature as a punishment on a list like this.
Any further suggestions will be gratefully received.
Alan Richardson Matters
In last month’s edition I reported that Bob Peach had informed me that the Bush had pulled a flunkey by playing Alan Richardson as a Ringer in their match against South Hampstead in the summer. No sooner had a pushed the Send button than the corrections started flooding in. First out of the blocks was Bob Baxter:
“Just to put the record straight Richardson was registered by Shepherd's Bush. Stanmore should have registered him the season before but as they failed to do so (they presumed he would not ever be available) one of Alan's mates, who plays for the Bush, managed to persuade him to play for them. Peachy only got half the story...no change there.”
And then I heard from Ian Rocker Robinson:
“Alan Richardson was a properly registered player having signed the ECB registration forms some six weeks prior to the game. Were he not, the Bush would have been up before the MCCL head beaks and would no doubt have been deducted league points very quickly.”
Shepherds Bush Matters
Ollie Gibbs gave me details of a Shepherds Bush tour to Antigua in November but they were too late to include in the last edition. I have asked him to send us a report of the goings on, on and off the field, for future publication.
Ian Robinson sent me these notes:
“The inaugural Bush dinner in the new clubhouse is due to take place on its traditional date of the first Saturday in December. Tickets £30 from various people including Timmy Howard. Rod Woolley is to speak. Fund raising is underway for a state of the art electronic scoreboard to be operational for the start of next season. All donations welcome.”
Middlesex Matters
Middlesex supporters will be aware that Ben Hutton resigned as captain at the end of last season and with his stand in Styris not being re-engaged for next year there is a vacancy. There were whisperings of Spearman coming to fill that role and even of Jayasuriya being engaged to do the job, although with Vaas and Kartik already signed up we have our full quota of foreigners to go with our own South Africans. In the event the club has belatedly appointed Ed Smith who was available all along to take up the position. This is an extraordinary example of thinking within the box when what was needed was the vision and courage to step outside it.
Amongst the cognoscenti there was a growing groundswell of support for the idea that they should have asked the Great Jack Morgan to come out of retirement and lead the side in 2007. He would have been reluctant to do so because of a recurring tennis elbow injury but Middlesex never let injuries interfere with selection and regularly pick Keegan and Nash in their sides. What other qualities does our man have? Well he has never played first class cricket but these days players go straight into the test side without doing so and so that should not be held against him. He does know his way to all the grounds and has got his own car. The Club Treasurer, Geoff Norris, would have been pleased to make savings in this department.
Our man goes to most of the games anyway and so it would not have reduced the number of spectators at the matches. He is a life member of the club and so they would not have lost any ground admission fees by changing his status. In fact, when Middlesex are batting he could have sat in his favourite spot on the ground and directed operations from there. He rather unfashionably wears his hair long but could have borrowed one of Chad Keegan’s discarded Alice bands in the changing room and he would have presented a noble figurehead with it rakishly holding his blond locks in place.
In fact it is hard to come up with any reason why Middlesex did not proceed with this appointment. Our man is one of forthright views and strict principles and this would have been more than adequate to stand up to Darrell Hair when he is umpiring second division matches next season.
Penguin Prattle
Peter Ray is not looking forward to the return of Gilo. He sent me this:
“In your edition no. 47, you refer to the possible return into harness - the correct phraseology for him, since he has never been anything other than a carthorse - of the appalling Gilo, about whom I have a bit of a thing. Well, a king-size thing, to be honest.
It is my firm opinion that, despite all the loyal commendations that come from his England team-mates who sometimes strike me more as Mafiosi rather than proper England cricketers - I am seeing in my mind's eye people like Cyril Washbrook, dapper and elegant in a blazer, and then getting a picture of the bizarre hairstyles of the Voortrekker Pietersen, not to mention his bloody ear-ring; I saw him the other day totally discomfited by a ball splendidly directed up his nose immediately before being dismissed to a catch by Gilchrist and thought to myself that he had better get used to sniffing leather instead of other substances he may well be into, because there is plenty more where those came from - where was I? Ah, yes, it is my firm opinion that he will never be able to bowl slow left arm while he has a hole in his ear.
In The Times a couple of days back, there was an extraordinary picture of Gilo, obviously meant to inspire and cheer us. It did little for me except to confirm my deeply held belief. There was Gilo, his left arm having travelled across his body in the follow through - OK so far - but he was standing on his left foot and the right foot was dangling about in front of him in the vicinity of the popping crease, about six inches off the ground. Had he forgotten, through playing no cricket, that to bowl left arm spin, it is necessary to pivot on a straight right leg and that, in the follow through position, the centrifugal force generated by a proper pivot would send his left foot, around hip height, flying out towards mid-off? He should look at a few photos of Panesar, a real left armer, or I could even send him a couple of my own, taken forty years apart, demonstrating this important - nay, basic - principle.
As for the Ashes, I feel that our only chance is if we have every single piece of luck going our way as it did in the last series - McGrath stepping on a ball, Gillespie suddenly forgetting how to bowl, Warne dropping a bread-and-butter catch before the South African hooligan had scored, etc. As has been pointed out, our system of nil or minimal match practice should ensure the rapid return of the Ashes to Oz, I fear.”
I responded to Peter as follows: “I agree with all your comments and am only surprised that you didn't refer to Gilo's penchant for bowling over the wicket as well, although this may be under direction from the Zimbabwean.”
This landed on just the right spot and I got this by return email:
“Just as no gentleman would ever strike a lady, so no genuine left-armer would bowl over the wicket to the right hand bat, albeit that Tufnell did so from time to time. In his case, of course, it is on record that he smoked unconventional substances on a relatively frequent basis. I would go further and say that there is a good case to be made for remaining round the wicket to left-handers as well, mainly because left-handers are not mirror image right-handers and in my belief, this difference in technique means that you can find yourself bowling to their strength from over. For me, greater pressure may be exerted from round.”
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket number 42
After the kaleidoscope of colour at the Champions Trophy it was good to see the players back in whites at Brisbane. But the longer I looked at England in the field the more I realised how even the virgin status of white in test matches has been eroded. There is blue piping on the collar and sleeves of the shirts and on the pockets of the trousers. There are also two superfluous piping width stripes down the front of the shirt. On the chest there is an England badge in blue on one side and the sponsors badge in red on the other. There is also the player’s chronological number in terms of when he first appeared. These three pieces of miscellany are repeated in reverse on the sleeves of the shirts. Sadly we can only expect more of this encroachment as the marketing men and the fashionistas get their way.
Cricket in Heaven The Professor sent me the following. He tells me that a friend of his found it very amusing
Two ninety-year-old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to
Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven." Vic looks up at Nev from his deathbed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years. This favour, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Vic passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he
Is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...."
"Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Nev, it's me, Vic."
"Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!"
"Vic? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Nev "The good news is that there is cricket in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're opening the batting next Tuesday"
Strange Elevens Last month’s team looked very Caribbean and Ollie Gibbs suggested: “Is it something as obvious as Guyana's all time greatest XI?” I put this to the Great Jack Morgan who responded:
“I am calling it Test Cricketers from South America (yes, Guyana of course). Congratulations to Ollie and I’m sorry that it was so “obvious”. Is Ollie an expert on Guyana? I am not, so I couldn’t attempt an all time greatest XI; it was just that I remembered that those blokes were all from Guyana and they looked as if they comprised a plausible team. I’ll make them less obvious in future, how about this one:
Hubert Doggart
Denis Silk
Peter May
Colin Cowdrey
Tony Lewis
Colin Ingleby-Mackenzie
Charlie Palmer
Billy Griffith (w/k)
Freddie Brown
Gubby Allen
John Warr
As usual all you have to do is identify which Jazz Hat fits them all. It looks as if they have had plenty to practise with.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
Googlies Volume 2 now available
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 48
December 2006
Ashes Matters Before the horrors of Brisbane Dick Crawshay sent me this report on England’s early skirmishes in Australia
“I have just returned from a day at the SCG watching the ‘match’ between New South Wales and the touring English team. I say ‘match’ advisedly as it was really only a staged practice game. England asked the NSW team if they could have a 14 player a side match- fielding 11. NSW acquiesced, so it was no longer a first class fixture, the runs/ wickets did not count towards a player’s averages, but it did give England a chance to field extra players for match practice.
I think that whilst there are good reasons for such an arrangement, it defeats the purpose, as it is no longer a competitive clash. It is more important to organize a competitive lead up for the visitors for the first test- and that hasn’t happened. They arrived eight days ago- had a one day match in a small oval against the Prime Minister’s eleven- a sort of carnival atmosphere, then a practice three day game in Sydney. They have a further match at state level against Queensland before facing Australia in the first test next week. Woefully inadequate preparation, with no favours being done by turning today’s event into a practice session.
But more important, what were my first impressions? Underdone. I saw an hour of England bowling at mediocre batting down the order, including a quick but wayward Harmison, followed by two opening batsmen who were unable to see or time the ball on a friendly strip. McGrath opened the bowling and looked 20mph quicker when bowling against Trescothick, who was rushed at every stroke before he got out.
Lee was far too quick for both of them, and it took an age before Strauss assumed any authority. Cook looked better, Bell went quickly and Peterson looked decidedly uncomfortable for a while until he took hold of Henriques. This series is in danger of a whitewash. I think that it is highly unlikely that England will get match fit by next week, and if they lose the first test by a wide margin- as seems a distinct possibility, they will not recover. But don’t blame the players. Blame the managers for not ensuring a proper lead up or space between the tests to re- group. I hope I’m wrong, but fear I’m right.”
We now all know that he was right. The England camp is saying that they can come back as they did in 2005. But it will be harder because it is taking place in Australia and the side is not settled. It was no surprise to some of us that Monty was left out in Brisbane and I suspect that Fletch doesn’t want to play him at Adelaide. In fact he doesn’t want to play any spinners at all. His strategy is four quicks putting incessant pressure on the opposition backed up by a spinner who bowls a few overs of negative medium pace. The “who bats at number eight” is a relevant but separate issue. Plunkett is probably the heir to this role if he was fit and fast enough.
Banger’s absence is having a bad impact on Strauss who seems to feel that it is incumbent upon him now to hook at everything. But over the coming weeks he may be missed even more in the field. England clearly have not decided who is going to be their prime slip fielder in this series. At Brisbane I noted Strauss, Collingwood and Flintoff occupying this role and this bodes badly for when the edge is found in future tests. When Flintoff placed himself there in the second innings he spilled a fairly straightforward one off Langer. Nobody seemed surprised.
If you want some good news then Ponting’s decision not to enforce the follow on ensured that the match went into the fifth day. This means that it will almost certainly take Australia more than the eleven days it took them to win the Ashes last time. Incidentally, there is rumour that Peg Leg will be fit for Melbourne. If he is where will he bat and who will be left out? I would like to see him opening but perhaps he has been practicing his off spin in the nets and will solve the number eight conundrum.
Magical Moments of 2006
Here is a personal selection
1. The One Day International at the Wanderers in which the Australians were beaten by South Africa after scoring a record 434 for 4 themselves. Ponting scored 164 from 105 balls including nine sixes for Australia and in theory the Proteas didn’t stand a chance. Graham Smith got them off to a flyer with 90 from 54 balls and Herschelle Gibbs made a spectacular 175 including seven sixes from 111 balls. Extraordinarily, throughout their historic chase they were ahead of the required rate. Records were broken in all aspects of the game including Mick Lewis conceding the most, 111, from ten overs in a ODI.
2. Steve Harmison’s took 6 for 19 at Old Trafford against the Pakistanis. This was raw, aggressive and accurate fast bowling at its best and most terrifying. The wicket was fast and hard which helped him but he maintained an uncharacteristic, unrelenting accuracy. This was brown your pants bowling reminiscent of the best West Indians.
3. Murali’s 8 for 70 at Trent Bridge to square the series for Sri Lanka. This was one of the greatest spells of spin bowling ever seen. He had his doozra working and none of the England batsmen could read it. England slumped from 84 for 0 to 132 for 7 with Murali taking all the wickets. He seemed likely to get all ten until Hoggard was run out and then Jayasuriya dismissed Panesar. England were humbled in their first home series after winning the Ashes. This was bowling of the highest order.
4. Darren Lehmann’s final innings for Yorkshire, in which he signed off after seven seasons with 339. It was the highest score at Headingley beating Bradman’s 334. Lehman had earlier been selected in Yorkshire best ever all time side ahead of amongst others, Geoff Boycott. It already seems odd that this great player had so few games for his country. Had he been English he would have had fifteen years of international cricket and, no doubt, be ranked with the very best ever. Lehmann amassed 8,693 runs for Yorkshire at 67.91, a higher average for the county than Geoffrey Boycott (57.85), Len Hutton (53.34) and Herbert Sutcliffe (50.20).
5. Tharanga and Jayasuriya’s flaying of the England attack at Headingley in the fifth ODI. England had scored an apparently respectable 321 in their innings but Sri Lanka knocked them off with twelve overs to spare. They reached 50 from 3.4 overs, 100 from 8 overs and 200 from 21 overs. Both batsmen scored hundreds and their opening partnership of 286 was a record in ODIs. This was a massacre and for most of the chase they were ahead of the rate to beat the scores in the Wanderers game.
6. Jayawardene and Sangakarra created a new test record partnership of 624 against South Africa. On this occasion Tharanga and Jayasuriya had both been dismissed cheaply and the pair started at 14 for 2. When Sangakarra was out for 287 the score had reached 638. Jayawardene continued until the declaration came at 756 for 5, when he was dismissed for 374. The South African bowling attack included Steyn, Ntini, Nel, Hall and Boje.
7. In the Pro40 match at Old Trafford in August Middlesex bowled Lancashire out in twelve overs for their only win in this competition. Middlesex had scored a gettable 234 from their forty overs but after a two hours rain delay Duckworth Lewis allotted Lancashire twelve overs to get 86. They would normally expect to stroll this but succumbed to some kamikaze batting and some surprisingly applied Middlesex bowling. Has any side ever been dismissed in fewer overs?
8. Boddepalli Manoj Kumar and Mohammad Shaibaaz Tumbi added 721 and created a new record in all cricket. The previous record had been established in February 1988, when Sachin Tendulkar and Vinod Kambli added 664 for Shardashram Vidyamandir School in a Harris Shield match against St Xavier’s. But where Shardashram needed 120 overs to amass 748 for two, Tumbi and Kumar, the openers, needed only 40 overs to wallop an unbeaten 721. They were aided by some incredibly wayward bowling, with the St Phillip High School boys sending down 57 wides and three no-balls. Even more astonishing was the fact that they got to such a mammoth score without a single six being hit at the large Parade Ground in Secunderabad.
I asked the Professor whether he had any special moments to add. He replied:
“I think, since we were there, that I would have to have the win in Mumbai down as a personal highlight. The heat and the filth notwithstanding, it is wonderful to be in a country where everybody, without exception, is mad on cricket. When we got back to our hotel at the end of the game, all the hotel staff applauded...and we'd only been watching.
The on-field moment must be Monty Panesar at last catching Dhoni having let an identical slog drop to the ground next to him.
The off-field moment was the look on the face of a very pleasant Indian spectator sitting next to us in the stand. Above the deafening racket greeting the new batsman he politely, but incredulously, answered the mischievous question of one of our group ("Who is this coming into bat?") with the information that it was Sachin Tendulkar. He could not however cope with the follow-up..."Is he any good?"”
Ten things you don’t want for Christmas
- A year’s subscription to Hello magazine
- An Eminem anthology
- An invitation to join the Big Brother house for the next series
- An MCC sweater
- A weekend in Baghdad
1. I don’t want a gloating card from my brother-in-law about the way the ashes are going
2. Humorous socks or underpants
3. Old Spice
4. Tickets for the Sound of Music
5. Baileys or any other liqueur.
International Come One Club and so on
I sent this to the Great Jack Morgan: “Yardy turns out to be an awful fielder. Did we know that? He can’t catch and, maybe even worse for the modern game, can’t throw. He has become the new Lardarse. Will Lardy get back in the reckoning? He used to seem to be pretty much a fixture in the OD side, without ever doing that much to justify it with his negative lobs being more effective that his Taunton slogging which I believe only once got him past fifty. Incidentally, in India Yardy bowled faster than Collingwood, who was only used as a bowler as an afterthought, which is all a bit odd since the wickets were slow. After his first economical spell against India, Yardy was sorted out by the WIs and the Aussies.”
He replied: Whenever I have seen Yardy, he has always fielded at slip, where he seems to do OK (as does Owais, of course). I don’t think I have ever seen him sliding around in the outfield. As a lad, he was rather a chunky, ungainly sort of chap (when I first saw him in Sussex 2s, he was batting 9 or 10 and bowling quickish left arm over); since then he has got fitter, but it doesn’t sound as if it has done anything for his agility. As Yardy didn’t impress in India, Lardarse may well have a chance of getting his place back, especially if Yardy is no better in the field. As you know, I would have given Lardarse more chances up the order: he has terrific potential and it’s hard to do well in one-dayers from 8 or 9.
Cheating Matters
Since the Pakistan Oval fiasco I have been pondering cheating in the game. I have been discussing cheating with a number of my correspondents. Eric Tracey sent me the following article by Richard Boock:
“If anyone needed convincing that the spirit of cricket was already dead in the water, they only had to witness Dwayne Bravo's hero-to-villain transformation yesterday morning. Having just scored a century against England in the penultimate pool game of the Champions Trophy, the West Indian then blotted his copybook by claiming - and receiving the benefit of the doubt for - an outfield catch that never was.
Some things you simply don't do in cricket - and faking catches has always been one of the mortal sins; the sort of thing that cuts to the basic values of the game and asks pertinent questions about one's honesty. People who have played cricket to any level will tell you that it's impossible not to know that you've scooped up a ball on the half-volley as Bravo did yesterday, rather than catching it cleanly above the turf.
Those who have attempted to disguise such details - like Australian wicketkeeper Greg "the Liar" Dyer, have usually lived with tarnished reputations for the rest of their careers, and it will certainly take a long time to forget Bravo's effort. It happened at the start of the 38th over of England's chase, when Bravo ran in from long-off to attempt a catch off the bat of Michael Yardy. Television replays showed he wasn't only unsuccessful, but that he would have almost certainly known he was.
Rather than inform the umpires of the situation or immediately signal that he didn't affect the catch, the talented all-rounder shyly rolled the ball away and within seconds was accepting the congratulations of his skipper Brian Lara. In a tournament that, ironically, had been dedicated to the spirit of cricket, Bravo's duplicity instead represented a victory for the cowards and swindlers of this world and deserved, at least, a dressing down from the match referee. It's true; it could be asked why Yardy effectively walked rather than staying on the field and pushing the envelope, and why umpire Simon Taufel didn't immediately head upstairs for verification. But that's not really the point.
Born of a time when most decisions depended on honesty rather than television replays, the principle surrounding dodgy catches has always been simple and straightforward: inform the umpire when you're unsure. To say nothing and let the batsman perish, as Bravo did, is blatant cheating. As for Lara's involvement, it just added up to another unseemly contribution from a man who has given the West Indies plenty of runs over the years, but absolutely nothing in the way of integrity or character. Lara could have, should have, checked with Bravo to ensure that all was well with the catch, but instead appeared to be one of the main influences in letting Yardy depart.
It's about time someone reminded Lara of the opening clause in the Code of Conduct, which holds captains responsible for ensuring their teams play within not only the rules of the game, but also the spirit of it. If Lara really believes he's bigger than that, and it would be no surprise to learn he does, then it's clearly time for the rest of the cricketing world to take heed and treat him accordingly. On the strength of yesterday's effort, his word stands for nothing, and neither does his name.”
Well-said, Mr Boock. We have previously touched on Lara’s prevailing self-interest. But let us turn to punishments. The most ridiculous aspect of the Hair affair is that the punishment for tampering with the ball turns out to be just five runs. So here is an attempt to produce some more appropriate punishments
Why is shining the ball apparently OK when picking the seam is frowned upon. Both are attempts to return the ball to its original condition. If the condition of the ball is going to take such a prominent role in the proceedings presumably the umpires will have to inspect it at the end of each over? If you are not allowed to tamper with it in any way then it will deteriorate quicker and the new ball will have to be eligible earlier. And what is the penalty going to be? A five runs penalty is absurd and the fielding side may think that it is worthwhile to change the ball’s condition and/or get it changed. Presumably the bowlers currently bowling are the ones who would benefit and so they should both be banned from bowling for the rest of the innings.
To run one short is an attempt to cheat the fielding side and is a misnomer since both of the runs are by definition short if the batsman does not make his ground. The penalty here is easy and neither run should count.
Slow over rates. These are used to reduce the duration of the match, which gives the other side less time to force a win. No side should be allowed a new ball if they are behind the prescribed over rate for the innings. They should also have runs deducted from their score in proportion to the rate at which they have failed to bowl their overs. For example a side is due to bowl 100 overs but only bowls 90 then its own runs are reduced by 10% whether already scored or due in the next innings. That should move things along more quickly.
Batsmen who don’t walk. These should be banned from the rest of the match. They are already out in their current innings and should not field or bat for the rest of the match. In KP’s case he should be banned from the next match as well.
Eric Tracey suggested some further penalties:
For not walking when obviously caught – depending on attitude and demeanour, having to bat a certain number of innings without any footwear.
For claiming the ball hit the pad when clearly caught off the bat – having to bat a certain number of innings without pads.
For throwing when meant to be bowling – having to bowl with the other arm for a certain number of innings.
For excessive absurd appealing – having to play a certain number of innings wearing a mask over the mouth except in Pakistan and other Muslim countries where the player’s tongue could be removed.
For ball tampering – having to spend a certain number of weeks in Pakistan to learn how not to get caught again.
For ball tampering in Pakistan – removal of the hand.
I suspect “spending a certain number of weeks in the company of Geoffrey Boycott, Daryl Hair or other nominated persons” should also feature as a punishment on a list like this.
Any further suggestions will be gratefully received.
Alan Richardson Matters
In last month’s edition I reported that Bob Peach had informed me that the Bush had pulled a flunkey by playing Alan Richardson as a Ringer in their match against South Hampstead in the summer. No sooner had a pushed the Send button than the corrections started flooding in. First out of the blocks was Bob Baxter:
“Just to put the record straight Richardson was registered by Shepherd's Bush. Stanmore should have registered him the season before but as they failed to do so (they presumed he would not ever be available) one of Alan's mates, who plays for the Bush, managed to persuade him to play for them. Peachy only got half the story...no change there.”
And then I heard from Ian Rocker Robinson:
“Alan Richardson was a properly registered player having signed the ECB registration forms some six weeks prior to the game. Were he not, the Bush would have been up before the MCCL head beaks and would no doubt have been deducted league points very quickly.”
Shepherds Bush Matters
Ollie Gibbs gave me details of a Shepherds Bush tour to Antigua in November but they were too late to include in the last edition. I have asked him to send us a report of the goings on, on and off the field, for future publication.
Ian Robinson sent me these notes:
“The inaugural Bush dinner in the new clubhouse is due to take place on its traditional date of the first Saturday in December. Tickets £30 from various people including Timmy Howard. Rod Woolley is to speak. Fund raising is underway for a state of the art electronic scoreboard to be operational for the start of next season. All donations welcome.”
Middlesex Matters
Middlesex supporters will be aware that Ben Hutton resigned as captain at the end of last season and with his stand in Styris not being re-engaged for next year there is a vacancy. There were whisperings of Spearman coming to fill that role and even of Jayasuriya being engaged to do the job, although with Vaas and Kartik already signed up we have our full quota of foreigners to go with our own South Africans. In the event the club has belatedly appointed Ed Smith who was available all along to take up the position. This is an extraordinary example of thinking within the box when what was needed was the vision and courage to step outside it.
Amongst the cognoscenti there was a growing groundswell of support for the idea that they should have asked the Great Jack Morgan to come out of retirement and lead the side in 2007. He would have been reluctant to do so because of a recurring tennis elbow injury but Middlesex never let injuries interfere with selection and regularly pick Keegan and Nash in their sides. What other qualities does our man have? Well he has never played first class cricket but these days players go straight into the test side without doing so and so that should not be held against him. He does know his way to all the grounds and has got his own car. The Club Treasurer, Geoff Norris, would have been pleased to make savings in this department.
Our man goes to most of the games anyway and so it would not have reduced the number of spectators at the matches. He is a life member of the club and so they would not have lost any ground admission fees by changing his status. In fact, when Middlesex are batting he could have sat in his favourite spot on the ground and directed operations from there. He rather unfashionably wears his hair long but could have borrowed one of Chad Keegan’s discarded Alice bands in the changing room and he would have presented a noble figurehead with it rakishly holding his blond locks in place.
In fact it is hard to come up with any reason why Middlesex did not proceed with this appointment. Our man is one of forthright views and strict principles and this would have been more than adequate to stand up to Darrell Hair when he is umpiring second division matches next season.
Penguin Prattle
Peter Ray is not looking forward to the return of Gilo. He sent me this:
“In your edition no. 47, you refer to the possible return into harness - the correct phraseology for him, since he has never been anything other than a carthorse - of the appalling Gilo, about whom I have a bit of a thing. Well, a king-size thing, to be honest.
It is my firm opinion that, despite all the loyal commendations that come from his England team-mates who sometimes strike me more as Mafiosi rather than proper England cricketers - I am seeing in my mind's eye people like Cyril Washbrook, dapper and elegant in a blazer, and then getting a picture of the bizarre hairstyles of the Voortrekker Pietersen, not to mention his bloody ear-ring; I saw him the other day totally discomfited by a ball splendidly directed up his nose immediately before being dismissed to a catch by Gilchrist and thought to myself that he had better get used to sniffing leather instead of other substances he may well be into, because there is plenty more where those came from - where was I? Ah, yes, it is my firm opinion that he will never be able to bowl slow left arm while he has a hole in his ear.
In The Times a couple of days back, there was an extraordinary picture of Gilo, obviously meant to inspire and cheer us. It did little for me except to confirm my deeply held belief. There was Gilo, his left arm having travelled across his body in the follow through - OK so far - but he was standing on his left foot and the right foot was dangling about in front of him in the vicinity of the popping crease, about six inches off the ground. Had he forgotten, through playing no cricket, that to bowl left arm spin, it is necessary to pivot on a straight right leg and that, in the follow through position, the centrifugal force generated by a proper pivot would send his left foot, around hip height, flying out towards mid-off? He should look at a few photos of Panesar, a real left armer, or I could even send him a couple of my own, taken forty years apart, demonstrating this important - nay, basic - principle.
As for the Ashes, I feel that our only chance is if we have every single piece of luck going our way as it did in the last series - McGrath stepping on a ball, Gillespie suddenly forgetting how to bowl, Warne dropping a bread-and-butter catch before the South African hooligan had scored, etc. As has been pointed out, our system of nil or minimal match practice should ensure the rapid return of the Ashes to Oz, I fear.”
I responded to Peter as follows: “I agree with all your comments and am only surprised that you didn't refer to Gilo's penchant for bowling over the wicket as well, although this may be under direction from the Zimbabwean.”
This landed on just the right spot and I got this by return email:
“Just as no gentleman would ever strike a lady, so no genuine left-armer would bowl over the wicket to the right hand bat, albeit that Tufnell did so from time to time. In his case, of course, it is on record that he smoked unconventional substances on a relatively frequent basis. I would go further and say that there is a good case to be made for remaining round the wicket to left-handers as well, mainly because left-handers are not mirror image right-handers and in my belief, this difference in technique means that you can find yourself bowling to their strength from over. For me, greater pressure may be exerted from round.”
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket number 42
After the kaleidoscope of colour at the Champions Trophy it was good to see the players back in whites at Brisbane. But the longer I looked at England in the field the more I realised how even the virgin status of white in test matches has been eroded. There is blue piping on the collar and sleeves of the shirts and on the pockets of the trousers. There are also two superfluous piping width stripes down the front of the shirt. On the chest there is an England badge in blue on one side and the sponsors badge in red on the other. There is also the player’s chronological number in terms of when he first appeared. These three pieces of miscellany are repeated in reverse on the sleeves of the shirts. Sadly we can only expect more of this encroachment as the marketing men and the fashionistas get their way.
Cricket in Heaven The Professor sent me the following. He tells me that a friend of his found it very amusing
Two ninety-year-old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him every day. "Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives, and how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to
Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven." Vic looks up at Nev from his deathbed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years. This favour, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Vic passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he
Is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...."
"Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Nev, it's me, Vic."
"Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!"
"Vic? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Nev "The good news is that there is cricket in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're opening the batting next Tuesday"
Strange Elevens Last month’s team looked very Caribbean and Ollie Gibbs suggested: “Is it something as obvious as Guyana's all time greatest XI?” I put this to the Great Jack Morgan who responded:
“I am calling it Test Cricketers from South America (yes, Guyana of course). Congratulations to Ollie and I’m sorry that it was so “obvious”. Is Ollie an expert on Guyana? I am not, so I couldn’t attempt an all time greatest XI; it was just that I remembered that those blokes were all from Guyana and they looked as if they comprised a plausible team. I’ll make them less obvious in future, how about this one:
Hubert Doggart
Denis Silk
Peter May
Colin Cowdrey
Tony Lewis
Colin Ingleby-Mackenzie
Charlie Palmer
Billy Griffith (w/k)
Freddie Brown
Gubby Allen
John Warr
As usual all you have to do is identify which Jazz Hat fits them all. It looks as if they have had plenty to practise with.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
them3�)es��O�ss code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
Googlies Volume 2 now available
I have now published the second twenty editions of Googlies & Chinamen in hardback form. Both volumes are available from www.lulu.com or if you prefer from me at the contact details below.
Earlier Editions I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
