GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 50
February 2007
Caption Competition
1. Peter Ray: Fellow members of the Umpires’ Coven take heed. This is how I will be responding to all LBW appeals in the coming season.
2. Jimmy Anderson: Skip, don’t you think we will look silly if we have to play in this kit during the World Cup?
Peg Leg: That will be the least of your worries.
3. Victoria Beckham: Angelina, you must be joking. Please tell me that the A-list doesn’t wear these clothes in LA?
4. Bob Peach: Don, I haven’t seen you for a while, but I must say that you are ageing rather well.
Don Wallis: Pity I can’t say the same for you Bob.
5. Len Stubbs: No one could recognise me at the last South Hampstead Reunion and they will never identify me next time either.
6. David Graveney: Morning Duncan. Nice make up, what pancake are you using today?
7. Sarah Taylor: Forget it girls. I’d rather get changed with the boys.
8. Mike Brearley: Well Ed, if you want to join the Order of Middlesex Captains you will just have to get used to it, won’t he Gatt?
So what is the real Problem?-Fletcher and Selection Matters
Fletch is pretty much a one-track minded fellow. He thinks that international cricket is hard and difficult and that the way to be successful is to be aggressive with the bat and apply unrelenting pressure with the ball. On the batting side he has lost Banger, Peg Leg and Freddie who are world class stroke makers and he has had to use Cook, Collingwood and Bell in their place who are accomplished performers but will never scare an opposition at international level.
His idea of applying unrelenting pressure is to use four top pace quicks regardless of the conditions. He backed them up with Gilo bowling medium pace over the wicket not because he wanted a spin option but because he needed someone who could bat at eight and catch close to the wicket. He doesn’t want slow bowlers at all and those who predicted them playing two spinners at Melbourne and Sydney clearly did not understand his philosophy. His selections for Brisbane and Adelaide were a direct reflection on these tactics that had won him the Ashes in 2005. He didn’t have another plan and needed to replicate his format. Perth was both a disaster for him and a vindication of his tactics. When Monty took five wickets it seemed as if all his critics were right and that he should have been playing all along but when Gilchrist laid into him in the second innings it was his worst nightmare come true. Easy runs were scored and any semblance of pressure had gone. Interestingly, Monty was no threat after this onslaught as the other Aussie batsmen realised that he could be milked.
Fletch’s tactics depend on all his bowlers being on song simultaneously. This is a big ask. At Lords in 2005 Jones the Ball bowled a loosener every over and Clarke and Martyn batted England out of the game on the second afternoon. It could be argued that the 2002 Ashes series was lost before a ball was bowled when Nass put the Aussies in. In 2006 the series may have been lost after one ball, the infamous Brisbane Ball, which sent a signal that the pressure was already off. The mysterious repeated selection of Mahmood was simply an attempt to bring in a ninety mile an hour bowler to replace Jones. Don’t forget that Jones had done nothing before the 2005 Ashes series.
You could argue that Fletch has been unlucky in not having his bowlers fit, but given their bizarre regimes of athletic fitness as opposed to bowling fitness plus their deliberate policy of not preparing in match conditions they have only got themselves to blame. In the Sky Review Bob Willis was savage on the bowlers and on Harmison in particular. He said they should forget about him completely until he has proved himself interested enough and competent enough to be reconsidered for selection.
Fletch knows that Teflon is a better bat than Reid, but when it comes to the crunch neither are really good enough to bat at seven. The selection of Nixon is just buying breathing space before they decide whether to go back to Foster or bring in Davies. Nixon is probably in the Fletcher school of “hard work will get you there”. His keeping has already been exposed against Freddie’s wayward deliveries and the Aussies have already worked out his frailties as a batsman. He will probably look no better than Reid and Teflon by the end of January.
Fletch’s underlying problem is that he only has plan A. There is no plan B. He doesn’t know what to do when the injuries let him down. He describes Monty as the best finger spinner in the world but he doesn’t want him in the side. He can’t get Anderson to pitch it up in the tests and bowl yorkers in the ODIs. He can’t get Mahmood to bowl straight and doesn’t trust Hoggard not to bowl new rinse in the ODIs. In the ODIs he has no strategy at all which is why, despite having a reasonable side in recent years, the ODI performance has been crap. The constant selection of unlikely guys and then dropping them without explanation demonstrates this lack of a plan. In the same way that foreign football managers have no regard for the FA cup and put out the stiffs in cup-ties, Fletch regards ODIs in much the same way.
Unless he gets lucky with the fitness of his bowlers and allows them to play in County matches to get their rhythm Fletch would do well to go quietly. On the invariable good wickets for modern test cricket he, understandably, doesn’t want finger spinners or military medium seamers but seems reluctant to bring through the next batch of six foot four plus, bang it in seamers- Tremlett, Broad and Plunkett. Perhaps Flintoff’s lack of confidence in Mahmood has contributed to this.
I tried this stuff out on the Great Jack Morgan and he replied
Dunc does use ODIs to blood newcomers, but I believe that he does care about them, because it was his idea to increase the number of ODIs that England play to the current inflated number. His reason was that other countries had an advantage over England because they all played more ODIs than England did, but now that England play as many as others do, England are even worse than when they played fewer. Successful teams do sometimes come together quite suddenly, but if that were to happen in time for the World Cup, we ought to have been able to see some signs by now. As I see it, the main hope now is to avoid total humiliation and this should be achieved, as England should be able to struggle through against the might of Canada and Kenya, but anything more than that would be a bonus. Finishing last in the Super 8s would not look too impressive, but that is where Eng are expected to finish according to the rankings, so 7th should be considered a triumph!
I always find “A” team selections interesting and often inexplicable. This one is a mixture of promising lads (including Compton, Davies and Rashid, but sadly, no place for Sarah Taylor) and slightly older chaps about 26 or 27. Nothing unusual about that really and, in Amjad’s case, he could not have been picked any earlier because he has only just qualified. But the selection of Jefferson is astonishing. I have always rated Big Jeffo, but why has he not been picked before and what was it that caused his selection now after a season in which he scored 5 first class runs for Essex? It must have been a very classy 5. In some ways the selection of Carberry is even more surprising. He has been around three counties now, without fulfilling the early promise he showed at Surrey. He underachieved at Kent and even at Hampshire last season he fell short of a thousand runs and averaged only an unexceptional 36. He managed two centuries, but one of them was against Middlesex and was one of the worst centuries that many of us had ever seen in first class cricket. I can only think that someone (we do not really know who selects A teams) remembered his early promise (Fletch likes an U-19s player) and decided that he should have an A tour before it was too late for him to fulfil his potential. Much the same with Jeffo, I suppose: if we do not try him out now, it will be too late. But such players are very lucky to be preferred to players with superior records. I do not think that Uncle Dunc is really a selector of the A team (because he sees little or no county cricket), but I do think that he nominates some players that he wants on the trip (e.g. Yardy, Broad and Prior) and he might even have suggested the likes of Jefferson and Carberry as they would have been promising eighteen year olds when he was involved in county cricket at Glamorgan.
Positive Matters
American motivational speakers have got a lot to answer for. However bad things get the England management always tell us they are taking plenty of positives out of the wreckage. I decided to turn to my academic guru, the Professor for his views. Predictably he had plenty to say on the matter:
Après le deluge, interviews of Fletcher, Flintoff et al have produced the tiresome, childish, mantra of "Being positive, learning the lessons and moving forward". They of course have to say something, and 5-0 gives you comparatively little to talk about, but it does seem particularly dire. It is difficult to know whether the phrase is actually intended to mean anything or not - examined individually, the thing is more or less tautological - "moving forward" presumably relates to moving forward in time, which is what we all do. Moving back, (or indeed sideways or diagonally) is not an option outside of a Tardis. If it means not dwelling on the past, "moving forward" rather runs contrary to "learning lessons" which in any case is pretty close to a tautology (if they haven't been learnt they were not "lessons").
Flintoff, in particular, seems adept at this kind of meaningful meaninglessness. Perhaps he does indeed have lessons in say "Empty Rhetoric" having bunked off "Setting a Run Saving Field". At no time are we told (presumably also part of the media training course) what the lessons actually are, although we all know that: taking unfit players, picking the wrong side and setting very poor fields were all problems of the 2002/3 tour, after which, of course, "lessons would be learned".
Of all the interviews that I saw (and I have seen most of them) I thought the worst was given by Graveney after the Third Test. Called into the studio to explain the shambles (or at the very least apologise) he sat there with a smug smile on his face and declared that he knew that feelings were running high (knowing empathetic smile to the camera) and that (of course) lessons would be learned. One can forgive the players not being too articulate, especially after just walking off the field having been thrashed, but the administrators and especially him, should be able to come up with something other than condescending superciliousness.
However, "learning lessons" and "moving forward" are, one could argue, intended to mean nothing. "Being positive" is different. "Being positive" means something in the cricketing context. Unfortunately, in the English experience, it tends to be a synonym for "getting out cheaply". Strauss was positive in the First Test, for example and his mishit (but very positive) hooks got him out. Panesar responded positively to Read's very positive call for a short single and was (positively and comprehensively) run out. Flintoff in the last test made a very positive charge down the wicket and got out caught behind trying to hit the ball over the sightscreen at a time when a hundred from him (the captain after all) was what the side desperately needed. Bell played a very positive swipe at something he could have left well alone. And on and on.
Now I don't suggest that England captain should declare that his intention is to be negative (or even neutral, if we are to continue the metaphor) but how about some realisation that in a game that takes the best part of a week to play there is some virtue in staying at the crease? Instead of "being positive" how about some more time-honoured homilies (if we have to have them at all) like "wait for the bad ball to hit", don't "hang your bat out to dry" (how many players got out to McGrath defending balls that would not have hit the stumps), best of all, how about "you can't score runs in the pavilion". The issue isn't, of course, "new clichés for old" but rather that if the players really do think they have to be positive and that is taken to mean trying to hook Brett Lee with the new ball out of the ground, then there is some likelihood that it will not be a successful tactic. Staying in against Brett Lee must be hard enough, why not try to do that? Wasn't there something in the past about the openers job being to "see off the new ball"? Why is letting a 90mph ball outside off stump go "negative" but attempting (and failing) to hit it out of the ground "positive"?
If "moving forward" and "learning lessons" are bollocks, "being positive" is dangerous bollocks. I don't of course have a solution although I think a less arrogant man than Graveney would have stood down long ago. Fletcher has been an extremely successful England coach (just think of some of the others) but his time might have gone - I do think Slater is right in saying that the coach should not be a selector.
Your earlier suggestion of bringing the Great Jack Morgan back into a central role in the national game is, of course, an eminently sensible one - some video clips of "Morgan's Greatest Innings" would show all England aspirant opening bats how to "take the shine off the ball" and how to "play for tea" (even at 11.45)...at the very least how "not to give your wicket away" - which a lot of them did...in a very positive manner.
Penguin Matters
On the day that KP was tickled in the ribs by the Aussies I also saw that Gilo was in the thirty for the World Cup. I couldn’t resist sending the following to Peter Ray:
“You will no doubt be delighted with your man's recall for the World Cup?”
He replied:
It has considerably dimmed my pleasure at the injury sustained by the Public Park Slogger - at the hands of someone whom England players announced was over the hill and totally ineffective before the start and predictable conclusion of the Sackcloth and Ashes series -, in whose abilities, despite the views of those whose opinions I usually respect - Boycott and Marks - I have no confidence.
With many games, but cricket in particular, success demands that there is a mixture of technique, natural skill and brainpower. Some, like Botham, can succeed even with a minimum amount of the latter required to sustain life, although it should be noted that his success was much less when playing against the West Indies, at which time the ability to analyse and to select favourable options could have brought him better returns. The PPS, sadly, seems to have an excess of ego and minimal intellect - some might call him a self-regarding twit - and so, even though he has certain physical attributes and inborn abilities, I have the gravest doubts that he will have a lengthy career. Vanity will always prevail and proper bowlers will always be able to use that to his detriment.
With Gilo, one hopes for the continued recovery of his wife and I wish him well personally, but look forward to his overdue disappearance from international cricket where his presence represents for me a riddle greater than that posed, in former times, by the sphinx.
I responded:
“I think that I agree about KP. The underlying problem is of course that he should not be playing for England. Gilo's post hip action looked really weird and he almost looked like a slow bowler which really should have put him on Fletch's shit list. Fletch is scared of slow bowlers being easy meat at international level and he may be right on good wickets. Despite Monty's five wickets at Perth the mauling he took at the hands of Gilchrist in the second innings substantially subdued his threat for the rest of the series and the Aussies all started to milk him.”
To which he countered:
On good wickets slow bowlers, if they can bowl, will perform just as will good bowlers of whatever pace. Obviously, batsmen will have a better chance of making runs when things are in their favour but that has always been the case. Monty is still learning, of course, and must take on board the need to bowl slower, not faster and flatter when people are after him, whilst varying his pace still. There was an example of this when Vettori caused Symonds to mis-time completely and barely roll the ball to mid-on in the last match, but sadly he forgot what he should be doing and went flat for his last over, with dreadful consequences. With Monty also, it is hopeless to put him on and give him a field where there is an automatic one or two through mid-on and mid-off! Where is he supposed to pitch the ball? God himself would go for runs with the fields Flintoff sets.
Basic principles will always apply - play in the V; line and length; do not look up to see where the batsmen are when about to gather the ball; etc - but, as always was the case, there will be days when it is not your day. They may be slightly more frequent at the international level because (i) they are using far better bats these days (ii) wickets are always covered so that it is a bit like playing on indoor net wickets (iii) grounds are smaller because of advertising material all round and the things they have to prevent fielders hurting themselves instead of running into fences. Nonetheless, basics apply and one of them, for slow bowlers, is that you make it easier for the batsman to read the length when you bowl flat. If they hit a six, they should have to do it next ball off something which takes longer to arrive unless, of course, you see the batsman twitch and know that he is coming to you, in which case you want the ball to pass him, on one side or the other.
The problem is that England has no captain - and has had none back to Atherton and beyond - with any understanding of slow bowling, how and when to deploy it, and what fields to set to it. Their only thought is that they may get a bat/pad catch on one side or the other but there is much more to it than that. Sadly, too, we have Sky commentators (sic!) who know little of the art (some with little ability to formulate a coherent sentence, assuming any coherent thought to express) and so the problem increases. Am I becoming a whingeing old fart? No! I have always been one.
I kept going:
My belief is that Fletch has plan A that is to blast the oppo with four 90 mph quicks. He then wants aggressive batting to unsettle the oppo's bowlers. Slow bowlers don't fit into this plan and potentially, in his mind, can give the oppo too easy a time.
I suppose that that is OK and Clive Lloyd would agree. But he doesn't have a plan B or any other tactic. So when he doesn't have his four quicks fit or has to play in some other format such as ODIs he has no coherent strategy. I find it incredible that so called pundits thought that England would field two spinners on certain grounds during the Ashes series. Fletch didn't want to field any!
I think he will be forced out by the media. He will get no opportunity to use his tactic before the summer and the consequent almost certain defeat in the Commonwealth Bank series followed by an early exit in the WC will have the wolves baying for blood.
But he had the final say:
Well, Fletch is right, of course. People like Warne and Murali, and Harbhajan and Vettori to a lesser extent, have been quite useless, as has Gayle for the WI.
Giles is now a spent force, if ever he was anything else. Since his injury, there is even less sign of the arm speed being greater than that of the ball that being the basic requirement to produce what we think of as deceptive flight because the batsman gets his first indication of length and pace from the arm speed. The other aspect of flight is the amount of spin, whether or not the pitch allows turn, as this produces the tendency for the ball to hold its trajectory just that bit longer in defiance of gravity, before it then dips more sharply than the unspun delivery.
With Gilo, the arm was always slow, the spin little more than rolled. Now, the arm is even slower and it was painfully obvious that the Aussies were in no doubt about the length as soon as his arm started to come over. The clock will not be turned back.
Lardarse Matters
Craig MacMillan has turned out for New Zealand in the Commonwealth Bank ODI series and he makes Lardarse look decidedly trim. He waddles up to the wicket to deliver at about Gilo’s pace and takes a pork pie from the umpire with his cap at the end of each over.
Head up your Arse Matters
The commentators on Sky were all having a go at meriting the Dean Jones award for moronic commentating when Peg Leg made his return to international cricket in the Twenty20 match against Australia. They were all praising his every move and one suggested that England looked much slicker in the field with him back in charge. This was while Australia galloped to a new record high score in international Twenty20 matches. In fact catches were dropped, misfields abounded and the bowlers either sprayed it around or served up new rinse. So just how bad would they have expected it to be if Freddie had still been at the helm?
Stupid Bastard Matters
Alec Wullers Cullen sent me this photo, from day two of the fifth test at Sydney, which will no doubt make us all feel proud in defeat. The question everyone keeps asking me is “Where does Jimmy get his cash from to be able to be present whenever England take the field anywhere in the world?”
Wisden Five, Googlies Fifty and Other Awards
The Professor and I are going to have lunch in Yorkshire in February to celebrate the fiftieth edition of Googlies. He suggested that we use the occasion to select our Wisden Five Cricketers of the Year. Readers are invited to submit their own selections or indeed any other awards that might take their fancy. You might, for example, want to introduce a special Pig Headedness award to be presented to Duncan Fletcher or a Diplomat of the Year gong for Darryl Hair. You might even want to nominate a Googlies Man of the Year Award for your favourite contributor. The Andrew Baker Fan Club will be rooting for their idol whilst others may prefer the racy style of Kelvin West. Send me your thoughts for the next edition.
The Professor has already chipped in with his Cheat of the Year nomination:
I have a new entry for your "Cheat of the Year" award...one Imran Farhat.
With Kaneria bowling to Prince in the second test, Prince stretches right forward and gets an inside edge onto his boot. The ball then loops out on the off where Imran is fielding very close. He scoops it up and sets off on run round the stumps with the ball held high and screaming an appeal. All the other Pakistani close fielders, of course, join in. The only problem is that the ball has quite clearly bounced. It's not really even a half volley. For some reason the umpire called for the replay (they soon wont make any decisions at all) which showed what anyone could see with the naked eye, namely that Imran Farhat is a cheat - and so, come to that, are the keeper and slips (at the very least). No doubt there will be stiff competition for the award but this would be my favoured early entry.
Strange Elevens
I replied to the Great Jack Morgan’s last side: “I suddenly realised that your new side are the ginger bread men, although I am not sure that they all have enough hair left to qualify.” Paul Kilvington had similar thoughts: “The "jazz-hat" would have to be an orange one as they're all "ginners" (although quite a few of them have had blonde highlights and Kirby shaved all his off at one point!). Not a very strong batting line-up and it would be a somewhat bad-tempered game with Kirby and Hayward as opening bowlers.” The Great Jack Morgan responded: “Take a gold star. Yes, they were the Ginger Warriors XI. Try this bunch... er... erm... actually, I haven’t got any more and I think I might have retired. I might have hung up my envelopes and pencils. I might have gone to the great selection panel in the sky. New Year’s resolution: no more strangeness, I’m fed up with being strange.”
But you don’t get off that easily because I still have a stockpile of Strange Elevens from Jack which have not yet been used and here is the first one:
M Norman Northants/ Leics
R Dyer Warwicks
M Jayawardene SL
H Gibbons Worcs
P Jayawardene SL
K Dharmasena SL
C Vaas SL
J Dwyer Sussex
N Bandaratilleke SL
A McCoubrey Essex & Ireland
R Perera SL
Your task, as ever, is to work out which Jazz Hat they wear.
Ashes Matters Andy Tutton, Ken Molloy, Dick Crawshay and Eric Tracey all sent me this report from the Sydney Associated Press A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family
unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.
Football Matters
Unlike Premier League clubs Andrew Baker cannot afford to give his players a car each. Well actually he can but he doesn’t want to. But this does lead to problems and on a couple of occasions he has had players arrive late for matches. Since, ultimately, it is his reputation on the line he has decided to introduce special “travelling training techniques” to ensure that players arrive at the appointed venue in good time for the scheduled kick off. Andrew has leaned heavily on the undoubted expertise of Kelvin West in developing these techniques. Their key midfield player demonstrates the “double hitch” in the photograph below.
Molloy Matters
For those of you who might prefer to see pictures of naked men Ken Molloy sent me the following:
He went on to say: “I am spending several hours a day trying to help the people who lost all or part of their pensions in occupational pension plans. You have probably read that the Government is trying to avoid its responsibilities and refusing to implement the recommendations of the Ombudsman to put in place a system for full compensation. SAGA are supporting the campaign and have a petition the link is http://www.petitiononline.com/Pensions/petition.html
People who want to add their signature need to follow three steps. Add their info, preview the signature and then approve their signature for it to be included.”
I am including this for Ken only because he used to sit next to me in Jack Harvey’s Upper Sixth Econ.
And finally Good News from Australia
I am delighted to report that Kelvin West recently told me that, following a long course of chemotherapy, Bob Proctor has now been given the “all clear” by his doctors.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 50
February 2007
Caption Competition
1. Peter Ray: Fellow members of the Umpires’ Coven take heed. This is how I will be responding to all LBW appeals in the coming season.
2. Jimmy Anderson: Skip, don’t you think we will look silly if we have to play in this kit during the World Cup?
Peg Leg: That will be the least of your worries.
3. Victoria Beckham: Angelina, you must be joking. Please tell me that the A-list doesn’t wear these clothes in LA?
4. Bob Peach: Don, I haven’t seen you for a while, but I must say that you are ageing rather well.
Don Wallis: Pity I can’t say the same for you Bob.
5. Len Stubbs: No one could recognise me at the last South Hampstead Reunion and they will never identify me next time either.
6. David Graveney: Morning Duncan. Nice make up, what pancake are you using today?
7. Sarah Taylor: Forget it girls. I’d rather get changed with the boys.
8. Mike Brearley: Well Ed, if you want to join the Order of Middlesex Captains you will just have to get used to it, won’t he Gatt?
So what is the real Problem?-Fletcher and Selection Matters
Fletch is pretty much a one-track minded fellow. He thinks that international cricket is hard and difficult and that the way to be successful is to be aggressive with the bat and apply unrelenting pressure with the ball. On the batting side he has lost Banger, Peg Leg and Freddie who are world class stroke makers and he has had to use Cook, Collingwood and Bell in their place who are accomplished performers but will never scare an opposition at international level.
His idea of applying unrelenting pressure is to use four top pace quicks regardless of the conditions. He backed them up with Gilo bowling medium pace over the wicket not because he wanted a spin option but because he needed someone who could bat at eight and catch close to the wicket. He doesn’t want slow bowlers at all and those who predicted them playing two spinners at Melbourne and Sydney clearly did not understand his philosophy. His selections for Brisbane and Adelaide were a direct reflection on these tactics that had won him the Ashes in 2005. He didn’t have another plan and needed to replicate his format. Perth was both a disaster for him and a vindication of his tactics. When Monty took five wickets it seemed as if all his critics were right and that he should have been playing all along but when Gilchrist laid into him in the second innings it was his worst nightmare come true. Easy runs were scored and any semblance of pressure had gone. Interestingly, Monty was no threat after this onslaught as the other Aussie batsmen realised that he could be milked.
Fletch’s tactics depend on all his bowlers being on song simultaneously. This is a big ask. At Lords in 2005 Jones the Ball bowled a loosener every over and Clarke and Martyn batted England out of the game on the second afternoon. It could be argued that the 2002 Ashes series was lost before a ball was bowled when Nass put the Aussies in. In 2006 the series may have been lost after one ball, the infamous Brisbane Ball, which sent a signal that the pressure was already off. The mysterious repeated selection of Mahmood was simply an attempt to bring in a ninety mile an hour bowler to replace Jones. Don’t forget that Jones had done nothing before the 2005 Ashes series.
You could argue that Fletch has been unlucky in not having his bowlers fit, but given their bizarre regimes of athletic fitness as opposed to bowling fitness plus their deliberate policy of not preparing in match conditions they have only got themselves to blame. In the Sky Review Bob Willis was savage on the bowlers and on Harmison in particular. He said they should forget about him completely until he has proved himself interested enough and competent enough to be reconsidered for selection.
Fletch knows that Teflon is a better bat than Reid, but when it comes to the crunch neither are really good enough to bat at seven. The selection of Nixon is just buying breathing space before they decide whether to go back to Foster or bring in Davies. Nixon is probably in the Fletcher school of “hard work will get you there”. His keeping has already been exposed against Freddie’s wayward deliveries and the Aussies have already worked out his frailties as a batsman. He will probably look no better than Reid and Teflon by the end of January.
Fletch’s underlying problem is that he only has plan A. There is no plan B. He doesn’t know what to do when the injuries let him down. He describes Monty as the best finger spinner in the world but he doesn’t want him in the side. He can’t get Anderson to pitch it up in the tests and bowl yorkers in the ODIs. He can’t get Mahmood to bowl straight and doesn’t trust Hoggard not to bowl new rinse in the ODIs. In the ODIs he has no strategy at all which is why, despite having a reasonable side in recent years, the ODI performance has been crap. The constant selection of unlikely guys and then dropping them without explanation demonstrates this lack of a plan. In the same way that foreign football managers have no regard for the FA cup and put out the stiffs in cup-ties, Fletch regards ODIs in much the same way.
Unless he gets lucky with the fitness of his bowlers and allows them to play in County matches to get their rhythm Fletch would do well to go quietly. On the invariable good wickets for modern test cricket he, understandably, doesn’t want finger spinners or military medium seamers but seems reluctant to bring through the next batch of six foot four plus, bang it in seamers- Tremlett, Broad and Plunkett. Perhaps Flintoff’s lack of confidence in Mahmood has contributed to this.
I tried this stuff out on the Great Jack Morgan and he replied
Dunc does use ODIs to blood newcomers, but I believe that he does care about them, because it was his idea to increase the number of ODIs that England play to the current inflated number. His reason was that other countries had an advantage over England because they all played more ODIs than England did, but now that England play as many as others do, England are even worse than when they played fewer. Successful teams do sometimes come together quite suddenly, but if that were to happen in time for the World Cup, we ought to have been able to see some signs by now. As I see it, the main hope now is to avoid total humiliation and this should be achieved, as England should be able to struggle through against the might of Canada and Kenya, but anything more than that would be a bonus. Finishing last in the Super 8s would not look too impressive, but that is where Eng are expected to finish according to the rankings, so 7th should be considered a triumph!
I always find “A” team selections interesting and often inexplicable. This one is a mixture of promising lads (including Compton, Davies and Rashid, but sadly, no place for Sarah Taylor) and slightly older chaps about 26 or 27. Nothing unusual about that really and, in Amjad’s case, he could not have been picked any earlier because he has only just qualified. But the selection of Jefferson is astonishing. I have always rated Big Jeffo, but why has he not been picked before and what was it that caused his selection now after a season in which he scored 5 first class runs for Essex? It must have been a very classy 5. In some ways the selection of Carberry is even more surprising. He has been around three counties now, without fulfilling the early promise he showed at Surrey. He underachieved at Kent and even at Hampshire last season he fell short of a thousand runs and averaged only an unexceptional 36. He managed two centuries, but one of them was against Middlesex and was one of the worst centuries that many of us had ever seen in first class cricket. I can only think that someone (we do not really know who selects A teams) remembered his early promise (Fletch likes an U-19s player) and decided that he should have an A tour before it was too late for him to fulfil his potential. Much the same with Jeffo, I suppose: if we do not try him out now, it will be too late. But such players are very lucky to be preferred to players with superior records. I do not think that Uncle Dunc is really a selector of the A team (because he sees little or no county cricket), but I do think that he nominates some players that he wants on the trip (e.g. Yardy, Broad and Prior) and he might even have suggested the likes of Jefferson and Carberry as they would have been promising eighteen year olds when he was involved in county cricket at Glamorgan.
Positive Matters
American motivational speakers have got a lot to answer for. However bad things get the England management always tell us they are taking plenty of positives out of the wreckage. I decided to turn to my academic guru, the Professor for his views. Predictably he had plenty to say on the matter:
Après le deluge, interviews of Fletcher, Flintoff et al have produced the tiresome, childish, mantra of "Being positive, learning the lessons and moving forward". They of course have to say something, and 5-0 gives you comparatively little to talk about, but it does seem particularly dire. It is difficult to know whether the phrase is actually intended to mean anything or not - examined individually, the thing is more or less tautological - "moving forward" presumably relates to moving forward in time, which is what we all do. Moving back, (or indeed sideways or diagonally) is not an option outside of a Tardis. If it means not dwelling on the past, "moving forward" rather runs contrary to "learning lessons" which in any case is pretty close to a tautology (if they haven't been learnt they were not "lessons").
Flintoff, in particular, seems adept at this kind of meaningful meaninglessness. Perhaps he does indeed have lessons in say "Empty Rhetoric" having bunked off "Setting a Run Saving Field". At no time are we told (presumably also part of the media training course) what the lessons actually are, although we all know that: taking unfit players, picking the wrong side and setting very poor fields were all problems of the 2002/3 tour, after which, of course, "lessons would be learned".
Of all the interviews that I saw (and I have seen most of them) I thought the worst was given by Graveney after the Third Test. Called into the studio to explain the shambles (or at the very least apologise) he sat there with a smug smile on his face and declared that he knew that feelings were running high (knowing empathetic smile to the camera) and that (of course) lessons would be learned. One can forgive the players not being too articulate, especially after just walking off the field having been thrashed, but the administrators and especially him, should be able to come up with something other than condescending superciliousness.
However, "learning lessons" and "moving forward" are, one could argue, intended to mean nothing. "Being positive" is different. "Being positive" means something in the cricketing context. Unfortunately, in the English experience, it tends to be a synonym for "getting out cheaply". Strauss was positive in the First Test, for example and his mishit (but very positive) hooks got him out. Panesar responded positively to Read's very positive call for a short single and was (positively and comprehensively) run out. Flintoff in the last test made a very positive charge down the wicket and got out caught behind trying to hit the ball over the sightscreen at a time when a hundred from him (the captain after all) was what the side desperately needed. Bell played a very positive swipe at something he could have left well alone. And on and on.
Now I don't suggest that England captain should declare that his intention is to be negative (or even neutral, if we are to continue the metaphor) but how about some realisation that in a game that takes the best part of a week to play there is some virtue in staying at the crease? Instead of "being positive" how about some more time-honoured homilies (if we have to have them at all) like "wait for the bad ball to hit", don't "hang your bat out to dry" (how many players got out to McGrath defending balls that would not have hit the stumps), best of all, how about "you can't score runs in the pavilion". The issue isn't, of course, "new clichés for old" but rather that if the players really do think they have to be positive and that is taken to mean trying to hook Brett Lee with the new ball out of the ground, then there is some likelihood that it will not be a successful tactic. Staying in against Brett Lee must be hard enough, why not try to do that? Wasn't there something in the past about the openers job being to "see off the new ball"? Why is letting a 90mph ball outside off stump go "negative" but attempting (and failing) to hit it out of the ground "positive"?
If "moving forward" and "learning lessons" are bollocks, "being positive" is dangerous bollocks. I don't of course have a solution although I think a less arrogant man than Graveney would have stood down long ago. Fletcher has been an extremely successful England coach (just think of some of the others) but his time might have gone - I do think Slater is right in saying that the coach should not be a selector.
Your earlier suggestion of bringing the Great Jack Morgan back into a central role in the national game is, of course, an eminently sensible one - some video clips of "Morgan's Greatest Innings" would show all England aspirant opening bats how to "take the shine off the ball" and how to "play for tea" (even at 11.45)...at the very least how "not to give your wicket away" - which a lot of them did...in a very positive manner.
Penguin Matters
On the day that KP was tickled in the ribs by the Aussies I also saw that Gilo was in the thirty for the World Cup. I couldn’t resist sending the following to Peter Ray:
“You will no doubt be delighted with your man's recall for the World Cup?”
He replied:
It has considerably dimmed my pleasure at the injury sustained by the Public Park Slogger - at the hands of someone whom England players announced was over the hill and totally ineffective before the start and predictable conclusion of the Sackcloth and Ashes series -, in whose abilities, despite the views of those whose opinions I usually respect - Boycott and Marks - I have no confidence.
With many games, but cricket in particular, success demands that there is a mixture of technique, natural skill and brainpower. Some, like Botham, can succeed even with a minimum amount of the latter required to sustain life, although it should be noted that his success was much less when playing against the West Indies, at which time the ability to analyse and to select favourable options could have brought him better returns. The PPS, sadly, seems to have an excess of ego and minimal intellect - some might call him a self-regarding twit - and so, even though he has certain physical attributes and inborn abilities, I have the gravest doubts that he will have a lengthy career. Vanity will always prevail and proper bowlers will always be able to use that to his detriment.
With Gilo, one hopes for the continued recovery of his wife and I wish him well personally, but look forward to his overdue disappearance from international cricket where his presence represents for me a riddle greater than that posed, in former times, by the sphinx.
I responded:
“I think that I agree about KP. The underlying problem is of course that he should not be playing for England. Gilo's post hip action looked really weird and he almost looked like a slow bowler which really should have put him on Fletch's shit list. Fletch is scared of slow bowlers being easy meat at international level and he may be right on good wickets. Despite Monty's five wickets at Perth the mauling he took at the hands of Gilchrist in the second innings substantially subdued his threat for the rest of the series and the Aussies all started to milk him.”
To which he countered:
On good wickets slow bowlers, if they can bowl, will perform just as will good bowlers of whatever pace. Obviously, batsmen will have a better chance of making runs when things are in their favour but that has always been the case. Monty is still learning, of course, and must take on board the need to bowl slower, not faster and flatter when people are after him, whilst varying his pace still. There was an example of this when Vettori caused Symonds to mis-time completely and barely roll the ball to mid-on in the last match, but sadly he forgot what he should be doing and went flat for his last over, with dreadful consequences. With Monty also, it is hopeless to put him on and give him a field where there is an automatic one or two through mid-on and mid-off! Where is he supposed to pitch the ball? God himself would go for runs with the fields Flintoff sets.
Basic principles will always apply - play in the V; line and length; do not look up to see where the batsmen are when about to gather the ball; etc - but, as always was the case, there will be days when it is not your day. They may be slightly more frequent at the international level because (i) they are using far better bats these days (ii) wickets are always covered so that it is a bit like playing on indoor net wickets (iii) grounds are smaller because of advertising material all round and the things they have to prevent fielders hurting themselves instead of running into fences. Nonetheless, basics apply and one of them, for slow bowlers, is that you make it easier for the batsman to read the length when you bowl flat. If they hit a six, they should have to do it next ball off something which takes longer to arrive unless, of course, you see the batsman twitch and know that he is coming to you, in which case you want the ball to pass him, on one side or the other.
The problem is that England has no captain - and has had none back to Atherton and beyond - with any understanding of slow bowling, how and when to deploy it, and what fields to set to it. Their only thought is that they may get a bat/pad catch on one side or the other but there is much more to it than that. Sadly, too, we have Sky commentators (sic!) who know little of the art (some with little ability to formulate a coherent sentence, assuming any coherent thought to express) and so the problem increases. Am I becoming a whingeing old fart? No! I have always been one.
I kept going:
My belief is that Fletch has plan A that is to blast the oppo with four 90 mph quicks. He then wants aggressive batting to unsettle the oppo's bowlers. Slow bowlers don't fit into this plan and potentially, in his mind, can give the oppo too easy a time.
I suppose that that is OK and Clive Lloyd would agree. But he doesn't have a plan B or any other tactic. So when he doesn't have his four quicks fit or has to play in some other format such as ODIs he has no coherent strategy. I find it incredible that so called pundits thought that England would field two spinners on certain grounds during the Ashes series. Fletch didn't want to field any!
I think he will be forced out by the media. He will get no opportunity to use his tactic before the summer and the consequent almost certain defeat in the Commonwealth Bank series followed by an early exit in the WC will have the wolves baying for blood.
But he had the final say:
Well, Fletch is right, of course. People like Warne and Murali, and Harbhajan and Vettori to a lesser extent, have been quite useless, as has Gayle for the WI.
Giles is now a spent force, if ever he was anything else. Since his injury, there is even less sign of the arm speed being greater than that of the ball that being the basic requirement to produce what we think of as deceptive flight because the batsman gets his first indication of length and pace from the arm speed. The other aspect of flight is the amount of spin, whether or not the pitch allows turn, as this produces the tendency for the ball to hold its trajectory just that bit longer in defiance of gravity, before it then dips more sharply than the unspun delivery.
With Gilo, the arm was always slow, the spin little more than rolled. Now, the arm is even slower and it was painfully obvious that the Aussies were in no doubt about the length as soon as his arm started to come over. The clock will not be turned back.
Lardarse Matters
Craig MacMillan has turned out for New Zealand in the Commonwealth Bank ODI series and he makes Lardarse look decidedly trim. He waddles up to the wicket to deliver at about Gilo’s pace and takes a pork pie from the umpire with his cap at the end of each over.
Head up your Arse Matters
The commentators on Sky were all having a go at meriting the Dean Jones award for moronic commentating when Peg Leg made his return to international cricket in the Twenty20 match against Australia. They were all praising his every move and one suggested that England looked much slicker in the field with him back in charge. This was while Australia galloped to a new record high score in international Twenty20 matches. In fact catches were dropped, misfields abounded and the bowlers either sprayed it around or served up new rinse. So just how bad would they have expected it to be if Freddie had still been at the helm?
Stupid Bastard Matters
Alec Wullers Cullen sent me this photo, from day two of the fifth test at Sydney, which will no doubt make us all feel proud in defeat. The question everyone keeps asking me is “Where does Jimmy get his cash from to be able to be present whenever England take the field anywhere in the world?”
Wisden Five, Googlies Fifty and Other Awards
The Professor and I are going to have lunch in Yorkshire in February to celebrate the fiftieth edition of Googlies. He suggested that we use the occasion to select our Wisden Five Cricketers of the Year. Readers are invited to submit their own selections or indeed any other awards that might take their fancy. You might, for example, want to introduce a special Pig Headedness award to be presented to Duncan Fletcher or a Diplomat of the Year gong for Darryl Hair. You might even want to nominate a Googlies Man of the Year Award for your favourite contributor. The Andrew Baker Fan Club will be rooting for their idol whilst others may prefer the racy style of Kelvin West. Send me your thoughts for the next edition.
The Professor has already chipped in with his Cheat of the Year nomination:
I have a new entry for your "Cheat of the Year" award...one Imran Farhat.
With Kaneria bowling to Prince in the second test, Prince stretches right forward and gets an inside edge onto his boot. The ball then loops out on the off where Imran is fielding very close. He scoops it up and sets off on run round the stumps with the ball held high and screaming an appeal. All the other Pakistani close fielders, of course, join in. The only problem is that the ball has quite clearly bounced. It's not really even a half volley. For some reason the umpire called for the replay (they soon wont make any decisions at all) which showed what anyone could see with the naked eye, namely that Imran Farhat is a cheat - and so, come to that, are the keeper and slips (at the very least). No doubt there will be stiff competition for the award but this would be my favoured early entry.
Strange Elevens
I replied to the Great Jack Morgan’s last side: “I suddenly realised that your new side are the ginger bread men, although I am not sure that they all have enough hair left to qualify.” Paul Kilvington had similar thoughts: “The "jazz-hat" would have to be an orange one as they're all "ginners" (although quite a few of them have had blonde highlights and Kirby shaved all his off at one point!). Not a very strong batting line-up and it would be a somewhat bad-tempered game with Kirby and Hayward as opening bowlers.” The Great Jack Morgan responded: “Take a gold star. Yes, they were the Ginger Warriors XI. Try this bunch... er... erm... actually, I haven’t got any more and I think I might have retired. I might have hung up my envelopes and pencils. I might have gone to the great selection panel in the sky. New Year’s resolution: no more strangeness, I’m fed up with being strange.”
But you don’t get off that easily because I still have a stockpile of Strange Elevens from Jack which have not yet been used and here is the first one:
M Norman Northants/ Leics
R Dyer Warwicks
M Jayawardene SL
H Gibbons Worcs
P Jayawardene SL
K Dharmasena SL
C Vaas SL
J Dwyer Sussex
N Bandaratilleke SL
A McCoubrey Essex & Ireland
R Perera SL
Your task, as ever, is to work out which Jazz Hat they wear.
Ashes Matters Andy Tutton, Ken Molloy, Dick Crawshay and Eric Tracey all sent me this report from the Sydney Associated Press A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family
unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.
Football Matters
Unlike Premier League clubs Andrew Baker cannot afford to give his players a car each. Well actually he can but he doesn’t want to. But this does lead to problems and on a couple of occasions he has had players arrive late for matches. Since, ultimately, it is his reputation on the line he has decided to introduce special “travelling training techniques” to ensure that players arrive at the appointed venue in good time for the scheduled kick off. Andrew has leaned heavily on the undoubted expertise of Kelvin West in developing these techniques. Their key midfield player demonstrates the “double hitch” in the photograph below.
Molloy Matters
For those of you who might prefer to see pictures of naked men Ken Molloy sent me the following:
He went on to say: “I am spending several hours a day trying to help the people who lost all or part of their pensions in occupational pension plans. You have probably read that the Government is trying to avoid its responsibilities and refusing to implement the recommendations of the Ombudsman to put in place a system for full compensation. SAGA are supporting the campaign and have a petition the link is http://www.petitiononline.com/Pensions/petition.html
People who want to add their signature need to follow three steps. Add their info, preview the signature and then approve their signature for it to be included.”
I am including this for Ken only because he used to sit next to me in Jack Harvey’s Upper Sixth Econ.
And finally Good News from Australia
I am delighted to report that Kelvin West recently told me that, following a long course of chemotherapy, Bob Proctor has now been given the “all clear” by his doctors.
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