GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 9
September 2003 Mitchells & Butlers
At last there is starting to be a groundswell of opinion in the game against the dreadful practice of sledging. Sunil Gavaskar spoke out strongly against it recently in the annual Colin Cowdrey address. The saddest aspect of it is that the side most guilty is the World Champions who least need to do it and should be setting an example of excellence to the rest of the world. Steve Waugh who has achieved so much in the game now runs the severe risk of becoming a flawed figure in the game’s history by failing to stamp out this lamentable behaviour in his side that has achieved so much. He needs to address this matter quickly before his and his team’s reputation becomes irrevocably sullied.
As previously advertised, I shall be getting together with the Great Jack Morgan at Shepherds Bush CC on Saturday 6th September. The Match starts at 1.30pm. Anyone else is welcome to join us. We plan to watch some cricket, shoot the shit and have a few drinks. If it rains we will just shoot the shit and have a few drinks.
On Sunday 7th September, on my way back “up norf”, I am planning to look into South Hampstead around lunchtime. However, I will be leaving by mid afternoon. Anyone who has been wondering all these years if I have got any taller can find out for themselves.
The Antipodean Male Model Bob Proctor has been circulating, on limited distribution, some grotesque photographs of himself and Roger Kingdon taken at their re-union at Brentham earlier this year. If anyone who has not seen them would like an instant hangover cure I will be pleased to forward them.
I have received a most welcome letter from Allan Clain. Allan was Club Captain at South Hampstead in 1959 and 1960 and then, when his career as a Consultant Surgeon took him to Birmingham, he played for Mitchells and Butlers in the Birmingham League. After retiring he returned to South Hampstead and umpired for the Wednesday XI for ten years until 1998 when he considered himself past it! Alan is now eighty and continues to follow Wasps Rugby Club and he attends their games at High Wycombe. He played for the Wasps from 1946 until 1952 and it was there that he met Henry and Douglas Malcolm who introduced him to South Hampstead.
The Season-August
Apart from the Trent Bridge wicket debacle, England have been stuffed by a mediocre side, excellently captained by a young inexperienced individual. The embarrassment must now stop and it is time for Graveney and Fletcher to depart with whatever shreds of dignity they think that they still have left. England must find leadership skills to compete at the international level.
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Ken James informs me that the South Hampstead 1sr XI is about halfway up the second of the three divisions in Middlesex, whilst both the second and third elevens are comfortably placed in the first divisions of their respective leagues. Apparently the league for third elevens is heavily (sic) populated by the over fifties and Lionel Hayward and Mike D’Silva are regular members of the South Hampstead side. Ken didn’t mention whether he and Ken Fletcher still make the occasional appearance.
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Shepherds Bush’s 1st XI are in the third division of the Middlesex League but are in line for promotion, depending on the outcome of their final game at home on 6th September.
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Middlesex have been showing some depth of character and seem to manage a reasonable score even when they get in the shit. David Nash has been getting some runs down the order and Simon Cook seems to be developing into a real all rounder. In the record-breaking match at Old Trafford they scored 554 but still didn’t avoid the follow on!
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Jim Revier drew my attention to the fact that both Roger Kingdon and he are Surrey supporters as was the late Bill Adams, the Professor’s dad. Well if you want to read about Surrey in this organ you will have to send in the copy yourselves. Suffice it to say that a Middlesex man continues to get the weight of their runs, including 279 not out against Notts at the time of writing.
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None of the TV companies seem able to keep some of you happy. Many of you will not entertain any of Uncle Rupert’s output in your homes and now the Great Jack Morgan wants to castigate Channel 4 for continually re-scheduling their highlights feature and consequently leaving him with ballroom dancing or some such on his video instead of the cricket. Personally, I find the Channel 4 approach erratic and difficult to watch. Some of it is cretinous, such as drawings to show where the slips stand, whilst Simon Hughes analyses are highly technical and informative.
*
I am indebted to Andrew Baker for sending me a cutting from the Daily Telegraph that detailed what purports to be Eric Clapton’s final foray onto the cricket field. This extraordinary event featured sides comprising 21 players each, captained by the Surrey Stumper and Slowhand, himself. Slowhand made a career best 13, featuring in stands with Dermot Reeve, Mike Gatting and Viv Richards but was upstaged by Bill Wyman who made an unbeaten 41 for the winning side.
*
It was good to see the Umpires gaining all round praise at Headingley. Simon Taufel and the Pipsqueak Kiwi must be the youngest pair to officiate in a test match, being 32 and 40 respectively. It is also interesting that neither of them is a former player but they have earned the respect of players and commentators. Perhaps this will encourage other non-players to take up this critical role.
Ron Hooker’s Benefit Match
South Hampstead’s most famous player is the legendary Henry Malcolm, but the only one who played professionally, as far as I am aware, is Ron Hooker. In 1968 the County granted Ron his benefit year and there was great excitement when the club had the opportunity of staging a match against the county side for its prodigal son.
Preparations were extensive and included the erection of a beer tent on the fifth tennis court. The game was staged on a Sunday and so the beer had to be delivered ahead of time. This presented a major security risk and various solutions were considered. Eventually the option selected was to get Alan Bruton to head up a group of Old Uffingtonians who would spend the night in the tent and thereby preserve the precious beverages. This in itself was an extraordinary risk on the club’s part and was akin to putting Mike Gatting in charge of UN food distribution.
The match day itself was overcast and rain threatened throughout but never materialized. Although attendance by the public was lower than anticipated the crowd was the largest that I ever saw on the ground.
Eric Russell scored an immaculate hundred and took a particular liking to John Tutton’s off spin which he repeatedly off drove effortlessly for six. When the club batted Mike Brearley bowled some medium paced long hops which Terry Cordaroy helped himself to, but the innings fell apart when Fred Titmus came on and he had fun winkling out the middle order, including Harold Stubbs and John Matthews.
There were various benefit type activities during the day including a raffle and a collection for Ron. As it happens, I don’t remember what part Ron Hooker played in the proceedings but I can state quite categorically that he would have been talking non-stop throughout.
Project Salvation
We have pledged to continue with this investigation into the ills of the English game until the Ashes have been regained
John Woodcock wrote recently in the Times: “It makes as little sense as the fact that when Lancashire scored 479 against Leicestershire last week two of the three prime batting places in their order were filled by a 34 year old Australian and a 36 year old West Indian, Stuart Law and Carl Hooper, who scored 186 and 117 respectively while nine Englishmen twiddled their thumbs in the Grace Road pavilion. Can you see two foreigners being given the opportunity, even if they had the same ability, to do the same for Barbados or New South Wales? Of course not and its crazy that its happening here.”
Alongside this commentary were two reports of the previous days National League matches. In the first Yorkshire beat Warwickshire with Stephen Fleming scoring 139 not out. The principal run makers in the other game in which Northamptonshire beat Scotland were Mike Hussey (123), Phil Jacques (76) and Raoul Dravid (114).
Enough said.
But then I heard from the Professor who, unprompted, added this:
…and the reason is that county cricket does less these days to support the national side than it ever has. Not their fault, they don’t have the success of the national team as an objective. But my feelings are, as you know, that the future of cricket in this country is fundamentally dependent on the performance of the England team. Witness the reaction to the win at Trent Bridge. I thought the post-match interview with Hussain was informative. He was clear that for England to win, the pitch has to "do a bit": Sydney, Trent Bridge, and possibly Headingley too. Trent Bridge was a disgrace (as was Sydney) and we can hardly count on both having these sorts of wickets available and winning the toss as our principal winning stratagem. On a flat track we don’t seem to have the talent to bowl a good test side (i.e. not Zim) out twice.
Those county cricketers that do have the talent are not, of course, eligible to play for England. It is nice, I suppose, for the very few who watch county cricket to be able to see good quality overseas players. I watched them, last week, filling in their scorebooks at the Nursery End and peering gloomily into their Tuppaware. I imagine they think they are supporting cricket in this country and of course, in a way, they are. But the county system they support is undermining the game as a whole.
More Big Girls Blouses Dominic Cork appeared in the semi-final of the C&G cup with long flowing golden locks held, or rather not held, in place by an Alice band. Since he was one of the short back and sides boys back in the nineties this presumably signifies the onset of a mid life crisis. You got a hint that there was going to be something noteworthy when he batted since the locks protruded from the back of his helmet, but you never know quite what will emerge these days since half of the guys are completely bald when they remove their helmets. Perhaps the saddest aspect of this anecdote is the quote from Cork himself: “I’m trying to look like Beckham and it’s not working.”
Arthur’s Two Seasons
Gary Rhoades watched Arthur’s great years from the score box and he has sent me this adulatory tribute
The Shepherds Bush centenary publication revealed that Arthur Gates was ‘…a promising opening bowler with 112 wickets in 1966’. For those who were there, there was so much more to that year and Arthur Gates.1964 and 1965 had been transitional years for the Bush. The old guard was in retreat with John Stark going, Bob Talbot in his last years, playing only the odd game, and Chris Langhorne playing very irregularly due to hockey priorities. If we had strength it was in the wicket-keeping department with three really good keepers in John Durham (usually 1st choice), Peter Minor and Peter Bunker. As regards opening bowlers a ‘wild colonial boy’ Doug Grantham had had some success and an even wilder Irishman Rodney Bernstein had provided support, and could also bat a bit. But these two and Durham both left after just one season. The Bush was in the doldrums.
1966 looked as if it would be much the same. In late April the club was going through its annual “all hands to the deck, we haven’t got a groundsman” panic and two days before the start of the season I found myself raking up grass with Arthur. He told me he was playing for the 1sts on Saturday. Arthur had played a handful of times for the 1sts in ’65 but to be honest hadn’t made a big impression. I knew he was a great bowler from school, of course, having watched him in matches and in the nets. As he had just joined the club committee as team secretary I almost had the notion that, with players unavailable, he’d selected himself. ‘Cometh the hour, cometh the man’ he would often quote and I like to stay with that notion, because he was the man.
After two weekends he had a pile of wickets and I particularly remember the game at Hounslow. The Hounslow scorer was a bloke called Wilkinson and after Arthur’s first over the scorer’s brother Steve Wilkinson joined us, then on Lord’s groundstaff and soon to be with Somerset. As Mostyn Christopher ran in Steve laughed ‘What a terrible opening pair’. Mostyn was funny because his run up started with two steps towards the wicket then he seemed to stumble off towards deep mid-wicket for about three steps before righting himself and continuing on his way. However it wasn’t long before Arthur broke through, eventually getting a handful of wickets and with Mostyn chipping in meant this “terrible pair” skittled them out. As the season progressed at times Arthur seemed unplayable and week after week the wickets piled up.
The figure of 112 really doesn’t tell the story, because by Cricket Week Arthur already had 91 wickets. That is a phenomenal figure as that means on average, ignoring rain-offs, declarations and Bush low scores, he was getting 7 wickets out of a possible 20 each weekend!! I went home from Finchley before Cricket Week almost certain he’d have a hundred by the next Sunday. As it happened he didn’t reach his hundred until early September. Why I’ll never know as he certainly continued to bowl as well as ever. I don’t believe he got a wicket all Cricket Week.
I was glad the Great Jack Morgan mentioned that Arthur had two great seasons, because he was just as good the next year. But in ’67 Arthur played only Sundays due to a change of profession. The Bush now had a much stronger team with Roy Cutler and Steve Wright established, and Keith Jones joining from Polytechnic. Any of these three opening with Arthur would have been a formidable pairing in ’66, as really Arthur had little support from the other end.
After 1967, with playing less, the nagging consistency went. Later that was followed by a loss of confidence. Years later I used to drive Arthur home to Tolworth and we’d talk about the good old days. He shared with me that it was only those two years that he really had the confidence to bowl his demon ball, which was a boomeranging in-swinging off-cutter; virtually unplayable. By this time he had slipped into the 2nds and even sometimes the 3rds and my regret was that new and younger players perhaps didn’t realise his ability and thought it was a fluke. For the younger players at the Bush in 1966 and 1967 -Heley, Revier, Howes, Cole and Saggers- he was our bowling hero; we all bowled with a cocked wrist and tried to ape him. 1966 was no fluke and although I saw some good bowling performances from the Bush after that I never saw such consistent guile again.
Keep your shirt on!
It was sad to see last season that when the Argentinean, Diego Forlan, removed his shirt after scoring for Manchester United he lacked the basic skills to put it back on and had to leave the pitch to gain the assistance of the trainer. Presumably his Mum helps him in the dressing room before the match.
When Mark Lazarus tore his shorts playing for QPR in a league match against Shrewsbury in the early sixties he removed them and was passed a complete pair from the touchline. However, an attack commenced and he was passed the ball and so set off down the touchline in just his jock strap to the delight of the crowd but not the referee, who saw fit to caution him for ungentlemanly behaviour.
But why do players remove their shirts when they score? It can only be a fad that we fervently hope will not extend to the summer game. Can you imagine Trescothick pulling a six into the Mound Stand at Lords and then removing his shirt and running a lap of the square before nose-diving between the umpire’s legs?
Give him a game
The Good Dr Sharp is a sensitive soul and every decade or so he brings up the matter of Russ Collins’ review of the 1967 school season in which he criticises George for not having given the bit players in his side a game. George continues to hold the same view now as he did then- that they were lucky to walk on the same turf as their talented teammates.
In George’s own words- “Now as I recall we had a seriously good team. What I mean by that is: Roger Kingdon, Bob Pugsley Proctor, Bob Cozens (still just eligible for the England under 23s), Bob Harvey and me. I’m afraid that includes wicket keeper (Proctor), 2/3 medium/quick bowlers (Cozens, Harvey & George), 2/3 spinners (Kingdon, Harvey & George) and 4 batsmen (Kingdon, Proctor, Cozens & George) as well as (crucially) a car (Cozens). We didn’t need much else”.
So what exactly were Russ’ offensive words and do they merit George’s anguish over the years? Quoting from that very copy of The Dane: “ Sharp is to be congratulated on leading the side well. He often showed a keen tactical sense and generally performed well both on and off the field on match days. (So far so good!) However, he must learn to bring out the best in all his players, remembering that the duties of the captain extend beyond the environment of the actual match.”
George’s side played 17 games in 1967 of which 12 were won and only three lost. Perhaps Russ should have explained before the season began which games it wasn’t important to win so that George would have known when to give Paul Bromiley an extended bowl instead of using Roger Kingdon’s off-breaks or Rex Churchill a bat instead of Bob Cozens, who won several games on his own through powerful hitting.
In my experience, in most cricket, the captain always has to juggle with the dilemma of playing to win and giving everybody “ a game”. At the club level, weekend cricket has traditionally been played hard and in midweek games it is usually easier and more acceptable to bring the lesser performers to the fore. I can recall all too many games in which a captain has tried to bring someone into the game only for the tactic to go wrong and for it to actually irreparably tip the balance of the match.
It must be alright because they do it like this at Mill Hill The Professor has been catching up on his reading during the long vac I looked back at some of the past issues of Googlies & Chinamen and realised I have missed the most alarming fact contained in No.7 – namely that Russ Collins is only 65! That must mean that when I was captain of the School side in 1964/5 Russ was only 25! Surely not. Surely he was always in his fifties? I can’t believe that when he used to tell us all at great length how wonderful Mill Hill were he was such a young man.
I remember in particular his encouragement to George by comparison to the great Ken York. "You won’t make a bowler as long as you’ve got a hole in your arse" was the precise phrase used to help along a 15-year-old. Each Monday the exploits of the famous Mill Hill team were force-fed to us and comparisons drawn with our humble efforts.
Strangely, I did play for WGCCC against the exalted ones some years later. They were all there: the magnificent Dusty Miller, the great Ken York, mad Franky Martin, the Sri-Lankan test player (whoever he was), Russell himself of course, and the rest of the disgraceful ensemble.
We thrashed them.
We got 240 dec. off only 40 overs. The reason why we declared was that the 40 overs took three hours to bowl. Every time our No.5 hit the ball into the building site that was to become (I assume) their pavilion extension, the whole Mill Hill side, lead by RC, would sit down. The nearest fielder would then walk, very slowly, to collect it. The No.5 in question had not heard of Ken York, and no matter what I told him of Ken’s weekly beatifications, he still kept hitting the ball into the building site.
Ken, of course, was perfectly charming after the game.
Shits
A number of my correspondents have started to highlight teams and individuals who have displeased them over the years. The Mill Hill sides under the appalling guidance of Dusty Miller in the 1960s and early 1970s clearly fall into this category. Some of you may feel that the Edmonton sides under David Evans or Tony Berry were similarly suspect. I will be happy to publish further stories of these lamentable teams or any others you wish to nominate.
So that we get exactly the right spin on this we will have a separate category for individual Ass Holes whose teams should not be held responsible for their shortcomings. I am sure that Jack Hyams will warrant multiple nominations but please feel free to give me your own candidates and their qualifications. Once I have sufficient material I will pass it to the Great Jack Morgan who has agreed to compile a Shits Strange Eleven for Halloween.
Arthur’s Hat-trick Corner
In response to Arthur Gates appeal for unusual hat-tricks, the Great Jack Morgan informs me that he bowled three batsmen with successive balls whilst playing for Shepherd’s Bush Colts in May 1959 and still has the match ball complete with commemorative silver plaque to prove it. For those of you who really care about such detail, Jack was bowling leg-spinners in that era in the style of Tommy Greenhough whose career he planned to emulate.
Match Report or
Batting on an Empty Stomach
In the anecdotes that Arthur Gates sent me I didn’t publish the one relating to the Great jack Morgan collapsing at the crease after spending the night at Arthur’s parents home. However, I did mention it to the man himself who responded in sufficient detail for it to constitute a match report.
Arthur is probably right about my collapsing after staying at Ormiston Grove. I remember both incidents, but had lost the connection between them in my memory.
In pre-car days, I would often end up at a party on a Saturday night and not have any way of getting back to Ickenham, so I would doss at somebody else’s place. Poor old Frank Foreman was my regular host, but sometimes I would let someone else have the pleasure of my company. On this occasion, Arthur woke me up about 9 am with a big fried breakfast. I wasn’t one for a fried breakfast in those days, but I could probably have coped with bacon, sausage, beans etc, but I have never been able to stand fried eggs and, on this occasion, with a roaring hangover, the sight of the fried eggs made me feel so nauseous that I (with some embarrassment) had to turn down the whole thing and make do with a cup of coffee.
Later that morning, still feeling dreadful, I was opening the batting with Eric Read on a very hot day against Edmonton on a dry, crumbling pitch at East Acton Lane. Dave Abbey was soon in action, bowling accurately and turning the ball away quite sharply with a packed offside field. I was playing him OK, but I couldn’t work out how I was going to get a run! Eventually, I decided that his arm ball was going to have to go and I swept it for 4 three times through the empty leg-side field to great (relieved) applause from the pavilion.... and Tony Berry took Abbey off! Yes! Eric and I batted for a long time and put on maybe 70 for the first wicket and I think I got 40 -odd before getting out to a tired slog. We only got about 135, but it was far too many for Edmonton as Chris Langhorne, in particular, got amongst them.
Collapsing at the crease is not quite right.... it was in the field that I collapsed. I was still feeling dreadful at lunchtime and didn’t eat anything then either; I think I had three pints of orange squash, but nothing to eat. It was also (as mentioned) a very hot day and I had batted a long time (though not exceptionally long by my standards). I also think that I was affected by the sight of Eric having the first of his fits (brought on by the hot weather) whilst fielding at mid-on. It is not a pleasant sight to see a friend writhing and jerking around on the ground and possibly biting off his tongue!
Soon after this, I started to feel faint and told Steve Wright that I would have to go off, but I never made it to the pavilion, I collapsed before I got there. I was forbidden to go back on the pitch and spent the rest of the day in the shade watching the lads annihilate Edmonton. Tony Berry (dreadful man) was going spare: his team was hot and tired, they were getting a thorough thrashing and he also had to provide two substitutes. I felt so sorry for the arse-hole. He accepted that Eric was ill, but he publicly accused me of shamming! That’s the story (does it fit with Arthur’s version?), but the serious business of Eric’s fit prevents it being a funny one, in my opinion.
No, Arthur’s version was different but any story involving Edmonton getting stuffed is worth publishing
Strange Elevens
The Great Jack Morgan, our Strange Elevens guru, supplies yet another motley Crew of Jazz Hat players. What is their common denominator?
W Jefferson Essex
M Butcher Surrey
M Lumb Yorks
A Stewart Surrey
G Lloyd Lancs
G Cowdrey Kent
M Ealham Kent
N Smith Warwicks
K Hogg Lancs
C Tremlett Hants
S Jones Glam
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 8 Now please tell me that the person who first printed a four on a piece of A4 cardboard and a six on its reverse side thought that he was just having some fun on a particular day? Sadly, game after game these tired old sheets are brought out so that the morons can wave them at the cameras, the players and the umpires. Why, Oh why do people over the age of four think that there is some good reason to wave these absurd talismen when boundaries are scored at televised cricket matches? It can only have something to do with the absurd current culture of everyone having their right to fifteen minutes of fame. In the case of Big Brother it can add up to fifteen tedious hours for anyone whose remote stops working and in the case of these A4 individuals it normally amounts to about 1.5 seconds for them to display their cretinous mentality. Do they think that the rest of us do not know what constitutes a boundary?
Perhaps the answer is to give them similar cards with “GOAL” written on them and tell them to wave them at Anfield whenever the opposition scores.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. I have now bundled 1-8 together and will send to anyone who wants them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, who named him the Great Jack Morgan, when Tour Madness strikes, avail yourself of the definitive guide to the Duckworth Lewis method and discover other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 9
September 2003 Mitchells & Butlers
At last there is starting to be a groundswell of opinion in the game against the dreadful practice of sledging. Sunil Gavaskar spoke out strongly against it recently in the annual Colin Cowdrey address. The saddest aspect of it is that the side most guilty is the World Champions who least need to do it and should be setting an example of excellence to the rest of the world. Steve Waugh who has achieved so much in the game now runs the severe risk of becoming a flawed figure in the game’s history by failing to stamp out this lamentable behaviour in his side that has achieved so much. He needs to address this matter quickly before his and his team’s reputation becomes irrevocably sullied.
As previously advertised, I shall be getting together with the Great Jack Morgan at Shepherds Bush CC on Saturday 6th September. The Match starts at 1.30pm. Anyone else is welcome to join us. We plan to watch some cricket, shoot the shit and have a few drinks. If it rains we will just shoot the shit and have a few drinks.
On Sunday 7th September, on my way back “up norf”, I am planning to look into South Hampstead around lunchtime. However, I will be leaving by mid afternoon. Anyone who has been wondering all these years if I have got any taller can find out for themselves.
The Antipodean Male Model Bob Proctor has been circulating, on limited distribution, some grotesque photographs of himself and Roger Kingdon taken at their re-union at Brentham earlier this year. If anyone who has not seen them would like an instant hangover cure I will be pleased to forward them.
I have received a most welcome letter from Allan Clain. Allan was Club Captain at South Hampstead in 1959 and 1960 and then, when his career as a Consultant Surgeon took him to Birmingham, he played for Mitchells and Butlers in the Birmingham League. After retiring he returned to South Hampstead and umpired for the Wednesday XI for ten years until 1998 when he considered himself past it! Alan is now eighty and continues to follow Wasps Rugby Club and he attends their games at High Wycombe. He played for the Wasps from 1946 until 1952 and it was there that he met Henry and Douglas Malcolm who introduced him to South Hampstead.
The Season-August
Apart from the Trent Bridge wicket debacle, England have been stuffed by a mediocre side, excellently captained by a young inexperienced individual. The embarrassment must now stop and it is time for Graveney and Fletcher to depart with whatever shreds of dignity they think that they still have left. England must find leadership skills to compete at the international level.
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Ken James informs me that the South Hampstead 1sr XI is about halfway up the second of the three divisions in Middlesex, whilst both the second and third elevens are comfortably placed in the first divisions of their respective leagues. Apparently the league for third elevens is heavily (sic) populated by the over fifties and Lionel Hayward and Mike D’Silva are regular members of the South Hampstead side. Ken didn’t mention whether he and Ken Fletcher still make the occasional appearance.
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Shepherds Bush’s 1st XI are in the third division of the Middlesex League but are in line for promotion, depending on the outcome of their final game at home on 6th September.
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Middlesex have been showing some depth of character and seem to manage a reasonable score even when they get in the shit. David Nash has been getting some runs down the order and Simon Cook seems to be developing into a real all rounder. In the record-breaking match at Old Trafford they scored 554 but still didn’t avoid the follow on!
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Jim Revier drew my attention to the fact that both Roger Kingdon and he are Surrey supporters as was the late Bill Adams, the Professor’s dad. Well if you want to read about Surrey in this organ you will have to send in the copy yourselves. Suffice it to say that a Middlesex man continues to get the weight of their runs, including 279 not out against Notts at the time of writing.
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None of the TV companies seem able to keep some of you happy. Many of you will not entertain any of Uncle Rupert’s output in your homes and now the Great Jack Morgan wants to castigate Channel 4 for continually re-scheduling their highlights feature and consequently leaving him with ballroom dancing or some such on his video instead of the cricket. Personally, I find the Channel 4 approach erratic and difficult to watch. Some of it is cretinous, such as drawings to show where the slips stand, whilst Simon Hughes analyses are highly technical and informative.
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I am indebted to Andrew Baker for sending me a cutting from the Daily Telegraph that detailed what purports to be Eric Clapton’s final foray onto the cricket field. This extraordinary event featured sides comprising 21 players each, captained by the Surrey Stumper and Slowhand, himself. Slowhand made a career best 13, featuring in stands with Dermot Reeve, Mike Gatting and Viv Richards but was upstaged by Bill Wyman who made an unbeaten 41 for the winning side.
*
It was good to see the Umpires gaining all round praise at Headingley. Simon Taufel and the Pipsqueak Kiwi must be the youngest pair to officiate in a test match, being 32 and 40 respectively. It is also interesting that neither of them is a former player but they have earned the respect of players and commentators. Perhaps this will encourage other non-players to take up this critical role.
Ron Hooker’s Benefit Match
South Hampstead’s most famous player is the legendary Henry Malcolm, but the only one who played professionally, as far as I am aware, is Ron Hooker. In 1968 the County granted Ron his benefit year and there was great excitement when the club had the opportunity of staging a match against the county side for its prodigal son.
Preparations were extensive and included the erection of a beer tent on the fifth tennis court. The game was staged on a Sunday and so the beer had to be delivered ahead of time. This presented a major security risk and various solutions were considered. Eventually the option selected was to get Alan Bruton to head up a group of Old Uffingtonians who would spend the night in the tent and thereby preserve the precious beverages. This in itself was an extraordinary risk on the club’s part and was akin to putting Mike Gatting in charge of UN food distribution.
The match day itself was overcast and rain threatened throughout but never materialized. Although attendance by the public was lower than anticipated the crowd was the largest that I ever saw on the ground.
Eric Russell scored an immaculate hundred and took a particular liking to John Tutton’s off spin which he repeatedly off drove effortlessly for six. When the club batted Mike Brearley bowled some medium paced long hops which Terry Cordaroy helped himself to, but the innings fell apart when Fred Titmus came on and he had fun winkling out the middle order, including Harold Stubbs and John Matthews.
There were various benefit type activities during the day including a raffle and a collection for Ron. As it happens, I don’t remember what part Ron Hooker played in the proceedings but I can state quite categorically that he would have been talking non-stop throughout.
Project Salvation
We have pledged to continue with this investigation into the ills of the English game until the Ashes have been regained
John Woodcock wrote recently in the Times: “It makes as little sense as the fact that when Lancashire scored 479 against Leicestershire last week two of the three prime batting places in their order were filled by a 34 year old Australian and a 36 year old West Indian, Stuart Law and Carl Hooper, who scored 186 and 117 respectively while nine Englishmen twiddled their thumbs in the Grace Road pavilion. Can you see two foreigners being given the opportunity, even if they had the same ability, to do the same for Barbados or New South Wales? Of course not and its crazy that its happening here.”
Alongside this commentary were two reports of the previous days National League matches. In the first Yorkshire beat Warwickshire with Stephen Fleming scoring 139 not out. The principal run makers in the other game in which Northamptonshire beat Scotland were Mike Hussey (123), Phil Jacques (76) and Raoul Dravid (114).
Enough said.
But then I heard from the Professor who, unprompted, added this:
…and the reason is that county cricket does less these days to support the national side than it ever has. Not their fault, they don’t have the success of the national team as an objective. But my feelings are, as you know, that the future of cricket in this country is fundamentally dependent on the performance of the England team. Witness the reaction to the win at Trent Bridge. I thought the post-match interview with Hussain was informative. He was clear that for England to win, the pitch has to "do a bit": Sydney, Trent Bridge, and possibly Headingley too. Trent Bridge was a disgrace (as was Sydney) and we can hardly count on both having these sorts of wickets available and winning the toss as our principal winning stratagem. On a flat track we don’t seem to have the talent to bowl a good test side (i.e. not Zim) out twice.
Those county cricketers that do have the talent are not, of course, eligible to play for England. It is nice, I suppose, for the very few who watch county cricket to be able to see good quality overseas players. I watched them, last week, filling in their scorebooks at the Nursery End and peering gloomily into their Tuppaware. I imagine they think they are supporting cricket in this country and of course, in a way, they are. But the county system they support is undermining the game as a whole.
More Big Girls Blouses Dominic Cork appeared in the semi-final of the C&G cup with long flowing golden locks held, or rather not held, in place by an Alice band. Since he was one of the short back and sides boys back in the nineties this presumably signifies the onset of a mid life crisis. You got a hint that there was going to be something noteworthy when he batted since the locks protruded from the back of his helmet, but you never know quite what will emerge these days since half of the guys are completely bald when they remove their helmets. Perhaps the saddest aspect of this anecdote is the quote from Cork himself: “I’m trying to look like Beckham and it’s not working.”
Arthur’s Two Seasons
Gary Rhoades watched Arthur’s great years from the score box and he has sent me this adulatory tribute
The Shepherds Bush centenary publication revealed that Arthur Gates was ‘…a promising opening bowler with 112 wickets in 1966’. For those who were there, there was so much more to that year and Arthur Gates.1964 and 1965 had been transitional years for the Bush. The old guard was in retreat with John Stark going, Bob Talbot in his last years, playing only the odd game, and Chris Langhorne playing very irregularly due to hockey priorities. If we had strength it was in the wicket-keeping department with three really good keepers in John Durham (usually 1st choice), Peter Minor and Peter Bunker. As regards opening bowlers a ‘wild colonial boy’ Doug Grantham had had some success and an even wilder Irishman Rodney Bernstein had provided support, and could also bat a bit. But these two and Durham both left after just one season. The Bush was in the doldrums.
1966 looked as if it would be much the same. In late April the club was going through its annual “all hands to the deck, we haven’t got a groundsman” panic and two days before the start of the season I found myself raking up grass with Arthur. He told me he was playing for the 1sts on Saturday. Arthur had played a handful of times for the 1sts in ’65 but to be honest hadn’t made a big impression. I knew he was a great bowler from school, of course, having watched him in matches and in the nets. As he had just joined the club committee as team secretary I almost had the notion that, with players unavailable, he’d selected himself. ‘Cometh the hour, cometh the man’ he would often quote and I like to stay with that notion, because he was the man.
After two weekends he had a pile of wickets and I particularly remember the game at Hounslow. The Hounslow scorer was a bloke called Wilkinson and after Arthur’s first over the scorer’s brother Steve Wilkinson joined us, then on Lord’s groundstaff and soon to be with Somerset. As Mostyn Christopher ran in Steve laughed ‘What a terrible opening pair’. Mostyn was funny because his run up started with two steps towards the wicket then he seemed to stumble off towards deep mid-wicket for about three steps before righting himself and continuing on his way. However it wasn’t long before Arthur broke through, eventually getting a handful of wickets and with Mostyn chipping in meant this “terrible pair” skittled them out. As the season progressed at times Arthur seemed unplayable and week after week the wickets piled up.
The figure of 112 really doesn’t tell the story, because by Cricket Week Arthur already had 91 wickets. That is a phenomenal figure as that means on average, ignoring rain-offs, declarations and Bush low scores, he was getting 7 wickets out of a possible 20 each weekend!! I went home from Finchley before Cricket Week almost certain he’d have a hundred by the next Sunday. As it happened he didn’t reach his hundred until early September. Why I’ll never know as he certainly continued to bowl as well as ever. I don’t believe he got a wicket all Cricket Week.
I was glad the Great Jack Morgan mentioned that Arthur had two great seasons, because he was just as good the next year. But in ’67 Arthur played only Sundays due to a change of profession. The Bush now had a much stronger team with Roy Cutler and Steve Wright established, and Keith Jones joining from Polytechnic. Any of these three opening with Arthur would have been a formidable pairing in ’66, as really Arthur had little support from the other end.
After 1967, with playing less, the nagging consistency went. Later that was followed by a loss of confidence. Years later I used to drive Arthur home to Tolworth and we’d talk about the good old days. He shared with me that it was only those two years that he really had the confidence to bowl his demon ball, which was a boomeranging in-swinging off-cutter; virtually unplayable. By this time he had slipped into the 2nds and even sometimes the 3rds and my regret was that new and younger players perhaps didn’t realise his ability and thought it was a fluke. For the younger players at the Bush in 1966 and 1967 -Heley, Revier, Howes, Cole and Saggers- he was our bowling hero; we all bowled with a cocked wrist and tried to ape him. 1966 was no fluke and although I saw some good bowling performances from the Bush after that I never saw such consistent guile again.
Keep your shirt on!
It was sad to see last season that when the Argentinean, Diego Forlan, removed his shirt after scoring for Manchester United he lacked the basic skills to put it back on and had to leave the pitch to gain the assistance of the trainer. Presumably his Mum helps him in the dressing room before the match.
When Mark Lazarus tore his shorts playing for QPR in a league match against Shrewsbury in the early sixties he removed them and was passed a complete pair from the touchline. However, an attack commenced and he was passed the ball and so set off down the touchline in just his jock strap to the delight of the crowd but not the referee, who saw fit to caution him for ungentlemanly behaviour.
But why do players remove their shirts when they score? It can only be a fad that we fervently hope will not extend to the summer game. Can you imagine Trescothick pulling a six into the Mound Stand at Lords and then removing his shirt and running a lap of the square before nose-diving between the umpire’s legs?
Give him a game
The Good Dr Sharp is a sensitive soul and every decade or so he brings up the matter of Russ Collins’ review of the 1967 school season in which he criticises George for not having given the bit players in his side a game. George continues to hold the same view now as he did then- that they were lucky to walk on the same turf as their talented teammates.
In George’s own words- “Now as I recall we had a seriously good team. What I mean by that is: Roger Kingdon, Bob Pugsley Proctor, Bob Cozens (still just eligible for the England under 23s), Bob Harvey and me. I’m afraid that includes wicket keeper (Proctor), 2/3 medium/quick bowlers (Cozens, Harvey & George), 2/3 spinners (Kingdon, Harvey & George) and 4 batsmen (Kingdon, Proctor, Cozens & George) as well as (crucially) a car (Cozens). We didn’t need much else”.
So what exactly were Russ’ offensive words and do they merit George’s anguish over the years? Quoting from that very copy of The Dane: “ Sharp is to be congratulated on leading the side well. He often showed a keen tactical sense and generally performed well both on and off the field on match days. (So far so good!) However, he must learn to bring out the best in all his players, remembering that the duties of the captain extend beyond the environment of the actual match.”
George’s side played 17 games in 1967 of which 12 were won and only three lost. Perhaps Russ should have explained before the season began which games it wasn’t important to win so that George would have known when to give Paul Bromiley an extended bowl instead of using Roger Kingdon’s off-breaks or Rex Churchill a bat instead of Bob Cozens, who won several games on his own through powerful hitting.
In my experience, in most cricket, the captain always has to juggle with the dilemma of playing to win and giving everybody “ a game”. At the club level, weekend cricket has traditionally been played hard and in midweek games it is usually easier and more acceptable to bring the lesser performers to the fore. I can recall all too many games in which a captain has tried to bring someone into the game only for the tactic to go wrong and for it to actually irreparably tip the balance of the match.
It must be alright because they do it like this at Mill Hill The Professor has been catching up on his reading during the long vac I looked back at some of the past issues of Googlies & Chinamen and realised I have missed the most alarming fact contained in No.7 – namely that Russ Collins is only 65! That must mean that when I was captain of the School side in 1964/5 Russ was only 25! Surely not. Surely he was always in his fifties? I can’t believe that when he used to tell us all at great length how wonderful Mill Hill were he was such a young man.
I remember in particular his encouragement to George by comparison to the great Ken York. "You won’t make a bowler as long as you’ve got a hole in your arse" was the precise phrase used to help along a 15-year-old. Each Monday the exploits of the famous Mill Hill team were force-fed to us and comparisons drawn with our humble efforts.
Strangely, I did play for WGCCC against the exalted ones some years later. They were all there: the magnificent Dusty Miller, the great Ken York, mad Franky Martin, the Sri-Lankan test player (whoever he was), Russell himself of course, and the rest of the disgraceful ensemble.
We thrashed them.
We got 240 dec. off only 40 overs. The reason why we declared was that the 40 overs took three hours to bowl. Every time our No.5 hit the ball into the building site that was to become (I assume) their pavilion extension, the whole Mill Hill side, lead by RC, would sit down. The nearest fielder would then walk, very slowly, to collect it. The No.5 in question had not heard of Ken York, and no matter what I told him of Ken’s weekly beatifications, he still kept hitting the ball into the building site.
Ken, of course, was perfectly charming after the game.
Shits
A number of my correspondents have started to highlight teams and individuals who have displeased them over the years. The Mill Hill sides under the appalling guidance of Dusty Miller in the 1960s and early 1970s clearly fall into this category. Some of you may feel that the Edmonton sides under David Evans or Tony Berry were similarly suspect. I will be happy to publish further stories of these lamentable teams or any others you wish to nominate.
So that we get exactly the right spin on this we will have a separate category for individual Ass Holes whose teams should not be held responsible for their shortcomings. I am sure that Jack Hyams will warrant multiple nominations but please feel free to give me your own candidates and their qualifications. Once I have sufficient material I will pass it to the Great Jack Morgan who has agreed to compile a Shits Strange Eleven for Halloween.
Arthur’s Hat-trick Corner
In response to Arthur Gates appeal for unusual hat-tricks, the Great Jack Morgan informs me that he bowled three batsmen with successive balls whilst playing for Shepherd’s Bush Colts in May 1959 and still has the match ball complete with commemorative silver plaque to prove it. For those of you who really care about such detail, Jack was bowling leg-spinners in that era in the style of Tommy Greenhough whose career he planned to emulate.
Match Report or
Batting on an Empty Stomach
In the anecdotes that Arthur Gates sent me I didn’t publish the one relating to the Great jack Morgan collapsing at the crease after spending the night at Arthur’s parents home. However, I did mention it to the man himself who responded in sufficient detail for it to constitute a match report.
Arthur is probably right about my collapsing after staying at Ormiston Grove. I remember both incidents, but had lost the connection between them in my memory.
In pre-car days, I would often end up at a party on a Saturday night and not have any way of getting back to Ickenham, so I would doss at somebody else’s place. Poor old Frank Foreman was my regular host, but sometimes I would let someone else have the pleasure of my company. On this occasion, Arthur woke me up about 9 am with a big fried breakfast. I wasn’t one for a fried breakfast in those days, but I could probably have coped with bacon, sausage, beans etc, but I have never been able to stand fried eggs and, on this occasion, with a roaring hangover, the sight of the fried eggs made me feel so nauseous that I (with some embarrassment) had to turn down the whole thing and make do with a cup of coffee.
Later that morning, still feeling dreadful, I was opening the batting with Eric Read on a very hot day against Edmonton on a dry, crumbling pitch at East Acton Lane. Dave Abbey was soon in action, bowling accurately and turning the ball away quite sharply with a packed offside field. I was playing him OK, but I couldn’t work out how I was going to get a run! Eventually, I decided that his arm ball was going to have to go and I swept it for 4 three times through the empty leg-side field to great (relieved) applause from the pavilion.... and Tony Berry took Abbey off! Yes! Eric and I batted for a long time and put on maybe 70 for the first wicket and I think I got 40 -odd before getting out to a tired slog. We only got about 135, but it was far too many for Edmonton as Chris Langhorne, in particular, got amongst them.
Collapsing at the crease is not quite right.... it was in the field that I collapsed. I was still feeling dreadful at lunchtime and didn’t eat anything then either; I think I had three pints of orange squash, but nothing to eat. It was also (as mentioned) a very hot day and I had batted a long time (though not exceptionally long by my standards). I also think that I was affected by the sight of Eric having the first of his fits (brought on by the hot weather) whilst fielding at mid-on. It is not a pleasant sight to see a friend writhing and jerking around on the ground and possibly biting off his tongue!
Soon after this, I started to feel faint and told Steve Wright that I would have to go off, but I never made it to the pavilion, I collapsed before I got there. I was forbidden to go back on the pitch and spent the rest of the day in the shade watching the lads annihilate Edmonton. Tony Berry (dreadful man) was going spare: his team was hot and tired, they were getting a thorough thrashing and he also had to provide two substitutes. I felt so sorry for the arse-hole. He accepted that Eric was ill, but he publicly accused me of shamming! That’s the story (does it fit with Arthur’s version?), but the serious business of Eric’s fit prevents it being a funny one, in my opinion.
No, Arthur’s version was different but any story involving Edmonton getting stuffed is worth publishing
Strange Elevens
The Great Jack Morgan, our Strange Elevens guru, supplies yet another motley Crew of Jazz Hat players. What is their common denominator?
W Jefferson Essex
M Butcher Surrey
M Lumb Yorks
A Stewart Surrey
G Lloyd Lancs
G Cowdrey Kent
M Ealham Kent
N Smith Warwicks
K Hogg Lancs
C Tremlett Hants
S Jones Glam
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 8 Now please tell me that the person who first printed a four on a piece of A4 cardboard and a six on its reverse side thought that he was just having some fun on a particular day? Sadly, game after game these tired old sheets are brought out so that the morons can wave them at the cameras, the players and the umpires. Why, Oh why do people over the age of four think that there is some good reason to wave these absurd talismen when boundaries are scored at televised cricket matches? It can only have something to do with the absurd current culture of everyone having their right to fifteen minutes of fame. In the case of Big Brother it can add up to fifteen tedious hours for anyone whose remote stops working and in the case of these A4 individuals it normally amounts to about 1.5 seconds for them to display their cretinous mentality. Do they think that the rest of us do not know what constitutes a boundary?
Perhaps the answer is to give them similar cards with “GOAL” written on them and tell them to wave them at Anfield whenever the opposition scores.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. I have now bundled 1-8 together and will send to anyone who wants them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, who named him the Great Jack Morgan, when Tour Madness strikes, avail yourself of the definitive guide to the Duckworth Lewis method and discover other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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