GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 61
January 2008
Old Wanker’s Almanac
As luck would have it I bumped into the Old Wanker again over the Christmas period and he gave me his sagely predictions for the coming year:
January:
QPR win their third round tie at Stamford Bridge.
Peter Moores in desperation, after his successive defeats to India and Sri Lanka, contacts Duncan Fletcher for advice about the upcoming tour of New Zealand. Geraint Jones, Simon Jones and Freddie Flintoff are subsequently named in the fifteen strong tour party. Ashley Giles agrees to be on stand by.
Freddie has to fly first class to New Zealand to accommodate his wheel chair. On arrival he tells the press he expects to be 98% fit for the tests.
February:
The first three English wickets to fall in the opening test at Christchurch are all run outs. Peg Leg explains to a puzzled media that the side never practises running between the wickets because they are all good mates and it shouldn’t be necessary.
Freddie bowls four balls in the nets and declares that he is fit for the second test.
England ends up with only three front line bowlers in the second test when Freddie completes his only over bowling off spinners.
Fabio Capello is interviewed after England loses their first game under his management. Smiling throughout he fails to string a sentence together but says something along the lines of “Fine players, good opposition, many injuries, silly mistakes, can only get better, must use long ball”.
March:
David Beckham fails to get any publicity in America and so joins the Spice Girls Tour. Nobody notices.
Arsenal reserves win the Carling Cup.
The ECB announce a far-reaching review of the English game after New Zealand beat England in the test series.
A buoyant and optimistic Freddie proclaims that he will ready for the first test against New Zealand at Lords in May.
April:
Simon Jones breaks down on his first outing for Worcestershire.
Ernie Emburey is found wandering around in Wellington Road. He says that he couldn’t remember how to get to Lords.
Justin Langer scores 600 not out at Taunton and Somerset score over 1000 before declaring.
May:
Arsenal reserves win the FA cup.
Arsenal first team clinch the Premiership.
Victoria Beckham announces that thanks to the resurgence of her Spice Girl career her earnings in the tax year exceed those of David. She immediately divorces him.
Middlesex go into their promotion challenge with a schoolboy seam attack. The rest were all injured in preseason training.
Freddie watches the first test on crutches. He tells an excited media that he is 98% fit.
Mark Ramprakesh scores four consecutive double centuries to start the season.
June:
David Graveney says that he has contacted Mark Ramprakesh about his availability for the England side. Ramprakesh is not picked.
Banger asks when England games are going to be played at Taunton because he could be available for those.
Ed Smith takes the field on his own in a Championship match having ostracised the rest of the team following an article he wrote slagging them off in the Sunday Times.
Paul Collingwood says that the England dressing room morale has never been better and that it is just a pity that their bon homie is not reflected in better results on the pitch.
July
Graeme Smith repeats his 2003 feat of scoring over 250 at Edgbaston at then again at Lords. No one notices Jacques Kallis’ two scores of 150.
Freddie slips in the nets and says that he will be having another operation on his ankle. He expects to be fit for the Oval test.
Fabio Capello is recruited for “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”
Matthew Hoggard and Stephen Harmison collide on the boundary sliding in an attempt to save a boundary. Hoggard wrenches his knee and is expected to be out of cricket for the foreseeable future, Harmison breaks his ankle and lacerates his thigh. The ball went for four.
August:
Andrew Strauss is appointed captain of Middlesex in place of Ed Smith who mysteriously “fell against a bat” in the dressing room. Smith, as chance would have it, ends up in the same ward as Freddie but cannot speak to him because his jaw is wired up.
Arsenal fields an all-teenage black overseas side for the first time in Premiership history. Arsene Wenger says that his Carling Cup side will be all Pretty Boys this season and he will field exclusively Spaniards and Frenchman in the FA Cup, just for the hell of it.
Sam Allardyce gives his first interview from Wormwood Scrubs following his committal in the Bungs trial. He says that Ces Fabregas could have signed for Bolton but he refused to see Big Sam all right.
September:
The rains fall and no cricket is played all month.
The MCC say that their drains worked perfectly. Jack Simmonds speaking from a tug on the outfield at Old Trafford says that he is still thinking of installing proper drainage.
Worcestershire’s New Road ground floats down to Gloucestershire.
The ICC say that floodlit ten over games in torrential rain could be the next big thing.
Peter Moores has his best month since taking over.
Freddie says that he would have been fit to play.
October:
Alex Ferguson has an apoplectic fit when a thirteen-year-old black French schoolboy scores a hat trick for Arsenal at Old Trafford.
Wayne Rooney’s girlfriend, Coleen McLoughlin, joins the Spice Girls as replacement for Victoria Beckham who announces that she is embarking on a solo career.
Ron Atkinson is reinstated as a TV commentator. He calls Fabio Capello a “Slimy Spic” on air and is immediately fired again.
November:
Mark Ramprakesh, who scored 2365 runs at an average of over 100 during the season, is not selected for the winter tour. Peter Moores says that his chances of selection would improve if he took up wicket keeping.
Celebrity Big Brother has to be cancelled when none of the other participants are prepared to co-habit with Ed Smith.
December:
After announcing that his great grandmother was half Boer, Mark Ramprakesh is immediately selected for the second half of the England winter tours programme.
Out and About with the Professor
On December 1st the Kandy Gazette carried an article by someone called Nasser Hussain. Since there was no mention of field placing in the title, I had a quick read. The essence of the Former-England-Captain’s piece was that Sri Lanka is a harder overseas tour than Australia. While this thesis might be constructed to cast a rosy glow over Nasser’s series win in 2001, it has, so far proved substantially true. As we come back to the UK, the England team go to Galle one down with one to play.
Before we started there was a general feeling that the first test offered the best chance of a win. Kandy is inland and some 1500 feet up and has a “results” wicket. Sadly…not the result we were looking for. The “stadium” is decidedly third world; we were in the grandstand (which wasn’t very) and the rest is little more than a collection of 5 or 6 tier concrete terraces with a tin roof to give some shade. Towards the end of the match the wind got up and several sheets of corrugated iron blew off in a less than comforting manner. The playing surface was similarly ropey.
To lose the toss and bowl them out for 180 odd was a great effort – Hoggard bowled beautifully – but any chance England had of establishing a big first innings lead was effectively ended by a couple of grim umpiring decisions (Vaughan and Pietersen), and the possibility of saving the match by another (Sidebottom – a bat/pad LBW).
But of course the match was all about Murali’s world record. He is from Kandy, went to school down the road, and on the second morning the place was heaving with spectators, dignitaries and (on the railings) boys from his old school. It took a couple of hours before a near perfect doozra hit the top of Collingwood’s middle-and-off. The crowd, as they say, went wild. I still think he throws and the 76 wickets against Bangladesh get a lot of mention, but I thought Warne’s quoted remark was particularly mean spirited (or just not funny).
With Cook failing twice, and Pietersen getting a shooter, it was always about saving the match – which we got closer to than I expected. Murali, who didn’t bowl that well in the second innings (too much celebrating?) none-the-less finished with 9 wickets in the match. Sangakkara batted like a dream.
And so to Colombo. The city, sadly, resembles an armed camp, with machine gun posts dotted about and armed troops on every other street corner. The “insurgency” going on in the north is, in effect, a civil war. As always with overt security arrangements, you can’t decide whether to be reassured or alarmed. Very quickly, you just get used to it.
Both teams and all the officials were staying in our hotel. They all have breakfast in their “leisurewear” kit – Prior and Mustard even wear their caps (it must be a wicket-keeper thing). At first it was rather novel having all the players around – on the first day my wife announced that she had inadvertently brushed against glamour-boy Lasith Malinga near the muesli (“inadvertently”…ho hum) – but by the end it seemed quite normal to wait in line for the toast machine behind Collingwood or Vandort (although the latter has an obvious advantage at a crowded breakfast bar). Incidentally all the guff we are told about “special diets” was belied by the heaps of food they all consumed.
Kumar Sangakkara came to talk to our group and made a big impression. He is an able and articulate man who, should he so wish, might well have a political career after cricket. Sri Lanka certainly needs some competent politicians. He spoke for about half-an-hour or so endorsing, en passant, Read as the best English wicketkeeper. He is also, so my wife tells me, very good looking. Talented, intelligent, articulate and handsome…I hate him.
Colombo is a cut above Kandy as a cricket venue but a draw looked a likely outcome from quite early on. The only real way a result could have emerged was for England to make a very large first innings score but two more very poor bits of umpiring scuppered that - Cook and Pietersen (again) were the victims. Our group had a number of “expert” hosts (aka “hangers on”) in the form of Hegg, Bond and Lloyd. The last two formed the umpires union and defended the officials who acted “in good faith”. For me it was not their faith that was at issue but their competence. I think the standard of international umpiring is very high these days but in two tests there were 5 awful decisions which all went against England. What I find particularly odd is the inside-edge onto the pad LBW when the snick can be heard 80/90 yards away.
The other talking points were the wicket-keeping selection (Prior dropped a catch and missed a couple of stumpings) and the No.6 slot. David Lloyd seems to be running a “reinstate Read” campaign (my own feeling is it is as much about Flintoff as about Read), while if Vaughan has little confidence in Bopara’s bowling it needs to be proved that he is the sixth best English batsman..
There were a couple of positives to come out of the two games: Bell’s batting, Vaughan’s return to form and Harmison’s bowling (still too short, but at least he hit the cut bit). Problems remain however in most departments and we were told that there is concern in the England camp about Panesar’s lack of rhythm and confidence. He bowled poorly at Colombo, not helped by Vaughan’s strange field placings (perhaps he’s been listening to Nasser). Both captains were very negative in this regard and at times quite eccentric.
One final aside. Colombo was at times extremely hot and sticky and for once all the water drinking was entirely justified, (Harmison drank a bottle after every over). When we came back from the game for a swim the whole England team arrived poolside. They did not, however, get in. Instead they filled a waist-high tub with ice cubes and jumped in. Sidebottom told me it was compulsory to stay in for three minutes. I don’t think any of the readers of G&C have ever been in danger of selection for the national side but I rather suspect this practice might present something of a deterrent.
New Zealand or Not - That is the Question Matters The Great Jack Morgan shared with me his agonising over whether to join England Down-Under or stick to a trip to Fuerteventura
I thought hard about going to New Zealand (one of my favourite countries) for some cricket and it is hard to put my finger on any one factor that dissuaded me, but here are some of the reasons: i) the distance (huge); ii) the cost (enormous); iii) the company (yobs’n’snobs); iv) the carbon footprint (large); v) the timing: I want to go away in January (it bisects the period between our autumn holiday and our spring one) and the Test matches in New Zealand are in March; vi) Test matches are generally played in large cities, but I am happiest in quiet places by the sea; and vii) I hear that Hamilton simply does not have enough hotel rooms to accommodate the vast hordes of England followers and while Wellington is a smashing place and the Basin Reserve is one of the most scenic grounds that I have visited, it is not actually a very good ground to watch cricket.
I also found it hard to answer this question: why would I want to travel to the other side of the world to watch an England team that I cannot be bothered to travel in to central London to watch? The answer to that, I suppose, is that a) Tests abroad tend not to be as insufferably crowded as those at home and those I attended at Centurion and Christchurch would have been empty if it hadn’t been for about 5,000 England supporters; and b) one does not go solely for the cricket, but for the whole holiday experience and the chance to see somewhere new... but then I have been to NZ before, so it is not really going to be new (though I have not been to Hamilton). I suppose that, in the end, I just decided that I was more likely to enjoy myself in the Canaries, especially in view of factors i to vii above.
So now you know
Moores Matters
We have all been very gentle and kind to the England Coach. So far. But it is time to stop. The new set up is in danger of turning into a poor imitation of the old Duncan Fletcher one. After the third day’s play at Galle Paul Collingwood was pushed out to speak to the media because he was the top scorer with 29. He told us that the team was very happy with the way the side was developing and that there were many positives to take. This post Freddie claptrap was bad enough but he then went on to say that things were tickety boo in the dressing room. When will these guys wise up? We don’t care what goes on in the dressing room or who is developing well in the showers. The only thing we care about is what happens on the pitch. These very highly paid athletes continue to produce crap performances. They continually get the basics of the game wrong and then expect us all to say, “Well done lads – good effort”. I am increasingly taking the view that central contracts are actually a bad thing. They create a cocoon environment whereby effectively the team is continually on tour and they make up their own reality. So here are a few questions for Peter Moores to ponder:
Why hasn’t someone suggested that Alistair Cook is dropped until his fielding is up to par?
Why haven’t they said it would be better to have a wicket keeper who never scores runs than one who is as likely to drop chances as he is to catch them and whose career is a net negative?
Why does Bopara get selected ahead of the countless players with better records?
Why is Harmison reinstated as soon as he is fit after walking off the tour of Australia?
Why doesn’t fielding practice include getting bowlers to get in position behind the stumps to take throws to the bowlers end?
What procedures are employed, if any, to improve running between the wickets? Do they even acknowledge the basics of who has the responsibility to call when the ball is played in front of or behind the wicket? If they do, why don’t they follow it?
Why is KP allowed to whinge to the press about how tired he is when he still only has to go to work for fifteen days in a three-test month? The rest of us have to do twenty.
With a track record of constantly injured fast bowlers why are those in the side not forbidden from diving in the outfield and from sliding around on their arses along the boundary?
Why do the batsmen not study video of the bowlers they will have to face? Having a long net against Colly and Bopara is no preparation for facing Vass. Presumably they were told that Vass swings it both ways. So why did they bat as if this were an entirely new phenomenon?
Why are the credentials of the England’s spin bowling coach no better than mine for the job? Would Derek Underwood have listened with respect to an occasional Minor Counties’ spinner?
What catching practice is done? When I saw the Moores’ regime at three test grounds last year there was no emphasis placed on taking every catch. There wasn’t even a shrugging of the shoulders if chances went down. It was the norm. There can be no surprise when this is repeated in the middle. Any catch dropped in practice must be penalised by having to do extra practice until every one is held.
Why does everyone say what a great batting coach Andy Flower is? What evidence is there to support this?
Value for Money Matters
I have just applied for Lords Test tickets for 2008. The New Zealand ones are £65 and the South Africa ones have reached £70. I suppose that I can’t complain if market forces justify such lofty levels but as a balance I think that they have to do something to ensure value for money. I went to the first days of both Lords tests in 2007 and on neither occasion were the ninety overs minimum requirement completed. The rate of bowling the overs never made that a possibility but this was further hampered by breaks for bad light. In the case of the West Indies test there was also the farcical situation of the teams being presented to the Queen, not during, but after the tea interval. This is quite ridiculous. If the teams must be presented to the Queen at all why not do it before or after the scheduled hours of play or quite separately at Buckingham Palace?
However, the real nonsense is the interruption of play for bad light. At one time a series of lights on the scoreboard gave the spectators an indication of the relative badness of the light conditions. Nowadays the umpires merely look at each other, consult a hand held meter and then offer the light to the batsmen who invariably, regardless of the state of the match, accept it.
On both first days at Lords last year the light, when first offered, would have been considered good for much of the day for a knock out final. And when the play eventually resumed the light was no better than when the players had gone off. Readers will also be aware that even if the light permits the ninety overs to be completed after the scheduled close they are only allowed an extra half hour even if the sun is shining brightly and the light is good.
So what can be done about it? How about this for starters:
a. Get technology to provide a light meter that is visible to all paying spectators and which is easily understood. It must also be used by the umpires for applying offers of bad light to the batsmen.
b. The ninety overs provision should be the minimum and should be bowled regardless of the time if the light permits.
c. The time taken for any drinks breaks should be deducted from the time allowed for the next lunch or tea interval.
d. Any player leaving the field other than for a clearly bona fide injury should remain off the field until the next interval and may not have a substitute fielder in his place.
e. The fielding side should not be allowed to take the new ball until it has reached the required rate, e.g. 80 overs in five hours. If after five hours the 80 overs have not been bowled then the ongoing rate will have to exceed the required rate to make it up. After six hours 96 overs would have had to be bowled.
f. The penalty for a No Ball should be ten runs. This will cut out long overs resulting from bowlers overstepping.
KP Matters
It was the West Indians, strangely enough, who worked out the great man. They realised that instead of welcoming him to the crease with some friendly half volleys they would stick it up ‘im and see how he likes it. The answer was that he didn’t and they kept getting him out cheaply. His Wonderfulness’ problem is that the other international bowlers have been looking at the footage and are following suit. The latest to sort out Hampshire’s Best was Malinga, who instead of trying a friendly over-pitched Yorker, skidded one past his nose at 90mph that was gloved to the keeper.
But surely this approach to the game is all wrong? After all as W G Grace famously said “They have come to see me bat not him bowl”. The crowds of Once Proud Englishmen have come to see their Protean Tonker smite the bowling of the lowly colonials to all parts of the ground the world over. Indeed it is probably actually unfair to treat the waning genius in this way. After all, he keeps telling us how tired he is and the Sri Lankans didn’t help this by making him field for hours if not days on end. No, something must be done about it. A Code of Practice must be drawn up for those games that are honoured by the PPS’ presence.
Penguin Matters, part 71
The Great Jack Morgan was the first to respond to Lord Ray’s self justification in the last issue
“It is true that there is a vast store of anecdotal evidence about Peter’s behaviour, but I also have personal experience to call upon. If Peter does not remember me, then that is probably because i) I did not treat him to a volley of expletives; ii) I was not one of those who could bring themselves to drink with him in the bar (some of us felt that it would be hypocritical to do so and would also appear to condone his behaviour on the field); and iii) I retired from the game in the early seventies partly because of deteriorating attitudes on the pitch (particularly at first team level) following the introduction of the league in 1972. Even if I can now agree with many of Peter’s sentiments, it is still impossible to forget his behaviour on the pitch. I also wonder whether readers would agree that abuse of opponents is as far removed from cheating, as Peter appears to think it is.”
Then came this from Bill Hart
"I find myself in the totally unexpected position of wanting to write in support of Peter Ray, a man with whom I had many bouts of verbal disagreement, in my time at South Hampstead. Peter is, of course, very easy to disagree with, as his views are strong, and often controversial. Quite unlike myself!
My first experience of playing against Peter was a salutary one. Early in the summer of 1962, during one of my first games for SHCC, on coming in to bat around No 8, with only a few overs to go and no chance of us getting the runs, I was greeted with one of his vicious glares.
After I had played defensively forward to two deliveries, he walked down the pitch towards me asking “had I ever played a bloody shot in my life?” Of course I soon found out that his whole life was dedicated, not just to cricket, but to attacking cricket. Once this was accepted his outbursts were always understandable.
I find myself in agreement with everything in his article against bad sportsmanship, and in particular, his comments about sledging in all of its forms. It was sad to see Dave Watson’s son involved in Peter’s comments. As well as being a fine opening bat, Dave Watson Snr was always a perfect gentleman, and matches against Wembley were always a pleasant experience, as long as John Price wasn’t bowling to you !
Every stump microphone should be removed and stuffed into the inventor’s orifice. The stream of inanities reached its peak for me when I saw Cairns of New Zealand, hit Warne back over his head into the River Taaffe, and heard the nasal twang of Gilchrist utter the immortal phrase “Bad luck Warnie”.
Of course Peter is an irritating sod, but that is what makes him such a worthwhile character."
And then I received this from Steve Wright
“I have only recently been a recipient Googlies and Chinamen but I have to enter your debate about Lord Ray of Wembley, Richmond etc. I think that what has gone undetected all these years is that Peter is the 20th century reincarnation of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Off the pitch we have a knowledgeable and friendly raconteur, somebody who has been very kind to my old club the Bush but somebody who once he has stepped over the boundary line becomes not the most pleasant of opponents and that is putting it mildly.
The first time I played against Peter was in 1967. It was against Wembley and Dicky Briance was captain of the Bush, I think that the Professor may have been playing for the Bush and possibly the Great Jack Morgan as well. It was our usual September fixture. David Watson was playing for Wembley and Wasps were playing rugby in the next field. Every now and then we had to return their ball (my, don't things change?) My memory of the scores is pretty sketchy. Wembley batted first and got about 140 and our reply was going reasonably well. I had the misfortune to be umpiring when Peter Ray came on to bowl. Mickey Blatt (ex Lords Ground Staff) who found playing at the Bush so depressing that he went to Israel to live on a kibbutz was at the non-strikers end. Just as Peter was about to deliver his first ball he stopped and began to dish out some pretty unpleasant verbal abuse to Blatt who had no idea what had caused this outburst and neither did I except that I wished I were somewhere else. Peter then explained that he was being distracted by Mickey dragging his bat along the ground as he was backing up (something that we have all been "guilty" of I'm sure).
Bear in mind that Michael Blatt was about 22 years old and Lord Ray 30+ and you can see the absurdity of this. After this Blatt practically dug a trench in the crease every time that Peter ran in to bowl and the things really started to hot up. We either won the game or it was drawn but I was so traumatized by this experience that I have always approached Peter with some caution whenever I have met him subsequently.”
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket –Number 50
The post match interview probably sounded like a good idea to a TV executive who knows nothing about sport when they devised modern programming. In reality it is infinitely tedious. A typical post match interview runs along these lines:
Nick Knight: It was difficult before lunch with the new ball moving about?
Alastair Cook: Yes, it was difficult before lunch. The bowlers moved the new ball about a lot.
Nick Knight: But after lunch it seemed to get easier and you started to find your touch.
Alastair Cook: Yes, it did get easier after lunch. As the ball stopped swinging I middled a couple and started to find my touch.
And so on until everyone can’t wait for the relative thrill of the commercial break.
In soccer it is actually quite amusing since most of the players and managers are foreigners who have little grasp of English. In response to any question they just call up any English words they can remember which rarely have any relevance to the question. It is of course very handy for the top managers when put on the spot to be able to revert to gibberish. Maybe KP should revert to Afrikaan when next asked about team spirit in the Dressing Room.
Football Matters
I reported last month on Andrew Baker’s dismay at the Away strip that Kelvin West had dressed his Ladies Team in but worse was to follow when they had their next home match and Andrew found them preparing for the team photo in an array of burlesque outfits.
Old Danes Gathering
There will be another Old Danes gathering in 2008. It will again be held at Shepherds Bush Cricket Club on the Friday of their Cricket Week. The date is Friday 1st August 2008. I will be creating a specific circulation list for this event. Please let me know if you would like to be added.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Broad Lee House
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Tel & fax: 01298 70237
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 61
January 2008
Old Wanker’s Almanac
As luck would have it I bumped into the Old Wanker again over the Christmas period and he gave me his sagely predictions for the coming year:
January:
QPR win their third round tie at Stamford Bridge.
Peter Moores in desperation, after his successive defeats to India and Sri Lanka, contacts Duncan Fletcher for advice about the upcoming tour of New Zealand. Geraint Jones, Simon Jones and Freddie Flintoff are subsequently named in the fifteen strong tour party. Ashley Giles agrees to be on stand by.
Freddie has to fly first class to New Zealand to accommodate his wheel chair. On arrival he tells the press he expects to be 98% fit for the tests.
February:
The first three English wickets to fall in the opening test at Christchurch are all run outs. Peg Leg explains to a puzzled media that the side never practises running between the wickets because they are all good mates and it shouldn’t be necessary.
Freddie bowls four balls in the nets and declares that he is fit for the second test.
England ends up with only three front line bowlers in the second test when Freddie completes his only over bowling off spinners.
Fabio Capello is interviewed after England loses their first game under his management. Smiling throughout he fails to string a sentence together but says something along the lines of “Fine players, good opposition, many injuries, silly mistakes, can only get better, must use long ball”.
March:
David Beckham fails to get any publicity in America and so joins the Spice Girls Tour. Nobody notices.
Arsenal reserves win the Carling Cup.
The ECB announce a far-reaching review of the English game after New Zealand beat England in the test series.
A buoyant and optimistic Freddie proclaims that he will ready for the first test against New Zealand at Lords in May.
April:
Simon Jones breaks down on his first outing for Worcestershire.
Ernie Emburey is found wandering around in Wellington Road. He says that he couldn’t remember how to get to Lords.
Justin Langer scores 600 not out at Taunton and Somerset score over 1000 before declaring.
May:
Arsenal reserves win the FA cup.
Arsenal first team clinch the Premiership.
Victoria Beckham announces that thanks to the resurgence of her Spice Girl career her earnings in the tax year exceed those of David. She immediately divorces him.
Middlesex go into their promotion challenge with a schoolboy seam attack. The rest were all injured in preseason training.
Freddie watches the first test on crutches. He tells an excited media that he is 98% fit.
Mark Ramprakesh scores four consecutive double centuries to start the season.
June:
David Graveney says that he has contacted Mark Ramprakesh about his availability for the England side. Ramprakesh is not picked.
Banger asks when England games are going to be played at Taunton because he could be available for those.
Ed Smith takes the field on his own in a Championship match having ostracised the rest of the team following an article he wrote slagging them off in the Sunday Times.
Paul Collingwood says that the England dressing room morale has never been better and that it is just a pity that their bon homie is not reflected in better results on the pitch.
July
Graeme Smith repeats his 2003 feat of scoring over 250 at Edgbaston at then again at Lords. No one notices Jacques Kallis’ two scores of 150.
Freddie slips in the nets and says that he will be having another operation on his ankle. He expects to be fit for the Oval test.
Fabio Capello is recruited for “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here”
Matthew Hoggard and Stephen Harmison collide on the boundary sliding in an attempt to save a boundary. Hoggard wrenches his knee and is expected to be out of cricket for the foreseeable future, Harmison breaks his ankle and lacerates his thigh. The ball went for four.
August:
Andrew Strauss is appointed captain of Middlesex in place of Ed Smith who mysteriously “fell against a bat” in the dressing room. Smith, as chance would have it, ends up in the same ward as Freddie but cannot speak to him because his jaw is wired up.
Arsenal fields an all-teenage black overseas side for the first time in Premiership history. Arsene Wenger says that his Carling Cup side will be all Pretty Boys this season and he will field exclusively Spaniards and Frenchman in the FA Cup, just for the hell of it.
Sam Allardyce gives his first interview from Wormwood Scrubs following his committal in the Bungs trial. He says that Ces Fabregas could have signed for Bolton but he refused to see Big Sam all right.
September:
The rains fall and no cricket is played all month.
The MCC say that their drains worked perfectly. Jack Simmonds speaking from a tug on the outfield at Old Trafford says that he is still thinking of installing proper drainage.
Worcestershire’s New Road ground floats down to Gloucestershire.
The ICC say that floodlit ten over games in torrential rain could be the next big thing.
Peter Moores has his best month since taking over.
Freddie says that he would have been fit to play.
October:
Alex Ferguson has an apoplectic fit when a thirteen-year-old black French schoolboy scores a hat trick for Arsenal at Old Trafford.
Wayne Rooney’s girlfriend, Coleen McLoughlin, joins the Spice Girls as replacement for Victoria Beckham who announces that she is embarking on a solo career.
Ron Atkinson is reinstated as a TV commentator. He calls Fabio Capello a “Slimy Spic” on air and is immediately fired again.
November:
Mark Ramprakesh, who scored 2365 runs at an average of over 100 during the season, is not selected for the winter tour. Peter Moores says that his chances of selection would improve if he took up wicket keeping.
Celebrity Big Brother has to be cancelled when none of the other participants are prepared to co-habit with Ed Smith.
December:
After announcing that his great grandmother was half Boer, Mark Ramprakesh is immediately selected for the second half of the England winter tours programme.
Out and About with the Professor
On December 1st the Kandy Gazette carried an article by someone called Nasser Hussain. Since there was no mention of field placing in the title, I had a quick read. The essence of the Former-England-Captain’s piece was that Sri Lanka is a harder overseas tour than Australia. While this thesis might be constructed to cast a rosy glow over Nasser’s series win in 2001, it has, so far proved substantially true. As we come back to the UK, the England team go to Galle one down with one to play.
Before we started there was a general feeling that the first test offered the best chance of a win. Kandy is inland and some 1500 feet up and has a “results” wicket. Sadly…not the result we were looking for. The “stadium” is decidedly third world; we were in the grandstand (which wasn’t very) and the rest is little more than a collection of 5 or 6 tier concrete terraces with a tin roof to give some shade. Towards the end of the match the wind got up and several sheets of corrugated iron blew off in a less than comforting manner. The playing surface was similarly ropey.
To lose the toss and bowl them out for 180 odd was a great effort – Hoggard bowled beautifully – but any chance England had of establishing a big first innings lead was effectively ended by a couple of grim umpiring decisions (Vaughan and Pietersen), and the possibility of saving the match by another (Sidebottom – a bat/pad LBW).
But of course the match was all about Murali’s world record. He is from Kandy, went to school down the road, and on the second morning the place was heaving with spectators, dignitaries and (on the railings) boys from his old school. It took a couple of hours before a near perfect doozra hit the top of Collingwood’s middle-and-off. The crowd, as they say, went wild. I still think he throws and the 76 wickets against Bangladesh get a lot of mention, but I thought Warne’s quoted remark was particularly mean spirited (or just not funny).
With Cook failing twice, and Pietersen getting a shooter, it was always about saving the match – which we got closer to than I expected. Murali, who didn’t bowl that well in the second innings (too much celebrating?) none-the-less finished with 9 wickets in the match. Sangakkara batted like a dream.
And so to Colombo. The city, sadly, resembles an armed camp, with machine gun posts dotted about and armed troops on every other street corner. The “insurgency” going on in the north is, in effect, a civil war. As always with overt security arrangements, you can’t decide whether to be reassured or alarmed. Very quickly, you just get used to it.
Both teams and all the officials were staying in our hotel. They all have breakfast in their “leisurewear” kit – Prior and Mustard even wear their caps (it must be a wicket-keeper thing). At first it was rather novel having all the players around – on the first day my wife announced that she had inadvertently brushed against glamour-boy Lasith Malinga near the muesli (“inadvertently”…ho hum) – but by the end it seemed quite normal to wait in line for the toast machine behind Collingwood or Vandort (although the latter has an obvious advantage at a crowded breakfast bar). Incidentally all the guff we are told about “special diets” was belied by the heaps of food they all consumed.
Kumar Sangakkara came to talk to our group and made a big impression. He is an able and articulate man who, should he so wish, might well have a political career after cricket. Sri Lanka certainly needs some competent politicians. He spoke for about half-an-hour or so endorsing, en passant, Read as the best English wicketkeeper. He is also, so my wife tells me, very good looking. Talented, intelligent, articulate and handsome…I hate him.
Colombo is a cut above Kandy as a cricket venue but a draw looked a likely outcome from quite early on. The only real way a result could have emerged was for England to make a very large first innings score but two more very poor bits of umpiring scuppered that - Cook and Pietersen (again) were the victims. Our group had a number of “expert” hosts (aka “hangers on”) in the form of Hegg, Bond and Lloyd. The last two formed the umpires union and defended the officials who acted “in good faith”. For me it was not their faith that was at issue but their competence. I think the standard of international umpiring is very high these days but in two tests there were 5 awful decisions which all went against England. What I find particularly odd is the inside-edge onto the pad LBW when the snick can be heard 80/90 yards away.
The other talking points were the wicket-keeping selection (Prior dropped a catch and missed a couple of stumpings) and the No.6 slot. David Lloyd seems to be running a “reinstate Read” campaign (my own feeling is it is as much about Flintoff as about Read), while if Vaughan has little confidence in Bopara’s bowling it needs to be proved that he is the sixth best English batsman..
There were a couple of positives to come out of the two games: Bell’s batting, Vaughan’s return to form and Harmison’s bowling (still too short, but at least he hit the cut bit). Problems remain however in most departments and we were told that there is concern in the England camp about Panesar’s lack of rhythm and confidence. He bowled poorly at Colombo, not helped by Vaughan’s strange field placings (perhaps he’s been listening to Nasser). Both captains were very negative in this regard and at times quite eccentric.
One final aside. Colombo was at times extremely hot and sticky and for once all the water drinking was entirely justified, (Harmison drank a bottle after every over). When we came back from the game for a swim the whole England team arrived poolside. They did not, however, get in. Instead they filled a waist-high tub with ice cubes and jumped in. Sidebottom told me it was compulsory to stay in for three minutes. I don’t think any of the readers of G&C have ever been in danger of selection for the national side but I rather suspect this practice might present something of a deterrent.
New Zealand or Not - That is the Question Matters The Great Jack Morgan shared with me his agonising over whether to join England Down-Under or stick to a trip to Fuerteventura
I thought hard about going to New Zealand (one of my favourite countries) for some cricket and it is hard to put my finger on any one factor that dissuaded me, but here are some of the reasons: i) the distance (huge); ii) the cost (enormous); iii) the company (yobs’n’snobs); iv) the carbon footprint (large); v) the timing: I want to go away in January (it bisects the period between our autumn holiday and our spring one) and the Test matches in New Zealand are in March; vi) Test matches are generally played in large cities, but I am happiest in quiet places by the sea; and vii) I hear that Hamilton simply does not have enough hotel rooms to accommodate the vast hordes of England followers and while Wellington is a smashing place and the Basin Reserve is one of the most scenic grounds that I have visited, it is not actually a very good ground to watch cricket.
I also found it hard to answer this question: why would I want to travel to the other side of the world to watch an England team that I cannot be bothered to travel in to central London to watch? The answer to that, I suppose, is that a) Tests abroad tend not to be as insufferably crowded as those at home and those I attended at Centurion and Christchurch would have been empty if it hadn’t been for about 5,000 England supporters; and b) one does not go solely for the cricket, but for the whole holiday experience and the chance to see somewhere new... but then I have been to NZ before, so it is not really going to be new (though I have not been to Hamilton). I suppose that, in the end, I just decided that I was more likely to enjoy myself in the Canaries, especially in view of factors i to vii above.
So now you know
Moores Matters
We have all been very gentle and kind to the England Coach. So far. But it is time to stop. The new set up is in danger of turning into a poor imitation of the old Duncan Fletcher one. After the third day’s play at Galle Paul Collingwood was pushed out to speak to the media because he was the top scorer with 29. He told us that the team was very happy with the way the side was developing and that there were many positives to take. This post Freddie claptrap was bad enough but he then went on to say that things were tickety boo in the dressing room. When will these guys wise up? We don’t care what goes on in the dressing room or who is developing well in the showers. The only thing we care about is what happens on the pitch. These very highly paid athletes continue to produce crap performances. They continually get the basics of the game wrong and then expect us all to say, “Well done lads – good effort”. I am increasingly taking the view that central contracts are actually a bad thing. They create a cocoon environment whereby effectively the team is continually on tour and they make up their own reality. So here are a few questions for Peter Moores to ponder:
Why hasn’t someone suggested that Alistair Cook is dropped until his fielding is up to par?
Why haven’t they said it would be better to have a wicket keeper who never scores runs than one who is as likely to drop chances as he is to catch them and whose career is a net negative?
Why does Bopara get selected ahead of the countless players with better records?
Why is Harmison reinstated as soon as he is fit after walking off the tour of Australia?
Why doesn’t fielding practice include getting bowlers to get in position behind the stumps to take throws to the bowlers end?
What procedures are employed, if any, to improve running between the wickets? Do they even acknowledge the basics of who has the responsibility to call when the ball is played in front of or behind the wicket? If they do, why don’t they follow it?
Why is KP allowed to whinge to the press about how tired he is when he still only has to go to work for fifteen days in a three-test month? The rest of us have to do twenty.
With a track record of constantly injured fast bowlers why are those in the side not forbidden from diving in the outfield and from sliding around on their arses along the boundary?
Why do the batsmen not study video of the bowlers they will have to face? Having a long net against Colly and Bopara is no preparation for facing Vass. Presumably they were told that Vass swings it both ways. So why did they bat as if this were an entirely new phenomenon?
Why are the credentials of the England’s spin bowling coach no better than mine for the job? Would Derek Underwood have listened with respect to an occasional Minor Counties’ spinner?
What catching practice is done? When I saw the Moores’ regime at three test grounds last year there was no emphasis placed on taking every catch. There wasn’t even a shrugging of the shoulders if chances went down. It was the norm. There can be no surprise when this is repeated in the middle. Any catch dropped in practice must be penalised by having to do extra practice until every one is held.
Why does everyone say what a great batting coach Andy Flower is? What evidence is there to support this?
Value for Money Matters
I have just applied for Lords Test tickets for 2008. The New Zealand ones are £65 and the South Africa ones have reached £70. I suppose that I can’t complain if market forces justify such lofty levels but as a balance I think that they have to do something to ensure value for money. I went to the first days of both Lords tests in 2007 and on neither occasion were the ninety overs minimum requirement completed. The rate of bowling the overs never made that a possibility but this was further hampered by breaks for bad light. In the case of the West Indies test there was also the farcical situation of the teams being presented to the Queen, not during, but after the tea interval. This is quite ridiculous. If the teams must be presented to the Queen at all why not do it before or after the scheduled hours of play or quite separately at Buckingham Palace?
However, the real nonsense is the interruption of play for bad light. At one time a series of lights on the scoreboard gave the spectators an indication of the relative badness of the light conditions. Nowadays the umpires merely look at each other, consult a hand held meter and then offer the light to the batsmen who invariably, regardless of the state of the match, accept it.
On both first days at Lords last year the light, when first offered, would have been considered good for much of the day for a knock out final. And when the play eventually resumed the light was no better than when the players had gone off. Readers will also be aware that even if the light permits the ninety overs to be completed after the scheduled close they are only allowed an extra half hour even if the sun is shining brightly and the light is good.
So what can be done about it? How about this for starters:
a. Get technology to provide a light meter that is visible to all paying spectators and which is easily understood. It must also be used by the umpires for applying offers of bad light to the batsmen.
b. The ninety overs provision should be the minimum and should be bowled regardless of the time if the light permits.
c. The time taken for any drinks breaks should be deducted from the time allowed for the next lunch or tea interval.
d. Any player leaving the field other than for a clearly bona fide injury should remain off the field until the next interval and may not have a substitute fielder in his place.
e. The fielding side should not be allowed to take the new ball until it has reached the required rate, e.g. 80 overs in five hours. If after five hours the 80 overs have not been bowled then the ongoing rate will have to exceed the required rate to make it up. After six hours 96 overs would have had to be bowled.
f. The penalty for a No Ball should be ten runs. This will cut out long overs resulting from bowlers overstepping.
KP Matters
It was the West Indians, strangely enough, who worked out the great man. They realised that instead of welcoming him to the crease with some friendly half volleys they would stick it up ‘im and see how he likes it. The answer was that he didn’t and they kept getting him out cheaply. His Wonderfulness’ problem is that the other international bowlers have been looking at the footage and are following suit. The latest to sort out Hampshire’s Best was Malinga, who instead of trying a friendly over-pitched Yorker, skidded one past his nose at 90mph that was gloved to the keeper.
But surely this approach to the game is all wrong? After all as W G Grace famously said “They have come to see me bat not him bowl”. The crowds of Once Proud Englishmen have come to see their Protean Tonker smite the bowling of the lowly colonials to all parts of the ground the world over. Indeed it is probably actually unfair to treat the waning genius in this way. After all, he keeps telling us how tired he is and the Sri Lankans didn’t help this by making him field for hours if not days on end. No, something must be done about it. A Code of Practice must be drawn up for those games that are honoured by the PPS’ presence.
- If wickets fall early in the game KP’s presence at the crease will be deferred until at least twenty-five overs have been bowled and the ball has stopped swinging.
- When KP arrives at the crease quick bowlers must pitch the ball up and not strive for extra pace.
- Slow bowlers must land a couple half way down the track in their first over to facilitate muscular boundaries and help him get his eye in.
- Ian Bell must never be allowed to bat with the Flamingo Impersonator lest he run him out. If Bell is the not out batsman when KP comes to the crease he should retire immediately.
- If the ball starts to reverse swing the faster bowlers should be taken off and spinners only allowed to bowl until the new ball is due.
- The new ball will only become due once KP is comfortably past his hundred.
- On these occasions a celebratory drinks break will be automatic to allow the Wonderful One to refresh himself.
- He will not be required to raise his bat in acknowledgement of the thunderous applause in case it tires him.
- KP will be excused all fielding duties as they cause unnecessary weariness. He will be permitted to refresh himself on a specially installed chaise longue in the dressing room in readiness for his next trip to the crease.
- The exception to this will be if he is required to bowl. In these circumstances he will have the discretion to decline the request. When he does deign to enter the field of play in such circumstances he will receive a standing ovation from his colleagues and the spectators alike.
Penguin Matters, part 71
The Great Jack Morgan was the first to respond to Lord Ray’s self justification in the last issue
“It is true that there is a vast store of anecdotal evidence about Peter’s behaviour, but I also have personal experience to call upon. If Peter does not remember me, then that is probably because i) I did not treat him to a volley of expletives; ii) I was not one of those who could bring themselves to drink with him in the bar (some of us felt that it would be hypocritical to do so and would also appear to condone his behaviour on the field); and iii) I retired from the game in the early seventies partly because of deteriorating attitudes on the pitch (particularly at first team level) following the introduction of the league in 1972. Even if I can now agree with many of Peter’s sentiments, it is still impossible to forget his behaviour on the pitch. I also wonder whether readers would agree that abuse of opponents is as far removed from cheating, as Peter appears to think it is.”
Then came this from Bill Hart
"I find myself in the totally unexpected position of wanting to write in support of Peter Ray, a man with whom I had many bouts of verbal disagreement, in my time at South Hampstead. Peter is, of course, very easy to disagree with, as his views are strong, and often controversial. Quite unlike myself!
My first experience of playing against Peter was a salutary one. Early in the summer of 1962, during one of my first games for SHCC, on coming in to bat around No 8, with only a few overs to go and no chance of us getting the runs, I was greeted with one of his vicious glares.
After I had played defensively forward to two deliveries, he walked down the pitch towards me asking “had I ever played a bloody shot in my life?” Of course I soon found out that his whole life was dedicated, not just to cricket, but to attacking cricket. Once this was accepted his outbursts were always understandable.
I find myself in agreement with everything in his article against bad sportsmanship, and in particular, his comments about sledging in all of its forms. It was sad to see Dave Watson’s son involved in Peter’s comments. As well as being a fine opening bat, Dave Watson Snr was always a perfect gentleman, and matches against Wembley were always a pleasant experience, as long as John Price wasn’t bowling to you !
Every stump microphone should be removed and stuffed into the inventor’s orifice. The stream of inanities reached its peak for me when I saw Cairns of New Zealand, hit Warne back over his head into the River Taaffe, and heard the nasal twang of Gilchrist utter the immortal phrase “Bad luck Warnie”.
Of course Peter is an irritating sod, but that is what makes him such a worthwhile character."
And then I received this from Steve Wright
“I have only recently been a recipient Googlies and Chinamen but I have to enter your debate about Lord Ray of Wembley, Richmond etc. I think that what has gone undetected all these years is that Peter is the 20th century reincarnation of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Off the pitch we have a knowledgeable and friendly raconteur, somebody who has been very kind to my old club the Bush but somebody who once he has stepped over the boundary line becomes not the most pleasant of opponents and that is putting it mildly.
The first time I played against Peter was in 1967. It was against Wembley and Dicky Briance was captain of the Bush, I think that the Professor may have been playing for the Bush and possibly the Great Jack Morgan as well. It was our usual September fixture. David Watson was playing for Wembley and Wasps were playing rugby in the next field. Every now and then we had to return their ball (my, don't things change?) My memory of the scores is pretty sketchy. Wembley batted first and got about 140 and our reply was going reasonably well. I had the misfortune to be umpiring when Peter Ray came on to bowl. Mickey Blatt (ex Lords Ground Staff) who found playing at the Bush so depressing that he went to Israel to live on a kibbutz was at the non-strikers end. Just as Peter was about to deliver his first ball he stopped and began to dish out some pretty unpleasant verbal abuse to Blatt who had no idea what had caused this outburst and neither did I except that I wished I were somewhere else. Peter then explained that he was being distracted by Mickey dragging his bat along the ground as he was backing up (something that we have all been "guilty" of I'm sure).
Bear in mind that Michael Blatt was about 22 years old and Lord Ray 30+ and you can see the absurdity of this. After this Blatt practically dug a trench in the crease every time that Peter ran in to bowl and the things really started to hot up. We either won the game or it was drawn but I was so traumatized by this experience that I have always approached Peter with some caution whenever I have met him subsequently.”
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket –Number 50
The post match interview probably sounded like a good idea to a TV executive who knows nothing about sport when they devised modern programming. In reality it is infinitely tedious. A typical post match interview runs along these lines:
Nick Knight: It was difficult before lunch with the new ball moving about?
Alastair Cook: Yes, it was difficult before lunch. The bowlers moved the new ball about a lot.
Nick Knight: But after lunch it seemed to get easier and you started to find your touch.
Alastair Cook: Yes, it did get easier after lunch. As the ball stopped swinging I middled a couple and started to find my touch.
And so on until everyone can’t wait for the relative thrill of the commercial break.
In soccer it is actually quite amusing since most of the players and managers are foreigners who have little grasp of English. In response to any question they just call up any English words they can remember which rarely have any relevance to the question. It is of course very handy for the top managers when put on the spot to be able to revert to gibberish. Maybe KP should revert to Afrikaan when next asked about team spirit in the Dressing Room.
Football Matters
I reported last month on Andrew Baker’s dismay at the Away strip that Kelvin West had dressed his Ladies Team in but worse was to follow when they had their next home match and Andrew found them preparing for the team photo in an array of burlesque outfits.
Old Danes Gathering
There will be another Old Danes gathering in 2008. It will again be held at Shepherds Bush Cricket Club on the Friday of their Cricket Week. The date is Friday 1st August 2008. I will be creating a specific circulation list for this event. Please let me know if you would like to be added.
Googlies and Chinamen
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