GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 15
March 2004
Charles & George
I was delighted to hear from Terry Cordaroy recently. Terry was the highest accumulator of runs at South Hampstead after Henry Malcolm. Terry was a great servant of the club for over twenty years playing Saturdays and Sundays most weekends despite offers to guest in more exotic or Jazz Hat sides. He played very correctly and I learned more from batting with him than any other player. He often, particularly on Sundays, felt that he had to bat throughout our innings to ensure we reached a reasonable target and this could give a dour impression. However, when he was able to bat without such inhibitions and play his full range of shots there was no finer sight at the crease. When I first played at South Hampstead John Weale was Terry’s regular opening partner and they called themselves Charles and George for reasons that nobody understood.
Ian McIntosh informs me that the latest money-generating wheeze at South Hampstead is to let the lounge area out to a nursery school. The kitchen has been re designed and the whole area smartened up. This may seem odd to those of us who live afar but in the modern era the current committee must be applauded for finding ways to make ends meet and maintain the ground and pavilion in a condition to enable top class club cricket to continue to be played there.
Robin Ager has been poring over the back issues of Googlies and thinks that some of us take our cricket too seriously. That from a man who never had to grapple with the intricacies of a Duckworth Lewis calculation. He also drew attention to what a small world club cricket is. “ My article on Turnham Green in G&C14 mentioned the openers immediately after the war, Len Pickering and Don Marchant, respectively fathers of John Pickering, one of the Danes' post-war select XI, and Graham Marchant, who was a contemporary of Peter Minor at school and at the Bush. John Pickering played for the Green while still at school but, if memory serves me correctly, spent most of his career playing for Maidenhead and Bray. Gillott also played a few games for the Green. When I joined Turnham Green in 1957, Clive Banbury, another Dane, but better footballer than cricketer, was a regular in the side”.
Spring
Some of us were getting quite excited at the prospect of the Indians competing effectively against the Australians and then they let us all down. The VB finals were as one-sided as a series against England. In the first game Australia knocked off an inadequate 222 for the loss of three wickets with ten overs to spare and then in the second batted first and reached an impregnable 359 and went on to win by 208 runs. The third game was not needed. Now they can call on Shane Hamburger Warne again and his duel against Murali could be the high spot of the winter’s cricket.
*
Those who watch Australian television are subjected to the itinerant loudmouth, the Ghastly Greig, commentating on their matches. He often gets paired with Richie Benaud and renders the latter to ongoing embarrassed silence following his inaccurate blurtings. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the commentary team is Bill Lawry. Goodness knows what he makes of the current team’s run rate. They score more in half an hour than he used to in a whole day.
South Hampstead at Lords
The first serious competition in Middlesex club cricket was the Wills Knockout Trophy, which was inaugurated in 1968. The carrot for any sceptical participant was an appearance in the final to be played at Lords on Wednesday 11th September.
The South Hampstead campaign kicked off inauspiciously at Barnet CC and a low scoring game was won thanks to some big hitting from top scorer Bill Hart. In the next round North Middlesex were annihilated with the Legendary Len Stubbs scoring 107* and then taking 5 for 46. Things were starting to get serious and Richmond were our guests for the semi final at Milverton Road. Terry Cordaroy scored a century and we accumulated a good 223-4. However, rain had interrupted the innings and no one knew what might be the outcome if the game was incomplete. Richmond commenced their innings at 6.10pm and I found myself somewhat incongruously fielding in front of the tennis courts in the gloom at 8.30pm to the bowling of John Mersley Matthews who finished off the Richmond innings with a spell of 3 for 4.
Great excitement ensued and we had three weeks to prepare for the clubs outing to St John’s Wood. It transpired that our opponents were to be our arch rivals Hornsey and that added a special piquancy to the occasion. Preparations included the arranging of holiday from work for Honorary and Playing members alike and arranging for the selected players to all be wearing the official Billings and Edmunds club sweaters for the big occasion. This meant that Harold Stubbs had to leave his home knit brighter than white version in the boot of his car for once.
Everyone, of course, became available for this once in a lifetime opportunity and there was much speculation as to who would be selected to play. When the side was announced I was listed as Twelfth Man. I could hardly complain as my form had been wretched during August and had recently completed the Olympic Flag, see an earlier G&C. Strangely it allowed me to enjoy the proceedings from the inside without the pressure of being a front line participant.
We were allocated the home dressing room and after slipping into our gear we trooped round the back of the pavilion for team photographs. In no time Bob peach had lost the toss to Roger Pearman and we were in the field. In fact we bowled quite well and if it wasn’t for the captain’s 84 not out would have restricted Hornsey to less than 166-6. Did I get on to the hallowed turf? Well yes I did. Terry Cordaroy got something in his eye and had to come off the field for help in removing it and so I got on for an over. The official press photographer took the following photo of Roger Pearman creaming the ball past me at short leg. Len Stubbs is at slip and Robin Ager is the wicket keeper.
We had a strong batting line up which read: Cordaroy, Ager, Peach, Matthews, Cole, Stubbs L, Stubbs F, Tutton J, Hart, Wallis, Cox. We would normally back this lot to get 225 let alone 166. However, on this occasion, no one got going and frankly we never looked like getting the runs. Nerves played a big part and when the Australian, George Cole, went to the wicket he was in such a state that it was no surprise that Hugh Pearman bowled him first ball. Our innings of only 125 lasted 53 of the 55 allocated overs.
The reception afterwards was a depressing affair for South Hampstead and we all felt that we hadn’t done ourselves justice. Nevertheless, it had been a unique day out for the club and one that every one of us would always remember.
Project Salvation The following grim reading was adapted from an article by Matthew Pryor that appeared recently in The Times
Why does the England soccer team perform so poorly when the Premiership is one of the strongest leagues in the world? One of the principal reasons for this is that it is stuffed full of overseas players who are not qualified to play for England. Cricket could well find itself in a similar position in the next couple of years as a result of European legislation and international agreements.
A landmark case has been determined in the European Court. Apparently a Slovakian handball player, Maros Kolpak, has won his case to play for TSV Ostringen, a German side. The German Handball League, as all readers know, limits to two the number of players from non-European countries. Ostringen had three foreigners and Kolpak found himself dropped, when he argued that he was good enough to be in the team. The Court, who must all be German League Handball fans, agreed with this assessment and ruled that such discrimination cannot be justified on sporting grounds.
The case has repercussions of guaranteeing working rights not just across the EU, but also with all countries that have associate agreements. The Cotonou agreement on trade between the EU and ACP (African, Caribbean and Pacific) countries means that people from ACP states are given the same working rights as a European worker once they had a work permit.
On top of this a change in the law for working holiday visas last year allowed all 17 to 30 year olds who are Commonwealth citizens, British dependent territory citizens or British overseas citizens to apply for two-year work permits. So counties can now draft in West Indian or South African cricketers of any standard and probably on economical salaries, where previously only elite players were likely to be granted a visa.
It’s hard to see the Counties gentleman’s agreement to restrict to two the number of overseas players in each side holding up, particularly when the harsh economic realities kick in. Sussex who were county champions last year have just posted a £350k loss on the back of the bonuses they had to pay out. A couple of Kolpaks in the side next year could ease the financial burden and any way they must be seen to be not discriminating against potential Kolpaks.
It seems likely that there will be an increasing number of “grey foreigners” in the English game such as the Middlesex opening batsman, Sven Koenig, who is a South African with an Italian passport. These individuals will not be eligible to play for England and will not count against the authorized quota of overseas players.
The PWC Rankings
Much was made in 2002 of Peg Leg being the World’s top batsman, by which it meant that he was Number 1 in the PWC rankings for a few months. You might think that Ricky Ponting must be Number 1 at present but actually it is Brian Lara. Needless to say the top bowler is Murali. However, no one knows how these rankings are compiled, although, apparently, an algorithm is employed, whatever one of those is. Googlies is delighted to be able to explain the critical ingredients for you:
1. The state of the pitch and the quality of the opposition is considered.
2. Players must have played forty test match innings or taken one hundred test wickets to qualify.
3. Points are deducted if players are overheard swearing during their performance.
4. Extra points are awarded for neatness of appearance. Points are deducted if a batsman’s pads are dirty – this explains why Jayawardene never features in the rankings.
5. Points are deducted if batsmen look particularly sweaty when they remove their helmets.
6. Bowlers lose points if their appeals are made in a falsetto voice.
7. Batsmen get extra points if they say Good Morning to the umpire before requesting their guard.
8. The wickets that bowlers take against Bangla Desh are discounted.
9. Batsmen have their points ratcheted up according to the proportion of their runs they score in boundaries.
10.For some inexplicable reason bowlers who throw get awarded extra points.
11.Potential members of the Top Ten are provided with a lapel badge so that umpires can identify where payola may be obtained.
Hats
I played virtually the whole of my career without wearing a hat. It was partly by choice and partly because, given the shape of my head, I could never keep a cap on. Caps were a big boys version of the school cap which could only be comfortably worn on the back of the head and, therefore, afforded no protection to the eyes from the glare of the sun.
Had the new baseball style cap with an elastic section in the back been available in the sixties I might well have been tempted to conceal my Beatles hairstyle beneath it. Just occasionally we would encounter a baseball cap in those days but they never cut the mustard. In a cup match against a works side the opposition’s opening batsman wore a yellow baseball cap with Spark Plugs emblazoned on it. Such attire could be counted on to keep Terry Cordaroy giggling in the gully all afternoon and it duly did so.
The only acceptable variation was the Beanie hat, which was a white version of headgear favoured by babies and old folks on the beach. This may have stopped bald players from suffering from sunstroke, but again afforded no protection for the eyes. On one Wednesday as we took the field after tea in what I considered to be little short of a downpour, I affected a sou’wester only to receive an appropriate reprimand from Peter Huntley, our skipper. So it was back to playing bareheaded. I can’t imagine what it would be like to wear a helmet. Last September I even saw them wearing them at South Hampstead where the ball never gets above stump height.
Nice Figure – Wrong Shape It is becoming one of my beliefs that the reason that most modern fast bowlers spend so much time off injured is that they are not built for fast bowling. They may look great in designer jeans and skin tight T-Shirts but they simply don’t have the physical wherewithal to sustain fast bowling. If we say that the classical fast bowlers build was Fred Trueman’s and Trevor Bailey’s we can identify wide shoulders, strong back and a big ass. Which of the modern crop fall into this category? Why Heath Streak and Andy Bichel do and surprise, surprise they are hardly ever injured. Q.E.D. as Jock Grimes would say.
Absentee Journalism
Jim Revier sent me this anecdote that describes another variation on absentee journalism
The articles on Naff and Absentee Journalism reminded me of an England/New Zealand Test at Lords in the 1970's which was attended by quite a few of the Bush boys. After a fairly dull bit of play after lunch and having witnessed Gnome Fletcher just drop a sitter, Arthur Gates and I decided to have a look at the 3.40 at Goodwood. Upon entering the betting tent (Arthur always liked a Busman’s Holiday) we were still talking about Fletch's appalling miss, when we were accosted by the great bewhiskered Godfrey Evans who insisted on full details of the drop: who was bowling, where the gnome was fielding, etc. He thanked us and left AJ and me to make our donations to Ladbrokes. As I never read the particular Tory comic that Godfrey "wrote" for I've always wondered how much of our description actually made it into print.
This begs the further question whether this sort of thing still goes on. Does CMJ ever nip out for a quick bet on the 2.08 at Monmore Dogs and then rely on a moron from the barmy army for a resume of what he missed?
The Great Jack Morgan Appreciation Society
My correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan has revealed a surprising number of admirers of his illustrious self. We are all aware of Gary Rhoades’ adulation that led to him providing the prefix back in G&C 2. Since then a stream of other names have emerged who hold this exceptional individual in high esteem. Collectively they amount to nothing less than an Appreciation Society. These are the charter members:
1. The Lovely Jane Richards
“Yes, I submitted reports of school matches to the Acton Gazette, but I had no control over what was actually printed. It depended presumably on how much space they had and on who got their hands on the report. Sometimes my words would appear almost verbatim, other times they would be changed, shortened and umpteen errors would be introduced. And that was just the regular staff.... then there was Jane Richards. Jane was a tall, slim, athletic girl with blonde/ ginger hair, millions of freckles and a great smile. I don’t think I really fancied Jane in those days but with hindsight that was probably an error of judgment on my part. Anyway, I got to know her a bit because she lived locally and started to play tennis and attend social events at Shepherds Bush CC and she had a spell on the Acton Gazette. At first, there was no change, but then one week an uncontroversial statement like “Morgan contributed a solid 27”, was suddenly transformed into something like “tall, stylish opener Jack Morgan played some superb shots before his handsome innings was cruelly cut short by a dubious run-out decision”. I got away with it fairly lightly at school because not many got the paper that week and I certainly wasn’t going to publicise it. I guessed immediately what had happened, so when I saw Jane at the week-end, I took her to a quiet corner and explained how embarrassing it was for me to see such stuff appearing in the paper, as I was the author of the report (which she had not realised, of course). Anyway, she offered me a wonderful apology and I forgave her instantly. Jane was one of very, very few people on this planet who liked to hear me sing!”
2. Mike Milton
Our correspondence turned to candidates for the Shits XI:
“Finchley were shits, but I cannot name them. I hated Mike Milton for a time and I thought he was an arrogant arse-hole, but he came and chatted me up in the bar after one game and I found out that he wasn’t, though all the other shits buggered off straight after the game.”
3. Bunny Hutchinson
“In 1965/66, I did not, of course, turn up to pre-season soccer training and was therefore excluded from consideration for the first or second teams and found myself appointed as the official captain of the third XI. After a warm-up game against the U-15s (in which I scored 5), we managed to field only ten men and were soon 0-2 down in our first real game of the season, but stormed back to win 3-2, with the skipper netting a brace. I heard rumours that referee Bunny Hutchinson had given me rave reviews for my efforts that day, describing me as an “outstanding leader”. My memory tells me that I then played for the second XI on the Wednesday and the first XI the following Saturday: can this be true? What is certain is that I never played for the third team again, so it is ironic that being described as an “outstanding leader” meant that I only ever captained in one school football match in my whole career!”
4. Mickey Blatt
“I do not think I excelled against your club. My best efforts, I think, were 46 in a 2s game at Milverton Road, probably in 1970, which was a game that somebody mentioned on 6/9 when P Minor was putting lives in danger on the bowls green; I must have batted pretty well in that game too as I can remember Mickey Blatt comparing me to Rohan Kanhai. I remember that whenever he did the match report, he would always describe my innings as “elegant” or even “graceful. The Kanhai comparison related, if I recall correctly, to one shot that I freakishly managed to time perfectly. It was a flashing square drive that scorched away to the deep point boundary.... except that it didn’t! I managed to hit it much too close to square cover, who made a brilliant stop and I didn’t get a run for it, but it was good enough to earn me the nickname “Rohan” in the bar afterwards!”
The Great Jack Morgan seen chairing the inaugural meeting of his Appreciation Society. His is flanked to his right by Gary Rhoades who may have been the first toady to recognize his true greatness.
If you would like to be considered for membership of the Great Jack Morgan Appreciation Society, please send a suitably sycophantic anecdote about your reverence of himself. It may, of course, be that some of you who don’t actually know him personally may have been so moved by some of his exploits and opinions that you feel compelled to join on that basis alone.
Erratum
The Legendary Len Stubbs is the latest in a long line of you to correct my waning powers of recall. He points out, quite correctly, that it was indeed he who succeeded Bob Peach as captain of South Hampstead for two seasons before handing over to Ian Jerman and Don Wallis.
Match Report
Glamorgan played Gloucestershire at Abergavenny on 23,24, 25 & 26 August 1995
Andrew Symonds eventually sealed his place in the Australian One Day side with his magnificent 143 not out against Pakistan in the 2003 World Cup at the Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg. However, back in 1995, when he was just twenty, he was playing for Gloucestershire in the County Championship and hadn’t decided whether to qualify for England or take his chances with Australia.
Glamorgan batted first and made a respectable 334. When Symonds came to the wicket Gloucester had been reduced to 79 for 5. He proceeded to score 254 not out from just 206 balls. Statistically the most significant aspect of the innings was that he hit sixteen sixes which beat John Reid’s world record of fifteen which he had hit in an innings for Wellington against Northern Districts in 1962-3. When Symonds eventually ran out of partners the Gloucester total was 461, which gave them a lead of 127.
In the Glamorgan second innings Hemp and Maynard added 302 for the third wicket but the last eight wickets fell for the addition of just 47 runs as a result of an extraordinary spell of bowling from the Indian test bowler, Srinath, who finished with a career best 9 for 76. This left Gloucestershire to score 345 in 77 overs. Symonds again top scored and his 76 included another four sixes which took him well past Jim Stewart’s world record of seventeen in a match, scored for Warwickshire against Lancashire in 1959. Gloucestershire’s chase was interrupted by rain and when they resumed Watkin and Thomas reduced them to 277 for 9. However, Lynch and Pike hung on to leave the match drawn.
In this match of fluctuating fortunes Symonds broke two world records and yet his side only just managed to avoid defeat.
Competition Corner
The Professor invites you all to join in his annual competition to predict the Wisden Five Cricketers of the Year for 2003. He tells me that Graeme Smith is a “shoe in” and so you really only have to identify the other four. For those who are not familiar with the concept the tricky bit is that any player can only gain this award once and some worthy individuals are, therefore, automatically disqualified. Now you know why people keep those back editions of Wisden.
All very exciting and while you are pondering that you might like to identify the Googlies Five Dingbats of 2003. The rules are much simpler here and anyone associated with cricket in 2003 qualifies.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 14 So what do Owais Shah and Lance Zulu Klusenor have in common? They both think that it is highly hilarious to be number 69 in International one-day cricket. It probably seemed quite a giggle at the time they opted for these silly numbers but now everyone thinks they are just stupid twats for their selections. Shah doesn’t have to worry that much because he has probably blown his future chances at the international level but they are not alone because Peg Leg is saddled with being 99 for his one-day career. “Silly boys” as the Lovely Jane Richards would say.
Strange Elevens
Last month’s Motley Crew were all the wrong side of sixteen stones.
Keith Enoch Walmsley sent me this month’s Jazz Hat team. All you have to do is identify the common denominator:
1 Andy Lloyd
2 Mark Benson
3 John Stephenson
4 James Whitaker
5 Paul Parker
6 Alan Wells
7 Gavin Hamilton
8 Neil Williams
9 Kabir Ali
10 Ryan Sidebottom
11 Martin Saggers
with Graeme Swann and Paul Franks added to the side for the one-dayers.
Travelling umpires: Ken Palmer and Fred Price (who could also act as wicket keeper, since there doesn't seem to be one in the XI).
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them:
Edition 1 includes: Tour Madness
Edition 2 includes: One or Two Short and Conspiracy Theory
Edition 3 includes: Naff & Absentee Journalism, The Russ Collins Circus
Edition 4 includes: World Cup Awards, Rhyming Slang, Duckworth Lewis
Edition 5 includes: The Cult of the Celebrity Umpire, The Great Jack Morgan, Just Like the Ivy
Edition 6 includes: Duckworth Lewis Revisited, Appalling Fielders, The SH Wed XI-1964
Edition 7 includes: A-Level Sport, The SH Wed XI-1968
Edition 8 includes: O-Level Cricket, The SH Sixes, Hitting an Eric
Edition 9 includes: Project Salvation, Shits, Ron Hooker’s Benefit Match, Arthur Gates’ Two Seasons
Edition 10 includes: Hawkeye, Morgan the Bowler, Behind the Sightscreen
Edition 11 includes: Sledging, Banter and Bankers; Points-Pointless;
Edition 12 includes: Fathers and Sons, Playing at Edmonton,
Edition 13 includes: Who’d be an Umpire, Physically and Mentally Handicapped
Edition 14 includes: Commentators, Turnham Green, The New Off-spinner
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 15
March 2004
Charles & George
I was delighted to hear from Terry Cordaroy recently. Terry was the highest accumulator of runs at South Hampstead after Henry Malcolm. Terry was a great servant of the club for over twenty years playing Saturdays and Sundays most weekends despite offers to guest in more exotic or Jazz Hat sides. He played very correctly and I learned more from batting with him than any other player. He often, particularly on Sundays, felt that he had to bat throughout our innings to ensure we reached a reasonable target and this could give a dour impression. However, when he was able to bat without such inhibitions and play his full range of shots there was no finer sight at the crease. When I first played at South Hampstead John Weale was Terry’s regular opening partner and they called themselves Charles and George for reasons that nobody understood.
Ian McIntosh informs me that the latest money-generating wheeze at South Hampstead is to let the lounge area out to a nursery school. The kitchen has been re designed and the whole area smartened up. This may seem odd to those of us who live afar but in the modern era the current committee must be applauded for finding ways to make ends meet and maintain the ground and pavilion in a condition to enable top class club cricket to continue to be played there.
Robin Ager has been poring over the back issues of Googlies and thinks that some of us take our cricket too seriously. That from a man who never had to grapple with the intricacies of a Duckworth Lewis calculation. He also drew attention to what a small world club cricket is. “ My article on Turnham Green in G&C14 mentioned the openers immediately after the war, Len Pickering and Don Marchant, respectively fathers of John Pickering, one of the Danes' post-war select XI, and Graham Marchant, who was a contemporary of Peter Minor at school and at the Bush. John Pickering played for the Green while still at school but, if memory serves me correctly, spent most of his career playing for Maidenhead and Bray. Gillott also played a few games for the Green. When I joined Turnham Green in 1957, Clive Banbury, another Dane, but better footballer than cricketer, was a regular in the side”.
Spring
Some of us were getting quite excited at the prospect of the Indians competing effectively against the Australians and then they let us all down. The VB finals were as one-sided as a series against England. In the first game Australia knocked off an inadequate 222 for the loss of three wickets with ten overs to spare and then in the second batted first and reached an impregnable 359 and went on to win by 208 runs. The third game was not needed. Now they can call on Shane Hamburger Warne again and his duel against Murali could be the high spot of the winter’s cricket.
*
Those who watch Australian television are subjected to the itinerant loudmouth, the Ghastly Greig, commentating on their matches. He often gets paired with Richie Benaud and renders the latter to ongoing embarrassed silence following his inaccurate blurtings. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the commentary team is Bill Lawry. Goodness knows what he makes of the current team’s run rate. They score more in half an hour than he used to in a whole day.
South Hampstead at Lords
The first serious competition in Middlesex club cricket was the Wills Knockout Trophy, which was inaugurated in 1968. The carrot for any sceptical participant was an appearance in the final to be played at Lords on Wednesday 11th September.
The South Hampstead campaign kicked off inauspiciously at Barnet CC and a low scoring game was won thanks to some big hitting from top scorer Bill Hart. In the next round North Middlesex were annihilated with the Legendary Len Stubbs scoring 107* and then taking 5 for 46. Things were starting to get serious and Richmond were our guests for the semi final at Milverton Road. Terry Cordaroy scored a century and we accumulated a good 223-4. However, rain had interrupted the innings and no one knew what might be the outcome if the game was incomplete. Richmond commenced their innings at 6.10pm and I found myself somewhat incongruously fielding in front of the tennis courts in the gloom at 8.30pm to the bowling of John Mersley Matthews who finished off the Richmond innings with a spell of 3 for 4.
Great excitement ensued and we had three weeks to prepare for the clubs outing to St John’s Wood. It transpired that our opponents were to be our arch rivals Hornsey and that added a special piquancy to the occasion. Preparations included the arranging of holiday from work for Honorary and Playing members alike and arranging for the selected players to all be wearing the official Billings and Edmunds club sweaters for the big occasion. This meant that Harold Stubbs had to leave his home knit brighter than white version in the boot of his car for once.
Everyone, of course, became available for this once in a lifetime opportunity and there was much speculation as to who would be selected to play. When the side was announced I was listed as Twelfth Man. I could hardly complain as my form had been wretched during August and had recently completed the Olympic Flag, see an earlier G&C. Strangely it allowed me to enjoy the proceedings from the inside without the pressure of being a front line participant.
We were allocated the home dressing room and after slipping into our gear we trooped round the back of the pavilion for team photographs. In no time Bob peach had lost the toss to Roger Pearman and we were in the field. In fact we bowled quite well and if it wasn’t for the captain’s 84 not out would have restricted Hornsey to less than 166-6. Did I get on to the hallowed turf? Well yes I did. Terry Cordaroy got something in his eye and had to come off the field for help in removing it and so I got on for an over. The official press photographer took the following photo of Roger Pearman creaming the ball past me at short leg. Len Stubbs is at slip and Robin Ager is the wicket keeper.
We had a strong batting line up which read: Cordaroy, Ager, Peach, Matthews, Cole, Stubbs L, Stubbs F, Tutton J, Hart, Wallis, Cox. We would normally back this lot to get 225 let alone 166. However, on this occasion, no one got going and frankly we never looked like getting the runs. Nerves played a big part and when the Australian, George Cole, went to the wicket he was in such a state that it was no surprise that Hugh Pearman bowled him first ball. Our innings of only 125 lasted 53 of the 55 allocated overs.
The reception afterwards was a depressing affair for South Hampstead and we all felt that we hadn’t done ourselves justice. Nevertheless, it had been a unique day out for the club and one that every one of us would always remember.
Project Salvation The following grim reading was adapted from an article by Matthew Pryor that appeared recently in The Times
Why does the England soccer team perform so poorly when the Premiership is one of the strongest leagues in the world? One of the principal reasons for this is that it is stuffed full of overseas players who are not qualified to play for England. Cricket could well find itself in a similar position in the next couple of years as a result of European legislation and international agreements.
A landmark case has been determined in the European Court. Apparently a Slovakian handball player, Maros Kolpak, has won his case to play for TSV Ostringen, a German side. The German Handball League, as all readers know, limits to two the number of players from non-European countries. Ostringen had three foreigners and Kolpak found himself dropped, when he argued that he was good enough to be in the team. The Court, who must all be German League Handball fans, agreed with this assessment and ruled that such discrimination cannot be justified on sporting grounds.
The case has repercussions of guaranteeing working rights not just across the EU, but also with all countries that have associate agreements. The Cotonou agreement on trade between the EU and ACP (African, Caribbean and Pacific) countries means that people from ACP states are given the same working rights as a European worker once they had a work permit.
On top of this a change in the law for working holiday visas last year allowed all 17 to 30 year olds who are Commonwealth citizens, British dependent territory citizens or British overseas citizens to apply for two-year work permits. So counties can now draft in West Indian or South African cricketers of any standard and probably on economical salaries, where previously only elite players were likely to be granted a visa.
It’s hard to see the Counties gentleman’s agreement to restrict to two the number of overseas players in each side holding up, particularly when the harsh economic realities kick in. Sussex who were county champions last year have just posted a £350k loss on the back of the bonuses they had to pay out. A couple of Kolpaks in the side next year could ease the financial burden and any way they must be seen to be not discriminating against potential Kolpaks.
It seems likely that there will be an increasing number of “grey foreigners” in the English game such as the Middlesex opening batsman, Sven Koenig, who is a South African with an Italian passport. These individuals will not be eligible to play for England and will not count against the authorized quota of overseas players.
The PWC Rankings
Much was made in 2002 of Peg Leg being the World’s top batsman, by which it meant that he was Number 1 in the PWC rankings for a few months. You might think that Ricky Ponting must be Number 1 at present but actually it is Brian Lara. Needless to say the top bowler is Murali. However, no one knows how these rankings are compiled, although, apparently, an algorithm is employed, whatever one of those is. Googlies is delighted to be able to explain the critical ingredients for you:
1. The state of the pitch and the quality of the opposition is considered.
2. Players must have played forty test match innings or taken one hundred test wickets to qualify.
3. Points are deducted if players are overheard swearing during their performance.
4. Extra points are awarded for neatness of appearance. Points are deducted if a batsman’s pads are dirty – this explains why Jayawardene never features in the rankings.
5. Points are deducted if batsmen look particularly sweaty when they remove their helmets.
6. Bowlers lose points if their appeals are made in a falsetto voice.
7. Batsmen get extra points if they say Good Morning to the umpire before requesting their guard.
8. The wickets that bowlers take against Bangla Desh are discounted.
9. Batsmen have their points ratcheted up according to the proportion of their runs they score in boundaries.
10.For some inexplicable reason bowlers who throw get awarded extra points.
11.Potential members of the Top Ten are provided with a lapel badge so that umpires can identify where payola may be obtained.
Hats
I played virtually the whole of my career without wearing a hat. It was partly by choice and partly because, given the shape of my head, I could never keep a cap on. Caps were a big boys version of the school cap which could only be comfortably worn on the back of the head and, therefore, afforded no protection to the eyes from the glare of the sun.
Had the new baseball style cap with an elastic section in the back been available in the sixties I might well have been tempted to conceal my Beatles hairstyle beneath it. Just occasionally we would encounter a baseball cap in those days but they never cut the mustard. In a cup match against a works side the opposition’s opening batsman wore a yellow baseball cap with Spark Plugs emblazoned on it. Such attire could be counted on to keep Terry Cordaroy giggling in the gully all afternoon and it duly did so.
The only acceptable variation was the Beanie hat, which was a white version of headgear favoured by babies and old folks on the beach. This may have stopped bald players from suffering from sunstroke, but again afforded no protection for the eyes. On one Wednesday as we took the field after tea in what I considered to be little short of a downpour, I affected a sou’wester only to receive an appropriate reprimand from Peter Huntley, our skipper. So it was back to playing bareheaded. I can’t imagine what it would be like to wear a helmet. Last September I even saw them wearing them at South Hampstead where the ball never gets above stump height.
Nice Figure – Wrong Shape It is becoming one of my beliefs that the reason that most modern fast bowlers spend so much time off injured is that they are not built for fast bowling. They may look great in designer jeans and skin tight T-Shirts but they simply don’t have the physical wherewithal to sustain fast bowling. If we say that the classical fast bowlers build was Fred Trueman’s and Trevor Bailey’s we can identify wide shoulders, strong back and a big ass. Which of the modern crop fall into this category? Why Heath Streak and Andy Bichel do and surprise, surprise they are hardly ever injured. Q.E.D. as Jock Grimes would say.
Absentee Journalism
Jim Revier sent me this anecdote that describes another variation on absentee journalism
The articles on Naff and Absentee Journalism reminded me of an England/New Zealand Test at Lords in the 1970's which was attended by quite a few of the Bush boys. After a fairly dull bit of play after lunch and having witnessed Gnome Fletcher just drop a sitter, Arthur Gates and I decided to have a look at the 3.40 at Goodwood. Upon entering the betting tent (Arthur always liked a Busman’s Holiday) we were still talking about Fletch's appalling miss, when we were accosted by the great bewhiskered Godfrey Evans who insisted on full details of the drop: who was bowling, where the gnome was fielding, etc. He thanked us and left AJ and me to make our donations to Ladbrokes. As I never read the particular Tory comic that Godfrey "wrote" for I've always wondered how much of our description actually made it into print.
This begs the further question whether this sort of thing still goes on. Does CMJ ever nip out for a quick bet on the 2.08 at Monmore Dogs and then rely on a moron from the barmy army for a resume of what he missed?
The Great Jack Morgan Appreciation Society
My correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan has revealed a surprising number of admirers of his illustrious self. We are all aware of Gary Rhoades’ adulation that led to him providing the prefix back in G&C 2. Since then a stream of other names have emerged who hold this exceptional individual in high esteem. Collectively they amount to nothing less than an Appreciation Society. These are the charter members:
1. The Lovely Jane Richards
“Yes, I submitted reports of school matches to the Acton Gazette, but I had no control over what was actually printed. It depended presumably on how much space they had and on who got their hands on the report. Sometimes my words would appear almost verbatim, other times they would be changed, shortened and umpteen errors would be introduced. And that was just the regular staff.... then there was Jane Richards. Jane was a tall, slim, athletic girl with blonde/ ginger hair, millions of freckles and a great smile. I don’t think I really fancied Jane in those days but with hindsight that was probably an error of judgment on my part. Anyway, I got to know her a bit because she lived locally and started to play tennis and attend social events at Shepherds Bush CC and she had a spell on the Acton Gazette. At first, there was no change, but then one week an uncontroversial statement like “Morgan contributed a solid 27”, was suddenly transformed into something like “tall, stylish opener Jack Morgan played some superb shots before his handsome innings was cruelly cut short by a dubious run-out decision”. I got away with it fairly lightly at school because not many got the paper that week and I certainly wasn’t going to publicise it. I guessed immediately what had happened, so when I saw Jane at the week-end, I took her to a quiet corner and explained how embarrassing it was for me to see such stuff appearing in the paper, as I was the author of the report (which she had not realised, of course). Anyway, she offered me a wonderful apology and I forgave her instantly. Jane was one of very, very few people on this planet who liked to hear me sing!”
2. Mike Milton
Our correspondence turned to candidates for the Shits XI:
“Finchley were shits, but I cannot name them. I hated Mike Milton for a time and I thought he was an arrogant arse-hole, but he came and chatted me up in the bar after one game and I found out that he wasn’t, though all the other shits buggered off straight after the game.”
3. Bunny Hutchinson
“In 1965/66, I did not, of course, turn up to pre-season soccer training and was therefore excluded from consideration for the first or second teams and found myself appointed as the official captain of the third XI. After a warm-up game against the U-15s (in which I scored 5), we managed to field only ten men and were soon 0-2 down in our first real game of the season, but stormed back to win 3-2, with the skipper netting a brace. I heard rumours that referee Bunny Hutchinson had given me rave reviews for my efforts that day, describing me as an “outstanding leader”. My memory tells me that I then played for the second XI on the Wednesday and the first XI the following Saturday: can this be true? What is certain is that I never played for the third team again, so it is ironic that being described as an “outstanding leader” meant that I only ever captained in one school football match in my whole career!”
4. Mickey Blatt
“I do not think I excelled against your club. My best efforts, I think, were 46 in a 2s game at Milverton Road, probably in 1970, which was a game that somebody mentioned on 6/9 when P Minor was putting lives in danger on the bowls green; I must have batted pretty well in that game too as I can remember Mickey Blatt comparing me to Rohan Kanhai. I remember that whenever he did the match report, he would always describe my innings as “elegant” or even “graceful. The Kanhai comparison related, if I recall correctly, to one shot that I freakishly managed to time perfectly. It was a flashing square drive that scorched away to the deep point boundary.... except that it didn’t! I managed to hit it much too close to square cover, who made a brilliant stop and I didn’t get a run for it, but it was good enough to earn me the nickname “Rohan” in the bar afterwards!”
The Great Jack Morgan seen chairing the inaugural meeting of his Appreciation Society. His is flanked to his right by Gary Rhoades who may have been the first toady to recognize his true greatness.
If you would like to be considered for membership of the Great Jack Morgan Appreciation Society, please send a suitably sycophantic anecdote about your reverence of himself. It may, of course, be that some of you who don’t actually know him personally may have been so moved by some of his exploits and opinions that you feel compelled to join on that basis alone.
Erratum
The Legendary Len Stubbs is the latest in a long line of you to correct my waning powers of recall. He points out, quite correctly, that it was indeed he who succeeded Bob Peach as captain of South Hampstead for two seasons before handing over to Ian Jerman and Don Wallis.
Match Report
Glamorgan played Gloucestershire at Abergavenny on 23,24, 25 & 26 August 1995
Andrew Symonds eventually sealed his place in the Australian One Day side with his magnificent 143 not out against Pakistan in the 2003 World Cup at the Wanderers Stadium, Johannesburg. However, back in 1995, when he was just twenty, he was playing for Gloucestershire in the County Championship and hadn’t decided whether to qualify for England or take his chances with Australia.
Glamorgan batted first and made a respectable 334. When Symonds came to the wicket Gloucester had been reduced to 79 for 5. He proceeded to score 254 not out from just 206 balls. Statistically the most significant aspect of the innings was that he hit sixteen sixes which beat John Reid’s world record of fifteen which he had hit in an innings for Wellington against Northern Districts in 1962-3. When Symonds eventually ran out of partners the Gloucester total was 461, which gave them a lead of 127.
In the Glamorgan second innings Hemp and Maynard added 302 for the third wicket but the last eight wickets fell for the addition of just 47 runs as a result of an extraordinary spell of bowling from the Indian test bowler, Srinath, who finished with a career best 9 for 76. This left Gloucestershire to score 345 in 77 overs. Symonds again top scored and his 76 included another four sixes which took him well past Jim Stewart’s world record of seventeen in a match, scored for Warwickshire against Lancashire in 1959. Gloucestershire’s chase was interrupted by rain and when they resumed Watkin and Thomas reduced them to 277 for 9. However, Lynch and Pike hung on to leave the match drawn.
In this match of fluctuating fortunes Symonds broke two world records and yet his side only just managed to avoid defeat.
Competition Corner
The Professor invites you all to join in his annual competition to predict the Wisden Five Cricketers of the Year for 2003. He tells me that Graeme Smith is a “shoe in” and so you really only have to identify the other four. For those who are not familiar with the concept the tricky bit is that any player can only gain this award once and some worthy individuals are, therefore, automatically disqualified. Now you know why people keep those back editions of Wisden.
All very exciting and while you are pondering that you might like to identify the Googlies Five Dingbats of 2003. The rules are much simpler here and anyone associated with cricket in 2003 qualifies.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 14 So what do Owais Shah and Lance Zulu Klusenor have in common? They both think that it is highly hilarious to be number 69 in International one-day cricket. It probably seemed quite a giggle at the time they opted for these silly numbers but now everyone thinks they are just stupid twats for their selections. Shah doesn’t have to worry that much because he has probably blown his future chances at the international level but they are not alone because Peg Leg is saddled with being 99 for his one-day career. “Silly boys” as the Lovely Jane Richards would say.
Strange Elevens
Last month’s Motley Crew were all the wrong side of sixteen stones.
Keith Enoch Walmsley sent me this month’s Jazz Hat team. All you have to do is identify the common denominator:
1 Andy Lloyd
2 Mark Benson
3 John Stephenson
4 James Whitaker
5 Paul Parker
6 Alan Wells
7 Gavin Hamilton
8 Neil Williams
9 Kabir Ali
10 Ryan Sidebottom
11 Martin Saggers
with Graeme Swann and Paul Franks added to the side for the one-dayers.
Travelling umpires: Ken Palmer and Fred Price (who could also act as wicket keeper, since there doesn't seem to be one in the XI).
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them:
Edition 1 includes: Tour Madness
Edition 2 includes: One or Two Short and Conspiracy Theory
Edition 3 includes: Naff & Absentee Journalism, The Russ Collins Circus
Edition 4 includes: World Cup Awards, Rhyming Slang, Duckworth Lewis
Edition 5 includes: The Cult of the Celebrity Umpire, The Great Jack Morgan, Just Like the Ivy
Edition 6 includes: Duckworth Lewis Revisited, Appalling Fielders, The SH Wed XI-1964
Edition 7 includes: A-Level Sport, The SH Wed XI-1968
Edition 8 includes: O-Level Cricket, The SH Sixes, Hitting an Eric
Edition 9 includes: Project Salvation, Shits, Ron Hooker’s Benefit Match, Arthur Gates’ Two Seasons
Edition 10 includes: Hawkeye, Morgan the Bowler, Behind the Sightscreen
Edition 11 includes: Sledging, Banter and Bankers; Points-Pointless;
Edition 12 includes: Fathers and Sons, Playing at Edmonton,
Edition 13 includes: Who’d be an Umpire, Physically and Mentally Handicapped
Edition 14 includes: Commentators, Turnham Green, The New Off-spinner
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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