GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 41
May 2006
Duty Calls
The Professor and I went to the opening day of the County Championship season at Old Trafford where Lancashire, the promotees from the second division, were entertaining Hampshire. We both drove to the ground in pouring rain that gave us a sort of self-righteous feeling and must have made us look like Anoraks. I parked in the main car park and was surprised at the number of spectators going into the ground. When I made my way to the ticket office the official was aghast that I was going to pay and was only the second such customer they had had all morning. The rest were all apparently members who find it warmer than sitting on a park bench at this time of the year.
The Professor had inveigled his way into the members car park in front of the pavilion by referring to his acquaintance with Jack Simmons or his London buddies or that he was a President as well as a Professor or some such ruse. This also led to his gaining ground admission free which still puzzles me. But we were soon joshing one another and bumping golf umbrellas wondering how we were going to spend the hours until there was some announcement about the likelihood or otherwise of play. Our perambulations took us to the second hand bookstall that seemed to be the highlight of the morning since nothing else was open. We were then surprisingly greeted by the tannoy announcement that the umpires would inspect immediately after lunch, which would be taken at the normal time. This made the inspection at 1.55pm, which has to be a bizarre time to schedule for anything. Since it was still only 11.30am we wandered into the pavilion in search of refreshment. This is not something I would have done off my own bat but the Professor led me on with the confidence of someone who’s rightful place is alongside the high and mighty.
We wandered through the long room and after not being asked for our autographs by collectors at every door we found a large bar area where food was also being served. We had to share a table and were quickly reminded of where we were geographically when another occupant of the table returned from the food bar with a plate containing a meat pie, served inverted, and a large helping of mushy peas. The time was passing pleasantly and the Professor decided it was time to make Jack Simmons aware of his presence and so the Chairman of Lancashire CCC was summoned. This took a little time and we were already indulging in our own fare of pie and chips when he appeared.
Simmons has that vague otherworldliness that you see in many ex professional players. It’s as if their career stopped when they packed up playing and they haven’t decided or found anything to do since. Simmons, of course, is in an important position and has just seen his county move back into the top flight of county cricket. But the indecision by him and his committee has led to a deplorable ground in the modern era, which has culminated in its loss of test status for the next ashes series. He told us that they had during the off season installed an irrigation system on the outfield to use up last season’s profits rather than pay tax. Wouldn’t the money have been better spent on the facilities? Still he is a busy man and was soon saying his good byes and departing for a, no doubt, well-earned lunch.
The Professor and I decided to go outside and watch the Umpires, Roy Palmer and George Sharp, conduct their pitch inspection. The Professor was moved to recall a brief and unwitty after dinner speech given by the latter when a paid guest a few years back at WGCCC. They did a thorough job and announced that play would begin at 3pm if there was no further rain. Well this was excellent news and we decided to remain seated in the chilly if dry conditions watching the players go through their ludicrous warm up activities. In what seemed like no time Lancashire had won the toss and asked Hampshire to bat.
Michael Brown, ex Middlesex, and James Adams opened the batting and Glen Chapple and Dominic Cork were giving first dibbs with the new ball. It was obviously the first match of the season because the players kit all matched and they all had both the correct number and their name on the back of their shirts and sweaters. Cork’s shirt had flamboyant red armpits, which seems to be the latest attempt to bring coloured clothing into proper cricket.
Adams was soon caught behind by Luke Sutton, formerly of Somerset and Derbyshire, which was just as well because although it hadn’t warmed up and the players were blowing onto their hands to keep them warm, the twelfth man brought out drinks for them all. He was soon in action again when John Crawley, ex Lancashire, was dismissed and the Professor and I were busy getting to grips with the complicated calculation of when tea would be taken. In the event it was at the scheduled time of 4.15pm because it coincided with 32 overs remaining to be bowled in the day. The players must have been relieved since they all must have been bursting for a pee after all that intake of liquid.
Another wicket fell two minutes after tea and unbelievably the drinks man sprinted onto the pitch again. The members around us were feeling pretty pleased with themselves by this point and one of them could already see this early season success bringing the pennant to Old Trafford. The spectator next to me explained that he had also become a Glamorgan member since the subscription was less than the ground admission for their sole annual fixture at Colwyn Bay. And so the season is underway again. Even the sun popped out and forced the Professor to slip on his sunglasses. We saw 54 overs of cricket before the mandatory close. We would have settled for that at 11 am.
England One- day Selection Matters
I have been whinging to the Great Jack Morgan about the ongoing strange selection:
I have found the selection for these games strange. Prior has played every game again. That is twelve straight this winter and he hasn’t reached fifty. He has also had the benefit of opening in ten of them. Shah failed in his three straight innings but surely is a more likely big innings player?
I am not at all convinced by the bits and pieces players England persist in picking for these games. My biggest gripe is that most of them have not proved themselves as either batters or bowlers at the County level. Consequently when the pressure is on they don’t have the experience to step up.
Unless Lardarse can get some runs at this level its hard to see how he will keep being picked over Monty or indeed anybody else. He took a couple of catches the other day but his ground fielding is embarrassingly bad and I would be surprised if he features in Fletch’s long-term plans.
The Great Jack Morgan had plenty to say in response:
I have no objection at all to Prior getting a game in the one-dayers (the question should be why is Jones playing?), but to me it seems obvious that he must also keep. Now that it appears that Jonesey’s batting has joined his keeping in not being good enough, it is vital that they check out other candidates, but they need to see the whole package of batting and keeping. It might be that Prior isn’t quite good enough, but they will never know unless he displays his keeping skills as well as his batting. It seems so obvious to me that I cannot believe I have to keep making this point: are you sure that Duncan is getting his copy of Googlies each month?
England now has eight plausible candidates for the top five batting places (and this doesn’t count the likes of Key who may yet force his way back in) and Selvey thinks that Bell, Shah and Collingwood will be the ones to miss out and he has Banger batting at four. I think he is wrong, but I agree that Bell looks vulnerable at present. I am starting to have my doubts about Vaughan claiming a regular place again and I also think that Colly has now passed the test and I would not be surprised if Uncle Dunc decided to retain him. I think Selvey (and almost everyone else) is right that Pietersen will still get picked, but having advocated his selection, I am now terribly disappointed with his reckless attitude in Tests (I do not query his selection for the ODIs) and I would leave him on the bench for a couple of Tests. In addition to Vaughan, Giles and S Jones are also looking like long-term crocks and I doubt we will see all three together again. Of the three, Giles might be the most difficult to replace, not because he is such a great bowler, but because they must have someone who can bat at no 8. For this reason, some unlikely chaps like Udal, Blackwell, Batty and Plunkett may find that they are still in contention.
To me, England just cannot get the one-day side right at all, so I was astonished to read the other day that Dunc sees the side for the World Cup as already settled apart from perhaps one place (thought to be the number nine spot for which the likes of Plunkett and Kabir are currently vying). If this is the case, we must prepare ourselves for yet another miserable performance in the WC. I would keep looking at other options if I were you Dunc. I found it incredible that they reverted to the proven failure of playing a solitary spinner in the one-dayers, especially at Faridabad, where the Scrapper was apparently turning it “yards”. When asked about the lack of a second spinner, Flintoff apparently said that they had been doing pretty well with the “all-seam except for Lardarse” plan, which was a complete lie because they have lost every match in which only one spinner has played! I know you will say that they only have Batty, but this is why he is on tour: to be the second spinner when pitches demand it (and they need to see how he does because the rumour is that two spinners will be needed in the World Cup). He would probably not transform the fortunes of this inadequate looking side, but it still makes more sense than playing a battery of seamers on spinners’ wickets, where chaps like Yuvraj are bowling us out. How tedious is it to have to endure a series of seven ODIs when it seems that the result is already known in advance?
England Test Selection Matters I suspect that, unlike recent seasons, we are going to see a large number of players in the England test side this summer. Sick notes have already been handed in from some of Fletch’s favourite Prefects-Peg Leg, Gilo, Jones the Ball and Harmison.
The Old Boys have a strong side which includes the following capped players who are still turning out for their counties: Crawley, Cork, Gough, Caddick, Hick, Ramprakesh, Afzaal, Bicknell, White, Saggers, Patel, Lewis and Salisbury. But I don’t expect any of them to feature this summer.
This winter we had three off spinners (sic) included in the tours to India and Pakistan. Udal had a glorious hour at Mumbai but unless the Sri Lankans have recruited Kamikaze pilots to augment their depleted ranks or the hosepipe ban is extended to test match squares I don’t see him repeating the feat on home soil. Will Fletch give him the chance? And what of Batty? Does he improve or will he join the Old Boys side? Does anyone remember Alex Loudon, who was supposed to have his very own doozra? He got runs for the MCC at Lords but hardly bowled. Perhaps he will have to get some serious practice in with Warwickshire before he features again.
Chris Read has proved his batting point by scoring three consecutive first class centuries but that will be ignored and Teflon will remain a fixture behind the stumps.
Banger has been playing truant but I expect him to be forgiven and although he may have to serve a detention at Taunton for a game or two he will be quickly restored to the ranks.
It is less than six months to the Ashes now and I suspect that Fletch will not be looking to include new blood in his side. In fact I believe that there will be a recall for the Surrey captain once he has demonstrated recovery from his wrist injury. He is a much more likely number three than Bell to kick off in Brisbane. Gilo is having a second operation and Fletch will be desperate to get him back, if only to bat at number eight. The embarrassment of Panesar and Blackwell in the field this winter was reminiscent of Tufnell at his worst and Fletch will be planning to do without any of that in Australia. This summer there will be rest granted for any of the Upper Sixth who needs it but they will be recalled for the tour. I suspect that the side for Brisbane will be:
Trescothick
Strauss
Butcher
Vaughan
Pietersen
Flintoff
Jones
Giles
Jones
Harmison
Hoggard
And this still leaves Bell and Collingwood of the inner sanctum in reserve. So Cook, Shah and co can perform brilliantly this summer but will have to hope for injuries to others to get a sniff of a place come the Ashes.
More from Mumbai
Robin Ager sent me these notes about his outing with the Barmy Army last month
I found the whole Indian experience stunning, first the amazing Test in Mumbai, and then the more traditional attractions of the Golden Triangle of Jaipur, Agra and Delhi: yes, crowded and touristy, but fascinating nonetheless.
The Test was the first occasion that I had watched a game from first ball to last, and there is no doubt that this heightens one’s emotional involvement in the game: you identify with the team, enjoy the highs (say, Udal’s dismissal of Tendulkar) and suffer the lows (Shah’s needless run out after lunch on the fourth day) in a very personal way. As late as lunch on the last day, when India had lost only one top-order batsman, I had visions of Dravid and Tendulkar making the game safe before making way for an onslaught by the tonkers. Being there also enables you to appreciate the sheer physical effort needed to play in such oppressive conditions: I ended each day completely drained, without having batted, bowled or fielded – or had any alcohol, come to that. So, I think it is impossible to overstate the excellence of the victory.
I pretty much agree with the Professor’s reading of the game, and his analysis of the players. Nonetheless, the fact that Jones had a very good game (agreed) surely only emphasises how crucial a keeper’s performance can be: if he’d produced a few more efforts like this, the England record would have been even more impressive. An interesting table in this month’s Cricketer indicates that he has taken 80% of chances in Tests (cf Chris Read 92%). And, given his recent record, it is difficult to see how Jones’ batting can be thought to compensate.
Sreesanth, too, fascinated me, although I reckon he is nearer 15 than 12. He promises to be one of those deceptive bowlers that batsman reckon they can take apart – and indeed in the ODI in Delhi Flintoff hit him for two glorious sixes in one over – but has more in his locker than you think. He also clearly has the attitude to rile the opposition, as his discussions with Shah (another non-shrinking violet) indicated, and looks unnecessarily self-satisfied when he acknowledges the crowd’s applause. One to watch, I’d say.
When you go to cricket in India, you have to leave behind not only your preconceptions but also your possessions – or at least the sort of thing that the English fan customarily takes to the match. The ticket for the Delhi one day game prohibited bringing in “bags, mobile phones, brief cases, pagers, radios, digital diaries, laptop computers, remote control, car lock keys, tape recorders, video cameras, digital cameras, binoculars, crackers, inflammable material, firearms, arms and ammunition, eatables, thermos flask, water jugs and bottles, cigarettes, bidi (any idea what this is?), matchbox/lighter, razor, scissors, mirrors and glasses, knives”. The message seems to be: “come to the match by all means, but don’t bring anything that may enhance your enjoyment”. What is particularly maddening – or quaint, according to your mood at the time - is the different ways in which these rules are interpreted: in Mumbai, spectators were subject to at least three inspections on entry, with plastic water bottles being rooted out as if they were unexploded bombs, but they were clearly in evidence in, for example, Cochin.
It must be acknowledged that the officials’ disdainful treatment was not confined to the visitors. In an excellent article in The Times of India, in which he compared the poor but knowledgeable Indian fan of yesteryear with the ignorant and increasingly abusive spectator of today (the pattern the world over, I’d guess), Manu Joseph, writing before the one day series, described what the locals could look forward to: “In some venues, he will be ordered to arrive four hours before the start of the match. He will stand in the great Indian queues outside the gates. Cops may thrash him or, as it happened in Chennai last time, they may drink half his cola while pretending to check if it’s liquor. It’s possible that he may not be allowed inside despite having a valid ticket because the counterfeits unleashed by some of the organisers would have ensured that the stands are already full. Four years ago, an old man outside the Polly Umrigar gate at the Wankhede was similarly asked to go back home. That old man was, in fact, Polly Umrigar. Greater miseries will visit the fan if he manages to go in. With not an inch to move and very few toilets, he may have to hold his bladder for over eight hours, despite not having the advantages of being a woman. As he stands in the urine of other incontinent spectators, he will wait for food and water that may never arrive. These things happen every one-day series here, and they will happen this time too.” And, he might have added, there’ll be the odd riot too.
It was with some apprehension that I signed up with Barmy Army Travel but, in the event, I was pleasantly surprised. Most of the group (average age around 45, I’d guess) were genuine cricket enthusiasts rather than attention seekers, preferred Test cricket to the one day stuff and didn’t break into song at every opportunity: pretty much the mix provided by the other, more expensive, tour companies. There is, of course, a hard core of Barmy Army exhibitionists who, I suppose, would never be seen dead in an organised group. Although they did their best on this occasion to make an impact on the proceedings, I could barely hear them from my seat on the opposite side of the ground – not surprisingly, as the competition from the locals was raucous and unrelenting.
Finally, I ran into John Price at the Taj Mahal (another place with a highly developed unwelcome). Alas, he didn’t recall that I played in a Middlesex Seconds game with him in 1965 (he was coming back from injury). Worse, the only name he could recall associated with South Hampstead was Bob Peach. That man gets everywhere!
Wisden Five
Mathew Engel, the editor of Wisden, selected Ponting, Lee, Pietersen, Jones the Ball and Hoggard as his Five for 2005. The Professor had them all on his shortlist and only omitted Hoggard in his final selection. His response was “4 out of 5 is not bad. Engel clearly lacked the balls to go for a woman”. The professor is referring to his fifth selection who was Clare Connor. The Great Jack Morgan was quick to point out that he had erred in this:
Far from being anti-women, I have actually been to see women’s cricket (more than once), which most people have not, but the Prof is wrong to think that Clare is a good enough player to be the first woman in the Wisden Five (nowhere near as good as Jan Brittin was, for example). She just happened to be the captain of a team that unexpectedly sneaked a win in a Test. Tests are not actually a very big thing in women’s cricket: as they are all amateurs, they do not have the time for many four day matches, so their main focus is on the one-dayers, at which England have been consistently disappointing. The outstanding team in world cricket has been Australia for many years and all the best players have also been Australian. When the honour goes to a woman, it should go to an Australian. Matthew Engel might disagree, of course.
Who to look out for in 2006
This is always a subjective exercise based on very limited live sightings, television coverage of certain matches and the scores in the newspapers. There also seems little point in identifying Freddie as someone who might do well in the coming season. I will leave the Great Jack Morgan to select from the ranks of Middlesex and so here is my ten:
I will start with the Northants trio. David Sales is capable of more than his past achievements and remains a player to keep your eye on. His ex-Notts recruits, Shafayat and Afzaal, both did well last year. Shafayat is still only twenty-two and is capable of taking an attack apart. It is hard to remember that Usman Afzaal played in an Ashes win and was at the crease when Mark Butcher saw England home in 2001. He may not feature in Fletch’s plans but he has the weight of the Anglo-Pakistani expectations on his shoulders and weight of runs could force him back into the reckoning.
At Essex Ravi Bopara and Ryan Ten Doeschate both keep forcing their way into the headlines despite contention from their team mates the Flowers, Big Ronnie(remember him?), Cook and Jefferson. Bopara was called up to the A tour when Cook and Shah were summoned to India and was in the MCC side at Lords. Ten Doeschate is not qualified for England as he holds an EU passport. He is older at 26 but has caught the eye of all who have seen him bat.
Whilst I was at Old Trafford with the Professor we were both impressed with the bowling of the twenty-year-old Tom Smith. He wasn’t fast but seemed to have control and did enough with the ball to worry the Hampshire batsmen. Later in the game he also impressed the press with his batting. The slow bowler who most impressed me last year was Murali Kartik, the Indian slow left armer who had a spell at Lancashire. If they haven’t re-signed him why don’t Middlesex grab him? I know they are still on the look out for more middle-aged seamers.
Alex Gidman is a classy looking batsman at Gloucestershire. He also bowls a bit but if he can get into a purple patch he will score heavily. He needs to bat consistently in the top four, though.
Last year at Headingley the Professor and I saw Tim Bresnan get runs in company with Ian Harvey. He is principally a bowler and impressed when he played for the MCC at Lords against the champions, Notts.
The Surrey management always picks Scott Newman to open the batting and they have plenty of talent in the pool. He got off to a flyer last season and should be able to consolidate this year.
I asked the Great Jack Morgan for his thoughts:
It is difficult to keep coming up with new players to watch out for especially as many I have suggested in the past (Shah, Joyce, Strauss, Pietersen, Harmison, Hoggard, Cook, Panesar, Kabir, Blackwell, Bopara) are now in and around the side or the A team. And making my selections into a team is almost impossible because most of the young bowlers of promise (Tremlett, Mahmood, Plunkett) have already made the England squad, while the bowlers in the A team are so green that we have hardly heard of them, let alone seen them play (Broad, Footitt, T Smith). This leaves me with only the seriously injured Chad Keegan and Mark Davies, but plenty of batters and keepers. Those I know best are Eoin Morgan and Billy Godleman of Middlesex, both seriously good players, but not, as yet, close to the first team. James Benning is also seriously talented, but has the problem of trying to break into the strong Surrey line-up. James Hildreth, Scott Newman, John Francis and Matt Wood (Somerset) are four that may still fulfill their potential. Andrew Hodd and Tom New are good enough young keepers to rival Steve Davies for the title of most promising young keeper, but they have the problem of trying to displace Prior and Nixon respectively.
It is hard to see an international future for any of the “comeback men” that you suggest. Ed Smith (28) would need to get a lot more runs than he did last season, Kirtley (31) needs to live down his dodgy action reputation before he could be considered again (and by then he would probably be too old), Dazzler (35) is surely already too old, Silverwood (31) has been terribly inconsistent in recent seasons (partly because of injury, of course) and needs a really big improvement which might be beyond him and while Richardson bowled well enough for international recognition last season, it is unlikely to happen for him at the age of 31. Other fine players who have had little or no chance at international level include: Ben Smith (34) and David Hemp (35), two of the classiest looking batters on the circuit, for whom it is probably too late. Too late as well, I suspect, for Nic Pothas (32), who I read somewhere is now qualified for England: he is not the greatest keeper (but considerably better than G Jones) but he batted with such brilliance last season that he had many saying he should get a chance with England. Another who had a great season with the bat was your old mate Tony McGrath (now 30) who ticked Uncle Dunc’s boxes three years ago. Of the bowlers, one who deserves another chance is Ryan Sidebottom (28), while Min Patel (35), Gary Keedy and Jason Brown (both 31) are consistently three of the best spinners in the country. One player I believe will get a comeback chance is Chris Read (27), now demonstrably superior to G Jones in both departments.
Final thoughts on the Winter’s activities
The International Come-One Club welcomed Monty and Lardarse to its membership as the Indians jogged gentle singles to them at will. An unlikely member of this club turns out to be Tendulkar who is now decidedly slow out of the blocks and England found him a soft option for the easy single when he was at mid off.
Congratulations to the Indian television coverage. Although they could do nothing about the sunspots, which interrupted transmissions, they managed to eliminate the sounds of the dreaded Barmy Army. How did I know they were there? I spotted in the crowd the ghastly Jimmy of the white St George’s cross singlet and matching top hat who had impaired my day in the Hollies stand at Edgbaston last summer.
Teflon dropped an absolutely straightforward catch off the outside edge standing up to Panesar. Expectations are now so low of this goon that the commentators say that it was a really difficult chance. Most club second eleven keepers would have been ashamed to miss it.
Predictably the English press made more of Cook’s efforts than the splendidly named Jaffer’s. The latter has only played a handful of tests and looked the more accomplished batsman. Jaffer was surely meant to be a bowler, though, wasn’t he?
We are not yet very familiar with the Dhoni phenomenon, which is growing into Afridi like proportions. There was apparently a larger crowd to watch him at practice on the day before the test than actually turned up to watch England bat on the first day. Incidentally during this net session he hit one delivery from the nets situated at one end of the ground almost over the boundary at the other end.
I have absolutely no idea why Dean Jones was part of the commentary team for this match. Being neither Indian nor English there seemed no logical place for him. Perhaps he is trying to develop a sort of All Things to All Nations Greigness. He always tries to introduce unwarranted and inappropriate excitement into the proceedings normally involving slogging. For example when Kumble had been grinding out a rearguard action for over three hours with Kaif and had reached 45 Deano grabs the mike and says “I wonder if he will try to go 50 with a six”. With every moronic outburst it becomes increasingly difficult to remember what a good player he was.
Ray’s Eight Charlie Puckett sent me these invaluable notes to fill in the time whilst we wait for the great man’s own explanation of his LBW haul on his league debut
I feel it my duty to fill the reader in with some, hitherto, unknown stories of the, mercifully short (it seems much longer), umpiring career of the great Peter Ray.
In my capacity as Secretary of the Middlesex County Cricket League, I am privy to the Captain’s Report Forms and the comments on the umpires thereon.
Peter began his league umpiring at about the same time as we expanded the League to three divisions and invited 10 brand new clubs into the fold – most of who had never heard of the great man.
An early report began “ … I know we are new to the League and you obviously do things differently to the ways we are used to, but, is it normal for the umpire to conduct a master class with the young left-arm spinner of the opposition in the middle of his spell?”
Worse was to follow. A couple of weeks later, the report (from a different captain) went along the lines of “… Whilst I cannot disagree with a thing he said, I am not sure it is right for the umpire to say that about the batsmen, the bowlers, the fielding or my captaincy decisions during play…”
Last year I had occasion to phone Bob Baxter, the League Chairman, one Sunday morning. I started by asking him if he was sitting down and prepared for some information. Thinking the worst, he said apprehensively, “What’s happened?”
I replied, “You aren’t going to believe this, Bob. Peter Ray is reporting a player for misbehaving on the field of play.” There was a long pause, it must have gone on for at least a couple of hours, before Bob’s strangled voice came back, choking over his ReddyBrek, “What?” I had to repeat myself – mainly because I was struggling to believe it myself. My how we laughed!
He actually phoned me himself to tell me of his 8-wicket haul. It’s probably not the best ever in the League: certainly not for a man boasting the League’s only 10-wicket haul (although it must be said that he was meant to involve himself in that one). But it must be something of a record on debut! I’ll leave him to tell you of that for himself.
Incidentally, everything he said about Stuart-King is correct and you are strongly advised to have a look at www.cricketofficials.co.uk.
Banger’s Virus The Great Jack Morgan gives us the skinny on Banger’s mystery virus
Banger’s “virus” was total nonsense. There should be no need to invent this sort of bollocks. If it was a private matter, he should just say, “it was a private matter and I’m not going to discuss it. Next question.” Banger is a good player, of course, but he has often been disappointing abroad and I am not as confident as you are that he will be the key man next winter. On the last Aussie tour, he passed fifty only once (in his first innings of the series) as the home pace bowlers ruthlessly exploited his lack of foot movement. The quicks got him nine times in the series, Lee alone got him four times and Gilchrist caught him five times. Vaughan, Stewart, Crawley, Hussain and Butcher all did better than Banger’s average of 26. He has established something of a pattern whereby he starts a tour well then falls away rather badly... perhaps the virus catches up with him? By the way, Selvey’s plan to bat Banger at 4 was not of his own invention. This is apparently an idea that Fletcher himself has floated in the past, which gives it much more credibility.
Sartorial Matters
Ramesh Powar is becoming one of my new favourite players. Not least because physically he makes me look decidedly sylph like. However, he bowls and fields in red plastic wrap-around sunglasses. This must be decidedly off-putting for the batsman. How can you take seriously a bowler who looks like a bluebottle or rather a redbottle? But of the old style non-doozra off spinners he must be the best around these days. He has great changes of flight and pace.
Strange Eleven
I didn’t make much progress with last month’s Strange Eleven but took the following bollocking from the Great Jack Morgan when I admitted as much to him: “Strange XI: your pathetic waffling about not having the right books does not impress me because I have already told you the answer and where to confirm it. “It is a recognition thing and you will find it in Wisden”: it must be as plain as a pikestaff or some other cliché that these blokes were all Wisden Cricketers of the Year! Are these clues too subtle for you? Try this bunch:
Roshan Mahanama
Sherwin Campbell
Andrew Jones
David Hookes
Clive Rice
Duncan Fletcher
Syed Kirmani (w/k)
Ray Bright
Gavin Larsen
Sarfraz Nawaz
Michael Holding
So once again all you have to do is work out which Jazz Hat they have in common.
Rangers Matters Before he left for another overseas sunning session The Great Jack Morgan sent me this report
I spoke to Jim Revier last night and he reported that:
a) The Rangers have been just as bad as results have indicated;
b) They are trying to get cash in for several of the “star” players, making relegation next season look almost certain;
c) He is definitely not renewing his season ticket;
Reminder
If you drive a car and are mentally deficient it is compulsory that during May and June you fly a white flag with a red cross on it. If you are designated at the moronic level you must fly two.
Earlier Editions
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 41
May 2006
Duty Calls
The Professor and I went to the opening day of the County Championship season at Old Trafford where Lancashire, the promotees from the second division, were entertaining Hampshire. We both drove to the ground in pouring rain that gave us a sort of self-righteous feeling and must have made us look like Anoraks. I parked in the main car park and was surprised at the number of spectators going into the ground. When I made my way to the ticket office the official was aghast that I was going to pay and was only the second such customer they had had all morning. The rest were all apparently members who find it warmer than sitting on a park bench at this time of the year.
The Professor had inveigled his way into the members car park in front of the pavilion by referring to his acquaintance with Jack Simmons or his London buddies or that he was a President as well as a Professor or some such ruse. This also led to his gaining ground admission free which still puzzles me. But we were soon joshing one another and bumping golf umbrellas wondering how we were going to spend the hours until there was some announcement about the likelihood or otherwise of play. Our perambulations took us to the second hand bookstall that seemed to be the highlight of the morning since nothing else was open. We were then surprisingly greeted by the tannoy announcement that the umpires would inspect immediately after lunch, which would be taken at the normal time. This made the inspection at 1.55pm, which has to be a bizarre time to schedule for anything. Since it was still only 11.30am we wandered into the pavilion in search of refreshment. This is not something I would have done off my own bat but the Professor led me on with the confidence of someone who’s rightful place is alongside the high and mighty.
We wandered through the long room and after not being asked for our autographs by collectors at every door we found a large bar area where food was also being served. We had to share a table and were quickly reminded of where we were geographically when another occupant of the table returned from the food bar with a plate containing a meat pie, served inverted, and a large helping of mushy peas. The time was passing pleasantly and the Professor decided it was time to make Jack Simmons aware of his presence and so the Chairman of Lancashire CCC was summoned. This took a little time and we were already indulging in our own fare of pie and chips when he appeared.
Simmons has that vague otherworldliness that you see in many ex professional players. It’s as if their career stopped when they packed up playing and they haven’t decided or found anything to do since. Simmons, of course, is in an important position and has just seen his county move back into the top flight of county cricket. But the indecision by him and his committee has led to a deplorable ground in the modern era, which has culminated in its loss of test status for the next ashes series. He told us that they had during the off season installed an irrigation system on the outfield to use up last season’s profits rather than pay tax. Wouldn’t the money have been better spent on the facilities? Still he is a busy man and was soon saying his good byes and departing for a, no doubt, well-earned lunch.
The Professor and I decided to go outside and watch the Umpires, Roy Palmer and George Sharp, conduct their pitch inspection. The Professor was moved to recall a brief and unwitty after dinner speech given by the latter when a paid guest a few years back at WGCCC. They did a thorough job and announced that play would begin at 3pm if there was no further rain. Well this was excellent news and we decided to remain seated in the chilly if dry conditions watching the players go through their ludicrous warm up activities. In what seemed like no time Lancashire had won the toss and asked Hampshire to bat.
Michael Brown, ex Middlesex, and James Adams opened the batting and Glen Chapple and Dominic Cork were giving first dibbs with the new ball. It was obviously the first match of the season because the players kit all matched and they all had both the correct number and their name on the back of their shirts and sweaters. Cork’s shirt had flamboyant red armpits, which seems to be the latest attempt to bring coloured clothing into proper cricket.
Adams was soon caught behind by Luke Sutton, formerly of Somerset and Derbyshire, which was just as well because although it hadn’t warmed up and the players were blowing onto their hands to keep them warm, the twelfth man brought out drinks for them all. He was soon in action again when John Crawley, ex Lancashire, was dismissed and the Professor and I were busy getting to grips with the complicated calculation of when tea would be taken. In the event it was at the scheduled time of 4.15pm because it coincided with 32 overs remaining to be bowled in the day. The players must have been relieved since they all must have been bursting for a pee after all that intake of liquid.
Another wicket fell two minutes after tea and unbelievably the drinks man sprinted onto the pitch again. The members around us were feeling pretty pleased with themselves by this point and one of them could already see this early season success bringing the pennant to Old Trafford. The spectator next to me explained that he had also become a Glamorgan member since the subscription was less than the ground admission for their sole annual fixture at Colwyn Bay. And so the season is underway again. Even the sun popped out and forced the Professor to slip on his sunglasses. We saw 54 overs of cricket before the mandatory close. We would have settled for that at 11 am.
England One- day Selection Matters
I have been whinging to the Great Jack Morgan about the ongoing strange selection:
I have found the selection for these games strange. Prior has played every game again. That is twelve straight this winter and he hasn’t reached fifty. He has also had the benefit of opening in ten of them. Shah failed in his three straight innings but surely is a more likely big innings player?
I am not at all convinced by the bits and pieces players England persist in picking for these games. My biggest gripe is that most of them have not proved themselves as either batters or bowlers at the County level. Consequently when the pressure is on they don’t have the experience to step up.
Unless Lardarse can get some runs at this level its hard to see how he will keep being picked over Monty or indeed anybody else. He took a couple of catches the other day but his ground fielding is embarrassingly bad and I would be surprised if he features in Fletch’s long-term plans.
The Great Jack Morgan had plenty to say in response:
I have no objection at all to Prior getting a game in the one-dayers (the question should be why is Jones playing?), but to me it seems obvious that he must also keep. Now that it appears that Jonesey’s batting has joined his keeping in not being good enough, it is vital that they check out other candidates, but they need to see the whole package of batting and keeping. It might be that Prior isn’t quite good enough, but they will never know unless he displays his keeping skills as well as his batting. It seems so obvious to me that I cannot believe I have to keep making this point: are you sure that Duncan is getting his copy of Googlies each month?
England now has eight plausible candidates for the top five batting places (and this doesn’t count the likes of Key who may yet force his way back in) and Selvey thinks that Bell, Shah and Collingwood will be the ones to miss out and he has Banger batting at four. I think he is wrong, but I agree that Bell looks vulnerable at present. I am starting to have my doubts about Vaughan claiming a regular place again and I also think that Colly has now passed the test and I would not be surprised if Uncle Dunc decided to retain him. I think Selvey (and almost everyone else) is right that Pietersen will still get picked, but having advocated his selection, I am now terribly disappointed with his reckless attitude in Tests (I do not query his selection for the ODIs) and I would leave him on the bench for a couple of Tests. In addition to Vaughan, Giles and S Jones are also looking like long-term crocks and I doubt we will see all three together again. Of the three, Giles might be the most difficult to replace, not because he is such a great bowler, but because they must have someone who can bat at no 8. For this reason, some unlikely chaps like Udal, Blackwell, Batty and Plunkett may find that they are still in contention.
To me, England just cannot get the one-day side right at all, so I was astonished to read the other day that Dunc sees the side for the World Cup as already settled apart from perhaps one place (thought to be the number nine spot for which the likes of Plunkett and Kabir are currently vying). If this is the case, we must prepare ourselves for yet another miserable performance in the WC. I would keep looking at other options if I were you Dunc. I found it incredible that they reverted to the proven failure of playing a solitary spinner in the one-dayers, especially at Faridabad, where the Scrapper was apparently turning it “yards”. When asked about the lack of a second spinner, Flintoff apparently said that they had been doing pretty well with the “all-seam except for Lardarse” plan, which was a complete lie because they have lost every match in which only one spinner has played! I know you will say that they only have Batty, but this is why he is on tour: to be the second spinner when pitches demand it (and they need to see how he does because the rumour is that two spinners will be needed in the World Cup). He would probably not transform the fortunes of this inadequate looking side, but it still makes more sense than playing a battery of seamers on spinners’ wickets, where chaps like Yuvraj are bowling us out. How tedious is it to have to endure a series of seven ODIs when it seems that the result is already known in advance?
England Test Selection Matters I suspect that, unlike recent seasons, we are going to see a large number of players in the England test side this summer. Sick notes have already been handed in from some of Fletch’s favourite Prefects-Peg Leg, Gilo, Jones the Ball and Harmison.
The Old Boys have a strong side which includes the following capped players who are still turning out for their counties: Crawley, Cork, Gough, Caddick, Hick, Ramprakesh, Afzaal, Bicknell, White, Saggers, Patel, Lewis and Salisbury. But I don’t expect any of them to feature this summer.
This winter we had three off spinners (sic) included in the tours to India and Pakistan. Udal had a glorious hour at Mumbai but unless the Sri Lankans have recruited Kamikaze pilots to augment their depleted ranks or the hosepipe ban is extended to test match squares I don’t see him repeating the feat on home soil. Will Fletch give him the chance? And what of Batty? Does he improve or will he join the Old Boys side? Does anyone remember Alex Loudon, who was supposed to have his very own doozra? He got runs for the MCC at Lords but hardly bowled. Perhaps he will have to get some serious practice in with Warwickshire before he features again.
Chris Read has proved his batting point by scoring three consecutive first class centuries but that will be ignored and Teflon will remain a fixture behind the stumps.
Banger has been playing truant but I expect him to be forgiven and although he may have to serve a detention at Taunton for a game or two he will be quickly restored to the ranks.
It is less than six months to the Ashes now and I suspect that Fletch will not be looking to include new blood in his side. In fact I believe that there will be a recall for the Surrey captain once he has demonstrated recovery from his wrist injury. He is a much more likely number three than Bell to kick off in Brisbane. Gilo is having a second operation and Fletch will be desperate to get him back, if only to bat at number eight. The embarrassment of Panesar and Blackwell in the field this winter was reminiscent of Tufnell at his worst and Fletch will be planning to do without any of that in Australia. This summer there will be rest granted for any of the Upper Sixth who needs it but they will be recalled for the tour. I suspect that the side for Brisbane will be:
Trescothick
Strauss
Butcher
Vaughan
Pietersen
Flintoff
Jones
Giles
Jones
Harmison
Hoggard
And this still leaves Bell and Collingwood of the inner sanctum in reserve. So Cook, Shah and co can perform brilliantly this summer but will have to hope for injuries to others to get a sniff of a place come the Ashes.
More from Mumbai
Robin Ager sent me these notes about his outing with the Barmy Army last month
I found the whole Indian experience stunning, first the amazing Test in Mumbai, and then the more traditional attractions of the Golden Triangle of Jaipur, Agra and Delhi: yes, crowded and touristy, but fascinating nonetheless.
The Test was the first occasion that I had watched a game from first ball to last, and there is no doubt that this heightens one’s emotional involvement in the game: you identify with the team, enjoy the highs (say, Udal’s dismissal of Tendulkar) and suffer the lows (Shah’s needless run out after lunch on the fourth day) in a very personal way. As late as lunch on the last day, when India had lost only one top-order batsman, I had visions of Dravid and Tendulkar making the game safe before making way for an onslaught by the tonkers. Being there also enables you to appreciate the sheer physical effort needed to play in such oppressive conditions: I ended each day completely drained, without having batted, bowled or fielded – or had any alcohol, come to that. So, I think it is impossible to overstate the excellence of the victory.
I pretty much agree with the Professor’s reading of the game, and his analysis of the players. Nonetheless, the fact that Jones had a very good game (agreed) surely only emphasises how crucial a keeper’s performance can be: if he’d produced a few more efforts like this, the England record would have been even more impressive. An interesting table in this month’s Cricketer indicates that he has taken 80% of chances in Tests (cf Chris Read 92%). And, given his recent record, it is difficult to see how Jones’ batting can be thought to compensate.
Sreesanth, too, fascinated me, although I reckon he is nearer 15 than 12. He promises to be one of those deceptive bowlers that batsman reckon they can take apart – and indeed in the ODI in Delhi Flintoff hit him for two glorious sixes in one over – but has more in his locker than you think. He also clearly has the attitude to rile the opposition, as his discussions with Shah (another non-shrinking violet) indicated, and looks unnecessarily self-satisfied when he acknowledges the crowd’s applause. One to watch, I’d say.
When you go to cricket in India, you have to leave behind not only your preconceptions but also your possessions – or at least the sort of thing that the English fan customarily takes to the match. The ticket for the Delhi one day game prohibited bringing in “bags, mobile phones, brief cases, pagers, radios, digital diaries, laptop computers, remote control, car lock keys, tape recorders, video cameras, digital cameras, binoculars, crackers, inflammable material, firearms, arms and ammunition, eatables, thermos flask, water jugs and bottles, cigarettes, bidi (any idea what this is?), matchbox/lighter, razor, scissors, mirrors and glasses, knives”. The message seems to be: “come to the match by all means, but don’t bring anything that may enhance your enjoyment”. What is particularly maddening – or quaint, according to your mood at the time - is the different ways in which these rules are interpreted: in Mumbai, spectators were subject to at least three inspections on entry, with plastic water bottles being rooted out as if they were unexploded bombs, but they were clearly in evidence in, for example, Cochin.
It must be acknowledged that the officials’ disdainful treatment was not confined to the visitors. In an excellent article in The Times of India, in which he compared the poor but knowledgeable Indian fan of yesteryear with the ignorant and increasingly abusive spectator of today (the pattern the world over, I’d guess), Manu Joseph, writing before the one day series, described what the locals could look forward to: “In some venues, he will be ordered to arrive four hours before the start of the match. He will stand in the great Indian queues outside the gates. Cops may thrash him or, as it happened in Chennai last time, they may drink half his cola while pretending to check if it’s liquor. It’s possible that he may not be allowed inside despite having a valid ticket because the counterfeits unleashed by some of the organisers would have ensured that the stands are already full. Four years ago, an old man outside the Polly Umrigar gate at the Wankhede was similarly asked to go back home. That old man was, in fact, Polly Umrigar. Greater miseries will visit the fan if he manages to go in. With not an inch to move and very few toilets, he may have to hold his bladder for over eight hours, despite not having the advantages of being a woman. As he stands in the urine of other incontinent spectators, he will wait for food and water that may never arrive. These things happen every one-day series here, and they will happen this time too.” And, he might have added, there’ll be the odd riot too.
It was with some apprehension that I signed up with Barmy Army Travel but, in the event, I was pleasantly surprised. Most of the group (average age around 45, I’d guess) were genuine cricket enthusiasts rather than attention seekers, preferred Test cricket to the one day stuff and didn’t break into song at every opportunity: pretty much the mix provided by the other, more expensive, tour companies. There is, of course, a hard core of Barmy Army exhibitionists who, I suppose, would never be seen dead in an organised group. Although they did their best on this occasion to make an impact on the proceedings, I could barely hear them from my seat on the opposite side of the ground – not surprisingly, as the competition from the locals was raucous and unrelenting.
Finally, I ran into John Price at the Taj Mahal (another place with a highly developed unwelcome). Alas, he didn’t recall that I played in a Middlesex Seconds game with him in 1965 (he was coming back from injury). Worse, the only name he could recall associated with South Hampstead was Bob Peach. That man gets everywhere!
Wisden Five
Mathew Engel, the editor of Wisden, selected Ponting, Lee, Pietersen, Jones the Ball and Hoggard as his Five for 2005. The Professor had them all on his shortlist and only omitted Hoggard in his final selection. His response was “4 out of 5 is not bad. Engel clearly lacked the balls to go for a woman”. The professor is referring to his fifth selection who was Clare Connor. The Great Jack Morgan was quick to point out that he had erred in this:
Far from being anti-women, I have actually been to see women’s cricket (more than once), which most people have not, but the Prof is wrong to think that Clare is a good enough player to be the first woman in the Wisden Five (nowhere near as good as Jan Brittin was, for example). She just happened to be the captain of a team that unexpectedly sneaked a win in a Test. Tests are not actually a very big thing in women’s cricket: as they are all amateurs, they do not have the time for many four day matches, so their main focus is on the one-dayers, at which England have been consistently disappointing. The outstanding team in world cricket has been Australia for many years and all the best players have also been Australian. When the honour goes to a woman, it should go to an Australian. Matthew Engel might disagree, of course.
Who to look out for in 2006
This is always a subjective exercise based on very limited live sightings, television coverage of certain matches and the scores in the newspapers. There also seems little point in identifying Freddie as someone who might do well in the coming season. I will leave the Great Jack Morgan to select from the ranks of Middlesex and so here is my ten:
I will start with the Northants trio. David Sales is capable of more than his past achievements and remains a player to keep your eye on. His ex-Notts recruits, Shafayat and Afzaal, both did well last year. Shafayat is still only twenty-two and is capable of taking an attack apart. It is hard to remember that Usman Afzaal played in an Ashes win and was at the crease when Mark Butcher saw England home in 2001. He may not feature in Fletch’s plans but he has the weight of the Anglo-Pakistani expectations on his shoulders and weight of runs could force him back into the reckoning.
At Essex Ravi Bopara and Ryan Ten Doeschate both keep forcing their way into the headlines despite contention from their team mates the Flowers, Big Ronnie(remember him?), Cook and Jefferson. Bopara was called up to the A tour when Cook and Shah were summoned to India and was in the MCC side at Lords. Ten Doeschate is not qualified for England as he holds an EU passport. He is older at 26 but has caught the eye of all who have seen him bat.
Whilst I was at Old Trafford with the Professor we were both impressed with the bowling of the twenty-year-old Tom Smith. He wasn’t fast but seemed to have control and did enough with the ball to worry the Hampshire batsmen. Later in the game he also impressed the press with his batting. The slow bowler who most impressed me last year was Murali Kartik, the Indian slow left armer who had a spell at Lancashire. If they haven’t re-signed him why don’t Middlesex grab him? I know they are still on the look out for more middle-aged seamers.
Alex Gidman is a classy looking batsman at Gloucestershire. He also bowls a bit but if he can get into a purple patch he will score heavily. He needs to bat consistently in the top four, though.
Last year at Headingley the Professor and I saw Tim Bresnan get runs in company with Ian Harvey. He is principally a bowler and impressed when he played for the MCC at Lords against the champions, Notts.
The Surrey management always picks Scott Newman to open the batting and they have plenty of talent in the pool. He got off to a flyer last season and should be able to consolidate this year.
I asked the Great Jack Morgan for his thoughts:
It is difficult to keep coming up with new players to watch out for especially as many I have suggested in the past (Shah, Joyce, Strauss, Pietersen, Harmison, Hoggard, Cook, Panesar, Kabir, Blackwell, Bopara) are now in and around the side or the A team. And making my selections into a team is almost impossible because most of the young bowlers of promise (Tremlett, Mahmood, Plunkett) have already made the England squad, while the bowlers in the A team are so green that we have hardly heard of them, let alone seen them play (Broad, Footitt, T Smith). This leaves me with only the seriously injured Chad Keegan and Mark Davies, but plenty of batters and keepers. Those I know best are Eoin Morgan and Billy Godleman of Middlesex, both seriously good players, but not, as yet, close to the first team. James Benning is also seriously talented, but has the problem of trying to break into the strong Surrey line-up. James Hildreth, Scott Newman, John Francis and Matt Wood (Somerset) are four that may still fulfill their potential. Andrew Hodd and Tom New are good enough young keepers to rival Steve Davies for the title of most promising young keeper, but they have the problem of trying to displace Prior and Nixon respectively.
It is hard to see an international future for any of the “comeback men” that you suggest. Ed Smith (28) would need to get a lot more runs than he did last season, Kirtley (31) needs to live down his dodgy action reputation before he could be considered again (and by then he would probably be too old), Dazzler (35) is surely already too old, Silverwood (31) has been terribly inconsistent in recent seasons (partly because of injury, of course) and needs a really big improvement which might be beyond him and while Richardson bowled well enough for international recognition last season, it is unlikely to happen for him at the age of 31. Other fine players who have had little or no chance at international level include: Ben Smith (34) and David Hemp (35), two of the classiest looking batters on the circuit, for whom it is probably too late. Too late as well, I suspect, for Nic Pothas (32), who I read somewhere is now qualified for England: he is not the greatest keeper (but considerably better than G Jones) but he batted with such brilliance last season that he had many saying he should get a chance with England. Another who had a great season with the bat was your old mate Tony McGrath (now 30) who ticked Uncle Dunc’s boxes three years ago. Of the bowlers, one who deserves another chance is Ryan Sidebottom (28), while Min Patel (35), Gary Keedy and Jason Brown (both 31) are consistently three of the best spinners in the country. One player I believe will get a comeback chance is Chris Read (27), now demonstrably superior to G Jones in both departments.
Final thoughts on the Winter’s activities
The International Come-One Club welcomed Monty and Lardarse to its membership as the Indians jogged gentle singles to them at will. An unlikely member of this club turns out to be Tendulkar who is now decidedly slow out of the blocks and England found him a soft option for the easy single when he was at mid off.
Congratulations to the Indian television coverage. Although they could do nothing about the sunspots, which interrupted transmissions, they managed to eliminate the sounds of the dreaded Barmy Army. How did I know they were there? I spotted in the crowd the ghastly Jimmy of the white St George’s cross singlet and matching top hat who had impaired my day in the Hollies stand at Edgbaston last summer.
Teflon dropped an absolutely straightforward catch off the outside edge standing up to Panesar. Expectations are now so low of this goon that the commentators say that it was a really difficult chance. Most club second eleven keepers would have been ashamed to miss it.
Predictably the English press made more of Cook’s efforts than the splendidly named Jaffer’s. The latter has only played a handful of tests and looked the more accomplished batsman. Jaffer was surely meant to be a bowler, though, wasn’t he?
We are not yet very familiar with the Dhoni phenomenon, which is growing into Afridi like proportions. There was apparently a larger crowd to watch him at practice on the day before the test than actually turned up to watch England bat on the first day. Incidentally during this net session he hit one delivery from the nets situated at one end of the ground almost over the boundary at the other end.
I have absolutely no idea why Dean Jones was part of the commentary team for this match. Being neither Indian nor English there seemed no logical place for him. Perhaps he is trying to develop a sort of All Things to All Nations Greigness. He always tries to introduce unwarranted and inappropriate excitement into the proceedings normally involving slogging. For example when Kumble had been grinding out a rearguard action for over three hours with Kaif and had reached 45 Deano grabs the mike and says “I wonder if he will try to go 50 with a six”. With every moronic outburst it becomes increasingly difficult to remember what a good player he was.
Ray’s Eight Charlie Puckett sent me these invaluable notes to fill in the time whilst we wait for the great man’s own explanation of his LBW haul on his league debut
I feel it my duty to fill the reader in with some, hitherto, unknown stories of the, mercifully short (it seems much longer), umpiring career of the great Peter Ray.
In my capacity as Secretary of the Middlesex County Cricket League, I am privy to the Captain’s Report Forms and the comments on the umpires thereon.
Peter began his league umpiring at about the same time as we expanded the League to three divisions and invited 10 brand new clubs into the fold – most of who had never heard of the great man.
An early report began “ … I know we are new to the League and you obviously do things differently to the ways we are used to, but, is it normal for the umpire to conduct a master class with the young left-arm spinner of the opposition in the middle of his spell?”
Worse was to follow. A couple of weeks later, the report (from a different captain) went along the lines of “… Whilst I cannot disagree with a thing he said, I am not sure it is right for the umpire to say that about the batsmen, the bowlers, the fielding or my captaincy decisions during play…”
Last year I had occasion to phone Bob Baxter, the League Chairman, one Sunday morning. I started by asking him if he was sitting down and prepared for some information. Thinking the worst, he said apprehensively, “What’s happened?”
I replied, “You aren’t going to believe this, Bob. Peter Ray is reporting a player for misbehaving on the field of play.” There was a long pause, it must have gone on for at least a couple of hours, before Bob’s strangled voice came back, choking over his ReddyBrek, “What?” I had to repeat myself – mainly because I was struggling to believe it myself. My how we laughed!
He actually phoned me himself to tell me of his 8-wicket haul. It’s probably not the best ever in the League: certainly not for a man boasting the League’s only 10-wicket haul (although it must be said that he was meant to involve himself in that one). But it must be something of a record on debut! I’ll leave him to tell you of that for himself.
Incidentally, everything he said about Stuart-King is correct and you are strongly advised to have a look at www.cricketofficials.co.uk.
Banger’s Virus The Great Jack Morgan gives us the skinny on Banger’s mystery virus
Banger’s “virus” was total nonsense. There should be no need to invent this sort of bollocks. If it was a private matter, he should just say, “it was a private matter and I’m not going to discuss it. Next question.” Banger is a good player, of course, but he has often been disappointing abroad and I am not as confident as you are that he will be the key man next winter. On the last Aussie tour, he passed fifty only once (in his first innings of the series) as the home pace bowlers ruthlessly exploited his lack of foot movement. The quicks got him nine times in the series, Lee alone got him four times and Gilchrist caught him five times. Vaughan, Stewart, Crawley, Hussain and Butcher all did better than Banger’s average of 26. He has established something of a pattern whereby he starts a tour well then falls away rather badly... perhaps the virus catches up with him? By the way, Selvey’s plan to bat Banger at 4 was not of his own invention. This is apparently an idea that Fletcher himself has floated in the past, which gives it much more credibility.
Sartorial Matters
Ramesh Powar is becoming one of my new favourite players. Not least because physically he makes me look decidedly sylph like. However, he bowls and fields in red plastic wrap-around sunglasses. This must be decidedly off-putting for the batsman. How can you take seriously a bowler who looks like a bluebottle or rather a redbottle? But of the old style non-doozra off spinners he must be the best around these days. He has great changes of flight and pace.
Strange Eleven
I didn’t make much progress with last month’s Strange Eleven but took the following bollocking from the Great Jack Morgan when I admitted as much to him: “Strange XI: your pathetic waffling about not having the right books does not impress me because I have already told you the answer and where to confirm it. “It is a recognition thing and you will find it in Wisden”: it must be as plain as a pikestaff or some other cliché that these blokes were all Wisden Cricketers of the Year! Are these clues too subtle for you? Try this bunch:
Roshan Mahanama
Sherwin Campbell
Andrew Jones
David Hookes
Clive Rice
Duncan Fletcher
Syed Kirmani (w/k)
Ray Bright
Gavin Larsen
Sarfraz Nawaz
Michael Holding
So once again all you have to do is work out which Jazz Hat they have in common.
Rangers Matters Before he left for another overseas sunning session The Great Jack Morgan sent me this report
I spoke to Jim Revier last night and he reported that:
a) The Rangers have been just as bad as results have indicated;
b) They are trying to get cash in for several of the “star” players, making relegation next season look almost certain;
c) He is definitely not renewing his season ticket;
Reminder
If you drive a car and are mentally deficient it is compulsory that during May and June you fly a white flag with a red cross on it. If you are designated at the moronic level you must fly two.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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