G&C 253
GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 253
January 2024
Spot the Ball
Ken Molloy sent me this iconic photo
Old Wanker’s Almanac
Its that time of year again
January
The Mad Mott says that there were “plenty of positives” to take from the double white ball series losses in the Caribbean to Second Division opponents. No one agrees with him and there are calls for his replacement before the T20 WC.
The Sportsview Personality of the Year is invited to appear as a Guest on Match of the Day. Nobody recognises her in the studio, and she is escorted from the set before the show begins.
As expected, Everton are docked another nine points for going into administration.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer is asked why the UK is now considered a second-rate nation. He replies, “We have nothing left to exploit, we gave away the colonies, we have banned the extraction of our national resources, we eliminated cheap labour by paying our workers a minimum wage, we sold off our nationalized industries, the NHS is failing from mismanagement, we choose not to look after our retired citizens adequately and we left the EEC.”
Rasmus Hojlund leaves Manchester United for 5k in a transfer to Rochdale where the fans still believe he is overpriced. Manchester United fans suggest that the 72m loss should be borne by Erik von Haag personally. This is on top of the ridiculous 82m paid out for Antony. Von Haag takes it seriously and files for bankruptcy.
February
Leus du Plooy cancels his contract to play for Middlesex in 2024. He says that he hadn’t realized that he would be playing in the Second Division.
Overheard on the bus. “What do you mean the war in Ukraine is still going on? I thought that there was now one in Gaza to replace it.”
The Doctors’ strike ends when the government caves in and pays them the full 35% demanded to recompense them for sub inflation level increases since 2008.
Rodney Marsh confirms that he had been approached by Gary Ainsworth, during his catastrophic reign as the Rangers manager, to return to the club and wear his famous Number 10 shirt again.
It had to happen. During two games being played simultaneously identical incidents are referred to VAR. In one game VAR sides with the attacking team and in the other the defending team. It is unanimously agreed that VAR should be replaced by the geezer on the halfway line wearing a flat cap and drinking from a hip flask.
March
Rishi Sunak is deposed as Tory Leader and Prime Minister only hours after calling for a May election. Under Tory Party emergency measures Boris Johnson is installed as party leader and Prime Minister.
Like Cancelo last year, Rodri is suddenly out of favour and out of the side at Pep City. He goes on loan to Real Madrid and his name is never spoken of again. No explanation is given.
King Charles abdicates saying that only then will he be able to express any opinions of his own. What he fails to realise is that no one cares what he thinks anyway.
The TUC employ the Doctors Union to instruct them in the ways of successful pay negotiation. In lesson one it is explained to them that every time they accept a pay deal less than the rate of inflation they are reducing their standard of living and that the difference should be added to the next year’s claim.
In a scoop, the Mail on Sunday discloses that the geezer on the halfway line who is to replace VAR is also the guy who assesses at cricket matches the speed of deliveries bowled. As in “Shit, that was quick, I’ll press the 90mph button.”
For the first time Wisden’s five cricketers of the year are all women. The editor says that he can’t see men getting onto the short list in the future. The fact that no one has heard of any of the women is apparently irrelevant.
After months of pleading Durham are admitted to the Hundred. A week later the sorry competition is cancelled.
Ben Stokes is selected for the T20 World Cup. Phil Salt is left out to accommodate him. The Mad Mott says “Stokes is essential to the team as he is “Inspirational”.”
Everton are docked six points for using the wrong-coloured corner flags.
The answer is Global Warming! Scientists categorically prove that the reason cricket balls swing is down to Global Warming.
April
Boris Johnson adopts the election slogan: “Ban inflation and close the borders”. Soon everybody is quoting it as the panacea for all ills.
Umpires are replaced by robots controlled by AI. They are soon deemed unnecessarily complex since all they have to do is draw a TV screen with their metallic arms.
The Covid Inquiry suggests that the decision to empty the hospitals of infected elderly patients and sending them to the Care Homes was an act of genocide. It considers referring those responsible to the Court of Human Rights at The Hague.
Mick Lynch says that he never studied Statistics in his youth and having listened to the Doctors now wants to negotiate wage increases to cover shortfalls in annual rises going back to the end of the Second World War.
May
Johnson sweeps to a massive electoral victory on the back of his puerile slogan. Keir Starmer resigns just before the Labour Party is disbanded as ineffectual.
Blaming Global Warming, Middlesex take the field in shorts. MCC members in the pavilion are outraged and demand that Middlesex are banned from playing at the ground.
Winner of the “Look at me I’m a Prick” category was the Sheffield United midfielder who played the first half with his hair dyed green and then reappeared for the second half with it red.
Everton are docked all and any other remaining points for being based in Liverpool.
June
The Inspirational Stokes fields with a splint on his leg in the T20 WC, cannot bowl and is dismissed for 3 after falling over as he advanced down the wicket against the bowler. The Mad Mott says “It took real courage to do that. What an inspiration that man is.” Meanwhile Phil Salt hits a double century in a T20 match for Lancashire.
Egbert Tonsil, a 6ft 10-inch fast bowler playing for Shepherds Bush 2nd XI is selected for England in the first test of the summer. The selectors say he is genuinely quick and has outstanding potential. His best bowling figures so far are 2 for 39.
After a scramble down to the last day of the season, Brentford, Fulham and Sheffield United are relegated from the Premiership. Everton will play in the National Conference next year.
Out & About with the Professor
Christmas, as all dedicated Googlies’ readers know, is a time for cricket books. It is the occasion when family and friends, in the annual quest for an alternative to chocs and socks, find themselves grabbing anything in Waterstones with “cricket” on the cover to wrap up and plonk under the tree. There is seldom a shortage since cricket is, by a country mile, the most literary of sports – although as it must be conceded - that particular bar is not set very high.
This year three books tiptoed into my stocking: two “autobiographies” and a glossy illustrated book of cricket venues.
The Times Cricket Grounds of the World is, I suppose, the cricket equivalent of what used to be called a “coffee table” book. It lists 70 grounds (so, far from comprehensive) where Test cricket has been played. Each entry has an attractive photograph and some basic information but the bulk of the text is a report and scorecard of a famous match that has taken place there. Not too hard to guess what the editor chose for Old Trafford or St John’s; more difficult for Headingley (Stokes gets the nod over Botham), or The Gabba (the Tie). There is a nice introduction from Atherton who compares watching cricket at a ground like the Basin Reserve with the concrete stadium of Ahmedabad…it is not too taxing to deduce his preference. So, a book to grace any coffee table should one have such a piece of furniture to hand.
Two things are true about sporting autobiographies: they are rarely written by the sportsperson, and they frequently carry truly excruciatingly punning titles. I have a number of cricket autobiographies “as told to” or “with” someone who can write, and the quality is, inevitably, determined by the ghost writer. I sometimes wonder what the process is like. Does the celebrity spend hours with the amanuensis going over records and old clippings, checking drafts and re-writes, or does s/he do almost nothing but lend their name to the publication. I suppose it might depend on the degree of celebrity. There might even be an inverse relationship between renown and input: the more famous you are, the less you have to do with it. I’ve often wondered if the “star” has even read his/her autobiography. I heard the definitive response to this question in an interview with David Beckham. When asked if he had read his own autobiography, the great man said (think the Beckham accent and boyish smile):
“Well…I’m about half way through it, to tell the truth”.
As for the titles, prepare to groan. On my own bookshelves are: Run Digger by Bill Lawry, Down the Wicket by Graeme Pollock, Chucked Around by Charlie Griffith, Calling the Shots by Michael Vaughan, Opening Up by Geoff Boycott (“as told to”… anyone who would listen) and on and grimly on. This year’s contributions are: Broadly Speaking by Stuart Broad and Keeper of Faith by Tatenda Taibu (the Zimbabwean wicket keeper who turned to Jesus later in life). Why do they do it? I suppose “My Life” isn’t too eye-catching a title, but there has to be something better than these dreadful puns.
The Broad book, timed to coincide with Christmas and the Honours list, goes through his life and career with a fair bit of fucus on Bazball. The flyleaf promises to take the reader “into the dressing room” but the revelation that Stokes says: “Come on boys, we’re better than this” during the Headingley teatime is not too shocking. Broad (“with Richard Gibson”) also spends much of the first chapter telling us that his decision to retire was made at exactly the right time when he could “go out at the top”, etc. Indeed he says this so frequently that you think he must (at least by now) believe it himself. It’s a good enough read, (although littered with cliches) and I didn’t, for example, know the bit about his premature birth and persistent lung problem. For someone who could, at times, hardly breath, 604 Test wickets doesn’t seem too bad does it? Indeed, I think that in the adulation of Anderson, rather too little attention has been paid to such a stunning career.
Tatenda Taibu is a name perhaps less well-known (to me at least) and I have a signed copy of Keeping the Faith which might mean that it is not that well known to many others. An erstwhile colleague once told me that he had written a particularly undistinguished book on business economics of which the unsigned copies were collectors’ items. What is quite strange about Taibu’s book is that he doesn’t come out of it as a particularly nice person. Most autobiographies (whoever they are “told to”) present the author as a worthy and delightful character (the Boycott ones certainly do)…but not here. Taibu was in and around the Test side at the most challenging of times in Zimbabwean cricket under Mugabe, when Flower and Olonga wore their black armbands. Taibu, who went on to captain the side, also had serious runs-in with the authorities, but they seemed to be mainly about money and being given insufficient recognition for “who he was”. After declaring himself unavailable and then being persuaded back, he again leaves to be “born again” and replace “anger” with “forgiveness” – or perhaps self-pity with self-righteousness. It’s very odd – at least in my experience – to read an autobiography and come away with the feeling that the writer is not someone you would particularly wish to meet.
Anyway, three more books for the shelves. Why do I keep them? Well… who throws away books?
This & That
After another weekend of Premiership footballers blasting the ball over the bar and shooting wide when presented with an open goal my chum Aitch said it was time that I opened the shooting academy at Combs. Players guilty of shooting over the bar or wide at the weekends matches would be sent to my Academy where they would spend the week on shooting practice. There will be no goalkeepers only an empty gaping net. The basic exercise would be to score a hundred times consecutively. Any miss would require another hundred attempts. Once this has been achieved the scorer would be given an hour off to go and visit our local barber shop.
In their T20 match against Northern Districts Central Districts had reached 95 for 4 in the thirteenth over when Doug Bracewell came to the crease. He finished on 93 not out from 33 balls as his side reached 206 for 5. Test bowler Neil Wagner went for 63 in his four overs.
In previous years the T10 from Abu Dhabi has produced frantic hitting and relatively enormous scores. 150 used to be a standard total but this year 100 often proved a good score. Was it the wickets or improved bowling? Who knows. Even the usually excitable Danny Morrison was subdued in the commentary box. Perhaps he was missing the effervescent Graeme Swann whose favourite, TKC, played the outstanding innings of the tournament. Kohler-Cadmore scored 69 not out from 19 balls having reached his half century in thirteen balls.
Size Matters
Steve Thompson dares to tackle this tricky matter
When it comes to the modern-day footballer apparently size matters or it seems it does where shin guards are concerned.
In a recent match at Brighton the referee was seen to bend down and pick up what looked like a very small white post-it note. This turned out to be a shin guard. Whilst 18 year-old Jack Hinshelwood, to whom it belonged, has been at Brighton since a young boy one would have hoped he would have moved on from wearing the ones he was given for his fifth birthday.
In terms of common sense, it appears to be the equivalent of sticking a Kleenex down your jock strap before facing Shoaib Akhtar. When one considers how easily injured they appear to be as they go down in a writhing heap after being tickled you might imagine they’d need all the protection they can find. The reason for minimising their size apparently is that they are restrictive of movement. Surely not half as restrictive as a broken tib and fib!
According to the BBC Sports News, ‘Football’s lawmakers have no plans to regulate shin pad dimensions despite concerns over their shrinking size.’
Shin pads have been mandatory under the laws of Association Football since 1990. All that is required is that they fit inside the player’s socks. Inevitably this has led to a sock length which would look ridiculous even on the Prime Minister and means shin pads must shrink to the size of those worn by Subbuteo players.
I can’t make up my mind whether this is really about comfort and ease of movement or just a case of trying to gain that miniscule extra advantage in the same way that corner kick takers place the ball on the last one millimeter of quadrant whitewash. It’s of no actual consequence but it clearly makes them feel better. Or is it the Dave Brailsford ‘Change one hundred things by one percent and change everything 100 per cent’ theory in action? United will soon discover if that works!
I was given a front row seat of that pro-footballer steal-a-march psyche at Faro airport last July when the Bristol Rovers squad who had been on our flight seeking warm weather training on the Algarve (it having been an icy cold 23 degrees Centigrade when we left Bristol) tried to queue jump two hundred fellow arrivals in the passport queue. They were summarily marched to the back of the queue by two diminutive no-nonsense Portuguese female airport staff. Much to the amusement of some queuing City fans also on our Bristol flight.
Anyway, back to the pads. Interestingly the Laws of Cricket do not make the wearing of pads or indeed any protection compulsory (other than helmets since 2016) and so it is somewhat ironic to discover that it was the cricket pad that spawned the shin guard. It is widely believed to have been the idea of Sam ‘Weller’ Widdowson who like many more in the Victorian era played both professional football and cricket (Forest and Nottinghamshire). Indeed, he first donned a cut down pair of his old cricket pads in 1874 turning out for Forest and no doubt Jack Hinshelwood will soon be raising a glass of his favourite electrolyte-loaded sports drink to celebrate 150 years of the shin guard.
When he stopped playing Sam became a football referee and was in charge of the first ever match in which goal nets were used. Early photographic evidence below suggests he may also be the creator of the very first Spot the Ball competition.
The homogeneity of the modern cricket pad seems far removed from the individual quirks of those strewn about club dressing rooms of the 1970s and 80s. I think you could have lined up all eleven pairs of a South Hampstead first XI’s pads and had a pretty good chance of matching the pad to its owner. Some were more iconic than others. Terry Cordaroy’s left pad (see below) was always facing the bowler and the floppy part above the knee roll wobbled whenever he was struck on the front pad more especially when he padded up....ah those were the days. Alan Cox’s ‘wafer thins’ will have afforded as much protection as Hinshelwood’s shin pad but fortunately Alan’s shins was rarely required to don them. In the early 80’s Ranji Kerai started wearing pads which were made of a particularly highly sprung material which saw him in danger of being caught bat-pad at extra cover more than once!
The cricket pad and shin guard are not of course the only protective items that have developed over the years. Before the thigh pad became a thing many a hand towel was threaded through a jock strap belt and in all honesty was a little more forgiving and comfortable but perhaps not quite so effective. One of the earliest attempts to protect the head in the modern era was a skull cap. Sunil Gavaskar certainly had one under his cap when facing the quicks as did Mike Brearley. I seem to recall the two pieces designed to protect his ears appeared partially ‘painted’ in a silvery grey and black to look like his hair and sideburns protruding from under his cap - an early, if not bizarre, Barnet Matters.
To be a little fairer to Jack Hinshelwood, when protection becomes obstructive the desire to improve and modify becomes one of necessity. I wore a helmet in the last three seasons I played in the early 90’s. It was heavy, generally uncomfortable and the grill created, it seemed to me, several blind spots. Unlike every other piece of protection I could never forget I was wearing it and in those latter seasons I batted in glasses; not a great combination. I was hit on the grill once during that time and given the presence of my spectacles behind I was very glad of the helmet. I’ve no doubt thirty years on the modern helmet is much lighter and better ventilated than its predecessors. That said when, in 2016, the helmet became the only protective item to be mandatory several high-profile players, including Alastair Cook, initially refused to wear the new ICC compliant model arguing it was uncomfortable and distracting.
Perhaps Sir Alastair and the young Jack Hinshelwood are, after all, on the same side of the fence.
Big Gloves
I have been wondering why goalkeepers wear large gloves these days when their predecessors in the sixties and earlier hardly ever wore them. I decided to ask our goalkeeping guru Ken Molloy:
Did you ever wear gloves in your keeping days. If so when and why? What is theory behind the modern trend?
Ken: I wore simple woollen gloves from Woolworths when it was wet to stop the ball from slipping. I had two pairs in case the first pair became sodden. They were no good on dry days though as they made it more difficult to grip the ball.
I wrote to Peter Bonnetti at Chelsea to ask him what gloves he wore on cold dry days (yes there were some) and received a hand written letter, which I now wish I had kept, saying he wore the white cotton medical gloves from Boots. They were really good as they kept my hands warm but still let you “feel” the ball which was important for catching it.
Keepers today are lucky to have the gloves they do as they keep the hands, warm and protected as well as having surfaces that help grip the ball. I have a couple of finger joints now which would have benefited from that protection.
Given the help they get from the gloves I am surprised keepers do not catch the ball more often. I know it moves more today than the old days but it seems catching the ball has been drilled out of them as there are still a lot of very catchable shots which they punch or palm away. Ironically I remember Toffee Palmer shouting at me if I saved a low fast shot close to my legs with my feet rather than diving on it (diving over it would have been more likely).
The puzzle I never solved and have no idea how professional keepers did was how to prevent the painful cuts and bruises particularly to the knee and hip from diving on the hard dry pitches at the beginning and end of the season. Today it is probably helped by the much better pitches and watering but in the old days the goal mouth area in particular often had little or no grass. When I trained at Loftus road almost all the pich was just rolled mud with stud marks.
I replied:
But what is the benefit of these big mits they wear now that look like table tennis bats. Surely they make catching harder. Is that why so many punch?
I can only assume that they assist one handed saves as they make it easier to bat the ball away. Keepers, I understand have to “make themselves big” and the gloves must add inches around the hands. But overall it must make it harder to handle the ball.
Ken replied:
I could pretend that I invented the use of gloves for keepers but this article seems to make sense:
“Before the 1970s, goalkeepers didn't use gloves at all. They relied on their bare hands to make saves, which could be painful and even dangerous. However, in 1970, the legendary goalkeeper Lev Yashin of the Soviet Union wore gloves in the World Cup, and they caught on quickly.
Early goalie gloves were thin, without any padding or finger protection. They were mainly used to improve grip on the ball, especially in wet or muddy conditions. However, as the game became faster and more physical, goalkeepers needed more protection for their hands and fingers.
In the 1980s, manufacturers began to add more padding and protection to goalie gloves. This made it easier for goalkeepers to punch the ball away from danger and to make saves without fear of injury. They also added wrist supports and finger spines to provide more stability and prevent hyperextension.
The 1990s saw the introduction of latex foam palms, which greatly improved grip on the ball. This allowed goalkeepers to make more confident and secure catches, even from hard shots. As the game continued to evolve, so did goalie gloves. Today, they are a vital piece of equipment for any goalkeeper, amateur or professional.
Modern goalie gloves are much larger than their predecessors. They cover most of the hand, wrist, and lower arm, and they often have thick padding on the backhand and fingers. This is because of the increased speed and power of modern shots, which can cause serious injury to a goalkeeper's hands and fingers. The larger gloves provide more protection and make it easier to catch and hold onto the ball.
In addition, modern gloves are designed to be very lightweight and flexible. This allows goalkeepers to move their hands and fingers freely, which is essential for making quick reactions and saves. The gloves are also very breathable, which helps to prevent sweat buildup and keep the hands cool and comfortable during a game.
In conclusion, the evolution of goalkeeper gloves has been driven by the need for more protection and better grip on the ball. From thin, simple gloves to the large, padded, and high-tech gloves of today, they have become an essential piece of equipment for any goalkeeper. If you're thinking of becoming a goalkeeper, don't forget to invest in a good pair of gloves!”
Maybe we will start seeing big boots next…
But then by chance Steve Caley, another keeper of note, sent me this picture of Taylor Swift, asking “Could she be Johnny Wardle’s love child?”
I couldn’t resist bringing him into the debate. He responded:
“I do know that the gardening gloves I wear are not dissimilar from what are now in use and which seem to only allow punching and not catching. They themselves are rather different from the twee green ones (Peter Bonetti type) that I favoured being a Chelsea fan and they were themselves very different from the Ron Springett’s that I originally had - these were string driving gloves with what looked like chopped up spotty bicycle inner tubes stuck on the fingers and the palm - ah, progress!!!”
Barnet Watch
Most of the white guys now sport severe short back and sides haircuts and as they come out onto the pitch look like a bunch of conscripts going off to national service in the fifties.
But Wan Bissaka has made a comeback at Manchester United, and he still wears his hair gathered in a ponytail at the back and he looks like an old fashioned floor mop.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
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James Sharp
Broad Lee House
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High Peak
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[email protected]
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 253
January 2024
Spot the Ball
Ken Molloy sent me this iconic photo
Old Wanker’s Almanac
Its that time of year again
January
The Mad Mott says that there were “plenty of positives” to take from the double white ball series losses in the Caribbean to Second Division opponents. No one agrees with him and there are calls for his replacement before the T20 WC.
The Sportsview Personality of the Year is invited to appear as a Guest on Match of the Day. Nobody recognises her in the studio, and she is escorted from the set before the show begins.
As expected, Everton are docked another nine points for going into administration.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer is asked why the UK is now considered a second-rate nation. He replies, “We have nothing left to exploit, we gave away the colonies, we have banned the extraction of our national resources, we eliminated cheap labour by paying our workers a minimum wage, we sold off our nationalized industries, the NHS is failing from mismanagement, we choose not to look after our retired citizens adequately and we left the EEC.”
Rasmus Hojlund leaves Manchester United for 5k in a transfer to Rochdale where the fans still believe he is overpriced. Manchester United fans suggest that the 72m loss should be borne by Erik von Haag personally. This is on top of the ridiculous 82m paid out for Antony. Von Haag takes it seriously and files for bankruptcy.
February
Leus du Plooy cancels his contract to play for Middlesex in 2024. He says that he hadn’t realized that he would be playing in the Second Division.
Overheard on the bus. “What do you mean the war in Ukraine is still going on? I thought that there was now one in Gaza to replace it.”
The Doctors’ strike ends when the government caves in and pays them the full 35% demanded to recompense them for sub inflation level increases since 2008.
Rodney Marsh confirms that he had been approached by Gary Ainsworth, during his catastrophic reign as the Rangers manager, to return to the club and wear his famous Number 10 shirt again.
It had to happen. During two games being played simultaneously identical incidents are referred to VAR. In one game VAR sides with the attacking team and in the other the defending team. It is unanimously agreed that VAR should be replaced by the geezer on the halfway line wearing a flat cap and drinking from a hip flask.
March
Rishi Sunak is deposed as Tory Leader and Prime Minister only hours after calling for a May election. Under Tory Party emergency measures Boris Johnson is installed as party leader and Prime Minister.
Like Cancelo last year, Rodri is suddenly out of favour and out of the side at Pep City. He goes on loan to Real Madrid and his name is never spoken of again. No explanation is given.
King Charles abdicates saying that only then will he be able to express any opinions of his own. What he fails to realise is that no one cares what he thinks anyway.
The TUC employ the Doctors Union to instruct them in the ways of successful pay negotiation. In lesson one it is explained to them that every time they accept a pay deal less than the rate of inflation they are reducing their standard of living and that the difference should be added to the next year’s claim.
In a scoop, the Mail on Sunday discloses that the geezer on the halfway line who is to replace VAR is also the guy who assesses at cricket matches the speed of deliveries bowled. As in “Shit, that was quick, I’ll press the 90mph button.”
For the first time Wisden’s five cricketers of the year are all women. The editor says that he can’t see men getting onto the short list in the future. The fact that no one has heard of any of the women is apparently irrelevant.
After months of pleading Durham are admitted to the Hundred. A week later the sorry competition is cancelled.
Ben Stokes is selected for the T20 World Cup. Phil Salt is left out to accommodate him. The Mad Mott says “Stokes is essential to the team as he is “Inspirational”.”
Everton are docked six points for using the wrong-coloured corner flags.
The answer is Global Warming! Scientists categorically prove that the reason cricket balls swing is down to Global Warming.
April
Boris Johnson adopts the election slogan: “Ban inflation and close the borders”. Soon everybody is quoting it as the panacea for all ills.
Umpires are replaced by robots controlled by AI. They are soon deemed unnecessarily complex since all they have to do is draw a TV screen with their metallic arms.
The Covid Inquiry suggests that the decision to empty the hospitals of infected elderly patients and sending them to the Care Homes was an act of genocide. It considers referring those responsible to the Court of Human Rights at The Hague.
Mick Lynch says that he never studied Statistics in his youth and having listened to the Doctors now wants to negotiate wage increases to cover shortfalls in annual rises going back to the end of the Second World War.
May
Johnson sweeps to a massive electoral victory on the back of his puerile slogan. Keir Starmer resigns just before the Labour Party is disbanded as ineffectual.
Blaming Global Warming, Middlesex take the field in shorts. MCC members in the pavilion are outraged and demand that Middlesex are banned from playing at the ground.
Winner of the “Look at me I’m a Prick” category was the Sheffield United midfielder who played the first half with his hair dyed green and then reappeared for the second half with it red.
Everton are docked all and any other remaining points for being based in Liverpool.
June
The Inspirational Stokes fields with a splint on his leg in the T20 WC, cannot bowl and is dismissed for 3 after falling over as he advanced down the wicket against the bowler. The Mad Mott says “It took real courage to do that. What an inspiration that man is.” Meanwhile Phil Salt hits a double century in a T20 match for Lancashire.
Egbert Tonsil, a 6ft 10-inch fast bowler playing for Shepherds Bush 2nd XI is selected for England in the first test of the summer. The selectors say he is genuinely quick and has outstanding potential. His best bowling figures so far are 2 for 39.
After a scramble down to the last day of the season, Brentford, Fulham and Sheffield United are relegated from the Premiership. Everton will play in the National Conference next year.
Out & About with the Professor
Christmas, as all dedicated Googlies’ readers know, is a time for cricket books. It is the occasion when family and friends, in the annual quest for an alternative to chocs and socks, find themselves grabbing anything in Waterstones with “cricket” on the cover to wrap up and plonk under the tree. There is seldom a shortage since cricket is, by a country mile, the most literary of sports – although as it must be conceded - that particular bar is not set very high.
This year three books tiptoed into my stocking: two “autobiographies” and a glossy illustrated book of cricket venues.
The Times Cricket Grounds of the World is, I suppose, the cricket equivalent of what used to be called a “coffee table” book. It lists 70 grounds (so, far from comprehensive) where Test cricket has been played. Each entry has an attractive photograph and some basic information but the bulk of the text is a report and scorecard of a famous match that has taken place there. Not too hard to guess what the editor chose for Old Trafford or St John’s; more difficult for Headingley (Stokes gets the nod over Botham), or The Gabba (the Tie). There is a nice introduction from Atherton who compares watching cricket at a ground like the Basin Reserve with the concrete stadium of Ahmedabad…it is not too taxing to deduce his preference. So, a book to grace any coffee table should one have such a piece of furniture to hand.
Two things are true about sporting autobiographies: they are rarely written by the sportsperson, and they frequently carry truly excruciatingly punning titles. I have a number of cricket autobiographies “as told to” or “with” someone who can write, and the quality is, inevitably, determined by the ghost writer. I sometimes wonder what the process is like. Does the celebrity spend hours with the amanuensis going over records and old clippings, checking drafts and re-writes, or does s/he do almost nothing but lend their name to the publication. I suppose it might depend on the degree of celebrity. There might even be an inverse relationship between renown and input: the more famous you are, the less you have to do with it. I’ve often wondered if the “star” has even read his/her autobiography. I heard the definitive response to this question in an interview with David Beckham. When asked if he had read his own autobiography, the great man said (think the Beckham accent and boyish smile):
“Well…I’m about half way through it, to tell the truth”.
As for the titles, prepare to groan. On my own bookshelves are: Run Digger by Bill Lawry, Down the Wicket by Graeme Pollock, Chucked Around by Charlie Griffith, Calling the Shots by Michael Vaughan, Opening Up by Geoff Boycott (“as told to”… anyone who would listen) and on and grimly on. This year’s contributions are: Broadly Speaking by Stuart Broad and Keeper of Faith by Tatenda Taibu (the Zimbabwean wicket keeper who turned to Jesus later in life). Why do they do it? I suppose “My Life” isn’t too eye-catching a title, but there has to be something better than these dreadful puns.
The Broad book, timed to coincide with Christmas and the Honours list, goes through his life and career with a fair bit of fucus on Bazball. The flyleaf promises to take the reader “into the dressing room” but the revelation that Stokes says: “Come on boys, we’re better than this” during the Headingley teatime is not too shocking. Broad (“with Richard Gibson”) also spends much of the first chapter telling us that his decision to retire was made at exactly the right time when he could “go out at the top”, etc. Indeed he says this so frequently that you think he must (at least by now) believe it himself. It’s a good enough read, (although littered with cliches) and I didn’t, for example, know the bit about his premature birth and persistent lung problem. For someone who could, at times, hardly breath, 604 Test wickets doesn’t seem too bad does it? Indeed, I think that in the adulation of Anderson, rather too little attention has been paid to such a stunning career.
Tatenda Taibu is a name perhaps less well-known (to me at least) and I have a signed copy of Keeping the Faith which might mean that it is not that well known to many others. An erstwhile colleague once told me that he had written a particularly undistinguished book on business economics of which the unsigned copies were collectors’ items. What is quite strange about Taibu’s book is that he doesn’t come out of it as a particularly nice person. Most autobiographies (whoever they are “told to”) present the author as a worthy and delightful character (the Boycott ones certainly do)…but not here. Taibu was in and around the Test side at the most challenging of times in Zimbabwean cricket under Mugabe, when Flower and Olonga wore their black armbands. Taibu, who went on to captain the side, also had serious runs-in with the authorities, but they seemed to be mainly about money and being given insufficient recognition for “who he was”. After declaring himself unavailable and then being persuaded back, he again leaves to be “born again” and replace “anger” with “forgiveness” – or perhaps self-pity with self-righteousness. It’s very odd – at least in my experience – to read an autobiography and come away with the feeling that the writer is not someone you would particularly wish to meet.
Anyway, three more books for the shelves. Why do I keep them? Well… who throws away books?
This & That
After another weekend of Premiership footballers blasting the ball over the bar and shooting wide when presented with an open goal my chum Aitch said it was time that I opened the shooting academy at Combs. Players guilty of shooting over the bar or wide at the weekends matches would be sent to my Academy where they would spend the week on shooting practice. There will be no goalkeepers only an empty gaping net. The basic exercise would be to score a hundred times consecutively. Any miss would require another hundred attempts. Once this has been achieved the scorer would be given an hour off to go and visit our local barber shop.
In their T20 match against Northern Districts Central Districts had reached 95 for 4 in the thirteenth over when Doug Bracewell came to the crease. He finished on 93 not out from 33 balls as his side reached 206 for 5. Test bowler Neil Wagner went for 63 in his four overs.
In previous years the T10 from Abu Dhabi has produced frantic hitting and relatively enormous scores. 150 used to be a standard total but this year 100 often proved a good score. Was it the wickets or improved bowling? Who knows. Even the usually excitable Danny Morrison was subdued in the commentary box. Perhaps he was missing the effervescent Graeme Swann whose favourite, TKC, played the outstanding innings of the tournament. Kohler-Cadmore scored 69 not out from 19 balls having reached his half century in thirteen balls.
Size Matters
Steve Thompson dares to tackle this tricky matter
When it comes to the modern-day footballer apparently size matters or it seems it does where shin guards are concerned.
In a recent match at Brighton the referee was seen to bend down and pick up what looked like a very small white post-it note. This turned out to be a shin guard. Whilst 18 year-old Jack Hinshelwood, to whom it belonged, has been at Brighton since a young boy one would have hoped he would have moved on from wearing the ones he was given for his fifth birthday.
In terms of common sense, it appears to be the equivalent of sticking a Kleenex down your jock strap before facing Shoaib Akhtar. When one considers how easily injured they appear to be as they go down in a writhing heap after being tickled you might imagine they’d need all the protection they can find. The reason for minimising their size apparently is that they are restrictive of movement. Surely not half as restrictive as a broken tib and fib!
According to the BBC Sports News, ‘Football’s lawmakers have no plans to regulate shin pad dimensions despite concerns over their shrinking size.’
Shin pads have been mandatory under the laws of Association Football since 1990. All that is required is that they fit inside the player’s socks. Inevitably this has led to a sock length which would look ridiculous even on the Prime Minister and means shin pads must shrink to the size of those worn by Subbuteo players.
I can’t make up my mind whether this is really about comfort and ease of movement or just a case of trying to gain that miniscule extra advantage in the same way that corner kick takers place the ball on the last one millimeter of quadrant whitewash. It’s of no actual consequence but it clearly makes them feel better. Or is it the Dave Brailsford ‘Change one hundred things by one percent and change everything 100 per cent’ theory in action? United will soon discover if that works!
I was given a front row seat of that pro-footballer steal-a-march psyche at Faro airport last July when the Bristol Rovers squad who had been on our flight seeking warm weather training on the Algarve (it having been an icy cold 23 degrees Centigrade when we left Bristol) tried to queue jump two hundred fellow arrivals in the passport queue. They were summarily marched to the back of the queue by two diminutive no-nonsense Portuguese female airport staff. Much to the amusement of some queuing City fans also on our Bristol flight.
Anyway, back to the pads. Interestingly the Laws of Cricket do not make the wearing of pads or indeed any protection compulsory (other than helmets since 2016) and so it is somewhat ironic to discover that it was the cricket pad that spawned the shin guard. It is widely believed to have been the idea of Sam ‘Weller’ Widdowson who like many more in the Victorian era played both professional football and cricket (Forest and Nottinghamshire). Indeed, he first donned a cut down pair of his old cricket pads in 1874 turning out for Forest and no doubt Jack Hinshelwood will soon be raising a glass of his favourite electrolyte-loaded sports drink to celebrate 150 years of the shin guard.
When he stopped playing Sam became a football referee and was in charge of the first ever match in which goal nets were used. Early photographic evidence below suggests he may also be the creator of the very first Spot the Ball competition.
The homogeneity of the modern cricket pad seems far removed from the individual quirks of those strewn about club dressing rooms of the 1970s and 80s. I think you could have lined up all eleven pairs of a South Hampstead first XI’s pads and had a pretty good chance of matching the pad to its owner. Some were more iconic than others. Terry Cordaroy’s left pad (see below) was always facing the bowler and the floppy part above the knee roll wobbled whenever he was struck on the front pad more especially when he padded up....ah those were the days. Alan Cox’s ‘wafer thins’ will have afforded as much protection as Hinshelwood’s shin pad but fortunately Alan’s shins was rarely required to don them. In the early 80’s Ranji Kerai started wearing pads which were made of a particularly highly sprung material which saw him in danger of being caught bat-pad at extra cover more than once!
The cricket pad and shin guard are not of course the only protective items that have developed over the years. Before the thigh pad became a thing many a hand towel was threaded through a jock strap belt and in all honesty was a little more forgiving and comfortable but perhaps not quite so effective. One of the earliest attempts to protect the head in the modern era was a skull cap. Sunil Gavaskar certainly had one under his cap when facing the quicks as did Mike Brearley. I seem to recall the two pieces designed to protect his ears appeared partially ‘painted’ in a silvery grey and black to look like his hair and sideburns protruding from under his cap - an early, if not bizarre, Barnet Matters.
To be a little fairer to Jack Hinshelwood, when protection becomes obstructive the desire to improve and modify becomes one of necessity. I wore a helmet in the last three seasons I played in the early 90’s. It was heavy, generally uncomfortable and the grill created, it seemed to me, several blind spots. Unlike every other piece of protection I could never forget I was wearing it and in those latter seasons I batted in glasses; not a great combination. I was hit on the grill once during that time and given the presence of my spectacles behind I was very glad of the helmet. I’ve no doubt thirty years on the modern helmet is much lighter and better ventilated than its predecessors. That said when, in 2016, the helmet became the only protective item to be mandatory several high-profile players, including Alastair Cook, initially refused to wear the new ICC compliant model arguing it was uncomfortable and distracting.
Perhaps Sir Alastair and the young Jack Hinshelwood are, after all, on the same side of the fence.
Big Gloves
I have been wondering why goalkeepers wear large gloves these days when their predecessors in the sixties and earlier hardly ever wore them. I decided to ask our goalkeeping guru Ken Molloy:
Did you ever wear gloves in your keeping days. If so when and why? What is theory behind the modern trend?
Ken: I wore simple woollen gloves from Woolworths when it was wet to stop the ball from slipping. I had two pairs in case the first pair became sodden. They were no good on dry days though as they made it more difficult to grip the ball.
I wrote to Peter Bonnetti at Chelsea to ask him what gloves he wore on cold dry days (yes there were some) and received a hand written letter, which I now wish I had kept, saying he wore the white cotton medical gloves from Boots. They were really good as they kept my hands warm but still let you “feel” the ball which was important for catching it.
Keepers today are lucky to have the gloves they do as they keep the hands, warm and protected as well as having surfaces that help grip the ball. I have a couple of finger joints now which would have benefited from that protection.
Given the help they get from the gloves I am surprised keepers do not catch the ball more often. I know it moves more today than the old days but it seems catching the ball has been drilled out of them as there are still a lot of very catchable shots which they punch or palm away. Ironically I remember Toffee Palmer shouting at me if I saved a low fast shot close to my legs with my feet rather than diving on it (diving over it would have been more likely).
The puzzle I never solved and have no idea how professional keepers did was how to prevent the painful cuts and bruises particularly to the knee and hip from diving on the hard dry pitches at the beginning and end of the season. Today it is probably helped by the much better pitches and watering but in the old days the goal mouth area in particular often had little or no grass. When I trained at Loftus road almost all the pich was just rolled mud with stud marks.
I replied:
But what is the benefit of these big mits they wear now that look like table tennis bats. Surely they make catching harder. Is that why so many punch?
I can only assume that they assist one handed saves as they make it easier to bat the ball away. Keepers, I understand have to “make themselves big” and the gloves must add inches around the hands. But overall it must make it harder to handle the ball.
Ken replied:
I could pretend that I invented the use of gloves for keepers but this article seems to make sense:
“Before the 1970s, goalkeepers didn't use gloves at all. They relied on their bare hands to make saves, which could be painful and even dangerous. However, in 1970, the legendary goalkeeper Lev Yashin of the Soviet Union wore gloves in the World Cup, and they caught on quickly.
Early goalie gloves were thin, without any padding or finger protection. They were mainly used to improve grip on the ball, especially in wet or muddy conditions. However, as the game became faster and more physical, goalkeepers needed more protection for their hands and fingers.
In the 1980s, manufacturers began to add more padding and protection to goalie gloves. This made it easier for goalkeepers to punch the ball away from danger and to make saves without fear of injury. They also added wrist supports and finger spines to provide more stability and prevent hyperextension.
The 1990s saw the introduction of latex foam palms, which greatly improved grip on the ball. This allowed goalkeepers to make more confident and secure catches, even from hard shots. As the game continued to evolve, so did goalie gloves. Today, they are a vital piece of equipment for any goalkeeper, amateur or professional.
Modern goalie gloves are much larger than their predecessors. They cover most of the hand, wrist, and lower arm, and they often have thick padding on the backhand and fingers. This is because of the increased speed and power of modern shots, which can cause serious injury to a goalkeeper's hands and fingers. The larger gloves provide more protection and make it easier to catch and hold onto the ball.
In addition, modern gloves are designed to be very lightweight and flexible. This allows goalkeepers to move their hands and fingers freely, which is essential for making quick reactions and saves. The gloves are also very breathable, which helps to prevent sweat buildup and keep the hands cool and comfortable during a game.
In conclusion, the evolution of goalkeeper gloves has been driven by the need for more protection and better grip on the ball. From thin, simple gloves to the large, padded, and high-tech gloves of today, they have become an essential piece of equipment for any goalkeeper. If you're thinking of becoming a goalkeeper, don't forget to invest in a good pair of gloves!”
Maybe we will start seeing big boots next…
But then by chance Steve Caley, another keeper of note, sent me this picture of Taylor Swift, asking “Could she be Johnny Wardle’s love child?”
I couldn’t resist bringing him into the debate. He responded:
“I do know that the gardening gloves I wear are not dissimilar from what are now in use and which seem to only allow punching and not catching. They themselves are rather different from the twee green ones (Peter Bonetti type) that I favoured being a Chelsea fan and they were themselves very different from the Ron Springett’s that I originally had - these were string driving gloves with what looked like chopped up spotty bicycle inner tubes stuck on the fingers and the palm - ah, progress!!!”
Barnet Watch
Most of the white guys now sport severe short back and sides haircuts and as they come out onto the pitch look like a bunch of conscripts going off to national service in the fifties.
But Wan Bissaka has made a comeback at Manchester United, and he still wears his hair gathered in a ponytail at the back and he looks like an old fashioned floor mop.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
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