GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 87
March 2010
Caption Competition
1. Craig Kieswetter: I am more South African than Matt Prior and so they should have no trouble in picking me for England.
Once a year Susan and Phil Sharpe have a “pies and peas” supper at their elegant home in Wetherby. The “peas” are of the mushy variety, and this violent concoction brings about 40 folk to the Sharpe’s house, all of whom seem to be something to do with Yorkshire cricket – past or present. For some reason my wife and I also collect an invitation and so we toddled along.
The format is always the same – pie, peas and a few glasses of wine and lots of cricket chat…perfect! “Regulars” include Don Wilson, John Hampshire and Geoff Cope (together with his new guide dog) and numerous committee and ex-committee members, life members, directors and what not. There was the usual chit-chat: how well is Cook going to do?, should Strauss have taken the time off?, the prevalence of foreign players in county cricket and so on. You must remember that “foreign” has a very specific meaning in Yorkshire, one chap told me that last season a Yorkshire team actually took the field which had a majority of players born outside of God’s-own-county. I think it would be fair to say that he didn’t regard this as a positive development.
There was, obviously, a lot of discussion of Yorkshire’s chances this season. Gale is thought of as a “nice young man” but nobody is really clear about his potential as captain on a full-time basis. The “boys”: Rashid, Shahzad, Bairstow, Wainwright, Lyth, etc., are thought to be “good enough” and given that Yorkshire only have seven capped players, they will have to be. Yorkshire’s overseas player for this season is Ryan Harris. Apart from those who keep a close watch on Australian cricket, Harris is probably best known for his very brief brush with Sussex for whom he signed but did not, I think, actually play - because of a contract with Queensland (or some such tale). I think there was also a sort of glancing blow with Surrey for a game or two. (I haven’t checked this up…but I know some people who will). While he is obviously a very useful player, this is not a track record that inspires undiluted confidence but he was signed in part because he was thought to have the added bonus of being unlikely to be called away for international duties. As soon as the ink was dry, however, it turned out that he has an IPL contract to play for Deccan Diabolicals (or some such) and Australia may also want him. The result is that the New Zealander Daryl Tuffey has been signed as “cover”. Yorkshire do not have an unblemished record in their signing of overseas players – I remember Morkel arriving, bowling a dozen overs or so, going in the hamstring, and getting straight back onto the plane to Jo’burg. We shall see.
The evening also allowed me to renew my acquaintance with Barry Leadbeater. In truth the word “acquaintance” possibly overstates the relationship just a tad. In fact I had met him just once before…in 1966. Unaccountably, Barry did not remember the moment…but I did. On a freezing cold April day I took my university side to Headingley for a warm-up (sic) game against a Yorkshire team of second eleven players and young lads who I suppose would now be called “academy”. Barry Leadbeater captained the side and so (having removed our gloves) we shook hands and tossed up. And frankly, that’s about it. I don’t remember much else about the game except that at one point it started to snow. Barry (we were on first name terms now) generously professed to remembering “them sort a’ games” but somehow scoring hundreds for Yorkshire and officiating at internationals seem to be more prominent in his memory.
There was a lot more and, all in all, a pretty jolly evening. You must come along next time James – I would look forward to introducing Mr Sharp to Mr Sharpe…two Sharps, with and without, so to speak.
Agony Matters At enormous expense Googlies has engaged a top agony uncle, Prof Arthur Smartahs PhD, to respond to reader’s letters
From Kevin, Hampshire
Dear Arthur,
I have lost my edge. I used to be able to flay the best attacks at will. But now I am nervous at the crease and keep getting out to the sort of bowling that previously never even bothered me. My marketing manager told me that settling down with a nice girl would be good for my image and would improve my endorsement potential but I have become too domesticated and fear that I have lost my appetite for runs. I am currently in Bangladesh where I am on a hiding to nothing since even if I score runs people will say that they don’t count. In the England set up the fans would rather watch the Irishman bat than me and my namesake is scoring more my home country than I get for England. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Kevin-You pathetic prat, pull yourself together. Try dying your hair in streaks to look really ridiculous. Make contradictory statements such as you really care about England but then when you get out at a crucial stage say that it’s too bad because that’s the way you play. Come up with some outrageous behaviour that would really upset Lord Ray. Take a leaf out of Tiger’s book and start putting it about a bit and make sure the tabloids get wind of it. In short treat everyone like shit and show that you don’t care. You will soon find you are your old self. Arthur.
From Angus, Stanmore
Dear Arthur,
About a year ago I took on a nice cushy job that gave me plenty of kudos and some financial gain. However, it has rapidly turned into a nightmare. I am managing director of the worst Middlesex team in history and don’t have any strategy to improve things. To make matters worse Vinny seems intent on moving us from Lords to an out of county venue in the sticks. We have hired Ian O’Brien for the season and Adam Gilchrist for the Twenty20s. When I approved it I thought that it was the other way round. I have let my two best wicket keepers go and I just know that Nick Compton will make me look foolish by scoring stacks of runs for Somerset. You are my last chance. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
May I call you Gus?
It sounds to me that you are being used as a prawn in a much bigger game in which dark forces are really pulling the strings. Tell those double-dealing bastards at the MCC to get stuffed. They need you more than you need them. Who would rather go to Lords than Radlett to watch county cricket? The smart thing would be for you to effect a merger or even better get some other county to take you over. That way you can escape with a big pay off and be seen as the saviour of something or other. Come to think of it, you’re stuffed mate. Arthur.
From Samit, Nottingham
Dear Arthur,
I was sent away from an England holiday because I was too fat. I have done everything possible to lose weight. I walk upstairs now rather than take the chair lift and I have stopped using the groundsman’s electric cart to convey me to the crease. Moreover, I have stopped eating lard sandwiches and amended my diet and now only eat: a full English breakfast followed by a bag of doughnuts for elevenses; steak and kidney pie, chips and beans for lunch; a couple of Mars bars to keep me going in the afternoon and some scones with clotted cream for tea. I must admit that I still have a large dinner of takeaway food but since the café doesn’t see me eat it I assume that it doesn’t really count. I usually have a light supper of five layers of processed cheese on toast washed down with a couple of bottles of Guinness. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Samit, you have my deepest sympathies. I looked at the photo that you enclosed with your letter and am delighted that you opted for the clothed version. Through the magic of my computer I have superimposed it on my photo of W.G. Grace and you are still several inches thinner around the waist. I think that you are well off out of the company of the England team. You would only be miserable there. They don’t know what a good time is. Incidentally are you available for lunch on Monday?
If you have a problem that you would like Arthur’s help to solve send it too me in the usual way. All matters will be dealt with in the strictest of confidence. Arthur does not despatch advice on sexual matters
County Matters
The Great Jack Morgan has been keeping his eye on the transfer market
I was a bit surprised that Hants are willing to release C Tremlett (probably to Surrey) in favour of new recruits S Jones and Kabir Ali. It is true that Tremlett's form has been rather variable (usually because of lack of fitness), but both Jones and Kabir are older than Chris and have their own injury worries. Although both Simon and Kabir did well in 2008, Jones has as bad a fitness record as anyone I can think of and did not bowl a ball in 2009, while Kabir's fitness and form allowed him to take only 11 wickets at 44 last season. I am not saying that Jones and Kabir are not good bowlers at their best, but I am surprised that they would put so much faith in ageing pace bowlers with injury problems... or are they saying that there are no injury-free pace bowlers? CTT is also the best batsman of the three.
It is now confirmed that Tremlett is going to Surrey. Chris is in the MCC team to play Durham in Abu Dhabi and this also includes S Finn, D Malan and S Newman. It is a fairly strange looking team (I suppose not many are available in March?) and, as is the fashion, includes only four bowlers, though kind people might include skipper A Gidman and Dawid as bowlers, though neither took enough wickets in 2009 to qualify for the averages. I hope Durham are not taking their full team out there or MCC will get slaughtered.
I saw Kent's new signing Malinga Bandara play for Surrey 2s at Charterhouse last year and was fairly unimpressed. His batting looked OK for a lower order batter (scoring 58 at no 8 and 1 at no 10), but he did not look like a Test class leg-spinner, taking 3 for 142 in the match as Billy God, Dawid, Scotty and Kabir Toor took a fancy to his erratic offerings. I could not believe that Surrey were interested in him as an overseas player and assumed that he had qualified by marriage or perhaps by residence. I was therefore greatly surprised that Kent have signed him as an overseas player, using up one of the precious slots available to them. It appears that P Farbrace knows him from his time in SL, where he must have been much more impressive than he was at Charterhouse.
Harry Lime Matters
Jim Revier sent me the following observations
Geoff Boycott and I have something in common. We are both completely perplexed by the disappearance of the fielding position of Third man from Test and First class Cricket. Captains seem to want every avenue of runs to be prevented close to the wicket, yet are quite happy to give 2 or 3 away to the vacant third man area. Infrequent visits to Eastcote CC have shown me that the position is not completely obsolete in club cricket. Perhaps the great brains who write for your esteemed organ could help provide answers to the whys and wherefores.
As keen followers of the game will know Third Man is not a position for any cricketer. It is indeed a specialist spot and I have dug into my Shepherds Bush memory bank to recall 3 of them.
Steve Wright's highly amusing recalling of the Bush and Public Schools Wanderers game in 1967 in your last issue mentioned "veteran off break bowler Laurie Valentine". Non Bush members and particularly your worldwide readership may be surprised to know that this "veteran" was still playing twenty years later. Not as you may think for the Middlesex Nursing Homes XI but in a highly successful Bush 2nd XI that should really have won the Middlesex League.
Laurie took a lot of wickets but was also outstanding at Third Man. Not for him the current predilection for the diving stop when the ball came his way. By astute reading of the balls trajectory Laurie would simply put a large boot in the balls path. This ensured his whites remained in the pristine condition rarely seen today. He would then stoop and throw in (in the style of his off spin but with a lot more height) and once the ball was safely in the keepers gloves would turn and with a Bobby Charlton "wipe" rearrange what was left of his hair. Then he would turn and resume the pleasantries of his conversation with John Hatfield and other Bush cognoscenti sitting behind him. Cynics may say that Laurie’s age must have cost us many runs but I can honestly say I never saw anyone run five to the Good Doctor.
Ray Green was another specialist and could also double up with his skills at Fine leg. Ray would accompany his throws back to the keeper with a whistling sound which I think was meant to simulate a bomb about to land. After the throw Ray would resume his position and dream up new ways of running out his opening partners.
My final specialist is the much missed Jack Barrett. In his youth Jack was on the Surrey ground staff. The Master Jack Hobbs was still on the staff at the time (I'm not making this up) and Jack became a fine club cricketer. In his later playing years he returned to the Bush where he bowled highly successful leggies and of course fielded at third man.
Jack was not the quickest and his eyes had seen better days so when other fielders realised the ball was travelling in Jacks direction they shouted out helpful comments such as "twenty yards to your right Jack". Usually a slip fielder or possibly gully would start jogging in Jacks direction to pick up Jacks throw which usually travelled the distance of one of his leg breaks. Particularly in Sunday games Jack would also like to be near a boundary board so he could nestle his gin and slimline tonic in safety behind it.
So can we please have our third man position back? After all how many other positions have had a film named after it?
Team of the Decade Matters
I didn’t think that Bob Proctor would get away with his strange Australian team and the Great Jack Morgan was soon on his case
Blimey! Talk about unbalanced teams! Bob Proctor's side contains only 3 bowlers! This is ludicrous: four bowlers are too few to bowl out sides consistently, so how will three get on, especially if one gets injured (not unknown, especially in the case of B Lee)? In contrast, my keeper-less team had eight bowlers, though unfortunately, only one of them was a spinner. I admit that Bob's team has a wicket-keeper (but I didn't have one available to me and don't forget that Justin once kept in an ODI), but Bob's list of part-timer bowlers is totally unconvincing. Only Tugga was really a good enough back up bowler and that was early in his career when he was fully fit for bowling; M Clarke's figures do not look too bad, but again many of those wickets were taken early in his Test career and his victims are now few and far between. Martyn, Ponting and Hussey are frankly only club bowlers at best, but why doesn't Bob go the whole hog and include Matty and Justin as bowlers too? But the mystifying thing is that he has no need to pack the side with extra batsmen: he could just pick five exceptional batters (the top five of Bob's 7 would be Hayden, Hussey, Ponting, Waugh and Clarke, going by their Test averages), Gilchrist would complete an outstanding top 6 and he then has room for a full hand of bowlers to win him the match. And this need not weaken the batting much at all: both Warne and Lee are very capable batsmen and some other candidates like D Fleming, J Gillespie, M Bichel, M Johnson and N Hauritz are also useful batters.
PSW Matters
The Great Jack Morgan questions Steve Wright’s recall
I remember JP "Pom-Pom" Fellows-Smith playing for the PSWs at the Bush, but I am not sure that Steve has got the year right. I think 1967 was the year that JSE Price (returning from injury and looking for some practice) ruined our cricket week by playing three times against us (for Lord's Nippers, Russ Collins's XI and the PSWs); we did play the PSWs on the Friday (Graham Marchant's 21st birthday), but Pricey took 7 for 21 and we lost quite easily I think, though I take none of the blame myself as I was not actually playing. I have a feeling that Steve only joined the club in 1967, so the JPPPFS year might well have been 1968, which was a match that we won.
Perhaps the PSWs ceased to exist as a result of the shame and humiliation caused by bringing in grammar school boy JSEP as a ringer? Or perhaps they abandoned the educational snobbery completely and became The "We No Longer Give a Stuff What School You Went To Old Boy" Wanderers?
Sehwag Matters
Last month I attempted to controversially suggest that Sehwag and Jayarwardene would be considered the great batsmen of the current age because of their ability to play big innings. This fascinating quote appeared in the WC newsletter:
“I think if you think so much, you simply cannot bat,” says Virender Sehwag. “You never know when you get out. Try to score as much possible before that. In my case, it would become risky if I try to become defensive, since my technique is not that good.”
Of no conceivable interest matters
I feel I must share this anecdote from the Great Jack Morgan
Mohammad Nabi, who has been doing well for Afghanistan in the T20 WC qualifiers (and who starred in the defeat of Ireland), was the MCCYCs batsman who received three consecutive beamers from Middlesex 2s bowlers (the first two from D Evans and the last one from his replacement C Peploe) in the Second XI Championship match at the Vine in 2007. On checking my facts on this (see the trouble I go to in order to keep you informed), I could not understand why "Mohammad Nabi" did not appear in the 2008 Second XI Annual, assumed I must have got the year wrong, checked every other year imaginable without finding him, then checked the scorecard and confirmed that it was 2007, returned to the 2008 annual and eventually located him masquerading as Mohammad Nabi Eisakhil, which was not how he was known to the YCs, nor is it how he is now known for Afghanistan.
India v South Africa Matters
I was staying in a hotel near Worcester when I heard on the radio that Sachin Tendulkar had become the first batsman to score a double hundred in an ODI. So when I got home later I decided I had better stay up to watch the highlights. Sky gave the match an hour divided equally between the two innings. My impressions were therefore formed from a half hour’s version of 401 for 3. During his first hundred Tendulkar seemed in good touch but played in an orthodox manner whilst Kartik and Pathan were hitting sixes at the other end. Dhoni was Tendulkar’s last partner and they added 101 together of which Dhoni scored 68 from 35 balls with four sixes. So the impression I took was that Tendulkar had plodded along whilst his partners made the play. I later checked the statistics and was amazed to learn that Tendulkar had scored half the runs scored off less than half the deliveries bowled. His strike rate was eight an over from the balls he faced. The South African bowling attack may not have been the strongest but it did include the world’s number one, Dale Steyn.
If you are wondering who held the previous record for the highest ODI score you would win most pub quizzes if you had been able to come up with Charles Coventry’s 194 not out for Zimbabwe against Bangladesh.
A couple of days later India rested various players and South Africa wreaked their revenge. Bosman and Amla both scored fifties but Kallis and de Villiers both made unbeaten centuries. After thirty seven overs South Africa were 215 for 2. In an extraordinary sustained session of hitting Kallis and de Villiers added 150 in the final thirteen overs.
Season’s Opener Matters
I wrote the following to the Great Jack Morgan:
It does seem ridiculous that the season’s opening fixture is taking place in Dubai. The MCC side is also strange in that it almost entirely comprises second division players. The Middlesex component is also odd. Finn must be rated by someone, presumably someone who is picking on height not performance. Is Malan still a promising England hopeful? And what category does Newman fit into? Perhaps he has already demonstrated capability against pink balls under floodlights? The side also seems to have only one opening bat.
He replied:
“Finny's 2009 figures look pretty good for a twenty year old so it is no surprise that selectors are interested. Although I think he has masses of potential, I do think those figures flatter him a little (and in 2008, Danny Evans had much better figures than Finny) and I do not believe he is yet ready for Test cricket, but he himself is now talking about making his Test debut in Australia next winter! Dawid is only twenty two and I still have high hopes for him; he averaged only 37 last season, but others have had much worse second seasons than that. With a career average of 42, it is surprising that S Newman has not got closer to international selection (perhaps his reputation as a piss-artist has been unfairly held against him?), but I agree that it is strange that he should now come into consideration after a season in which he averaged 24 (perhaps he has now kicked the booze and there are renewed hopes for him?). I agree about the MCC's other opener: in the list I saw, D Sales was named after Newman, so he may have the job (which he had a go at some years ago); alternatively, M Ramprakash now bats exactly like an old-fashioned opener and would surely do a good job, while Dawid was an excellent opener in the 2s before getting his chance in the first team.”
Big Chase Matters
It is a feature of the modern game that huge fourth innings totals are considered increasingly possible to win games. Indeed twice last summer it was considered that the Australians could make 400 plus scores to win. Every so often the seemingly impossible happens. On a Lions/England A/stiffs tour a few years back their Indian opponents knocked off over 500 to win. In a more significant match recently West Zone made the highest successful chase in first-class history (536) to beat South Zone in the final of India’s Duleep Trophy. Yusuf Pathan hit 210 not out off 190 balls.
Rangers Matters
The Great Jack Morgan is starting to despair
Relegation is no longer just a threat, it is a probability following another dreadful performance v Ipswich, the fourth consecutive defeat and the last three losses have been against rubbish teams who are (even now) below us in the table. The last win was nine matches ago on Boxing Day (and even then they were booed off), with the slide really starting two days later with the defeat at Ipswich. They lost 5-0 at Forest, but at least they are a decent side; most of the other teams have been ordinary or worse. It is hard to see how things are going to improve, but I suppose there is still time for them to do so. At Derby, it seemed as if the club had a nucleus of good players, but now nearly all of them are out of the side and I think the state of the club was symbolised by the sale of Routledge: ambitious clubs hold on to their good players, they do not sell them to rivals.
Great news! Is this the start of our unbeaten run? Rs managed to avoid losing to Watford because the pathetic Loftus Road pitch could not cope with a day of steady light rain and the fixture became the only one of eighteen scheduled domestic matches to be postponed! I am sure the lads will take great heart from this faultless performance and we will soon be climbing the league table.
Flavio has resigned as chairman. He had little success during his spell in charge, but it is hard to know whether his departure is a good or bad thing. He remains a major share holder. It is nice to be able to conclude this epistle with the news that the lads celebrated Flavio's departure with their first win for nearly two months. Antonio German, starting a match for the very first time, got the first goal and top-scorer Jay Simpson hit the winner. The lads go to Middlesbrough next week, who won 1-5 at the Bush in December.
Sartorial Matters
Earlier in the month I found myself watching Portsmouth play at Manchester City which necessitated them use a change strip because of the colour clash. They opted for an all black strip with blue pin stripes which were scarcely visible from a distance. Manchester City wore their regulation blue shirts and white shorts. Their goalkeeper, Shay Given, wore a green top which would have been quite acceptable to Ron Springett, but he had decided to match this with green shorts and stockings, to use the fifties vernacular. However, the piece de resistance was reserved for The Portsmouth goalkeeper, David James, who had decided that the appropriate attire for a visit to the north was an outfit entirely of cerise. To say he looked a prat is putting it mildly and he, of all people, must have known that you can’t afford to make a mistake if you choose to dress so immodestly.
A couple of weeks later I saw James dress more appropriately for his visit to Burnley but, as if to compensate, he had his hair done in Harpo Marx style held back and up by an Alice band.
Colin Newcombe
Colin Newcombe died in February. He was the South Hampstead Treasurer in the sixties during the crucial transitional phase when the new pavilion was built. He also skippered the second eleven for several seasons. As a batsman his technique could be described as solid and for a big man he rarely got after the bowling. When South Hampstead formed a football side in the late sixties Colin proved a redoubtable centre half forming a famous back four with Bill Hart, Bob Peach and Ray Cook. After he moved to the Home Counties in the seventies he played at Welwyn Garden City. The funeral will take place at St Giles Church, Codlicott on Tuesday 9 March at 1.45pm.
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket Number 54
There can be no greater fraud perpetrated on the cricketing public than charging them £100 to watch ninety overs of test cricket and then short changing them as no side manages to bowl their full quota. There are any number of ways the bowling side contributes to this including the endless drinks breaks, comfort breaks and changes of protective wear for various fielding positions. The umpires contribute with their absurd interpretations of bad light. But there is now a new culprit. Jonathan Trott, who became a national hero after one innings in test cricket, has gone downhill ever since and is now guilty of slowing down play to an excruciating degree.
During the South African series he batted in a manner which would have made Chris Tavare proud which is OK if that is his role but he compounded this by never being ready to take strike when the bowler got back to his mark. When the quicks were bowling the proceedings were slow enough without this. And it was more of a disruption than it might sound. Quick bowlers rarely stop when they get back to their mark and normally turn and get straight into their stride. So when they looked up the Prat Trott was still strolling about the crease. They then had to retrace their steps to their mark and wait for the Prat to take guard. The umpires and /or match referee will eventually stop him doing this but he won’t have won any friends in the process. He may, of course, not last long in the side, particularly if Morgan continues scoring runs.
Did you play today Matters
The Professor sent me this anecdote
We had our annual dinner on Friday and I was chatting to a chum who thought he could lay claim to some sort of record.
He played in the last fixture of the season last week and opened the batting. He faced and was out to the first ball.
When we fielded he didn't touch the ball at any time until he caught the No.11 batsman. He was thus involved in the first and last ball of the game and not a single one in between.
Old Danes Matters
Shepherds Bush CC has again kindly agreed to host an Old Danes Gathering on Friday 30th July 2010. All Old Danes from any generation will be welcome and in the past three years there have been representatives from the forties, fifties, sixties and seventies. It is appreciated that some attendees have to travel considerable distances and wives, partners and non OD friends will also be made welcome. The event will start around 2pm and will continue into the evening so it is possible to join the event at any stage during the afternoon. The bar is open all afternoon and food will be available. Would Old Danes please reply whether or not you plan to attend so that I can start to circulate a list of planned attendees to encourage others to join us.
Football Matters Snow has been a real problem this winter for football at all levels and Andrew baker’s ladies team has suffered as much as anyone. However, Andrew is a wiz at man (or rather woman) management and got his team to do pitch clearing themselves. Ken Molloy, who has always taken an active interest in the progress of Andrew’s team, supplied me with a photo of this laudable activity.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Tel & fax: 01298 70237
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 87
March 2010
Caption Competition
1. Craig Kieswetter: I am more South African than Matt Prior and so they should have no trouble in picking me for England.
- Gordon Brown: I’ve got enough problems about immigration in the election without you causing more.
- Jonathan Trott: I thought that I was a national hero and now I’m dropped for another bloody Protean.
- Andrew Strauss: What do you mean, will I get back in? I’ll be OK. I was born in South Africa.
- Henry Blofeld: Who is this guy? He didn’t play for Northants last year did he?
- Craig Kieswetter: Presumably England play all their home games at Taunton?
Once a year Susan and Phil Sharpe have a “pies and peas” supper at their elegant home in Wetherby. The “peas” are of the mushy variety, and this violent concoction brings about 40 folk to the Sharpe’s house, all of whom seem to be something to do with Yorkshire cricket – past or present. For some reason my wife and I also collect an invitation and so we toddled along.
The format is always the same – pie, peas and a few glasses of wine and lots of cricket chat…perfect! “Regulars” include Don Wilson, John Hampshire and Geoff Cope (together with his new guide dog) and numerous committee and ex-committee members, life members, directors and what not. There was the usual chit-chat: how well is Cook going to do?, should Strauss have taken the time off?, the prevalence of foreign players in county cricket and so on. You must remember that “foreign” has a very specific meaning in Yorkshire, one chap told me that last season a Yorkshire team actually took the field which had a majority of players born outside of God’s-own-county. I think it would be fair to say that he didn’t regard this as a positive development.
There was, obviously, a lot of discussion of Yorkshire’s chances this season. Gale is thought of as a “nice young man” but nobody is really clear about his potential as captain on a full-time basis. The “boys”: Rashid, Shahzad, Bairstow, Wainwright, Lyth, etc., are thought to be “good enough” and given that Yorkshire only have seven capped players, they will have to be. Yorkshire’s overseas player for this season is Ryan Harris. Apart from those who keep a close watch on Australian cricket, Harris is probably best known for his very brief brush with Sussex for whom he signed but did not, I think, actually play - because of a contract with Queensland (or some such tale). I think there was also a sort of glancing blow with Surrey for a game or two. (I haven’t checked this up…but I know some people who will). While he is obviously a very useful player, this is not a track record that inspires undiluted confidence but he was signed in part because he was thought to have the added bonus of being unlikely to be called away for international duties. As soon as the ink was dry, however, it turned out that he has an IPL contract to play for Deccan Diabolicals (or some such) and Australia may also want him. The result is that the New Zealander Daryl Tuffey has been signed as “cover”. Yorkshire do not have an unblemished record in their signing of overseas players – I remember Morkel arriving, bowling a dozen overs or so, going in the hamstring, and getting straight back onto the plane to Jo’burg. We shall see.
The evening also allowed me to renew my acquaintance with Barry Leadbeater. In truth the word “acquaintance” possibly overstates the relationship just a tad. In fact I had met him just once before…in 1966. Unaccountably, Barry did not remember the moment…but I did. On a freezing cold April day I took my university side to Headingley for a warm-up (sic) game against a Yorkshire team of second eleven players and young lads who I suppose would now be called “academy”. Barry Leadbeater captained the side and so (having removed our gloves) we shook hands and tossed up. And frankly, that’s about it. I don’t remember much else about the game except that at one point it started to snow. Barry (we were on first name terms now) generously professed to remembering “them sort a’ games” but somehow scoring hundreds for Yorkshire and officiating at internationals seem to be more prominent in his memory.
There was a lot more and, all in all, a pretty jolly evening. You must come along next time James – I would look forward to introducing Mr Sharp to Mr Sharpe…two Sharps, with and without, so to speak.
Agony Matters At enormous expense Googlies has engaged a top agony uncle, Prof Arthur Smartahs PhD, to respond to reader’s letters
From Kevin, Hampshire
Dear Arthur,
I have lost my edge. I used to be able to flay the best attacks at will. But now I am nervous at the crease and keep getting out to the sort of bowling that previously never even bothered me. My marketing manager told me that settling down with a nice girl would be good for my image and would improve my endorsement potential but I have become too domesticated and fear that I have lost my appetite for runs. I am currently in Bangladesh where I am on a hiding to nothing since even if I score runs people will say that they don’t count. In the England set up the fans would rather watch the Irishman bat than me and my namesake is scoring more my home country than I get for England. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Kevin-You pathetic prat, pull yourself together. Try dying your hair in streaks to look really ridiculous. Make contradictory statements such as you really care about England but then when you get out at a crucial stage say that it’s too bad because that’s the way you play. Come up with some outrageous behaviour that would really upset Lord Ray. Take a leaf out of Tiger’s book and start putting it about a bit and make sure the tabloids get wind of it. In short treat everyone like shit and show that you don’t care. You will soon find you are your old self. Arthur.
From Angus, Stanmore
Dear Arthur,
About a year ago I took on a nice cushy job that gave me plenty of kudos and some financial gain. However, it has rapidly turned into a nightmare. I am managing director of the worst Middlesex team in history and don’t have any strategy to improve things. To make matters worse Vinny seems intent on moving us from Lords to an out of county venue in the sticks. We have hired Ian O’Brien for the season and Adam Gilchrist for the Twenty20s. When I approved it I thought that it was the other way round. I have let my two best wicket keepers go and I just know that Nick Compton will make me look foolish by scoring stacks of runs for Somerset. You are my last chance. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
May I call you Gus?
It sounds to me that you are being used as a prawn in a much bigger game in which dark forces are really pulling the strings. Tell those double-dealing bastards at the MCC to get stuffed. They need you more than you need them. Who would rather go to Lords than Radlett to watch county cricket? The smart thing would be for you to effect a merger or even better get some other county to take you over. That way you can escape with a big pay off and be seen as the saviour of something or other. Come to think of it, you’re stuffed mate. Arthur.
From Samit, Nottingham
Dear Arthur,
I was sent away from an England holiday because I was too fat. I have done everything possible to lose weight. I walk upstairs now rather than take the chair lift and I have stopped using the groundsman’s electric cart to convey me to the crease. Moreover, I have stopped eating lard sandwiches and amended my diet and now only eat: a full English breakfast followed by a bag of doughnuts for elevenses; steak and kidney pie, chips and beans for lunch; a couple of Mars bars to keep me going in the afternoon and some scones with clotted cream for tea. I must admit that I still have a large dinner of takeaway food but since the café doesn’t see me eat it I assume that it doesn’t really count. I usually have a light supper of five layers of processed cheese on toast washed down with a couple of bottles of Guinness. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Samit, you have my deepest sympathies. I looked at the photo that you enclosed with your letter and am delighted that you opted for the clothed version. Through the magic of my computer I have superimposed it on my photo of W.G. Grace and you are still several inches thinner around the waist. I think that you are well off out of the company of the England team. You would only be miserable there. They don’t know what a good time is. Incidentally are you available for lunch on Monday?
If you have a problem that you would like Arthur’s help to solve send it too me in the usual way. All matters will be dealt with in the strictest of confidence. Arthur does not despatch advice on sexual matters
County Matters
The Great Jack Morgan has been keeping his eye on the transfer market
I was a bit surprised that Hants are willing to release C Tremlett (probably to Surrey) in favour of new recruits S Jones and Kabir Ali. It is true that Tremlett's form has been rather variable (usually because of lack of fitness), but both Jones and Kabir are older than Chris and have their own injury worries. Although both Simon and Kabir did well in 2008, Jones has as bad a fitness record as anyone I can think of and did not bowl a ball in 2009, while Kabir's fitness and form allowed him to take only 11 wickets at 44 last season. I am not saying that Jones and Kabir are not good bowlers at their best, but I am surprised that they would put so much faith in ageing pace bowlers with injury problems... or are they saying that there are no injury-free pace bowlers? CTT is also the best batsman of the three.
It is now confirmed that Tremlett is going to Surrey. Chris is in the MCC team to play Durham in Abu Dhabi and this also includes S Finn, D Malan and S Newman. It is a fairly strange looking team (I suppose not many are available in March?) and, as is the fashion, includes only four bowlers, though kind people might include skipper A Gidman and Dawid as bowlers, though neither took enough wickets in 2009 to qualify for the averages. I hope Durham are not taking their full team out there or MCC will get slaughtered.
I saw Kent's new signing Malinga Bandara play for Surrey 2s at Charterhouse last year and was fairly unimpressed. His batting looked OK for a lower order batter (scoring 58 at no 8 and 1 at no 10), but he did not look like a Test class leg-spinner, taking 3 for 142 in the match as Billy God, Dawid, Scotty and Kabir Toor took a fancy to his erratic offerings. I could not believe that Surrey were interested in him as an overseas player and assumed that he had qualified by marriage or perhaps by residence. I was therefore greatly surprised that Kent have signed him as an overseas player, using up one of the precious slots available to them. It appears that P Farbrace knows him from his time in SL, where he must have been much more impressive than he was at Charterhouse.
Harry Lime Matters
Jim Revier sent me the following observations
Geoff Boycott and I have something in common. We are both completely perplexed by the disappearance of the fielding position of Third man from Test and First class Cricket. Captains seem to want every avenue of runs to be prevented close to the wicket, yet are quite happy to give 2 or 3 away to the vacant third man area. Infrequent visits to Eastcote CC have shown me that the position is not completely obsolete in club cricket. Perhaps the great brains who write for your esteemed organ could help provide answers to the whys and wherefores.
As keen followers of the game will know Third Man is not a position for any cricketer. It is indeed a specialist spot and I have dug into my Shepherds Bush memory bank to recall 3 of them.
Steve Wright's highly amusing recalling of the Bush and Public Schools Wanderers game in 1967 in your last issue mentioned "veteran off break bowler Laurie Valentine". Non Bush members and particularly your worldwide readership may be surprised to know that this "veteran" was still playing twenty years later. Not as you may think for the Middlesex Nursing Homes XI but in a highly successful Bush 2nd XI that should really have won the Middlesex League.
Laurie took a lot of wickets but was also outstanding at Third Man. Not for him the current predilection for the diving stop when the ball came his way. By astute reading of the balls trajectory Laurie would simply put a large boot in the balls path. This ensured his whites remained in the pristine condition rarely seen today. He would then stoop and throw in (in the style of his off spin but with a lot more height) and once the ball was safely in the keepers gloves would turn and with a Bobby Charlton "wipe" rearrange what was left of his hair. Then he would turn and resume the pleasantries of his conversation with John Hatfield and other Bush cognoscenti sitting behind him. Cynics may say that Laurie’s age must have cost us many runs but I can honestly say I never saw anyone run five to the Good Doctor.
Ray Green was another specialist and could also double up with his skills at Fine leg. Ray would accompany his throws back to the keeper with a whistling sound which I think was meant to simulate a bomb about to land. After the throw Ray would resume his position and dream up new ways of running out his opening partners.
My final specialist is the much missed Jack Barrett. In his youth Jack was on the Surrey ground staff. The Master Jack Hobbs was still on the staff at the time (I'm not making this up) and Jack became a fine club cricketer. In his later playing years he returned to the Bush where he bowled highly successful leggies and of course fielded at third man.
Jack was not the quickest and his eyes had seen better days so when other fielders realised the ball was travelling in Jacks direction they shouted out helpful comments such as "twenty yards to your right Jack". Usually a slip fielder or possibly gully would start jogging in Jacks direction to pick up Jacks throw which usually travelled the distance of one of his leg breaks. Particularly in Sunday games Jack would also like to be near a boundary board so he could nestle his gin and slimline tonic in safety behind it.
So can we please have our third man position back? After all how many other positions have had a film named after it?
Team of the Decade Matters
I didn’t think that Bob Proctor would get away with his strange Australian team and the Great Jack Morgan was soon on his case
Blimey! Talk about unbalanced teams! Bob Proctor's side contains only 3 bowlers! This is ludicrous: four bowlers are too few to bowl out sides consistently, so how will three get on, especially if one gets injured (not unknown, especially in the case of B Lee)? In contrast, my keeper-less team had eight bowlers, though unfortunately, only one of them was a spinner. I admit that Bob's team has a wicket-keeper (but I didn't have one available to me and don't forget that Justin once kept in an ODI), but Bob's list of part-timer bowlers is totally unconvincing. Only Tugga was really a good enough back up bowler and that was early in his career when he was fully fit for bowling; M Clarke's figures do not look too bad, but again many of those wickets were taken early in his Test career and his victims are now few and far between. Martyn, Ponting and Hussey are frankly only club bowlers at best, but why doesn't Bob go the whole hog and include Matty and Justin as bowlers too? But the mystifying thing is that he has no need to pack the side with extra batsmen: he could just pick five exceptional batters (the top five of Bob's 7 would be Hayden, Hussey, Ponting, Waugh and Clarke, going by their Test averages), Gilchrist would complete an outstanding top 6 and he then has room for a full hand of bowlers to win him the match. And this need not weaken the batting much at all: both Warne and Lee are very capable batsmen and some other candidates like D Fleming, J Gillespie, M Bichel, M Johnson and N Hauritz are also useful batters.
PSW Matters
The Great Jack Morgan questions Steve Wright’s recall
I remember JP "Pom-Pom" Fellows-Smith playing for the PSWs at the Bush, but I am not sure that Steve has got the year right. I think 1967 was the year that JSE Price (returning from injury and looking for some practice) ruined our cricket week by playing three times against us (for Lord's Nippers, Russ Collins's XI and the PSWs); we did play the PSWs on the Friday (Graham Marchant's 21st birthday), but Pricey took 7 for 21 and we lost quite easily I think, though I take none of the blame myself as I was not actually playing. I have a feeling that Steve only joined the club in 1967, so the JPPPFS year might well have been 1968, which was a match that we won.
Perhaps the PSWs ceased to exist as a result of the shame and humiliation caused by bringing in grammar school boy JSEP as a ringer? Or perhaps they abandoned the educational snobbery completely and became The "We No Longer Give a Stuff What School You Went To Old Boy" Wanderers?
Sehwag Matters
Last month I attempted to controversially suggest that Sehwag and Jayarwardene would be considered the great batsmen of the current age because of their ability to play big innings. This fascinating quote appeared in the WC newsletter:
“I think if you think so much, you simply cannot bat,” says Virender Sehwag. “You never know when you get out. Try to score as much possible before that. In my case, it would become risky if I try to become defensive, since my technique is not that good.”
Of no conceivable interest matters
I feel I must share this anecdote from the Great Jack Morgan
Mohammad Nabi, who has been doing well for Afghanistan in the T20 WC qualifiers (and who starred in the defeat of Ireland), was the MCCYCs batsman who received three consecutive beamers from Middlesex 2s bowlers (the first two from D Evans and the last one from his replacement C Peploe) in the Second XI Championship match at the Vine in 2007. On checking my facts on this (see the trouble I go to in order to keep you informed), I could not understand why "Mohammad Nabi" did not appear in the 2008 Second XI Annual, assumed I must have got the year wrong, checked every other year imaginable without finding him, then checked the scorecard and confirmed that it was 2007, returned to the 2008 annual and eventually located him masquerading as Mohammad Nabi Eisakhil, which was not how he was known to the YCs, nor is it how he is now known for Afghanistan.
India v South Africa Matters
I was staying in a hotel near Worcester when I heard on the radio that Sachin Tendulkar had become the first batsman to score a double hundred in an ODI. So when I got home later I decided I had better stay up to watch the highlights. Sky gave the match an hour divided equally between the two innings. My impressions were therefore formed from a half hour’s version of 401 for 3. During his first hundred Tendulkar seemed in good touch but played in an orthodox manner whilst Kartik and Pathan were hitting sixes at the other end. Dhoni was Tendulkar’s last partner and they added 101 together of which Dhoni scored 68 from 35 balls with four sixes. So the impression I took was that Tendulkar had plodded along whilst his partners made the play. I later checked the statistics and was amazed to learn that Tendulkar had scored half the runs scored off less than half the deliveries bowled. His strike rate was eight an over from the balls he faced. The South African bowling attack may not have been the strongest but it did include the world’s number one, Dale Steyn.
If you are wondering who held the previous record for the highest ODI score you would win most pub quizzes if you had been able to come up with Charles Coventry’s 194 not out for Zimbabwe against Bangladesh.
A couple of days later India rested various players and South Africa wreaked their revenge. Bosman and Amla both scored fifties but Kallis and de Villiers both made unbeaten centuries. After thirty seven overs South Africa were 215 for 2. In an extraordinary sustained session of hitting Kallis and de Villiers added 150 in the final thirteen overs.
Season’s Opener Matters
I wrote the following to the Great Jack Morgan:
It does seem ridiculous that the season’s opening fixture is taking place in Dubai. The MCC side is also strange in that it almost entirely comprises second division players. The Middlesex component is also odd. Finn must be rated by someone, presumably someone who is picking on height not performance. Is Malan still a promising England hopeful? And what category does Newman fit into? Perhaps he has already demonstrated capability against pink balls under floodlights? The side also seems to have only one opening bat.
He replied:
“Finny's 2009 figures look pretty good for a twenty year old so it is no surprise that selectors are interested. Although I think he has masses of potential, I do think those figures flatter him a little (and in 2008, Danny Evans had much better figures than Finny) and I do not believe he is yet ready for Test cricket, but he himself is now talking about making his Test debut in Australia next winter! Dawid is only twenty two and I still have high hopes for him; he averaged only 37 last season, but others have had much worse second seasons than that. With a career average of 42, it is surprising that S Newman has not got closer to international selection (perhaps his reputation as a piss-artist has been unfairly held against him?), but I agree that it is strange that he should now come into consideration after a season in which he averaged 24 (perhaps he has now kicked the booze and there are renewed hopes for him?). I agree about the MCC's other opener: in the list I saw, D Sales was named after Newman, so he may have the job (which he had a go at some years ago); alternatively, M Ramprakash now bats exactly like an old-fashioned opener and would surely do a good job, while Dawid was an excellent opener in the 2s before getting his chance in the first team.”
Big Chase Matters
It is a feature of the modern game that huge fourth innings totals are considered increasingly possible to win games. Indeed twice last summer it was considered that the Australians could make 400 plus scores to win. Every so often the seemingly impossible happens. On a Lions/England A/stiffs tour a few years back their Indian opponents knocked off over 500 to win. In a more significant match recently West Zone made the highest successful chase in first-class history (536) to beat South Zone in the final of India’s Duleep Trophy. Yusuf Pathan hit 210 not out off 190 balls.
Rangers Matters
The Great Jack Morgan is starting to despair
Relegation is no longer just a threat, it is a probability following another dreadful performance v Ipswich, the fourth consecutive defeat and the last three losses have been against rubbish teams who are (even now) below us in the table. The last win was nine matches ago on Boxing Day (and even then they were booed off), with the slide really starting two days later with the defeat at Ipswich. They lost 5-0 at Forest, but at least they are a decent side; most of the other teams have been ordinary or worse. It is hard to see how things are going to improve, but I suppose there is still time for them to do so. At Derby, it seemed as if the club had a nucleus of good players, but now nearly all of them are out of the side and I think the state of the club was symbolised by the sale of Routledge: ambitious clubs hold on to their good players, they do not sell them to rivals.
Great news! Is this the start of our unbeaten run? Rs managed to avoid losing to Watford because the pathetic Loftus Road pitch could not cope with a day of steady light rain and the fixture became the only one of eighteen scheduled domestic matches to be postponed! I am sure the lads will take great heart from this faultless performance and we will soon be climbing the league table.
Flavio has resigned as chairman. He had little success during his spell in charge, but it is hard to know whether his departure is a good or bad thing. He remains a major share holder. It is nice to be able to conclude this epistle with the news that the lads celebrated Flavio's departure with their first win for nearly two months. Antonio German, starting a match for the very first time, got the first goal and top-scorer Jay Simpson hit the winner. The lads go to Middlesbrough next week, who won 1-5 at the Bush in December.
Sartorial Matters
Earlier in the month I found myself watching Portsmouth play at Manchester City which necessitated them use a change strip because of the colour clash. They opted for an all black strip with blue pin stripes which were scarcely visible from a distance. Manchester City wore their regulation blue shirts and white shorts. Their goalkeeper, Shay Given, wore a green top which would have been quite acceptable to Ron Springett, but he had decided to match this with green shorts and stockings, to use the fifties vernacular. However, the piece de resistance was reserved for The Portsmouth goalkeeper, David James, who had decided that the appropriate attire for a visit to the north was an outfit entirely of cerise. To say he looked a prat is putting it mildly and he, of all people, must have known that you can’t afford to make a mistake if you choose to dress so immodestly.
A couple of weeks later I saw James dress more appropriately for his visit to Burnley but, as if to compensate, he had his hair done in Harpo Marx style held back and up by an Alice band.
Colin Newcombe
Colin Newcombe died in February. He was the South Hampstead Treasurer in the sixties during the crucial transitional phase when the new pavilion was built. He also skippered the second eleven for several seasons. As a batsman his technique could be described as solid and for a big man he rarely got after the bowling. When South Hampstead formed a football side in the late sixties Colin proved a redoubtable centre half forming a famous back four with Bill Hart, Bob Peach and Ray Cook. After he moved to the Home Counties in the seventies he played at Welwyn Garden City. The funeral will take place at St Giles Church, Codlicott on Tuesday 9 March at 1.45pm.
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket Number 54
There can be no greater fraud perpetrated on the cricketing public than charging them £100 to watch ninety overs of test cricket and then short changing them as no side manages to bowl their full quota. There are any number of ways the bowling side contributes to this including the endless drinks breaks, comfort breaks and changes of protective wear for various fielding positions. The umpires contribute with their absurd interpretations of bad light. But there is now a new culprit. Jonathan Trott, who became a national hero after one innings in test cricket, has gone downhill ever since and is now guilty of slowing down play to an excruciating degree.
During the South African series he batted in a manner which would have made Chris Tavare proud which is OK if that is his role but he compounded this by never being ready to take strike when the bowler got back to his mark. When the quicks were bowling the proceedings were slow enough without this. And it was more of a disruption than it might sound. Quick bowlers rarely stop when they get back to their mark and normally turn and get straight into their stride. So when they looked up the Prat Trott was still strolling about the crease. They then had to retrace their steps to their mark and wait for the Prat to take guard. The umpires and /or match referee will eventually stop him doing this but he won’t have won any friends in the process. He may, of course, not last long in the side, particularly if Morgan continues scoring runs.
Did you play today Matters
The Professor sent me this anecdote
We had our annual dinner on Friday and I was chatting to a chum who thought he could lay claim to some sort of record.
He played in the last fixture of the season last week and opened the batting. He faced and was out to the first ball.
When we fielded he didn't touch the ball at any time until he caught the No.11 batsman. He was thus involved in the first and last ball of the game and not a single one in between.
Old Danes Matters
Shepherds Bush CC has again kindly agreed to host an Old Danes Gathering on Friday 30th July 2010. All Old Danes from any generation will be welcome and in the past three years there have been representatives from the forties, fifties, sixties and seventies. It is appreciated that some attendees have to travel considerable distances and wives, partners and non OD friends will also be made welcome. The event will start around 2pm and will continue into the evening so it is possible to join the event at any stage during the afternoon. The bar is open all afternoon and food will be available. Would Old Danes please reply whether or not you plan to attend so that I can start to circulate a list of planned attendees to encourage others to join us.
Football Matters Snow has been a real problem this winter for football at all levels and Andrew baker’s ladies team has suffered as much as anyone. However, Andrew is a wiz at man (or rather woman) management and got his team to do pitch clearing themselves. Ken Molloy, who has always taken an active interest in the progress of Andrew’s team, supplied me with a photo of this laudable activity.
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