GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 49
January 2007
Old Wanker’s Almanac
I bumped into the Old Wanker over Christmas and he gave me his predictions for the New Year:
South Hampstead Matters
Avid readers of the Wisden Cricketer will have seen that the Rising Star in the January edition was Shaun “Sam” Levy, who in 2006, as an eighteen year old, scored 987 runs for Winchmore Hill in the Middlesex League. This was just 17 runs short of the League record held by Lee Deller of South Hampstead, whose 1004 was achieved in 1994. I never saw Deller play but Bob Peach tells me that he was an unspectacular accumulator.
Bruce Tutton sent me the following photo of the 1965 South Hampstead 1st XI:
Back row: Tubby Peach, John Weale, Sandy Sandragara, Bill Hart, Terry Cordaroy, Don Wallis, Roy Phipps, Audrey Hawdon
Seated: Bruce Tutton, Alvin Nienow, Bob Peach, Len Stubbs and Robin Ager
There are a number of interesting aspects to this photo:
Murray Hedgcock suggests that Gilo’s preference for over the wicket bowling could be traced to Australian antecedents
Differences between English and Australian cricket - or more probably, between quality cricket on turf, and that of modest standard on artificial wickets - came to mind on reading the Peter Ray comment: “No genuine left-armer would bowl over the wicket to the right-hand bat". When I first reached England in 1953 (yes, I know who won the Ashes that year, thanks) I had played half a dozen seasons of very ordinary country club cricket in Victoria. And I don't know that I had ever faced a left-armer round the wicket: to be truthful, there seemed to be very few left-arm bowlers in my cricketing sphere at all.
Hence, playing (again very modest) club cricket in the South London suburbs, I was thrown off-balance when required to handle left-armers in traditional mode, and never really got used to the ball coming at me at that angle. The reluctance of the Australian left-armer to go round in my sort of cricket may have stemmed from the fact that we mostly played on malthoid - that bituminous substance which softens in the heat, so that your boots can sink into it. Water shortages meant turf was mostly for quality clubs. It was only the very rare bowler who could get any real response from malthoid, and over the wicket probably made the most of any faint turn or movement the left-armer might conjure up.
English club cricketers who live on turf - however uncertain - simply do not know what they have missed by exclusion from the egalitarian world of malthoid.
Literary Matters
The following books are expected to be published early in the New Year:
2006-the year of the double – by John Emburey
Handing them back on a plate – by Duncan Fletcher
Coining it in the stiffs – by David Beckham
Remember me? – by Michael Vaughan
My autobiography, Volume 2, the Middlesex years – by Melvyn Betts
Alan Richardson Matters
Ken James adds further detail to the saga of Alan Richardson’s appearance for Shepherds Bush against South Hampstead last season
The match in which Mr.Richardson played was a very low scoring affair, played at the Bush I must add; scores: South Hampstead 98 all out and the Bush 99 for 9. It was a match which was markedly influenced by the contribution of Mr.Richardson (4 wickets for not many runs and a score 20+ not out at a stage when the Bush were 81for 9 ! Post match sympathy with the South Hampstead 1st.X1, well at least with the few who might have had a clue as to what went on, was further assuaged by my suggestion that Mr Richarsons' presence in the match might be in breach of M.C.C.L. rules, and that there might be a chance of getting the result re-assessed on the grounds that a player registered to play for the county was ineligible for any club other than those in the hallowed confines of the Premier Division and even then when so allocated rarely deigning to play!
So my first port of call on Monday was to the League Chairman, Bob Baxter, former South Hampstead player and confidante, to advise him of this possible breach of rules and assess the chances of a redress. Having listened to my report of the happenings of the previous Saturday his first, two-word response was 'Fucking Emburey'. This gave me a sniff of a possible 10-point bonus in the offing. However, the sniff proved short-lived for though accepting that it was not 'usual' for a county registered player to play in any other than the Premier Division there was not anything in the current rules to actually prevent it happening and it all came down to registration and county dispensation so affirmed the arbiter of all things dubious and not in the rules. He added that there was a possibility of, belatedly, attending to this oversight in the league - so nothing new there then!
The only breach which might have occurred it seems might have come under the all-embracing 'Spirit Of The Game' a very nebulous area indeed and one which might have been and probably was, brought up in the distant past, when opponents of South Hampstead might have encountered a side of near county standard built - quite legally - around a nucleus of high standard overseas players of multi-national backgrounds! By comparison the presence of Mr.Richardson at the Bush on July 29th was very small beer indeed! If however Mr.Richardsons' involvement had affected relegation issues this might have been a different story! C'est le vie.
The Stuff of Nightmares
Imagine this scenario. You have been planning the day for months. You have spent almost £50 for your test match ticket. You manage to find parking at just less than your monthly mortgage repayment. You are heartened and cheered when the npower girls harass you on your way into the ground and eventually you find your way to your designated seat. And then disaster strikes. You find yourself sitting next to this lunatic.
But then of course if you are the sort of chap who likes to sing Victorian hymns endlessly all day to the accompaniment of a sole trumpeter you could be in your cups.
The Eclectic Mr West
You have to admire Kelvin West. He may be, like many of us, of a certain age, but he is always prepared to try something new. He wrote to me recently:
“Now that I have a new coach for my football team, though I still attend training sessions, I need to start thinking about trying a new sport instead of golf and believe that I have found one that looks like much more fun...”
He went on to explain:
“I get my instructors certificate tomorrow.”
I am sure that I speak for us all in wishing Kelvin well in his chosen new activity and for many soft landings.
Cheating Matters
Eric Tracey is rapidly becoming our Cheating Guru. He forwarded last month’s edition that featured his suggestions for appropriate punishments for cheats to some of his own chums. Two of them responded:
Richard Keyse:
I have one slight disagreement under "Cheating matters"...
"People who have played cricket to any level will tell you that it's impossible not to know that you've scooped up a ball on the half-volley as Bravo did yesterday, rather than catching it cleanly above the turf."
I have had personal experience of fielding at a squarish silly mid off where the ball was slashed at me. In the process of ducking, diving and trying to catch the ball, I found the ball firmly stuck in my hand. Nobody thought I could catch it and I really didn't know if I had. As such the appeal was weak and turned down. As I changed fielding positions after the over, one of my fellow team members noticed the bright marks on the end of my fingers where the seam had struck me! How did I feel about that?
Ron Turner:
The Boot Inn, Tisbury, sponsors an annual match: Geriatrics v Juveniles. Qualifications to play are a pint in The Boot Inn in the last year! The choice of team is in the hands of the Landlord, Ron Turner, and the two captains, Neville Burton (Geriatrics) and Jimmy Street (Juveniles). When these games started it was fairly clear at a glance which team was which - with the age of forty being the divide between the two sides. Even then there were some exceptions to this rule. As time has gone on a number of the Juveniles (including the captain) have passed their fortieth birthdays and the Geriatrics have proved quicker off the mark at recruiting some younger newcomers to the village into their team. The result of this is that age is now far from the only criterion for selection for one side or the other, although the Geriatrics is still the older side. The Geriatrics leads the series 7-4.
The game is played at the wonderful Fonthill Park ground opposite the lake that featured in the film, Chocolat. The ground is home to two cricket teams – the Pyt House Players and Little Durnford – and the near perfect pitches are prepared by LDCC’s Club Captain, Keith Steer. It is always fun to watch the more experienced fielders head for the higher ground up the slope to one side of the pitch.
The game is the subject of banter within and without The Boot Inn for eleven months of the year, with stories of attempted umpire influencing (e.g. providing lavish lunches), paying bungs (pints) to induce players to switch sides (never successful) and much replaying of past glories, failings and the like.
The format now is two 20 over innings per side with lunch after the two first innings. Post match celebrations in The Boot include a Court presided over by Mrs Ruth Turner, with the proceeds of the fines and other fundraisings, such as auctions, going to a local charity nominated by the previous year’s winning captain. One year, 2 x 12 inch square pieces of Lords turf raised £200 and now form part of The Boot Inn beer garden!
Nominations for serious fines this year included:
1. The captain of the Juveniles seen at net practice with four of the Geriatrics
2. All of the above five for having net practice
3. The above five plus the Juveniles’ vice captain for going to Lords’ Indoor Nets for coaching!
In this year’s match The Juveniles altered the pavilion clock in order to obtain an illegal advantage. This could be used to the benefit of the game. If a team with intent, slows its bowling rate down, just stop the clock and make the buggers carry on bowling.
Red Mist Matters
In the ODI at Cape Town in November Zaheer Khan removed Smith and Kallis before South Africa had scored and when he dismissed Bosman they were 38 for 3. Gibbs went with the score on 42 and when de Villiers and Boucher were out the score was 76 for 6 with India rampant. Kemp and Pollock added 60 until the latter was run out which brought Hall to the crease at 136 for 7. Kemp then rediscovered some of the form with which he had annihilated England on their last tour. He hit seven sixes and finished 100 not out and with Hall added 138 in an unbroken stand which took them to a highly improbable 274 for 7. Despite Dhoni’s four sixes in reply India never got back in the game and were bundled out for 168.
Meanwhile at Napier our old chums Tharanga and Jayasuriya have been up to their tricks again. New Zealand scored a respectable 285 for 8 from their fifty overs but Jayasuriya went off like a rocket and by the time he was out for 111 the score was 201 for 1. He had hit five sixes and twelve fours from just 82 balls. Tharanga was out at the same score, but they had put their side so far ahead of the clock that, as at Headingley, Jayawardene and Sangakkara were able to complete the job at a more sedate pace but still win the match with ten overs to spare.
Flipper Matters
Alan Flipper Seal organised a cricket day at Dorridge CC for the Motor Industry charity, Ben, in July 2006. It was something of a family outing for him as four of his five sons played alongside him as well as his brother. Three Twenty20 matches were squeezed into the day, which was well supported by luminaries of the industry.
Flipper prepares to open the batting with Elliot, his youngest son.
The cricket varied in standard as ex players pretended they were match fit and young blades creamed it around in the modern style dispatching new rinse to all parts.
Strange Elevens
I responded to the Great Jack Morgan’s teaser in the last edition as follows: “I think that these chaps were all Cambridge men but I doubt whether this will get me out of detention. I doubt very much whether they all went to the same college. Some of them captained England and I suspect that they all captained their counties. Brearley would have slipped into this side if I were right. And so of course would Ed!” He replied: “Yes, there are a few varsity chaps in the team (and I left out a few more) and I suppose that might have a connection to the real link between them. Perhaps the Prof could assist you?”
Meanwhile, several of you were getting closer to the real Jazz Hat than I was. I passed the following on to Jack:
“Bob Denley: They have all been President of the MCC.
Ollie Gibbs: Is the new XI M.C.C. Presidents born outside of England?
Bob Peach: You might have made Robin Marlar Twelfth Man
I suspect that Denley is right which would also make Peach right as well? But then you will have another twist up your sleeve to confound us all no doubt? Did Enoch get it?” He replied: “Yes, they were all presidents of MCC.” He then immediately sent the following unlikely bunch:
Chris Tolley
David Bairstow (w/k)
Paul Collingwood
Glen Chapple
Gareth Batty
Shaun Pollock
Graeme Welch
Arnie Sidebottom
Craig McDermott
Nantie Hayward
Steve Kirby
As usual all you have to do is find out which Jazz Hat fits them all.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket number 43
Back in the fifties, sixties and seventies we were all coached to play straight and not hit across the line. Moreover, it was fundamental to hit the ball along the ground. If you hit the ball cleanly over cow-corner, even if it was off the middle and carried for six, the shot was still derided as a slog and your success with it was simply seen as fortunate. The unacceptable shots from our youth are now all being given a veneer of respectability by the nomenclature that is being used to describe them. The oick to cow corner is now referred to as a slog sweep; whilst stepping back is now referred to as playing inside out, giving yourself room, or freeing the hands. Opening batsmen are coached to hit over the top during the first fifteen overs. This would have brought a whole new dimension to Terry Cordaroy’s approach.
Ashes Postscript
John Isterling sent me the following to add a little perspective
A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. Not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Levi make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Aimée
p.s. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at Ann’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than England getting beaten in the Ashes series again.
But, of course, he may be wrong
Football Matters
Many of you continue to be fascinated by the progress of Kelvin West’s park side, which, of course, is now under the able management of Andrew Baker. Andrew tells me that he likes to keep in touch with his players at all times and being the consummate professional that he is he has issued them all with mobile phones. He recently made a new signing and has asked her to check out the pitches ahead of forthcoming games. In the following pictures you can see his new left-winger reporting back to him from a rather over sanded surface at Wormwood Scrubs for next weekend’s match.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Tel & fax: 01298 70237
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 49
January 2007
Old Wanker’s Almanac
I bumped into the Old Wanker over Christmas and he gave me his predictions for the New Year:
- The ECB award Duncan Fletcher a new five year contract, noting that his Ashes win in 2005 was a magnificent achievement. But Gordon Brown nullifies the award of the OBE to Duncan Fletcher in 2005, on the grounds that the humiliating Ashes defeat in 2006 will make his re-election even more difficult.
- The ECB turns its Loughborough Academy into a residential Home for Former England Ashes Heroes.
- After losing the test series 5-0 England go on to lose all the ODI matches as well. Freddie says that the whole squad showed great determination and character during what had been a gruelling tour and that there were many positives to come back to England with. When asked what they were he couldn’t come up with any but added that if he had to put the defeats down to one thing he would say that losing Gilo after Adelaide had had a crippling effect on the team.
- Freddie Flintoff is relieved of the England captaincy and is replaced by Andrew Strauss. Freddie says that he was only standing in for Marcus Trescothick who was standing in for Michael Vaughan, anyway.
- England wins the World Cup to the amazement of all. Paul Nixon is made Man of the Tournament but nobody outside of Leicestershire can figure out who he is
- Fletch cancels all warm up games for England contracted players. He also bans them from playing in the county championship. He says that match practice will only develop bad habits in their play and that they will get all the practice they need with him in the nets. He warns any aspiring England players to steer clear of the County Championship as well. When asked how they will develop and get recognised he replies: “That’s their problem”.
- Both Ian Bell and Alistair Cook, whilst fielding at short leg, suffer severe injuries from direct hits from Steve Harmison’s new Brisbane Ball. Laughing it off Harmison says that he is pleased to have developed a leg side version and at least he doesn’t get tap from these deliveries.
- James Foster is selected as England’s wicket keeper for the first test against India. He scores an unbeaten century and is faultless behind the stumps. Geraint Jones replaces him for the second test because Fletch says that he has the right mental toughness for the job.
- Banger checks into the Loughborough Home for Former England Ashes Heroes and bumps into Steve Harmison who is having a mural of the Durham countryside painted on the wall in his room.
- Murali Kartik takes ten wickets on his Middlesex debut and Middlesex win all of their second division matches before the Twenty20 midseason break. This assures them of promotion in record time.
- Michael Vaughan breaks down on his return to first class cricket. He calls in at Loughborough to book a room in the Home for Former England Ashes Heroes on his way to hospital and bumps into Banger and Jones the Ball who are playing cribbage. At the hospital the surgeons say that Peg Leg has no right knee left to operate on.
- Andrew Strauss breaks his thumb in the new “all in” wrestling warm up routine designed by Duncan Fletcher before the first test. He is replaced as captain by Geraint Jones, the only surviving member of Fletch’s victorious Ashes side from 2005. He says that he is only standing in for Straussy, who is standing in for Banger, who is standing in for Peg Leg, anyway.
- In an attempt to curry favour with the electorate Gordon Brown makes Freddie a knight. But this backfires when Lord Cook and Viscount Pietersen are arrested in the Runs for Peerages scandal.
- Brian Lara makes the bold statement that his world record test score of 400 not out will never be beaten. When questioned on this announcement he clarifies it by adding that another West Indian won’t beat it as long as he is captain.
- Sachin Tendulkar expresses surprise when it is pointed out to him that Ricky Ponting has caught him up in the number of test match hundreds scored. He rectifies matters by scoring double centuries at Lords, Headingley and the Oval.
- Cameron White and Justin Langer score an extraordinary 350 in a Twenty20 match at Taunton. But Somerset still lose as Surrey score 51 from two overs in a rain reduced match.
- Sven Goran Erickson is appointed manager of the Dallas Cowboys. He immediately signs David Beckham from Real Madrid. They are both horrified when they discover that the Cowboys are an American Football team and resign immediately.
- Duncan Fletcher says that he considers Matthew Hoggard to be “a very useful middle order batsman” and that he will bat in future at number five on merit and not as night watchman. A room is reserved for Fletcher in the psychiatric wing of the Loughborough Home for Old Ashes Heroes.
- Troy Cooley is offered a contract worth £1million a year and the Duchy of Cornwall to come back and coach England’s fast bowlers. He declines. Kevin Shine says that it has not been easy to get the Durham Sprayer back to where he was in 2003.
- Hampshire wins the County Championship in 2007 with their captain performing the double. Asked if he has any thoughts of returning to test cricket he replies “Only if England win the Ashes in 2009”.
- Ed Smith is appointed captain of England for the winter tour. When asked for a quote he replies, “Who is Peg Leg anyway?”
South Hampstead Matters
Avid readers of the Wisden Cricketer will have seen that the Rising Star in the January edition was Shaun “Sam” Levy, who in 2006, as an eighteen year old, scored 987 runs for Winchmore Hill in the Middlesex League. This was just 17 runs short of the League record held by Lee Deller of South Hampstead, whose 1004 was achieved in 1994. I never saw Deller play but Bob Peach tells me that he was an unspectacular accumulator.
Bruce Tutton sent me the following photo of the 1965 South Hampstead 1st XI:
Back row: Tubby Peach, John Weale, Sandy Sandragara, Bill Hart, Terry Cordaroy, Don Wallis, Roy Phipps, Audrey Hawdon
Seated: Bruce Tutton, Alvin Nienow, Bob Peach, Len Stubbs and Robin Ager
There are a number of interesting aspects to this photo:
- It was the last season that featured the old pavilion
- The clock is working
- This was presumably a 2pm fixture and therefore the match was not off to a prompt start
- Bruce tells me that the sides record was: won 23 lost 2
- The man in the background is Laurie Huntley
Murray Hedgcock suggests that Gilo’s preference for over the wicket bowling could be traced to Australian antecedents
Differences between English and Australian cricket - or more probably, between quality cricket on turf, and that of modest standard on artificial wickets - came to mind on reading the Peter Ray comment: “No genuine left-armer would bowl over the wicket to the right-hand bat". When I first reached England in 1953 (yes, I know who won the Ashes that year, thanks) I had played half a dozen seasons of very ordinary country club cricket in Victoria. And I don't know that I had ever faced a left-armer round the wicket: to be truthful, there seemed to be very few left-arm bowlers in my cricketing sphere at all.
Hence, playing (again very modest) club cricket in the South London suburbs, I was thrown off-balance when required to handle left-armers in traditional mode, and never really got used to the ball coming at me at that angle. The reluctance of the Australian left-armer to go round in my sort of cricket may have stemmed from the fact that we mostly played on malthoid - that bituminous substance which softens in the heat, so that your boots can sink into it. Water shortages meant turf was mostly for quality clubs. It was only the very rare bowler who could get any real response from malthoid, and over the wicket probably made the most of any faint turn or movement the left-armer might conjure up.
English club cricketers who live on turf - however uncertain - simply do not know what they have missed by exclusion from the egalitarian world of malthoid.
Literary Matters
The following books are expected to be published early in the New Year:
2006-the year of the double – by John Emburey
Handing them back on a plate – by Duncan Fletcher
Coining it in the stiffs – by David Beckham
Remember me? – by Michael Vaughan
My autobiography, Volume 2, the Middlesex years – by Melvyn Betts
Alan Richardson Matters
Ken James adds further detail to the saga of Alan Richardson’s appearance for Shepherds Bush against South Hampstead last season
The match in which Mr.Richardson played was a very low scoring affair, played at the Bush I must add; scores: South Hampstead 98 all out and the Bush 99 for 9. It was a match which was markedly influenced by the contribution of Mr.Richardson (4 wickets for not many runs and a score 20+ not out at a stage when the Bush were 81for 9 ! Post match sympathy with the South Hampstead 1st.X1, well at least with the few who might have had a clue as to what went on, was further assuaged by my suggestion that Mr Richarsons' presence in the match might be in breach of M.C.C.L. rules, and that there might be a chance of getting the result re-assessed on the grounds that a player registered to play for the county was ineligible for any club other than those in the hallowed confines of the Premier Division and even then when so allocated rarely deigning to play!
So my first port of call on Monday was to the League Chairman, Bob Baxter, former South Hampstead player and confidante, to advise him of this possible breach of rules and assess the chances of a redress. Having listened to my report of the happenings of the previous Saturday his first, two-word response was 'Fucking Emburey'. This gave me a sniff of a possible 10-point bonus in the offing. However, the sniff proved short-lived for though accepting that it was not 'usual' for a county registered player to play in any other than the Premier Division there was not anything in the current rules to actually prevent it happening and it all came down to registration and county dispensation so affirmed the arbiter of all things dubious and not in the rules. He added that there was a possibility of, belatedly, attending to this oversight in the league - so nothing new there then!
The only breach which might have occurred it seems might have come under the all-embracing 'Spirit Of The Game' a very nebulous area indeed and one which might have been and probably was, brought up in the distant past, when opponents of South Hampstead might have encountered a side of near county standard built - quite legally - around a nucleus of high standard overseas players of multi-national backgrounds! By comparison the presence of Mr.Richardson at the Bush on July 29th was very small beer indeed! If however Mr.Richardsons' involvement had affected relegation issues this might have been a different story! C'est le vie.
The Stuff of Nightmares
Imagine this scenario. You have been planning the day for months. You have spent almost £50 for your test match ticket. You manage to find parking at just less than your monthly mortgage repayment. You are heartened and cheered when the npower girls harass you on your way into the ground and eventually you find your way to your designated seat. And then disaster strikes. You find yourself sitting next to this lunatic.
But then of course if you are the sort of chap who likes to sing Victorian hymns endlessly all day to the accompaniment of a sole trumpeter you could be in your cups.
The Eclectic Mr West
You have to admire Kelvin West. He may be, like many of us, of a certain age, but he is always prepared to try something new. He wrote to me recently:
“Now that I have a new coach for my football team, though I still attend training sessions, I need to start thinking about trying a new sport instead of golf and believe that I have found one that looks like much more fun...”
He went on to explain:
“I get my instructors certificate tomorrow.”
I am sure that I speak for us all in wishing Kelvin well in his chosen new activity and for many soft landings.
Cheating Matters
Eric Tracey is rapidly becoming our Cheating Guru. He forwarded last month’s edition that featured his suggestions for appropriate punishments for cheats to some of his own chums. Two of them responded:
Richard Keyse:
I have one slight disagreement under "Cheating matters"...
"People who have played cricket to any level will tell you that it's impossible not to know that you've scooped up a ball on the half-volley as Bravo did yesterday, rather than catching it cleanly above the turf."
I have had personal experience of fielding at a squarish silly mid off where the ball was slashed at me. In the process of ducking, diving and trying to catch the ball, I found the ball firmly stuck in my hand. Nobody thought I could catch it and I really didn't know if I had. As such the appeal was weak and turned down. As I changed fielding positions after the over, one of my fellow team members noticed the bright marks on the end of my fingers where the seam had struck me! How did I feel about that?
Ron Turner:
The Boot Inn, Tisbury, sponsors an annual match: Geriatrics v Juveniles. Qualifications to play are a pint in The Boot Inn in the last year! The choice of team is in the hands of the Landlord, Ron Turner, and the two captains, Neville Burton (Geriatrics) and Jimmy Street (Juveniles). When these games started it was fairly clear at a glance which team was which - with the age of forty being the divide between the two sides. Even then there were some exceptions to this rule. As time has gone on a number of the Juveniles (including the captain) have passed their fortieth birthdays and the Geriatrics have proved quicker off the mark at recruiting some younger newcomers to the village into their team. The result of this is that age is now far from the only criterion for selection for one side or the other, although the Geriatrics is still the older side. The Geriatrics leads the series 7-4.
The game is played at the wonderful Fonthill Park ground opposite the lake that featured in the film, Chocolat. The ground is home to two cricket teams – the Pyt House Players and Little Durnford – and the near perfect pitches are prepared by LDCC’s Club Captain, Keith Steer. It is always fun to watch the more experienced fielders head for the higher ground up the slope to one side of the pitch.
The game is the subject of banter within and without The Boot Inn for eleven months of the year, with stories of attempted umpire influencing (e.g. providing lavish lunches), paying bungs (pints) to induce players to switch sides (never successful) and much replaying of past glories, failings and the like.
The format now is two 20 over innings per side with lunch after the two first innings. Post match celebrations in The Boot include a Court presided over by Mrs Ruth Turner, with the proceeds of the fines and other fundraisings, such as auctions, going to a local charity nominated by the previous year’s winning captain. One year, 2 x 12 inch square pieces of Lords turf raised £200 and now form part of The Boot Inn beer garden!
Nominations for serious fines this year included:
1. The captain of the Juveniles seen at net practice with four of the Geriatrics
2. All of the above five for having net practice
3. The above five plus the Juveniles’ vice captain for going to Lords’ Indoor Nets for coaching!
In this year’s match The Juveniles altered the pavilion clock in order to obtain an illegal advantage. This could be used to the benefit of the game. If a team with intent, slows its bowling rate down, just stop the clock and make the buggers carry on bowling.
Red Mist Matters
In the ODI at Cape Town in November Zaheer Khan removed Smith and Kallis before South Africa had scored and when he dismissed Bosman they were 38 for 3. Gibbs went with the score on 42 and when de Villiers and Boucher were out the score was 76 for 6 with India rampant. Kemp and Pollock added 60 until the latter was run out which brought Hall to the crease at 136 for 7. Kemp then rediscovered some of the form with which he had annihilated England on their last tour. He hit seven sixes and finished 100 not out and with Hall added 138 in an unbroken stand which took them to a highly improbable 274 for 7. Despite Dhoni’s four sixes in reply India never got back in the game and were bundled out for 168.
Meanwhile at Napier our old chums Tharanga and Jayasuriya have been up to their tricks again. New Zealand scored a respectable 285 for 8 from their fifty overs but Jayasuriya went off like a rocket and by the time he was out for 111 the score was 201 for 1. He had hit five sixes and twelve fours from just 82 balls. Tharanga was out at the same score, but they had put their side so far ahead of the clock that, as at Headingley, Jayawardene and Sangakkara were able to complete the job at a more sedate pace but still win the match with ten overs to spare.
Flipper Matters
Alan Flipper Seal organised a cricket day at Dorridge CC for the Motor Industry charity, Ben, in July 2006. It was something of a family outing for him as four of his five sons played alongside him as well as his brother. Three Twenty20 matches were squeezed into the day, which was well supported by luminaries of the industry.
Flipper prepares to open the batting with Elliot, his youngest son.
The cricket varied in standard as ex players pretended they were match fit and young blades creamed it around in the modern style dispatching new rinse to all parts.
Strange Elevens
I responded to the Great Jack Morgan’s teaser in the last edition as follows: “I think that these chaps were all Cambridge men but I doubt whether this will get me out of detention. I doubt very much whether they all went to the same college. Some of them captained England and I suspect that they all captained their counties. Brearley would have slipped into this side if I were right. And so of course would Ed!” He replied: “Yes, there are a few varsity chaps in the team (and I left out a few more) and I suppose that might have a connection to the real link between them. Perhaps the Prof could assist you?”
Meanwhile, several of you were getting closer to the real Jazz Hat than I was. I passed the following on to Jack:
“Bob Denley: They have all been President of the MCC.
Ollie Gibbs: Is the new XI M.C.C. Presidents born outside of England?
Bob Peach: You might have made Robin Marlar Twelfth Man
I suspect that Denley is right which would also make Peach right as well? But then you will have another twist up your sleeve to confound us all no doubt? Did Enoch get it?” He replied: “Yes, they were all presidents of MCC.” He then immediately sent the following unlikely bunch:
Chris Tolley
David Bairstow (w/k)
Paul Collingwood
Glen Chapple
Gareth Batty
Shaun Pollock
Graeme Welch
Arnie Sidebottom
Craig McDermott
Nantie Hayward
Steve Kirby
As usual all you have to do is find out which Jazz Hat fits them all.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket number 43
Back in the fifties, sixties and seventies we were all coached to play straight and not hit across the line. Moreover, it was fundamental to hit the ball along the ground. If you hit the ball cleanly over cow-corner, even if it was off the middle and carried for six, the shot was still derided as a slog and your success with it was simply seen as fortunate. The unacceptable shots from our youth are now all being given a veneer of respectability by the nomenclature that is being used to describe them. The oick to cow corner is now referred to as a slog sweep; whilst stepping back is now referred to as playing inside out, giving yourself room, or freeing the hands. Opening batsmen are coached to hit over the top during the first fifteen overs. This would have brought a whole new dimension to Terry Cordaroy’s approach.
Ashes Postscript
John Isterling sent me the following to add a little perspective
A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. Not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.
Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Levi make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Aimée
p.s. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at Ann’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than England getting beaten in the Ashes series again.
But, of course, he may be wrong
Football Matters
Many of you continue to be fascinated by the progress of Kelvin West’s park side, which, of course, is now under the able management of Andrew Baker. Andrew tells me that he likes to keep in touch with his players at all times and being the consummate professional that he is he has issued them all with mobile phones. He recently made a new signing and has asked her to check out the pitches ahead of forthcoming games. In the following pictures you can see his new left-winger reporting back to him from a rather over sanded surface at Wormwood Scrubs for next weekend’s match.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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