GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 44
August 2006
Silly Season Caption Competition
The following, hitherto unpublished, photo was taken at the South Hampstead re-union in 2004. It features Allen Bruton, Bob Peach and John Williams. All you have to do is come up with some witty captions for all or some of them. I make the following suggestions to get you started.
1. John Williams: “Would you like a beer Bob? I just pinched this from Don Wallis when he wasn’t looking.”
Bob Peach: “Don’t worry, he didn’t buy it, it’s a pint.”
2. Bob Peach: “You can’t remember who any of these people are, can you John?”
John Williams: “Don’t look so smug Bob. Neither can you!”
Allen Bruton: “Senile old bastards.”
3. Bob Peach: “Have you heard from Arthur Kirkwood lately, John?”
John Williams: “I thought that we agreed that we would keep it quiet that we both played at Harrow Town.”
3. John Williams: “For the last time Bob, will you stop standing on my foot?”
4. Bob Peach: “I want to know how you managed to get your finger stuck in the side of that glass, John.”
Allen Bruton: “Isn’t that one of Harry Baylis’ tricks?”
5. Bob Peach: “John, don’t you think that we could bowl a better line and length than these guys?”
John Williams: “I’m sure that we could manage a tight five overs each.”
Allen Bruton: “Dream on.”
6. Allen Bruton: “Ken James says that he is two short for the Extra Third XI game at Vale Farm this afternoon. Have you two got your kit in the boot of your cars?”
Both: “No!”
7. Allen Bruton: “ Bob, John was just telling me that he can still do a lap of the ground faster than you.”
Bob Peach: “We shall never find out.”
Out and About with the Professor
The national situation is so dire I thought you would like a bit of news form the grass roots. You will be pleased to know that WGCCC have gone back to the top of the table after a good win against Radlett. The title seems to be between us and them and Potters Bar…we shall see.
When not able to get down to Hertfordshire I have looked in on Harrogate and have just joined as a social member. Some Googlies readers may well know the ground and have played there, but it was comparatively new to me. Harrogate won the Yorkshire League last season but then had five of their top order leave for various reasons and so, as a result, are understandably struggling a little this year. The parallel with England suggests itself except that a club has only its second team players to look to for replacements - whereas England can go to the counties to replace their injured stars. The counties have, as we know, many top quality cricketers but, sadly, most of them are not qualified to play for England. Harrogate have attracted a couple of new first teamers but have also taken the opportunity to play some very young cricketers who clearly have promise but, as yet, struggle at this level. The young wicket keeper, for example, who looks about twelve, has the unnerving habit of catching the snicks but dropping the returns – “Needs ta concentrate t’whole bloody time” as a local succinctly put it to me. (The standard is, by the way, pretty high). Dave Pennett who had a brief career with Notts in the mid-1990s captains the side. He is, as they say, a whole-hearted (that is, noisy) cricketer.
The ground is interesting. You go in through the Maurice Leyland gates, which is a bit of a clue about their most distinguished former player, and park ,if you’re wise, on the bank which used to have seating for county matches. The Club lost its first class fixtures about a decade ago. The reasons seem to be as numerous as the people you ask about it, but I guess it was part of the consolidation that nearly all counties have gone through. I recall that Yorkshire (in addition to Leeds and Scarborough) used to play at Hull, Sheffield, and Bradford and probably somewhere else as well. Indeed I recall visiting Sheffield with the Great Jack Morgan to see the late Fred Trueman’s team defeat the 1968 Australians. There is still seating for about a thousand spectators and they can get a decent crowd for charity or Academy matches but otherwise there is just the usual dozen or so old buffers among whom I now find myself comfortably ensconced. The playing surface is very good – both the wicket and the outfield are top class - as indeed is the third team ground, which is behind the pavilion rather like Winchmore Hill - although on a different scale.
The problem, which as always relates to finance, is that the whole ground has a slightly down-at-heal feel about it, with an elderly pavilion in desperate need of refurbishment and a set of railings outside the boundary that are in various stages of collapse. Its nothing that £100,000 wouldn’t put right but without the Yorkshire fixtures, they don’t have the money – or “brass” as they say up here. It’s a thriving club however and does attract some sponsorship but, as we all know, cricket is an expensive game to keep going and all the test match revenue goes to the counties.
I will keep you posted on future developments as and when.
England Matters The Great Jack Morgan expounds his new theory on the ludicrous pronouncements that emanate from the England camp
Isn’t it nonsense that Graveney should announce that M Vaughan is still the England captain? I suppose they were trying to give him some encouragement, but what effect will it have on the likes of Strauss and Flintoff? Even if he did manage to hobble back into the England team, they would be very silly to reappoint him as captain for what would surely only be a handful of appearances. As with some other controversial statements, Fletcher made sure that this came from Graveney so that he can deny that he ever thought of giving the captaincy back to Vaughan.
More crap from David (I talk bollocks) Graveney: he has now announced that G Jones is the best wicket keeper in England! What rubbish! This is so nonsensical that I reckon there must be an alternative way of interpreting these announcements. How about this one: “G Jones is the best wicket keeper in England” actually means that Uncle Dunc is beginning to accept the universal view that Geraint is, in fact, totally useless, but he does not want to upset him just yet by letting his view be known, so he instructs DG to make another bollocks announcement. I would be greatly heartened if I were C Read, J Foster, S Davies or any county keeper.
Paddington Matters Denis Jones sends us a mid term report and extends an invitation to a gathering
Paddington's cricket may not be to the standard of previous years, but there has been no lack of thrills, fun, and exciting finishes as we go on our travels each Sunday. At Reigate Priory yesterday, after looking comfortable winners with 25 runs needed from 5 overs and wickets to spare, we juggled our batting order and suddenly found we needed 7 off the last over. Fortunately, captain Steve Bunning hit the winning runs with three balls to spare, casually stating that he had it all under control. A few days earlier, playing at Ealing in their cricket week and needing 190 to win, we recovered from 77 for 7, and 161 for 9, to record yet another nail-biting victory.
We have come a long-way second in a couple of matches, but have won 9 of the 13 we have played, including 4 wins in the last over. Like most over-critical ex-players, I miss out on the dressing-room banter nowadays, but manage to be included in the loop as the players exchange e-mail insults during the week. The guys are obviously enjoying themselves, with some typically good sarcasm thrown about after three of them were run out (and just possibly all by the same batsman at the other end) before Chris Bunning smashed a boundary to achieve a last-ball victory at Beaconsfield.
We have had to rearrange our Presidents Day gathering, and have nominated our visit to Finchley on September 3rd as a day for all our members and friends to make a special effort to attend. It was a successful event last year, and any of your readers who may have enjoyed playing either for or against Paddington over the years is welcome to join us there.
On another track altogether, I note that Peploe bowled 16 overs in Middlesex's current Championship game with Durham, before being withdrawn because Dalrymple returned from the test squad. I believe similar events have occurred previously. This shows a complete disrespect for the laws of the game, the integrity of the competition, and the admission-paying spectators. Central contracts have also contributed to two of those factors. Over and above that, it often seems that at the height of the summer little championship cricket is played, whilst limited-overs stuff abounds. It should be well within the scope of the ECB (or whichever organisation is responsible) to devise a fixture list that prevents this farcical situation, otherwise they should admit that the County Championship takes a very low priority in their planning of fixtures, and accept the consequences for the development of future England players. In relation to this, why seemingly, is no attempt made to rearrange 'washed out' fixtures in any of the competitions? There certainly seems to be plenty of blank days available, especially for Middlesex, who seem incapable of progressing in any competition.
Middlesex Matters The Great Jack Morgan reports on a Middlesex hopeful who may be closer to the county side than he realises
I went to Finchampstead on Tuesday for the last day of the championship match against Shropshire. Lovely ground and beautiful weather, but it was not a great match, I’m afraid. They had lost too much time on days one and two and it really needed the captains to agree on a target, but this did not happen and Julian Wood left his declaration much too late to interest Salop in a run chase. The main interest was in seeing how Dan Housego would do at this level. Housego is from Windsor, so J Emburey apparently rang up Berks and suggested that they give Housego a run out in their championship side. Well a little matter of 171* suggests that he did very well. Even then, I was only slightly impressed by his pre-lunch performance, which was rather too sedate for the situation in which Berks found themselves. After lunch, however, he unfurled the full range of shots and there was no doubting that this is a young player of some class, even though some of the Salop bowling hinted that they were trying to encourage an early declaration (dream on lads). In fact, the rate of scoring after lunch led us all to believe that we would see an enterprising declaration and an exciting day’s play... but sadly not. As Housego also made 99 in the first innings, he can be said to have had a useful match and I look forward to improved performances in the 2s.
Warm up Wankers
I have come to the conclusion that having players on central contract is like being permanently on tour and we all know that England teams on tour sooner or later develop Tour Madness. Everyone knows that the silly games and exercises performed by the squad before games are inappropriate to cricket and sooner or later lead to tears before play starts. The latest example of this occurred when Hoggy got his hand lacerated by an opponent whilst engaging in a game of rugby in the warm up during the game between England A and Pakistan. There is no point in any of us pointing out the insanity of such practices to the management since they are in a world of their own and clearly know best.
Therefore, Googlies has decided to come up with some suggestions for routines to be carried as part of the warm up before play starts. The idea is to sharpen the reflexes and prepare the players for the combat to follow. It should also produce some blood for those early spectators who may have a taste for the gladiatorial:
Modern Enigma
I went as a guest of the sponsors, my accountants Baker Tilly, to a Lords Taverners fundraiser between Lord Stafford’s XI and Nick Hancock’s XI at Cholmondeley Castle which is in Cheshire between Crewe and Wrexham. It was a glorious day and the setting was magnificent. There were a load of celebrities listed as in the team squads but, as is no doubt usual at these events, very few actually appeared. In Lord Stafford’s side there were Mark Durden-Smith, Clayton Blackmore, Adam Partridge and the ancient Chester City goal scorer, Gary Talbot. In Nick Hancock’s side there were Nick Holmes, Arthur Smith, Alvin Kalicharan and Rob Bailey.
In addition both sides had two ladies from the English ladies squad-Laura Newton, Jenny Gunn, Charlotte Edwards and Rosalie Birch. Since the pavilion was a standard two dressing room affair I found myself pondering what the changing arrangements are in these circumstances. There was a very large modern marquee for the guests and so I didn’t have occasion to check out the pavilion for myself but asked some of the fellow guests at lunchtime what their experiences were in circumstances that could never have arisen in my playing days.
I thought that the initial reaction was reticence to discuss the matter but Ian Spink eventually divulged that a few years back he had been playing in a third eleven match for Oxton, his local club. They had been extremely short of players and so had selected a player from their club’s Ladies side to make up the numbers. He remembers the players looking around the dressing room trying to assess the protocol for this unprecedented event. He tells me that they quickly decided to just get on with it and so dropped their kegs. He went on to say that being a third team match the playing field was situated away from the main pavilion and the changing facilities that he was referring to were just that. After the game the players went to the main pavilion where there were separate ladies and gents showers.
I decided to try to get more stories about the problems associated with mixed cricket and I received this from the Professor:
“Many yeas' ago I was captaining WGCCC in a match at Berkhampstead who were, at the time, quite a useful Hertfordshire side. Our hosts had just sold up their old town centre ground for a vast sum and bought a chunk of land in the middle of nowhere to establish a cricket centre with three (inevitably soulless) pitches, a large well equipped pavilion, indoor facilities, etc.
We played a dull and unsuccessful match in a windswept bleak landscape but there was a little interest (for the younger members of the team - naturally) in the women's match that was taking place on the adjacent pitch. The while thing was given more point when we were told, at tea time, that since the pavilion was still under construction, there was only one set of showers. The women's match finished and, shortly afterwards, so did ours. Several players who had strolled about in a desultory way all afternoon now showed a rare turn of speed and shot into the changing rooms before presenting themselves in a shower room full of naked but chunky (so I'm told) young women. I have no memory of any other details of the game.”
I replied that it would have been good to hear from anyone who might have had first hand experience of this event. The Professor replied:
“Well...I may have had a peek.”
The Great Jack Morgan was able to contribute the following:
“There was always a ladies (tennis) dressing room at the Bush, so no problems of that nature would have arisen. On the few occasions that I have heard of females turning out in men’s cricket, I remember hearing that they always turned up in their whites and departed in them afterwards so that they did not need to confront the horrors of the dressing room at all. However, when I retired from cricket in 1974, I played social badminton after work for several years. Some time around the mid-seventies, extensive renovation work meant that the men’s showers had to be closed for several weeks, which meant that, unfortunately, we had to share with the ladies. Several of the women chose to shoot straight off home during this period, giving the showers a wide berth, while others would sneak in for the early bath when there was no one else around. Others would also eschew the showers but were happy to sit around the changing rooms in their bras and knickers whilst keeping an eye on the fine male physiques on display, while a bold two or three were so uninhibited (especially if, as was usually the case, several glasses had been consumed) that they enthusiastically embraced the new concept of unisex showering before adjourning for further refreshments! The seventies eh? Numbers attending badminton increased dramatically during this period, but when the renovation work was completed after a couple of months, attendance slumped back to its normal unexceptional level.”
I then received some notes from the other side, as it were. Nicky Bowes sent me the following:
“I play both women’s cricket and for a mixed team, although invariably I am the only female in the team. The mixed team I play for is the Barmy Army (who from previous musings Dad has shown me, you’re not a keen exponent of, but given another opportunity I’m sure I could change your opinion of us). I always have to change in the ladies toilet and if I need a shower it’s always after all the men are finished and I can find someone to keep guard for me! To be fair, I don’t usually have to buy a drink in the bar afterwards though!
One match we played I opened the batting with my then boyfriend against the equivalent Australian Barmy Army, the Fanatics. I got hit in the ribs by a wayward bouncer and 2 or 3 of the fielders rushed up to help ‘rub it better’ which drew snarls from my boyfriend at the other end. Frequently the opposition find it very frustrating if they can’t get me out as it’s a slight on their ability not to mention masculinity.”
Any further contributions on this fascinating topic will be most welcome
Red Mist Matters
I was fortunate enough to be at Headingley for the fifth one day international between England and Sri Lanka as the guest of Yorkshire Bank. I got there nice and early and was in my seat by 9.30am. I had had to run the gauntlet of the girls in their various guises after getting through security and if it wasn’t for the accents they could have been the same bunch that I had encountered at Lords.
The England team were playing their silly handball games whilst the Sri Lankans were doing intense fielding practice. Then England started doing fielding practice with KP taking swirling catches and racing around in front of me. He then padded up and had a net. The loudspeaker then announced that England were as listed on the card and that excluded him. Which was all very strange? If he wasn’t fit why go through manoeuvres that could have caused more damage? If he was fit why didn’t he play?
I was square on to the wicket but opposite the replay screen and Vaas bowled beautifully going past Banger’s outside edge with late away swing repeatedly. Neither he nor Cook could get a touch and after five overs they managed just 7 between them. They both played some good shots but had only got 82 from 17 overs when Cook holed out. Bell then blocked for over ten overs, which damaged England’s cause. No one seemed to know what would constitute a good score even in the normal course. I kept saying 320 for England to have a chance. I suspect that they thought that 321 was actually a good score but they had never dominated the bowling and managed this despite their very slow start.
We trooped downstairs and into an enormous windowless dining room. The food was excellent but as I finished my sweet play was resuming on the big screen. I seemed to be the only one watching as Ali conceded 9 from the first over and Bresnan 18 from the second to Jayasuriya and Tharanga. I sensed something special afoot and was excused from the table and went back to my seat upstairs. By the time the third over was complete the score was 46 and I suspect to all intents and purposes the game was over. The 50 came up after 22 balls and this was quickly followed by the 100 in 8 overs. Harmison and Ali put the brake on the next two overs since they only went for eight each.
The 150 came up in 12.1 overs and the 200 in 21 overs. It was Dalrymple who was almost entirely responsible for this relative slowing of the scoring. His first over, bowled as a singleton, had cost 14 but his remaining nine went for only 34 which was quite extraordinary given the carnage being meted out at the other end. The target of 321 was reached in the 38th over. At one stage they were on for over 600 in fifty overs, even at the end the rate was enough to have overhauled the South Africans 438 at the Wanderers in February.
All this magnificent batting was watched by less than half of the full house that had watched England bat in the morning. Many had gone off into pubs in Leeds to watch the England football match and the rest were in downstairs rooms at the ground. It served them right to have missed it.
Ray’s Eight
I obviously went too far last month and have now received the following letter from Peter Ray’s solicitors
From: Messrs Pessary, Dangling, Emrod & Fungal, Solicitors.
Sirs,
We are writing on behalf of our client, Mr Peter F. Ray, whom you have libelled grossly in the recent issue of your electronic magazine, Goolies. In it you imply that our client is an umpire of doubtful quality, lacking impartiality, of impaired function and moving swiftly into a state of advanced senile decay. Our client refutes all these statements, as do we, having received part of our fee upfront.
Our client believes that these gross libels originate in the first Middlesex League Premiership match umpired by him in which Stanmore were at home to Eastcote. Our client informs us that the Stanmore pitch had been under water on the previous Monday and that, bowling from the pavilion end where, historically, the bounce has always been somewhat low, the bounce was, on this occasion, even lower.
We are instructed that a Mr Patel, a man of slight build and of just below average height, bowled for Southgate at the pavilion end - that at which our client was standing - and, getting in close to the stumps with the exception of two deliveries only, and bowling with an arm slightly off-vertical, proceeded to pitch the majority of his deliveries on, or only just outside off stump. Although some tended to move moved away off the seam, a large proportion of these deliveries moved back into the batsman. Our client avers that when, as happened on at least four occasions, the batsman failed to play such delivery he had little option, the law being what it is at present, but to give the batman out LBW. Indeed, our client goes further and states that even under the LBW law prior to 1937 (about which we understand you may have some knowledge) these batsmen would have been adjudged to be out.
When Eastcote batted, the opening bowler at our client's end, was one Mr Maharoof who, our client informs us, has recently been taking part in the ritual humiliation of the England Team or, as we are required to refer to them for reasons beyond our understanding or indeed our remit, Team England, by the Sri Lankans. He bowled also quite close to the stumps, at a briskish pace, and straight to a very full length. Again, on at least four occasions the batsman played but missed, and was hit on the pad or boot. Our instructions are that our client determined that the conditions of both the old and the new LBW law were satisfied on four occasions and he took the requisite action.
Our client asserts that in the Stanmore bar after the match, with one exception, no player disputed the decisions given by him. The exception was one Mr Umesh Valji, a gentleman who suffers the misfortune of being profoundly deaf. In consequence, he speaks - if that is the correct term - silently, moving his lips as in films made before the release of The Jazz Singer. Approaching our client, Mr Valji mimed, "You know my LBW?" Our client nodded his assent. Mr Valji then mimed, "I got a faint edge onto my pad." Our client does not question the integrity of Mr Valji nor his sincerity but our client has instructed us that, from time to time, he did take the odd wicket and score the odd run and therefore, to use his own words but with appropriate deletions, he should know what the xxxx might be xxxxxxx out or not, and whether the xxxxxx had hit the xxxxxxx thing.
Our client, a man with deeper sensitivities than might be guessed at, has been deeply wounded by these appalling and totally unjustified libels. However, he is neither a malicious nor an avaricious man. He states that a simple apology would satisfy him, particularly if that apology were to be accompanied by a small donation to the Shepherd's Bush CC. We await your further advices.
Yours faithfully
I. M. Sleightly-Dangling
for
Messrs Pessary, Emrod, Dangling & Fungal.
Pugsley Matters
All Googlies readers will wish Bob Proctor a full and speedy recovery from his recent illness.
Strange Elevens
I seem to be on a roll with the recent Strange Elevens. When the Great Jack Morgan sent me last months Jazz Hat Boys I replied: “I think that I know the answer or something close for the Vic Wilson side. It is to do with either being selected for only one overseas tour or only going on one overseas tour, or going on a tour but not playing in a test match. Either that or they all like Marmite. “
The Great Jack Morgan replied: “Great guess about the Marmite eaters: how did you know? But one of your other guesses was almost spot on: they have all toured with the England Test team, but have never played in a Test.” He then came up with this bunch of multi coloured millinery wearers:
Grahame Clinton
Kim Barnett
Iain Sutcliffe
John Crawley
Steve Titchard
David Nash (w/k)
Jeremy Snape
John Shepherd
Alex Wharf
Tony Lock
Neil Killeen
All you have to do is decide what they have in common.
Football Matters I was hoping to bring you an update on Andrew Baker’s new role as Manager of Kelvin West’s local soccer side. However, Andrew has proved extremely difficult to contact and all I get back is messages saying that he is “tied up”, “giving one on one coaching sessions”, “the team are exercising behind closed doors” etc. As soon as I hear anything from the man himself I will pass it on.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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7"> However, we tracked down a club that has had honourable mentions in this chronicle, and so she is now a Teddington member, benefiting from the advice of real coaching, and not just Grandfather and (occasionally) Dad. But it did not take Touche Ross - or whoever they are today - to calculate that it has cost the better part of five hundred pounds to kit her out, send her to Lord’s, pay her club sub, etc. Is this still, sadly, a reason why the Summer Game struggles against that other 11-a-side pastime, where all you basically need is a football?
Ashes Matters and another Crawshay Offer Dick Crawshay vents his spleen over the ticketing arrangements for this winter’s activities and makes you all another generous offer
Well the Ashes series has started in earnest with the Australian side showing severe cracks in their armoury. The ticketing arrangements were a scandal. They simply learnt nothing form the Olympic experience, where the ticketing problems resulted in an official apology form the Government Minister in charge. Thankfully the games didn’t suffer the same fate.
The planning for the ticket allocation for the Ashes series seemed sensible. Set up a site for the keen supporters, calling them ‘The Cricket Family’. Send them emails telling them how special they are and how easy it will be to get tickets. Keep up the excitement with a countdown on days to go- and get ready to order. Give them a personal access code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
Googlies Volume 2 now available
I have now published the second twenty editions of Googlies & Chinamen in hardback form. Both volumes are available from www.lulu.com or if you prefer from me at the contact details below.
Earlier Editions I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 44
August 2006
Silly Season Caption Competition
The following, hitherto unpublished, photo was taken at the South Hampstead re-union in 2004. It features Allen Bruton, Bob Peach and John Williams. All you have to do is come up with some witty captions for all or some of them. I make the following suggestions to get you started.
1. John Williams: “Would you like a beer Bob? I just pinched this from Don Wallis when he wasn’t looking.”
Bob Peach: “Don’t worry, he didn’t buy it, it’s a pint.”
2. Bob Peach: “You can’t remember who any of these people are, can you John?”
John Williams: “Don’t look so smug Bob. Neither can you!”
Allen Bruton: “Senile old bastards.”
3. Bob Peach: “Have you heard from Arthur Kirkwood lately, John?”
John Williams: “I thought that we agreed that we would keep it quiet that we both played at Harrow Town.”
3. John Williams: “For the last time Bob, will you stop standing on my foot?”
4. Bob Peach: “I want to know how you managed to get your finger stuck in the side of that glass, John.”
Allen Bruton: “Isn’t that one of Harry Baylis’ tricks?”
5. Bob Peach: “John, don’t you think that we could bowl a better line and length than these guys?”
John Williams: “I’m sure that we could manage a tight five overs each.”
Allen Bruton: “Dream on.”
6. Allen Bruton: “Ken James says that he is two short for the Extra Third XI game at Vale Farm this afternoon. Have you two got your kit in the boot of your cars?”
Both: “No!”
7. Allen Bruton: “ Bob, John was just telling me that he can still do a lap of the ground faster than you.”
Bob Peach: “We shall never find out.”
Out and About with the Professor
The national situation is so dire I thought you would like a bit of news form the grass roots. You will be pleased to know that WGCCC have gone back to the top of the table after a good win against Radlett. The title seems to be between us and them and Potters Bar…we shall see.
When not able to get down to Hertfordshire I have looked in on Harrogate and have just joined as a social member. Some Googlies readers may well know the ground and have played there, but it was comparatively new to me. Harrogate won the Yorkshire League last season but then had five of their top order leave for various reasons and so, as a result, are understandably struggling a little this year. The parallel with England suggests itself except that a club has only its second team players to look to for replacements - whereas England can go to the counties to replace their injured stars. The counties have, as we know, many top quality cricketers but, sadly, most of them are not qualified to play for England. Harrogate have attracted a couple of new first teamers but have also taken the opportunity to play some very young cricketers who clearly have promise but, as yet, struggle at this level. The young wicket keeper, for example, who looks about twelve, has the unnerving habit of catching the snicks but dropping the returns – “Needs ta concentrate t’whole bloody time” as a local succinctly put it to me. (The standard is, by the way, pretty high). Dave Pennett who had a brief career with Notts in the mid-1990s captains the side. He is, as they say, a whole-hearted (that is, noisy) cricketer.
The ground is interesting. You go in through the Maurice Leyland gates, which is a bit of a clue about their most distinguished former player, and park ,if you’re wise, on the bank which used to have seating for county matches. The Club lost its first class fixtures about a decade ago. The reasons seem to be as numerous as the people you ask about it, but I guess it was part of the consolidation that nearly all counties have gone through. I recall that Yorkshire (in addition to Leeds and Scarborough) used to play at Hull, Sheffield, and Bradford and probably somewhere else as well. Indeed I recall visiting Sheffield with the Great Jack Morgan to see the late Fred Trueman’s team defeat the 1968 Australians. There is still seating for about a thousand spectators and they can get a decent crowd for charity or Academy matches but otherwise there is just the usual dozen or so old buffers among whom I now find myself comfortably ensconced. The playing surface is very good – both the wicket and the outfield are top class - as indeed is the third team ground, which is behind the pavilion rather like Winchmore Hill - although on a different scale.
The problem, which as always relates to finance, is that the whole ground has a slightly down-at-heal feel about it, with an elderly pavilion in desperate need of refurbishment and a set of railings outside the boundary that are in various stages of collapse. Its nothing that £100,000 wouldn’t put right but without the Yorkshire fixtures, they don’t have the money – or “brass” as they say up here. It’s a thriving club however and does attract some sponsorship but, as we all know, cricket is an expensive game to keep going and all the test match revenue goes to the counties.
I will keep you posted on future developments as and when.
England Matters The Great Jack Morgan expounds his new theory on the ludicrous pronouncements that emanate from the England camp
Isn’t it nonsense that Graveney should announce that M Vaughan is still the England captain? I suppose they were trying to give him some encouragement, but what effect will it have on the likes of Strauss and Flintoff? Even if he did manage to hobble back into the England team, they would be very silly to reappoint him as captain for what would surely only be a handful of appearances. As with some other controversial statements, Fletcher made sure that this came from Graveney so that he can deny that he ever thought of giving the captaincy back to Vaughan.
More crap from David (I talk bollocks) Graveney: he has now announced that G Jones is the best wicket keeper in England! What rubbish! This is so nonsensical that I reckon there must be an alternative way of interpreting these announcements. How about this one: “G Jones is the best wicket keeper in England” actually means that Uncle Dunc is beginning to accept the universal view that Geraint is, in fact, totally useless, but he does not want to upset him just yet by letting his view be known, so he instructs DG to make another bollocks announcement. I would be greatly heartened if I were C Read, J Foster, S Davies or any county keeper.
Paddington Matters Denis Jones sends us a mid term report and extends an invitation to a gathering
Paddington's cricket may not be to the standard of previous years, but there has been no lack of thrills, fun, and exciting finishes as we go on our travels each Sunday. At Reigate Priory yesterday, after looking comfortable winners with 25 runs needed from 5 overs and wickets to spare, we juggled our batting order and suddenly found we needed 7 off the last over. Fortunately, captain Steve Bunning hit the winning runs with three balls to spare, casually stating that he had it all under control. A few days earlier, playing at Ealing in their cricket week and needing 190 to win, we recovered from 77 for 7, and 161 for 9, to record yet another nail-biting victory.
We have come a long-way second in a couple of matches, but have won 9 of the 13 we have played, including 4 wins in the last over. Like most over-critical ex-players, I miss out on the dressing-room banter nowadays, but manage to be included in the loop as the players exchange e-mail insults during the week. The guys are obviously enjoying themselves, with some typically good sarcasm thrown about after three of them were run out (and just possibly all by the same batsman at the other end) before Chris Bunning smashed a boundary to achieve a last-ball victory at Beaconsfield.
We have had to rearrange our Presidents Day gathering, and have nominated our visit to Finchley on September 3rd as a day for all our members and friends to make a special effort to attend. It was a successful event last year, and any of your readers who may have enjoyed playing either for or against Paddington over the years is welcome to join us there.
On another track altogether, I note that Peploe bowled 16 overs in Middlesex's current Championship game with Durham, before being withdrawn because Dalrymple returned from the test squad. I believe similar events have occurred previously. This shows a complete disrespect for the laws of the game, the integrity of the competition, and the admission-paying spectators. Central contracts have also contributed to two of those factors. Over and above that, it often seems that at the height of the summer little championship cricket is played, whilst limited-overs stuff abounds. It should be well within the scope of the ECB (or whichever organisation is responsible) to devise a fixture list that prevents this farcical situation, otherwise they should admit that the County Championship takes a very low priority in their planning of fixtures, and accept the consequences for the development of future England players. In relation to this, why seemingly, is no attempt made to rearrange 'washed out' fixtures in any of the competitions? There certainly seems to be plenty of blank days available, especially for Middlesex, who seem incapable of progressing in any competition.
Middlesex Matters The Great Jack Morgan reports on a Middlesex hopeful who may be closer to the county side than he realises
I went to Finchampstead on Tuesday for the last day of the championship match against Shropshire. Lovely ground and beautiful weather, but it was not a great match, I’m afraid. They had lost too much time on days one and two and it really needed the captains to agree on a target, but this did not happen and Julian Wood left his declaration much too late to interest Salop in a run chase. The main interest was in seeing how Dan Housego would do at this level. Housego is from Windsor, so J Emburey apparently rang up Berks and suggested that they give Housego a run out in their championship side. Well a little matter of 171* suggests that he did very well. Even then, I was only slightly impressed by his pre-lunch performance, which was rather too sedate for the situation in which Berks found themselves. After lunch, however, he unfurled the full range of shots and there was no doubting that this is a young player of some class, even though some of the Salop bowling hinted that they were trying to encourage an early declaration (dream on lads). In fact, the rate of scoring after lunch led us all to believe that we would see an enterprising declaration and an exciting day’s play... but sadly not. As Housego also made 99 in the first innings, he can be said to have had a useful match and I look forward to improved performances in the 2s.
Warm up Wankers
I have come to the conclusion that having players on central contract is like being permanently on tour and we all know that England teams on tour sooner or later develop Tour Madness. Everyone knows that the silly games and exercises performed by the squad before games are inappropriate to cricket and sooner or later lead to tears before play starts. The latest example of this occurred when Hoggy got his hand lacerated by an opponent whilst engaging in a game of rugby in the warm up during the game between England A and Pakistan. There is no point in any of us pointing out the insanity of such practices to the management since they are in a world of their own and clearly know best.
Therefore, Googlies has decided to come up with some suggestions for routines to be carried as part of the warm up before play starts. The idea is to sharpen the reflexes and prepare the players for the combat to follow. It should also produce some blood for those early spectators who may have a taste for the gladiatorial:
- Swimming in a portable plastic swimming pool already occupied by a shark.
- Throwing javelins at each other from ten yards. The receiver has to avoid it and catch it in flight.
- Juggling with cannonballs.
- Throwing cannonballs over your shoulder for anyone who may be behind you to catch.
- Running in roller blades over sheets of corrugated iron.
- Bungee jumping over a freshly tarred surface.
- Abseiling down the sides of the pavilion.
- Using a slip catching cradle whilst players take turns to lie supine in it.
Modern Enigma
I went as a guest of the sponsors, my accountants Baker Tilly, to a Lords Taverners fundraiser between Lord Stafford’s XI and Nick Hancock’s XI at Cholmondeley Castle which is in Cheshire between Crewe and Wrexham. It was a glorious day and the setting was magnificent. There were a load of celebrities listed as in the team squads but, as is no doubt usual at these events, very few actually appeared. In Lord Stafford’s side there were Mark Durden-Smith, Clayton Blackmore, Adam Partridge and the ancient Chester City goal scorer, Gary Talbot. In Nick Hancock’s side there were Nick Holmes, Arthur Smith, Alvin Kalicharan and Rob Bailey.
In addition both sides had two ladies from the English ladies squad-Laura Newton, Jenny Gunn, Charlotte Edwards and Rosalie Birch. Since the pavilion was a standard two dressing room affair I found myself pondering what the changing arrangements are in these circumstances. There was a very large modern marquee for the guests and so I didn’t have occasion to check out the pavilion for myself but asked some of the fellow guests at lunchtime what their experiences were in circumstances that could never have arisen in my playing days.
I thought that the initial reaction was reticence to discuss the matter but Ian Spink eventually divulged that a few years back he had been playing in a third eleven match for Oxton, his local club. They had been extremely short of players and so had selected a player from their club’s Ladies side to make up the numbers. He remembers the players looking around the dressing room trying to assess the protocol for this unprecedented event. He tells me that they quickly decided to just get on with it and so dropped their kegs. He went on to say that being a third team match the playing field was situated away from the main pavilion and the changing facilities that he was referring to were just that. After the game the players went to the main pavilion where there were separate ladies and gents showers.
I decided to try to get more stories about the problems associated with mixed cricket and I received this from the Professor:
“Many yeas' ago I was captaining WGCCC in a match at Berkhampstead who were, at the time, quite a useful Hertfordshire side. Our hosts had just sold up their old town centre ground for a vast sum and bought a chunk of land in the middle of nowhere to establish a cricket centre with three (inevitably soulless) pitches, a large well equipped pavilion, indoor facilities, etc.
We played a dull and unsuccessful match in a windswept bleak landscape but there was a little interest (for the younger members of the team - naturally) in the women's match that was taking place on the adjacent pitch. The while thing was given more point when we were told, at tea time, that since the pavilion was still under construction, there was only one set of showers. The women's match finished and, shortly afterwards, so did ours. Several players who had strolled about in a desultory way all afternoon now showed a rare turn of speed and shot into the changing rooms before presenting themselves in a shower room full of naked but chunky (so I'm told) young women. I have no memory of any other details of the game.”
I replied that it would have been good to hear from anyone who might have had first hand experience of this event. The Professor replied:
“Well...I may have had a peek.”
The Great Jack Morgan was able to contribute the following:
“There was always a ladies (tennis) dressing room at the Bush, so no problems of that nature would have arisen. On the few occasions that I have heard of females turning out in men’s cricket, I remember hearing that they always turned up in their whites and departed in them afterwards so that they did not need to confront the horrors of the dressing room at all. However, when I retired from cricket in 1974, I played social badminton after work for several years. Some time around the mid-seventies, extensive renovation work meant that the men’s showers had to be closed for several weeks, which meant that, unfortunately, we had to share with the ladies. Several of the women chose to shoot straight off home during this period, giving the showers a wide berth, while others would sneak in for the early bath when there was no one else around. Others would also eschew the showers but were happy to sit around the changing rooms in their bras and knickers whilst keeping an eye on the fine male physiques on display, while a bold two or three were so uninhibited (especially if, as was usually the case, several glasses had been consumed) that they enthusiastically embraced the new concept of unisex showering before adjourning for further refreshments! The seventies eh? Numbers attending badminton increased dramatically during this period, but when the renovation work was completed after a couple of months, attendance slumped back to its normal unexceptional level.”
I then received some notes from the other side, as it were. Nicky Bowes sent me the following:
“I play both women’s cricket and for a mixed team, although invariably I am the only female in the team. The mixed team I play for is the Barmy Army (who from previous musings Dad has shown me, you’re not a keen exponent of, but given another opportunity I’m sure I could change your opinion of us). I always have to change in the ladies toilet and if I need a shower it’s always after all the men are finished and I can find someone to keep guard for me! To be fair, I don’t usually have to buy a drink in the bar afterwards though!
One match we played I opened the batting with my then boyfriend against the equivalent Australian Barmy Army, the Fanatics. I got hit in the ribs by a wayward bouncer and 2 or 3 of the fielders rushed up to help ‘rub it better’ which drew snarls from my boyfriend at the other end. Frequently the opposition find it very frustrating if they can’t get me out as it’s a slight on their ability not to mention masculinity.”
Any further contributions on this fascinating topic will be most welcome
Red Mist Matters
I was fortunate enough to be at Headingley for the fifth one day international between England and Sri Lanka as the guest of Yorkshire Bank. I got there nice and early and was in my seat by 9.30am. I had had to run the gauntlet of the girls in their various guises after getting through security and if it wasn’t for the accents they could have been the same bunch that I had encountered at Lords.
The England team were playing their silly handball games whilst the Sri Lankans were doing intense fielding practice. Then England started doing fielding practice with KP taking swirling catches and racing around in front of me. He then padded up and had a net. The loudspeaker then announced that England were as listed on the card and that excluded him. Which was all very strange? If he wasn’t fit why go through manoeuvres that could have caused more damage? If he was fit why didn’t he play?
I was square on to the wicket but opposite the replay screen and Vaas bowled beautifully going past Banger’s outside edge with late away swing repeatedly. Neither he nor Cook could get a touch and after five overs they managed just 7 between them. They both played some good shots but had only got 82 from 17 overs when Cook holed out. Bell then blocked for over ten overs, which damaged England’s cause. No one seemed to know what would constitute a good score even in the normal course. I kept saying 320 for England to have a chance. I suspect that they thought that 321 was actually a good score but they had never dominated the bowling and managed this despite their very slow start.
We trooped downstairs and into an enormous windowless dining room. The food was excellent but as I finished my sweet play was resuming on the big screen. I seemed to be the only one watching as Ali conceded 9 from the first over and Bresnan 18 from the second to Jayasuriya and Tharanga. I sensed something special afoot and was excused from the table and went back to my seat upstairs. By the time the third over was complete the score was 46 and I suspect to all intents and purposes the game was over. The 50 came up after 22 balls and this was quickly followed by the 100 in 8 overs. Harmison and Ali put the brake on the next two overs since they only went for eight each.
The 150 came up in 12.1 overs and the 200 in 21 overs. It was Dalrymple who was almost entirely responsible for this relative slowing of the scoring. His first over, bowled as a singleton, had cost 14 but his remaining nine went for only 34 which was quite extraordinary given the carnage being meted out at the other end. The target of 321 was reached in the 38th over. At one stage they were on for over 600 in fifty overs, even at the end the rate was enough to have overhauled the South Africans 438 at the Wanderers in February.
All this magnificent batting was watched by less than half of the full house that had watched England bat in the morning. Many had gone off into pubs in Leeds to watch the England football match and the rest were in downstairs rooms at the ground. It served them right to have missed it.
Ray’s Eight
I obviously went too far last month and have now received the following letter from Peter Ray’s solicitors
From: Messrs Pessary, Dangling, Emrod & Fungal, Solicitors.
Sirs,
We are writing on behalf of our client, Mr Peter F. Ray, whom you have libelled grossly in the recent issue of your electronic magazine, Goolies. In it you imply that our client is an umpire of doubtful quality, lacking impartiality, of impaired function and moving swiftly into a state of advanced senile decay. Our client refutes all these statements, as do we, having received part of our fee upfront.
Our client believes that these gross libels originate in the first Middlesex League Premiership match umpired by him in which Stanmore were at home to Eastcote. Our client informs us that the Stanmore pitch had been under water on the previous Monday and that, bowling from the pavilion end where, historically, the bounce has always been somewhat low, the bounce was, on this occasion, even lower.
We are instructed that a Mr Patel, a man of slight build and of just below average height, bowled for Southgate at the pavilion end - that at which our client was standing - and, getting in close to the stumps with the exception of two deliveries only, and bowling with an arm slightly off-vertical, proceeded to pitch the majority of his deliveries on, or only just outside off stump. Although some tended to move moved away off the seam, a large proportion of these deliveries moved back into the batsman. Our client avers that when, as happened on at least four occasions, the batsman failed to play such delivery he had little option, the law being what it is at present, but to give the batman out LBW. Indeed, our client goes further and states that even under the LBW law prior to 1937 (about which we understand you may have some knowledge) these batsmen would have been adjudged to be out.
When Eastcote batted, the opening bowler at our client's end, was one Mr Maharoof who, our client informs us, has recently been taking part in the ritual humiliation of the England Team or, as we are required to refer to them for reasons beyond our understanding or indeed our remit, Team England, by the Sri Lankans. He bowled also quite close to the stumps, at a briskish pace, and straight to a very full length. Again, on at least four occasions the batsman played but missed, and was hit on the pad or boot. Our instructions are that our client determined that the conditions of both the old and the new LBW law were satisfied on four occasions and he took the requisite action.
Our client asserts that in the Stanmore bar after the match, with one exception, no player disputed the decisions given by him. The exception was one Mr Umesh Valji, a gentleman who suffers the misfortune of being profoundly deaf. In consequence, he speaks - if that is the correct term - silently, moving his lips as in films made before the release of The Jazz Singer. Approaching our client, Mr Valji mimed, "You know my LBW?" Our client nodded his assent. Mr Valji then mimed, "I got a faint edge onto my pad." Our client does not question the integrity of Mr Valji nor his sincerity but our client has instructed us that, from time to time, he did take the odd wicket and score the odd run and therefore, to use his own words but with appropriate deletions, he should know what the xxxx might be xxxxxxx out or not, and whether the xxxxxx had hit the xxxxxxx thing.
Our client, a man with deeper sensitivities than might be guessed at, has been deeply wounded by these appalling and totally unjustified libels. However, he is neither a malicious nor an avaricious man. He states that a simple apology would satisfy him, particularly if that apology were to be accompanied by a small donation to the Shepherd's Bush CC. We await your further advices.
Yours faithfully
I. M. Sleightly-Dangling
for
Messrs Pessary, Emrod, Dangling & Fungal.
Pugsley Matters
All Googlies readers will wish Bob Proctor a full and speedy recovery from his recent illness.
Strange Elevens
I seem to be on a roll with the recent Strange Elevens. When the Great Jack Morgan sent me last months Jazz Hat Boys I replied: “I think that I know the answer or something close for the Vic Wilson side. It is to do with either being selected for only one overseas tour or only going on one overseas tour, or going on a tour but not playing in a test match. Either that or they all like Marmite. “
The Great Jack Morgan replied: “Great guess about the Marmite eaters: how did you know? But one of your other guesses was almost spot on: they have all toured with the England Test team, but have never played in a Test.” He then came up with this bunch of multi coloured millinery wearers:
Grahame Clinton
Kim Barnett
Iain Sutcliffe
John Crawley
Steve Titchard
David Nash (w/k)
Jeremy Snape
John Shepherd
Alex Wharf
Tony Lock
Neil Killeen
All you have to do is decide what they have in common.
Football Matters I was hoping to bring you an update on Andrew Baker’s new role as Manager of Kelvin West’s local soccer side. However, Andrew has proved extremely difficult to contact and all I get back is messages saying that he is “tied up”, “giving one on one coaching sessions”, “the team are exercising behind closed doors” etc. As soon as I hear anything from the man himself I will pass it on.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
7"> However, we tracked down a club that has had honourable mentions in this chronicle, and so she is now a Teddington member, benefiting from the advice of real coaching, and not just Grandfather and (occasionally) Dad. But it did not take Touche Ross - or whoever they are today - to calculate that it has cost the better part of five hundred pounds to kit her out, send her to Lord’s, pay her club sub, etc. Is this still, sadly, a reason why the Summer Game struggles against that other 11-a-side pastime, where all you basically need is a football?
Ashes Matters and another Crawshay Offer Dick Crawshay vents his spleen over the ticketing arrangements for this winter’s activities and makes you all another generous offer
Well the Ashes series has started in earnest with the Australian side showing severe cracks in their armoury. The ticketing arrangements were a scandal. They simply learnt nothing form the Olympic experience, where the ticketing problems resulted in an official apology form the Government Minister in charge. Thankfully the games didn’t suffer the same fate.
The planning for the ticket allocation for the Ashes series seemed sensible. Set up a site for the keen supporters, calling them ‘The Cricket Family’. Send them emails telling them how special they are and how easy it will be to get tickets. Keep up the excitement with a countdown on days to go- and get ready to order. Give them a personal access code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
Googlies Volume 2 now available
I have now published the second twenty editions of Googlies & Chinamen in hardback form. Both volumes are available from www.lulu.com or if you prefer from me at the contact details below.
Earlier Editions I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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