GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 213
September 2020
ODI’s
It wasn’t the Captain’s fault. He was surrounded by morons. Every time one of the senior players tried to stop a quick single they threw past the stumps and buzzers ensued. But his Best Friend told him not to sack them as they would be even more beholden to him if they stayed. Instead they should fire the heads of the ground and admin support staff. A good example was Gavin Williamson, the Colt’s manager, who picked his teams based on a system which favoured which schools the boys had attended rather than how they performed in matches. Once this strategy was revealed he was forced to change his selection policy even though his teams had already been picked. As a result, the chief scorer was fired, not Williamson.
The R number is the number of runs scored per ball bowled. So, if the average is 1 run per ball bowled then the R rate is 1. The captain had based his whole policy on the R number. He had explained to everyone that, based on the advice of the senior bowlers, once the R number was reduced to .7 or below then the fielding restrictions could be relaxed. However, the Club Treasurer, Rishi Sunak, explained to him that he had spent so much of the club’s money in trying to keep the captain popular that the fielding restrictions needed to be relaxed even though the R number was only about .9.
Many of the fielders, who had been spooked by the earlier proclamations and strictures, were extremely reluctant to spread out and stayed in little huddles in the inner ring. The Captain implored them to use the train to travel to away matches and buy their lunch and tea from retail outlets but they just stayed in the inner ring complaining that circumstances were no different from when he told them that they had to stay in close.
Rishi Sunak had become the most popular man in the club when he was disbursing club funds to all and sundry as if bowling for a declaration. But his position started to look in jeopardy when it became obvious to all that when the season was over there would have to be a significant rise in annual subs and match fees to fund it.
Confusion reigned everywhere. Were the slips supposed to be 6 feet or 3 feet apart and did it make a difference whether they were wearing a box or not? The bar was open after the match but how did you go about getting a drink? Matches weren’t allowed in Leicester or Manchester but the R number was worse in parts of London. You could go to watch club cricket but not county or test matches. You were required to wear pads in the nets but not in colts matches. And so on.
The press pointed out that when the captain had been elected at the AGM last year he had stood on the pavilion steps and proclaimed that the “Buck stops here”. He replied that everyone must understand that he accepts absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for the consequences of his actions. He went on to sing several verses of “Land of Hope & Glory” claiming that it made him feel good and that there should be an end to the self-recrimination and wetness brought on by the “All wickets count” brigade.
In and Within with the Professor
Words, as we all know, are mutable. In the mouths of cricket commentators, they seem to adopt entirely new meanings which are not, I think, always an improvement. Take “average” for example. This now seems to be a synonym for “poor”. “That was a pretty average piece of fielding” now means that the ball went through the fielder’s legs and over the boundary. Does this make any sense? Presumably a “pretty average” examination result would actually be below average. So what would an average result be? Good?
Or take one of Nasser’s favourite neologisms: “grab”. No one catches a ball anymore, they grab it. A fine catch is a “good grab”. But catching and grabbing are two quite distinct things. Where does this silliness come from...is it baseball? Presumably a “pretty average grab” means you’ve dropped it. Yes, I know the commentators have a job to do...but really.
Another form of mutation comes with the word “technology”. In cricket, and I guess many other sports, this now means computer technology. Indeed, with the definite article, “The Technology”, only means one thing...we are “going upstairs”. Ye gods.
I imagine most of us are fans of The Technology in that it corrects the decisions of umpires (Michael Gough excepted, of course) and surely having a machine call no balls is better than reliance on David Shepherd, et al. It also, of course, speeds up the use of The Technology. Might it also, parenthetically, be used to stop the backing-up batsman leaving his crease well before the bowler is into his delivery stride? They all do it, but Shadab gave a particularly egregious display in the tip-and-run session in the first Test. The commentators praised the quick singles, but quick singles are not too hard if you are five yards down the track when the ball is played. If that is not unfair play, what is? Why not call these “dead balls”? Were the batsman to slog the ball for six, a “dead ball” call might stop the practice quite quickly.
But there were other technologies on display this month - especially the technology employed in removing, or failing to remove, the water from the playing surface. There appear to have been few developments in this form of technology for some time. Oh I know that the hover- covers look very hi-tech and they are excellent at keeping the pitch dry, but they have been around now for a generation or more. The issue is what these covers do with the rainfall and the answer, as we all know, is dump it on the outfield which then becomes unplayable. Why? Why can’t someone come up with a water technology that gets rid of the stuff down the drain. I guess it’s too simplistic to say have longer pipes attached to the covers - I suppose the water would just back-up. If the pipes, as at Lord’s, had to run “uphill”, that clearly wouldn’t work, although many squares are a little proud of the outfield. But how about a pump on each pipe? There must be some “technology” out there that could prevent the umpires stopping the game so much. And, since we are at it, how about stronger light bulbs in the “lights”? I found it very hard, a few years back, to explain to an American colleague that the players had gone off for bad light when the lights came on.
Surely, we should have had more cricket than we did. We would all have loved to see Crawley batting more than he did: Pope, Babar and Root as well, for that matter. It would have been good too to see Archer bowl fast - we all know he can, he just doesn’t seem to choose to. I was also pleased for Woakes in the first Test – the “always the bridesmaid” role must be tough. The other player to emerge from the August matches, reputation greatly enhanced (apart from the now beatified Jimmy) is Buttler. We know he drops the ball quite often (average grabbing) but his batting must have secured the ‘keeping spot for some time to come.
There has been much to enjoy in the international matches and it’s good to see that the counties are televising some of their matches as well. Indeed the technology is spreading – I can now watch a live-feed of my Club’s matches via a camera on the pavilion roof. It is a fixed shot and there isn’t – thank God – a commentary. I can imagine a few members who might fancy themselves as a Johnners or Aggers, or even possibly Nasser. If they did, I only hope they would make up their own words.
This & That
After a month of county cricket I can’t remember whether they are allowing anyone in to watch. At first they were going to but then I think they put a stop on it. It could be that we are in a situation where club cricket attracts more spectators than first class cricket.
What have we learned from the cricket that has been played? Well the obvious thing is that Murtagh and Stevens are the standout bowlers which begs serious questions about the quality of the pitches and /or the techniques of the batsmen. However, the unlikely man at the top of the bowling averages is Sam Robson who unleashed his leg breaks at the Oval to produce a return of 2 for 0 and a Middlesex win and he hasn’t bowled since.
In Kent’s game against Sussex Jordan Cox and Jack Leaning added an unbroken 423 for the second wicket with Cox scoring 238 not out and Leaning 220 not out. Their partnership beat the best for any wicket in Kent history. Cox celebrated by leaving his bubble (whatever that is) and was dropped for the next game.
I thought that Lancashire were going to play at Blackpool but they started off at New Road, Worcester where they set Leicestershire 150 in 17 overs to win. There was a time when this would have been a daunting if not impossible fourth innings chase but Leicestershire won comfortably with Ackerman scoring 73 from 41 balls and Deardon chipping in with three sixes.
Ex- Middlesex men seem to be captains wherever they go. Ned Eckersley was at Durham, Andrew Balbirnie – Ireland, Billy Godleman at Derbyshire and now Adam Rossington at Northants. Look out for Malan taking over at Yorkshire, Fuller at Hampshire, Higgins at Gloucester and Davey at Somerset.
Northants have always favoured the meat pie boys and their T20 opening pair must be the heaviest in the short history of the tournament. This season Paul Stirling joins Richard Levi at the top of the order.
In the county championship Warwickshire failed to take a wicket all day as their game with Northamptonshire ended in a draw. Northants were 148-5 just after lunch on day three trailing by 227 on first innings. But they recovered to 317-6 by the close with a 159-run stand between Charlie Thurston and Adam Rossington. Rossington and Luke Procter then batted the whole of the final day to make centuries. Rossington, 60 not out overnight, dug in even further to finish on 135 off 399 balls, having batted for eight hours and 17 minutes, while Procter finished on 112.
Two of England’s most talented batsmen, Billings and Pope injured their shoulders in fielding practice in 2019 and were out of action for several months. There is something wrong with a system that facilitates this. Now Pope has done the same thing again and will be about for at least four months during which time he will have shoulder surgery. Our top players play little enough cricket and few of them will score 1000 runs during a calendar year let alone a season. It must be time to temper their training activities to ensure that their on-field time is maximised.
Few T20 games so far have avoided the weather problems but Phil Salt impressed at the Oval taking 28 off a James Taylor over, scoring boundaries off every ball before the rain arrived.
Glamorgan recovered from 60 for 8 to 261 in their second innings to set Northamptonshire 189 to win. Marchant de Lange scored the fastest first-class century for Glamorgan in only 62 balls as he made a career-best 113 with six fours and nine sixes. He and Dan Douthwaite, who began the revival and struck three sixes of his own in making his highest score for Glamorgan, shared a ninth-wicket record partnership for Glamorgan against Northamptonshire of 168 in only 118 balls. This was after their record tenth-wicket stand was made in the first innings.
At the Riverside Notts breezed past Durham but not due to a Hales blast but rather one from Joe Clarke who made 100 not out from just 44 balls.
In the first game at Lord’s this season and Middlesex ultimately seem to have done well to restrict Kent to just 2 from the final four balls to secure a tie. Tom Helm was the bowler. He often seems to get national recognition in various squads but has done little for Middlesex.
Morgan Matters
The Great man finishes with an unexpected twist
Stevie Eskinazi is to skipper Middlesex. I do not know if this is just for the match at the Oval or whether this an "appointment" for some duration. It is not a surprise appointment as he took over from Malan at the end of last season, but I am worried that he will not be worth his place in the side as he averaged 19.19 in the Championship last season and fitted in between George Scott and Nathan Sowter in the averages!
English cricket is gearing up for redundancies and severe cost-cutting measures following a forecast loss of up to £182m owing to the pandemic.
England have won by 3 wickets: Buttler 75 off 101 with 7 fours and a six, Woakes 84* off 120 with 10 fours. I suppose Buttler will have to stay now, but perhaps we can find someone else to keep wicket? How about Burns or Pope, both used to keep in their early days at Surrey. This was only the 7th time that England have managed a hundred partnership in the fourth innings of a Test. Broad became the first England bowler since G Swann in 2009 to take 3 or more wickets in 6 consecutive innings.
Is it not ridiculous that C Broad is acting as match referee for all 6 England Tests this summer, when he might be called upon to discipline his son for some misdemeanour? Of course, and now it has happened and C Broad has decided that his son deserves a fine of "around £2,000 for giving Pak's Yasir Shah a send-off during the Test"... did he add "but I'll help you out if you are short, son... what are family for?"
Tom Lace signed a new deal with Middlesex in December, but they have now released him (he did not score a run between December and August!) and he has signed for Gloucs so our weak squad is now even weaker! He averaged 43.33 for Derbys last season, which cannot, of course, compare with Esky's 19.19!
"English rugby is back" and Quins enjoyed themselves at the Stoop by beating second placed Sale 16-10... I was pleasantly surprised. The G has a photo of all 15 Quins "taking a knee" (because black lives matter, you know), but only four Sale players did so... probably why they lost, I suppose?
The Cricketer, Summer 2020 issue: there is a full-page photo of N Gubbins on page 6 as he was the leading run-scorer in the BWT first round with 192 and 60 v Sy at the Oval. The G's Barney Ronay has a page on A Hales who he says is the victim of "pious moralising which he blames on Eoin". M Selvey's article this month is all about the sad story of Richard "Wes" Stewart (about whom you might remember I had a letter published in the Guardian a while ago), but the accompanying photo of the 1968 Middlesex team interested me most because it included not only Wes, but Terry Cordaroy (standing next to Wes in the back row), whom I had (almost) forgotten played for Middlesex in 1968 in 2 Championship matches (making 81, 0 and 23); others in the picture were: Harry Latchman, Bob Herman, Mike Harris, John Price, Clive Radley, Ron Hooker, John Murray, Fred Titmus, Peter Parfitt and Eric Russell. Mike says that "Wes took 131 first class wickets at 23.91, a healthy return, yet lost his Middlesex contract for reasons never fully explained"... it was not because racist Titmus was in charge was it? No, it was Parfitt in charge in Wes's last (less successful) season in '68 was it not and could he have been a worse racist than Titmus? Cordaroy would know, wouldn't he?
Tim Murtagh (39) gets a mention among a bunch of elderly bowlers currently opening the bowling in county cricket, the others are: Graham Wagg (37), Darren Stevens (44), Peter Trego (39), Rikki Clarke (38) and Mitch Claydon (37). There is a long article on Sam Robson (and three photos of him) by Simon Hughes and Sam tells us that his twin goals are a Test recall and another title for Middlesex... little chance of either I'm afraid, Sam. There is plenty, deservedly, on C Broad who also gets 10 out of 10 for his performance in the 3rd Test v WI at OT in which he took 6-31, 4-36 and made 62 off 45 balls... promising lad! Also praised are ex-Middlesex men Paul Stirling (142) and A Balbirnie (113) who excelled for Ireland v England in the 3rd ODI at the Bowl, which Ireland won by 7 wkts (but lost the series 2-1).
M Atherton's son, who is strangely called Josh de Caires, is a product of the Middlesex academy and is still at university, has signed a three year deal with Middlesex.
Ali Martin expects a new set of centrally contracted players to be named soon and he thinks Sibley, Crawley and Pope will be included, but Bairstow will not. He is mystified (me too) as to why D Bess (8 wickets at 55.5) played in every one of the recent matches while J Leach played in none.
D Bess is leaving Somerset at the end of the season, J Leach will be pleased. The rumour is that Dom is heading for Yorkshire (where he has played on loan), who have been weak in the spin dept in recent times.
I do not think I have ever seen a complete T20 match before, but I enjoyed it a lot. England won the toss and asked Pak to bat first and they seemed to do pretty well making 195-4 in their 20 overs (Hafeez 69, Babar 56, Rashid 2-32), but England were always in with a good chance and ended up almost strolling it as Banton (20) and Bairstow (44) put on 66 for the first wicket and then Eoin (66 off 33 with 4 sixes) took charge and he shared an excellent third wicket stand of 112 with Dawid (54* off 36) and DM was still there at the end as England won in comfort by 5 wickets with 5 balls unused.
Covid Matters
Douglas Miller sent me this
For those of us who feared there might be no cricket this summer there has been the compensation of some wonderful Tests and, late in the day, some absorbing county games. For these initiatives the ECB are to be congratulated, and the enforced exclusion of all spectators from the first-class game has no doubt helped boost attendances at club matches, where the most modest of encounters can attract three-figure crowds.
It is with this recreational sector that one is less certain that the authorities have made sensible judgements. Recovering from a start when an under-briefed prime minister had described the ball as an unacceptable lethal vector, club games were allowed to begin in mid-July with a range of provisions both sensible and bizarre. Clubs seemed quick to embrace, if much slower to police, the precautions widely adopted by retailers and eating establishments across the country. Sectors of pavilions were closed down, clearly marked one-way systems for using the loo were indicated – with notices that only one person should be inside at a time. With most clubs it has even been possible to join a socially distanced queue to get a drink at the bar. Having to take it outside has presented no great problem with the prevailing good weather.
Players, generally denied access to changing rooms, are expected to arrive changed and to bring their own tea and drink. As they congregate in their designated areas they are required to maintain social distancing. Where golf has been reluctant to allow fourball play, getting eleven members of a team to keep their distance is an Herculean challenge. From the vantage point of an umpire I have had to point out to members of one wandering side that greeting team-mates with a conventional handshake (the first I had seen since March) had now become a Level 3 offence or, in lay terms, ten overs off the field. The ECB wording is plain enough: ‘A player intentionally moving within 1 metre of anyone else for non-cricketing purposes will be treated as a Level 3 offence.’
This is just one of the provisions emanating from the ECB in its mission to provide the recreational game with a playing code that can convince the politicians and their advisors that cricket is a game that can be played safely. For the suits at the ECB it has been a field day, a chance to legislate as never before. The principal documents they have produced lack little in verbosity. One is designed for clubs with another specifically directed to umpires and scorers. Both are described as guidance. This word is important. The limitation on how many overs a junior may bowl is a directive with no room to wriggle, but guidance, I was later to learn, means that the provisions may be applied as appropriate for a particular league or competition, and there was a place for that precious commodity common sense. Fair enough, but the listed provisions are still a mixture of what must happen and what should happen.
League cricket’s governing bodies were required quickly to amend their playing rules. Reducing the number of overs to be played and acknowledging that normal penalties for slow over rates would be inappropriate were basic measures, but my own league’s principal preoccupation seemed to be the protection of its own backside. If they were to be sued by a player unfortunate enough to catch the virus, the committee clearly did not want to risk a few days in court. Less attention was paid to the minutiae of the ECB’s provisions.
The main new on-field requirements in playing recreational cricket may be summarised:
neither sweat nor saliva may be applied to the ball;
the ball must go directly back to the bowler, no passing it round the field;
the umpires must never touch the ball;
the players must never touch the stumps or bails;
when the umpires do so, they must sanitise afterwards;
umpires may not take caps or sweaters from players;
umpires may not carry bowlers’ markers or cloths for players to dry the ball;
a sanitisation break must take place every six overs or twenty minutes, whichever is the shorter;
at the break all players must sanitise their hands and the captain must disinfect the ball;
spectators may not return the ball from the boundary; if they do so, it must be sanitised;
a line, usually dotted, must be marked two metres from the edge of the pitch, thereby creating three separate ‘lanes’ to keep the runners apart and clear of fielders.
To elaborate on this final provision, the non-striker should always be two metres from the pitch, the bowler will be following through in the normal way on the other side of the pitch. The tricky bit is where the striker goes. He is to avoid the possibility of contact with the bowler. Hence he runs down the same side as his partner making use of the two metre gap in sticking to the edge of the pitch.
There are some clear differences from Test cricket, where sweat may be applied to the ball and, though Test players may not hand caps etc. to the umpire, it seems acceptable for such equipment to be passed to another team member. In the recreational game a commonly agreed practice is for caps to be placed behind where the bowler starts his run up – with the need to be clear before it happens whether a ball touching the equipment carries a penalty. In Test cricket there are no sanitisation breaks and, crucially, no special running lanes.
In my view the notion of a distinction between 20 minutes and six overs, which ought to take very little more than 20 minutes, is pedantic idiocy. And this is how it seems to be treated by umpires who widely opt for a common sense approach of having a break every six overs and taking advantage of any timely fall of a wicket. These breaks take little time if sanitisation bottles are kept behind the stumps.
Where the game has threatened to descend into chaos is in the batsmen’s running. In normal times where a batsman runs is seldom a matter of concern unless he fails to steer clear of the centre of the pitch. But which side does the striker usually run? On the whole he will tend to favour the opposite side from his partner, especially in the conventional context of a right-hand batsman facing a right-arm over the wicket bowler. This is probably what he will have been taught to do by those who coached him in his youth. Observation also suggests that the tendency to run in this direction is the greater when playing a ball into the off side. In other words, the batsman will typically and instinctively run on the same side as the bowler has followed through – precisely what the ECB provisions have sought to avoid.
The new requirements may be looked upon as akin to an instruction to drive on the right in the UK. Behavioural scientists are hardly needed to appreciate the problem of asking cricketers to amend deeply ingrained instincts. But the ECB code makes clear that running in the wrong lane is an offence which, after due warning, may be penalised with the award of five penalty runs. Umpires’ early experience with this provision varied. The lucky ones were spared the complication of bowlers suddenly trying a few balls round the wicket. The lucky ones may also have had long stands between bright young batsmen who could adjust to a different world. Perhaps some simply didn’t really notice what was going on or didn’t care. After one internal practice match without problems my first league match confronted me with a very different challenge. A couple of mature batsmen had the greatest difficulty in remembering to run in the lane that took them away from the bowler. It was all very friendly with repeated apologies, but for how long could it go on? What might Boris have thought had he heard of batsmen straying from the straight and narrow?
In the 35th over of a 40-over innings I gave an official warning that five penalty runs would be awarded on the next occasion. This, I had misguidedly reckoned, would stop it – with other offences such warnings usually do. How wrong I was! Nevertheless, I now believed, the actual award would bring the batsmen to their senses. Not so. So what does the umpire do next? I had set off down a path and felt there was no turning back. Frankly my mind was becoming scrambled. There was a further instance as a straight drive whistled far above my head. ‘Dead ball’ I called with the batsman halfway up the wrong side of the pitch. But the ball had gone for six, I was informed – and I could see that for myself. ‘But our fielder would have caught it if you hadn’t shouted,’ the fielding side protested. There was anger in all directions as new batsmen arrived at the crease with the prospect of more five-run penalties still hanging over the team. Another question now posed itself: after all the early innings leniency how was the side batting second to be treated?
A hero arose from the chaos. The fielding side captain suggested a total amnesty and this was agreed. So whom had I served? Not the game, not the league, certainly not the ECB and, with the whole game being conducted in a manner that flew in the face of the carefully agreed provisions designed to keep the game safe, I had hardly served the government cause to the bitter end.
A report of my experience was fed into an informal nationwide enquiry about what had happened in other leagues. A match in Derbyshire had seen seven penalties awarded. Rather to my surprise I was told that this had mainly involved juniors. My own experience in my problem match and subsequently has been that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks and it has been batsmen of 35 plus who are having the greatest difficulty in coping with the need to ‘drive on the right’. As one man put it to me, it was not going to be worth his while batting as every single might end up as minus five. This was no cheap crack – he meant it. In the same vein I had pointed out to a batsman that he could retire if he felt he was costing his side too many runs.
There was, I felt, no sensible solution to the problem. However, I welcomed a policy statement to which I could give the gold award for biggest fudge of the season. It read, with emboldening as shown: ‘It is assumed that the Striking Batter will run the same line that he did in previous seasons with instruction that this should normally be on the opposite side to the Bowler. It is the Striking Batters’ responsibility to avoid the Bowler.’
The ECB’s provisions have gone out of the window with nothing salvaged bar the wider lane down which the non-striker runs, typically to no useful purpose. So how hard does one now try to get players to run away from the bowler? I guess many umpires will have given up on what I see as a lost cause.
In conclusion recreational cricketers are fortunate to be permitted to play. Their games are not marked by the kind of discipline one sees on a golf course or even in the queue at KFC. There may be good intentions, but basic regulations are flouted in and around pavilions and out on the field. If the game is returned to the list of banned activities, as should perhaps happen, the players will have only themselves to blame.
No Ball Matters
The Professor sent me this
I've been talking to Douglas about the no-ball law. No, I have no idea why, either.
You will, of course, know that the MCC Laws and the ICC Regs are different in respect to the "No ball - feet" stipulations. Specifically, the wording is identical but the order of the words is different. Actually, it is only the position of one word that is different. The word is "not".
A fair delivery requires the bowler's feet to be in the right place as specified by both codes but a no-ball can be called in the Laws if "the bowler's umpire is not satisfied" that they are, whereas, in the Regs if "the bowler's umpire is satisfied that they are not" where they should be.
So that clears that up…
Ged Matters
Ian Harris (Ged) writes
Some say that the second day of the July Lord’s Test is the hottest cricket ticket of the year. I’m not 100 per cent sure about that, but I am 100 per cent sure that July 18 was forecast to be the hottest day of 2014 – and so it turned out.
I was running a little late, so I decided to cab it to Lord’s with my picnic (Shanks’s pony or cab being the only sensible options for Lord’s from my flat) in a vain attempt to get to Lord’s ahead of the crush at the North Gate.
I got to my seat with about five minutes to spare, but had already received a text from my friend, Iain Spellright, that he would be a few minutes late.
Iain and I have worked together on and off since the late 1980s. When we ended up sitting in a business meeting again in 2011, I mentioned that this meant we had worked together across four decades. This made us both feel ancient as hell, which we aren’t really.
It was already pretty hot by the time Iain arrived.
“It’s a scorcher,” I said. “Not sure I’d have chosen the Upper Compton for these conditions – seemed like a good idea in November.”
“Yup, not sure I’ll manage a whole day in the sun – let’s see how it goes,” said Iain, who is a rather fair, pale-skinned fellow.
At least my olive skin doesn’t burn, even if my blood is boiling.
“Trouble with the train?” I asked, wondering why the normally prompt Iain had arrived later than usual.
“No, trouble with the brain – I got halfway to the station, then realised that I had come out without my ticket.”
We decided to go easy on the wine given the intense heat, making my rather fruity bottle of Kiwi Riesling go a long way – even with the smoked salmon bagels and then, early in the second session of play, Hanoi-style bánh mì sandwiches my cricket picnic dish of the season, but new to Iain Spellright.
The combination of wine, sandwiches and the hottest part of the day made both of us feel the need for some respite from the sun. In any case, I needed to pop around to the Middlesex Shop to collect some tickets for Scarborough, so we agreed to take separate strolls and return to the seats when we felt ready.
On the way back to the seats, I ran into Uncail Marcas and one of his cricket-mad sons, who was absolutely thrilled because he’d just had his photo taken with Big Bob Willis. I admired the photo and related my “meeting Bob Willis” stories to a rapt audience.
Given my chance encounter, I thought Iain might beat me back to the seats, but none of it – indeed as tea approached Iain had still not returned, but by around 3.20pm the sun had conveniently moved to allow the Grandstand to throw a shadow over our seats, as we were at that end of the Upper Compton. The shade and a slight breeze made the afternoon much more bearable. I texted Iain Spellright to inform him of the good news re the shade.
Just before tea, the nice gentlemen sitting next to me asked me if I wanted anything brought back at teatime.
“If you find my mate, that would be nice,” I said. “I hope he is OK, he’s been gone a long while.”
But more or less as I spoke, Iain reappeared and explained that he had taken some lengthy respite from the heat and had been drinking icy soft drinks in the shade while watching the match on a TV screen.
“Oh great, it’s shady here now,” he said.
“I texted you that news about 15-20 minutes ago. Didn’t you see the text?” I queried.
“No… In fact I still haven’t received it,” said Iain, checking his gizmo.
After stumps, I walked home with my near-empty picnic, the evening temperature being really quite pleasant and the opportunity to stretch my legs too good to miss. Around 9pm I received a text from Iain: “Thanks for a great day. Btw, your text about the shade has just arrived.”
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 213
September 2020
ODI’s
It wasn’t the Captain’s fault. He was surrounded by morons. Every time one of the senior players tried to stop a quick single they threw past the stumps and buzzers ensued. But his Best Friend told him not to sack them as they would be even more beholden to him if they stayed. Instead they should fire the heads of the ground and admin support staff. A good example was Gavin Williamson, the Colt’s manager, who picked his teams based on a system which favoured which schools the boys had attended rather than how they performed in matches. Once this strategy was revealed he was forced to change his selection policy even though his teams had already been picked. As a result, the chief scorer was fired, not Williamson.
The R number is the number of runs scored per ball bowled. So, if the average is 1 run per ball bowled then the R rate is 1. The captain had based his whole policy on the R number. He had explained to everyone that, based on the advice of the senior bowlers, once the R number was reduced to .7 or below then the fielding restrictions could be relaxed. However, the Club Treasurer, Rishi Sunak, explained to him that he had spent so much of the club’s money in trying to keep the captain popular that the fielding restrictions needed to be relaxed even though the R number was only about .9.
Many of the fielders, who had been spooked by the earlier proclamations and strictures, were extremely reluctant to spread out and stayed in little huddles in the inner ring. The Captain implored them to use the train to travel to away matches and buy their lunch and tea from retail outlets but they just stayed in the inner ring complaining that circumstances were no different from when he told them that they had to stay in close.
Rishi Sunak had become the most popular man in the club when he was disbursing club funds to all and sundry as if bowling for a declaration. But his position started to look in jeopardy when it became obvious to all that when the season was over there would have to be a significant rise in annual subs and match fees to fund it.
Confusion reigned everywhere. Were the slips supposed to be 6 feet or 3 feet apart and did it make a difference whether they were wearing a box or not? The bar was open after the match but how did you go about getting a drink? Matches weren’t allowed in Leicester or Manchester but the R number was worse in parts of London. You could go to watch club cricket but not county or test matches. You were required to wear pads in the nets but not in colts matches. And so on.
The press pointed out that when the captain had been elected at the AGM last year he had stood on the pavilion steps and proclaimed that the “Buck stops here”. He replied that everyone must understand that he accepts absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for the consequences of his actions. He went on to sing several verses of “Land of Hope & Glory” claiming that it made him feel good and that there should be an end to the self-recrimination and wetness brought on by the “All wickets count” brigade.
In and Within with the Professor
Words, as we all know, are mutable. In the mouths of cricket commentators, they seem to adopt entirely new meanings which are not, I think, always an improvement. Take “average” for example. This now seems to be a synonym for “poor”. “That was a pretty average piece of fielding” now means that the ball went through the fielder’s legs and over the boundary. Does this make any sense? Presumably a “pretty average” examination result would actually be below average. So what would an average result be? Good?
Or take one of Nasser’s favourite neologisms: “grab”. No one catches a ball anymore, they grab it. A fine catch is a “good grab”. But catching and grabbing are two quite distinct things. Where does this silliness come from...is it baseball? Presumably a “pretty average grab” means you’ve dropped it. Yes, I know the commentators have a job to do...but really.
Another form of mutation comes with the word “technology”. In cricket, and I guess many other sports, this now means computer technology. Indeed, with the definite article, “The Technology”, only means one thing...we are “going upstairs”. Ye gods.
I imagine most of us are fans of The Technology in that it corrects the decisions of umpires (Michael Gough excepted, of course) and surely having a machine call no balls is better than reliance on David Shepherd, et al. It also, of course, speeds up the use of The Technology. Might it also, parenthetically, be used to stop the backing-up batsman leaving his crease well before the bowler is into his delivery stride? They all do it, but Shadab gave a particularly egregious display in the tip-and-run session in the first Test. The commentators praised the quick singles, but quick singles are not too hard if you are five yards down the track when the ball is played. If that is not unfair play, what is? Why not call these “dead balls”? Were the batsman to slog the ball for six, a “dead ball” call might stop the practice quite quickly.
But there were other technologies on display this month - especially the technology employed in removing, or failing to remove, the water from the playing surface. There appear to have been few developments in this form of technology for some time. Oh I know that the hover- covers look very hi-tech and they are excellent at keeping the pitch dry, but they have been around now for a generation or more. The issue is what these covers do with the rainfall and the answer, as we all know, is dump it on the outfield which then becomes unplayable. Why? Why can’t someone come up with a water technology that gets rid of the stuff down the drain. I guess it’s too simplistic to say have longer pipes attached to the covers - I suppose the water would just back-up. If the pipes, as at Lord’s, had to run “uphill”, that clearly wouldn’t work, although many squares are a little proud of the outfield. But how about a pump on each pipe? There must be some “technology” out there that could prevent the umpires stopping the game so much. And, since we are at it, how about stronger light bulbs in the “lights”? I found it very hard, a few years back, to explain to an American colleague that the players had gone off for bad light when the lights came on.
Surely, we should have had more cricket than we did. We would all have loved to see Crawley batting more than he did: Pope, Babar and Root as well, for that matter. It would have been good too to see Archer bowl fast - we all know he can, he just doesn’t seem to choose to. I was also pleased for Woakes in the first Test – the “always the bridesmaid” role must be tough. The other player to emerge from the August matches, reputation greatly enhanced (apart from the now beatified Jimmy) is Buttler. We know he drops the ball quite often (average grabbing) but his batting must have secured the ‘keeping spot for some time to come.
There has been much to enjoy in the international matches and it’s good to see that the counties are televising some of their matches as well. Indeed the technology is spreading – I can now watch a live-feed of my Club’s matches via a camera on the pavilion roof. It is a fixed shot and there isn’t – thank God – a commentary. I can imagine a few members who might fancy themselves as a Johnners or Aggers, or even possibly Nasser. If they did, I only hope they would make up their own words.
This & That
After a month of county cricket I can’t remember whether they are allowing anyone in to watch. At first they were going to but then I think they put a stop on it. It could be that we are in a situation where club cricket attracts more spectators than first class cricket.
What have we learned from the cricket that has been played? Well the obvious thing is that Murtagh and Stevens are the standout bowlers which begs serious questions about the quality of the pitches and /or the techniques of the batsmen. However, the unlikely man at the top of the bowling averages is Sam Robson who unleashed his leg breaks at the Oval to produce a return of 2 for 0 and a Middlesex win and he hasn’t bowled since.
In Kent’s game against Sussex Jordan Cox and Jack Leaning added an unbroken 423 for the second wicket with Cox scoring 238 not out and Leaning 220 not out. Their partnership beat the best for any wicket in Kent history. Cox celebrated by leaving his bubble (whatever that is) and was dropped for the next game.
I thought that Lancashire were going to play at Blackpool but they started off at New Road, Worcester where they set Leicestershire 150 in 17 overs to win. There was a time when this would have been a daunting if not impossible fourth innings chase but Leicestershire won comfortably with Ackerman scoring 73 from 41 balls and Deardon chipping in with three sixes.
Ex- Middlesex men seem to be captains wherever they go. Ned Eckersley was at Durham, Andrew Balbirnie – Ireland, Billy Godleman at Derbyshire and now Adam Rossington at Northants. Look out for Malan taking over at Yorkshire, Fuller at Hampshire, Higgins at Gloucester and Davey at Somerset.
Northants have always favoured the meat pie boys and their T20 opening pair must be the heaviest in the short history of the tournament. This season Paul Stirling joins Richard Levi at the top of the order.
In the county championship Warwickshire failed to take a wicket all day as their game with Northamptonshire ended in a draw. Northants were 148-5 just after lunch on day three trailing by 227 on first innings. But they recovered to 317-6 by the close with a 159-run stand between Charlie Thurston and Adam Rossington. Rossington and Luke Procter then batted the whole of the final day to make centuries. Rossington, 60 not out overnight, dug in even further to finish on 135 off 399 balls, having batted for eight hours and 17 minutes, while Procter finished on 112.
Two of England’s most talented batsmen, Billings and Pope injured their shoulders in fielding practice in 2019 and were out of action for several months. There is something wrong with a system that facilitates this. Now Pope has done the same thing again and will be about for at least four months during which time he will have shoulder surgery. Our top players play little enough cricket and few of them will score 1000 runs during a calendar year let alone a season. It must be time to temper their training activities to ensure that their on-field time is maximised.
Few T20 games so far have avoided the weather problems but Phil Salt impressed at the Oval taking 28 off a James Taylor over, scoring boundaries off every ball before the rain arrived.
Glamorgan recovered from 60 for 8 to 261 in their second innings to set Northamptonshire 189 to win. Marchant de Lange scored the fastest first-class century for Glamorgan in only 62 balls as he made a career-best 113 with six fours and nine sixes. He and Dan Douthwaite, who began the revival and struck three sixes of his own in making his highest score for Glamorgan, shared a ninth-wicket record partnership for Glamorgan against Northamptonshire of 168 in only 118 balls. This was after their record tenth-wicket stand was made in the first innings.
At the Riverside Notts breezed past Durham but not due to a Hales blast but rather one from Joe Clarke who made 100 not out from just 44 balls.
In the first game at Lord’s this season and Middlesex ultimately seem to have done well to restrict Kent to just 2 from the final four balls to secure a tie. Tom Helm was the bowler. He often seems to get national recognition in various squads but has done little for Middlesex.
Morgan Matters
The Great man finishes with an unexpected twist
Stevie Eskinazi is to skipper Middlesex. I do not know if this is just for the match at the Oval or whether this an "appointment" for some duration. It is not a surprise appointment as he took over from Malan at the end of last season, but I am worried that he will not be worth his place in the side as he averaged 19.19 in the Championship last season and fitted in between George Scott and Nathan Sowter in the averages!
English cricket is gearing up for redundancies and severe cost-cutting measures following a forecast loss of up to £182m owing to the pandemic.
England have won by 3 wickets: Buttler 75 off 101 with 7 fours and a six, Woakes 84* off 120 with 10 fours. I suppose Buttler will have to stay now, but perhaps we can find someone else to keep wicket? How about Burns or Pope, both used to keep in their early days at Surrey. This was only the 7th time that England have managed a hundred partnership in the fourth innings of a Test. Broad became the first England bowler since G Swann in 2009 to take 3 or more wickets in 6 consecutive innings.
Is it not ridiculous that C Broad is acting as match referee for all 6 England Tests this summer, when he might be called upon to discipline his son for some misdemeanour? Of course, and now it has happened and C Broad has decided that his son deserves a fine of "around £2,000 for giving Pak's Yasir Shah a send-off during the Test"... did he add "but I'll help you out if you are short, son... what are family for?"
Tom Lace signed a new deal with Middlesex in December, but they have now released him (he did not score a run between December and August!) and he has signed for Gloucs so our weak squad is now even weaker! He averaged 43.33 for Derbys last season, which cannot, of course, compare with Esky's 19.19!
"English rugby is back" and Quins enjoyed themselves at the Stoop by beating second placed Sale 16-10... I was pleasantly surprised. The G has a photo of all 15 Quins "taking a knee" (because black lives matter, you know), but only four Sale players did so... probably why they lost, I suppose?
The Cricketer, Summer 2020 issue: there is a full-page photo of N Gubbins on page 6 as he was the leading run-scorer in the BWT first round with 192 and 60 v Sy at the Oval. The G's Barney Ronay has a page on A Hales who he says is the victim of "pious moralising which he blames on Eoin". M Selvey's article this month is all about the sad story of Richard "Wes" Stewart (about whom you might remember I had a letter published in the Guardian a while ago), but the accompanying photo of the 1968 Middlesex team interested me most because it included not only Wes, but Terry Cordaroy (standing next to Wes in the back row), whom I had (almost) forgotten played for Middlesex in 1968 in 2 Championship matches (making 81, 0 and 23); others in the picture were: Harry Latchman, Bob Herman, Mike Harris, John Price, Clive Radley, Ron Hooker, John Murray, Fred Titmus, Peter Parfitt and Eric Russell. Mike says that "Wes took 131 first class wickets at 23.91, a healthy return, yet lost his Middlesex contract for reasons never fully explained"... it was not because racist Titmus was in charge was it? No, it was Parfitt in charge in Wes's last (less successful) season in '68 was it not and could he have been a worse racist than Titmus? Cordaroy would know, wouldn't he?
Tim Murtagh (39) gets a mention among a bunch of elderly bowlers currently opening the bowling in county cricket, the others are: Graham Wagg (37), Darren Stevens (44), Peter Trego (39), Rikki Clarke (38) and Mitch Claydon (37). There is a long article on Sam Robson (and three photos of him) by Simon Hughes and Sam tells us that his twin goals are a Test recall and another title for Middlesex... little chance of either I'm afraid, Sam. There is plenty, deservedly, on C Broad who also gets 10 out of 10 for his performance in the 3rd Test v WI at OT in which he took 6-31, 4-36 and made 62 off 45 balls... promising lad! Also praised are ex-Middlesex men Paul Stirling (142) and A Balbirnie (113) who excelled for Ireland v England in the 3rd ODI at the Bowl, which Ireland won by 7 wkts (but lost the series 2-1).
M Atherton's son, who is strangely called Josh de Caires, is a product of the Middlesex academy and is still at university, has signed a three year deal with Middlesex.
Ali Martin expects a new set of centrally contracted players to be named soon and he thinks Sibley, Crawley and Pope will be included, but Bairstow will not. He is mystified (me too) as to why D Bess (8 wickets at 55.5) played in every one of the recent matches while J Leach played in none.
D Bess is leaving Somerset at the end of the season, J Leach will be pleased. The rumour is that Dom is heading for Yorkshire (where he has played on loan), who have been weak in the spin dept in recent times.
I do not think I have ever seen a complete T20 match before, but I enjoyed it a lot. England won the toss and asked Pak to bat first and they seemed to do pretty well making 195-4 in their 20 overs (Hafeez 69, Babar 56, Rashid 2-32), but England were always in with a good chance and ended up almost strolling it as Banton (20) and Bairstow (44) put on 66 for the first wicket and then Eoin (66 off 33 with 4 sixes) took charge and he shared an excellent third wicket stand of 112 with Dawid (54* off 36) and DM was still there at the end as England won in comfort by 5 wickets with 5 balls unused.
Covid Matters
Douglas Miller sent me this
For those of us who feared there might be no cricket this summer there has been the compensation of some wonderful Tests and, late in the day, some absorbing county games. For these initiatives the ECB are to be congratulated, and the enforced exclusion of all spectators from the first-class game has no doubt helped boost attendances at club matches, where the most modest of encounters can attract three-figure crowds.
It is with this recreational sector that one is less certain that the authorities have made sensible judgements. Recovering from a start when an under-briefed prime minister had described the ball as an unacceptable lethal vector, club games were allowed to begin in mid-July with a range of provisions both sensible and bizarre. Clubs seemed quick to embrace, if much slower to police, the precautions widely adopted by retailers and eating establishments across the country. Sectors of pavilions were closed down, clearly marked one-way systems for using the loo were indicated – with notices that only one person should be inside at a time. With most clubs it has even been possible to join a socially distanced queue to get a drink at the bar. Having to take it outside has presented no great problem with the prevailing good weather.
Players, generally denied access to changing rooms, are expected to arrive changed and to bring their own tea and drink. As they congregate in their designated areas they are required to maintain social distancing. Where golf has been reluctant to allow fourball play, getting eleven members of a team to keep their distance is an Herculean challenge. From the vantage point of an umpire I have had to point out to members of one wandering side that greeting team-mates with a conventional handshake (the first I had seen since March) had now become a Level 3 offence or, in lay terms, ten overs off the field. The ECB wording is plain enough: ‘A player intentionally moving within 1 metre of anyone else for non-cricketing purposes will be treated as a Level 3 offence.’
This is just one of the provisions emanating from the ECB in its mission to provide the recreational game with a playing code that can convince the politicians and their advisors that cricket is a game that can be played safely. For the suits at the ECB it has been a field day, a chance to legislate as never before. The principal documents they have produced lack little in verbosity. One is designed for clubs with another specifically directed to umpires and scorers. Both are described as guidance. This word is important. The limitation on how many overs a junior may bowl is a directive with no room to wriggle, but guidance, I was later to learn, means that the provisions may be applied as appropriate for a particular league or competition, and there was a place for that precious commodity common sense. Fair enough, but the listed provisions are still a mixture of what must happen and what should happen.
League cricket’s governing bodies were required quickly to amend their playing rules. Reducing the number of overs to be played and acknowledging that normal penalties for slow over rates would be inappropriate were basic measures, but my own league’s principal preoccupation seemed to be the protection of its own backside. If they were to be sued by a player unfortunate enough to catch the virus, the committee clearly did not want to risk a few days in court. Less attention was paid to the minutiae of the ECB’s provisions.
The main new on-field requirements in playing recreational cricket may be summarised:
neither sweat nor saliva may be applied to the ball;
the ball must go directly back to the bowler, no passing it round the field;
the umpires must never touch the ball;
the players must never touch the stumps or bails;
when the umpires do so, they must sanitise afterwards;
umpires may not take caps or sweaters from players;
umpires may not carry bowlers’ markers or cloths for players to dry the ball;
a sanitisation break must take place every six overs or twenty minutes, whichever is the shorter;
at the break all players must sanitise their hands and the captain must disinfect the ball;
spectators may not return the ball from the boundary; if they do so, it must be sanitised;
a line, usually dotted, must be marked two metres from the edge of the pitch, thereby creating three separate ‘lanes’ to keep the runners apart and clear of fielders.
To elaborate on this final provision, the non-striker should always be two metres from the pitch, the bowler will be following through in the normal way on the other side of the pitch. The tricky bit is where the striker goes. He is to avoid the possibility of contact with the bowler. Hence he runs down the same side as his partner making use of the two metre gap in sticking to the edge of the pitch.
There are some clear differences from Test cricket, where sweat may be applied to the ball and, though Test players may not hand caps etc. to the umpire, it seems acceptable for such equipment to be passed to another team member. In the recreational game a commonly agreed practice is for caps to be placed behind where the bowler starts his run up – with the need to be clear before it happens whether a ball touching the equipment carries a penalty. In Test cricket there are no sanitisation breaks and, crucially, no special running lanes.
In my view the notion of a distinction between 20 minutes and six overs, which ought to take very little more than 20 minutes, is pedantic idiocy. And this is how it seems to be treated by umpires who widely opt for a common sense approach of having a break every six overs and taking advantage of any timely fall of a wicket. These breaks take little time if sanitisation bottles are kept behind the stumps.
Where the game has threatened to descend into chaos is in the batsmen’s running. In normal times where a batsman runs is seldom a matter of concern unless he fails to steer clear of the centre of the pitch. But which side does the striker usually run? On the whole he will tend to favour the opposite side from his partner, especially in the conventional context of a right-hand batsman facing a right-arm over the wicket bowler. This is probably what he will have been taught to do by those who coached him in his youth. Observation also suggests that the tendency to run in this direction is the greater when playing a ball into the off side. In other words, the batsman will typically and instinctively run on the same side as the bowler has followed through – precisely what the ECB provisions have sought to avoid.
The new requirements may be looked upon as akin to an instruction to drive on the right in the UK. Behavioural scientists are hardly needed to appreciate the problem of asking cricketers to amend deeply ingrained instincts. But the ECB code makes clear that running in the wrong lane is an offence which, after due warning, may be penalised with the award of five penalty runs. Umpires’ early experience with this provision varied. The lucky ones were spared the complication of bowlers suddenly trying a few balls round the wicket. The lucky ones may also have had long stands between bright young batsmen who could adjust to a different world. Perhaps some simply didn’t really notice what was going on or didn’t care. After one internal practice match without problems my first league match confronted me with a very different challenge. A couple of mature batsmen had the greatest difficulty in remembering to run in the lane that took them away from the bowler. It was all very friendly with repeated apologies, but for how long could it go on? What might Boris have thought had he heard of batsmen straying from the straight and narrow?
In the 35th over of a 40-over innings I gave an official warning that five penalty runs would be awarded on the next occasion. This, I had misguidedly reckoned, would stop it – with other offences such warnings usually do. How wrong I was! Nevertheless, I now believed, the actual award would bring the batsmen to their senses. Not so. So what does the umpire do next? I had set off down a path and felt there was no turning back. Frankly my mind was becoming scrambled. There was a further instance as a straight drive whistled far above my head. ‘Dead ball’ I called with the batsman halfway up the wrong side of the pitch. But the ball had gone for six, I was informed – and I could see that for myself. ‘But our fielder would have caught it if you hadn’t shouted,’ the fielding side protested. There was anger in all directions as new batsmen arrived at the crease with the prospect of more five-run penalties still hanging over the team. Another question now posed itself: after all the early innings leniency how was the side batting second to be treated?
A hero arose from the chaos. The fielding side captain suggested a total amnesty and this was agreed. So whom had I served? Not the game, not the league, certainly not the ECB and, with the whole game being conducted in a manner that flew in the face of the carefully agreed provisions designed to keep the game safe, I had hardly served the government cause to the bitter end.
A report of my experience was fed into an informal nationwide enquiry about what had happened in other leagues. A match in Derbyshire had seen seven penalties awarded. Rather to my surprise I was told that this had mainly involved juniors. My own experience in my problem match and subsequently has been that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks and it has been batsmen of 35 plus who are having the greatest difficulty in coping with the need to ‘drive on the right’. As one man put it to me, it was not going to be worth his while batting as every single might end up as minus five. This was no cheap crack – he meant it. In the same vein I had pointed out to a batsman that he could retire if he felt he was costing his side too many runs.
There was, I felt, no sensible solution to the problem. However, I welcomed a policy statement to which I could give the gold award for biggest fudge of the season. It read, with emboldening as shown: ‘It is assumed that the Striking Batter will run the same line that he did in previous seasons with instruction that this should normally be on the opposite side to the Bowler. It is the Striking Batters’ responsibility to avoid the Bowler.’
The ECB’s provisions have gone out of the window with nothing salvaged bar the wider lane down which the non-striker runs, typically to no useful purpose. So how hard does one now try to get players to run away from the bowler? I guess many umpires will have given up on what I see as a lost cause.
In conclusion recreational cricketers are fortunate to be permitted to play. Their games are not marked by the kind of discipline one sees on a golf course or even in the queue at KFC. There may be good intentions, but basic regulations are flouted in and around pavilions and out on the field. If the game is returned to the list of banned activities, as should perhaps happen, the players will have only themselves to blame.
No Ball Matters
The Professor sent me this
I've been talking to Douglas about the no-ball law. No, I have no idea why, either.
You will, of course, know that the MCC Laws and the ICC Regs are different in respect to the "No ball - feet" stipulations. Specifically, the wording is identical but the order of the words is different. Actually, it is only the position of one word that is different. The word is "not".
A fair delivery requires the bowler's feet to be in the right place as specified by both codes but a no-ball can be called in the Laws if "the bowler's umpire is not satisfied" that they are, whereas, in the Regs if "the bowler's umpire is satisfied that they are not" where they should be.
So that clears that up…
Ged Matters
Ian Harris (Ged) writes
Some say that the second day of the July Lord’s Test is the hottest cricket ticket of the year. I’m not 100 per cent sure about that, but I am 100 per cent sure that July 18 was forecast to be the hottest day of 2014 – and so it turned out.
I was running a little late, so I decided to cab it to Lord’s with my picnic (Shanks’s pony or cab being the only sensible options for Lord’s from my flat) in a vain attempt to get to Lord’s ahead of the crush at the North Gate.
I got to my seat with about five minutes to spare, but had already received a text from my friend, Iain Spellright, that he would be a few minutes late.
Iain and I have worked together on and off since the late 1980s. When we ended up sitting in a business meeting again in 2011, I mentioned that this meant we had worked together across four decades. This made us both feel ancient as hell, which we aren’t really.
It was already pretty hot by the time Iain arrived.
“It’s a scorcher,” I said. “Not sure I’d have chosen the Upper Compton for these conditions – seemed like a good idea in November.”
“Yup, not sure I’ll manage a whole day in the sun – let’s see how it goes,” said Iain, who is a rather fair, pale-skinned fellow.
At least my olive skin doesn’t burn, even if my blood is boiling.
“Trouble with the train?” I asked, wondering why the normally prompt Iain had arrived later than usual.
“No, trouble with the brain – I got halfway to the station, then realised that I had come out without my ticket.”
We decided to go easy on the wine given the intense heat, making my rather fruity bottle of Kiwi Riesling go a long way – even with the smoked salmon bagels and then, early in the second session of play, Hanoi-style bánh mì sandwiches my cricket picnic dish of the season, but new to Iain Spellright.
The combination of wine, sandwiches and the hottest part of the day made both of us feel the need for some respite from the sun. In any case, I needed to pop around to the Middlesex Shop to collect some tickets for Scarborough, so we agreed to take separate strolls and return to the seats when we felt ready.
On the way back to the seats, I ran into Uncail Marcas and one of his cricket-mad sons, who was absolutely thrilled because he’d just had his photo taken with Big Bob Willis. I admired the photo and related my “meeting Bob Willis” stories to a rapt audience.
Given my chance encounter, I thought Iain might beat me back to the seats, but none of it – indeed as tea approached Iain had still not returned, but by around 3.20pm the sun had conveniently moved to allow the Grandstand to throw a shadow over our seats, as we were at that end of the Upper Compton. The shade and a slight breeze made the afternoon much more bearable. I texted Iain Spellright to inform him of the good news re the shade.
Just before tea, the nice gentlemen sitting next to me asked me if I wanted anything brought back at teatime.
“If you find my mate, that would be nice,” I said. “I hope he is OK, he’s been gone a long while.”
But more or less as I spoke, Iain reappeared and explained that he had taken some lengthy respite from the heat and had been drinking icy soft drinks in the shade while watching the match on a TV screen.
“Oh great, it’s shady here now,” he said.
“I texted you that news about 15-20 minutes ago. Didn’t you see the text?” I queried.
“No… In fact I still haven’t received it,” said Iain, checking his gizmo.
After stumps, I walked home with my near-empty picnic, the evening temperature being really quite pleasant and the opportunity to stretch my legs too good to miss. Around 9pm I received a text from Iain: “Thanks for a great day. Btw, your text about the shade has just arrived.”
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