GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 30
June 2005
.
Central Contract Matters
There may be a number of benefits from central contracts but one of the disadvantages is that form players do not get selected to play in test matches. Fletch decided to allow the counties to benefit from having their superstars in their line ups for the opening weeks of the season and the batsmen have hardly got a run between them. If the side for the opening test against Bangla Desh had been picked on form it might have looked something like this:
Newman-Surrey
Shafayat-Northants
Ramprakesh-Surrey
Shah-Middlesex
Yardy-Sussex
Joyce-Middlesex
Piper-Warwickshire
Giles-Warwickshire
Harmison-Durham
Davies-Durham
Richardson-Middlesex
Since there have been no outstanding wicket keepers so far this season I picked Piper to cheer him up.
Your Season
Murray Hedgcock tells me that “my playing now consists of back lawn coaching with my nine-year-old grand-daughter (no, I do the coaching), I wonder if this counts as answering your request for information on my season.” He kindly continued “I did enjoy your newsletter as usual, even if the club names are almost total mysteries, while I continue rather lost in the concept of playing cricket about five days a week for fifty years, which seems to be the pattern of much English club cricket. It was never part of my (Australian) heritage: one match a week, and then it was probably over two Saturdays, so you got one innings mostly - and that was it.
I applaud your mention, if somewhat reluctant, of the fact that women can and do play. I recall with pleasure a match played at Warrnambool (Victoria) in 1949 between my newspaper and the local women's team. When the turn came for one of our players to bat - a printer - he was eventually found cowering behind the pavilion explaining that he was rather unnerved by their fast bowler and would prefer not to front up. So much for the Aussie he-man. And over here, I did play in a charity match in partnership once with Rachel Heyhoe, before she added the Flint, and found myself subject to an over-riding fear that I would run her out. Thankfully, I did not. I just got out - caught by Ion Tiriac at silly mid-off. We were playing a Wimbledon players' XI during the Championships.”
John Morton had an early outing in his annual Village KO match. He reported: “We lost! But I got 50 (51 to be precise) against an attack from a better league standard, so I was quite pleased from that point. I dislocated my thumb in the field and can hardly move my legs for stiffness at the moment - but I'll recover.
Slow over rates In G&C 26 I solved the problem of slow over rates in test cricket. I was overwhelmed by the lack of response and so took it out on the Great Jack Morgan:
My excellent suggestion to deal with this problem was met with a somewhat stony silence. Perhaps no one read it. Just to remind you in case you have forgotten I suggested that the penalty is pointless after the match as in fining or banning captains from future games, but should have an immediate impact on the game itself. My excellent suggestion was that the new ball would not be eligible until after the rate had returned to the required level. Since teams would not want to have to bowl some overs of rinse, except the West Indians to whom it wouldn’t make any difference, or have to bowl with an ever deteriorating piece of rag they would ensure that they achieved the required rate as the match proceeded. My only concern about this is who cares? So few test matches run the full course these days that it hardly seems to matter how quickly the overs are bowled.
But this does not deal with the Ganguly factor. There are a few officials in world cricket who worry about over rates in the one-day game. Presumably this is because they fear strike action from the militant Tea Ladies Union. Once again a fine or ban after the event does not tackle the issue. The answer is to have stages in the innings at which the required over rate must be achieved, say every ten overs. If the rate is not achieved then the batting side has the option to require the fielding restrictions to remain in place for the next ten overs. This assessment on the cumulative over rate is then repeated throughout the innings with the same penalty available. This should be enough to get even the Indians to speed up their over rates and if they didn’t the spinners would at least have to bowl to proper fields without sweepers.
New Law of the Game The Great Jack Morgan told me that he did not go to the season’s opener at Lords because it was a bit nippy. I discussed this with the Professor and we both enjoyed the concept of play being interrupted or not even started because it was a bit nippy. I know that this concept would have found much favour with the Legendary Len Stubbs whose cricket bag was stuffed with countless sweaters precisely because this option wasn’t open. We think that it should be adopted properly as a law of the game and implemented immediately.
However, it is necessary to issue some guidelines to enable the umpires to assess when this new law can be invoked. Here are a few suggestions:
1. When an umpire’s nose turns from blue to purple.
2. When icicles are hanging from the bails.
3. When racey players start wearing designer earmuffs.
4. When more than one bat is cracked during an over.
5. When a sliding fielder’s trousers are lacerated by shards of ice on the outfield.
6. When the umpire’s short wave radio signal to the third umpire is impeded by frozen static.
7. When the fielding side appear in mittens provided by the Anglo-French contingent at Arsenal.
Antigua Matters
It must be true to say that Antigua has one of the best batting strips in the world. Last year His Laraship compiled his epic 400 not out on it and this year the record number of centuries in a test match, eight, were made when the West Indies played out the dullest of draws with South Africa. But why is this?
Well, the answer lies in poor match programming. In both cases the series had already been won and there was little incentive for either side to seek a victory. Last year this almost excused His Laraship’s appalling selfishness in batting well into the third day to reach his own personal goal. This year four South Africans clocked up hundreds before the Somerset captain surprisingly declared after just 163 overs. Then Chris Gayle made a serious attempt at reaching His Laraship’s record. He expressed disappointment when he fell for a paltry 317, but this enabled Bravo and Chanderpaul to reach three figures in addition to Sarwan’s earlier effort. The West Indians clocked a massive, but pointless, 747, which is the sixth highest test score in the history of the game. The match then petered out into a draw.
The governing body clearly needs to change the sequence of test matches in the Caribbean so that one of the earlier games, before the West Indies have been thrashed, takes place on this magnificent surface, which, incidentally, is also housed in idyllic surroundings.
Appalling Fielders
The mere appearance of this heading probably causes a shiver to run down some readers spines for fear of a personal anecdote about their shortcomings but everyone can relax on this occasion since the spotlight falls on the West Indians and their uncanny facility to come up with an apparently bottomless pit of players who slot effortlessly into this category.
Their current fielding supremo is left arm seamer Ian Bradshaw who can neither catch nor throw. In the recent series against South Africa the commentator would wearily say “that will be two” as the ball was hit straight to him anywhere in the outfield. When big hitting Justin Kemp picked him out precisely at long on, Bradshaw obligingly palmed the ball up and over the rope for six. Shortly afterwards another newcomer, Morton, who had already dropped a straightforward catch at mid wicket, hung on to a big hit fifteen yards inside the mid wicket boundary. He then contrived to back pedal all the way to the rope which he stepped on to convert the dismissal to another six.
Ridley Jacobs last year set a new low standard for wicket keeping and was the only player in test, and possibly all first class cricket, who looked worse than Geraint Jones. The West Indian selectors eventually decided enough was enough, despite Jacobs being one of the side’s few consistent batsmen and the only one in their extensive tail to score any runs at all. So what did they do? They found a doppelganger! Courtney Browne is about the same age as Jacobs (late thirties) bats a bit, but less effectively than Jacobs, and, unbelievably, he is an even untidier wicket keeper. Yet it was he they selected to inherit the Teflon gloves. His arms are usually waving about at the sides of his body and the ball rarely ends up in his gloves. Any minute you expect him to bend his knees forward and try to trap the ball with his pads. He keeps like someone who has unexpectedly been asked to do the job at the last minute, but who has never done it before.
The South Hampstead Centenary Year
South Hampstead CC celebrated its centenary in 1975. It came into this anniversary year as both League and Cup champions. Ian Jerman’s 1974 side had played positive cricket and overcome the last minute nerves of earlier sides at the final hurdle. So as it entered its celebratory season the club had a buoyant feel about it. This was enhanced by the growing social side of the club which benefited from use by Old Uffingtonians, Essendine and Paddington members as well as a growing band of local social drinking members. There were some who lamented these developments but it did mean that there were always plenty of people about and that the club coffers were in fairly good shape. The centenary was celebrated by three main events during the year.
In G&C 10 I described the revue “Behind the Sightscreen” that Eric Sharp had written and produced in 1974. Following his death in August of that year Wynne Sharp found umpteen small pieces of paper with scribbles of further parodies of songs in the various pockets of suits and jackets. I went through these with Bob Cozens and we felt that it would be a waste if they were not performed for the club’s enjoyment. After a few weeks of deciphering we gingerly added a few pieces of our own that we felt could be used to flesh out the production and by early January we went into rehearsal for the second club revue which was performed on consecutive nights in February 1975 to sell out audiences. We called the revue “Gorgonzola”. When asked why I would say that it was rather blue but irresistible, but actually I just liked the word.
It was both easier and harder to get people to participate in the second revue. Easier because, having seen the first one they knew what was involved and harder because their natural modesty made them think that they would not be able to do it. Colin Price had returned to his native Australia, but we found admirable replacements with Allen Bruton and the Legendary Len Stubbs, who, it transpired, had had full blown operatic experience. Dick Bostel, Maggie Morse, Edna Berry, Debbie Barclay, Alison Mitchell and Len Baker also joined the cast.
In the early seventies we had had a go at arranging a couple of Summer Balls at the club. Unfortunately, whilst enjoyable, these didn’t amount to much more than a dinner and dance in a tent. Some of us were very keen to have a special event that would be memorable over the years as a suitable celebration of the centenary. However, to organise something on the grand scale is something of an act of faith as the entertainment has to be booked months in advance before any tickets have been sold. In the event it all paid off and a Grand Summer Ball took place in July with over five hundred members, guests and visitors from other clubs in attendance.
The attendees were greeted at the gate by a Scots Piper whilst they signed in. There were three marquees which housed the main dance floor, the dining area and a champagne and wine bar. Along the front of the pavilion were side shows which operated in the period before dinner was served. The tea room was given over to a Disco with Go-Go dancers. In the marquee a cabaret act appeared around midnight which involved a python and glass eating, after which the dance bands swapped over for renewed revelry. Meanwhile the disco gave way to a Punch and Judy Show in the early hours of the following morning to the bewilderment of the Antipodeans who had never seen anything like it. Dancing went on till two to the chagrin of the local residents but, after all, it only happens every hundred years. I left for home around four. When I returned to the club later the same day the afternoon match was in progress and apart from the bleary eyes and hangovers there was no evidence that anything had taken place. I never did discover how Bob Peach had managed to get the marquees down and off site before play started.
The third main centenary event was a match against the President’s XI which took place on the first Sunday in September. Don Wallis, who was the Sunday captain, had been taken ill earlier in the season and so, as his vice captain, I found myself leading the club on this special occasion. Herbert Wallach invited Bob Peach to select and captain his side. Peach did such a good job of inviting players that all twelve he had asked turned up and so we played twelve a side so as not to disappoint anyone. The President’s XI batted first and Ossie Burton soon dismissed Hugh Pearman. However, his opening partner, Alan Daisy Day, also from Hornsey, put together a stand with Gary Black from Shepherds Bush which threatened to ruin the game. They saw off the Legendary Len Stubbs, who had inexplicably shared the new ball with Ossie, and Chris Hayles before Ossie dismissed Daisy towards the end of his spell. Cliff Dickeson was receiving some rare stick but got things back under control when he dismissed Alvin Nienow and then the danger man Black in quick succession. This made the score 131 for 4 with Robin Ager and John Weale at the crease. Robin spent some time playing himself in before sweeping Dickeson of the middle of the bat, only for Terry Cordaroy to take the catch at backward short leg with his usual aplomb. David Simpson had bowled with characteristic economy but no wickets and so Steve Doughty joined the attack and soon accounted for Alan Huntley and Russell Bowes. John Weale had stood firm and made a solid 43 when Terry Cordaroy had a rare bowl and immediately had him caught by Allan Clain. When Bob Peach came to the crease his younger cousin, Steve Thompson, cunningly bowled him with one of his trademark not turning spinners. George was next man up, making what was to be his only ever comeback from his premature retirement at nineteen. Steve didn’t bother with deception on this occasion and bowled him with a full bunger. The innings was declared closed shortly thereafter but not before Bill Hart had enjoyed himself at Terry Cordaroy’s expense with a sally of boundaries. Roy Phipps was the other not out batsman when the final score was the unusual 211 for 10 declared.
The club fancied its chances of knocking these off without much trouble since if a little short on bowling we had plenty of batting and the President’s bowling was decidedly long in the tooth. The umpires for the first innings had been Clive Coleman and Herbert’s brother, Freddie Wallach. Freddie retired at tea and was, significantly, replaced by Aubrey Tutton for the club’s innings. Terry Cordaroy opened with Steve Thompson against Bill Hart and Hugh Pearman. Bill fresh from his success with the bat and keen to show that he had lost none of his old fire, dismissed Thompson, Steve Doughty and the Legendary Len Stubbs in just five overs reducing us to 25 for 3. Worse was to follow as Allen Bruton was run out and Allan Clain caught off Russell Bowes. At 45 for 5 our target seemed a very long way off and much depended, as so often, on Terry Cordaroy seeing us home. At this point Peach decided to give George his first bowl for six years and his second delivery rapped Terry on his front pad. George, probably hoping that it was Tubby Peach in the white coat, appealed and found Aubrey just as compliant and he sent Terry on his way. John Courtney and Chris Hayles repaired the damage to a certain extent and Ossie engaged in customary big hitting. When David Simpson joined me for the final wicket we were 167 for 9, with Cliff Dickeson unable to bat. We entered into the spirit of the occasion with some lusty blows but Russell Bowes bowled me and we were all out for 195.
The victorious President, Herbert Wallach, made an appropriate and amusing speech after the game which lent an air of dignity to the occasion which had been made possible by those former playing members who had taken part along with the guests from other clubs.
So our centenary season was embellished with three big events which helped to make it special and memorable for all those who were able to participate in them.
Silly Sods
I thought that the idea of playing cricket was for fun and for professionals to entertain the paying public. What could meet these objectives better than the best team in the world playing against a team made up from the best of the rest? And the ICC has set up a Super Series in October between a World XI and Australia which precisely meets these criteria. So far so good. But this is causing some disquiet in the anorak community, which believes that these matches should not be designated as test matches. Why not? They claim that test matches are inter-national matches and the World is not a nation. Bollocks. The real problem is that it will mess up their neat and tidy record books and if Tendulkar draws ahead of Gavaskar by scoring a century, will it count? These games will draw record audiences from around the world and do more to promote the game than probably any event so far this century. The only thing that could go wrong for the ICC is if England wins the Ashes this summer. Pigs….
Who is going to play for the World XI? The ICC has named an initial squad of thirty players for the tests and one day internationals and these will be trimmed to twenty in due course, although they have stated that other players could be added. Some of the initial selections seem odd. Strauss is selected in the test group but not Gayle or Trescothick. Shoaib Akhtar is picked even though he can’t get into the Pakistan squad at the moment, and who the hell is Rana Naved-ul-Hasan?
Nevertheless, the following make a fairly mouth-watering selection to kick things off:
Sehwag-India
Smith-South Africa
Dravid-India
Kallis-South Africa
Lara-West Indies
Flintoff-England
Sangakarra-Sri Lanka
Vettori-New Zealand
Vaas-Sri Lanka
Nel-South Africa
Murilitharan-Sri Lanka
I have excluded Tendulkar and Harmison from the above on the grounds of lack of current test form.
The one-day side could look significantly different:
Afridi-Pakistan
Gayle-West Indies
Sehwag-India
Jayasuriya-Sri Lanka
Lara-West Indies
Gibbs-South Africa
Flintoff-England
Sangakarra-Sri Lanka
Pollock-South Africa
Vaas-Sri Lanka
Murilitharan-Sri Lanka
This side has a shit or bust feel to it, but could be sensational on its day.
Familial Priorities
There is a very strange factor creeping into first class cricket in which prominent players have to make a public statement about their devotion to their wives and families. It’s hard to imagine that any of the following could have taken place as recently as the last century.
Last summer the England captain announced that he would be leaving a test match during its course so that he could be with his wife whilst she gave birth to their first child. This apparently took priority over his duties as captain of England during a test match. In the event he was able to slip away and return with little disruption but it could have been very different and England could have lost as a result of his being unable to bat in one or both innings. Surely if he was going to make attendance at the birth a priority he should have stood down from the test match and let a fully available and committed side take the field?
When Somerset played Yorkshire at Headingley earlier this year their side was strengthened, apparently, by the presence of Marcus Trescothick. His mind was clearly elsewhere when he won the toss and then put Yorkshire in on a shirtfront under cloudless skies. After they had rattled up 540 it was Somerset’s turn to bat. But where was their captain and England star? He had buggared off to watch his wife endure the pains of labour. This cannot have been a surprise event and presumably Banger knew about it ahead of the match but he abandoned his team mates who only had to lose nine wickets in each innings to lose the match, which they duly did. Somerset could have done without his minimal contribution and they must be looking forward to his return to central contract duties.
And then there is the strange case of Freddie Flintoff who made his comeback to first class cricket at Lords after a three-month absence since the Centurion test in January. The match was a Totesport League match against Middlesex. These games are of a relatively short duration being fifty overs per side and Middlesex batted first. However, Freddie only lasted seventeen of them before he left the field to check on his baby daughter, Holly, who had trapped her toe in a car door shortly after arrival at Lords with her parents. What is going on?
If this trend continues we can expect ever increasingly bizarre absences from the field of play as macho performers feel it necessary to demonstrate their feminine side at the expense of their team’s performance. Someone needs to tell these mamby pambies to either play or sit it out until their other commitments allow them to give their all to the game.
Fifties Matters
Bruce Tutton sent me the following: “Bill Hart mentioned some names from the South Hampstead 2nd XI of the fifties. I wonder if he remembers some others - i.e. Eddie Watkins, Eric Haywood (Lionel's dad), Frank Sharman, Stan Thomas & Tom McCorkindale. Eric Haywood was the slowest swing bower I have seen, probably slower than my leg breaks, but he used the new ball well and was difficult to score off. Dicky Bird was an amputee - he wore a stump on his right leg & batted without a pad. He was very good at pivoting on his stump & pulling the ball; and he had no problems chasing the ball, though he did field close in. Aah - Happy days!”
I passed this on to Bill who replied:
“The extract from Bruce Tutton's e-mail, which you sent to me,
certainly brought back many great memories from my earliest days in club cricket. The Old Grammarians (Battersea G.S.) were very good at encouraging youngsters, and as a result I played for their 1st XI every Sunday throughout the summer of my last year at school, 1953. They never allowed me to pay for anything and really made me feel that I was one of the boys. As they had a very good team at that time, with a better fixture list than most Old Boys sides (Esher, Richmond, Addiscombe,
Wallington, Forest Hill etc), you can see that it was a great introduction to the game. They were also a great drinking team.
One of their best social fixtures was the one against the South
Hampstead half-day team, firstly under the captaincy of Leslie Wale and then Wally Barratt. I remember that Leslie wore a cardigan in South Hampstead colours and that although he wasn't a great player he was a great character and seemed to be a good captain. I can easily remember all of the players that Bruce mentioned except Jack Wilkinson, and Frank Sharman, or was he the fellow with a deformed arm who had a panel-beating business? I agree with Bruce that Eric Haywood (with his gleaming spectacles) was the slowest seam bowler of all time. He served up gently released in-swingers that still seemed to get people out. Stan Thomas I remember as a miserable bugger who, I think, kept wicket (sounds like Ager). Eddie Watkins was memorable in his striped blazer, which he never seemed to take off. The significant players that I remember from that team were the brothers Tutton, although Bruce was often in the All-day XI, Johnny Woodbridge - fielding in plimsolls and a fierce hitter if you let him get set, Jack Wilson - very dour, but a bit nervous of quick bowling, Jack Singman - never middled a ball but still got 20 or so, and the best player of them all, Ron Impey.
Above all I remember how enjoyable it was especially in the old
pavilion at Milverton Road, including the ritual of watering the rhubarb! When in August 1961, I told Jack Wilson and Ron that marriage was to
take me over the Thames, they suggested that I join SHCC. I was very flattered that they should ask me, and when they assured me that Stanmore, where I was going to live, was very near Willesden, I agreed to come. I fully expected to play with them in the 2nd XI, but the rest you know.”
Good Afternoon, I am your new President The Professor told me that he is looking for a house in the York area and found one backing onto a village cricket ground. Judith, his wife, apparently said to him “You can go and be President there”. This seemed pretty amusing and led on to some banter about how he would introduce himself at a new club. Instead of saying “I’m a batter” or “I’m a bowler” or even “I can help out with the bar” he would have to say “I am a President, when do I take over?”
I tried this out on The Great jack Morgan who responded:
“The President’s job is to come up with money when it is needed isn’t it? So if he just takes along a copy of his bank statement, he should be installed as the President instantly.”
Henry Malcolm Matters
John Tutton was kind enough to send me another cutting from his formidable scrapbook. It is a newspaper article by Peter Lorenzo from 1953, which sadly was too faded to reproduce but from which I have taken the following extracts:
“Mention South Hampstead to any club cricket enthusiast and conversation will inevitably turn to Henry Malcolm, the first eleven skipper and one of the most prolific scorers among the week-end players. Malcolm has been associated with South Hampstead for more than twenty years and during that time has collected practically every honour the game has to offer. His colleagues will tell you that Malcolm is too good for club cricket. His standard they say approaches the county mark, and one rabid admirer told me yesterday that if Malcolm could have devoted more time to the game he would have been an automatic choice for England. Judge for yourself then the capabilities of this cricketing giant who a few years ago hit 200 before lunch for the Stoics against the Royal navy at the Oval.”
All this makes me realise that I am much younger than many of the readers since I only met Henry once. This was when he visited the new clubhouse in the late sixties. I was introduced to him by two of his biggest sycophants, Tony and Audrey Hawdon. By this stage he was in late middle age and, I suspect, strongly disapproved of the new surroundings. However, he had chosen to keep distant from the club at which he had become a legend.
With most Henry Malcolm stories there is normally the rejoinder “but”. I always enjoy an exchange of emails with Bill Hart and so I mischievously asked him if he had any Henry Malcolm stories to recount. He replied:
“I can’t help you with Henry Malcolm stories. I never played with him, only met him a few times, and found him to be a miserable sod. Don Wallis, who hero-worshipped him, is the man to help you. I always felt, from the stories that I heard, that Henry was far too defensive for my taste. He always seemed to be settling for a draw. Nosher Robertson told me once that in a Conference match somewhere in Kent, Henry was asked to take the shine off the new ball so that the young Ian Bedford could bowl. He is said to have stated "I don’t take the shine off for any bugger", and proceeded to take 6 or 7 cheap wickets and ruined the match.”
Du Cane Divas In G&C 27 whilst correcting one of my minor geographical slips the Great Jack Morgan referred to Bog Eye, one of the Danes’ sixties schoolmasters. Shortly thereafter Wullers directed some of us to Bob Hunt’s Old Danes website where there is a photo gallery. The first photo is of the 1968 staff presided over by Syph, the inevitable nickname for the then Headmaster, Mr Badcock. This was a couple of years after I had left and I was surprised at how many of the staff I didn’t recognise at all. But as my eyes moved along the rows I suddenly saw Bog Eye. I thought that I had better report this back to the Great Jack Morgan without further ado: “There was Bog-Eye looking pretty smart. He also seems to be about twenty years younger than when he taught us. There is no indication in his manner that he knew nothing about any of the subjects he was employed to teach. I have been rather disappointed not to receive any comment or feedback from any Googlies readers on Bog-Eye following his mention in the last issue. This could have become a cult topic and perhaps, maybe, still will. But it could be down to us.” His reply was extraordinary for one so knowledgeable about everything else. “Bog Eye: I know nothing about him so you will have to turn him into the cult!”
I then responded: “How can you not know about Bog Eye? I thought that you knew everything about everything? Let’s start with something easy. Was he formally on Nick’s Geography staff? Who else taught geography? What other subjects did he pretend to have the basis of knowledge to be able to teach? What was wrong with his eye? Was it a war wound or the result of a conker competition that got out of hand? Maybe he had a gratis position like Eric’s sister’s husband who was given a teaching post after RAF service. No doubt geography was considered safe enough but he wouldn’t have been let loose in the chemistry labs. Who do you think would have the answers to these questions? Perhaps I should try the Professor?”
And so I went cap in hand to the Professor: “You may be my last source of information on this fascinating topic?” And the Professor didn’t let me down:
“Bog-eye taught me Maths. In truth I don't remember too much about it but he must have planted some seeds since I have spent many hours in the past thirty years with the delights of matrix algebra and differential calculus. The only two things I can remember are:
First, that he was very keen on opera - being Welsh he delighted in singing and once bought his Enrico Caruso records in for us to listen to. You can imagine how appreciative 15-year-old boys were to the sound of these crackly discs. If he is still alive he will have been singing ever since Saturday (when Wales completed the grand slam).
Secondly, I will always remember the equation for simple interest. You, of course, as a Chartered Accountant, will know that Principal x Time x Rate divided by 100 produces the result. The man from South Wales unforgettably presented PTR over 100 as "the Port Talbot Railway on wheels".”
Red Mist Matters
Our man Shahid Red Mist Afridi has been up to his old tricks again. No sooner had he stepped off the plane in the Caribbean than he set to work unceremoniously on the locals. He opened the batting for Pakistan against the Antigua and Barbuda President’s XI in their only warm up fixture before the one-day series and scored 104 off just 46 deliveries in an innings which included eight sixes. The BBC website noted that “he played some amazing shots, including a wristy flick off pacer Ricky Christopher out of the ground into the nearby churchyard at St. John’s, and a cover off the same bowler for another six”. His innings facilitated a massive 366 for 7 from fifty overs. When the home side batted our man chipped in with 4 for 6 from 6.4 overs.
In the Cheltenham and Gloucester first round match at Wormsley, Andrew Crook scored 162 not out for Lancashire against Bucks in a total of 370 for 4. However, his effort was somewhat overshadowed by Glen Chapple who scored the fastest half-century in the competition’s history off only sixteen balls.
Rangers Reminiscences
Whilst checking things out at the Oval Cousin Jim Revier asked the Great Jack Morgan for his all time Rangers XI. He duly obliged with this formidable bunch:
1 Phil Parkes
2 Paul Parker
3 Kenny Sansom
4 Terry Fenwick
5 Steve Wicks
6 Gerry Francis
7 Trevor Francis
8 Stan Bowles
9 Les Ferdinand
10 Rodney Marsh
11. Andy Sinton
T Francis plays on the right side of midfield, where he had an impressive spell for the Rangers in 1988, and I always thought that Rodney was at his best when making his runs from slightly deeper positions as he did in his heyday, when the front three were M Lazarus, L Allen and R Morgan, so he plays slightly behind the front two of Stan and Les.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 32 It seems ridiculous on the television but the over enthusiastic encouragement given to bowlers in the modern game is even more ludicrous when witnessed live. At Headingley when Ian Blackwell came on to bowl a few overs of his innocuous slow left armers, the fielders oohed and aahed with every delivery as if it was a major achievement to propel the ball in roughly the right direction. The fact that each delivery found the middle of the bat was apparently immaterial. The modern bowler is apparently so insecure that he needs this boost to his self esteem every ball.
Strange Elevens
Last month’s bunch have all opened the batting in a Test Match for England. The Great Jack Morgan has selected this side for you to ponder this month:
Darren Bicknell
Ken Rutherford
Paul Johnson
Carl Hooper
Graham Lloyd
Ian Harvey
Chris Cairns
Martin Speight (w/k)
Matthew Fleming
Ian Austin
Richard Johnson
All you have to do is decide which Jazz Hat they qualify for.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Tel: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 30
June 2005
.
Central Contract Matters
There may be a number of benefits from central contracts but one of the disadvantages is that form players do not get selected to play in test matches. Fletch decided to allow the counties to benefit from having their superstars in their line ups for the opening weeks of the season and the batsmen have hardly got a run between them. If the side for the opening test against Bangla Desh had been picked on form it might have looked something like this:
Newman-Surrey
Shafayat-Northants
Ramprakesh-Surrey
Shah-Middlesex
Yardy-Sussex
Joyce-Middlesex
Piper-Warwickshire
Giles-Warwickshire
Harmison-Durham
Davies-Durham
Richardson-Middlesex
Since there have been no outstanding wicket keepers so far this season I picked Piper to cheer him up.
Your Season
Murray Hedgcock tells me that “my playing now consists of back lawn coaching with my nine-year-old grand-daughter (no, I do the coaching), I wonder if this counts as answering your request for information on my season.” He kindly continued “I did enjoy your newsletter as usual, even if the club names are almost total mysteries, while I continue rather lost in the concept of playing cricket about five days a week for fifty years, which seems to be the pattern of much English club cricket. It was never part of my (Australian) heritage: one match a week, and then it was probably over two Saturdays, so you got one innings mostly - and that was it.
I applaud your mention, if somewhat reluctant, of the fact that women can and do play. I recall with pleasure a match played at Warrnambool (Victoria) in 1949 between my newspaper and the local women's team. When the turn came for one of our players to bat - a printer - he was eventually found cowering behind the pavilion explaining that he was rather unnerved by their fast bowler and would prefer not to front up. So much for the Aussie he-man. And over here, I did play in a charity match in partnership once with Rachel Heyhoe, before she added the Flint, and found myself subject to an over-riding fear that I would run her out. Thankfully, I did not. I just got out - caught by Ion Tiriac at silly mid-off. We were playing a Wimbledon players' XI during the Championships.”
John Morton had an early outing in his annual Village KO match. He reported: “We lost! But I got 50 (51 to be precise) against an attack from a better league standard, so I was quite pleased from that point. I dislocated my thumb in the field and can hardly move my legs for stiffness at the moment - but I'll recover.
Slow over rates In G&C 26 I solved the problem of slow over rates in test cricket. I was overwhelmed by the lack of response and so took it out on the Great Jack Morgan:
My excellent suggestion to deal with this problem was met with a somewhat stony silence. Perhaps no one read it. Just to remind you in case you have forgotten I suggested that the penalty is pointless after the match as in fining or banning captains from future games, but should have an immediate impact on the game itself. My excellent suggestion was that the new ball would not be eligible until after the rate had returned to the required level. Since teams would not want to have to bowl some overs of rinse, except the West Indians to whom it wouldn’t make any difference, or have to bowl with an ever deteriorating piece of rag they would ensure that they achieved the required rate as the match proceeded. My only concern about this is who cares? So few test matches run the full course these days that it hardly seems to matter how quickly the overs are bowled.
But this does not deal with the Ganguly factor. There are a few officials in world cricket who worry about over rates in the one-day game. Presumably this is because they fear strike action from the militant Tea Ladies Union. Once again a fine or ban after the event does not tackle the issue. The answer is to have stages in the innings at which the required over rate must be achieved, say every ten overs. If the rate is not achieved then the batting side has the option to require the fielding restrictions to remain in place for the next ten overs. This assessment on the cumulative over rate is then repeated throughout the innings with the same penalty available. This should be enough to get even the Indians to speed up their over rates and if they didn’t the spinners would at least have to bowl to proper fields without sweepers.
New Law of the Game The Great Jack Morgan told me that he did not go to the season’s opener at Lords because it was a bit nippy. I discussed this with the Professor and we both enjoyed the concept of play being interrupted or not even started because it was a bit nippy. I know that this concept would have found much favour with the Legendary Len Stubbs whose cricket bag was stuffed with countless sweaters precisely because this option wasn’t open. We think that it should be adopted properly as a law of the game and implemented immediately.
However, it is necessary to issue some guidelines to enable the umpires to assess when this new law can be invoked. Here are a few suggestions:
1. When an umpire’s nose turns from blue to purple.
2. When icicles are hanging from the bails.
3. When racey players start wearing designer earmuffs.
4. When more than one bat is cracked during an over.
5. When a sliding fielder’s trousers are lacerated by shards of ice on the outfield.
6. When the umpire’s short wave radio signal to the third umpire is impeded by frozen static.
7. When the fielding side appear in mittens provided by the Anglo-French contingent at Arsenal.
Antigua Matters
It must be true to say that Antigua has one of the best batting strips in the world. Last year His Laraship compiled his epic 400 not out on it and this year the record number of centuries in a test match, eight, were made when the West Indies played out the dullest of draws with South Africa. But why is this?
Well, the answer lies in poor match programming. In both cases the series had already been won and there was little incentive for either side to seek a victory. Last year this almost excused His Laraship’s appalling selfishness in batting well into the third day to reach his own personal goal. This year four South Africans clocked up hundreds before the Somerset captain surprisingly declared after just 163 overs. Then Chris Gayle made a serious attempt at reaching His Laraship’s record. He expressed disappointment when he fell for a paltry 317, but this enabled Bravo and Chanderpaul to reach three figures in addition to Sarwan’s earlier effort. The West Indians clocked a massive, but pointless, 747, which is the sixth highest test score in the history of the game. The match then petered out into a draw.
The governing body clearly needs to change the sequence of test matches in the Caribbean so that one of the earlier games, before the West Indies have been thrashed, takes place on this magnificent surface, which, incidentally, is also housed in idyllic surroundings.
Appalling Fielders
The mere appearance of this heading probably causes a shiver to run down some readers spines for fear of a personal anecdote about their shortcomings but everyone can relax on this occasion since the spotlight falls on the West Indians and their uncanny facility to come up with an apparently bottomless pit of players who slot effortlessly into this category.
Their current fielding supremo is left arm seamer Ian Bradshaw who can neither catch nor throw. In the recent series against South Africa the commentator would wearily say “that will be two” as the ball was hit straight to him anywhere in the outfield. When big hitting Justin Kemp picked him out precisely at long on, Bradshaw obligingly palmed the ball up and over the rope for six. Shortly afterwards another newcomer, Morton, who had already dropped a straightforward catch at mid wicket, hung on to a big hit fifteen yards inside the mid wicket boundary. He then contrived to back pedal all the way to the rope which he stepped on to convert the dismissal to another six.
Ridley Jacobs last year set a new low standard for wicket keeping and was the only player in test, and possibly all first class cricket, who looked worse than Geraint Jones. The West Indian selectors eventually decided enough was enough, despite Jacobs being one of the side’s few consistent batsmen and the only one in their extensive tail to score any runs at all. So what did they do? They found a doppelganger! Courtney Browne is about the same age as Jacobs (late thirties) bats a bit, but less effectively than Jacobs, and, unbelievably, he is an even untidier wicket keeper. Yet it was he they selected to inherit the Teflon gloves. His arms are usually waving about at the sides of his body and the ball rarely ends up in his gloves. Any minute you expect him to bend his knees forward and try to trap the ball with his pads. He keeps like someone who has unexpectedly been asked to do the job at the last minute, but who has never done it before.
The South Hampstead Centenary Year
South Hampstead CC celebrated its centenary in 1975. It came into this anniversary year as both League and Cup champions. Ian Jerman’s 1974 side had played positive cricket and overcome the last minute nerves of earlier sides at the final hurdle. So as it entered its celebratory season the club had a buoyant feel about it. This was enhanced by the growing social side of the club which benefited from use by Old Uffingtonians, Essendine and Paddington members as well as a growing band of local social drinking members. There were some who lamented these developments but it did mean that there were always plenty of people about and that the club coffers were in fairly good shape. The centenary was celebrated by three main events during the year.
In G&C 10 I described the revue “Behind the Sightscreen” that Eric Sharp had written and produced in 1974. Following his death in August of that year Wynne Sharp found umpteen small pieces of paper with scribbles of further parodies of songs in the various pockets of suits and jackets. I went through these with Bob Cozens and we felt that it would be a waste if they were not performed for the club’s enjoyment. After a few weeks of deciphering we gingerly added a few pieces of our own that we felt could be used to flesh out the production and by early January we went into rehearsal for the second club revue which was performed on consecutive nights in February 1975 to sell out audiences. We called the revue “Gorgonzola”. When asked why I would say that it was rather blue but irresistible, but actually I just liked the word.
It was both easier and harder to get people to participate in the second revue. Easier because, having seen the first one they knew what was involved and harder because their natural modesty made them think that they would not be able to do it. Colin Price had returned to his native Australia, but we found admirable replacements with Allen Bruton and the Legendary Len Stubbs, who, it transpired, had had full blown operatic experience. Dick Bostel, Maggie Morse, Edna Berry, Debbie Barclay, Alison Mitchell and Len Baker also joined the cast.
In the early seventies we had had a go at arranging a couple of Summer Balls at the club. Unfortunately, whilst enjoyable, these didn’t amount to much more than a dinner and dance in a tent. Some of us were very keen to have a special event that would be memorable over the years as a suitable celebration of the centenary. However, to organise something on the grand scale is something of an act of faith as the entertainment has to be booked months in advance before any tickets have been sold. In the event it all paid off and a Grand Summer Ball took place in July with over five hundred members, guests and visitors from other clubs in attendance.
The attendees were greeted at the gate by a Scots Piper whilst they signed in. There were three marquees which housed the main dance floor, the dining area and a champagne and wine bar. Along the front of the pavilion were side shows which operated in the period before dinner was served. The tea room was given over to a Disco with Go-Go dancers. In the marquee a cabaret act appeared around midnight which involved a python and glass eating, after which the dance bands swapped over for renewed revelry. Meanwhile the disco gave way to a Punch and Judy Show in the early hours of the following morning to the bewilderment of the Antipodeans who had never seen anything like it. Dancing went on till two to the chagrin of the local residents but, after all, it only happens every hundred years. I left for home around four. When I returned to the club later the same day the afternoon match was in progress and apart from the bleary eyes and hangovers there was no evidence that anything had taken place. I never did discover how Bob Peach had managed to get the marquees down and off site before play started.
The third main centenary event was a match against the President’s XI which took place on the first Sunday in September. Don Wallis, who was the Sunday captain, had been taken ill earlier in the season and so, as his vice captain, I found myself leading the club on this special occasion. Herbert Wallach invited Bob Peach to select and captain his side. Peach did such a good job of inviting players that all twelve he had asked turned up and so we played twelve a side so as not to disappoint anyone. The President’s XI batted first and Ossie Burton soon dismissed Hugh Pearman. However, his opening partner, Alan Daisy Day, also from Hornsey, put together a stand with Gary Black from Shepherds Bush which threatened to ruin the game. They saw off the Legendary Len Stubbs, who had inexplicably shared the new ball with Ossie, and Chris Hayles before Ossie dismissed Daisy towards the end of his spell. Cliff Dickeson was receiving some rare stick but got things back under control when he dismissed Alvin Nienow and then the danger man Black in quick succession. This made the score 131 for 4 with Robin Ager and John Weale at the crease. Robin spent some time playing himself in before sweeping Dickeson of the middle of the bat, only for Terry Cordaroy to take the catch at backward short leg with his usual aplomb. David Simpson had bowled with characteristic economy but no wickets and so Steve Doughty joined the attack and soon accounted for Alan Huntley and Russell Bowes. John Weale had stood firm and made a solid 43 when Terry Cordaroy had a rare bowl and immediately had him caught by Allan Clain. When Bob Peach came to the crease his younger cousin, Steve Thompson, cunningly bowled him with one of his trademark not turning spinners. George was next man up, making what was to be his only ever comeback from his premature retirement at nineteen. Steve didn’t bother with deception on this occasion and bowled him with a full bunger. The innings was declared closed shortly thereafter but not before Bill Hart had enjoyed himself at Terry Cordaroy’s expense with a sally of boundaries. Roy Phipps was the other not out batsman when the final score was the unusual 211 for 10 declared.
The club fancied its chances of knocking these off without much trouble since if a little short on bowling we had plenty of batting and the President’s bowling was decidedly long in the tooth. The umpires for the first innings had been Clive Coleman and Herbert’s brother, Freddie Wallach. Freddie retired at tea and was, significantly, replaced by Aubrey Tutton for the club’s innings. Terry Cordaroy opened with Steve Thompson against Bill Hart and Hugh Pearman. Bill fresh from his success with the bat and keen to show that he had lost none of his old fire, dismissed Thompson, Steve Doughty and the Legendary Len Stubbs in just five overs reducing us to 25 for 3. Worse was to follow as Allen Bruton was run out and Allan Clain caught off Russell Bowes. At 45 for 5 our target seemed a very long way off and much depended, as so often, on Terry Cordaroy seeing us home. At this point Peach decided to give George his first bowl for six years and his second delivery rapped Terry on his front pad. George, probably hoping that it was Tubby Peach in the white coat, appealed and found Aubrey just as compliant and he sent Terry on his way. John Courtney and Chris Hayles repaired the damage to a certain extent and Ossie engaged in customary big hitting. When David Simpson joined me for the final wicket we were 167 for 9, with Cliff Dickeson unable to bat. We entered into the spirit of the occasion with some lusty blows but Russell Bowes bowled me and we were all out for 195.
The victorious President, Herbert Wallach, made an appropriate and amusing speech after the game which lent an air of dignity to the occasion which had been made possible by those former playing members who had taken part along with the guests from other clubs.
So our centenary season was embellished with three big events which helped to make it special and memorable for all those who were able to participate in them.
Silly Sods
I thought that the idea of playing cricket was for fun and for professionals to entertain the paying public. What could meet these objectives better than the best team in the world playing against a team made up from the best of the rest? And the ICC has set up a Super Series in October between a World XI and Australia which precisely meets these criteria. So far so good. But this is causing some disquiet in the anorak community, which believes that these matches should not be designated as test matches. Why not? They claim that test matches are inter-national matches and the World is not a nation. Bollocks. The real problem is that it will mess up their neat and tidy record books and if Tendulkar draws ahead of Gavaskar by scoring a century, will it count? These games will draw record audiences from around the world and do more to promote the game than probably any event so far this century. The only thing that could go wrong for the ICC is if England wins the Ashes this summer. Pigs….
Who is going to play for the World XI? The ICC has named an initial squad of thirty players for the tests and one day internationals and these will be trimmed to twenty in due course, although they have stated that other players could be added. Some of the initial selections seem odd. Strauss is selected in the test group but not Gayle or Trescothick. Shoaib Akhtar is picked even though he can’t get into the Pakistan squad at the moment, and who the hell is Rana Naved-ul-Hasan?
Nevertheless, the following make a fairly mouth-watering selection to kick things off:
Sehwag-India
Smith-South Africa
Dravid-India
Kallis-South Africa
Lara-West Indies
Flintoff-England
Sangakarra-Sri Lanka
Vettori-New Zealand
Vaas-Sri Lanka
Nel-South Africa
Murilitharan-Sri Lanka
I have excluded Tendulkar and Harmison from the above on the grounds of lack of current test form.
The one-day side could look significantly different:
Afridi-Pakistan
Gayle-West Indies
Sehwag-India
Jayasuriya-Sri Lanka
Lara-West Indies
Gibbs-South Africa
Flintoff-England
Sangakarra-Sri Lanka
Pollock-South Africa
Vaas-Sri Lanka
Murilitharan-Sri Lanka
This side has a shit or bust feel to it, but could be sensational on its day.
Familial Priorities
There is a very strange factor creeping into first class cricket in which prominent players have to make a public statement about their devotion to their wives and families. It’s hard to imagine that any of the following could have taken place as recently as the last century.
Last summer the England captain announced that he would be leaving a test match during its course so that he could be with his wife whilst she gave birth to their first child. This apparently took priority over his duties as captain of England during a test match. In the event he was able to slip away and return with little disruption but it could have been very different and England could have lost as a result of his being unable to bat in one or both innings. Surely if he was going to make attendance at the birth a priority he should have stood down from the test match and let a fully available and committed side take the field?
When Somerset played Yorkshire at Headingley earlier this year their side was strengthened, apparently, by the presence of Marcus Trescothick. His mind was clearly elsewhere when he won the toss and then put Yorkshire in on a shirtfront under cloudless skies. After they had rattled up 540 it was Somerset’s turn to bat. But where was their captain and England star? He had buggared off to watch his wife endure the pains of labour. This cannot have been a surprise event and presumably Banger knew about it ahead of the match but he abandoned his team mates who only had to lose nine wickets in each innings to lose the match, which they duly did. Somerset could have done without his minimal contribution and they must be looking forward to his return to central contract duties.
And then there is the strange case of Freddie Flintoff who made his comeback to first class cricket at Lords after a three-month absence since the Centurion test in January. The match was a Totesport League match against Middlesex. These games are of a relatively short duration being fifty overs per side and Middlesex batted first. However, Freddie only lasted seventeen of them before he left the field to check on his baby daughter, Holly, who had trapped her toe in a car door shortly after arrival at Lords with her parents. What is going on?
If this trend continues we can expect ever increasingly bizarre absences from the field of play as macho performers feel it necessary to demonstrate their feminine side at the expense of their team’s performance. Someone needs to tell these mamby pambies to either play or sit it out until their other commitments allow them to give their all to the game.
Fifties Matters
Bruce Tutton sent me the following: “Bill Hart mentioned some names from the South Hampstead 2nd XI of the fifties. I wonder if he remembers some others - i.e. Eddie Watkins, Eric Haywood (Lionel's dad), Frank Sharman, Stan Thomas & Tom McCorkindale. Eric Haywood was the slowest swing bower I have seen, probably slower than my leg breaks, but he used the new ball well and was difficult to score off. Dicky Bird was an amputee - he wore a stump on his right leg & batted without a pad. He was very good at pivoting on his stump & pulling the ball; and he had no problems chasing the ball, though he did field close in. Aah - Happy days!”
I passed this on to Bill who replied:
“The extract from Bruce Tutton's e-mail, which you sent to me,
certainly brought back many great memories from my earliest days in club cricket. The Old Grammarians (Battersea G.S.) were very good at encouraging youngsters, and as a result I played for their 1st XI every Sunday throughout the summer of my last year at school, 1953. They never allowed me to pay for anything and really made me feel that I was one of the boys. As they had a very good team at that time, with a better fixture list than most Old Boys sides (Esher, Richmond, Addiscombe,
Wallington, Forest Hill etc), you can see that it was a great introduction to the game. They were also a great drinking team.
One of their best social fixtures was the one against the South
Hampstead half-day team, firstly under the captaincy of Leslie Wale and then Wally Barratt. I remember that Leslie wore a cardigan in South Hampstead colours and that although he wasn't a great player he was a great character and seemed to be a good captain. I can easily remember all of the players that Bruce mentioned except Jack Wilkinson, and Frank Sharman, or was he the fellow with a deformed arm who had a panel-beating business? I agree with Bruce that Eric Haywood (with his gleaming spectacles) was the slowest seam bowler of all time. He served up gently released in-swingers that still seemed to get people out. Stan Thomas I remember as a miserable bugger who, I think, kept wicket (sounds like Ager). Eddie Watkins was memorable in his striped blazer, which he never seemed to take off. The significant players that I remember from that team were the brothers Tutton, although Bruce was often in the All-day XI, Johnny Woodbridge - fielding in plimsolls and a fierce hitter if you let him get set, Jack Wilson - very dour, but a bit nervous of quick bowling, Jack Singman - never middled a ball but still got 20 or so, and the best player of them all, Ron Impey.
Above all I remember how enjoyable it was especially in the old
pavilion at Milverton Road, including the ritual of watering the rhubarb! When in August 1961, I told Jack Wilson and Ron that marriage was to
take me over the Thames, they suggested that I join SHCC. I was very flattered that they should ask me, and when they assured me that Stanmore, where I was going to live, was very near Willesden, I agreed to come. I fully expected to play with them in the 2nd XI, but the rest you know.”
Good Afternoon, I am your new President The Professor told me that he is looking for a house in the York area and found one backing onto a village cricket ground. Judith, his wife, apparently said to him “You can go and be President there”. This seemed pretty amusing and led on to some banter about how he would introduce himself at a new club. Instead of saying “I’m a batter” or “I’m a bowler” or even “I can help out with the bar” he would have to say “I am a President, when do I take over?”
I tried this out on The Great jack Morgan who responded:
“The President’s job is to come up with money when it is needed isn’t it? So if he just takes along a copy of his bank statement, he should be installed as the President instantly.”
Henry Malcolm Matters
John Tutton was kind enough to send me another cutting from his formidable scrapbook. It is a newspaper article by Peter Lorenzo from 1953, which sadly was too faded to reproduce but from which I have taken the following extracts:
“Mention South Hampstead to any club cricket enthusiast and conversation will inevitably turn to Henry Malcolm, the first eleven skipper and one of the most prolific scorers among the week-end players. Malcolm has been associated with South Hampstead for more than twenty years and during that time has collected practically every honour the game has to offer. His colleagues will tell you that Malcolm is too good for club cricket. His standard they say approaches the county mark, and one rabid admirer told me yesterday that if Malcolm could have devoted more time to the game he would have been an automatic choice for England. Judge for yourself then the capabilities of this cricketing giant who a few years ago hit 200 before lunch for the Stoics against the Royal navy at the Oval.”
All this makes me realise that I am much younger than many of the readers since I only met Henry once. This was when he visited the new clubhouse in the late sixties. I was introduced to him by two of his biggest sycophants, Tony and Audrey Hawdon. By this stage he was in late middle age and, I suspect, strongly disapproved of the new surroundings. However, he had chosen to keep distant from the club at which he had become a legend.
With most Henry Malcolm stories there is normally the rejoinder “but”. I always enjoy an exchange of emails with Bill Hart and so I mischievously asked him if he had any Henry Malcolm stories to recount. He replied:
“I can’t help you with Henry Malcolm stories. I never played with him, only met him a few times, and found him to be a miserable sod. Don Wallis, who hero-worshipped him, is the man to help you. I always felt, from the stories that I heard, that Henry was far too defensive for my taste. He always seemed to be settling for a draw. Nosher Robertson told me once that in a Conference match somewhere in Kent, Henry was asked to take the shine off the new ball so that the young Ian Bedford could bowl. He is said to have stated "I don’t take the shine off for any bugger", and proceeded to take 6 or 7 cheap wickets and ruined the match.”
Du Cane Divas In G&C 27 whilst correcting one of my minor geographical slips the Great Jack Morgan referred to Bog Eye, one of the Danes’ sixties schoolmasters. Shortly thereafter Wullers directed some of us to Bob Hunt’s Old Danes website where there is a photo gallery. The first photo is of the 1968 staff presided over by Syph, the inevitable nickname for the then Headmaster, Mr Badcock. This was a couple of years after I had left and I was surprised at how many of the staff I didn’t recognise at all. But as my eyes moved along the rows I suddenly saw Bog Eye. I thought that I had better report this back to the Great Jack Morgan without further ado: “There was Bog-Eye looking pretty smart. He also seems to be about twenty years younger than when he taught us. There is no indication in his manner that he knew nothing about any of the subjects he was employed to teach. I have been rather disappointed not to receive any comment or feedback from any Googlies readers on Bog-Eye following his mention in the last issue. This could have become a cult topic and perhaps, maybe, still will. But it could be down to us.” His reply was extraordinary for one so knowledgeable about everything else. “Bog Eye: I know nothing about him so you will have to turn him into the cult!”
I then responded: “How can you not know about Bog Eye? I thought that you knew everything about everything? Let’s start with something easy. Was he formally on Nick’s Geography staff? Who else taught geography? What other subjects did he pretend to have the basis of knowledge to be able to teach? What was wrong with his eye? Was it a war wound or the result of a conker competition that got out of hand? Maybe he had a gratis position like Eric’s sister’s husband who was given a teaching post after RAF service. No doubt geography was considered safe enough but he wouldn’t have been let loose in the chemistry labs. Who do you think would have the answers to these questions? Perhaps I should try the Professor?”
And so I went cap in hand to the Professor: “You may be my last source of information on this fascinating topic?” And the Professor didn’t let me down:
“Bog-eye taught me Maths. In truth I don't remember too much about it but he must have planted some seeds since I have spent many hours in the past thirty years with the delights of matrix algebra and differential calculus. The only two things I can remember are:
First, that he was very keen on opera - being Welsh he delighted in singing and once bought his Enrico Caruso records in for us to listen to. You can imagine how appreciative 15-year-old boys were to the sound of these crackly discs. If he is still alive he will have been singing ever since Saturday (when Wales completed the grand slam).
Secondly, I will always remember the equation for simple interest. You, of course, as a Chartered Accountant, will know that Principal x Time x Rate divided by 100 produces the result. The man from South Wales unforgettably presented PTR over 100 as "the Port Talbot Railway on wheels".”
Red Mist Matters
Our man Shahid Red Mist Afridi has been up to his old tricks again. No sooner had he stepped off the plane in the Caribbean than he set to work unceremoniously on the locals. He opened the batting for Pakistan against the Antigua and Barbuda President’s XI in their only warm up fixture before the one-day series and scored 104 off just 46 deliveries in an innings which included eight sixes. The BBC website noted that “he played some amazing shots, including a wristy flick off pacer Ricky Christopher out of the ground into the nearby churchyard at St. John’s, and a cover off the same bowler for another six”. His innings facilitated a massive 366 for 7 from fifty overs. When the home side batted our man chipped in with 4 for 6 from 6.4 overs.
In the Cheltenham and Gloucester first round match at Wormsley, Andrew Crook scored 162 not out for Lancashire against Bucks in a total of 370 for 4. However, his effort was somewhat overshadowed by Glen Chapple who scored the fastest half-century in the competition’s history off only sixteen balls.
Rangers Reminiscences
Whilst checking things out at the Oval Cousin Jim Revier asked the Great Jack Morgan for his all time Rangers XI. He duly obliged with this formidable bunch:
1 Phil Parkes
2 Paul Parker
3 Kenny Sansom
4 Terry Fenwick
5 Steve Wicks
6 Gerry Francis
7 Trevor Francis
8 Stan Bowles
9 Les Ferdinand
10 Rodney Marsh
11. Andy Sinton
T Francis plays on the right side of midfield, where he had an impressive spell for the Rangers in 1988, and I always thought that Rodney was at his best when making his runs from slightly deeper positions as he did in his heyday, when the front three were M Lazarus, L Allen and R Morgan, so he plays slightly behind the front two of Stan and Les.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 32 It seems ridiculous on the television but the over enthusiastic encouragement given to bowlers in the modern game is even more ludicrous when witnessed live. At Headingley when Ian Blackwell came on to bowl a few overs of his innocuous slow left armers, the fielders oohed and aahed with every delivery as if it was a major achievement to propel the ball in roughly the right direction. The fact that each delivery found the middle of the bat was apparently immaterial. The modern bowler is apparently so insecure that he needs this boost to his self esteem every ball.
Strange Elevens
Last month’s bunch have all opened the batting in a Test Match for England. The Great Jack Morgan has selected this side for you to ponder this month:
Darren Bicknell
Ken Rutherford
Paul Johnson
Carl Hooper
Graham Lloyd
Ian Harvey
Chris Cairns
Martin Speight (w/k)
Matthew Fleming
Ian Austin
Richard Johnson
All you have to do is decide which Jazz Hat they qualify for.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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