GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 45
September 2006
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor has had a busy month but he found time to update us on his activities
What with there being rather less cricket at the Oval than one would have wished, I decided to have another look at the “grass roots” of the game. (I wonder where that metaphor comes from, by the way, - “roots” I can just about get, but why “grass”?) Anyway, I resolved to toddle over to Keswick to look at Hertfordshire v. Cumberland (pretty much the “wooden spoon” of the Minor Counties Championship). Welwyn Garden City had four players in the team – so I thought I would go and give them some support. In truth it’s a bit more than a toddle from here – but the scenery is splendid. Also I suppose Minor County cricket is not quite “grass roots” – more like a little way up the stem.
Anyway, I’d not been to Keswick Cricket Club before, but some of your readers may know it. In the middle of the Lake District one must be a bit pushed to find a stretch of flat land, but there is a bit which, in this case, takes the form of a public park, almost in the centre of town. The ground is rather better than that makes it sound and it does have the advantage of the spectacular backdrop of Skidaw. Unfortunately, in addition to mountains, the other thing the Lakes are famous for is rain. In this drought-ridden year they had sufficient rain to reduce the match from three days to one and even that was not completed. Still it was a nice enough way to spend some time – the Hertford batsman Cordingley got a very good hundred and it was pleasant to talk to some of the locals. The topic of the day was, of course, The Forfeit Test. There seemed to be general support for Hair – “rules is rules” as one chap said to me (by which, I assume he meant: “laws is laws”) but I did find someone who declared that “Darrell Hair is an arsehole”; although I think he may have come from New Zealand. There seems to have been an enormous amount of tosh written (and spoken) about this already. My entry for the daftest was one of the Radio 4 team, (I think Fraser), who said that since you were permitted to maintain (or even improve) the ball by polishing, why should you not be able to speed its deterioration. Presumably a cheese grater would become standard issue under such a regime. If it was Fraser, he is on the ICC or ECB or some other shambolic set of gerontocrats which would in part explain why we are in such a mess. Hair, who would seem to lack a sense of proportion (and possibly humour) attempted to reverse that impression today by saying that he thought it was all too much fuss “After all…nobody died”. Selvey, in yesterday’s Gruaniad raised questions about the England teams’ use of sticky sweets to impregnate their saliva…while not naming names he did express surprise that some of them still had all their own teeth.
Meanwhile, right at the “roots”, you will be pleased to know that Welwyn Garden City had a good win on Saturday with young Nick Lamb (son of Tim) getting a not out hundred, and all ten opposition wickets being taken by our two off-spinners who bowled unchanged with the old (non-tampered) ball. WGC are now 10 behind Radlett and if we can stay in touch the stage will be nicely set for the final game of the season which is at home against…Radlett.
Mind you, reports from the Home Valley Premiership (into which we would be promoted) have raised some eyebrows. The biggest drawback to date, that people bring up, is the vast amount of travelling involved in a league which stretches from Basingstoke in the southwest, to Bishops Stortford in the east, and as far north as Oxford. However the story is that last week the High Wycombe v. Slough game descended into a “20-man punch-up” after a High Wycombe player (one Nantie Hayward, no less) was “jostled” by a Slough man. As our captain Martin James eloquently puts it: “I’m 45 years of age and a bit old for fisty-fucking-cuffs”. He also thinks he might be a bit old for facing Nantie Hayward, but we all have faith in him… especially from our positions in the pavilion.
On a very different topic I doubt you will have seen a very interesting piece in last Sunday’s Observer about the advance of British Asians in first class cricket. As you know, it is my contention that these players (and their forbears) have been disadvantaged by covertly racist County committees. Indeed in an earlier Googlies I suggested that some part of the solution to the (then) poor England displays might lay in promoting such players. It’s a rare (almost unique) experience to find some vindication in the events of the last couple of years…but there we are. Indeed, have you noticed how the improvement in England’s performances has correlated so closely with your “Project Salvation” campaign? Forget Fletcher, the nation should be told about your seminal contribution, James. The article mentioned more than 30 “Asian” players who qualify for England and a pretty useful lot they are. Let’s hope that they all get a fair crack at making it into the side. Of course about a dozen of them were not born in the UK but that would only be of concern to the few remaining xenophobes in and around County cricket and none of them, I feel sure, would be among your readership.
Teflon, Kent and Fletch Matters
The Great Jack Morgan explains all about, just about everything
What a fantastic prediction about Jonesy getting the axe! Will Geraint manage to get enough runs to hold on to his place in the Kent team? I have seen quite a bit of Niall O’Brien in the last two or three years and I think he is the better keeper. I think it will be hard to emulate such an uncanny prophesy, but I am going to have a go at translating Fletch’s less than fulsome praise of Monty. . Some commentators have interpreted this to mean that Dunc did not want Monty in the team and that he has somehow allowed himself to be overruled by his minions David Graveney and Geoff Miller.
However, I believe that this wrong because i) if Fletcher didn’t want Monty in the team, he would not be in it, simple as that; and ii) he is much too shrewd a judge not to realise that a jewel has fallen in to his lap. I believe that he is actually having a go at Graveney and Miller. So “Monty bowled quite well today, but how can we balance the team when he is in the side” actually means “it is all the fault of those wankers Graveney and Miller. I keep telling them that we want multi-dimensional players, but all they bring me are bowlers who can’t bat and batters who can’t bowl. So instead of all-rounders at six and eight we have a batsman at six and a bowler at eight, which weakens both the batting and the bowling”.
Fletch may also, of course, be a) trying to confuse the opposition; and b) trying to inspire Monty to greater heights with the bat and in the field (with some success, I think). He also does a nice line in faint praise e.g. he “praised” Plunkett’s batting by saying that he “had the potential to be a no 9”, which was very faint praise indeed because poor Liam had been batting at no 8! And why didn’t Graveney announce that Flintoff was still England captain? Presumably because he actually has a chance of regaining the captaincy.
Spectator Kit
The Professor has made reference in these pages to the baggage taken to cricket matches by the Great Jack Morgan and, in turn, I have also referred to the cavernous Poachers Pocket in the Professor’s favourite jacket. However, it is time to consider what kit the spectator should have with him to enjoy a day’s cricket watching. I decided to split the items into three categories-Essential, Desirable and Luxury & Naff.
1. Essential
Ticket to get in
The current year’s Playfair annual
Today’s paper
Sunglasses
A beverage, hot or cold according to season
Enough food to avoid needing to visit the rarely open vendors stalls
Telescopic umbrella
Sun cream
Waterproof clothing
2. Desirable/optional
The Cricketer’s Who’s Who,
Cushion,
Binoculars
Golf umbrella
Peaked hat
Sweater for ill prepared colleague
Wisden
The County Second XI manual
Shooting stick
Radio to check test match progress
Toilet roll
3. Luxury/Naff
Hamper with cutlery and crystal glasses
All Wisdens since the war
Folding chair
Speed gun to verify bowling speeds
Simon Hughes, so that he can tell you what is going on
Fancy dress outfit, if it’s a test match Saturday
Selection of club ties in case you want a quick change to impress someone you bump into
Hip flask disguised as a pencil case
Light meter to contest umpires’ decisions
Spare toilet roll
Your homemade Hawkeye kit
Trumpet to play Jerusalem on
Michael Gardner at Headingley with the Full Monty
Xenophobia and all that Jazz
The Great Jack Morgan insisted that I publish this
Xenophobes everywhere will be delighted that there will only be one overseas player from 2008 and I agree that the amount of cricket played abroad during the northern summer is now making it impossible to find players who are available for the whole season, but let us be clear that this will lead to a deterioration in the standard of county cricket. Standards in Second XI cricket are so low at present that the missing international class player will be replaced by someone who is not even of first class standard: why the xenophobes think that this will help English cricket is beyond me. You should publish this side of the argument in order to balance out your tendency to favour the xenophobes.
The White Rose is Disgraced
I have been to Headingley twice this season. The received wisdom is that Yorkshiremen know and love the game of cricket. Not any more. I wrote last month about how the good folk of Yorkshire elected to watch Beckham’s Losers rather than the historic and record breaking run chase by the Sri Lankans. I went again for the first day of the Pakistan test. On both occasions I witnessed a very strange new phenomenon, which sadly reflects very poorly on the native Yorkshiremen who must be responsible.
In areas where the crowd are prone to break into song those with little interest in the proceedings on the pitch collect up the plastic mugs that are used for serving beer. They pile them up, accumulating vast numbers of mugs and then hold them up horizontally above their heads. In some cases it requires several morons to accomplish this feat. On the West Stand the spectators in front of this act stood up, turned round and watched the ridiculous spectacle.
Proud Yorkshiremen playing at Headingley
I was sitting on the opposite side of the ground where the spectators to my left were so impressed by this activity that they countered with their own beer mug snake. Other spectators became caught up in this ridiculous spectacle and started to applaud the competing factions. Whilst this cacophony was in progress KP went to his century on the pitch. If you were watching on television or listening on the radio and heard applause as he reached three figures you can be forgiven for thinking that it was for him. I regret to inform you that it was actually for the beer mug snake men.
Why do these prats pay a lot of money to go test matches? They could spend a fraction of the cost of a ticket on plastic mugs at their local Cash and Carry and play with them in their gardens at home to their hearts content without inflicting themselves on the rest of us.
Before Eric Stephens or any other Yorkshire readers start to try to defend themselves perhaps they would care to address the absence of applause by these same Yorkshiremen for the magnificent stroke play by Khan and Youssef? Still you Yorkshiremen are good at fancy dress, but who cares?
International Come One Club
Inzy’s membership of the International Come One Club has been suspended following his direct hit which ran Ian Bell out when Andrew Strauss called him for a quick single to complete his hundred. He went on to prove that it hadn’t been a fluke by having another direct hit later in the innings. He nevertheless had a ready replacement in Master Batsman But Crap Fielder, Mohammed Yousuf. At Headingley the ball seemed to follow him around and he repeatedly made a hash of fielding it. Incomprehensively he found himself at cover for some of this time and the England side ran one to him at will.
The Bowlers Lament
In July Mike Selvey wrote an article in The Guardian entitled “True love comes from bowling a maiden over”. This prompted David Tune to write to Peter Ray. Our white-coated correspondent sent it on to me together with his reply.
Peter Ray: A former bowling colleague at Richmond CC, David Tune - no natural athlete and, indeed, a carthorse who manufactured himself by brain and will into a competent bowler; competent enough that, one season when he claimed his wicket three times, he began to refer to Mike Milton (to his face!) as "my bunny" - sent me Mike Selvey's article in case I had not seen it. You may be interested in it, and perhaps in my reply. All my life, I used to vow that I would never say what one sometimes used to hear said in one's youth, namely, that "it was better in our day". The sad truth is that I am now forced into saying it, and it is undoubtedly true. The awful thought now occurs. Were they right and was it really better in their day? One thinks back to what one saw of people like the great Henry Malcolm; like Bob Talbot and Jim Wyman at Shepherds' Bush; like Bob Pipe and Stan Parlett at Wembley, and so forth. What were they like before WW2? How good cricket may have been back then. Perhaps they were telling like it is and there has been a steady decline, arrested partly by a few good players, since......when?
David Tune: I knew you would understand. If you recall Dai Thomas used to lambaste me on a regular basis for ranting at David Lenny Kopak for spraying the new ball about while I was trying to keep it tight, uphill and into the wind, at the other end. Watching the first eleven bowlers today is not good for my well being. If I were member of the attack I daresay I would be suspended from all cricket for hammering the ground and chewing the grass being unable to speak.
Peter Ray - There are those who tell me now that I do not understand the modern game which, I am reliably informed, has changed. They are right. I do not understand the modern game if, by that, they mean a game, which ignores the fundamentals. Such things - fundamentals - like the law of gravity and the sun rising each morning and setting again at night, do not change. Only the value placed upon them by players and witch-doctor-coaches change. On Saturday, I had the misfortune to umpire a Division 3 match, Kenton v Wycombe House, played at Kenton on a pitch resembling the Gobi desert. Had I bowled on it, I would have been disappointed to have taken less than ten very cheaply, assuming that the bowler at the other end had somehow failed to cash in on the one or possibly two overs he might have had. Although both teams had bowlers who were able to turn the ball at least eighteen inches despite minimal rotation, every wicket that fell - excluding two taken by the Kenton captain/opening bowler when he bowled the last two Wycombe House batsmen with straight half-volleys - every wicket that fell was completely accidental and the dismissal was unconnected with whatever intention, if any beyond getting the ball to the other end, the bowler may have had. All lbw appeals made at my end ignored the laws of cricket, geometry and probability. Both teams were allegedly 'first' teams. Neither could have guaranteed victory, or even avoidance of defeat, against the Wembley 3rd team of the 1950s and 1960s. Wembley 2nd team of those eras would have beaten each by an innings. Change, alas, is not necessarily progress. This is true in cricket, just as it usually is in politics. Nevertheless, as Pope says, Hope springs eternal in the human breast. On the other hand, he follows with; Man never is, but always to be, blest. We must keep our fingers crossed for the young Selvey.
Match Report The following Pro40 Match took place at Old Trafford on Wednesday 16 August 2006 between Lancashire and Middlesex
Middlesex won the toss and elected to bat. Weekes played instead of Dalrymple, opened the batting and took eleven from Cork’s first four deliveries. The total reached 21 after thirteen deliveries but then Weekes was given out caught down the leg side (he didn’t walk, but the appeal was pretty confident all round). Shah then came in, did a lot of blocking and monopolised the strike. By the end of the fielding restrictions he and Smith had only added another forty three runs. Smith, who had looked in no trouble, then gave a tame return catch to Keedy in his first over. This brought in Joyce and Keedy’s first delivery to him pitched outside the off stump and was taken by Sutton down the legside. This was interesting bearing in mind what had happened here on the first morning of the test match and may have explained why Middlesex had substituted Peploe for Silverwood before the start. Professional cricketers these days are completely freaked by any deviation, whether as a result of seam or spin, and Shah and Joyce decided that survival was all that could be achieved against Keedy and the gentle looping leg spin of Simon Marshall. The score progressed almost exclusively in singles until Shah clubbed Marshall for six. But when Joyce danced down the wicket to Keedy he missed and was stumped by miles. At this point Middlesex were 146 for 3 with only nine overs remaining.
Styris brought a little urgency to proceedings with his uncomplicated muscular hitting but boundaries were still scarce. By the end of the thirty-fifth over the total was still only 174 for 3, with Shah on 83. But then Styris holed out, which brought Morgan to the crease. He looked pretty good and hit a six, which Marshall caught at long on but then fell over the line. Shah took fourteen from the first three balls of the thirty-seventh over that took him past a hundred. He then ran out both Morgan and Compton by refusing quick singles. Compton’s only delivery received was a low straight full toss from Chapple. He stepped outside the off stump and flicked it for six over fine leg. Middlesex finished on 244 for 6 having scored 79 from the last six overs, of which Shah scored 44 to finish with 125 not out.
By the end of the Middlesex innings at 7.15pm it was drizzling and soon after that I was sitting under a golf umbrella wearing all the clothes that I had brought with me. By 8.15pm it was still pissing down and the locals persuaded me that it was in for the night and that there would be no more play. I decided to call it a day and so drove home. It had stopped raining by the time I got home at 9.30pm and so I switched on the television and found out that play was about to restart. Our old pals Duckworth and Lewis had determined that Lancashire needed to score 93 from twelve overs to win the match. It is interesting that in this situation the number of wickets they lose is immaterial and so it seemed a fairly simple ask particularly against a Middlesex attack that is anything but economical.
The ground had been almost half full earlier when Middlesex had been batting but now the crowd was sparse and scattered when Chad Keegan beat Mal Loye with his first ball as he tried to hit it out of the ground. He succeeded with the second that sailed over square leg for six but he was adjudged LBW from the third. Stuart Law is an unwelcome batsman at any stage but he obligingly stepped outside off stump and helped a long hop gently to square leg, so that Lancashire finished the first over at 6 for 2. Styris bowled at the other end and after scoring a boundary Cross skied a big hit which was held by Scott to make the score 13 for 3. Astle and Chilton added 36 to take the score to 49 after five overs but then Peploe came on to replace Styris and he immediately turned the ball prodigiously. This mesmerised Chilton who marched down the wicket and was stumped by half the length of the pitch. At this point it became conceivable that Middlesex could win but Lancashire needed so few runs anything could happen.
Joey Loey (Louw) replaced Keegan, who had completed his maximum three overs, and Astle obligingly holed out to make the score 59 for 5, but Lancashire still only needed 34 from 5 overs. Peploe concede only three runs from his second over to finish with 1 for 4, and then in the next over Chapple was run out going for a second to Smith at long off. Lancashire bats a long way down and it seemed disastrous when Scott called for and then failed to lay a glove on a skier from Sutton.
Styris brought Weekes on to bowl the tenth over and he obliged by firing it in off his one step run up. Hogg holed out to reduce Lancashire to 66 for 7 but then Joyce dropped Sutton on the mid wicket boundary and Lancashire needed nineteen from the last two overs. Louw yorked Sutton and for the first time a Middlesex win looked probable rather than possible. In the final over Weekes fired in a medium paced yorker to bowl Marshall and then caught and bowled Keedy. Middlesex won by the substantial margin, in the circumstances, of twelve runs and Lancashire had been bowled out in just twelve overs. What was happening at 10.20pm seemed to bear no relationship to what had taken place earlier in the day.
Red Mist Matters
Jim Revier sent me a newspaper cutting from the Acton Gazette, which had been forwarded to him by his Mum. Do all Mums forward press cuttings? The article featured the Shepherds Bush third eleven match at Muswell Hill earlier this season. Jim explains that Kunal Goklany must have been travelling with John Allport since the Bush had already lost a couple of wickets by the time he arrived on the ground. But he quickly made up for lost time and hit a league best ever 256 in the final tally of 410 for 3. His innings featured nineteen sixes and twenty eight fours.
Googlies Postbag
I received the following note from Don Lunn
I would just like to say how much I enjoy reading "Googlies and Chinamen". I spent my days at the "Bush" in the company of Bob Talbot, Jim Wyman and Alvin Nienow to name but a few, oh, and I almost forgot, David Jukes! So every now and then you bring back some wonderful memories, particularly in this edition when you speak about Peter Ray. Bob Talbot used to wind him up a treat before dispatching him over the Wasps stand!
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket Number 39
Watching the England side in the field is becoming increasingly like watching American Football with players constantly shuffling on and off the pitch. No satisfactory explanation is ever put forward as to why these guys seem unable to spend an uninterrupted two hours on the field. At Headingly things took a new twist when they started going off in pairs and on one occasion in a trio, reminiscent of girls going to the toilets at a school dance. In fact it may be that they are going off to the toilet, but it seems unlikely that they are suffering from old man’s bladder at their tender years. Perhaps if they had fewer drinks breaks they would have less need to leave the field.
One of those making regular visits to the dressing room was Andrew Strauss. One can only assume that he felt it necessary to check with Fletch before he made each bowling change.
Strange Elevens
I replied to the Great Jack Morgan’s side in last month’s edition as follows: “I was pretty smug about the non test-playing tourists but haven’t made much progress with the Clinton side. They could all be guys who have shaved their heads but that is too commonplace these days. It’s nothing to do with international cricket (Nash), emigrating (Lock), hitting nine consecutive sixes (Barnett), boxing (Sutcliffe), scoring triple centuries (Crawley), two brothers playing first class cricket (Crawley), three counties (Wharf has others haven’t), tours (Barnett didn’t), captains (several didn’t), all rounders (only Shepherd was). It maybe, of course, that you witnessed them all achieving their best performance in one day matches or that their favourite band of all time is Led Zeppelin or that their nickname is in every case Fatso.”
He replied: “Shaven heads? Those blokes are all naturally bald! If any of them shaved their heads (like Nash) it was only because they had already lost 90% of their barnet anyway. To be safe, we could just say that they are all bald. What do you make of these?”
Mushtaq Ali
Allan Rae
Brian Luckhurst
Ken Suttle
Richard Langridge
Charlie Palmer
Geoff Millman (w/k)
Eknath Solkar
Charlie Stayers
Fazal Mahmood
Peter Heine
All you have to do is identify what Jazz Hat they have in common.
Caption Competition Update
I published the following photo last month and made some suggestions for captions. Steve Thompson came up with a couple more.
1. Bob Peach: What's that you're drinking John?
John Williams: A gottle of Guinness
Allen Bruton: I bet he can't say, ' Bob was a brilliant batsman and bowler'
2. Bob Peach: Oh come on John, you’re not still doing those Dave Allen impersonations.
Football Matters
I have eventually made contact with Andrew Baker, the new manager of Kelvin West’s local park side. He explained to me that his team had had their kit stolen whilst he was busy with them in the showers. He is now looking for a sponsor to put his name on their chests. He sent me the following photograph to elicit your sympathy and see if anybody can help his team out.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Tel & fax: 01298 70237
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 45
September 2006
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor has had a busy month but he found time to update us on his activities
What with there being rather less cricket at the Oval than one would have wished, I decided to have another look at the “grass roots” of the game. (I wonder where that metaphor comes from, by the way, - “roots” I can just about get, but why “grass”?) Anyway, I resolved to toddle over to Keswick to look at Hertfordshire v. Cumberland (pretty much the “wooden spoon” of the Minor Counties Championship). Welwyn Garden City had four players in the team – so I thought I would go and give them some support. In truth it’s a bit more than a toddle from here – but the scenery is splendid. Also I suppose Minor County cricket is not quite “grass roots” – more like a little way up the stem.
Anyway, I’d not been to Keswick Cricket Club before, but some of your readers may know it. In the middle of the Lake District one must be a bit pushed to find a stretch of flat land, but there is a bit which, in this case, takes the form of a public park, almost in the centre of town. The ground is rather better than that makes it sound and it does have the advantage of the spectacular backdrop of Skidaw. Unfortunately, in addition to mountains, the other thing the Lakes are famous for is rain. In this drought-ridden year they had sufficient rain to reduce the match from three days to one and even that was not completed. Still it was a nice enough way to spend some time – the Hertford batsman Cordingley got a very good hundred and it was pleasant to talk to some of the locals. The topic of the day was, of course, The Forfeit Test. There seemed to be general support for Hair – “rules is rules” as one chap said to me (by which, I assume he meant: “laws is laws”) but I did find someone who declared that “Darrell Hair is an arsehole”; although I think he may have come from New Zealand. There seems to have been an enormous amount of tosh written (and spoken) about this already. My entry for the daftest was one of the Radio 4 team, (I think Fraser), who said that since you were permitted to maintain (or even improve) the ball by polishing, why should you not be able to speed its deterioration. Presumably a cheese grater would become standard issue under such a regime. If it was Fraser, he is on the ICC or ECB or some other shambolic set of gerontocrats which would in part explain why we are in such a mess. Hair, who would seem to lack a sense of proportion (and possibly humour) attempted to reverse that impression today by saying that he thought it was all too much fuss “After all…nobody died”. Selvey, in yesterday’s Gruaniad raised questions about the England teams’ use of sticky sweets to impregnate their saliva…while not naming names he did express surprise that some of them still had all their own teeth.
Meanwhile, right at the “roots”, you will be pleased to know that Welwyn Garden City had a good win on Saturday with young Nick Lamb (son of Tim) getting a not out hundred, and all ten opposition wickets being taken by our two off-spinners who bowled unchanged with the old (non-tampered) ball. WGC are now 10 behind Radlett and if we can stay in touch the stage will be nicely set for the final game of the season which is at home against…Radlett.
Mind you, reports from the Home Valley Premiership (into which we would be promoted) have raised some eyebrows. The biggest drawback to date, that people bring up, is the vast amount of travelling involved in a league which stretches from Basingstoke in the southwest, to Bishops Stortford in the east, and as far north as Oxford. However the story is that last week the High Wycombe v. Slough game descended into a “20-man punch-up” after a High Wycombe player (one Nantie Hayward, no less) was “jostled” by a Slough man. As our captain Martin James eloquently puts it: “I’m 45 years of age and a bit old for fisty-fucking-cuffs”. He also thinks he might be a bit old for facing Nantie Hayward, but we all have faith in him… especially from our positions in the pavilion.
On a very different topic I doubt you will have seen a very interesting piece in last Sunday’s Observer about the advance of British Asians in first class cricket. As you know, it is my contention that these players (and their forbears) have been disadvantaged by covertly racist County committees. Indeed in an earlier Googlies I suggested that some part of the solution to the (then) poor England displays might lay in promoting such players. It’s a rare (almost unique) experience to find some vindication in the events of the last couple of years…but there we are. Indeed, have you noticed how the improvement in England’s performances has correlated so closely with your “Project Salvation” campaign? Forget Fletcher, the nation should be told about your seminal contribution, James. The article mentioned more than 30 “Asian” players who qualify for England and a pretty useful lot they are. Let’s hope that they all get a fair crack at making it into the side. Of course about a dozen of them were not born in the UK but that would only be of concern to the few remaining xenophobes in and around County cricket and none of them, I feel sure, would be among your readership.
Teflon, Kent and Fletch Matters
The Great Jack Morgan explains all about, just about everything
What a fantastic prediction about Jonesy getting the axe! Will Geraint manage to get enough runs to hold on to his place in the Kent team? I have seen quite a bit of Niall O’Brien in the last two or three years and I think he is the better keeper. I think it will be hard to emulate such an uncanny prophesy, but I am going to have a go at translating Fletch’s less than fulsome praise of Monty. . Some commentators have interpreted this to mean that Dunc did not want Monty in the team and that he has somehow allowed himself to be overruled by his minions David Graveney and Geoff Miller.
However, I believe that this wrong because i) if Fletcher didn’t want Monty in the team, he would not be in it, simple as that; and ii) he is much too shrewd a judge not to realise that a jewel has fallen in to his lap. I believe that he is actually having a go at Graveney and Miller. So “Monty bowled quite well today, but how can we balance the team when he is in the side” actually means “it is all the fault of those wankers Graveney and Miller. I keep telling them that we want multi-dimensional players, but all they bring me are bowlers who can’t bat and batters who can’t bowl. So instead of all-rounders at six and eight we have a batsman at six and a bowler at eight, which weakens both the batting and the bowling”.
Fletch may also, of course, be a) trying to confuse the opposition; and b) trying to inspire Monty to greater heights with the bat and in the field (with some success, I think). He also does a nice line in faint praise e.g. he “praised” Plunkett’s batting by saying that he “had the potential to be a no 9”, which was very faint praise indeed because poor Liam had been batting at no 8! And why didn’t Graveney announce that Flintoff was still England captain? Presumably because he actually has a chance of regaining the captaincy.
Spectator Kit
The Professor has made reference in these pages to the baggage taken to cricket matches by the Great Jack Morgan and, in turn, I have also referred to the cavernous Poachers Pocket in the Professor’s favourite jacket. However, it is time to consider what kit the spectator should have with him to enjoy a day’s cricket watching. I decided to split the items into three categories-Essential, Desirable and Luxury & Naff.
1. Essential
Ticket to get in
The current year’s Playfair annual
Today’s paper
Sunglasses
A beverage, hot or cold according to season
Enough food to avoid needing to visit the rarely open vendors stalls
Telescopic umbrella
Sun cream
Waterproof clothing
2. Desirable/optional
The Cricketer’s Who’s Who,
Cushion,
Binoculars
Golf umbrella
Peaked hat
Sweater for ill prepared colleague
Wisden
The County Second XI manual
Shooting stick
Radio to check test match progress
Toilet roll
3. Luxury/Naff
Hamper with cutlery and crystal glasses
All Wisdens since the war
Folding chair
Speed gun to verify bowling speeds
Simon Hughes, so that he can tell you what is going on
Fancy dress outfit, if it’s a test match Saturday
Selection of club ties in case you want a quick change to impress someone you bump into
Hip flask disguised as a pencil case
Light meter to contest umpires’ decisions
Spare toilet roll
Your homemade Hawkeye kit
Trumpet to play Jerusalem on
Michael Gardner at Headingley with the Full Monty
Xenophobia and all that Jazz
The Great Jack Morgan insisted that I publish this
Xenophobes everywhere will be delighted that there will only be one overseas player from 2008 and I agree that the amount of cricket played abroad during the northern summer is now making it impossible to find players who are available for the whole season, but let us be clear that this will lead to a deterioration in the standard of county cricket. Standards in Second XI cricket are so low at present that the missing international class player will be replaced by someone who is not even of first class standard: why the xenophobes think that this will help English cricket is beyond me. You should publish this side of the argument in order to balance out your tendency to favour the xenophobes.
The White Rose is Disgraced
I have been to Headingley twice this season. The received wisdom is that Yorkshiremen know and love the game of cricket. Not any more. I wrote last month about how the good folk of Yorkshire elected to watch Beckham’s Losers rather than the historic and record breaking run chase by the Sri Lankans. I went again for the first day of the Pakistan test. On both occasions I witnessed a very strange new phenomenon, which sadly reflects very poorly on the native Yorkshiremen who must be responsible.
In areas where the crowd are prone to break into song those with little interest in the proceedings on the pitch collect up the plastic mugs that are used for serving beer. They pile them up, accumulating vast numbers of mugs and then hold them up horizontally above their heads. In some cases it requires several morons to accomplish this feat. On the West Stand the spectators in front of this act stood up, turned round and watched the ridiculous spectacle.
Proud Yorkshiremen playing at Headingley
I was sitting on the opposite side of the ground where the spectators to my left were so impressed by this activity that they countered with their own beer mug snake. Other spectators became caught up in this ridiculous spectacle and started to applaud the competing factions. Whilst this cacophony was in progress KP went to his century on the pitch. If you were watching on television or listening on the radio and heard applause as he reached three figures you can be forgiven for thinking that it was for him. I regret to inform you that it was actually for the beer mug snake men.
Why do these prats pay a lot of money to go test matches? They could spend a fraction of the cost of a ticket on plastic mugs at their local Cash and Carry and play with them in their gardens at home to their hearts content without inflicting themselves on the rest of us.
Before Eric Stephens or any other Yorkshire readers start to try to defend themselves perhaps they would care to address the absence of applause by these same Yorkshiremen for the magnificent stroke play by Khan and Youssef? Still you Yorkshiremen are good at fancy dress, but who cares?
International Come One Club
Inzy’s membership of the International Come One Club has been suspended following his direct hit which ran Ian Bell out when Andrew Strauss called him for a quick single to complete his hundred. He went on to prove that it hadn’t been a fluke by having another direct hit later in the innings. He nevertheless had a ready replacement in Master Batsman But Crap Fielder, Mohammed Yousuf. At Headingley the ball seemed to follow him around and he repeatedly made a hash of fielding it. Incomprehensively he found himself at cover for some of this time and the England side ran one to him at will.
The Bowlers Lament
In July Mike Selvey wrote an article in The Guardian entitled “True love comes from bowling a maiden over”. This prompted David Tune to write to Peter Ray. Our white-coated correspondent sent it on to me together with his reply.
Peter Ray: A former bowling colleague at Richmond CC, David Tune - no natural athlete and, indeed, a carthorse who manufactured himself by brain and will into a competent bowler; competent enough that, one season when he claimed his wicket three times, he began to refer to Mike Milton (to his face!) as "my bunny" - sent me Mike Selvey's article in case I had not seen it. You may be interested in it, and perhaps in my reply. All my life, I used to vow that I would never say what one sometimes used to hear said in one's youth, namely, that "it was better in our day". The sad truth is that I am now forced into saying it, and it is undoubtedly true. The awful thought now occurs. Were they right and was it really better in their day? One thinks back to what one saw of people like the great Henry Malcolm; like Bob Talbot and Jim Wyman at Shepherds' Bush; like Bob Pipe and Stan Parlett at Wembley, and so forth. What were they like before WW2? How good cricket may have been back then. Perhaps they were telling like it is and there has been a steady decline, arrested partly by a few good players, since......when?
David Tune: I knew you would understand. If you recall Dai Thomas used to lambaste me on a regular basis for ranting at David Lenny Kopak for spraying the new ball about while I was trying to keep it tight, uphill and into the wind, at the other end. Watching the first eleven bowlers today is not good for my well being. If I were member of the attack I daresay I would be suspended from all cricket for hammering the ground and chewing the grass being unable to speak.
Peter Ray - There are those who tell me now that I do not understand the modern game which, I am reliably informed, has changed. They are right. I do not understand the modern game if, by that, they mean a game, which ignores the fundamentals. Such things - fundamentals - like the law of gravity and the sun rising each morning and setting again at night, do not change. Only the value placed upon them by players and witch-doctor-coaches change. On Saturday, I had the misfortune to umpire a Division 3 match, Kenton v Wycombe House, played at Kenton on a pitch resembling the Gobi desert. Had I bowled on it, I would have been disappointed to have taken less than ten very cheaply, assuming that the bowler at the other end had somehow failed to cash in on the one or possibly two overs he might have had. Although both teams had bowlers who were able to turn the ball at least eighteen inches despite minimal rotation, every wicket that fell - excluding two taken by the Kenton captain/opening bowler when he bowled the last two Wycombe House batsmen with straight half-volleys - every wicket that fell was completely accidental and the dismissal was unconnected with whatever intention, if any beyond getting the ball to the other end, the bowler may have had. All lbw appeals made at my end ignored the laws of cricket, geometry and probability. Both teams were allegedly 'first' teams. Neither could have guaranteed victory, or even avoidance of defeat, against the Wembley 3rd team of the 1950s and 1960s. Wembley 2nd team of those eras would have beaten each by an innings. Change, alas, is not necessarily progress. This is true in cricket, just as it usually is in politics. Nevertheless, as Pope says, Hope springs eternal in the human breast. On the other hand, he follows with; Man never is, but always to be, blest. We must keep our fingers crossed for the young Selvey.
Match Report The following Pro40 Match took place at Old Trafford on Wednesday 16 August 2006 between Lancashire and Middlesex
Middlesex won the toss and elected to bat. Weekes played instead of Dalrymple, opened the batting and took eleven from Cork’s first four deliveries. The total reached 21 after thirteen deliveries but then Weekes was given out caught down the leg side (he didn’t walk, but the appeal was pretty confident all round). Shah then came in, did a lot of blocking and monopolised the strike. By the end of the fielding restrictions he and Smith had only added another forty three runs. Smith, who had looked in no trouble, then gave a tame return catch to Keedy in his first over. This brought in Joyce and Keedy’s first delivery to him pitched outside the off stump and was taken by Sutton down the legside. This was interesting bearing in mind what had happened here on the first morning of the test match and may have explained why Middlesex had substituted Peploe for Silverwood before the start. Professional cricketers these days are completely freaked by any deviation, whether as a result of seam or spin, and Shah and Joyce decided that survival was all that could be achieved against Keedy and the gentle looping leg spin of Simon Marshall. The score progressed almost exclusively in singles until Shah clubbed Marshall for six. But when Joyce danced down the wicket to Keedy he missed and was stumped by miles. At this point Middlesex were 146 for 3 with only nine overs remaining.
Styris brought a little urgency to proceedings with his uncomplicated muscular hitting but boundaries were still scarce. By the end of the thirty-fifth over the total was still only 174 for 3, with Shah on 83. But then Styris holed out, which brought Morgan to the crease. He looked pretty good and hit a six, which Marshall caught at long on but then fell over the line. Shah took fourteen from the first three balls of the thirty-seventh over that took him past a hundred. He then ran out both Morgan and Compton by refusing quick singles. Compton’s only delivery received was a low straight full toss from Chapple. He stepped outside the off stump and flicked it for six over fine leg. Middlesex finished on 244 for 6 having scored 79 from the last six overs, of which Shah scored 44 to finish with 125 not out.
By the end of the Middlesex innings at 7.15pm it was drizzling and soon after that I was sitting under a golf umbrella wearing all the clothes that I had brought with me. By 8.15pm it was still pissing down and the locals persuaded me that it was in for the night and that there would be no more play. I decided to call it a day and so drove home. It had stopped raining by the time I got home at 9.30pm and so I switched on the television and found out that play was about to restart. Our old pals Duckworth and Lewis had determined that Lancashire needed to score 93 from twelve overs to win the match. It is interesting that in this situation the number of wickets they lose is immaterial and so it seemed a fairly simple ask particularly against a Middlesex attack that is anything but economical.
The ground had been almost half full earlier when Middlesex had been batting but now the crowd was sparse and scattered when Chad Keegan beat Mal Loye with his first ball as he tried to hit it out of the ground. He succeeded with the second that sailed over square leg for six but he was adjudged LBW from the third. Stuart Law is an unwelcome batsman at any stage but he obligingly stepped outside off stump and helped a long hop gently to square leg, so that Lancashire finished the first over at 6 for 2. Styris bowled at the other end and after scoring a boundary Cross skied a big hit which was held by Scott to make the score 13 for 3. Astle and Chilton added 36 to take the score to 49 after five overs but then Peploe came on to replace Styris and he immediately turned the ball prodigiously. This mesmerised Chilton who marched down the wicket and was stumped by half the length of the pitch. At this point it became conceivable that Middlesex could win but Lancashire needed so few runs anything could happen.
Joey Loey (Louw) replaced Keegan, who had completed his maximum three overs, and Astle obligingly holed out to make the score 59 for 5, but Lancashire still only needed 34 from 5 overs. Peploe concede only three runs from his second over to finish with 1 for 4, and then in the next over Chapple was run out going for a second to Smith at long off. Lancashire bats a long way down and it seemed disastrous when Scott called for and then failed to lay a glove on a skier from Sutton.
Styris brought Weekes on to bowl the tenth over and he obliged by firing it in off his one step run up. Hogg holed out to reduce Lancashire to 66 for 7 but then Joyce dropped Sutton on the mid wicket boundary and Lancashire needed nineteen from the last two overs. Louw yorked Sutton and for the first time a Middlesex win looked probable rather than possible. In the final over Weekes fired in a medium paced yorker to bowl Marshall and then caught and bowled Keedy. Middlesex won by the substantial margin, in the circumstances, of twelve runs and Lancashire had been bowled out in just twelve overs. What was happening at 10.20pm seemed to bear no relationship to what had taken place earlier in the day.
Red Mist Matters
Jim Revier sent me a newspaper cutting from the Acton Gazette, which had been forwarded to him by his Mum. Do all Mums forward press cuttings? The article featured the Shepherds Bush third eleven match at Muswell Hill earlier this season. Jim explains that Kunal Goklany must have been travelling with John Allport since the Bush had already lost a couple of wickets by the time he arrived on the ground. But he quickly made up for lost time and hit a league best ever 256 in the final tally of 410 for 3. His innings featured nineteen sixes and twenty eight fours.
Googlies Postbag
I received the following note from Don Lunn
I would just like to say how much I enjoy reading "Googlies and Chinamen". I spent my days at the "Bush" in the company of Bob Talbot, Jim Wyman and Alvin Nienow to name but a few, oh, and I almost forgot, David Jukes! So every now and then you bring back some wonderful memories, particularly in this edition when you speak about Peter Ray. Bob Talbot used to wind him up a treat before dispatching him over the Wasps stand!
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket Number 39
Watching the England side in the field is becoming increasingly like watching American Football with players constantly shuffling on and off the pitch. No satisfactory explanation is ever put forward as to why these guys seem unable to spend an uninterrupted two hours on the field. At Headingly things took a new twist when they started going off in pairs and on one occasion in a trio, reminiscent of girls going to the toilets at a school dance. In fact it may be that they are going off to the toilet, but it seems unlikely that they are suffering from old man’s bladder at their tender years. Perhaps if they had fewer drinks breaks they would have less need to leave the field.
One of those making regular visits to the dressing room was Andrew Strauss. One can only assume that he felt it necessary to check with Fletch before he made each bowling change.
Strange Elevens
I replied to the Great Jack Morgan’s side in last month’s edition as follows: “I was pretty smug about the non test-playing tourists but haven’t made much progress with the Clinton side. They could all be guys who have shaved their heads but that is too commonplace these days. It’s nothing to do with international cricket (Nash), emigrating (Lock), hitting nine consecutive sixes (Barnett), boxing (Sutcliffe), scoring triple centuries (Crawley), two brothers playing first class cricket (Crawley), three counties (Wharf has others haven’t), tours (Barnett didn’t), captains (several didn’t), all rounders (only Shepherd was). It maybe, of course, that you witnessed them all achieving their best performance in one day matches or that their favourite band of all time is Led Zeppelin or that their nickname is in every case Fatso.”
He replied: “Shaven heads? Those blokes are all naturally bald! If any of them shaved their heads (like Nash) it was only because they had already lost 90% of their barnet anyway. To be safe, we could just say that they are all bald. What do you make of these?”
Mushtaq Ali
Allan Rae
Brian Luckhurst
Ken Suttle
Richard Langridge
Charlie Palmer
Geoff Millman (w/k)
Eknath Solkar
Charlie Stayers
Fazal Mahmood
Peter Heine
All you have to do is identify what Jazz Hat they have in common.
Caption Competition Update
I published the following photo last month and made some suggestions for captions. Steve Thompson came up with a couple more.
1. Bob Peach: What's that you're drinking John?
John Williams: A gottle of Guinness
Allen Bruton: I bet he can't say, ' Bob was a brilliant batsman and bowler'
2. Bob Peach: Oh come on John, you’re not still doing those Dave Allen impersonations.
Football Matters
I have eventually made contact with Andrew Baker, the new manager of Kelvin West’s local park side. He explained to me that his team had had their kit stolen whilst he was busy with them in the showers. He is now looking for a sponsor to put his name on their chests. He sent me the following photograph to elicit your sympathy and see if anybody can help his team out.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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James Sharp
Broad Lee House
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