G&C 250
GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 250
October 2023
Spot the Ball
The Professor sent me this photo from Headingley as his beloved Yorkshire took the field against Worcestershire
“Darren who?”
So…Surrey champions and Middlesex relegated. Time was when down the Harleyford Road that would have brought, if not wild celebration, at least a smug smile or two. Not, I think, any longer. I doubt if one person in fifty walking past the Oval ground would be able to say what happened in this years’ County Championship. There was the briefest of mentions in the newspapers and I heard one reference on a TV sports programme. Some years’ ago, Michael Atherton wrote in Wisden that county cricket served no useful purpose, and I doubt that he will have changed his view. It is, of course, where Test players come from, but having achieved Test status those players all but disappear from the county sides.
Durham would seem to be returning to the Division where they belong; the bowling of Raine and Potts and the runs of Lees and Bedingham always made them look likely Division 2 winners. They won half their games and the points margin of 66 was as decisive as it could be. By contrast, from what I saw of Worcestershire, they might struggle to stay in the top Division. They get runs from Libby and D’Oliveira (petit fils) but the bowling didn’t look too threatening and Yorkshire knocked off 360-odd in their last match without too much difficulty to win by six wickets.
Milnes bowling to Libby on a seamer friendly pitch: first morning of the home match against Worcestershire
Away from the pitch, Yorkshire were able to focus on what they do best – hold EGMs. I don’t quite know how many Ordinary/Extraordinary/Annual general meetings we have had in the past two years, I suppose it’s not yet into double figures – it just feels like it. This latest one was about some opaque changes to the constitutional rules and would normally have attracted an attendance of a dozen at most…but not this year. The Yorkshire “Long Room” was pretty packed for the early morning meeting, and we all had just one question.
The new Chief Executive, Stephen Vaughan, was determined to be open and transparent with the membership and was anxious to answer any questions about the Club “going forward”.
The members had a question.
The new “Chair Elect”, Harry Chathii , was also determined that we should all now be able to put the past behind us: we had paid the fine, accepted the points deduction, and were now focused on putting the: “best known cricket club in the world” in its proper place. Splendid, but, er, what about our question?
Well the Board were keen to be open and honest about anything that the members….Oh, for god’s sake! Can you just answer our question?
“Well, who is going to ask it?”
Step forward from the ranks of the “ordinary members” the man of the people who is Sir Geoffrey Boycott.
“Well, Sir Geoffrey, what is your question?”
“Are you going to sell Headingley – yes or no?”
“We are not at liberty to divulge commercially sensitive information”.
Three other members asked the same question in different ways, and received the same answer…in different ways: “There are a number of alternative financial scenarios, going forward”; “The Board is reviewing a series of strategic options, going forward”; “The confidentiality of any refinancing package is sacrosanct and must be respected…going forward”. Where and when have people learned to talk like this…and why?
So, what is the answer to our question about the future of Yorkshire County Cricket Club?
No idea – I just went to the EGM.
This & That
I raced back from the dentist on Tuesday to try and be ready for the third ODI against Ireland. I was five minutes late and found that we were halfway through the second over but England were already 25 for 0. Will Jacks was tonking it around but was made to look slow by Phil Salt who laid into everything that was bowled to him. England reached 50 after three and a half overs which is the fastest in ODIs and when they passed 100 after only 8 overs this also set a new record. When these two were out they were succeeded by Crawley and Duckett who both passed fifty and Duckett went on to make an unbeaten century.
This was the last competitive match before the World Cup and none of these first four are likely to be playing, since they will presumably be replaced by Bairstow, Malan, Root and Stokes. So, what was it all about? Were these guys warming up for sessions on the sofa watching their erstwhile teammates doing the biz in India?
It also seems bizarre that England’s test match opening pair are batting three and four in an ODI. Maybe this is just a reflection of the changing methods in all forms of the game.
Earlier in the series I was puzzled to see that someone called George Scrimshaw was bowling for England. I had never heard of him and struggled to find which county he was from. I eventually located him in Playfair and discovered that he is 6’ 7”, plays for Derbyshire and had best bowling figures of 2 for 22 before this season. What is going on? I looked up the Championship 2nd Division averages for this season and there he was 36th, with a massive 9 wickets to his name. All the other prospects who have toiled away over a serious apprenticeship period must be wondering what they have done wrong.
Interestingly this bowling session at Trent Bridge was the only opportunity in this three-match series that the bowlers had to display their talents since the game at Headingley was washed out completely and at Bristol rain ended the match during England’s innings. Who decides that September is an appropriate time for holding international matches after giving prime summer time to the Hundred?
Who remembers Bill Alley, the left-handed Australian who played for Somerset in the early sixties? In 1961 he scored 3019 runs and averaged a cool 56.96 in his 56 innings, scoring 11 hundreds along the way. This year the top scorers in Division 1 were James Rew (1086), Josh Bohannon (1257), Joe Clarke (1057), James Vince (1007) and Tom Westley (1130) whilst those who may have scored some against George Scrimshaw were: Luis Reece (1048) Leus du Plooy (1236), Alex Lees (1347), Jake Libby (1133), David Bedingham (1019), Adam Lyth (1019), Kiran Carlson (1068), and Rishi Patel (1079). None of this lot get mentioned as close to the test side and only Vince, Clarke and du Plooy feature in white ball cricket.
This is good news for Middlesex who have signed Leus du Plooy from next season. I bet he didn’t expect to be playing in the second division. He could soon find himself captaining this sad bunch. The only Middlesex batsman in the top fifty in the batting averages was Ryan Higgins and their top bowler by some way was the retiring Tim Murtagh. Enough said.
In India’s warm up ODI match against Australia Gill and Shreyas both scored run-a-ball hundreds but the eye-catching knock was played by Sky (Suryakumar Yadav) who made 72 not out from 37 deliveries. It will be very interesting to see who makes the Indian first choice batting line up.
The two white ball series featuring Australia in South Africa gave some bizarre results. First the tourists won the three T20 matches and then won the first two ODIs. South Africa then rallied and won the last three matches to take the series. In the third match Markham’s hundred was the key difference. In the fourth match Klaasen and Miller added 222 in 15 overs to take the game out of Australia’s reach. In the fifth match Markham and Miller both scored heavily before Marco Jansen first scored 47 from 23 balls and then took 5 for 39. This was an ideal warm up for the world cup and South Africa could still feature strongly.
The Premier League schedules have been cleared this afternoon and no traditional 4.30 match is being broadcast. Why is this? Apparently, it is the start of the WSL which is going to be broadcast on three of Sky’s sports channels. The lack of matches also means that TNT are unable to broadcast a premier League match at this time. We will no doubt be told later how popular the WSL is and that it was watched by millions. They will omit to mention that there were no soccer alternatives. It seems that we are being required to embrace the Women’s game whether we like it or not. I, for one, will not be watching.
Thompson Matters
Steve Thompson overhears a telling conversation
It was only last January that we were able to celebrate this august journal’s 20th birthday A further ten deliveries on and we can now celebrate a rather more crickety statistic as Googlies reaches 250 not out.
This is the 250th edition of another august journal. Ironically the caption from the summer of 1971 is remarkably apt given the recent publication of and MCC’s responses to the ICEC Report into equity in cricket. It was also probably not the best week for The Pritster to sneak her mate Sue into The Home of Cricket but the irony may have been lost on them.
Pritster: Well here we are Sue, The Long Room.
Sue: Wow, Prits, this is some place. There are more pictures here than on the staircase at Downing Street!
Pritster: I know, amazing isn’t it.
Sue: But how did you become a member? You know absolutely nothing about cricket.
Pritster: Well, there’s quite a lot of them that know absolutely nothing about cricket, but they know people who do. I just bought myself a life-time membership.
Sue: So, is Boris a member?
Pritster: No, not yet, he says he’s waiting for someone to fork out for him.
Sue: Is he on that interminably long waiting list then?
Pritster: Don’t be ridiculous. He told me he actually played in the Eton v Harrow Match. Said he scored a hundred maidens before lunch. At least I think that’s what he said.
Sue: Wow, go Boris!
Pritster: He is pretty pissed off though because they threatened to ban the match!
Sue: No, why?
Pritster: The powers that be say it’s all about privilege and stifles potential. I mean are they serious? You can imagine it didn’t go down well with Boris’s chums....so it’s back on again.
Sue: Sounds to me like MCC has gone full-on Woke!
Pritster: Yes, do you know they even tried to give the Australians tofu sandwiches for tea during the Test Match.
Sue: What happened?
Pritster: The Aussies told them where to shove them.
Sue: Good for them! That’s what a good points-based system does for you. Gives you control.
Pritster: What’s even more worrying Sue is a report has just landed which says they need to encourage more people from ethnic backgrounds to play cricket. You’ll never guess who wrote the foreword to the report. Only Sir John-left school at fourteen and loved playing cricket with my West Indian friends in Brixton- Major.
Sue: Oh, FFS Prits – don’t tell me he’s a member too!
Pritster: ‘fraid so, Sue.
Sue: This place, this game, needs shaking up. You’ll be telling me that they want to encourage women to play more next.
Pritster: Well...
Sue: Oh God! Who’s in charge here? Is there a President or something?
Pritster: Erm ....yes.
Sue: Who is he?
Pritster: Erm.........Stephen Fry.
Sue: Oh FFS! What about before him?
Pritster: Claire Connor
Sue: A woman! And before her?
Pritster: A Sri Lankan legend apparently Sue, Kumar Sangakarra.
Sue: This is shocking I had no idea. What’s in here?
Pritster: It’s an exhibition of portraits of black cricketers who have played for England.
Sue: Don’t they know it won’t work. Anyway, got to go Prits I’ve another big speech to give. These people need to know their place...
Happy Birthday Googlies! Very well batted Ed!
Ged Matters
Ged (Ian Harris) reports on the 2022 England v South Africa test at Lord’s as reported to King Cricket
Day 1
I did a few things in the morning, then stopped by at Papa Joe’s Bagel Emporium, ordering bagels for Awesome Simo’s visit the day after. I also bought a giant börek to eat after my early afternoon tennis match.
Lunch had been called by the time I arrived at Lord’s, entering through the newly named Rachael Heyhoe Flint Gate.
We were expecting our 2pm doubles to be an almost private affair during the hours of play, but about 10 minutes into our game we heard the sound of heavy rain on the roof. It was hosing it down. Soon the tennis viewing gallery was heaving with people. The only live sport at Lord’s for the rest of the day, tragically, turned out to be us.
When we came off court, some youngsters, who had been cheering loudly from the front of the gallery, asked to have their photos taken with me and my doubles partner.
After I had changed, it was still hosing, so I snuck across to the pavilion to find a quiet spot to eat my börek. Unsurprisingly, all the indoor seats were taken. I decided that a corner of the writing room floor, with my back to the wall, would be a suitably discreet and private spot for my munch.
About two minutes into my börek, a gentleman approached me and asked, “Are you Ged?”
Fairly regular King Cricket lurker and occasional commentator, Jeffy, introduced himself and kindly offered to buy me a drink in the Bowler’s Bar after I had finished my börek.
I felt quite grand chatting with Jeffy on the Bowler’s Bar Terrace. Me, a photo-opportunity tennis player. Me, a recognised cricket writer.
Then a somewhat drunken gentleman approached us to ask me if I was Andy Zaltzman.
“Doesn’t he have red hair?” I replied by way of denial.
“I suppose he does,” said the gent, “but you know what I mean – that mad Professor look. Apologies for mistaking you.”
Mercifully, the rain relented soon after the authorities announced that there would be no further play, so I bade a fond farewell to Jeffy, who had been charming company for a couple of hours.
I wandered home in the dry. I had seen no cricket at all but had strangely enjoyed five hours at Lord’s.
Day 2
“So you didn’t get cricket yesterday, you got rain instead,” said Papa Joe, mordantly, as I entered his Bagel Emporium, first thing in the morning.
“True,” I said, “but I did enjoy your börek.”
Papa Joe had my five bagels ready for me. “Proper boiled bagels you know,” said Papa Joe, “not fake baked ones.” Eager to try them, I dashed home to make the picnic.
I arrived at Lord’s around the same time as Awesome Simo. We agreed a vital playing condition for the day: no mention of “those” political clowns.
I then showed Simo the above photograph of the bagels and described the picnic: one smoked salmon bagel each, one ham and cheese bagel each, salad cups, strawberries and grapes.
Simo thought for a moment and said, “but there are five bagels in the photo.”
“I bought an extra bagel for my lunch tomorrow. I’m playing tennis and will need to eat something after play, if that’s okay, Simo?”
“Be like that,” said Simo in his passive-aggressive voice.
It was a warm sunny day and Simo had brought no head protection with him. He soon went for a stroll, returning with a bright red Ruth Strauss Foundation cap on his head.
“Lovely,” I said cheerfully.
“Hmm,” said Simo. “I sent a picture of it to the other half, who responded with a two-word message: ‘Burn it’.”
We just about avoided discussing the clowns all day, thus we parted company in good spirits.
Day 3
I got to Lord’s in good time with my solo bagel and a portion of fruit.
My first stop was the Warner Stand, but it was sunnier than the forecast predicted, so I retreated to the writing room, as my purpose was to do some writing that morning.
I was writing a short performance piece about wine, tennis and music in 14th century Burgundy. It might be the maddest idea for a performance piece I’ve ever had. Given my canon of fairly mad ideas, that’s quite a thing.
By the time I had played tennis, changed, showered and taken up a seat again, the cricket match was over.
I quietly ate the mystery fifth bagel and fruit before walking home.
Barnet Matters
In the Conte regime there were no funny hairstyles at Spurs but that has all changed with the almost total removal of the old guard of players. Udogi has tiny pigtails all over his head with what looks like a chess board underneath. His teammate, Bissouma, must go to the same north London barber shop as he has something similar except that the pigtails are gathered into two crests that make the top of his head look like a mini ploughed field.
One of the early regulars in this section was Calvin Phillips but he kind of disappeared from public view after his unexplained transfer to Pep City. But since Rodri’s red card he has been trotted out and hasn’t failed to please with his tonsorial extravagances which are based on tight pulling and knotting of any hair on his head. It ends up looking like his hair is growing through chicken wire.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
[email protected]
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 250
October 2023
Spot the Ball
The Professor sent me this photo from Headingley as his beloved Yorkshire took the field against Worcestershire
- “We could never have done this before we had an all-inclusive policy”.
- “I quite like it in Division 2. Things are much easier here and we’ll get to play Middlesex next year.”
- “Where shall we eat tonight – fish and chips or a curry?”
- “How is Darren Gough doing with our integrative procedures?”
“Darren who?”
- “Is it true that if the Committee makes the Club’s loan repayment we won’t get paid next year?”
- “Have you heard the one about the two Paki bowlers from Bradford?”
- “Where were you born Shan?”
- “You put your left foot in, your left foot out, in out, in out, you shake it all about.”
So…Surrey champions and Middlesex relegated. Time was when down the Harleyford Road that would have brought, if not wild celebration, at least a smug smile or two. Not, I think, any longer. I doubt if one person in fifty walking past the Oval ground would be able to say what happened in this years’ County Championship. There was the briefest of mentions in the newspapers and I heard one reference on a TV sports programme. Some years’ ago, Michael Atherton wrote in Wisden that county cricket served no useful purpose, and I doubt that he will have changed his view. It is, of course, where Test players come from, but having achieved Test status those players all but disappear from the county sides.
Durham would seem to be returning to the Division where they belong; the bowling of Raine and Potts and the runs of Lees and Bedingham always made them look likely Division 2 winners. They won half their games and the points margin of 66 was as decisive as it could be. By contrast, from what I saw of Worcestershire, they might struggle to stay in the top Division. They get runs from Libby and D’Oliveira (petit fils) but the bowling didn’t look too threatening and Yorkshire knocked off 360-odd in their last match without too much difficulty to win by six wickets.
Milnes bowling to Libby on a seamer friendly pitch: first morning of the home match against Worcestershire
Away from the pitch, Yorkshire were able to focus on what they do best – hold EGMs. I don’t quite know how many Ordinary/Extraordinary/Annual general meetings we have had in the past two years, I suppose it’s not yet into double figures – it just feels like it. This latest one was about some opaque changes to the constitutional rules and would normally have attracted an attendance of a dozen at most…but not this year. The Yorkshire “Long Room” was pretty packed for the early morning meeting, and we all had just one question.
The new Chief Executive, Stephen Vaughan, was determined to be open and transparent with the membership and was anxious to answer any questions about the Club “going forward”.
The members had a question.
The new “Chair Elect”, Harry Chathii , was also determined that we should all now be able to put the past behind us: we had paid the fine, accepted the points deduction, and were now focused on putting the: “best known cricket club in the world” in its proper place. Splendid, but, er, what about our question?
Well the Board were keen to be open and honest about anything that the members….Oh, for god’s sake! Can you just answer our question?
“Well, who is going to ask it?”
Step forward from the ranks of the “ordinary members” the man of the people who is Sir Geoffrey Boycott.
“Well, Sir Geoffrey, what is your question?”
“Are you going to sell Headingley – yes or no?”
“We are not at liberty to divulge commercially sensitive information”.
Three other members asked the same question in different ways, and received the same answer…in different ways: “There are a number of alternative financial scenarios, going forward”; “The Board is reviewing a series of strategic options, going forward”; “The confidentiality of any refinancing package is sacrosanct and must be respected…going forward”. Where and when have people learned to talk like this…and why?
So, what is the answer to our question about the future of Yorkshire County Cricket Club?
No idea – I just went to the EGM.
This & That
I raced back from the dentist on Tuesday to try and be ready for the third ODI against Ireland. I was five minutes late and found that we were halfway through the second over but England were already 25 for 0. Will Jacks was tonking it around but was made to look slow by Phil Salt who laid into everything that was bowled to him. England reached 50 after three and a half overs which is the fastest in ODIs and when they passed 100 after only 8 overs this also set a new record. When these two were out they were succeeded by Crawley and Duckett who both passed fifty and Duckett went on to make an unbeaten century.
This was the last competitive match before the World Cup and none of these first four are likely to be playing, since they will presumably be replaced by Bairstow, Malan, Root and Stokes. So, what was it all about? Were these guys warming up for sessions on the sofa watching their erstwhile teammates doing the biz in India?
It also seems bizarre that England’s test match opening pair are batting three and four in an ODI. Maybe this is just a reflection of the changing methods in all forms of the game.
Earlier in the series I was puzzled to see that someone called George Scrimshaw was bowling for England. I had never heard of him and struggled to find which county he was from. I eventually located him in Playfair and discovered that he is 6’ 7”, plays for Derbyshire and had best bowling figures of 2 for 22 before this season. What is going on? I looked up the Championship 2nd Division averages for this season and there he was 36th, with a massive 9 wickets to his name. All the other prospects who have toiled away over a serious apprenticeship period must be wondering what they have done wrong.
Interestingly this bowling session at Trent Bridge was the only opportunity in this three-match series that the bowlers had to display their talents since the game at Headingley was washed out completely and at Bristol rain ended the match during England’s innings. Who decides that September is an appropriate time for holding international matches after giving prime summer time to the Hundred?
Who remembers Bill Alley, the left-handed Australian who played for Somerset in the early sixties? In 1961 he scored 3019 runs and averaged a cool 56.96 in his 56 innings, scoring 11 hundreds along the way. This year the top scorers in Division 1 were James Rew (1086), Josh Bohannon (1257), Joe Clarke (1057), James Vince (1007) and Tom Westley (1130) whilst those who may have scored some against George Scrimshaw were: Luis Reece (1048) Leus du Plooy (1236), Alex Lees (1347), Jake Libby (1133), David Bedingham (1019), Adam Lyth (1019), Kiran Carlson (1068), and Rishi Patel (1079). None of this lot get mentioned as close to the test side and only Vince, Clarke and du Plooy feature in white ball cricket.
This is good news for Middlesex who have signed Leus du Plooy from next season. I bet he didn’t expect to be playing in the second division. He could soon find himself captaining this sad bunch. The only Middlesex batsman in the top fifty in the batting averages was Ryan Higgins and their top bowler by some way was the retiring Tim Murtagh. Enough said.
In India’s warm up ODI match against Australia Gill and Shreyas both scored run-a-ball hundreds but the eye-catching knock was played by Sky (Suryakumar Yadav) who made 72 not out from 37 deliveries. It will be very interesting to see who makes the Indian first choice batting line up.
The two white ball series featuring Australia in South Africa gave some bizarre results. First the tourists won the three T20 matches and then won the first two ODIs. South Africa then rallied and won the last three matches to take the series. In the third match Markham’s hundred was the key difference. In the fourth match Klaasen and Miller added 222 in 15 overs to take the game out of Australia’s reach. In the fifth match Markham and Miller both scored heavily before Marco Jansen first scored 47 from 23 balls and then took 5 for 39. This was an ideal warm up for the world cup and South Africa could still feature strongly.
The Premier League schedules have been cleared this afternoon and no traditional 4.30 match is being broadcast. Why is this? Apparently, it is the start of the WSL which is going to be broadcast on three of Sky’s sports channels. The lack of matches also means that TNT are unable to broadcast a premier League match at this time. We will no doubt be told later how popular the WSL is and that it was watched by millions. They will omit to mention that there were no soccer alternatives. It seems that we are being required to embrace the Women’s game whether we like it or not. I, for one, will not be watching.
Thompson Matters
Steve Thompson overhears a telling conversation
It was only last January that we were able to celebrate this august journal’s 20th birthday A further ten deliveries on and we can now celebrate a rather more crickety statistic as Googlies reaches 250 not out.
This is the 250th edition of another august journal. Ironically the caption from the summer of 1971 is remarkably apt given the recent publication of and MCC’s responses to the ICEC Report into equity in cricket. It was also probably not the best week for The Pritster to sneak her mate Sue into The Home of Cricket but the irony may have been lost on them.
Pritster: Well here we are Sue, The Long Room.
Sue: Wow, Prits, this is some place. There are more pictures here than on the staircase at Downing Street!
Pritster: I know, amazing isn’t it.
Sue: But how did you become a member? You know absolutely nothing about cricket.
Pritster: Well, there’s quite a lot of them that know absolutely nothing about cricket, but they know people who do. I just bought myself a life-time membership.
Sue: So, is Boris a member?
Pritster: No, not yet, he says he’s waiting for someone to fork out for him.
Sue: Is he on that interminably long waiting list then?
Pritster: Don’t be ridiculous. He told me he actually played in the Eton v Harrow Match. Said he scored a hundred maidens before lunch. At least I think that’s what he said.
Sue: Wow, go Boris!
Pritster: He is pretty pissed off though because they threatened to ban the match!
Sue: No, why?
Pritster: The powers that be say it’s all about privilege and stifles potential. I mean are they serious? You can imagine it didn’t go down well with Boris’s chums....so it’s back on again.
Sue: Sounds to me like MCC has gone full-on Woke!
Pritster: Yes, do you know they even tried to give the Australians tofu sandwiches for tea during the Test Match.
Sue: What happened?
Pritster: The Aussies told them where to shove them.
Sue: Good for them! That’s what a good points-based system does for you. Gives you control.
Pritster: What’s even more worrying Sue is a report has just landed which says they need to encourage more people from ethnic backgrounds to play cricket. You’ll never guess who wrote the foreword to the report. Only Sir John-left school at fourteen and loved playing cricket with my West Indian friends in Brixton- Major.
Sue: Oh, FFS Prits – don’t tell me he’s a member too!
Pritster: ‘fraid so, Sue.
Sue: This place, this game, needs shaking up. You’ll be telling me that they want to encourage women to play more next.
Pritster: Well...
Sue: Oh God! Who’s in charge here? Is there a President or something?
Pritster: Erm ....yes.
Sue: Who is he?
Pritster: Erm.........Stephen Fry.
Sue: Oh FFS! What about before him?
Pritster: Claire Connor
Sue: A woman! And before her?
Pritster: A Sri Lankan legend apparently Sue, Kumar Sangakarra.
Sue: This is shocking I had no idea. What’s in here?
Pritster: It’s an exhibition of portraits of black cricketers who have played for England.
Sue: Don’t they know it won’t work. Anyway, got to go Prits I’ve another big speech to give. These people need to know their place...
Happy Birthday Googlies! Very well batted Ed!
Ged Matters
Ged (Ian Harris) reports on the 2022 England v South Africa test at Lord’s as reported to King Cricket
Day 1
I did a few things in the morning, then stopped by at Papa Joe’s Bagel Emporium, ordering bagels for Awesome Simo’s visit the day after. I also bought a giant börek to eat after my early afternoon tennis match.
Lunch had been called by the time I arrived at Lord’s, entering through the newly named Rachael Heyhoe Flint Gate.
We were expecting our 2pm doubles to be an almost private affair during the hours of play, but about 10 minutes into our game we heard the sound of heavy rain on the roof. It was hosing it down. Soon the tennis viewing gallery was heaving with people. The only live sport at Lord’s for the rest of the day, tragically, turned out to be us.
When we came off court, some youngsters, who had been cheering loudly from the front of the gallery, asked to have their photos taken with me and my doubles partner.
After I had changed, it was still hosing, so I snuck across to the pavilion to find a quiet spot to eat my börek. Unsurprisingly, all the indoor seats were taken. I decided that a corner of the writing room floor, with my back to the wall, would be a suitably discreet and private spot for my munch.
About two minutes into my börek, a gentleman approached me and asked, “Are you Ged?”
Fairly regular King Cricket lurker and occasional commentator, Jeffy, introduced himself and kindly offered to buy me a drink in the Bowler’s Bar after I had finished my börek.
I felt quite grand chatting with Jeffy on the Bowler’s Bar Terrace. Me, a photo-opportunity tennis player. Me, a recognised cricket writer.
Then a somewhat drunken gentleman approached us to ask me if I was Andy Zaltzman.
“Doesn’t he have red hair?” I replied by way of denial.
“I suppose he does,” said the gent, “but you know what I mean – that mad Professor look. Apologies for mistaking you.”
Mercifully, the rain relented soon after the authorities announced that there would be no further play, so I bade a fond farewell to Jeffy, who had been charming company for a couple of hours.
I wandered home in the dry. I had seen no cricket at all but had strangely enjoyed five hours at Lord’s.
Day 2
“So you didn’t get cricket yesterday, you got rain instead,” said Papa Joe, mordantly, as I entered his Bagel Emporium, first thing in the morning.
“True,” I said, “but I did enjoy your börek.”
Papa Joe had my five bagels ready for me. “Proper boiled bagels you know,” said Papa Joe, “not fake baked ones.” Eager to try them, I dashed home to make the picnic.
I arrived at Lord’s around the same time as Awesome Simo. We agreed a vital playing condition for the day: no mention of “those” political clowns.
I then showed Simo the above photograph of the bagels and described the picnic: one smoked salmon bagel each, one ham and cheese bagel each, salad cups, strawberries and grapes.
Simo thought for a moment and said, “but there are five bagels in the photo.”
“I bought an extra bagel for my lunch tomorrow. I’m playing tennis and will need to eat something after play, if that’s okay, Simo?”
“Be like that,” said Simo in his passive-aggressive voice.
It was a warm sunny day and Simo had brought no head protection with him. He soon went for a stroll, returning with a bright red Ruth Strauss Foundation cap on his head.
“Lovely,” I said cheerfully.
“Hmm,” said Simo. “I sent a picture of it to the other half, who responded with a two-word message: ‘Burn it’.”
We just about avoided discussing the clowns all day, thus we parted company in good spirits.
Day 3
I got to Lord’s in good time with my solo bagel and a portion of fruit.
My first stop was the Warner Stand, but it was sunnier than the forecast predicted, so I retreated to the writing room, as my purpose was to do some writing that morning.
I was writing a short performance piece about wine, tennis and music in 14th century Burgundy. It might be the maddest idea for a performance piece I’ve ever had. Given my canon of fairly mad ideas, that’s quite a thing.
By the time I had played tennis, changed, showered and taken up a seat again, the cricket match was over.
I quietly ate the mystery fifth bagel and fruit before walking home.
Barnet Matters
In the Conte regime there were no funny hairstyles at Spurs but that has all changed with the almost total removal of the old guard of players. Udogi has tiny pigtails all over his head with what looks like a chess board underneath. His teammate, Bissouma, must go to the same north London barber shop as he has something similar except that the pigtails are gathered into two crests that make the top of his head look like a mini ploughed field.
One of the early regulars in this section was Calvin Phillips but he kind of disappeared from public view after his unexplained transfer to Pep City. But since Rodri’s red card he has been trotted out and hasn’t failed to please with his tonsorial extravagances which are based on tight pulling and knotting of any hair on his head. It ends up looking like his hair is growing through chicken wire.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
[email protected]