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GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN

An Occasional Cricketing Journal

Edition 3

March 2003

   Vile Bodies

 Well, it turns out that I was the only one who didn’t know what VB stood for. Gary Rhoades, who is a doctor of some sort, kindly pointed out that it was not a disease, whilst Dick Crawshay noted that it is really a misnomer since no one in Victoria has actually drunk real bitter. It transpires that it is one of those antipodean concoctions that contribute to Tour Madness. Who said that they saw Sven with a can at Upton Park last month? It might explain his doomed tactics. In the final analysis I am a little disappointed that it did not run to a literary link to Waugh.

In the next edition George and I will be giving a complete run down of the Duckworth Lewis method, which we have been studying avidly and also a preview of the new twenty over competition which has been designed specifically to fit around Thorpey’s personal commitments. But in the meantime I trust you will find something of interest in the following.

   

The England Selectors  

In G & C 1 the Professor likened the England selectors jobs to tenure at his university- in perpetuity…

He has subsequently harangued me for not for not having responded to his “demand for the sacking of the ex rebel tourist and crap selector, Graveney”.

Always one for moderation and levity, I eventually replied: Graveney has got the job for life. He enjoys the misery and also, in our sad way, do we. Who do you think should have the job? Should you and I volunteer?

This provoked the following extraordinary name-dropping tirade from my academic correspondent:

On the Graveney question I've been pondering James' challenge.
I met a fair number of the great and good in Melbourne and Sydney.
Unfortunately the ones who spoke the most sense (Geoff Lawson and Mark Waugh) are not, at present, involved in English cricket and might be a bit suspect if they were. Bob Taylor is a nice bloke, but worried about his business, John Edrich is an idiot whose unending mantra is "not as good as in my day". He told me, before the final Australian innings, that the wicket was playing well and they would probably knock them off. I was surprised to be impressed by Mark Nicholas who talks a lot of good sense.
And surprised at Dermot Reeves’ extraordinary ability to attract women He advertises himself, incidentally, as "England's cricket legend".
Botham was Botham.

The job spec requires someone who is close to the game, sees a lot of
cricket and knows what he is looking at (i.e. not Edrich).
If I had a free choice I think I'd go for Atherton although I think he's
far too sensible to accept.

World Cup Matters  

Of all of Uncle Rupert’s experts David Lloyd always sounds as though he knows what he’s talking about, but normally its complete bollocks. His predictions are invariably wrong and show a lack of understanding of what is really going on. However, he is still good value for the odd bizarre saying. When Saqlain got the hapless Freddy stumped at Newlands without playing a shot our chirpy chappy from Old Trafford quipped “He’s done ‘im like a kipper”. Later in the same game when Anderson bowled Youhana, his technical assessment was “He opened ‘im up like a can of beans”.

*

We are all familiar with the concept of Red Mist as applied to batting. A new and opposite malaise has been gathering momentum over recent years which might be termed Freeze Brain. Mike Meat Pie Gatting was an early exponent who would regularly concede his wicket in important games offering no shot to a straight one. We all know he was fully capable of hitting it and indeed was carrying a bat specifically for that purpose but Freeze Brain struck. Freddy is no stranger to both concepts. Indeed his batting seems to lurch from one to the other. Why did he advance down the pitch at Newlands if he had no intention of using the willow- only Freeze Brain can explain it?

*

Mark Butcher has got himself a nice little number as an expert commentator in South Africa. As the camera panned the stadium at Newlands and hovered over a barbecue he felt compelled to say “Its wonderful to see a foot long sausage on the television”. What do they get up to at the Oval?

*

Meanwhile, back at Chelmsford the Big Ronnie Fan Club is trying to set up a full test series against Namibia and Holland so that their hero can excel again in the big time.

*

It wasn’t many months ago that Matthew Hoggard was being hailed as the answer to England’s opening bowling problems for the foreseeable future. Now he has been reduced to the grinning loon who brings on the drinks or fields as substitute for Peg Leg Vaughan.

Naff and Absentee Journalism



George, a Channel 5 devotee, elects not to avail himself of Uncle Rupert’s offerings and consequently is dependent on the written word for news of the World Cup. However, he has not wasted his time and has detected an alarming trend of Naff reporting; e.g.
‘the only resistance from New Zealand came from Styris with a dogged 141' (they were all out in 45 overs and he came in at number 4).
This led him to investigate the more general syndrome of the newspaper report you could have written from the scorecard: i.e. without going to the game or speaking to anyone who had attended it.
”Jenkins then compiled 35 in a 7th wicket partnership of 52, before he was caught off the bowling of Smith. The last 3 wickets only added 9runs”.
This opened up a whole range of journalistic dishonesties and fabrications. The Professor recalled buying a lunchtime edition of a paper whilst queuing at Loftus Road only to read a report of the first ten minutes of the game -"Thomas made impressive runs down the right wing" etc. There were still about 30 minutes to kick-off.

The Professor then produced this excellent parody of the genre: "Expectations were high as the massive frame of Flintoff
strode to the wicket. England were clearly looking to finish off the match in the quickest possible time. As he took guard all those watching (sic) were asking if he would allow himself an over or two of "sighters" or just blast away from the start. Sadly the answer came all too quickly and Flintoff perished in the same over as Vaughan to a young man bowling his first over of international cricket" etc, etc, etc.

Reporters are paid to produce column inches; it’s just us mugs who assumed that they attended the matches that they report on.

Everyone should be on the lookout for Absentee journalism or it’s little brother Naff Journalism. When you find examples please send them in and we will expose the perpetrators for you. If nothing else it will give George something to read during the adverts on Channel 5.

 
The Russ Collins Circus

Russ Collins used to put out the occasional mid-week team to play in Cricket Weeks and other celebratory events. I suppose it kept him out of mischief in the long school holidays. A ragbag of players including cronies such as Frank Martin and Stan Wills from Mill Hill would assemble alongside fresh-faced schoolboys.

On one July morning I turned up at 11am for the 11.30am start at Shepherds Bush and was somewhat surprised to meet only four or five other players in the dressing room. Russ, sensing my concern, stepped forward and said “Jim, you and ‘um Morgan can open the batting”. Those of you who have played at Shepherds Bush will know that the wicket was rarely better than indifferent and could be quite lively before lunch. Jack and I ground it out for much of the morning without giving the scorers much to do and went in for the usually excellent Bush lunch. In the afternoon the wicket dried out, the Bush skipper felt obliged to give his third eleven bowlers a game and the old sweats mysteriously appeared on the ground to help themselves to the friendly fare.

Russ went to Marylebone GS with John Price of Wembley, Middlesex and England fame and so JSE was an unlikely member of this bizarre group. It was with trepidation on one occasion that I found myself keeping wicket to the England opening bowler. He was recovering from injury and so didn’t slip himself bowling but in the field he threw one torpedo at eight foot high from the boundary that screamed above my up-stretched glove only narrowly failing to be the first six overthrows in history.

Another regular in Russ’ XIs was Ben Windsor, who was over seventy by this time and would arrive on the ground in his Aston Martin coupe. Six feet tall, bald as a coote and all bones, Ben would open the bowling with his dolly drop leg spinners. One unfortunate Bush batsman (the Professor?) crashed a lofted drive back at him only to see it canon off his shoulder and then describe a gentle parabola to mid off who took the catch.

  Batters who hit it hard  

Terry Cordaroy told the story of playing in a Middlesex II game at Enfield when Hilton Ackerman, the South African, was playing for Northants II. The Middlesex skipper, perhaps Don Bick, had his off side fielders on the boundary to the burly left-hander who hit the ball so hard that the batsmen were unable to take a single if the ball was hit direct to them.

In 1977 I broke my ankle playing football in cricket week, which I suppose served me right, and so sat prostrate in a deck chair adjacent to the sightscreen at the Milverton Road end to see the Wills Trophy semi final between South Hampstead and Finchley. David Hays, a Cambridge blue and sometime Middlesex player, opened the batting for Finchley. In an awesome display of brutal hitting he reached 81 before getting out in the 10th over. The only danger we spectators were in was from the ball ricocheting back from the sixteen-foot wire fence behind us!

The most devastating batsman I ever watched from the non-strikers end was Len Stubbs. He had an immaculate eye, perfect timing and a belief that no one could bowl at him, which made for extraordinary scenes when it was his day. Neither length nor line made any difference and he would flick a good length ball outside the off stump effortlessly over square leg. When he got involved for a couple of seasons with Hampshire II he developed a block and a classy looking off-drive, but soon dropped these bad habits when he returned to club cricket. He hated the cold and some of his more outrageous performances occurred when he was “trying to get back in the warm”.  On one freezing October Saturday afternoon he scored 50 against Ealing from 17 balls.

Suffice it to say that the Great Jack Morgan didn’t fall into this category.

Strange Elevens  

What makes the members of this eleven eligible for their team’s jazz hat?

Tony Grieg

Chris Smith

Robin Smith

Graham Hick

Alan Lamb

Basil d’Oliveira

Craig White

Ben Hollioake

Phillipe Edmunds

Robin Jackman

Dermot Reeve

To qualify to play for England has always been strangely easy, because cricket is substantially a game of the Empire and all citizens of the, now, Commonwealth are entitled to British passports. Some players such as Colin Cowdrey and Ted Dexter were born in overseas countries but of English parents and no one would deny their right to play for England. However, from the sixties an alarming trend developed to get anyone who knew which end of a bat to hold to be qualified for England by fair means or foul. The above eleven were all clearly foreigners.

I invite you to send in your own strange elevens-this will sort out the Closet Wisden Queens. Just in case you haven’t smelled the coffee yet here is another Strange Eleven, what is their common denominator?

Bob Gale

Wilf Slack

Justin Langer

Stephen Fleming

Peter Parfitt

Graham Barlow

Bob White

Ian Gould

Kevin James

Paul Weekes

John Price

Irritating trends in modern cricket - Number Two  

What does the coloured clothing add to the one-day game? It is almost a statement that proclaims: “this is not to be taken seriously, it is not the real thing”. It would be bad enough if the colours were plain, but the designs now look as if they have been selected from Premiership away strips.

When you have been watching a lot of pyjama cricket and then see players in whites they seem strange. After a second take you appreciate that they are properly attired for cricket and calmness descends as if everything is all right after all.

Three Keepers The Professor gets Bob Taylor to spill the beans on a Day of Domestic Madness


By the way, I had an interesting chat to Bob Taylor about the day at Lords when we fielded 3 wicket keepers. You will doubtless remember - Bruce French injured, Bill Athey stepped in for just nine overs and then Gatting 'phoned Taylor in the hospitality tent asking him to take over. Taylor assumed, not unreasonably, that it was a wind-up and told him to piss off. Gatting then 'phoned again and persuaded him to do the job. He said that Bill Athey's hands were shaking with nerves when he took the gloves from him but that he was perfectly calm, having been in the hospitality tent for the previous couple of hours. You may remember that Bobby Parks took over the following day.

Muddled Thinking  

It is absurd that a distinction is made between one-day players and others. The so-called one-day specialists are usually batters who are sub-standard bowlers and bowlers who are sub-standard batters – for example Ealham, Hollioake, Fleming and, of course, Big Ronnie who is both or neither whichever way you look at it.

The player who has suffered most from this recently is Nick Knight who is lumbered with the tag of being “a one day specialist pinch hitting opener”. In 2002 he scored more runs in first class cricket than any other Englishman and made them at an average of 95! Why is it that Robert Key is preferred in the test side? Knight is also one of the few England players who can reasonably be expected to catch nine out of ten chances offered. Meanwhile, Key is used in Teflon ads.

Michael Bevan may be a rare exception but, of course, he would get in the England test side as well as the one-day side. England should pick their best team and let them get on with it regardless of the format.

Filling the gaps The Professor and Steve Thompson have been rifling through their cupboards and unearthed some dog-eared copies of The Dane which has helped to flesh out the list of SCD 1st XI captains, which now reads:

1955/6(?) Bob Peach

1958/9 Rusty Williams

1960 Dick Crawshay

1961 John Jackson

1962 Roger (?) Harvey

1963 Mick Cope

1964 /5 John Adams

1966 Jim Sharp

1967 Graham Sharp

1968/9 Roger Kingdon

1970 Dave Vincent, Simon Frazer, Phil Edmonds

1971 Simon Frazer

1972 Gary Allcott

1973 Steve Thompson

Goodness knows what went on in 1970. It must have been as confusing as playing for England at Soccer-Did they each have their own side? Did one lead the Batting and another the Bowling (as in American Football), and if so what did the third lead-the Bar?

I am still optimistic that we can provoke Messrs Peach and Nienow to confirm and expand on the mid-fifties era and if we have any readers of a younger generation they could take it past 1973. They will be oddities, though, since they will see Steve Thompson as an Old Fart.

Did you miss the first two editions?

 

I will happily email you a copy of the first two editions of Googlies & Chinamen if you missed them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, all about Tour Madness and other vital matters you cannot afford to miss. Just send me an email to secure your copies.

If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.

The second Strange Eleven was comprised of left-handers who have played for Middlesex.

Googlies and Chinamen

is produced by

 James Sharp

Broad Lee House

 Combs

High Peak

SK23 9XA

Tel & fax: 01298 70237

Email: tiksha@btinternet.com

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I will happily email you a copy of the first edition of Googlies & Chinamen if you missed it. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are and all about Tour Madness. Just send me an email and I’ll have one in the barrel.

Googlies and Chinamen

Is produced by

 James Sharp

Broad Lee House

 Combs

High Peak

SK23 9XA

Tel & fax: 01298 70237

Email: tiksha@btinternet.com

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