GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 43
July 2006
Mid Season Quiz 1. You find yourself partnered with Peg Leg in a three-legged race. Do you:
a. Tentatively ask him which one is his wonky knee
b. Take a chance and strap your right to his left.
c. Put some Algipan in your pocket just in case.
2. You are offered a ticket for the Old Trafford Ashes test match in 2009. Do you:
a. Grab it and give the tout £50.
b. Smile and say that you are in discussions with the Welsh Mafia.
3. As a dedicated Trainspotter you decide to attend a refresher course on the Duckworth Lewis Method.
a. You are not surprised to see Mark Boucher sitting next you.
b. You panic when you realise that you have forgotten your slide rule.
c. You lose the will to live when the instructor describes the circumstances under which the side batting second has to score fifty more runs than the side batting first amassed.
4. The following photo features the dreaded Jimmy and a selection of his Barmy Army cronies. All you have to do is identify the correct statement.
a. Man in yellow shirt: “I’ve no idea what the words are but I like standing up and shouting Aaaaagh!”
b. Naked man in cap: “Who said “Sit down?” Mind your own effing business. We paid our money and know our rights. We can stand up and piss off everyone else if we want to. If you don’t like it, you know what you can effing do.”
c. Jimmy: “ To think that I only do this to irritate the shit out of Jim Sharp.”
5. Following the extraordinary success of its new helicopter signal for a free hit the ICC invited suggestions for a signal for the new eight to be scored when the ball is hit out of the ground. Which was the successful proposal?
a. The umpire to raise and lower both arms at his sides in a scissors style manoeuvre.
b. The umpire to dance a dosey doe step.
c. The umpire to perform a handstand.
6. You receive a phone call from the Barmy Army inviting you to participate in its fancy dress wheeze at the Oval at which they are to attend as a troupe of fifty pantomime horses. They offer you one of the back halves.
a. You say sorry but the date clashes with the Rangers reserves away match at Brentford.
b. You ask whether you have to take your own straw.
c. You agree to do it but only on the strict understanding that Angelina Jolie will be the front half of your horse.
7. Which honorary Yorkshireman has made it into the Yorkshire All Time Greats XI, as voted by readers of the Yorkshire Post?
a. Sachin Tendulkar
b. Phil Jaques
c. Darren Lehmann
d. Michael Bevan
8. Who failed to get selected in the all time Yorkshire side?
a. Geoff Boycott
b. Phil Sharpe
c. Ray Illingworth
d. Brian Close
9. Which of the following test players has the highest test score in 2006?
a. Marcus Trescothick
b. Andrew Strauss
c. Matthew Hayden
d. Jason Gillespie
10. Which of the following test players has the highest personal test score?
a. Andrew Strauss
b. Kevin Pietersen
c. Michael Vaughan
d. Jason Gillespie
11. You are invited to play in a Charity Match but find that Muralitharan is guesting for the opposition. How do you handle this dilemma?
a. You take “Banger’s Leave”.
b. You request that Daryl Hair umpires at square leg when Murali is bowling.
c. You wear your “Doozras don’t fool me” T-shirt.
12. Duncan Fletcher says that he has his World Cup Squad sorted except for who is to bat at number eight. He calls on you to solve the final place. You reply:
a. There’s always Big Ronnie.
b. Remind him that Mark Butcher can bowl a bit.
c. Insist that the Welsh Wizard must come out of international retirement.
13. Geoffrey Boycott interviews you on Radio Five Live. He asks you “who was the greatest batsman of all time?”
a. He interrupts you with a cough when you start Don…
b. You try again but he interrupts again when you start Viv…
c. You feel uncomfortable but are interrupted yet again when you try Ricky…
d. You give up.
14. You go to Lords and find that The Great Jack Morgan is the only other spectator in the Compton Stand. What do you do?
a. You quietly creep back down the stairs
b. You sit next to him and remove all of your clothes.
c. You ask him the result of the second eleven match against Northants at Henley last season.
15. You are playing in a Middlesex league match and when you look up to take strike you notice that the umpire is Peter Ray. A panic creeps in; what do you do?
a. Before taking guard you politely ask after his and his family’s health.
b. You take guard a foot outside the leg stump.
c. You nervously point out that he has already given his regulation four LBWs this innings.
Southend Matters
Last summer I entertained some Googlies contributors at the Essex v Middlesex one day match in Southend, where Peter Butler organises the week. I shall be going again this year on Sunday 6th August with Peter and we will be happy to accommodate any Googlies readers, contributors or others, who would like to join us. To enable us to make the necessary arrangements with the organisers please reply by 15 July.
Middlesex matters The Great Jack Morgan updates us on Middlesex games seen and not seen this season so far
Through a combination of luck and good judgment, I have managed to avoid most of the Middlesex disasters so far this season. I saw three days of the Kent game which were not that bad and although the game was lost, it was only the last day (which I didn’t see) that was depressing and, anyway, that was mainly due to the gradual flattening out of the pitch. I only saw one day of the Warwickshire game, which was not a bad display. I have seen two convincing wins in the C&G. I saw two days of the 2s game against Essex at Uxbridge, where a depleted side did tolerably well to get a big first innings lead, but then draw comfortably with only nine fit to bat. And I saw the second and third days of the magnificent win at Southgate. I also set off for Reigate to see the first day of the 2s game against Surrey (I think we lost by eight wickets), but there was such a horrific traffic jam in the Esher/ Oxshott area that it had taken me so long (about 50 minutes) to cover about 5 miles (on my birthday too!) that I turned round and drove back home. I was away for the debacles at Southampton and Chester-le-Street, while poor weather and good judgment kept me away from Horsham.
It was great to see the spinners getting some success at Southgate, but I am not getting carried away. If you remember, a similar occurrence happened last year when Pepsi and ‘Rymple outbowled Shane Warne at Southgate, but it was only a few weeks later that we were in despair at their total inability to obtain any assistance from the spinless Lord’s wicket against Warwickshire, which allowed Troughton and Loudon to steal victory from us. I am delighted that Silvers is doing so well. 31 wickets at 21 is excellent... I’m just not quite sure how he is doing it: it is certainly not by metronomic accuracy! Johann and ‘Rymple are the only others in double figures. Johann had a much better game at Southgate, with bat as well as ball, so maybe he is coming back to form? Styris has not yet taken a first class wicket. Keegan has looked the most dangerous bowler in the games that I have seen, but this is not, so far, reflected in his first class figures, though he is comfortably top of the one-day bowling. The rumour at Uxbridge was that Richardson needs an operation on his elbow, but Bettsy was practising at Southgate and looked almost fit.
I don’t think that there is too much wrong with the batting except that they are all too damn impetuous except for Hutton, of course. Smithy is so intent on playing his shots at the top of the order that I am not sure that he should be opening at all: it is like sending K Pietersen out to open! No wonder he got three blongers on the trot! Scotty’s keeping looks better in the one-dayers, when he stands up to Silverwood and Keegan, than in the Championship, when he stands back and doesn’t look any better than anyone else. Unfortunately, Scotty’s batting has vanished down the toilet again and he will drop down the order soon as he has the lowest average of anybody in the side at present. I still think that Nash could get his place back through his superior batting, but he will not do so because he is unable to stay fit. Needless to say, he was one of the injured at Uxbridge, having dislocated his finger again. The win at Southgate took me totally by surprise; I had this one down for a draw. The wicket certainly took some spin and Richard Dawson turned the ball more than anyone I have seen in the last ten years, which includes Shane Warne. Bresnan is a promising player, but was trusted to bowl only 11 overs in this match and batted dreadfully in the second innings.
My criticism of Scotty’s batting worked wonders on Sunday as he went straight out and hit 73* in the C&G game against Surrey... but only off the Surrey 2s bowlers, so I will need more evidence than this that he has turned the corner. I didn’t go to the game as I had cleverly wangled free tickets for the finals day of the tennis at Surbiton.
Yes there is hope of avoiding relegation! Yorkshire’s second innings batting looked far worse than Middlesex’s while Notts appear to be the worst of the three. With only two going down, we just need to stay above those two, which means a good performance from our depleted team at Trent Bridge is absolutely essential.
And we all know what happened at Trent Bridge- bowled out for 49 and defeat by an innings
England Matters Alvin Nienow sent me these notes
If Panesar had been used more throughout the series, especially in the
First test, we would have won the series at least 2-1! Freddie either bowled too much, especially in the first test, or then arguably, under bowled himself. Also his field placing was pathetic; and not many runs either. Another fine player who can't captain-at least, he has a lot to learn and I doubt that he is capable of learning it. It took him a long time to use his talents at anything like their full potential just as a player. Captaining is a step too far.
Hedgcock Matters One of our resident Australians, Murray Hedgcock, is starting to become a regular contributor to these pages. Here is his response to last month’s edition
I think I'm beginning, like Liza Dolittle, to Get It i.e. your excellent budget is gradually hitting home. Does this mean I am approaching the state of true Anglification? Heaven forefend.... I have had my business cards duly adjusted to add the legend, "Contributor to Googlies & Chinamen", and attach a further offering for your consideration:
Skipping that unkind crack from the Professor about Australian Rules, “the oxymoron”; we do have rules - it’s just that so few of us who play can read. I move back to the greensward. Although as we play both cricket and footy on the same grounds in Godzone Country, it’s a mutual greensward, really.
I read with some unease the account by The Editor of his adventures at Lord’s, as experienced by the ticket-buying public. Having become comfortably accustomed to the duel access of MCC membership and a media pass (these immigrants grab everything English), I tend to forget the trials and travails of genuine cricket lovers - but they do have a knack of being closer to the play. And lacking the distracting amenities we get inside the hallowed Pavilion or the not-really-hallowed NatWest Media Centre, they may well watch more closely than do the privileged. I hope this thought cheers the ticket-buyers a smidge.
After her Lord’s Easter coaching, my ten-year-old granddaughter, Georgia, was on the lookout for a club to advance her cricketing education. This proved tricky: we are continually told how many opportunities there are for girls to play, but there appeared to be none handy to home.
However, we tracked down a club that has had honourable mentions in this chronicle, and so she is now a Teddington member, benefiting from the advice of real coaching, and not just Grandfather and (occasionally) Dad. But it did not take Touche Ross - or whoever they are today - to calculate that it has cost the better part of five hundred pounds to kit her out, send her to Lord’s, pay her club sub, etc. Is this still, sadly, a reason why the Summer Game struggles against that other 11-a-side pastime, where all you basically need is a football?
Ashes Matters and another Crawshay Offer Dick Crawshay vents his spleen over the ticketing arrangements for this winter’s activities and makes you all another generous offer
Well the Ashes series has started in earnest with the Australian side showing severe cracks in their armoury. The ticketing arrangements were a scandal. They simply learnt nothing form the Olympic experience, where the ticketing problems resulted in an official apology form the Government Minister in charge. Thankfully the games didn’t suffer the same fate.
The planning for the ticket allocation for the Ashes series seemed sensible. Set up a site for the keen supporters, calling them ‘The Cricket Family’. Send them emails telling them how special they are and how easy it will be to get tickets. Keep up the excitement with a countdown on days to go- and get ready to order. Give them a personal access code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 43
July 2006
Mid Season Quiz 1. You find yourself partnered with Peg Leg in a three-legged race. Do you:
a. Tentatively ask him which one is his wonky knee
b. Take a chance and strap your right to his left.
c. Put some Algipan in your pocket just in case.
2. You are offered a ticket for the Old Trafford Ashes test match in 2009. Do you:
a. Grab it and give the tout £50.
b. Smile and say that you are in discussions with the Welsh Mafia.
3. As a dedicated Trainspotter you decide to attend a refresher course on the Duckworth Lewis Method.
a. You are not surprised to see Mark Boucher sitting next you.
b. You panic when you realise that you have forgotten your slide rule.
c. You lose the will to live when the instructor describes the circumstances under which the side batting second has to score fifty more runs than the side batting first amassed.
4. The following photo features the dreaded Jimmy and a selection of his Barmy Army cronies. All you have to do is identify the correct statement.
a. Man in yellow shirt: “I’ve no idea what the words are but I like standing up and shouting Aaaaagh!”
b. Naked man in cap: “Who said “Sit down?” Mind your own effing business. We paid our money and know our rights. We can stand up and piss off everyone else if we want to. If you don’t like it, you know what you can effing do.”
c. Jimmy: “ To think that I only do this to irritate the shit out of Jim Sharp.”
5. Following the extraordinary success of its new helicopter signal for a free hit the ICC invited suggestions for a signal for the new eight to be scored when the ball is hit out of the ground. Which was the successful proposal?
a. The umpire to raise and lower both arms at his sides in a scissors style manoeuvre.
b. The umpire to dance a dosey doe step.
c. The umpire to perform a handstand.
6. You receive a phone call from the Barmy Army inviting you to participate in its fancy dress wheeze at the Oval at which they are to attend as a troupe of fifty pantomime horses. They offer you one of the back halves.
a. You say sorry but the date clashes with the Rangers reserves away match at Brentford.
b. You ask whether you have to take your own straw.
c. You agree to do it but only on the strict understanding that Angelina Jolie will be the front half of your horse.
7. Which honorary Yorkshireman has made it into the Yorkshire All Time Greats XI, as voted by readers of the Yorkshire Post?
a. Sachin Tendulkar
b. Phil Jaques
c. Darren Lehmann
d. Michael Bevan
8. Who failed to get selected in the all time Yorkshire side?
a. Geoff Boycott
b. Phil Sharpe
c. Ray Illingworth
d. Brian Close
9. Which of the following test players has the highest test score in 2006?
a. Marcus Trescothick
b. Andrew Strauss
c. Matthew Hayden
d. Jason Gillespie
10. Which of the following test players has the highest personal test score?
a. Andrew Strauss
b. Kevin Pietersen
c. Michael Vaughan
d. Jason Gillespie
11. You are invited to play in a Charity Match but find that Muralitharan is guesting for the opposition. How do you handle this dilemma?
a. You take “Banger’s Leave”.
b. You request that Daryl Hair umpires at square leg when Murali is bowling.
c. You wear your “Doozras don’t fool me” T-shirt.
12. Duncan Fletcher says that he has his World Cup Squad sorted except for who is to bat at number eight. He calls on you to solve the final place. You reply:
a. There’s always Big Ronnie.
b. Remind him that Mark Butcher can bowl a bit.
c. Insist that the Welsh Wizard must come out of international retirement.
13. Geoffrey Boycott interviews you on Radio Five Live. He asks you “who was the greatest batsman of all time?”
a. He interrupts you with a cough when you start Don…
b. You try again but he interrupts again when you start Viv…
c. You feel uncomfortable but are interrupted yet again when you try Ricky…
d. You give up.
14. You go to Lords and find that The Great Jack Morgan is the only other spectator in the Compton Stand. What do you do?
a. You quietly creep back down the stairs
b. You sit next to him and remove all of your clothes.
c. You ask him the result of the second eleven match against Northants at Henley last season.
15. You are playing in a Middlesex league match and when you look up to take strike you notice that the umpire is Peter Ray. A panic creeps in; what do you do?
a. Before taking guard you politely ask after his and his family’s health.
b. You take guard a foot outside the leg stump.
c. You nervously point out that he has already given his regulation four LBWs this innings.
Southend Matters
Last summer I entertained some Googlies contributors at the Essex v Middlesex one day match in Southend, where Peter Butler organises the week. I shall be going again this year on Sunday 6th August with Peter and we will be happy to accommodate any Googlies readers, contributors or others, who would like to join us. To enable us to make the necessary arrangements with the organisers please reply by 15 July.
Middlesex matters The Great Jack Morgan updates us on Middlesex games seen and not seen this season so far
Through a combination of luck and good judgment, I have managed to avoid most of the Middlesex disasters so far this season. I saw three days of the Kent game which were not that bad and although the game was lost, it was only the last day (which I didn’t see) that was depressing and, anyway, that was mainly due to the gradual flattening out of the pitch. I only saw one day of the Warwickshire game, which was not a bad display. I have seen two convincing wins in the C&G. I saw two days of the 2s game against Essex at Uxbridge, where a depleted side did tolerably well to get a big first innings lead, but then draw comfortably with only nine fit to bat. And I saw the second and third days of the magnificent win at Southgate. I also set off for Reigate to see the first day of the 2s game against Surrey (I think we lost by eight wickets), but there was such a horrific traffic jam in the Esher/ Oxshott area that it had taken me so long (about 50 minutes) to cover about 5 miles (on my birthday too!) that I turned round and drove back home. I was away for the debacles at Southampton and Chester-le-Street, while poor weather and good judgment kept me away from Horsham.
It was great to see the spinners getting some success at Southgate, but I am not getting carried away. If you remember, a similar occurrence happened last year when Pepsi and ‘Rymple outbowled Shane Warne at Southgate, but it was only a few weeks later that we were in despair at their total inability to obtain any assistance from the spinless Lord’s wicket against Warwickshire, which allowed Troughton and Loudon to steal victory from us. I am delighted that Silvers is doing so well. 31 wickets at 21 is excellent... I’m just not quite sure how he is doing it: it is certainly not by metronomic accuracy! Johann and ‘Rymple are the only others in double figures. Johann had a much better game at Southgate, with bat as well as ball, so maybe he is coming back to form? Styris has not yet taken a first class wicket. Keegan has looked the most dangerous bowler in the games that I have seen, but this is not, so far, reflected in his first class figures, though he is comfortably top of the one-day bowling. The rumour at Uxbridge was that Richardson needs an operation on his elbow, but Bettsy was practising at Southgate and looked almost fit.
I don’t think that there is too much wrong with the batting except that they are all too damn impetuous except for Hutton, of course. Smithy is so intent on playing his shots at the top of the order that I am not sure that he should be opening at all: it is like sending K Pietersen out to open! No wonder he got three blongers on the trot! Scotty’s keeping looks better in the one-dayers, when he stands up to Silverwood and Keegan, than in the Championship, when he stands back and doesn’t look any better than anyone else. Unfortunately, Scotty’s batting has vanished down the toilet again and he will drop down the order soon as he has the lowest average of anybody in the side at present. I still think that Nash could get his place back through his superior batting, but he will not do so because he is unable to stay fit. Needless to say, he was one of the injured at Uxbridge, having dislocated his finger again. The win at Southgate took me totally by surprise; I had this one down for a draw. The wicket certainly took some spin and Richard Dawson turned the ball more than anyone I have seen in the last ten years, which includes Shane Warne. Bresnan is a promising player, but was trusted to bowl only 11 overs in this match and batted dreadfully in the second innings.
My criticism of Scotty’s batting worked wonders on Sunday as he went straight out and hit 73* in the C&G game against Surrey... but only off the Surrey 2s bowlers, so I will need more evidence than this that he has turned the corner. I didn’t go to the game as I had cleverly wangled free tickets for the finals day of the tennis at Surbiton.
Yes there is hope of avoiding relegation! Yorkshire’s second innings batting looked far worse than Middlesex’s while Notts appear to be the worst of the three. With only two going down, we just need to stay above those two, which means a good performance from our depleted team at Trent Bridge is absolutely essential.
And we all know what happened at Trent Bridge- bowled out for 49 and defeat by an innings
England Matters Alvin Nienow sent me these notes
If Panesar had been used more throughout the series, especially in the
First test, we would have won the series at least 2-1! Freddie either bowled too much, especially in the first test, or then arguably, under bowled himself. Also his field placing was pathetic; and not many runs either. Another fine player who can't captain-at least, he has a lot to learn and I doubt that he is capable of learning it. It took him a long time to use his talents at anything like their full potential just as a player. Captaining is a step too far.
Hedgcock Matters One of our resident Australians, Murray Hedgcock, is starting to become a regular contributor to these pages. Here is his response to last month’s edition
I think I'm beginning, like Liza Dolittle, to Get It i.e. your excellent budget is gradually hitting home. Does this mean I am approaching the state of true Anglification? Heaven forefend.... I have had my business cards duly adjusted to add the legend, "Contributor to Googlies & Chinamen", and attach a further offering for your consideration:
Skipping that unkind crack from the Professor about Australian Rules, “the oxymoron”; we do have rules - it’s just that so few of us who play can read. I move back to the greensward. Although as we play both cricket and footy on the same grounds in Godzone Country, it’s a mutual greensward, really.
I read with some unease the account by The Editor of his adventures at Lord’s, as experienced by the ticket-buying public. Having become comfortably accustomed to the duel access of MCC membership and a media pass (these immigrants grab everything English), I tend to forget the trials and travails of genuine cricket lovers - but they do have a knack of being closer to the play. And lacking the distracting amenities we get inside the hallowed Pavilion or the not-really-hallowed NatWest Media Centre, they may well watch more closely than do the privileged. I hope this thought cheers the ticket-buyers a smidge.
After her Lord’s Easter coaching, my ten-year-old granddaughter, Georgia, was on the lookout for a club to advance her cricketing education. This proved tricky: we are continually told how many opportunities there are for girls to play, but there appeared to be none handy to home.
However, we tracked down a club that has had honourable mentions in this chronicle, and so she is now a Teddington member, benefiting from the advice of real coaching, and not just Grandfather and (occasionally) Dad. But it did not take Touche Ross - or whoever they are today - to calculate that it has cost the better part of five hundred pounds to kit her out, send her to Lord’s, pay her club sub, etc. Is this still, sadly, a reason why the Summer Game struggles against that other 11-a-side pastime, where all you basically need is a football?
Ashes Matters and another Crawshay Offer Dick Crawshay vents his spleen over the ticketing arrangements for this winter’s activities and makes you all another generous offer
Well the Ashes series has started in earnest with the Australian side showing severe cracks in their armoury. The ticketing arrangements were a scandal. They simply learnt nothing form the Olympic experience, where the ticketing problems resulted in an official apology form the Government Minister in charge. Thankfully the games didn’t suffer the same fate.
The planning for the ticket allocation for the Ashes series seemed sensible. Set up a site for the keen supporters, calling them ‘The Cricket Family’. Send them emails telling them how special they are and how easy it will be to get tickets. Keep up the excitement with a countdown on days to go- and get ready to order. Give them a personal access code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
Googlies Volume 2 now available
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