GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 68
August 2008
Caption Competition
1. Peg Leg: Geoff, remind me what this guy’s name is?
I have not had a particularly lucky week. Last Monday was the start of Welwyn Garden City's Cricket Week and I like to go down for the whole week. I had a couple of meetings in London at the same time and so it was all looking very organised. In the event, I didn't see a ball bowled. It began raining on the Sunday and more or less continued to the Friday...a complete wash out. In the past this would have been a disaster. When I joined Welwyn I was amazed to find that they had no tradition of a "Cricket Week". I had been brought up to regard a successful cricket week as the means of financial salvation for any Club. It was close to a patriotic duty to attend every day and drink yourself stupid. And every club had one.
I got my new club to start one in the early '70s and it is still going, although from time to time it has just about limped along. But my impression is that cricket weeks are by no means as popular as they once were. Clubs have other sources of finance and mid-week availability is poor to non-existent. I wonder what current experience G&C readers have of the status of cricket weeks - are they a becoming a thing of the past? A bit of cricketing nostalgia along with pads with leather buckles and players not claiming catches that they know they have dropped?
Following the Cricket (sic) Week, we had a home League match against Henley. You will be pleased to know that at the half way stage in the Home Counties Premiership we are...half way. fifth out of ten, to be exact. We now start playing the other nine teams again in return fixtures. Henley duly arrived with Chad Keegan (ex Middlesex), Billy Taylor (present Hampshire one-dayers) and Mark Alleyne (ex England, Gloucestershire and a very nice chap). The rain, however, had still not left Hertfordshire and so we had a curtailed match which, in truth, never quite got going. We batted second and while most of the players fancied knocking off a modest total, the above trio proved very difficult to get away and so a tame draw resulted. I had lunch with the Henley Chairman and chatted about this and that. Since they were obviously paying a number of players, I asked about their finances. It seems that the annual "Royal Regatta" plays a large part. For the whole week Henley CC's ground becomes a car park. £25 a car is apparently a snip for the men in blazers and they are sold out every day. The upshot is enough money to maintain the ground and pay a few professional cricketers. The other example of this that I know of is Wimbledon CC, who do much the same with their ground for the fortnight. I remember Jack Simmons saying that Lancashire earn substantial sums in the winter from car parking for Manchester United home games. Let's hope that the future of cricket grounds is not as car parks.
Undeterred, I took myself off to Lords the next day for the Sunday of the Test. This was the day that Smith and McKenzie batted all day to save the match and it was, I think it fair to say, stoical viewing. The newspapers (or at least those that I saw) took the view that Vaughan captained the side quite well - but I thought he lacked any imagination. We have all experienced games where the batsmen are (for very understandable reasons) refusing to play any shots. What you have to do, is make them. We all know the routine - chuck the ball in the air, make them do something; embarrass them into playing a shot or two. Anything. England did none of this. Panesar bowled a lot of overs but most of it was a flat tight line and even, for a while, the Ashley Giles outside the leg stump line - presumably in the hope that he might get something out of the rough and that McKenzie would stop kicking it away. He didn't.
All-in-all a pretty grim week.
So back to sunny Yorkshire and the hope of better things...some hope...
Summer Quiz
1. You are offered tickets for the Twenty20 international against Australia next summer. The only apparent downside is that the group you will be sitting with will be dressed in Frankie Howerd face masks and at the end of each over will stand and say in unison “I should coco”. Do you:
a. Grab the ticket and start practising in front of your bedroom mirror.
b. Start to regret that you had ever been born.
c. Say “Sorry, I have already agreed to be a Flintstone”.
2. Unexpectedly you find yourself batting at number five for England. KP is at the other end taking strike and is still to get off the mark. You look across to mid on who is a mere twenty yards from the bat. Do you:
a. Use your bat as a shooting stick and resolve not to run regardless when KP hits the ball straight to him.
b. Stroll down the wicket and tell the PPS that you have a career to think about.
c. Wake up.
3. You agree to umpire in a club match but on arrival find that you will be officiating with Darryl Hare. Do you:
a. Tell him to relax and that you will be the one to make an arse of himself on this occasion.
b. Ask him if there are any new laws that you don’t know about.
c. Ask him if any games that he has umpired recently have run their full course.
b. Brush up on your Reformation history.
c. Wonder how many speakers must have turned down the invitation.
5. You are working out in the gym and find yourself pumping iron next to Graham Napier. Do you:
a. Ask him if he uses linseed oil on his bat.
b. Try to impress him by telling him you once hit the ball off the square twice in an over.
c. Tell him you bet he can’t spot your googly.
6. You agree to play in a charity match but at the last minute find that the venue has been switched to Old Trafford. Do you:
a. Suggest that they bring a drop-in wicket.
b. Tell your friends and family to bring all their own food and refreshments.
c. Hope that there hasn’t been a pop concert on the outfield the previous day.
7. Sir Allen Stanford offers you $1million to come up with some suggestions as to how to liven up his version of Twenty 20 cricket. Having swallowed any last vestiges of pride, which do you come up with?
a. Make the umpires officiate from a handstand position.
b. Introduce gunpowder to the black bats so that when the ball hits the middle a celebratory explosion will greet it
c. Lay a strip of concrete around the boundary and then have the sweeper fielders patrol it wearing roller blades.
7. You find yourself sitting next to Geoff Miller on the train on your way to Sophia Gardens. Do you:
a. Ask him if it’s true that he has had a bet on the Aussies for next year’s Ashes series.
b. Ask him why, having played himself with Bob Taylor, he makes modern bowlers put up with ham-fisted, slap-heads behind the stumps.
c. Wonder why either of you are going to Sophia Gardens.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan updates us
The Championship match between Middlesex and Northants at Uxbridge was an absolute cracker for the first three days, before a damp Wednesday spoiled the conclusion. Middlesex twice recovered from disastrous starts of 36 for 4 and 35 for 4 to boast a tolerable first innings total of 340 and an excellent second innings score of 401. The Middlesex top three of Strauss, Godleman and Shah amassed 36 from 6 completed innings (average 6), while the heroes at numbers 5 (Morgan), 6 (Malan) and 7 (Scott) saved the side in both innings with a total of 506 runs in 4 completed innings (average 126.5). As Straussy is on a central contract, it costs Middlesex money each time he plays for us, so next time Peter Moores offers Andy to Middlesex, I think we should say “thanks, but no thanks”. The outstanding player of the match, however, was the magnificent Johannes van der Wath, whose match figures of 42-8-128-12 indicate just how much he dominated the game. He thoroughly impressed us at Lord’s last year, but this was even better... and he can bat too! Poor Johannes has played a handful of ODIs for South Africa, but no Tests... if he were available, he would be the best pace bowling no 8 England has ever had. It just shows the strength of South Africa’s pace attack. Compare and contrast Johannes’s bowling figures at Uxbridge with those of their Test Match spinners Nicky Boje and Monty Panesar, whose combined figures (the squeamish should look away now) read 57-7-215-0.
Between the Middlesex innings, Northants batted exceptionally fluently in the first half of their innings, maintaining a rate of 6 an over for the first 40 overs. Most of the first hundred runs appeared to come off the edge, so Joycey soon posted a third man, who failed to curtail the scoring rate on an exceptionally fast outfield, unless (rarely) the ball went straight to him. I have seen quite a lot of Rob White in the 2s, so I know that he is capable of brilliance, but this was the first time that I had seen him be brilliant at first team level. His extremely rapid 127 was a fantastic effort, but he was badly let down by other good batters, which let Middlesex back in with a chance as the first innings deficit was only 37. It is the stuff of dreams that one’s team recovers from 35-4 and 105-6 to post 401, but that is what happened and Ben Scott is now making the runs that he always threatened to do... don’t be surprised if Geoff Miller comes to look at Scotty. Many spectators thought that Joycey should declare when the lead reached 300, but that target (in 90-odd overs) on a good track, a lightning fast outfield and against a weak attack would have been a gift to Northants. Joycey made the right decision and reduced Northants to a Middlesex-like 33-3, but despite that handicap, they scored at a rate that would have seen them to victory in a mere 63 overs if Joycey had declared with a lead of 300. As you know, inclement weather ruled out a result.
On a couple of days, I sat next to the BBC Radio London tent and on day three, Ed Smith emerged from the tent having done his stint on the radio. He immediately said “hallo” to me almost as if he knew me. He may have seen me around, but we had certainly never met before. He seemed like a nice bloke, so I don’t know why everyone hates him! He had just been for a scan on his ankle and (guess what)... yes it is broken, so he is wearing one of those huge pressurised boots. He says he will be playing in three weeks, but that sounds optimistic to me. Apparently Richo will be fit enough to play against South Africa and Kartik will play in the T20QF on Tuesday. He said that Silvers is progressing well, but that conflicts with other stories that he will not play again this season. I forgot to ask about Dirk.
I went to St Paul’s School, Barnes for the 50 over Second XI Trophy (Zone B) match between Middlesex and Notts; it was my first limited overs match of the season (and possibly my only one). Those who know the watering holes of the Hammersmith riverside should know that the ground is on the south riverbank immediately opposite the Black Lion; it was the thirteenth home ground on which I have seen Middlesex play. Middlesex won the toss and batted first and after the early loss of Compton, a fine stand of 134 between Sam Robson (63) and Dan Housego (92), who looked in excellent touch, put the home side in a great position to post a huge score. With a strong batting side that featured Adam London at no 8 and captain David Nash (again not keeping) at 9, a score of anything up to 300 was possible. It was disappointing, therefore, that no one else managed more than 26, and the innings closed on 247-9, a decent, but not unassailable total. Although I had seen Middlesex’s T20 specialist Tyron Henderson before, this was the first time that I had seen him bat or bowl and, unfortunately, he made a thoroughly unimpressive globe batting at no 5. The scoreboard had been pathetic in the early stages and was not much better later on with individual scores rarely displayed; let’s hope that the school does better (or was this Middlesex’s fault?) in the upcoming 3-dayer against Lancs. Of the Notts bowlers, the most successful were tall 19 year old seamer Andy Carter (3 for 49) and 21 year old left arm spinner Liam Andrews (3 for 26), both incidentally from Lincoln. When Notts batted, ex-Bucks opener Alex Hales (born in Middlesex) departed early, but Martyn Dobson (ex-Northants) with 31, MS Lineker (a tall elegant left-hander) with 45 and skipper Rob Ferley (ex-Kent) also with 31, attempted to keep them in the match. However, they lost wickets regularly to the lethargic medium pace of Henderson (3 for 24) and the leg-spin of Kabir Toor (3 for 56) and Mark Lawson (2 for 37) and lost easily by 52 runs. Recent centurion Shaun Levy would have been disappointed to be made twelfth man for this match, but he made his contribution while fielding sub for hamstring victim Housego when a direct hit ran out 18 year old all-rounder Scott Elstone. Gareth Berg was returning to fitness and contributed 20 runs towards the end of the Middlesex innings and six overs of gentle medium pace; despite the paucity of fit bowlers, he did not look like challenging for a first team place just yet. Dirk Nannes warmed up with the squad, but did not play in the match. Middlesex 247-9 (DM Housego 92, SD Robson 63) beat Notts, 195, by 52 runs.
Wright Matters Steve Wright sent me the following
I was enjoying a few zzzzz's one afternoon in front of the TV when I woke up in time to see Middlesex v Lancashire at the Oval in the Twenty20. Dawid Malan (sort of English if you stretch it a bit) played a quite beautiful innings first of all to rescue Middlesex and then to win the game virtually single handed. His timing and stroke play was glorious . The TV theory as to his performance was that he is young enough not to have had his natural stroke play and aggression coached out of him and that in a Twenty20 there is no place for caution. If this is true then there must be a place for this form of the game, even for the purists/diehards of the County Cricket circuit.
What I really want to canvass some opinions about, though, is money. According to my old friend David Perrin Middlesex clubs do not pay their players. Is this correct? The Great Jack Morgan gave us a report on a Middlesex v Kent second eleven fixture which included favourable write ups to Alex Blake, James Goodman and Warren Lee. These three play in the Premier division of the Kent League, Blake and Goodman for Beckenham and Lee for Blackheath (check it out at kcl.play-cricket.com) Blake and Goodman do well with the bat but Blake takes few wickets and neither does Lee. So five wickets for Blake against Middlesex reflects pretty badly on the Middlesex batting. Bromley have been the dominant club in the Kent league for several years but the balance of power seems to be shifting to Beckenham.
Bromley are unpopular because they eschew home grown talent in favour of imported stars but this year these seem a little thin on the ground. Nadeem Shahid and Matthew Dennington are still there but Alan Wells looks to have packed up. These players are unlikely to be turning out because of a deep affection for Bromley. The established order was upset last season when St Lawrence won the championship. At the presentation dinner their captain proudly said that they were the only team in the league who did not pay their players. His best player James Lincoln then left the club because (I understand) they would not assist him financially when he went on the CCC tour of Australia (managed by Alf Langley). He now plays for Bickley Park in Division 1 and word has it that he is being handsomely rewarded for so doing. Bickley will almost certainly be promoted this year.
Another example is Hartley Country Club who are on the up and flying high in the Premier Division. They field Min Patel, Martin Saggers and James Hockley as well as half of the old Bexley team. Apparently a "friend” of Bexley had an argument at the club and left. Presumably the players joined him because he is a good bloke.
Almost every club in the top 3 or 4 divisions has an overseas player. The standard arrangement is to pay his return fare and arrange a job for him during the season. Over the last 5 years or so Bromley and Ealing have been two of the strongest sides in the country and Middlesex is generally regarded as the strongest of the home county leagues. Do players get paid? Not very far from Middlesex to Kent is it?
Minor County Matters The Great Jack Morgan relates further outings
I went to Finchampstead for the first day of the Berkshire v Herefordshire MCCA Championship (Western Division) match. The forecast said it would be dry with some sun, but it did not mention the arctic winds that would be scything across the pitch. Berks included former Hampshire players Mitchell Stokes and Jono McLean as well as current Hants player David Griffiths, former Leicestershire player Carl Crowe and ex-Bucks and Middlesex 2s man Steve Naylor. It was the second time this season that McLean has been spotted as he turned out for Essex 2s at the Vine in May, scoring 11 and 24, falling to Gareth Berg in each innings. There was no sign of Richard Johnson however, though I know that he has played for them this season. You probably wouldn’t know any of the Herefordshire players, but their opening bowler Simon Roberts has played for Middlesex 2s, several other county 2nd XIs and MCCYCs. Stokes got Berks off to a terrific start with an exhilarating 48 off the first 12 overs and although they slumped to 88 for 3, McLean and Naylor both hit centuries to leave Berks on an extremely healthy 301-3 at tea with McLean on 105 and Naylor on 103. At one stage just before tea, both players were on 99 which I am sure is unique in my 50 years of playing and watching. I cannot tell you what happened after that because I was so cold that I got in the car, turned the heater on and drove home!
Rather than face the Finchampstead tundra again, I went to the Oval today for the first day of 2nd XI Championship game between Surrey and Sussex. Unusually for a 2s game, nearly all of the 24 players were familiar to me, the only ones who were not were batsmen Jason Roy (Surrey) and James Beeny (Sussex) and pace bowlers Ed Morse (Surrey) and Sussex’s excellent left arm quickie, Neil Wagner. Sussex set off at a terrific pace, but they were losing wickets regularly. England U-19s keeper Ben Brown was the Sussex star with 59, but ex-Surrey man Rory Hamilton-Brown’s 32 was the only other score above 15. Pace bowlers took all ten wickets as the Sussex innings folded for 209. Best of the bowlers was Tim Linley (ex-Sussex) with four wickets and there were two each for Stuart Meaker, Lee Hodgson and James Benning. Skipper Stewart Walters’s stodgy 52* in 46 overs ensured that the Surrey innings did not fall apart, but it might easily have done if more of the many edges (especially off Wagner) had gone to hand. Entertainment was provided by Benning who arrived at 100 for 2 and hit a rapid 35* before Surrey reached the close at a comfortable 158 for 2.
Tartan Ton Matters
John Goodall is one of Keith Hardie’s touring party and tells us about his cricketing career:
I was introduced to cricket by my dad who was a Yorkshireman and a great follower of the game. I joined Stenhousemuir Cricket Club when I was eleven and attended the Tuesday night coaching sessions run by Robert Paterson who taught me how to play straight (I didn’t listen very well) and how to bowl. Whilst all this was going on, I learned the game by being 1st X1 scorer for a few years. Here I watched proudly as the Muiries stuffed the ‘posh’ lot from Edinburgh and the other lot from the West. We were geographically situated between Edinburgh and Glasgow and were seen as a pain as they had to travel to play us. I had the pleasure of scoring whilst the boys did the business; Zuill senior, Hardie x 2, Melville, Bell, Paterson, the list is endless…
I made my debut for the 3rd XI when I was about 13 and played with the great WK Mitchell and Millar Hardie who taught me how to stop the ball with my foot. The club became the main part of life to many of us and every opportunity was spent practising or playing. Ahhh! I was too young to drink at this stage. Anyway, I progressed through the 2nds and then to the 1st X1 making my debut in the league at 17. My life was about to change. Swearing, drinking. My apprenticeship was taking place with expert guidance from amongst others, Tommy Dickson, Sid Rycroft and our tea-total driver Brendan Clark. The support and encouragement was fantastic as we enjoyed our way to some great successes.
Thanks to the encouragement and coaching of all the auld yins I was selected as an opening bowler at District, Scotland Under 21 and then Scotland ‘B’ levels where I mixed with the toffs from the East, the funny speaking lot from the West and, of course, the Stirling boys who were best described as talented drunks. I moved to England in 1987 and played in the Hampshire league where I was regularly told that they didn’t know cricket was played in Scotland. So…, I took the team on two tours to Scotland where we didn’t win a game. Moved to Bedfordshire in 1992 and joined Ampthill Town Cricket Club. I am now playing for the Sunday 2nd XI.
Keith noted: The mechanism of stopping a ball with one’s foot as demonstrated by Hardie senior requires copious sharp studs. Stopping the ball is easy but its subsequent removal from the studs, while unsupported, becomes increasingly difficult with age. The resultant damage to the ball meant that reverse swing came into play in the second or third over; who needs bottle tops?
Geoff Cleaver
It was with much sadness that I learned of the death of Geoff Cleaver in early July. Geoff was an Old Dane and it was at school that I first encountered him. He was four or five years older than me and became one of my early cricketing heroes as a substantial run accumulator for the first eleven. The pace of this accumulation was pedestrian but that didn’t much matter as his footballing chums, Andy Patterson and John Jackson, were prepared to give the ball a tonk at the other end. After the sixth form Geoff went off to Oxford and I didn’t hear anything of him for a while. Meanwhile, I had joined South Hampstead and met his older brother, Bob, who was a fringe first team player doing a bit of batting and a bit of bowling.
Geoff with Bill Hart in 2004
Geoff was a member of Shepherds Bush and I started to encounter him again during cricket week activities but I was always surprised that he was unable to repeat his batting prowess there. Indeed his performance on the field had become something of a joke and he was rarely selected above the third eleven. My contemporaries explained that he had “gone in the eyes”. However, Geoff had always been an amusing companion in an ironic, laconic sort of way and had started to become a popular speaker on the club circuit. In the mid seventies when he spoke at the South Hampstead annual dinner I ranked it as the funniest I had heard on such occasions. I last saw Geoff at the South Hampstead Reunion in 2004 where as usual he kept a low profile and, those he came into contact with, amused.
I asked for contributions and received the following:
Brian Howard: “The only thing I remember from playing with him as a thirteen year old in the Bush thirds was that he never scored any runs, took any wickets and could only throw the ball 20 yards! But he was an awesome and very well respected after dinner speaker.”
Steve Thompson: “A tragic loss - such a very funny man. I will always remember his sense of perfect timing when he spoke publicly. The very first time I spoke at a dinner (inevitably at SH) the rest of the line up was Sharp, Cutler, Cleaver - and cutting they were.”
John Adams: “He was a very good example of how people with very little natural ability can teach themselves to play cricket at an acceptable standard...or at least look as if they can hold a bat. He was also, I recall, the most unlikely winner of a "Dance the Locomotion" competition at the Bush where the rhythm seemed to suit a rotund rocking on the spot which Geoff regarded as dancing.”
Flintstone Matters
In the last edition I described an excruciating trip to Old Trafford for the Twenty 20 international against New Zealand where the Professor, George, Martin Hurley and I sat behind a row of Fred Flintstone impersonators. Through the magic of his mobile phone George captured a series of studies of the fat oaf who was sitting in front of me. Since the images still return to me in a recurring nightmare I thought that I should share them with the readers.
I was hoping that this would bring an end to the whole unhappy episode but then George forwarded me this from his new pal, Seamus O’Flaherty:
“Well I was across from Ireland for a few days and me and me mates decided to go to this 20:20 game of cricket. We only went for a bit of fun really, so we decided to get dressed up as the Flintstones so that we could get on the telly. We got there nice and early and started tanking up with a few beers. You can see that we were on pretty good form, getting some great craic. I’m not exactly sure who was batting, though I think England was playing. It was all going fine, though we couldn’t get the Mexican wave going right off.
Suddenly I turned around looking for a bit of applause and there was this row of old geets behind me who didn’t see the joke. Anyway this miserable old hoor started shouting siddown at me. Who does he think he is? Starts going on about coming to see the cricket. He goes on and on blaggarding me and I start to get confused about the game and need another beer. Anyway, I need a leak so I went off to the jacks to a big cheer and it was all over when I got back. In the end I don’t know who won, but I wish I’d slapped the little gobshite a bit. Beejeezus, what a Miserable Geet!”
Monkey Matters
At Lords Jimmy Anderson suddenly became the best Mid-On in the world following two stunning catches. But how did he do it? Well, the answer may be the result on his new on-field dietary habits. Twenty minutes after lunch the twelfth man came on to prop him up with firewater or whatever is in the mystery bottles that constantly are lugged on and off the field. But he was also offered and accepted a peeled banana. Where will this end? Perhaps Monty will try out a few yoghurts with his magic brew and Freddie may call for the pork scratchings with his brown ale.
Mailbox Matters
One of my regular correspondents sent me this:
Dear Jimbo,
Well...Good Grief! What can one say? One is almost lost for words! It was bad enough when I was told that those chappies we allow to play at Headquarters, from time to time, had entered this vulgar "Twenty/Whatsit" competition...but now I hear they have gone and won the bally thing! How simply appalling! Cricket used to be a gentleman's game, but not any more. It's all crash-bash now. Or cash-bash I should say. It seems that these coves, having undermined centuries of tradition, are now off to the Caribbean where some frightful American chap is going to pay them millions to do the whole dreadful thing again! Millions! There used to be a time when those who played our glorious game for money were content with a decent tradesman's wage (in the summer). They had their own little entrance to the ground and were pleased to bowl at our chaps when they were down from school or Oxford. I doubt if this lot have been to a school of any sort.
I didn't see the appalling farrago of course, but good old Bo Bo Tiffen told me that about 20,000 of the great unwashed squeezed into some provincial ground to witness the whole dreadful spectacle. Apparently there were fireworks, music (if you please!) and half naked dancing girls. Ye Gods! There was cheering and shouting and hugging and kissing...and that was just the players!! It seems it was on the Box as well, but mercifully on one of those obscure channels that nobody watches. But that's not the worst of it! These chaps don't even play in flannels! According to Bo Bo (and he may have had a few too many sherbets...it being a Saturday night) they take the field wearing pink! PINK! And the ball is white! Instead of the players wearing white and the ball being red, its the other way about! And when they aren't slogging and swiping the ball all over the park they are diving around and going arse-over-tip on the floor! Of course the 20,000 plebeians all thought it was great fun. Fun! Dammit, they are supposed to be playing cricket!
When I heard about it I naturally assumed that these Pinko chaps were another one of Brown's socialist attempts to undermine the country. All of a piece, I thought, with making me take out a second mortgage to fill up the Bentley. But no! These Pinko's also call themselves the "Crusaders". That upset good old Bunty Hussain, I can tell you. It seems that these Crusader chappies did some dastardly things to some of Bunty's forbears. It must have been quite dreadful, sitting down in their tents to a nice supper of kebabs and goats milk and lo-and-behold a great mob of sword-waving Pinko's come over the hill about to slice them to bits and do unmentionable things to their womenfolk. And we let this lot play at Headquarters!
I'm going to have a word about all this I can tell you. I and thousands of right-thinking chaps like us must stand up for the right to toddle along to Headquarters have a little post-prandial nap in the stands with the dangers of some loutish oaf slogging the ball in our direction or having so-called music blaring out at us. If I want music I can pop along to our village hall where I'm told a very fine production of HMS Pinafore is being played. But first, as luck would have it, I'm meeting up with one of these Pinkos’s next week. Someone called "Owais", or some such. I shall give him a piece of my mind I can tell you. But will it do any good? Probably not. He will probably think its a good thing that thousands go and watch him and the other Pinko's play...and that they will all end up rich. No doubt he will just say that I'm..."old fashioned".
Pip! Pip! Johners
Football Matters
Despite a terrific response to last month’s competition to select new kit for Andrew Baker’s Ladies Soccer team from Kelvin West’s exclusive designs none of them won! This was because Eric Tracey came up with another design of his own and took it to Andrew Baker himself. Kelvin and Andrew were equally impressed with Eric’s work and they were delighted when he insisted on assisting with the first fittings in the changing rooms. A selection of the kit is shown below, beautifully photographed, as usual, by Kelvin.
Sunday 7th September On Sunday 7th September South Hampstead are hosting the Middlesex Cup Final in which, at the time of writing, they could be participating. The club has designated the event a Ladies Day at which current and former members are invited to bring their wives, daughters, sisters and nieces. This is not restricted to South Hampstead members and members and former members of other clubs will be more than welcome. Lunch will be served around 2pm and costs £15 per head including wine. Reservations can be made through Bob Peach (0208 459 7692) or me, as below.
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 68
August 2008
Caption Competition
1. Peg Leg: Geoff, remind me what this guy’s name is?
- Darren Pattinson: Oih, you in the white hat. I’ll bowl from this end.
- Peg Leg: Do you bowl left or right arm, Darren?
- Jimmy Anderson: Excuse me skip, but he’s not going to be my ice bath buddy.
- Peg Leg: What do you mean we are picking the England side on form now? What am I going to do next week?
- Peg Leg: Of course I’m going to the Caribbean in the autumn. Duncan has invited me to his villa.
- Peg Leg: You have to be aware that South Africa are a very good side, in fact probably one of the best three in the world, and when they play a piss poor mediocre side they can be expected to win.
I have not had a particularly lucky week. Last Monday was the start of Welwyn Garden City's Cricket Week and I like to go down for the whole week. I had a couple of meetings in London at the same time and so it was all looking very organised. In the event, I didn't see a ball bowled. It began raining on the Sunday and more or less continued to the Friday...a complete wash out. In the past this would have been a disaster. When I joined Welwyn I was amazed to find that they had no tradition of a "Cricket Week". I had been brought up to regard a successful cricket week as the means of financial salvation for any Club. It was close to a patriotic duty to attend every day and drink yourself stupid. And every club had one.
I got my new club to start one in the early '70s and it is still going, although from time to time it has just about limped along. But my impression is that cricket weeks are by no means as popular as they once were. Clubs have other sources of finance and mid-week availability is poor to non-existent. I wonder what current experience G&C readers have of the status of cricket weeks - are they a becoming a thing of the past? A bit of cricketing nostalgia along with pads with leather buckles and players not claiming catches that they know they have dropped?
Following the Cricket (sic) Week, we had a home League match against Henley. You will be pleased to know that at the half way stage in the Home Counties Premiership we are...half way. fifth out of ten, to be exact. We now start playing the other nine teams again in return fixtures. Henley duly arrived with Chad Keegan (ex Middlesex), Billy Taylor (present Hampshire one-dayers) and Mark Alleyne (ex England, Gloucestershire and a very nice chap). The rain, however, had still not left Hertfordshire and so we had a curtailed match which, in truth, never quite got going. We batted second and while most of the players fancied knocking off a modest total, the above trio proved very difficult to get away and so a tame draw resulted. I had lunch with the Henley Chairman and chatted about this and that. Since they were obviously paying a number of players, I asked about their finances. It seems that the annual "Royal Regatta" plays a large part. For the whole week Henley CC's ground becomes a car park. £25 a car is apparently a snip for the men in blazers and they are sold out every day. The upshot is enough money to maintain the ground and pay a few professional cricketers. The other example of this that I know of is Wimbledon CC, who do much the same with their ground for the fortnight. I remember Jack Simmons saying that Lancashire earn substantial sums in the winter from car parking for Manchester United home games. Let's hope that the future of cricket grounds is not as car parks.
Undeterred, I took myself off to Lords the next day for the Sunday of the Test. This was the day that Smith and McKenzie batted all day to save the match and it was, I think it fair to say, stoical viewing. The newspapers (or at least those that I saw) took the view that Vaughan captained the side quite well - but I thought he lacked any imagination. We have all experienced games where the batsmen are (for very understandable reasons) refusing to play any shots. What you have to do, is make them. We all know the routine - chuck the ball in the air, make them do something; embarrass them into playing a shot or two. Anything. England did none of this. Panesar bowled a lot of overs but most of it was a flat tight line and even, for a while, the Ashley Giles outside the leg stump line - presumably in the hope that he might get something out of the rough and that McKenzie would stop kicking it away. He didn't.
All-in-all a pretty grim week.
So back to sunny Yorkshire and the hope of better things...some hope...
Summer Quiz
1. You are offered tickets for the Twenty20 international against Australia next summer. The only apparent downside is that the group you will be sitting with will be dressed in Frankie Howerd face masks and at the end of each over will stand and say in unison “I should coco”. Do you:
a. Grab the ticket and start practising in front of your bedroom mirror.
b. Start to regret that you had ever been born.
c. Say “Sorry, I have already agreed to be a Flintstone”.
2. Unexpectedly you find yourself batting at number five for England. KP is at the other end taking strike and is still to get off the mark. You look across to mid on who is a mere twenty yards from the bat. Do you:
a. Use your bat as a shooting stick and resolve not to run regardless when KP hits the ball straight to him.
b. Stroll down the wicket and tell the PPS that you have a career to think about.
c. Wake up.
3. You agree to umpire in a club match but on arrival find that you will be officiating with Darryl Hare. Do you:
a. Tell him to relax and that you will be the one to make an arse of himself on this occasion.
b. Ask him if there are any new laws that you don’t know about.
c. Ask him if any games that he has umpired recently have run their full course.
- You hear that Ed Smith will be speaking at your club’s end of season supper. Do you:
b. Brush up on your Reformation history.
c. Wonder how many speakers must have turned down the invitation.
5. You are working out in the gym and find yourself pumping iron next to Graham Napier. Do you:
a. Ask him if he uses linseed oil on his bat.
b. Try to impress him by telling him you once hit the ball off the square twice in an over.
c. Tell him you bet he can’t spot your googly.
6. You agree to play in a charity match but at the last minute find that the venue has been switched to Old Trafford. Do you:
a. Suggest that they bring a drop-in wicket.
b. Tell your friends and family to bring all their own food and refreshments.
c. Hope that there hasn’t been a pop concert on the outfield the previous day.
7. Sir Allen Stanford offers you $1million to come up with some suggestions as to how to liven up his version of Twenty 20 cricket. Having swallowed any last vestiges of pride, which do you come up with?
a. Make the umpires officiate from a handstand position.
b. Introduce gunpowder to the black bats so that when the ball hits the middle a celebratory explosion will greet it
c. Lay a strip of concrete around the boundary and then have the sweeper fielders patrol it wearing roller blades.
7. You find yourself sitting next to Geoff Miller on the train on your way to Sophia Gardens. Do you:
a. Ask him if it’s true that he has had a bet on the Aussies for next year’s Ashes series.
b. Ask him why, having played himself with Bob Taylor, he makes modern bowlers put up with ham-fisted, slap-heads behind the stumps.
c. Wonder why either of you are going to Sophia Gardens.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan updates us
The Championship match between Middlesex and Northants at Uxbridge was an absolute cracker for the first three days, before a damp Wednesday spoiled the conclusion. Middlesex twice recovered from disastrous starts of 36 for 4 and 35 for 4 to boast a tolerable first innings total of 340 and an excellent second innings score of 401. The Middlesex top three of Strauss, Godleman and Shah amassed 36 from 6 completed innings (average 6), while the heroes at numbers 5 (Morgan), 6 (Malan) and 7 (Scott) saved the side in both innings with a total of 506 runs in 4 completed innings (average 126.5). As Straussy is on a central contract, it costs Middlesex money each time he plays for us, so next time Peter Moores offers Andy to Middlesex, I think we should say “thanks, but no thanks”. The outstanding player of the match, however, was the magnificent Johannes van der Wath, whose match figures of 42-8-128-12 indicate just how much he dominated the game. He thoroughly impressed us at Lord’s last year, but this was even better... and he can bat too! Poor Johannes has played a handful of ODIs for South Africa, but no Tests... if he were available, he would be the best pace bowling no 8 England has ever had. It just shows the strength of South Africa’s pace attack. Compare and contrast Johannes’s bowling figures at Uxbridge with those of their Test Match spinners Nicky Boje and Monty Panesar, whose combined figures (the squeamish should look away now) read 57-7-215-0.
Between the Middlesex innings, Northants batted exceptionally fluently in the first half of their innings, maintaining a rate of 6 an over for the first 40 overs. Most of the first hundred runs appeared to come off the edge, so Joycey soon posted a third man, who failed to curtail the scoring rate on an exceptionally fast outfield, unless (rarely) the ball went straight to him. I have seen quite a lot of Rob White in the 2s, so I know that he is capable of brilliance, but this was the first time that I had seen him be brilliant at first team level. His extremely rapid 127 was a fantastic effort, but he was badly let down by other good batters, which let Middlesex back in with a chance as the first innings deficit was only 37. It is the stuff of dreams that one’s team recovers from 35-4 and 105-6 to post 401, but that is what happened and Ben Scott is now making the runs that he always threatened to do... don’t be surprised if Geoff Miller comes to look at Scotty. Many spectators thought that Joycey should declare when the lead reached 300, but that target (in 90-odd overs) on a good track, a lightning fast outfield and against a weak attack would have been a gift to Northants. Joycey made the right decision and reduced Northants to a Middlesex-like 33-3, but despite that handicap, they scored at a rate that would have seen them to victory in a mere 63 overs if Joycey had declared with a lead of 300. As you know, inclement weather ruled out a result.
On a couple of days, I sat next to the BBC Radio London tent and on day three, Ed Smith emerged from the tent having done his stint on the radio. He immediately said “hallo” to me almost as if he knew me. He may have seen me around, but we had certainly never met before. He seemed like a nice bloke, so I don’t know why everyone hates him! He had just been for a scan on his ankle and (guess what)... yes it is broken, so he is wearing one of those huge pressurised boots. He says he will be playing in three weeks, but that sounds optimistic to me. Apparently Richo will be fit enough to play against South Africa and Kartik will play in the T20QF on Tuesday. He said that Silvers is progressing well, but that conflicts with other stories that he will not play again this season. I forgot to ask about Dirk.
I went to St Paul’s School, Barnes for the 50 over Second XI Trophy (Zone B) match between Middlesex and Notts; it was my first limited overs match of the season (and possibly my only one). Those who know the watering holes of the Hammersmith riverside should know that the ground is on the south riverbank immediately opposite the Black Lion; it was the thirteenth home ground on which I have seen Middlesex play. Middlesex won the toss and batted first and after the early loss of Compton, a fine stand of 134 between Sam Robson (63) and Dan Housego (92), who looked in excellent touch, put the home side in a great position to post a huge score. With a strong batting side that featured Adam London at no 8 and captain David Nash (again not keeping) at 9, a score of anything up to 300 was possible. It was disappointing, therefore, that no one else managed more than 26, and the innings closed on 247-9, a decent, but not unassailable total. Although I had seen Middlesex’s T20 specialist Tyron Henderson before, this was the first time that I had seen him bat or bowl and, unfortunately, he made a thoroughly unimpressive globe batting at no 5. The scoreboard had been pathetic in the early stages and was not much better later on with individual scores rarely displayed; let’s hope that the school does better (or was this Middlesex’s fault?) in the upcoming 3-dayer against Lancs. Of the Notts bowlers, the most successful were tall 19 year old seamer Andy Carter (3 for 49) and 21 year old left arm spinner Liam Andrews (3 for 26), both incidentally from Lincoln. When Notts batted, ex-Bucks opener Alex Hales (born in Middlesex) departed early, but Martyn Dobson (ex-Northants) with 31, MS Lineker (a tall elegant left-hander) with 45 and skipper Rob Ferley (ex-Kent) also with 31, attempted to keep them in the match. However, they lost wickets regularly to the lethargic medium pace of Henderson (3 for 24) and the leg-spin of Kabir Toor (3 for 56) and Mark Lawson (2 for 37) and lost easily by 52 runs. Recent centurion Shaun Levy would have been disappointed to be made twelfth man for this match, but he made his contribution while fielding sub for hamstring victim Housego when a direct hit ran out 18 year old all-rounder Scott Elstone. Gareth Berg was returning to fitness and contributed 20 runs towards the end of the Middlesex innings and six overs of gentle medium pace; despite the paucity of fit bowlers, he did not look like challenging for a first team place just yet. Dirk Nannes warmed up with the squad, but did not play in the match. Middlesex 247-9 (DM Housego 92, SD Robson 63) beat Notts, 195, by 52 runs.
Wright Matters Steve Wright sent me the following
I was enjoying a few zzzzz's one afternoon in front of the TV when I woke up in time to see Middlesex v Lancashire at the Oval in the Twenty20. Dawid Malan (sort of English if you stretch it a bit) played a quite beautiful innings first of all to rescue Middlesex and then to win the game virtually single handed. His timing and stroke play was glorious . The TV theory as to his performance was that he is young enough not to have had his natural stroke play and aggression coached out of him and that in a Twenty20 there is no place for caution. If this is true then there must be a place for this form of the game, even for the purists/diehards of the County Cricket circuit.
What I really want to canvass some opinions about, though, is money. According to my old friend David Perrin Middlesex clubs do not pay their players. Is this correct? The Great Jack Morgan gave us a report on a Middlesex v Kent second eleven fixture which included favourable write ups to Alex Blake, James Goodman and Warren Lee. These three play in the Premier division of the Kent League, Blake and Goodman for Beckenham and Lee for Blackheath (check it out at kcl.play-cricket.com) Blake and Goodman do well with the bat but Blake takes few wickets and neither does Lee. So five wickets for Blake against Middlesex reflects pretty badly on the Middlesex batting. Bromley have been the dominant club in the Kent league for several years but the balance of power seems to be shifting to Beckenham.
Bromley are unpopular because they eschew home grown talent in favour of imported stars but this year these seem a little thin on the ground. Nadeem Shahid and Matthew Dennington are still there but Alan Wells looks to have packed up. These players are unlikely to be turning out because of a deep affection for Bromley. The established order was upset last season when St Lawrence won the championship. At the presentation dinner their captain proudly said that they were the only team in the league who did not pay their players. His best player James Lincoln then left the club because (I understand) they would not assist him financially when he went on the CCC tour of Australia (managed by Alf Langley). He now plays for Bickley Park in Division 1 and word has it that he is being handsomely rewarded for so doing. Bickley will almost certainly be promoted this year.
Another example is Hartley Country Club who are on the up and flying high in the Premier Division. They field Min Patel, Martin Saggers and James Hockley as well as half of the old Bexley team. Apparently a "friend” of Bexley had an argument at the club and left. Presumably the players joined him because he is a good bloke.
Almost every club in the top 3 or 4 divisions has an overseas player. The standard arrangement is to pay his return fare and arrange a job for him during the season. Over the last 5 years or so Bromley and Ealing have been two of the strongest sides in the country and Middlesex is generally regarded as the strongest of the home county leagues. Do players get paid? Not very far from Middlesex to Kent is it?
Minor County Matters The Great Jack Morgan relates further outings
I went to Finchampstead for the first day of the Berkshire v Herefordshire MCCA Championship (Western Division) match. The forecast said it would be dry with some sun, but it did not mention the arctic winds that would be scything across the pitch. Berks included former Hampshire players Mitchell Stokes and Jono McLean as well as current Hants player David Griffiths, former Leicestershire player Carl Crowe and ex-Bucks and Middlesex 2s man Steve Naylor. It was the second time this season that McLean has been spotted as he turned out for Essex 2s at the Vine in May, scoring 11 and 24, falling to Gareth Berg in each innings. There was no sign of Richard Johnson however, though I know that he has played for them this season. You probably wouldn’t know any of the Herefordshire players, but their opening bowler Simon Roberts has played for Middlesex 2s, several other county 2nd XIs and MCCYCs. Stokes got Berks off to a terrific start with an exhilarating 48 off the first 12 overs and although they slumped to 88 for 3, McLean and Naylor both hit centuries to leave Berks on an extremely healthy 301-3 at tea with McLean on 105 and Naylor on 103. At one stage just before tea, both players were on 99 which I am sure is unique in my 50 years of playing and watching. I cannot tell you what happened after that because I was so cold that I got in the car, turned the heater on and drove home!
Rather than face the Finchampstead tundra again, I went to the Oval today for the first day of 2nd XI Championship game between Surrey and Sussex. Unusually for a 2s game, nearly all of the 24 players were familiar to me, the only ones who were not were batsmen Jason Roy (Surrey) and James Beeny (Sussex) and pace bowlers Ed Morse (Surrey) and Sussex’s excellent left arm quickie, Neil Wagner. Sussex set off at a terrific pace, but they were losing wickets regularly. England U-19s keeper Ben Brown was the Sussex star with 59, but ex-Surrey man Rory Hamilton-Brown’s 32 was the only other score above 15. Pace bowlers took all ten wickets as the Sussex innings folded for 209. Best of the bowlers was Tim Linley (ex-Sussex) with four wickets and there were two each for Stuart Meaker, Lee Hodgson and James Benning. Skipper Stewart Walters’s stodgy 52* in 46 overs ensured that the Surrey innings did not fall apart, but it might easily have done if more of the many edges (especially off Wagner) had gone to hand. Entertainment was provided by Benning who arrived at 100 for 2 and hit a rapid 35* before Surrey reached the close at a comfortable 158 for 2.
Tartan Ton Matters
John Goodall is one of Keith Hardie’s touring party and tells us about his cricketing career:
I was introduced to cricket by my dad who was a Yorkshireman and a great follower of the game. I joined Stenhousemuir Cricket Club when I was eleven and attended the Tuesday night coaching sessions run by Robert Paterson who taught me how to play straight (I didn’t listen very well) and how to bowl. Whilst all this was going on, I learned the game by being 1st X1 scorer for a few years. Here I watched proudly as the Muiries stuffed the ‘posh’ lot from Edinburgh and the other lot from the West. We were geographically situated between Edinburgh and Glasgow and were seen as a pain as they had to travel to play us. I had the pleasure of scoring whilst the boys did the business; Zuill senior, Hardie x 2, Melville, Bell, Paterson, the list is endless…
I made my debut for the 3rd XI when I was about 13 and played with the great WK Mitchell and Millar Hardie who taught me how to stop the ball with my foot. The club became the main part of life to many of us and every opportunity was spent practising or playing. Ahhh! I was too young to drink at this stage. Anyway, I progressed through the 2nds and then to the 1st X1 making my debut in the league at 17. My life was about to change. Swearing, drinking. My apprenticeship was taking place with expert guidance from amongst others, Tommy Dickson, Sid Rycroft and our tea-total driver Brendan Clark. The support and encouragement was fantastic as we enjoyed our way to some great successes.
Thanks to the encouragement and coaching of all the auld yins I was selected as an opening bowler at District, Scotland Under 21 and then Scotland ‘B’ levels where I mixed with the toffs from the East, the funny speaking lot from the West and, of course, the Stirling boys who were best described as talented drunks. I moved to England in 1987 and played in the Hampshire league where I was regularly told that they didn’t know cricket was played in Scotland. So…, I took the team on two tours to Scotland where we didn’t win a game. Moved to Bedfordshire in 1992 and joined Ampthill Town Cricket Club. I am now playing for the Sunday 2nd XI.
Keith noted: The mechanism of stopping a ball with one’s foot as demonstrated by Hardie senior requires copious sharp studs. Stopping the ball is easy but its subsequent removal from the studs, while unsupported, becomes increasingly difficult with age. The resultant damage to the ball meant that reverse swing came into play in the second or third over; who needs bottle tops?
Geoff Cleaver
It was with much sadness that I learned of the death of Geoff Cleaver in early July. Geoff was an Old Dane and it was at school that I first encountered him. He was four or five years older than me and became one of my early cricketing heroes as a substantial run accumulator for the first eleven. The pace of this accumulation was pedestrian but that didn’t much matter as his footballing chums, Andy Patterson and John Jackson, were prepared to give the ball a tonk at the other end. After the sixth form Geoff went off to Oxford and I didn’t hear anything of him for a while. Meanwhile, I had joined South Hampstead and met his older brother, Bob, who was a fringe first team player doing a bit of batting and a bit of bowling.
Geoff with Bill Hart in 2004
Geoff was a member of Shepherds Bush and I started to encounter him again during cricket week activities but I was always surprised that he was unable to repeat his batting prowess there. Indeed his performance on the field had become something of a joke and he was rarely selected above the third eleven. My contemporaries explained that he had “gone in the eyes”. However, Geoff had always been an amusing companion in an ironic, laconic sort of way and had started to become a popular speaker on the club circuit. In the mid seventies when he spoke at the South Hampstead annual dinner I ranked it as the funniest I had heard on such occasions. I last saw Geoff at the South Hampstead Reunion in 2004 where as usual he kept a low profile and, those he came into contact with, amused.
I asked for contributions and received the following:
Brian Howard: “The only thing I remember from playing with him as a thirteen year old in the Bush thirds was that he never scored any runs, took any wickets and could only throw the ball 20 yards! But he was an awesome and very well respected after dinner speaker.”
Steve Thompson: “A tragic loss - such a very funny man. I will always remember his sense of perfect timing when he spoke publicly. The very first time I spoke at a dinner (inevitably at SH) the rest of the line up was Sharp, Cutler, Cleaver - and cutting they were.”
John Adams: “He was a very good example of how people with very little natural ability can teach themselves to play cricket at an acceptable standard...or at least look as if they can hold a bat. He was also, I recall, the most unlikely winner of a "Dance the Locomotion" competition at the Bush where the rhythm seemed to suit a rotund rocking on the spot which Geoff regarded as dancing.”
Flintstone Matters
In the last edition I described an excruciating trip to Old Trafford for the Twenty 20 international against New Zealand where the Professor, George, Martin Hurley and I sat behind a row of Fred Flintstone impersonators. Through the magic of his mobile phone George captured a series of studies of the fat oaf who was sitting in front of me. Since the images still return to me in a recurring nightmare I thought that I should share them with the readers.
I was hoping that this would bring an end to the whole unhappy episode but then George forwarded me this from his new pal, Seamus O’Flaherty:
“Well I was across from Ireland for a few days and me and me mates decided to go to this 20:20 game of cricket. We only went for a bit of fun really, so we decided to get dressed up as the Flintstones so that we could get on the telly. We got there nice and early and started tanking up with a few beers. You can see that we were on pretty good form, getting some great craic. I’m not exactly sure who was batting, though I think England was playing. It was all going fine, though we couldn’t get the Mexican wave going right off.
Suddenly I turned around looking for a bit of applause and there was this row of old geets behind me who didn’t see the joke. Anyway this miserable old hoor started shouting siddown at me. Who does he think he is? Starts going on about coming to see the cricket. He goes on and on blaggarding me and I start to get confused about the game and need another beer. Anyway, I need a leak so I went off to the jacks to a big cheer and it was all over when I got back. In the end I don’t know who won, but I wish I’d slapped the little gobshite a bit. Beejeezus, what a Miserable Geet!”
Monkey Matters
At Lords Jimmy Anderson suddenly became the best Mid-On in the world following two stunning catches. But how did he do it? Well, the answer may be the result on his new on-field dietary habits. Twenty minutes after lunch the twelfth man came on to prop him up with firewater or whatever is in the mystery bottles that constantly are lugged on and off the field. But he was also offered and accepted a peeled banana. Where will this end? Perhaps Monty will try out a few yoghurts with his magic brew and Freddie may call for the pork scratchings with his brown ale.
Mailbox Matters
One of my regular correspondents sent me this:
Dear Jimbo,
Well...Good Grief! What can one say? One is almost lost for words! It was bad enough when I was told that those chappies we allow to play at Headquarters, from time to time, had entered this vulgar "Twenty/Whatsit" competition...but now I hear they have gone and won the bally thing! How simply appalling! Cricket used to be a gentleman's game, but not any more. It's all crash-bash now. Or cash-bash I should say. It seems that these coves, having undermined centuries of tradition, are now off to the Caribbean where some frightful American chap is going to pay them millions to do the whole dreadful thing again! Millions! There used to be a time when those who played our glorious game for money were content with a decent tradesman's wage (in the summer). They had their own little entrance to the ground and were pleased to bowl at our chaps when they were down from school or Oxford. I doubt if this lot have been to a school of any sort.
I didn't see the appalling farrago of course, but good old Bo Bo Tiffen told me that about 20,000 of the great unwashed squeezed into some provincial ground to witness the whole dreadful spectacle. Apparently there were fireworks, music (if you please!) and half naked dancing girls. Ye Gods! There was cheering and shouting and hugging and kissing...and that was just the players!! It seems it was on the Box as well, but mercifully on one of those obscure channels that nobody watches. But that's not the worst of it! These chaps don't even play in flannels! According to Bo Bo (and he may have had a few too many sherbets...it being a Saturday night) they take the field wearing pink! PINK! And the ball is white! Instead of the players wearing white and the ball being red, its the other way about! And when they aren't slogging and swiping the ball all over the park they are diving around and going arse-over-tip on the floor! Of course the 20,000 plebeians all thought it was great fun. Fun! Dammit, they are supposed to be playing cricket!
When I heard about it I naturally assumed that these Pinko chaps were another one of Brown's socialist attempts to undermine the country. All of a piece, I thought, with making me take out a second mortgage to fill up the Bentley. But no! These Pinko's also call themselves the "Crusaders". That upset good old Bunty Hussain, I can tell you. It seems that these Crusader chappies did some dastardly things to some of Bunty's forbears. It must have been quite dreadful, sitting down in their tents to a nice supper of kebabs and goats milk and lo-and-behold a great mob of sword-waving Pinko's come over the hill about to slice them to bits and do unmentionable things to their womenfolk. And we let this lot play at Headquarters!
I'm going to have a word about all this I can tell you. I and thousands of right-thinking chaps like us must stand up for the right to toddle along to Headquarters have a little post-prandial nap in the stands with the dangers of some loutish oaf slogging the ball in our direction or having so-called music blaring out at us. If I want music I can pop along to our village hall where I'm told a very fine production of HMS Pinafore is being played. But first, as luck would have it, I'm meeting up with one of these Pinkos’s next week. Someone called "Owais", or some such. I shall give him a piece of my mind I can tell you. But will it do any good? Probably not. He will probably think its a good thing that thousands go and watch him and the other Pinko's play...and that they will all end up rich. No doubt he will just say that I'm..."old fashioned".
Pip! Pip! Johners
Football Matters
Despite a terrific response to last month’s competition to select new kit for Andrew Baker’s Ladies Soccer team from Kelvin West’s exclusive designs none of them won! This was because Eric Tracey came up with another design of his own and took it to Andrew Baker himself. Kelvin and Andrew were equally impressed with Eric’s work and they were delighted when he insisted on assisting with the first fittings in the changing rooms. A selection of the kit is shown below, beautifully photographed, as usual, by Kelvin.
Sunday 7th September On Sunday 7th September South Hampstead are hosting the Middlesex Cup Final in which, at the time of writing, they could be participating. The club has designated the event a Ladies Day at which current and former members are invited to bring their wives, daughters, sisters and nieces. This is not restricted to South Hampstead members and members and former members of other clubs will be more than welcome. Lunch will be served around 2pm and costs £15 per head including wine. Reservations can be made through Bob Peach (0208 459 7692) or me, as below.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]