GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 42
June 2006
A Pleasant Morning at Lords
I had a good run to Lords for the first day of the Sri Lanka test and arrived at about 9.45 a.m. which meant that I was able to take my time after entering the ground. This was just as well as there was much activity to be encountered. Having submitted my ticket at the turnstile I then had to subject my bag for an inspection, which was less rigorous and more polite than that regularly encountered at O’Hare airport. I thought that that was it but as soon as I had my bag’s wheels in operation again I was accosted by another member of the Green Team who wanted to pat me down. There are some, of course, who might enjoy this intimacy but I just find it irritating.
By the time that you have been successfully passed by this triumvirate you feel that you have achieved highly to actually get into the ground. But it was much too pleasant a morning to dwell on the indignities and so I sauntered around the Nursery. I expected to see the players having a net but that was too old fashioned of me. They of course were all on the main playing arena carrying out their warm up exercises. Someone must spend a lot of time recruiting young ladies to act in various capacities on these occasions. The first one I encountered proffered a business card and invited me to join her for wine in the wine tent at lunchtime. I foolishly thought that she had specially selected me and mistook this for a personal invite. The next made my morning as she presented me with one of those cards distributed on behalf of npower with a four printed on one side and a six printed on the other. I can now keep this in my living room at home and wave it along with those present at future televised matches whenever a boundary is hit. It could actually prove to be good exercise during a highlights programme.
By this time I had reached the scorecard kiosk where a brace of beauties relieved me of 80p for a sheet of cardboard with twenty-two names printed on it. At another booth two more uniformed ladies beckoned to me to succumb to the delights of a “souvenir programme” for the modest price of £4. I thought that I would work out the players’ nicknames for myself and resisted this temptation. I was beginning to think that I must have put on the right aftershave when a burly chap approached me and asked me to step this way to join the England Supporters Club for free. It only took me a split second to realise that this was almost certainly a euphemism for the Barmy Army and so I declined and trudged on towards the Mound Stand. I resisted the temptation to go into the shop selling England shirts, England caps, England bats and other overpriced merchandise, almost bumped into a dishevelled Derek Pringle, who is enormously tall, and entered the Mound Stand through the Q entrance.
Everyone else must have done rather better with the girls than I had as I was just about the first person to take his seat in the entire stand. But there was much in progress on the field of play. Both teams were going through their ridiculous warm up procedures with their bevy of reserves, trainers, physios and advisers. There was also a huge number of media personnel collected around the still virgin wicket presumably making predictions about what the ball is going to do. Ian Botham is always easy to pick out in these groupings since his tailor is over generous with the material he allocates to make his jackets that bulge around him like a sail and hang down almost to his knees. The Green Team is also in evidence as they take up their positions around the perimeter to keep hooligans like me from running onto the pitch when I become overexcited.
The England team must have thought that they could impress me by carrying out their exercises in front of the Mound Stand. I am pretty much in favour of anything that involves a cricket ball, but the games are absurd. At one point the players broke into two teams and after putting jumpers down to make goals embarked on a form of handball played with a soft rubbery blue ball. This was almost as insane as the Professor’s witnessing rugby league at Scarborough. The exercise seemed specifically designed to generate twisted knees and ankles and bruising from elbow activity on almost any part of the body. Monty was particularly inept at this, but that shouldn’t have surprised me since like Tufnell before him he is unsuited to any ball activity apart from bowling. The England players then tried to catch slip catches offered by Fletch and in the light of what subsequently followed they should have concentrated solely on this. The fast bowlers then went over to the Grandstand side and demonstrated their actions. Jon Lewis participated in this in the ridiculous pretence that he might still get a game. Perhaps he was planning to nobble someone if they had another game of handball.
Interestingly Murali chose not to demonstrate his action in this warm up. I suppose that it would have been just too embarrassing to have two hundred wannabee umpires in the stands call you for throwing before the match had started. And suddenly the players collected up all their toys and put them in massive holdalls and disappeared off to the pavilion leaving just the media hordes all over the playing area. Everyone fills in their time saying or thinking what a prat Botham is for saying that it is going to swing, seam, turn, break up before lunch, after lunch, today, by the third day, never, etc. And then Freddie reappeared resplendent in his whites but without a blazer but who has he got with him? It turns out that cricket has borrowed another bad habit from football and he now needs a mascot with him to toss up. David Gower pipes up that the little boy is recovering from an illness and that the coin to be used for the toss is an eighteenth century shilling. Why? And do we really need this information? Well it worked for Freddie since Jayawardene called incorrectly and then Freddie had to explain to the media why he had chosen to bat. I suppose that it would have been more embarrassing if he had had to explain why he had chosen to field. This enabled the media circus to troop off which for reasons that neither I nor my colleagues, who had by now joined me, just left Mike Gatting standing marooned half way to the Nursery end for the longest time. Young Dave Myers thought that he looked slim which actually gave me hope.
Young Dave Myers David Boyd, Joe Ford and Peter Guishard enjoying the May sun at Lords
The good news was that there was no sign of the Barmy Army, just hundreds of schoolchildren at the back of the Mound Stand and under the Edrich Stand who had presumably got concessions or maybe even free tickets. Their occasional excited outbursts were irritating but as nothing compared with the endlessly repetitive moronic singing of the Barmy Army. Just to the left of us in the Mound Stand a group of young men arrived and started to dress themselves up in dinner jackets and black ties. They must have thought this a jolly wheeze. But it didn’t last long because as soon as the sun got round to us they sweltered and in no time had had to remove their funny garb and sit in shirtsleeves like the rest of us.
An interesting weekend – three days at the Test Match and one at Welwyn Garden City.
The Professor took over from me and sends us this update
Given that you are in thrall to the Australian potentate you doubtless saw a great deal of the Test on the TV. I was there on Friday and came away with the same view as everyone else – namely that this was a one-sided affair. I had the same opinion on Sunday…except it was a different side. In fact amidst all the chatter about dropped catches, I didn’t read much about how many times the ball went past the bat. All four quicks beat the bat time and time again – Plunkett especially on Sunday and Flintoff on Monday. One over from Flintoff at the Pavilion end to Vaas had him playing at every ball and only laying the bat on the last delivery. Of course, when they did find the edge, they dropped it. I think that England ought to be relatively up beat about their performance (except of course the catching) but if they bowl that well every game they should manage to get sides out. The only down-side, or so it seems to me, is that the four quicks all feel rather much the same – all right arm, all about the same speed, all moved the ball about (swing and seam) with Panesar the only variation.
As you know, I am an aficionado of the “warm-up”, and on Sunday England did one that was new to me. I got to the ground a little (unnecessarily) early to see the England team playing a game on the outfield. The “pitch” was staked out like a 5-a-side football pitch – little plastic posts for goals, goalkeepers in them, touch lines, etc. and the team was playing with a smallish plastic football. However they weren’t kicking it. What you had to do was catch the ball and hand-bat it on, in the form of a pass. If you ran with the ball you had to bounce it up and down on your hand rather like Hurley players do on their sticks. I think Australian “Rules” footballers (a well-known oxymoron) do something similar by bouncing the ball and then patting it to a team member. However, this seemingly pointless activity went on for about half-an-hour. Cook looked to be the star player while Monty, of course, was rubbish. I assume it was playing this game that Strauss injured himself on Friday and so was unable to field. It perhaps doesn’t need to be said that a half hour catching practice might have been a better use of the time.
On to happier matters at WGCCC. We won our first league game on Saturday against a well-fancied Knebworth Park side. From a pretty grim 50-5 we recovered to 170, which even on a start-of-the-season pitch didn’t seem enough. However our two new boys both had good games - Aaron Laraman getting a couple of early wickets and Murti Hussain a spectacular 6-48 in his first match. Murti, you will recall, came with a reputation of bowling very few bad balls. I counted eight in his 20 overs while some harsher critics got it into double figures. In any event, it looks as though the runs our opponents score this season will have to come from the other end…it all looks very good…so far.
Hedgcock Matters Murray Hedgcock sent me these notes
I was somewhat startled to read an item in your latest lively edition from Charlie Puckett, remembering vividly the chap of that name who for years led the West Australian attack before that State was admitted to the Sheffield Shield. He then contributed materially to WA's triumph in winning the Shield in its first year in the competition (1947-8). Puckett was incidentally known as “Iron Man" for his stamina as a fast-medium bowler - and was born in Surrey, at Beddington. He died four years ago, aged 90. Were there truly TWO cricketing Charlie Pucketts?
I also offer for your consideration an update on my own cricket activities - coaching of my granddaughter in the back garden, which you recorded a year or two back. She graduated this year, aged ten, to Easter coaching at Lord's, confident that there would be a number of girls, as women's cricket continues to advance, and they are rightly now admitted to the classes. Surprise, surprise: she was the sole girl with 46 boys in her squad. Aren't your readers signing up their granddaughters? Or should it be daughters? For the radicals among your lot who get The Guardian - she was the girl pictured in that paper's photo special on Lord's preparing for the new season.
Stark Matters
Super Surfer Steve Thompson got straight onto the net when he read the match Report that featured South Hampstead’s Australian centurion, Richard Stark. He sent me this:
“I think this is Richard Stark as he is today - I remember he was a neurosurgeon and this came up. It does look as though it might be him - it was 30 years ago!”
South Hampstead Matters
I am indebted to Ian McIntosh who sent me early season newspaper cuttings from the Kilburn Times which reported that the club will hope to improve on last season’s position of seventh in the Middlesex Second Division under new captain James Williams. At this stage last year’s captain, Paul Atheley, and leading batsman Asad Shah had left for Hampstead but the grapevine tells me that they have returned and will bolster the club’s resources.
The first league match was against Harrow and after being put in Harrow made a challenging 256 for 5. But wicket keeper and vice captain, Zia Sialvi, added over 150 with Williams who was eventually out for 78. Sialvi went on to make 100 but the rain prevented an exciting finish leaving South Hampstead on 207 for 4. The next two matches against Shepherds Bush and Southgate were both washed out without a ball being bowled.
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor sent me this report of another sunny day in Yorkshire
Thursday was a beautiful Spring day in Yorkshire so I resolved to give my wife a treat…I took her to Headingley. And treat it turned out to be, or so I thought. Just under 300 runs scored and 11 wickets taken and lots of interest in the game. Headingley was a picture (unlike the dismal pile that we saw is now Old Trafford); shirtsleeves and sun cream…perfect. The only blip was the catering arrangements that continue to be on the grim side of modest, although I did manage to renew your acquaintance with the tea lady that you took a shine to on our last visit here.
The match was nicely poised when we arrived… and when we left… with Sussex having a slight first innings lead after a shaky first session. The batting star was Prior who, notwithstanding his winter tour, looked easily the best Sussex batsman on show. At the other end Hopkinson somehow got to 60-odd, playing and missing more times than you could count. I suppose at least he had the tenacity to stick around…or just couldn’t get out. It was the first I’d seen of Martin-Jenkins, who batted at No. 7, and while the shot selection didn’t seem that great, he is a very clean striker of a cricket ball and looks, of course, just like his Dad.
Yorkshire’s opening attack of Hoggard and Gillespie might well be the best they have all year but Prior didn’t seem to have any great difficulty strumming them around. Given the constant debate about Jones it is always interesting to look at ‘keepers. Yorkshire, in this game, fielded Guy who is a “typical” wicketkeeper – short, busy, full of chat, etc., but he has struggled to keep a place in the first team. Prior is, of course, much taller and more athletic and, on this form, certainly as good a bat as Jones. I still think Scott is the best ‘keeper I’ve seen in the past couple of years but since you have to be a (very good) batter, he seems destined to remain at county level.
There was a nice little cricketing vignette towards the end of the game. Prior had been running out of partners when he was joined by the Sussex long-time no.11 Lewry. Now this is a man who I don’t think ought to be allowed to bat in a proper cricket match. To see a grown man, let alone a professional cricketer, back away to anything but the slowest bowling is little short of shameful. I doubt if there is a single “Googlies” reader who would not be ashamed at stepping away to Tim Bresnan…but Lewry did. Indeed he stepped so far back that had he not possessed a good eye he might well have been bowled by a wide.
Yorkshire employed the usual “give them a single” approach to Prior and he turned most of them down until the 4th or 5th ball. The problem came when he faced a new over from Hoggard on 99. Anyone who has played the game could see the dilemma – take the one and be thought of as selfish…play out most of the over and risk getting out. What to do? In the event he played the first two back and then (as I later learned on orders from the pavilion) took a single off the third ball. Lewry survived (God knows how) so all was well. A couple of quick wickets at the end of the day (including the double centurion Gillespie) saw Sussex on top, a position they occupied at the end of the match on Saturday.
A couple of days later we went to the other Mecca of cricket which is Welwyn Garden City to see a warm up (sic) match against West Herts. We didn’t get far before the weather closed in but it gave me an opportunity to chat to our two new star signings: Aaron Laraman, who we saw play for Somerset last year and Murti Hussain who has played over 120 first class games in Pakistan. Murti bowls off-breaks and tells me that he “usually” gets “Red Mist” Afridi out in representative games. “For how many?” is the obvious question and “a couple of sixes” is the modest answer. Rain prevented me seeing Murti bowl but Martin James, who knows what he is looking at, tells me that he is very good indeed. Specifically: “If you’re going to wait for the bad ball, you’re going to wait a very long time” (except he didn’t say “very”). So to add these two to a pretty good side we confidently expect to win the League…now where have I heard that before??
Ashes Matters The Great Jack Morgan was quick to disagree with my prediction as to who Fletch would have in his side for Brisbane: “I do not think that many will agree that your team for Brisbane is either likely or desirable. Teams always evolve either because of injury or because new players emerge to replace the elderly and trying to get some of those old crocks on to the pitch may not be possible. You have often warned of the dangers of relying on players of doubtful fitness, so I am surprised that you would even mention such a plan. I think there are serious question marks against Butcher (yesterday’s man?), Vaughan (fitness), G Jones (ability), Giles (fitness), S Jones (fitness) and maybe even Banger (mental case?). I am not sure about all the replacements, but Cooky and Colly are fixtures in Dunc’s plans.”
He later added:
“Did you hear the announcement of twenty-five names for the “development squad”? Shah and Joyce are in, but not Key or Butcher; Read is in, but not Prior; Loudon is in, but not Udal; Broad and Lewis are in, but not Tremlett. I was shocked that Fletch has included only two wicket keepers: for someone who likes two keepers in the eleven, I would have expected about five keepers in a squad of 25! But I am not quite sure of the purpose of this squad. Take Joyce, for example: he does not appear to be very close to the team, but in theory, Dunc could now withdraw him from Middx matches if he wanted to, but why would he withdraw someone who seems to be about ninth or tenth in line for a batting spot? So why include him in a “development squad”? I do not see the point of it. It would seem to serve only to piss off the likes of Key (who must wonder why he bothered to lose all that weight) and Prior, who will now see themselves as cast adrift. Why does he think that this is a good idea? I would prefer to let everyone continue to think that they were in with a good chance.”
Cardinal Puff Matters Robin Ager sent me these historic notes
Thought you might like to see the following conclusion to the report of a match between Turnham Green and Stains (sic) in 1856, quoted in this year's TG handbook: “On time being called, Stains had one wicket to fall and 30 runs to get; but unfortunately for their honour as cricketers, they had recourse to every species of petty manoeuvring to waste time and make it a drawn game". What an elegant way to express the thought "you cheating bastards".
In the same year, another game against the Gentlemen of Chiswick was followed "in the evening by a good dinner, with subsequent conviviality and appropriate toasts". It is not clear if this was an early form of Cardinal Puff, nor is there mention of Jim Franklin or Harry Baylis orchestrating the proceedings.
Peach Matters
I noted in an earlier edition that Bob Peach is more or less running Middlesex cricket single-handedly this season. In the light of the early season lack of success I decided to try and influence matters and so sent him an email: “Why don't Middlesex sign Murali Kartik? He is one of the world's best spinners and inexplicably didn't play for India in the winter.”
When Bob returned from another long scouting trip with John Emburey looking for more middle aged seamers he sent me this reply: “No need. Ian McIntosh is back from holiday.”
It is, of course, good to hear that Middlesex has a plan to fill its gaping spin void and no doubt Mac will be relieved to know that if he bowls from the pavilion end at Lords he will benefit from slope assistance and will be in no danger of developing a sore spinning finger. But in the unlikely event that he gets a wicket there will be a new candidate to join the class action suit against him.
Trainspotting Matters George has been very quiet on cricketing matters for some time and then suddenly out of the blue he burst into a tripartite email correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan and myself posing the following penetrating question:
“I think I noticed that when Hampshire routed Middlesex, Shane Warne came on as 5th change bowler in the 2nd innings. My question is: has a 5th change bowler ever taken seven wickets in a first class innings before?”
This is not the sort of thing that I would begin to have any idea about but I had noticed that when Middlesex had been dismissed for under a hundred in their first innings Hamburger had not bowled at all and so I saved faced by responding along those lines.
The Great Jack Morgan always likes a challenge and so his response was a little disappointing:
“This sounds like one for Walmsley to me! Sorry to take so long to come up with this pathetic response, my excuse is that I'm just got back from a fortnight in Greece.”
And that seemed to be the end of the matter until a few days later George received this from the Great man:
“Tony Cordle took 9 for 49 as fifth change bowler for Glamorgan against Leics at Colwyn Bay in 1969.”
That should keep George quiet again for a while.
Premature Sherbets Charlie Pucket sent me this bid for the fastest drinks interval I can beat your drinks interval two minutes after tea! In the Evening Standard Challenge Trophy Final in 2002, Teddington lost a wicket to the first ball of their innings (and therefore the first ball after lunch) immediately, the 12th man rushed on bearing large brandies (or something) for our intrepid explorers!
Don't forget to keep checking www.cricketofficials.co.uk to see what Stuart-King and his band of brothers have been up to. We hope to have some more, very exciting, news for you shortly!
I think I’ve got one in here The Professor is always fascinated by what the Great Jack Morgan carries with him to cricket matches in his enormous holdall. When I spoke with Jim Revier recently he suggested that after reading Robin Ager’s article in the last edition about the prohibitions on taking stuff into the ground in India Jack would be unable to carry any of his booty with him at such venues. Our conversation became silly speculating that he would have to carry items in rather than on his person.
However, I was able to witness the Great man in action at Lords myself in April when after a meeting in town I popped along to see the second day of the match against Kent. Jack was not hard to find, as up in the Compton stand he was located behind the sightscreen in splendid isolation with no one within thirty seats of him in any direction. I was wearing a business suit and as the sun came out at lunchtime I took off my jacket and tie whilst Jack removed his trousers and socks.
During this phase of play Middlesex did surprisingly well and I thought that maybe Jack adjusts his dress in accordance with signals from John Emburey to gain favour with the cricketing gods. However, as the afternoon wore on the clouds reappeared and it became decidedly chilly. Jack put his anorak on but for reasons that I was unable to fathom remained barefooted. I was getting increasingly chilled and made what I thought was an amusing request for some additional clothing. Jack looked puzzled and then rummaged around in his bag and pulled out a spare long sleeved sweater for me. I was grateful at the time and eagerly pulled on the garment. It was only later that I speculated how many other requests he might have been able to fulfil from the depths of his mammoth bag. Did he have a primus in there in case anyone fancied a hot meal? How many editions of Wisden were concealed in case they had to be referred to? If we got bored could he have produced a lap dancer to entertain us?
Red Mist Matters
After Surrey had made 501 for 7 in their first innings, there was some rain interference in this match and Worcestershire, having successfully avoided the follow-on, declared on 353-9, still 148 runs behind. Surrey then hit 136-3 in just 50 balls either side of lunch, setting their opponents 285 to win from 62 overs. Rikki Clarke blasted five sixes in a quick 57 not out with Stephen Moore's three overs costing 61.
Phil Jaques, on his Worcestershire debut, and Moore got their side into a strong position as they reached 95-0 off 8.4 overs but another rain delay of two hours made their job much harder. However, the runs kept on coming at a good rate, even after Jaques who scored 107 off just 69 balls and Moore (57) had been dismissed. Ben Smith kept produced an unbeaten 46 from 34 balls. Zaheer Khan came out to bat at number 10 with just two balls remaining and four wanted. But he hit his first ball off Nayan Doshi for six to give Worcestershire victory. They reached 287 for 8 in just 32 overs.
Brondesbury Recruitment Matters
At the beginning of the season Brondesbury placed an advert in the local paper seeking “players of all standards”. Aspiring candidates were asked to submit their details to none other than the league chairman himself, Bob Baxter. He must have had mixed feelings when he received this response from former South Hampstead colleague, Ken James:
“Hi, Mr Baxter. Regarding your advertisement recently placed in the Ham and High, I submit the following details which I am sure will be of interest to your club. Although I have not played for a couple of seasons I am keen to resurrect my playing career and feel that I would quickly reach my former high standard of achieving, regularly, one hundred wickets a season at a very good strike rate.
I note that your club fields five league sides and I would aspire to at least the second eleven. However, this could present something of a problem since I believe you employ an umpire at this level with whom I have been previously acquainted and who has caused me innumerable problems both on and off the field at the club for which I last played and I would not wish to get involved with any similar eccentricities again. However, if he could be moved to a lower level then any doubts I have about playing for your club would be removed. Indeed I might even be able to encourage my former spin-twin partner, Peg-leg Patel, to join me and so renew our former lethal playing partnership, to your club’s undoubted advantage.
Incidentally, unlike most players of a similar standard, I am not seeking any financial return for my efforts, although I cannot speak for Peg-leg in this regard. I look forward to hearing from you but in the interest of short term anonymity please confine your answer to my email address.
P.S. If everything works out I may be able to bring a number of my former playing colleagues with me. Most of them will not seek financial reward but would expect their ethnic needs to be respected, in both the provision of non-alcoholic drinks and availability of halal food at the tea interval.”
Irritating trends in modern cricket – Number 37
At the end of the first day of the Lords test we had the farcical situation of Hoggard appearing as night watchman for Collingwood. This was bad enough but through the remaining overs the batsmen started refusing singles to keep him on strike and none other than KP away from it. Whatever the confidence level is supposed to be in the England camp they displayed a feeble, lily livered side here. It would have served Collingwood and co right if Hoggard had done a Dizzy on Friday.
Rangers Matters
The Great Jack Morgan reports “Jim Revier tells me that G Waddock has announced a huge clear out. These chaps are out of contract and won’t be getting a new one: Santos, Langley, Youssouf, Kus, Johnson and Townsend; while this bunch is still under contract, but is now on the transfer list: Moore, Doherty, Evatt, Ukah, Bignot, Lomas, Hislop and Bircham. The trouble is, I don’t think we’ve got any confidence in Gary’s judgment, have we? To replace those chaps, he is signing Damion Stewart, Armel Tchakoonte and Nick Ward. I expect these are all household names to keen followers of the game!”
Strange Elevens
I am unable to give you the Jazz Hat worn by those players listed in the last edition because the Great Jack Morgan has not yet divulged it to me. He has developed a new sadistic streak in taunting me about my pathetic attempts to figure them out. Here is his latest gibe:
“All cricketers? Yes, good. All international cricketers? Very good, so it is something that they have all done in international cricket. Perhaps they have all scored a Test century? Hmm, doubt it. Or maybe they have all taken five wickets in an innings? Don’t think so, do you? Or have they all deputised as wicket keeper? Unlikely isn’t it? Keep going and you will get there.”
Just when I thought that you may have to wait a long time to get the answer I received the following: “It is 31st May and you will surely be requiring the answer to the Strange XI you published last month: they all captained their countries (mainly in ODIs).”
Football Matters
Kelvin West’s local park side is looking for a new manager. He sent me this photo to see if any reader would be interested in helping out. But you had better be quick as Sven will soon be out of a job.
Match Report
We conclude this edition with the Professor’s third match report:
1. WGCCC v Hemel Hempstead - Pissed down
What ever happened to summer??
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 42
June 2006
A Pleasant Morning at Lords
I had a good run to Lords for the first day of the Sri Lanka test and arrived at about 9.45 a.m. which meant that I was able to take my time after entering the ground. This was just as well as there was much activity to be encountered. Having submitted my ticket at the turnstile I then had to subject my bag for an inspection, which was less rigorous and more polite than that regularly encountered at O’Hare airport. I thought that that was it but as soon as I had my bag’s wheels in operation again I was accosted by another member of the Green Team who wanted to pat me down. There are some, of course, who might enjoy this intimacy but I just find it irritating.
By the time that you have been successfully passed by this triumvirate you feel that you have achieved highly to actually get into the ground. But it was much too pleasant a morning to dwell on the indignities and so I sauntered around the Nursery. I expected to see the players having a net but that was too old fashioned of me. They of course were all on the main playing arena carrying out their warm up exercises. Someone must spend a lot of time recruiting young ladies to act in various capacities on these occasions. The first one I encountered proffered a business card and invited me to join her for wine in the wine tent at lunchtime. I foolishly thought that she had specially selected me and mistook this for a personal invite. The next made my morning as she presented me with one of those cards distributed on behalf of npower with a four printed on one side and a six printed on the other. I can now keep this in my living room at home and wave it along with those present at future televised matches whenever a boundary is hit. It could actually prove to be good exercise during a highlights programme.
By this time I had reached the scorecard kiosk where a brace of beauties relieved me of 80p for a sheet of cardboard with twenty-two names printed on it. At another booth two more uniformed ladies beckoned to me to succumb to the delights of a “souvenir programme” for the modest price of £4. I thought that I would work out the players’ nicknames for myself and resisted this temptation. I was beginning to think that I must have put on the right aftershave when a burly chap approached me and asked me to step this way to join the England Supporters Club for free. It only took me a split second to realise that this was almost certainly a euphemism for the Barmy Army and so I declined and trudged on towards the Mound Stand. I resisted the temptation to go into the shop selling England shirts, England caps, England bats and other overpriced merchandise, almost bumped into a dishevelled Derek Pringle, who is enormously tall, and entered the Mound Stand through the Q entrance.
Everyone else must have done rather better with the girls than I had as I was just about the first person to take his seat in the entire stand. But there was much in progress on the field of play. Both teams were going through their ridiculous warm up procedures with their bevy of reserves, trainers, physios and advisers. There was also a huge number of media personnel collected around the still virgin wicket presumably making predictions about what the ball is going to do. Ian Botham is always easy to pick out in these groupings since his tailor is over generous with the material he allocates to make his jackets that bulge around him like a sail and hang down almost to his knees. The Green Team is also in evidence as they take up their positions around the perimeter to keep hooligans like me from running onto the pitch when I become overexcited.
The England team must have thought that they could impress me by carrying out their exercises in front of the Mound Stand. I am pretty much in favour of anything that involves a cricket ball, but the games are absurd. At one point the players broke into two teams and after putting jumpers down to make goals embarked on a form of handball played with a soft rubbery blue ball. This was almost as insane as the Professor’s witnessing rugby league at Scarborough. The exercise seemed specifically designed to generate twisted knees and ankles and bruising from elbow activity on almost any part of the body. Monty was particularly inept at this, but that shouldn’t have surprised me since like Tufnell before him he is unsuited to any ball activity apart from bowling. The England players then tried to catch slip catches offered by Fletch and in the light of what subsequently followed they should have concentrated solely on this. The fast bowlers then went over to the Grandstand side and demonstrated their actions. Jon Lewis participated in this in the ridiculous pretence that he might still get a game. Perhaps he was planning to nobble someone if they had another game of handball.
Interestingly Murali chose not to demonstrate his action in this warm up. I suppose that it would have been just too embarrassing to have two hundred wannabee umpires in the stands call you for throwing before the match had started. And suddenly the players collected up all their toys and put them in massive holdalls and disappeared off to the pavilion leaving just the media hordes all over the playing area. Everyone fills in their time saying or thinking what a prat Botham is for saying that it is going to swing, seam, turn, break up before lunch, after lunch, today, by the third day, never, etc. And then Freddie reappeared resplendent in his whites but without a blazer but who has he got with him? It turns out that cricket has borrowed another bad habit from football and he now needs a mascot with him to toss up. David Gower pipes up that the little boy is recovering from an illness and that the coin to be used for the toss is an eighteenth century shilling. Why? And do we really need this information? Well it worked for Freddie since Jayawardene called incorrectly and then Freddie had to explain to the media why he had chosen to bat. I suppose that it would have been more embarrassing if he had had to explain why he had chosen to field. This enabled the media circus to troop off which for reasons that neither I nor my colleagues, who had by now joined me, just left Mike Gatting standing marooned half way to the Nursery end for the longest time. Young Dave Myers thought that he looked slim which actually gave me hope.
Young Dave Myers David Boyd, Joe Ford and Peter Guishard enjoying the May sun at Lords
The good news was that there was no sign of the Barmy Army, just hundreds of schoolchildren at the back of the Mound Stand and under the Edrich Stand who had presumably got concessions or maybe even free tickets. Their occasional excited outbursts were irritating but as nothing compared with the endlessly repetitive moronic singing of the Barmy Army. Just to the left of us in the Mound Stand a group of young men arrived and started to dress themselves up in dinner jackets and black ties. They must have thought this a jolly wheeze. But it didn’t last long because as soon as the sun got round to us they sweltered and in no time had had to remove their funny garb and sit in shirtsleeves like the rest of us.
An interesting weekend – three days at the Test Match and one at Welwyn Garden City.
The Professor took over from me and sends us this update
Given that you are in thrall to the Australian potentate you doubtless saw a great deal of the Test on the TV. I was there on Friday and came away with the same view as everyone else – namely that this was a one-sided affair. I had the same opinion on Sunday…except it was a different side. In fact amidst all the chatter about dropped catches, I didn’t read much about how many times the ball went past the bat. All four quicks beat the bat time and time again – Plunkett especially on Sunday and Flintoff on Monday. One over from Flintoff at the Pavilion end to Vaas had him playing at every ball and only laying the bat on the last delivery. Of course, when they did find the edge, they dropped it. I think that England ought to be relatively up beat about their performance (except of course the catching) but if they bowl that well every game they should manage to get sides out. The only down-side, or so it seems to me, is that the four quicks all feel rather much the same – all right arm, all about the same speed, all moved the ball about (swing and seam) with Panesar the only variation.
As you know, I am an aficionado of the “warm-up”, and on Sunday England did one that was new to me. I got to the ground a little (unnecessarily) early to see the England team playing a game on the outfield. The “pitch” was staked out like a 5-a-side football pitch – little plastic posts for goals, goalkeepers in them, touch lines, etc. and the team was playing with a smallish plastic football. However they weren’t kicking it. What you had to do was catch the ball and hand-bat it on, in the form of a pass. If you ran with the ball you had to bounce it up and down on your hand rather like Hurley players do on their sticks. I think Australian “Rules” footballers (a well-known oxymoron) do something similar by bouncing the ball and then patting it to a team member. However, this seemingly pointless activity went on for about half-an-hour. Cook looked to be the star player while Monty, of course, was rubbish. I assume it was playing this game that Strauss injured himself on Friday and so was unable to field. It perhaps doesn’t need to be said that a half hour catching practice might have been a better use of the time.
On to happier matters at WGCCC. We won our first league game on Saturday against a well-fancied Knebworth Park side. From a pretty grim 50-5 we recovered to 170, which even on a start-of-the-season pitch didn’t seem enough. However our two new boys both had good games - Aaron Laraman getting a couple of early wickets and Murti Hussain a spectacular 6-48 in his first match. Murti, you will recall, came with a reputation of bowling very few bad balls. I counted eight in his 20 overs while some harsher critics got it into double figures. In any event, it looks as though the runs our opponents score this season will have to come from the other end…it all looks very good…so far.
Hedgcock Matters Murray Hedgcock sent me these notes
I was somewhat startled to read an item in your latest lively edition from Charlie Puckett, remembering vividly the chap of that name who for years led the West Australian attack before that State was admitted to the Sheffield Shield. He then contributed materially to WA's triumph in winning the Shield in its first year in the competition (1947-8). Puckett was incidentally known as “Iron Man" for his stamina as a fast-medium bowler - and was born in Surrey, at Beddington. He died four years ago, aged 90. Were there truly TWO cricketing Charlie Pucketts?
I also offer for your consideration an update on my own cricket activities - coaching of my granddaughter in the back garden, which you recorded a year or two back. She graduated this year, aged ten, to Easter coaching at Lord's, confident that there would be a number of girls, as women's cricket continues to advance, and they are rightly now admitted to the classes. Surprise, surprise: she was the sole girl with 46 boys in her squad. Aren't your readers signing up their granddaughters? Or should it be daughters? For the radicals among your lot who get The Guardian - she was the girl pictured in that paper's photo special on Lord's preparing for the new season.
Stark Matters
Super Surfer Steve Thompson got straight onto the net when he read the match Report that featured South Hampstead’s Australian centurion, Richard Stark. He sent me this:
“I think this is Richard Stark as he is today - I remember he was a neurosurgeon and this came up. It does look as though it might be him - it was 30 years ago!”
South Hampstead Matters
I am indebted to Ian McIntosh who sent me early season newspaper cuttings from the Kilburn Times which reported that the club will hope to improve on last season’s position of seventh in the Middlesex Second Division under new captain James Williams. At this stage last year’s captain, Paul Atheley, and leading batsman Asad Shah had left for Hampstead but the grapevine tells me that they have returned and will bolster the club’s resources.
The first league match was against Harrow and after being put in Harrow made a challenging 256 for 5. But wicket keeper and vice captain, Zia Sialvi, added over 150 with Williams who was eventually out for 78. Sialvi went on to make 100 but the rain prevented an exciting finish leaving South Hampstead on 207 for 4. The next two matches against Shepherds Bush and Southgate were both washed out without a ball being bowled.
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor sent me this report of another sunny day in Yorkshire
Thursday was a beautiful Spring day in Yorkshire so I resolved to give my wife a treat…I took her to Headingley. And treat it turned out to be, or so I thought. Just under 300 runs scored and 11 wickets taken and lots of interest in the game. Headingley was a picture (unlike the dismal pile that we saw is now Old Trafford); shirtsleeves and sun cream…perfect. The only blip was the catering arrangements that continue to be on the grim side of modest, although I did manage to renew your acquaintance with the tea lady that you took a shine to on our last visit here.
The match was nicely poised when we arrived… and when we left… with Sussex having a slight first innings lead after a shaky first session. The batting star was Prior who, notwithstanding his winter tour, looked easily the best Sussex batsman on show. At the other end Hopkinson somehow got to 60-odd, playing and missing more times than you could count. I suppose at least he had the tenacity to stick around…or just couldn’t get out. It was the first I’d seen of Martin-Jenkins, who batted at No. 7, and while the shot selection didn’t seem that great, he is a very clean striker of a cricket ball and looks, of course, just like his Dad.
Yorkshire’s opening attack of Hoggard and Gillespie might well be the best they have all year but Prior didn’t seem to have any great difficulty strumming them around. Given the constant debate about Jones it is always interesting to look at ‘keepers. Yorkshire, in this game, fielded Guy who is a “typical” wicketkeeper – short, busy, full of chat, etc., but he has struggled to keep a place in the first team. Prior is, of course, much taller and more athletic and, on this form, certainly as good a bat as Jones. I still think Scott is the best ‘keeper I’ve seen in the past couple of years but since you have to be a (very good) batter, he seems destined to remain at county level.
There was a nice little cricketing vignette towards the end of the game. Prior had been running out of partners when he was joined by the Sussex long-time no.11 Lewry. Now this is a man who I don’t think ought to be allowed to bat in a proper cricket match. To see a grown man, let alone a professional cricketer, back away to anything but the slowest bowling is little short of shameful. I doubt if there is a single “Googlies” reader who would not be ashamed at stepping away to Tim Bresnan…but Lewry did. Indeed he stepped so far back that had he not possessed a good eye he might well have been bowled by a wide.
Yorkshire employed the usual “give them a single” approach to Prior and he turned most of them down until the 4th or 5th ball. The problem came when he faced a new over from Hoggard on 99. Anyone who has played the game could see the dilemma – take the one and be thought of as selfish…play out most of the over and risk getting out. What to do? In the event he played the first two back and then (as I later learned on orders from the pavilion) took a single off the third ball. Lewry survived (God knows how) so all was well. A couple of quick wickets at the end of the day (including the double centurion Gillespie) saw Sussex on top, a position they occupied at the end of the match on Saturday.
A couple of days later we went to the other Mecca of cricket which is Welwyn Garden City to see a warm up (sic) match against West Herts. We didn’t get far before the weather closed in but it gave me an opportunity to chat to our two new star signings: Aaron Laraman, who we saw play for Somerset last year and Murti Hussain who has played over 120 first class games in Pakistan. Murti bowls off-breaks and tells me that he “usually” gets “Red Mist” Afridi out in representative games. “For how many?” is the obvious question and “a couple of sixes” is the modest answer. Rain prevented me seeing Murti bowl but Martin James, who knows what he is looking at, tells me that he is very good indeed. Specifically: “If you’re going to wait for the bad ball, you’re going to wait a very long time” (except he didn’t say “very”). So to add these two to a pretty good side we confidently expect to win the League…now where have I heard that before??
Ashes Matters The Great Jack Morgan was quick to disagree with my prediction as to who Fletch would have in his side for Brisbane: “I do not think that many will agree that your team for Brisbane is either likely or desirable. Teams always evolve either because of injury or because new players emerge to replace the elderly and trying to get some of those old crocks on to the pitch may not be possible. You have often warned of the dangers of relying on players of doubtful fitness, so I am surprised that you would even mention such a plan. I think there are serious question marks against Butcher (yesterday’s man?), Vaughan (fitness), G Jones (ability), Giles (fitness), S Jones (fitness) and maybe even Banger (mental case?). I am not sure about all the replacements, but Cooky and Colly are fixtures in Dunc’s plans.”
He later added:
“Did you hear the announcement of twenty-five names for the “development squad”? Shah and Joyce are in, but not Key or Butcher; Read is in, but not Prior; Loudon is in, but not Udal; Broad and Lewis are in, but not Tremlett. I was shocked that Fletch has included only two wicket keepers: for someone who likes two keepers in the eleven, I would have expected about five keepers in a squad of 25! But I am not quite sure of the purpose of this squad. Take Joyce, for example: he does not appear to be very close to the team, but in theory, Dunc could now withdraw him from Middx matches if he wanted to, but why would he withdraw someone who seems to be about ninth or tenth in line for a batting spot? So why include him in a “development squad”? I do not see the point of it. It would seem to serve only to piss off the likes of Key (who must wonder why he bothered to lose all that weight) and Prior, who will now see themselves as cast adrift. Why does he think that this is a good idea? I would prefer to let everyone continue to think that they were in with a good chance.”
Cardinal Puff Matters Robin Ager sent me these historic notes
Thought you might like to see the following conclusion to the report of a match between Turnham Green and Stains (sic) in 1856, quoted in this year's TG handbook: “On time being called, Stains had one wicket to fall and 30 runs to get; but unfortunately for their honour as cricketers, they had recourse to every species of petty manoeuvring to waste time and make it a drawn game". What an elegant way to express the thought "you cheating bastards".
In the same year, another game against the Gentlemen of Chiswick was followed "in the evening by a good dinner, with subsequent conviviality and appropriate toasts". It is not clear if this was an early form of Cardinal Puff, nor is there mention of Jim Franklin or Harry Baylis orchestrating the proceedings.
Peach Matters
I noted in an earlier edition that Bob Peach is more or less running Middlesex cricket single-handedly this season. In the light of the early season lack of success I decided to try and influence matters and so sent him an email: “Why don't Middlesex sign Murali Kartik? He is one of the world's best spinners and inexplicably didn't play for India in the winter.”
When Bob returned from another long scouting trip with John Emburey looking for more middle aged seamers he sent me this reply: “No need. Ian McIntosh is back from holiday.”
It is, of course, good to hear that Middlesex has a plan to fill its gaping spin void and no doubt Mac will be relieved to know that if he bowls from the pavilion end at Lords he will benefit from slope assistance and will be in no danger of developing a sore spinning finger. But in the unlikely event that he gets a wicket there will be a new candidate to join the class action suit against him.
Trainspotting Matters George has been very quiet on cricketing matters for some time and then suddenly out of the blue he burst into a tripartite email correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan and myself posing the following penetrating question:
“I think I noticed that when Hampshire routed Middlesex, Shane Warne came on as 5th change bowler in the 2nd innings. My question is: has a 5th change bowler ever taken seven wickets in a first class innings before?”
This is not the sort of thing that I would begin to have any idea about but I had noticed that when Middlesex had been dismissed for under a hundred in their first innings Hamburger had not bowled at all and so I saved faced by responding along those lines.
The Great Jack Morgan always likes a challenge and so his response was a little disappointing:
“This sounds like one for Walmsley to me! Sorry to take so long to come up with this pathetic response, my excuse is that I'm just got back from a fortnight in Greece.”
And that seemed to be the end of the matter until a few days later George received this from the Great man:
“Tony Cordle took 9 for 49 as fifth change bowler for Glamorgan against Leics at Colwyn Bay in 1969.”
That should keep George quiet again for a while.
Premature Sherbets Charlie Pucket sent me this bid for the fastest drinks interval I can beat your drinks interval two minutes after tea! In the Evening Standard Challenge Trophy Final in 2002, Teddington lost a wicket to the first ball of their innings (and therefore the first ball after lunch) immediately, the 12th man rushed on bearing large brandies (or something) for our intrepid explorers!
Don't forget to keep checking www.cricketofficials.co.uk to see what Stuart-King and his band of brothers have been up to. We hope to have some more, very exciting, news for you shortly!
I think I’ve got one in here The Professor is always fascinated by what the Great Jack Morgan carries with him to cricket matches in his enormous holdall. When I spoke with Jim Revier recently he suggested that after reading Robin Ager’s article in the last edition about the prohibitions on taking stuff into the ground in India Jack would be unable to carry any of his booty with him at such venues. Our conversation became silly speculating that he would have to carry items in rather than on his person.
However, I was able to witness the Great man in action at Lords myself in April when after a meeting in town I popped along to see the second day of the match against Kent. Jack was not hard to find, as up in the Compton stand he was located behind the sightscreen in splendid isolation with no one within thirty seats of him in any direction. I was wearing a business suit and as the sun came out at lunchtime I took off my jacket and tie whilst Jack removed his trousers and socks.
During this phase of play Middlesex did surprisingly well and I thought that maybe Jack adjusts his dress in accordance with signals from John Emburey to gain favour with the cricketing gods. However, as the afternoon wore on the clouds reappeared and it became decidedly chilly. Jack put his anorak on but for reasons that I was unable to fathom remained barefooted. I was getting increasingly chilled and made what I thought was an amusing request for some additional clothing. Jack looked puzzled and then rummaged around in his bag and pulled out a spare long sleeved sweater for me. I was grateful at the time and eagerly pulled on the garment. It was only later that I speculated how many other requests he might have been able to fulfil from the depths of his mammoth bag. Did he have a primus in there in case anyone fancied a hot meal? How many editions of Wisden were concealed in case they had to be referred to? If we got bored could he have produced a lap dancer to entertain us?
Red Mist Matters
After Surrey had made 501 for 7 in their first innings, there was some rain interference in this match and Worcestershire, having successfully avoided the follow-on, declared on 353-9, still 148 runs behind. Surrey then hit 136-3 in just 50 balls either side of lunch, setting their opponents 285 to win from 62 overs. Rikki Clarke blasted five sixes in a quick 57 not out with Stephen Moore's three overs costing 61.
Phil Jaques, on his Worcestershire debut, and Moore got their side into a strong position as they reached 95-0 off 8.4 overs but another rain delay of two hours made their job much harder. However, the runs kept on coming at a good rate, even after Jaques who scored 107 off just 69 balls and Moore (57) had been dismissed. Ben Smith kept produced an unbeaten 46 from 34 balls. Zaheer Khan came out to bat at number 10 with just two balls remaining and four wanted. But he hit his first ball off Nayan Doshi for six to give Worcestershire victory. They reached 287 for 8 in just 32 overs.
Brondesbury Recruitment Matters
At the beginning of the season Brondesbury placed an advert in the local paper seeking “players of all standards”. Aspiring candidates were asked to submit their details to none other than the league chairman himself, Bob Baxter. He must have had mixed feelings when he received this response from former South Hampstead colleague, Ken James:
“Hi, Mr Baxter. Regarding your advertisement recently placed in the Ham and High, I submit the following details which I am sure will be of interest to your club. Although I have not played for a couple of seasons I am keen to resurrect my playing career and feel that I would quickly reach my former high standard of achieving, regularly, one hundred wickets a season at a very good strike rate.
I note that your club fields five league sides and I would aspire to at least the second eleven. However, this could present something of a problem since I believe you employ an umpire at this level with whom I have been previously acquainted and who has caused me innumerable problems both on and off the field at the club for which I last played and I would not wish to get involved with any similar eccentricities again. However, if he could be moved to a lower level then any doubts I have about playing for your club would be removed. Indeed I might even be able to encourage my former spin-twin partner, Peg-leg Patel, to join me and so renew our former lethal playing partnership, to your club’s undoubted advantage.
Incidentally, unlike most players of a similar standard, I am not seeking any financial return for my efforts, although I cannot speak for Peg-leg in this regard. I look forward to hearing from you but in the interest of short term anonymity please confine your answer to my email address.
P.S. If everything works out I may be able to bring a number of my former playing colleagues with me. Most of them will not seek financial reward but would expect their ethnic needs to be respected, in both the provision of non-alcoholic drinks and availability of halal food at the tea interval.”
Irritating trends in modern cricket – Number 37
At the end of the first day of the Lords test we had the farcical situation of Hoggard appearing as night watchman for Collingwood. This was bad enough but through the remaining overs the batsmen started refusing singles to keep him on strike and none other than KP away from it. Whatever the confidence level is supposed to be in the England camp they displayed a feeble, lily livered side here. It would have served Collingwood and co right if Hoggard had done a Dizzy on Friday.
Rangers Matters
The Great Jack Morgan reports “Jim Revier tells me that G Waddock has announced a huge clear out. These chaps are out of contract and won’t be getting a new one: Santos, Langley, Youssouf, Kus, Johnson and Townsend; while this bunch is still under contract, but is now on the transfer list: Moore, Doherty, Evatt, Ukah, Bignot, Lomas, Hislop and Bircham. The trouble is, I don’t think we’ve got any confidence in Gary’s judgment, have we? To replace those chaps, he is signing Damion Stewart, Armel Tchakoonte and Nick Ward. I expect these are all household names to keen followers of the game!”
Strange Elevens
I am unable to give you the Jazz Hat worn by those players listed in the last edition because the Great Jack Morgan has not yet divulged it to me. He has developed a new sadistic streak in taunting me about my pathetic attempts to figure them out. Here is his latest gibe:
“All cricketers? Yes, good. All international cricketers? Very good, so it is something that they have all done in international cricket. Perhaps they have all scored a Test century? Hmm, doubt it. Or maybe they have all taken five wickets in an innings? Don’t think so, do you? Or have they all deputised as wicket keeper? Unlikely isn’t it? Keep going and you will get there.”
Just when I thought that you may have to wait a long time to get the answer I received the following: “It is 31st May and you will surely be requiring the answer to the Strange XI you published last month: they all captained their countries (mainly in ODIs).”
Football Matters
Kelvin West’s local park side is looking for a new manager. He sent me this photo to see if any reader would be interested in helping out. But you had better be quick as Sven will soon be out of a job.
Match Report
We conclude this edition with the Professor’s third match report:
1. WGCCC v Hemel Hempstead - Pissed down
- WGCCC v Hoddesden – Pissed down
What ever happened to summer??
Earlier Editions
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