G&C 205
GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 205
January 2020
Old Wanker’s Almanac
When he bumped into me recently the venerable sage was only too happy to mouth off and give me his predictions for the coming year.
January
VAR is extended to include all fouls.
The completion date for Crossrail is now 2035 and the overrun is $35 billion. Someone points out that London will be under water by then and so the whole project is abandoned.
Prince Andrew is recruited to chair a new Quiz programme “Spot the Liar”. His first star guest is Prime Minister Johnson.
Liverpool extend their lead to 15 points
February
VAR is extended to include all offsides.
Prime Minister Johnson has a major cabinet re-shuffle and the balance of 50% Old Etonians is restored. Prime Minister Johnson says “It is only right and proper. What did you expect me to do when you elected me?”
High Speed Rail is abandoned when it is realised that it was only going to benefit northerners.
At a prestigious Awards Ceremony the Goon of the Decade Award goes to David Cameron.
Unai Emery is appointed manager of the Old Danes 3rd XI.
Liverpool extend their lead to 18 points
March
The Northern Powerhouse is disbanded as it is widely agreed that it has no power and there are no houses.
The County Championship starts and Tim Murtagh takes ten wickets in each of the first two matches. The speed gun clocks him at speeds that would embarrass Daryl Stevens let alone Bomber Wells. Nevertheless, Middlesex are still without a win.
When asked how his tree planting was going Prime Minister Johnson babbles “When we said we would plant millions of trees we had no idea how much it would cost or that there was nowhere to put them. We will have to settle for two hundred.”
Liverpool extend their lead to 21 points but there are alarming outbreaks of racist abuse at Anfield.
April
VAR is extended to include all refereeing decisions. Matches now take approximately three hours and some last even longer than American Football games. Some wag points out that they last longer than England’s first innings in test matches.
Middlesex slump to the foot of the Second Division. Stuart Law and Peter Handscombe call a press conference. They reassure everyone by announcing that “Things can only get better”.
The wickets at Lord’s continue to be poor and following condemnation from the pitch inspectors the Lord’s test match is relocated to Southend.
The trading deal with the EU continues to be negotiated and the Northern Irish find it a bit less lonely under the bus as they are joined by the farmers and the fishermen.
Following an investigation into the racist abuse at Liverpool they are docked 24 points and the runners up, Sheffield United, are declared Champions.
May
Arsenal, Norwich and Aston Villa are relegated.
Chris Silverwood says that England needs proper practice before test matches and arranges a series of games of French cricket in Regents Park.
The free trade deal with the USA proceeds surprisingly quickly as Prime Minister Johnson agrees to take chlorine washed chicken and make US Pharmaceutical companies monopoly suppliers to the NHS. Johnson is asked “Won’t this make prescriptions more expensive?” He replies, “Don’t know, don’t care - it won’t affect me I’m in BUPA”.
June
The BBC becomes a subscription only service.
Joe Root is relieved of the England captaincy.
Prime Minister Johnson is asked about his pledge for a One Nation state. He replies, “I didn’t say that.”
Out & About with the Professor
I have not been to Newlands before, so this was my first look at a ground that many people seem to like...and it’s easy to see why. The setting is famously spectacular, with the mountain framing half the ground, and even the brewery (which I suppose now has obtained “iconic” status) has a sort of industrial stature. My guess is that many Googlies readers will know the place well and some would have been fortunate enough to have been here to see Stokes’ innings on the last tour.
We are here with Gladstone Small’s newly established touring company, “Black Opal” (not his choice of name, we are told) which, to date, seems to be very efficiently run and patronised by various folk all of whom seem to have met Gladstone on previous trips.
The build-up to the game was dominated by news of Archer’s arm and Burns’ foot. I don’t know what the UK papers have written about the latter but even the Cape Times thought it was absurd...and so it is. How many previous footballing injuries have there been, and how many more, before they give up the ridiculous business. I recall, after Owais Shah crippled someone, that the then England coach justified the business as important for “team bonding”. I don’t know how much bonding one can do with a broken foot, but as self-inflicted wounds go it seems an odd addition to the other fitness woes.
I’ve talked to a number of folk who went to Centurion and they all emphasised how ill some of the team looked. It’s a difficult thing to spot on TV and in any event the management were keen to avoid any implication of an excuse, but one chap who was sitting on the boundary said he expected Broad to pass out on more than one occasion. Also the extent of illness among the team looks to have been underplayed (one of the pluses of being with Gladstone Small is that he knows everybody). They were very close to not being able to put a side out and several should not have been playing. It might not be an excuse, but it certainly is a reason. It makes the decision to bowl, of course, all the more bizarre. Root’s captaincy is increasingly questioned, especially as it more than rumoured that he is “bullied” by Anderson and Broad. His batting here on the first day was far from flawless and the way he got out pretty odd for a player of his talents.
Various glitterati have popped into our “suite” (quite) during the day, including Barry Richards, David Gower, Darren Gough and Colin Graves (perhaps glitterati is pushing it a bit in the last case). I never know what to say to these people: “Hello Barry, I loved watching you bat”, “Hello Colin, The Hundred is a crap idea”. You see the problem. Actually, I’m told (Gladstone again), that The Hundred is principally the BBC’s idea: they wanted a form of cricket that they could show and would fit into the schedule- they weren’t interested in T20 but wanted a brand new competition. Seems odd...but my sources are impeccable.
These tours are full of things to do in the day and things to drink in the evening. Last night was sufficiently boozy for several of us to remind Gladstone of his most famous over. I have not checked any of this for accuracy, so it is solely his recollection...but then it was his over. 1982 at Coventry, Gladstone was having run-up problems. He bowled a couple of no balls, then a couple more, then a couple more after that. 11 in total. He then did the only thing possible, stood quite still at the bowling crease and bowled the ball. It swung, and Gladstone can still recall the smile on umpire Bill Alley’s face as he signalled a wide. An 18 ball over. Dennis Amiss’ comment from first slip is pretty well-known: “I asked Gladstone for three quick overs...I didn’t expect them to come all at once”. Not reported was an even more damming comment from a Warwickshire supporter. “Stan” (or somesuch) was the supporter who scores every game, knows all the statistics - in pre-internet days- and is friends with all the players, whether they like it or not. As Gladstone dragged himself off the pitch, Stan ran up to say: “Hard luck Glad, two more no balls and you would have had the world record”.
As for the match, not much to say except another abject batting performance has had to be endured by the travelling spectators. I don’t know what they made of it “in the studio”, but from where we were sitting it was poor indeed. Until the second new ball there looked to be very little in the pitch and the first seven either played at balls they should have left alone or contrived to get out ducking into short balls or shouldering arms to straight ones. The ball that got Bess seemed to me to be the best of the day.
Apparently, Barry Richards thought we needed 400 to have a chance. Umm...
This & That
The Sydney Sixers put the Brisbane Heat in after winning the toss in their T20 match. They took a quick wicket but this brought Chris Lynn in to bat. He was caught on the boundary in the tenth over with the score at 113 of which he had scored 94 from just 35 deliveries. Had this strike cleared the boundary he would have scored the fastest hundred in the bash beating Craig Simmons' record of 39 balls for Perth Scorchers in 2014. Lynn’s innings included 11 sixes.
Pakistan played their first test of the decade at home against Sri Lanka recently and their top order celebrated with centuries from each of their top four. Captain Azhar Ali (118) and Babar Azam (100 not out) reached theirs on day four after openers Shan Masood (135) and Abid Ali (174) did so on day three. The only previous instance of the top four batsmen all scoring a century in a Test innings came when India's Dinesh Karthik, Wasim Jaffer, Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar all scored hundreds against Bangladesh in Mirpur in 2007.
The hype over the new Leicester will now need to be muted a little after crushing defeats to Manchester City and Liverpool. I watched the first match and Leicester just couldn’t get into the game. City are nowhere near their best since they have the much-publicised frailness and slowness at the back and probably even more important the midfield combination of David da Silva and de Bruyne is now a thing of the past. In this match Mahrez started against his old club and could have scored a hat trick if his shooting had been better. I didn’t see the Boxing Day game against Liverpool but it sounds as if Leicester were even more soundly beaten in this one.
The West Indies had a satisfactory tour of India and although they lost both T20 and ODI series they were only beaten by deciders in both. I have been critical of Hetmyer and his slog everything approach to batting but he played an innings of substance and when things are going his way he is not the sort of batsman anyone would want to bowl at. It is interesting that Kieron Pollard is now captain of the West Indian T20 side.
Morgan Matters
We get a peek at the Great Man’s final diary entries of 2019
Adelaide: Oz 589-3 dec (Warner 335*, Labuschagne 162, their stand was 361), Pak 96-6 (M Starc has 4 wkts), I like a nice evenly balanced match, don't you? Warner broke several records including D Bradman's highest Test score at Adelaide (299 v SA in 1932) and the 361 partnership with Labuschagne was the highest second wicket partnership in Tests in Oz. Only M Hayden's 380 v Zims in Perth in 2003 beats Warner's 335 for Oz.
Ali M says that K Jennings is in line for a recall for the SL tour in March, his average is a "healthy 44 on the subcontinent thanks to a proficiency against spin, the opener making 112 on debut against India in 2016 and an unbeaten 146 in Galle during England's 3-0 series win last year". AM also says that B Foakes is in contention as well because of his "impeccable glovework" in Asia.
Ali Martin has some harsh criticism of England in today's G: he gives marks out of ten for the 13 players who appeared in the series and only Burns, Root and Woakes get a respectable 7, while all the others get between 2 and 5.5.
Jeetan Patel is Eng's "spin bowling consultant" on the winter tours to SA and SL.
Mickey Arthur is the new coach to SL.
I have just received the Middlesex Cricket Annual Review 2019 and it is a really impressive document (214 glossy pages with many colour photos) covering not just first team cricket, but 2nd XI, youth cricket, women's cricket, boys cricket and girls cricket (both right down to the under 11s) and Middlesex League: I think the Bush were 4th in division 1 and I think SHCC were 3rd in division 3 and will replace Harrow Town in division 2 "pending a vote at the AGM" (?). The Bush also "celebrated winning the First Division of 2nd XI". There were also obituaries (with photos) of Alan Moss and Wes Stewart.
In today's Times (for the 2nd consecutive Saturday, I could not get the G) P Kidd writes that "Broad's overseas run reads 0, 1, 0*, 0, 0*, 1, and 0. In NZ, Broad moved past Muralitharan and Warne to reach 35 Test ducks. Only Chris Martin, who failed to score 36 times and Courtney Walsh, on 43, lie ahead."
The squad for SA has now been announced. I think that 17 is too many for a short tour (2 warm-ups and 4 Tests) and I can imagine that they would want to play their probable Test team in the warm ups, meaning that 6 players are regarded as reserves and might not get a game at all!
The MCG has been adjudged unsafe because unpredictable bounce was causing body blows to batsmen especially WA's S Marsh and M Stoinis. Oz are due to play NZ there in the Boxing Day Test.
Sam Robson has signed a new 3 year contract and Tim Murtagh has signed on for 2 more years.
Eoin has a testimonial next year (2020).
Great weather for cricket in Rawalpindi: 5 overs were bowled on day 3, SL 282-6. Ten years away from Test cricket in Pakistan and they choose to return in the monsoon season!
Pak v SL: what a great Test at Rawalpindi! No play on day 4: wet outfield!
Rawalpindi: no play at all on day 4!
Sensational news from Rawalpindi: play on day 5! unsurprisingly, the match was drawn. Abid Ali becomes the first man ever to hit centuries on his ODI and Test debuts.
I was (only slightly) surprised to see that Jeff Coleman got a mention in the "seasonal message" received today (18/12) from Richard Goatley, CEO, Middlesex Cricket. Jeff is part of a "members' group" which is being "integrated into the management of the club". Wow! Otherwise, the seasonal message was a load of unconvincing overoptimistic twaddle.
In the C, S Hughes has an interesting interview with Stephen Fry, who is surprisingly knowledgeable about the game. SF’s Eng XI would be “T Graveney, K Barrington, T Dexter, C Cowdrey, J Snow, F Titmus, F Trueman, G Boycott, G Arnold, D Underwood and A Knott though not in that order!” R Hooker appears (uncredited) in the background of a photo (undated) of J Snow bowling in the nets at Lord’s. J Coyne selects this useful looking team of “Kolpaks in Eng 2020”: H Kuhn, S van Zyl, R Rossouw, H Amla, C Ingram, D Vilas, W Parnell, S Harmer, K Abbott, M Morkel, D Olivier. There is an interesting interview with JSE Price (now 82), but unfortunately, there is no mention of my heroics when facing him in the Bush cricket week (which pretty much ruined our week as he played 3 times against us as he returned to fitness) in the mid-sixties!
Eoin's contract with Kolkata Knight Riders will earn him £563,000, but S Curran's contract with Chennai Super Kings is worth £590,000, the most expensive Eng player, but they are cheap compared to P Cummins's £1.6m deal with KKR.
Tom Lace has signed on for another 3 years with Middx.
Benoni 3-dayer: There is an action shot of Denly on his way to his ton in today's G, but the remarkable thing is that the background reveals quite a lot of the stadium in Benoni in which there is only one spectator located and he has his back to the action!
P Trego has joined Notts for 2 years, BJ Watling has joined Lancs for 9 Championship matches.
Karachi: a strange "day" here where 3 wkts fell, but no runs were scored! Fernando went for his overnight 102 and none of the others got off the mark.
V Philander will retire from international cricket after the Test series v Eng.
The G also published the leading Eng Test batting averages for 2019 and apart from Stokes on 45 and Leach on 27, the others are fairly disappointing: Root 37, Pope 36.6, Burns 36, Denly 31, Buttler 25, Curran 20, Roy 18.7, Bairstow 18.6.
P Siddle has retired from international cricket after 11 years. He took 221 Test wickets at 30.66 and played his last Test in the final Ashes Test in Eng this year.
Artists & Authors
George sent me this
We went to the beautiful Cotswold village of Broadway today. It has a remarkable history, going back through to Roman times then the great wool industry period. The ‘Broadway’ was a major staging post on the journey for sheep from Worcester to London. There were 30 coaching inns there. After the decline of the wool industry the town declined further when it lost out to the railways. This meant that property prices fell and it was when the artists and authors moved in.
Why am I telling you this? In a new museum there linked to the Ashmolean at Oxford there is a piece on cricket matches about the turn of the century (the previous one that is) between authors and artists. I thought you’d like to see the team photograph and some of the notable key players.
When I go home I also found a short Wiki entry on it:
J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan— born in 1860—decided to form an amateur cricket team, and recruited many of his famous friends to join him.A few of the writers that participated included:
A.A. Milne, author of the Winnie the Pooh series
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the Sherlock Holmes series
P.G. Wodehouse, author of the Jeeves and Wooster series
H.G. Wells, author of The Time Machine and other science fiction works
Rudyard Kipling, author of The Jungle Book
E.W. Hornung, author of the A.J. Raffles series
G.K. Chesterton, author of the Father Brown detective novels
Intending to poke fun at their own abilities, the group called themselves the “Allahakbarries.” They were under the impression that “Allah akbar” meant “Heaven help us” in Arabic. (It actually means “God is great.”)
The athletic performance of such an eclectic group of creatives was a bit of a mixed bag. While some members of the team, including Arthur Conan Doyle, were quite proficient at cricket, others were not so athletically inclined. One showed up in pyjamas, and Barrie discovered that another didn’t know which side of the bat to hit with.
Though he was a good player, Conan Doyle had his share of mishaps, too—like the time he accidentally set himself on fire while playing a non-Allahakbarries match. He was up to bat, and the pitch hit him in the thigh, striking a box of matches he had in his pocket. In his own words:
“A little occasional pain is one of the chances of cricket, and one takes it as cheerfully as one can, but on this occasion it suddenly became sharp to an unbearable degree. I clapped my hand to the spot, and found to my amazement that I was on fire. The ball had landed straight on a small tin vesta box in my trousers pocket, had splintered the box, and set the matches ablaze.”
Occasionally, the Allahakbarries were even the more experienced team. When they played a team called the Artists, one of their players was overheard talking about how he wasn’t about to sacrifice his painter’s hands for “a dirty leather ball.”
But from their debut in 1887 until their final match in 1913, the team was never overly concerned about winning. “We played in the old style, caring little about the game and a good deal about a jolly time and pleasant scenery,” Conan Doyle later wrote. “There were many whimsical happenings, which were good fun if they were not good cricket.”
Itinerant Mercenaries
Nick Howson explains
Paul Stirling can't watch as his fate sits in the lap of the gods. Coaches known the world over list their priorities, strategists total the numbers, owners do the sums. The Belfast-born right-hander is just another figure in the algorithm which determines the squads for franchise competitions around the world. Drafts and auctions are promoted as being full of glitz and glamour. But behind the dramatic stop clocks, the jittery technology, and the social media promotion is a grim reality. Many professional cricketers, particularly those sitting underneath the white-ball format's big-ticket items such as Rashid Khan or Andre Russell, are waiting for the call, hoping their name is next drawn from the raffle.
Following outings for three different sides in the Bangladesh Premier League, one in the Afghanistan edition and now gearing up for a third appearance in the T10 League, Stirling to starting to become a staple of the franchise circuit, albeit on the lower rung. Despite this position, it took until the penultimate pick of the optional final round of the draft - which requires owners to sink deeper into their pockets to continue the recruitment drive - for the 29-year-old to book his place in the shortest format. Not that Stirling knew, having blocked out the process completely. "It is not something I regularly do, to be honest," he told The Cricketer. "I just wait for a text to say 'well done you got picked up'. Refresh your Twitter and it comes up. But there is nothing you can do."It is something that is out of your control. If you watch then you'd be on tenterhooks. It is one of those things that if you get it then great if you don't then there is an opportunity to do something else over the same period of time."
At least, that is the hope. Stirling's new status as an overseas player saw him overlooked for The Hundred while the cancellation of the Euro T20 Slam, scheduled for last August before its postponement, has left another gap his calendar. Depending on Ireland's progress in their sixth appearance at a T20 World Cup later next year they will play at least 41 ICC accredited matches, including four Tests. Stirling will be key to their success during their busiest period since being granted full member status, yet ensuring he is playing enough cricket around his international commitments will be vital.
"There is no real rest," he admits. "We've got four tours in the first four months of the year (West Indies, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan and Zimbabwe). The standard of cricket we're going to be playing will probably be at the highest it has ever been at."
While Ireland's elevation in the international arena is a welcome one, it could lead to a division. County contracts are now reliant on individuals being enlisted as overseas players, who are now barred from playing in the developmental One-Day Cup. Having left Middlesex as a result, Stirling is among those players waiting for the call. A return to Lord's isn't even out of the question. International retirements might be the only answer.
"I am hoping for a Blast spot or if someone needs replacing," he added. "It is just looking into squeezing into a team there. The Middlesex door might not be closed. We'll see what happens but I am hoping for some T20 Blast next year and hopefully trying to play as much high-level cricket as possible outside of the international stuff.
"Agent and former Ireland batsman-wicket-keeper Niall O'Brien is putting the feelers out. It is something I'd like to continue to do but there are no guarantees. It is always going to be difficult to get one of the two overseas spots at the counties. Hopefully, it will go the right way. "The change to overseas is really frustrating. You want to play at the highest standard you can. When you're an overseas player you're up against the best around and that makes it more difficult. There might still be some opportunities over there and I'll take them if they come.
"We've got 12 months to work on our T20 cricket in particular, as much as we can. One or two of those competitions would be good and I think the Euro T20 Slam is still in negotiations so it would be nice if that went ahead."
Inter-Provincial four-day and white-ball cricket might end up being Stirling's refuge though he is unsure whether the standard can support the national team sufficiently.
"County cricket has been great for all Ireland cricketers, for many years," said Stirling, who scored 6,207 runs across all formats during nine years at Middlesex. "It is going to be a real challenge. It is the toughest test that Cricket Ireland have over how they're going to produce cricketers to be international players from their own base when you can't play day-in, day-out and learn from others.
"I think that is going to be a struggle but if that is what we're up against that is what we have to deal with. Hopefully, we can get as many players abroad when we can to try and make-up that gap."
Stirling has at least enjoyed sufficient preparation for the start of the T10 League having led Ireland to next year's World Cup in Australia with a tournament-best haul of 291 runs. Many of those games were played at the same Sheikh Zayed Cricket Stadium where the T10 competition will be exclusively based.
Ahead of the litmus test of The Hundred next summer, 10-over cricket is a relatively untested idea at the highest level. The European Cricket League showcased it earlier this year and Stirling believes it could become an increased presence in the schedule - even infiltrating the international scene.
"I am surprised that there isn't another major T10 tournament in the world yet," he said. "I can't see it going any other way apart from more tournaments around the world, happening more often.
"It is just the time factor, it is 90 minutes per match. The crowd get their monies worth, they get three games in a day and there is a lot going for it. I think it is only a matter of time until it catches on around the world. "It is so fresh at the minute. But I don't see why not (it can't become international). The calendar is pretty saturated as it is but maybe it will kick-off. It is right in the franchise arena and hopefully, they'll be more."
With a domestic strike-rate of 141.69 and more runs in the first over of elite T20s since the start of 2018, Stirling is perfectly suited to the ideals behind T10, which makes no apology for its focus on attacking from the outset. "You might have a ball to get your eye in maybe," he gleamed. "But that is the biggest difference in the T20; teams are starting to go harder earlier. If not in the first over, definitely the second. But in T10 you go from ball one. They must go."
New Year’s Quiz
Harris Matters
Ian Harris wraps up the 2019 season
The cricket season once again seemed to be over in the batting of an eyelid. Some wags might argue that Middlesex couldn’t even have batted an eyelid in the county championship towards the end of this season. But I’m not that sort of wag. For both the members’ forum on the Monday and the end of season lunch on the Friday, I was able to secure suitably timed real tennis sessions, hopefully gaining lots of useful practice with my doubles partner, Dominic, ahead of our quarter-final appearance next week.
The Monday evening forum was a surprisingly civilised affair, with members expressing their disappointment with the championship season but little of the bile that some thought might emerge. Chatting with several of the regulars at the post forum drinks, the mood was mostly quite optimistic for next season, hoping that the progress made this year with the white ball might filter through to the red ball cricket next season. It was also good to hear about several really promising youngsters coming through the seconds – I didn’t get to see any second team cricket this year.
Janie was fashionably late for the Middlesex event although mostly for the unfashionable reason that she had a power cut at Noddyland while doing the washing, which set her back time-wise. Then her cab didn’t show up. Undaunted, Janie arrived ahead of the meal while Gus was doing the introductions. Our table included Westy, Brigit, Geoff Norris, Charles Robbins, Jane Saxton and David Kendix.
Geoff Norris coaching Stuart Law, while I look on and Daisy looks away
With awards and stuff being done between courses Dawid Malan was Players’ Player Of the Year and Player Of The Year. David Fulton presented the Youth Player Of The Year award to Josh de Caires, via his helicopter dad, Michael.
After the awards, we were entertained by a highly skilled and entertaining magician. Some wags would suggest that he must have used magic to get our cricketers consistently to catch his deck of cards as it was thrown around for one of the tricks, but I’m not that sort of wag. The magician did somehow manage to extract a £20 note from Angus for his last trick – that could only possibly have been done by magic – the rest of that outstanding trick paled into insignificance after that initial piece of sorcery.
It seems to me that this event, only recently revamped as an awards lunch in this style, is going from strength to strength each year. The tone of the event is a superb mix of professionalism and clubiness; very much in keeping with Middlesex’s ethos.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 205
January 2020
Old Wanker’s Almanac
When he bumped into me recently the venerable sage was only too happy to mouth off and give me his predictions for the coming year.
January
VAR is extended to include all fouls.
The completion date for Crossrail is now 2035 and the overrun is $35 billion. Someone points out that London will be under water by then and so the whole project is abandoned.
Prince Andrew is recruited to chair a new Quiz programme “Spot the Liar”. His first star guest is Prime Minister Johnson.
Liverpool extend their lead to 15 points
February
VAR is extended to include all offsides.
Prime Minister Johnson has a major cabinet re-shuffle and the balance of 50% Old Etonians is restored. Prime Minister Johnson says “It is only right and proper. What did you expect me to do when you elected me?”
High Speed Rail is abandoned when it is realised that it was only going to benefit northerners.
At a prestigious Awards Ceremony the Goon of the Decade Award goes to David Cameron.
Unai Emery is appointed manager of the Old Danes 3rd XI.
Liverpool extend their lead to 18 points
March
The Northern Powerhouse is disbanded as it is widely agreed that it has no power and there are no houses.
The County Championship starts and Tim Murtagh takes ten wickets in each of the first two matches. The speed gun clocks him at speeds that would embarrass Daryl Stevens let alone Bomber Wells. Nevertheless, Middlesex are still without a win.
When asked how his tree planting was going Prime Minister Johnson babbles “When we said we would plant millions of trees we had no idea how much it would cost or that there was nowhere to put them. We will have to settle for two hundred.”
Liverpool extend their lead to 21 points but there are alarming outbreaks of racist abuse at Anfield.
April
VAR is extended to include all refereeing decisions. Matches now take approximately three hours and some last even longer than American Football games. Some wag points out that they last longer than England’s first innings in test matches.
Middlesex slump to the foot of the Second Division. Stuart Law and Peter Handscombe call a press conference. They reassure everyone by announcing that “Things can only get better”.
The wickets at Lord’s continue to be poor and following condemnation from the pitch inspectors the Lord’s test match is relocated to Southend.
The trading deal with the EU continues to be negotiated and the Northern Irish find it a bit less lonely under the bus as they are joined by the farmers and the fishermen.
Following an investigation into the racist abuse at Liverpool they are docked 24 points and the runners up, Sheffield United, are declared Champions.
May
Arsenal, Norwich and Aston Villa are relegated.
Chris Silverwood says that England needs proper practice before test matches and arranges a series of games of French cricket in Regents Park.
The free trade deal with the USA proceeds surprisingly quickly as Prime Minister Johnson agrees to take chlorine washed chicken and make US Pharmaceutical companies monopoly suppliers to the NHS. Johnson is asked “Won’t this make prescriptions more expensive?” He replies, “Don’t know, don’t care - it won’t affect me I’m in BUPA”.
June
The BBC becomes a subscription only service.
Joe Root is relieved of the England captaincy.
Prime Minister Johnson is asked about his pledge for a One Nation state. He replies, “I didn’t say that.”
Out & About with the Professor
I have not been to Newlands before, so this was my first look at a ground that many people seem to like...and it’s easy to see why. The setting is famously spectacular, with the mountain framing half the ground, and even the brewery (which I suppose now has obtained “iconic” status) has a sort of industrial stature. My guess is that many Googlies readers will know the place well and some would have been fortunate enough to have been here to see Stokes’ innings on the last tour.
We are here with Gladstone Small’s newly established touring company, “Black Opal” (not his choice of name, we are told) which, to date, seems to be very efficiently run and patronised by various folk all of whom seem to have met Gladstone on previous trips.
The build-up to the game was dominated by news of Archer’s arm and Burns’ foot. I don’t know what the UK papers have written about the latter but even the Cape Times thought it was absurd...and so it is. How many previous footballing injuries have there been, and how many more, before they give up the ridiculous business. I recall, after Owais Shah crippled someone, that the then England coach justified the business as important for “team bonding”. I don’t know how much bonding one can do with a broken foot, but as self-inflicted wounds go it seems an odd addition to the other fitness woes.
I’ve talked to a number of folk who went to Centurion and they all emphasised how ill some of the team looked. It’s a difficult thing to spot on TV and in any event the management were keen to avoid any implication of an excuse, but one chap who was sitting on the boundary said he expected Broad to pass out on more than one occasion. Also the extent of illness among the team looks to have been underplayed (one of the pluses of being with Gladstone Small is that he knows everybody). They were very close to not being able to put a side out and several should not have been playing. It might not be an excuse, but it certainly is a reason. It makes the decision to bowl, of course, all the more bizarre. Root’s captaincy is increasingly questioned, especially as it more than rumoured that he is “bullied” by Anderson and Broad. His batting here on the first day was far from flawless and the way he got out pretty odd for a player of his talents.
Various glitterati have popped into our “suite” (quite) during the day, including Barry Richards, David Gower, Darren Gough and Colin Graves (perhaps glitterati is pushing it a bit in the last case). I never know what to say to these people: “Hello Barry, I loved watching you bat”, “Hello Colin, The Hundred is a crap idea”. You see the problem. Actually, I’m told (Gladstone again), that The Hundred is principally the BBC’s idea: they wanted a form of cricket that they could show and would fit into the schedule- they weren’t interested in T20 but wanted a brand new competition. Seems odd...but my sources are impeccable.
These tours are full of things to do in the day and things to drink in the evening. Last night was sufficiently boozy for several of us to remind Gladstone of his most famous over. I have not checked any of this for accuracy, so it is solely his recollection...but then it was his over. 1982 at Coventry, Gladstone was having run-up problems. He bowled a couple of no balls, then a couple more, then a couple more after that. 11 in total. He then did the only thing possible, stood quite still at the bowling crease and bowled the ball. It swung, and Gladstone can still recall the smile on umpire Bill Alley’s face as he signalled a wide. An 18 ball over. Dennis Amiss’ comment from first slip is pretty well-known: “I asked Gladstone for three quick overs...I didn’t expect them to come all at once”. Not reported was an even more damming comment from a Warwickshire supporter. “Stan” (or somesuch) was the supporter who scores every game, knows all the statistics - in pre-internet days- and is friends with all the players, whether they like it or not. As Gladstone dragged himself off the pitch, Stan ran up to say: “Hard luck Glad, two more no balls and you would have had the world record”.
As for the match, not much to say except another abject batting performance has had to be endured by the travelling spectators. I don’t know what they made of it “in the studio”, but from where we were sitting it was poor indeed. Until the second new ball there looked to be very little in the pitch and the first seven either played at balls they should have left alone or contrived to get out ducking into short balls or shouldering arms to straight ones. The ball that got Bess seemed to me to be the best of the day.
Apparently, Barry Richards thought we needed 400 to have a chance. Umm...
This & That
The Sydney Sixers put the Brisbane Heat in after winning the toss in their T20 match. They took a quick wicket but this brought Chris Lynn in to bat. He was caught on the boundary in the tenth over with the score at 113 of which he had scored 94 from just 35 deliveries. Had this strike cleared the boundary he would have scored the fastest hundred in the bash beating Craig Simmons' record of 39 balls for Perth Scorchers in 2014. Lynn’s innings included 11 sixes.
Pakistan played their first test of the decade at home against Sri Lanka recently and their top order celebrated with centuries from each of their top four. Captain Azhar Ali (118) and Babar Azam (100 not out) reached theirs on day four after openers Shan Masood (135) and Abid Ali (174) did so on day three. The only previous instance of the top four batsmen all scoring a century in a Test innings came when India's Dinesh Karthik, Wasim Jaffer, Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar all scored hundreds against Bangladesh in Mirpur in 2007.
The hype over the new Leicester will now need to be muted a little after crushing defeats to Manchester City and Liverpool. I watched the first match and Leicester just couldn’t get into the game. City are nowhere near their best since they have the much-publicised frailness and slowness at the back and probably even more important the midfield combination of David da Silva and de Bruyne is now a thing of the past. In this match Mahrez started against his old club and could have scored a hat trick if his shooting had been better. I didn’t see the Boxing Day game against Liverpool but it sounds as if Leicester were even more soundly beaten in this one.
The West Indies had a satisfactory tour of India and although they lost both T20 and ODI series they were only beaten by deciders in both. I have been critical of Hetmyer and his slog everything approach to batting but he played an innings of substance and when things are going his way he is not the sort of batsman anyone would want to bowl at. It is interesting that Kieron Pollard is now captain of the West Indian T20 side.
Morgan Matters
We get a peek at the Great Man’s final diary entries of 2019
Adelaide: Oz 589-3 dec (Warner 335*, Labuschagne 162, their stand was 361), Pak 96-6 (M Starc has 4 wkts), I like a nice evenly balanced match, don't you? Warner broke several records including D Bradman's highest Test score at Adelaide (299 v SA in 1932) and the 361 partnership with Labuschagne was the highest second wicket partnership in Tests in Oz. Only M Hayden's 380 v Zims in Perth in 2003 beats Warner's 335 for Oz.
Ali M says that K Jennings is in line for a recall for the SL tour in March, his average is a "healthy 44 on the subcontinent thanks to a proficiency against spin, the opener making 112 on debut against India in 2016 and an unbeaten 146 in Galle during England's 3-0 series win last year". AM also says that B Foakes is in contention as well because of his "impeccable glovework" in Asia.
Ali Martin has some harsh criticism of England in today's G: he gives marks out of ten for the 13 players who appeared in the series and only Burns, Root and Woakes get a respectable 7, while all the others get between 2 and 5.5.
Jeetan Patel is Eng's "spin bowling consultant" on the winter tours to SA and SL.
Mickey Arthur is the new coach to SL.
I have just received the Middlesex Cricket Annual Review 2019 and it is a really impressive document (214 glossy pages with many colour photos) covering not just first team cricket, but 2nd XI, youth cricket, women's cricket, boys cricket and girls cricket (both right down to the under 11s) and Middlesex League: I think the Bush were 4th in division 1 and I think SHCC were 3rd in division 3 and will replace Harrow Town in division 2 "pending a vote at the AGM" (?). The Bush also "celebrated winning the First Division of 2nd XI". There were also obituaries (with photos) of Alan Moss and Wes Stewart.
In today's Times (for the 2nd consecutive Saturday, I could not get the G) P Kidd writes that "Broad's overseas run reads 0, 1, 0*, 0, 0*, 1, and 0. In NZ, Broad moved past Muralitharan and Warne to reach 35 Test ducks. Only Chris Martin, who failed to score 36 times and Courtney Walsh, on 43, lie ahead."
The squad for SA has now been announced. I think that 17 is too many for a short tour (2 warm-ups and 4 Tests) and I can imagine that they would want to play their probable Test team in the warm ups, meaning that 6 players are regarded as reserves and might not get a game at all!
The MCG has been adjudged unsafe because unpredictable bounce was causing body blows to batsmen especially WA's S Marsh and M Stoinis. Oz are due to play NZ there in the Boxing Day Test.
Sam Robson has signed a new 3 year contract and Tim Murtagh has signed on for 2 more years.
Eoin has a testimonial next year (2020).
Great weather for cricket in Rawalpindi: 5 overs were bowled on day 3, SL 282-6. Ten years away from Test cricket in Pakistan and they choose to return in the monsoon season!
Pak v SL: what a great Test at Rawalpindi! No play on day 4: wet outfield!
Rawalpindi: no play at all on day 4!
Sensational news from Rawalpindi: play on day 5! unsurprisingly, the match was drawn. Abid Ali becomes the first man ever to hit centuries on his ODI and Test debuts.
I was (only slightly) surprised to see that Jeff Coleman got a mention in the "seasonal message" received today (18/12) from Richard Goatley, CEO, Middlesex Cricket. Jeff is part of a "members' group" which is being "integrated into the management of the club". Wow! Otherwise, the seasonal message was a load of unconvincing overoptimistic twaddle.
In the C, S Hughes has an interesting interview with Stephen Fry, who is surprisingly knowledgeable about the game. SF’s Eng XI would be “T Graveney, K Barrington, T Dexter, C Cowdrey, J Snow, F Titmus, F Trueman, G Boycott, G Arnold, D Underwood and A Knott though not in that order!” R Hooker appears (uncredited) in the background of a photo (undated) of J Snow bowling in the nets at Lord’s. J Coyne selects this useful looking team of “Kolpaks in Eng 2020”: H Kuhn, S van Zyl, R Rossouw, H Amla, C Ingram, D Vilas, W Parnell, S Harmer, K Abbott, M Morkel, D Olivier. There is an interesting interview with JSE Price (now 82), but unfortunately, there is no mention of my heroics when facing him in the Bush cricket week (which pretty much ruined our week as he played 3 times against us as he returned to fitness) in the mid-sixties!
Eoin's contract with Kolkata Knight Riders will earn him £563,000, but S Curran's contract with Chennai Super Kings is worth £590,000, the most expensive Eng player, but they are cheap compared to P Cummins's £1.6m deal with KKR.
Tom Lace has signed on for another 3 years with Middx.
Benoni 3-dayer: There is an action shot of Denly on his way to his ton in today's G, but the remarkable thing is that the background reveals quite a lot of the stadium in Benoni in which there is only one spectator located and he has his back to the action!
P Trego has joined Notts for 2 years, BJ Watling has joined Lancs for 9 Championship matches.
Karachi: a strange "day" here where 3 wkts fell, but no runs were scored! Fernando went for his overnight 102 and none of the others got off the mark.
V Philander will retire from international cricket after the Test series v Eng.
The G also published the leading Eng Test batting averages for 2019 and apart from Stokes on 45 and Leach on 27, the others are fairly disappointing: Root 37, Pope 36.6, Burns 36, Denly 31, Buttler 25, Curran 20, Roy 18.7, Bairstow 18.6.
P Siddle has retired from international cricket after 11 years. He took 221 Test wickets at 30.66 and played his last Test in the final Ashes Test in Eng this year.
Artists & Authors
George sent me this
We went to the beautiful Cotswold village of Broadway today. It has a remarkable history, going back through to Roman times then the great wool industry period. The ‘Broadway’ was a major staging post on the journey for sheep from Worcester to London. There were 30 coaching inns there. After the decline of the wool industry the town declined further when it lost out to the railways. This meant that property prices fell and it was when the artists and authors moved in.
Why am I telling you this? In a new museum there linked to the Ashmolean at Oxford there is a piece on cricket matches about the turn of the century (the previous one that is) between authors and artists. I thought you’d like to see the team photograph and some of the notable key players.
When I go home I also found a short Wiki entry on it:
J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan— born in 1860—decided to form an amateur cricket team, and recruited many of his famous friends to join him.A few of the writers that participated included:
A.A. Milne, author of the Winnie the Pooh series
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the Sherlock Holmes series
P.G. Wodehouse, author of the Jeeves and Wooster series
H.G. Wells, author of The Time Machine and other science fiction works
Rudyard Kipling, author of The Jungle Book
E.W. Hornung, author of the A.J. Raffles series
G.K. Chesterton, author of the Father Brown detective novels
Intending to poke fun at their own abilities, the group called themselves the “Allahakbarries.” They were under the impression that “Allah akbar” meant “Heaven help us” in Arabic. (It actually means “God is great.”)
The athletic performance of such an eclectic group of creatives was a bit of a mixed bag. While some members of the team, including Arthur Conan Doyle, were quite proficient at cricket, others were not so athletically inclined. One showed up in pyjamas, and Barrie discovered that another didn’t know which side of the bat to hit with.
Though he was a good player, Conan Doyle had his share of mishaps, too—like the time he accidentally set himself on fire while playing a non-Allahakbarries match. He was up to bat, and the pitch hit him in the thigh, striking a box of matches he had in his pocket. In his own words:
“A little occasional pain is one of the chances of cricket, and one takes it as cheerfully as one can, but on this occasion it suddenly became sharp to an unbearable degree. I clapped my hand to the spot, and found to my amazement that I was on fire. The ball had landed straight on a small tin vesta box in my trousers pocket, had splintered the box, and set the matches ablaze.”
Occasionally, the Allahakbarries were even the more experienced team. When they played a team called the Artists, one of their players was overheard talking about how he wasn’t about to sacrifice his painter’s hands for “a dirty leather ball.”
But from their debut in 1887 until their final match in 1913, the team was never overly concerned about winning. “We played in the old style, caring little about the game and a good deal about a jolly time and pleasant scenery,” Conan Doyle later wrote. “There were many whimsical happenings, which were good fun if they were not good cricket.”
Itinerant Mercenaries
Nick Howson explains
Paul Stirling can't watch as his fate sits in the lap of the gods. Coaches known the world over list their priorities, strategists total the numbers, owners do the sums. The Belfast-born right-hander is just another figure in the algorithm which determines the squads for franchise competitions around the world. Drafts and auctions are promoted as being full of glitz and glamour. But behind the dramatic stop clocks, the jittery technology, and the social media promotion is a grim reality. Many professional cricketers, particularly those sitting underneath the white-ball format's big-ticket items such as Rashid Khan or Andre Russell, are waiting for the call, hoping their name is next drawn from the raffle.
Following outings for three different sides in the Bangladesh Premier League, one in the Afghanistan edition and now gearing up for a third appearance in the T10 League, Stirling to starting to become a staple of the franchise circuit, albeit on the lower rung. Despite this position, it took until the penultimate pick of the optional final round of the draft - which requires owners to sink deeper into their pockets to continue the recruitment drive - for the 29-year-old to book his place in the shortest format. Not that Stirling knew, having blocked out the process completely. "It is not something I regularly do, to be honest," he told The Cricketer. "I just wait for a text to say 'well done you got picked up'. Refresh your Twitter and it comes up. But there is nothing you can do."It is something that is out of your control. If you watch then you'd be on tenterhooks. It is one of those things that if you get it then great if you don't then there is an opportunity to do something else over the same period of time."
At least, that is the hope. Stirling's new status as an overseas player saw him overlooked for The Hundred while the cancellation of the Euro T20 Slam, scheduled for last August before its postponement, has left another gap his calendar. Depending on Ireland's progress in their sixth appearance at a T20 World Cup later next year they will play at least 41 ICC accredited matches, including four Tests. Stirling will be key to their success during their busiest period since being granted full member status, yet ensuring he is playing enough cricket around his international commitments will be vital.
"There is no real rest," he admits. "We've got four tours in the first four months of the year (West Indies, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan and Zimbabwe). The standard of cricket we're going to be playing will probably be at the highest it has ever been at."
While Ireland's elevation in the international arena is a welcome one, it could lead to a division. County contracts are now reliant on individuals being enlisted as overseas players, who are now barred from playing in the developmental One-Day Cup. Having left Middlesex as a result, Stirling is among those players waiting for the call. A return to Lord's isn't even out of the question. International retirements might be the only answer.
"I am hoping for a Blast spot or if someone needs replacing," he added. "It is just looking into squeezing into a team there. The Middlesex door might not be closed. We'll see what happens but I am hoping for some T20 Blast next year and hopefully trying to play as much high-level cricket as possible outside of the international stuff.
"Agent and former Ireland batsman-wicket-keeper Niall O'Brien is putting the feelers out. It is something I'd like to continue to do but there are no guarantees. It is always going to be difficult to get one of the two overseas spots at the counties. Hopefully, it will go the right way. "The change to overseas is really frustrating. You want to play at the highest standard you can. When you're an overseas player you're up against the best around and that makes it more difficult. There might still be some opportunities over there and I'll take them if they come.
"We've got 12 months to work on our T20 cricket in particular, as much as we can. One or two of those competitions would be good and I think the Euro T20 Slam is still in negotiations so it would be nice if that went ahead."
Inter-Provincial four-day and white-ball cricket might end up being Stirling's refuge though he is unsure whether the standard can support the national team sufficiently.
"County cricket has been great for all Ireland cricketers, for many years," said Stirling, who scored 6,207 runs across all formats during nine years at Middlesex. "It is going to be a real challenge. It is the toughest test that Cricket Ireland have over how they're going to produce cricketers to be international players from their own base when you can't play day-in, day-out and learn from others.
"I think that is going to be a struggle but if that is what we're up against that is what we have to deal with. Hopefully, we can get as many players abroad when we can to try and make-up that gap."
Stirling has at least enjoyed sufficient preparation for the start of the T10 League having led Ireland to next year's World Cup in Australia with a tournament-best haul of 291 runs. Many of those games were played at the same Sheikh Zayed Cricket Stadium where the T10 competition will be exclusively based.
Ahead of the litmus test of The Hundred next summer, 10-over cricket is a relatively untested idea at the highest level. The European Cricket League showcased it earlier this year and Stirling believes it could become an increased presence in the schedule - even infiltrating the international scene.
"I am surprised that there isn't another major T10 tournament in the world yet," he said. "I can't see it going any other way apart from more tournaments around the world, happening more often.
"It is just the time factor, it is 90 minutes per match. The crowd get their monies worth, they get three games in a day and there is a lot going for it. I think it is only a matter of time until it catches on around the world. "It is so fresh at the minute. But I don't see why not (it can't become international). The calendar is pretty saturated as it is but maybe it will kick-off. It is right in the franchise arena and hopefully, they'll be more."
With a domestic strike-rate of 141.69 and more runs in the first over of elite T20s since the start of 2018, Stirling is perfectly suited to the ideals behind T10, which makes no apology for its focus on attacking from the outset. "You might have a ball to get your eye in maybe," he gleamed. "But that is the biggest difference in the T20; teams are starting to go harder earlier. If not in the first over, definitely the second. But in T10 you go from ball one. They must go."
New Year’s Quiz
- Who is this ageing crooner?
- What was his seventies hit?
- Where was this photo taken?
Harris Matters
Ian Harris wraps up the 2019 season
The cricket season once again seemed to be over in the batting of an eyelid. Some wags might argue that Middlesex couldn’t even have batted an eyelid in the county championship towards the end of this season. But I’m not that sort of wag. For both the members’ forum on the Monday and the end of season lunch on the Friday, I was able to secure suitably timed real tennis sessions, hopefully gaining lots of useful practice with my doubles partner, Dominic, ahead of our quarter-final appearance next week.
The Monday evening forum was a surprisingly civilised affair, with members expressing their disappointment with the championship season but little of the bile that some thought might emerge. Chatting with several of the regulars at the post forum drinks, the mood was mostly quite optimistic for next season, hoping that the progress made this year with the white ball might filter through to the red ball cricket next season. It was also good to hear about several really promising youngsters coming through the seconds – I didn’t get to see any second team cricket this year.
Janie was fashionably late for the Middlesex event although mostly for the unfashionable reason that she had a power cut at Noddyland while doing the washing, which set her back time-wise. Then her cab didn’t show up. Undaunted, Janie arrived ahead of the meal while Gus was doing the introductions. Our table included Westy, Brigit, Geoff Norris, Charles Robbins, Jane Saxton and David Kendix.
Geoff Norris coaching Stuart Law, while I look on and Daisy looks away
With awards and stuff being done between courses Dawid Malan was Players’ Player Of the Year and Player Of The Year. David Fulton presented the Youth Player Of The Year award to Josh de Caires, via his helicopter dad, Michael.
After the awards, we were entertained by a highly skilled and entertaining magician. Some wags would suggest that he must have used magic to get our cricketers consistently to catch his deck of cards as it was thrown around for one of the tricks, but I’m not that sort of wag. The magician did somehow manage to extract a £20 note from Angus for his last trick – that could only possibly have been done by magic – the rest of that outstanding trick paled into insignificance after that initial piece of sorcery.
It seems to me that this event, only recently revamped as an awards lunch in this style, is going from strength to strength each year. The tone of the event is a superb mix of professionalism and clubiness; very much in keeping with Middlesex’s ethos.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
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