GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 29
May 2005
April Madness
The Professor and I decided to get the new season off to a flying start with visits to first class cricket in April. The first match was at Old Trafford where Lancashire were to take on Somerset. This visit was wisely cancelled when snow was spotted on the Derbyshire hills earlier in the week. The second venue was Headingley where the visitors were once again Somerset. We invited George to join us but he fabricated some feeble excuse about business commitments in Scotland. I knew that we had made the right decision on this occasion when the sun broke through as I arrived in Leeds. The Professor, who has become an honorary northerner, arrived by train from York.
I had agreed to meet him in the Club Shop on the ground where we had hoped to peruse such mouth-watering titles as Geoff Boycott’s “Sleeping with Bats” and the new unabridged edition of Len Hutton’s “Cricket is my Life”. In the event we bumped into each other at the turnstiles and were soon deciding from which vantage point to view the proceedings. No sooner were we in the ground that we bumped into Messrs Marsh and Graveney who appeared not to recognise us and so we were able to take our seats without further ado.
The previous day’s play in the match had been washed out and so this was Headingley’s first day’s play of the season. The ground looked excellent although there was some confusion as the electronic scoreboard said that Somerset would be batting whilst the tannoy system announced that Marcus Trescothick was leading the Somerset team into the field. We settled ourselves down and soon Matthew Wood and Phil Jaques were making steady progress against the apparently innocuous new ball attack of Andy Caddick and Nixon McLean.
Jaques looked compact and assured and Wood played some crisp shots and they went past fifty in under an hour but when Richard Johnson relieved McLean he bowled the former for 37. Andrew McGrath was next in and he scratched around for ages before Aaron Laraman, the only non-international in the Somerset attack, had him caught at slip by Somerset’s substitute fielder, Matthew Wood, who should not be confused with Yorkshire’s Matthew Wood. McGrath has been around the England one-day camp for the past couple of years like an unwanted groupie. It got us wondering whom it was that Marsh and Graveney had come to see. Michael Vaughan was taking a well-earned rest after six weeks of doing nothing and, presumably, Hoggard and Trescothick will at least start the Ashes series as automatic choices. We took the view that the old lags, Craig White and Andy Caddick, are now out of contention. We then had to discount the overseas and Kolpak players- Jaques, Harvey, Kruis, Jayasuriya and McLean. It started to become apparent that they were just having a day out of the house away from the wife.
Keen to dispel any notions that he might be a trainspotter, the Professor had adopted a casual air on arrival at the ground carrying just a copy of the Guardian. However, this belied his thorough preparedness for the occasion since his jacket was, apparently, equipped with poachers pockets and throughout the day he produced a series of useful and, indeed, essential objects from their depths, such as spectacles, sunglasses, a cap and the latest edition of the Playfair Annual. In no time the luncheon interval had arrived but not before a number of the spectators around us had been severely reprimanded for placing their feet on the seat in front of them by an over zealous steward. It was as well that Marsh and Graveney were seated elsewhere or they could have been severely embarrassed by slovenly behaviour.
The Professor models some of his accessories at Headingley
Neither the Professor nor I had brought a packed lunch anticipating some local delicacies to delight us. In the event we quickly established that the only fare on offer was from a burger bar and a donut shop. The Professor threw caution and digestion to the wind and worked his way through a plate of chips whilst I contented myself with a muffin. When play restarted after lunch Caddick returned to have Michael Lumb LBW. He was succeeded by Ian Harvey who put Caddick back in his place by driving the next two balls either side of mid off for four. Meanwhile, at the other end Yorkshire’s Matthew Wood was progressing to a workmanlike century. However, in mid-afternoon Nixon McLean reappeared and decided to bowl round the wicket to him and all his earlier composure disappeared. He spooned a shot just wide of cover and then top edged an attempted hook before edging to the wicket keeper, Rob Turner, for 95. Turner is the only wicket keeper I have ever seen who walks in with the fielders when standing back. This bizarre affectation is accentuated by the walk being carried out at right angles to the wicket. Nevertheless, he kept immaculately throughout the day.
Encouraged by this success McLean persisted with this angle of attack and soon had Craig White and Ismail Dawood caught at slip. Somewhat surprisingly Dawood is neither an overseas nor a Kolpak player since he was born in Dewsbury and went to Batley Grammar School. Richard Dawson was next up and the innings was in a state of crisis at 189 for 6. However, Dawson played as if he was in a hurry to be elsewhere and after being dropped by the new slim line Ian Blackwell was well caught by him at square leg for a jaunty 21. The score was 227 for 7 and the smart money was on Caddick and co cleaning up the tail. But Tim Bresnan kept Harvey company until the tea interval. The scorecard stated that tea would be taken at 4.10pm. The modern regulations are a mystery to both the Professor and myself since the players stayed on and then all strangely shuffled off at 4.27pm.
This facilitated another trip to the refreshment (sic) caravans. The Professor generously said that tea was on him and when I was handed a polystyrene cup of tea with the tea bag still in it I politely asked the lady behind the counter if she could take it out for me, as there were no spoons available. She looked puzzled but obligingly plunged her thumb and forefinger into the cup and removed it with the precision of a skilled surgeon. Health and Safety clearly has not reached this far north yet.
The sun had continued to shine all afternoon and we settled ourselves back into our seats for the final session of play. Harvey looked assured and powerful whilst Bresnan was solid in defence. But like Wood before him Harvey got edgy as his hundred approached and after Francis, who delighted us by wearing a pink Jazz hat all day, had almost pulled off a difficult catch at extra cover Caddick made Harvey’s day by dropping a sitter at mid off. This was all Harvey needed to encourage him to completely ruin Somerset’s day. He proceeded past a hundred without further mishap and then laid into the wilting Somerset attack with a spectacular display of driving. Bresnan came out of his shell and joined in the mayhem and in the final over the score reached 400 and their unbroken partnership had reached 174. Harvey was 161 not out and it seems incredible that he is superfluous to the Australians Ashes squad.
Looking forward to the Ashes
As this summer’s big event gets ever closer for once the Great Jack Morgan, the Professor and I are in agreement in that we all reckon England will do well if they avoid a complete whitewash.
However, the Great Jack Morgan did provide a glimmer of hope when he divulged the following:
“All spinners have to have some variations and it seems compulsory these days to tell everyone that you have far more than you have. Benaud pretends that he can spot all of Warne’s new zooters, scooters and tooters, but nobody else believes they exist. Warne’s fictitious new deliveries attempt to conceal the fact that his googly has disappeared.”
The Aussies have announced their touring party for the test matches. In case you missed it comprises the following:
Ricky Ponting, captain
Adam Gilchrist, vice captain
Michael Clarke
Jason Gillespie
Brad Haddin
Matthew Hayden
Brad Hodge
Justin Langer
Michael Kasprowicz
Simon Katich
Brett Lee
Stuart MacGill
Damien Martyn
Glenn McGrath
Shaun Tait
Shane Warne
The one-day squad is the above minus Messrs. Langer, MacGill, Warne, Hodge and Tait plus Michael Hussey, Andrew Symonds, Brad Hogg and Shane Watson.
Sadly, the most notable absentee is Darren Lehmann, the well-known Yorkshire captain and eccentric performer. This got me wondering who else would not be attending this summer’s main event in a baggy green hat. This lot would probably win the Ashes and they won’t even be here:
Matthew Elliott
Michael Hussey
Martin Love
Darren Lehmann
Andrew Symonds
Ian Harvey
Jimmy Maher, wk
Brad Hogg
Shane Watson
Ashley Noffke
Stuart Clark
And these guys are still in reserve: David Hussey, Phil Jaques, and Michael Bevan.
Almost Sobers
It may be contentious that the county games against the university academies rank as first class but they can give rise to some noteworthy performances. Oxford must have wished that they hadn’t dismissed the prolific Craig Spearman cheaply in his first innings since in the second he went past 200 before retiring. On the second day he had reached 170 from 136 balls which included 666646 from Stephen Moreton’s first over in first class cricket. Earlier in the month Robert Boswell had asked me “What was the Lancashire connection when Gary Sobers scored six sixes of one over?”
How the hell would I know? So I decided to dodge the question and demonstrate some parallel useless knowledge " Gary Sobers hit the 6X6 off Malcolm Nash, who served up more or less the perfect slow medium stuff. Sobers just wound himself up, as was his wont, and smashed each delivery. How do I know this? Extraordinarily it was captured on film, presumably by Welsh TV, and subsequently shown on the BBC. Malcolm Nash was, or is, the brother of Colin Nash, who played in the sixties for Hornsey, alongside amongst others, Roger Pearman who turned out for Middlesex on occasion. Colin was also a purveyor of left arm stuff at a quicker pace and I never got close to hitting him for six let alone six in an over.”
Boswell was soon able to put me out of my misery on the Lancashire question. “The umpire WE Philipson, who was at the bowler’s end, played for Lancashire and lived a few yards from the Old Trafford ground. The six pennies that he used during the over can be seen in Lancashire's museum.” So now you all know.
Peach’s Puzzler
Bob Peach tells me that he was lunching earlier in the year in exalted company at the House of Lords. His fellow distinguished guests apparently amused themselves throughout their meal by posing cricketing brainteasers to each other. Bob asked me the following:
Henry Malcolm Matters It took a long time for Henry Malcolm to appear in these pages but it was always only a matter of time and once he did the memories amongst my more senior correspondents were soon jogged into action. Last month both John and Bruce Tutton made Malcolm contributions and recently I was received the following from Roy Phipps:
“I would like to endorse the comments made in the last edition and add that he was a fine captain although somewhat eccentric in his decisions. A disciplinarian he certainly was. An incident springs to mind when I was very new to the first eleven at South Hampstead and was probably about twenty years old. I was bowling at the time with some success when Henry suddenly took me off. This really pissed me off and so I asked why? I was told that I was there to bowl leg breaks and not to slip in the odd off spinner. I was to learn to bowl the googlie or just stick to leggars. At the time I thought that this was a bit harsh to say the least, but he was right of course. So from then on I set about teaching myself this variation which took me about two years to summon the courage to bowl it in a match. A lesson learned indeed.”
Points, Pointless; No Regulation Relegation The professor sent me this little anecdote, knowing that it was just up my street
WGCCC play, as you know, in the Home Counties Premier League Division 2 East that is a feeder league to, as might be imagined, the Home Counties Premier League Division 1.The rules are that the top side at the end of the season is promoted and the bottom side relegated to the Saracens Hertfordshire Cricket League Division 1. At the same time, the top two sides in Division 1 are promoted to the HCPLD2E.Now clearly this only works if no team is relegated from the HCPLD1 to the HCPLD2E, i.e., if they (there are two each year) are both from the "West". If one of the relegated teams is from the "East" then two are relegated from HCPLD2E.With me so far?
Well, last season the two bottom sides in the HCPLD1 were Radlett and Potters Bar - both Easties. The upshot is that Hoddesdon who finished third from the bottom in our league were relegated although they were, seemingly, 14 points clear of relegation. The fate of any club lies, therefore, not with how well it performs but how well other clubs in other leagues perform. I understand Hoddesdon are not very happy about the situation.
I couldn’t resist joining in and so replied immediately Perhaps the points system should be biased to avoid this? You should get more points for beating a team in the west than those in the east in the early part of the season but if a team in the east starts to do well by mid season then earlier points against them could be increased retrospectively. In fact, if necessary, earlier losses against sides in the west could be converted to wins to avoid such difficulties.
Alternatively, there could be a central petrol allowance for all sides so that those in the east would not be financially handicapped by having to play those in the west just because they were better the previous season and were promoted, or were worse and got relegated.
What is clear is that points are now more important than winning games. Just ask Warwickshire.
Postscript to the Wisden Five
I wrote to the Professor: “Now that this selection is confined to English centrally contracted players who have not been selected before we can probably do next year’s list before a ball is bowled this season. I managed four out of five this year and, I think, can be forgiven for missing Key who seems to have been selected for partly successfully embarking on a slimming course.”
The Professor responded: “Next year Pietersen, Bell, Hoggard, Jones (either) and whichever Aussie isn't already there.”
Girly Cricket
The Professor wrote to me recently commenting: “Nothing in your journal so far about women’s cricket - presumably because, like me, you know nothing about it. Still we seem to have quite a good team.” I am aware that some of my readers have daughters who play cricket and so I had to tread carefully on this one. I replied: “ I have only rarely seen any women’s cricket but its a bit like watching a row of men knitting, there's nothing wrong with it but it somehow doesn't seem right.”
The Professor obviously had an anecdote up his sleeve and so I was hardly surprised when I received this back from him: “ I did once open the batting against a lady cricketer. Her name was Potter and she was, I think, the daughter of the playwright. In any event she played for Radlett 2nds. She was also, at the time, opening the bowling for England and we (the two openers) were terrified. Not of course by the pace, which was a gentle, on-the-spot medium, but by the possibility of getting out and the resulting difficulty in surviving the rest of the season's derision from other members of the team/club/anyone else who had head about it. As a result, we treated Ms Potter's deliveries as if the were mortar bombs, carefully blocked any straight ones, and did all we could to get a little pushed single off anything else, to get up the "safe" end. As you might imagine, the danger of a run out was never very far away. Happily I survived (as did my partner) and so it was possible to continue our membership of the Club and live in the south of England.”
Red Mist Matters
When we open the Googlies Hall of Fame one of the first entrants will be Shahid Red Mist Afridi, who gets regular mentions in these pages. He is also a favourite, obviously, of Bob Woolmer the new Coach to the Pakistan national side. Over the years Red Mist has been in and out of the test side but has normally been selected for the one-day internationals. In the recent series against India Woolmer recalled Red Mist for the second test after the first had been drawn. What was surprising is that our hero was invited to open the batting and responded with 29 in the first dig and then top scored with 59 in the second. This was a three match series and India won this match.
In the third match he picked up a plonger in the first innings but followed it up in the second with 58 from 26 balls. This innings changed the course of the match and set up Pakistan’s victory on the final day. Incidentally our man also took 3 for 13 to finish off India.
So then it was back to the one-dayers. India won the first two games comfortably, scoring 356 in the second. In the third Pakistan scored 319 and won and so the series was nicely set up. In the fourth match India scored 315 but Pakistan breezed past this modest total in the final over. In the fifth match India must have sensed that they were in trouble when they only posted a score of 249, but they could not have anticipated what they were about to encounter. Red Mist came out of the blocks with all guns blazing. He scored 102 from 46 deliveries with 9 sixes and 10 fours. When his was the first wicket to fall the score was 131 and the fifteenth over was still to be completed. This was the second fastest hundred in international cricket. No need to ask who holds the record for the fastest. Pakistan also won the sixth and final match to win the series 4-2. Afridi made a modest 44 in this final encounter from just 23 balls.
A Return to the Good Old Days The professor saw other possibilities in my suggestion that the Great Jack Morgan should come out of retirement to be England’s hero this summer:
I thought your solution to the English spin bowling problem was admirable but I think you were far too curt in your dismissal of the Great Jack Morgan's very generous offer to open the batting for the National XI. As I recall it, Jack's batting style was ideally suited to the five-day game, or indeed a timeless test should they ever revert to that format. I have long held the opinion that all this crash-bang test cricket beloved of the Australians is not quite the real thing. With Jack at the crease, it would bring back the days of proper test cricket when we had players like Noddy Puller blocking away, and a sensible 150 or so runs would be scored in a day, rather than before lunch. One could arrive at the ground at a civilised hour, say ten past twelve, in good time to see Jack get off the mark. One's conversations would not be interrupted with vulgar and flashy off drives or hooks for four or six. There would be an instant cure for the trend in modern cricket that irritates you so much - namely fielders diving around on the floor. There would be no need for them to dive, or indeed do very much at all. They could sign autographs or have an elegant glass of Pimms with some of the boundary spectators. Indeed, since little more than the square would be in use, there would be plenty of room for everyone who wanted to get into the ground, and the outfield would provide a perfect area for picnics and sunbathing. No, I think it is a splendid idea, and I urge you to forward the Great Man's offer to the relevant authorities.
Faux Pas
As far as I can recall I only ever opened the batting with Bob Peach on one occasion and that was on a Saturday in May 1971 when we were playing against Richmond and England were playing Scotland at Wembley. This was well into the era of the new pavilion at South Hampstead and one innovation was the introduction of a colour television in the lounge area.
As we went out to bat at 2.30pm I rather stupidly said to Bob something along the lines of “Well we’ve got half an hour before the match starts”. He looked singularly unimpressed and muttered some unintelligible response in his inimitable manner.
The wicket was pitched on the far side of the square, which gave a shortish boundary at the Milverton Road end square of the wicket down to the willow tree. This suited my cutting game and to my surprise I got a couple away quite quickly off the middle of the bat for four. Bob scowled at me from the other end as if to suggest that I was being a little too cavalier. He remained becalmed but I was soon finding the boundary a couple more times and felt that I was in pretty good touch.
Then I flashed at one too many and was caught behind. As I walked off I looked up at the pavilion clock that said 2.58pm. I knew that I would never be able to convince Bob that I had batted in other than an extremely irresponsible manner. The truth was that I found batting too difficult a business to ever give my wicket away.
It wasn’t my fault
What is the easiest thing in the world? Simple, any batsman will tell you that it is getting out. But they still come up with a whole plethora of excuses when they succumb at the crease. Here is just a selection of the explanations put forward for batting failure:
1. My bat got caught in my pad.
2. I was preoccupied with the fact that I had forgotten my box.
3. I played for the spin and there wasn’t any.
4. I shouldn’t have had that snifter before I left the pavilion.
5. I was almost past the stumps when he broke the wicket.
6. I never touched it.
7. It was a bump ball.
8. He should never have been fielding there.
9. I was expecting the Kookaburra to swing.
10. I was distracted by that lump of bird shit on the sightscreen.
11. The umpire said right arm over not left arm round.
12. When I said yes, I really meant no
13. I usually don’t open the batting.
14. I thought that we were still going for the runs.
15. I haven’t had a net yet this season.
16. I’ve never worn sunglasses to bat in before.
17. Last time I batted with a hangover I scored a hundred.
18. You never said that the runner had a gammy leg.
19. The umpire must have given me the wrong guard.
20. The bail just blew off.
For those of you who like a quiz, which one of the above has not been used by the Legendary Len Stubbs?
People Matters I received this from John Lindley recently: “Do you still play? I have to admit to season number fifty-one just starting at Ealing CC, alongside Bob Fisher & Alan Price. They gave us a Luncheon & special match in May last year to celebrate our fiftieth season at the club. There were 240 for lunch and over 600 people around the ground at various times during the game. I'm now retired & live at Milborne Port near Sherborne, but make the trip up to play at Ealing every weekend in the season alongside Bob Fisher in the 4th XI. I am also still Fixture Secretary - 39 and growing!”
Don Shelley, who used to score for the Bush before spending many years with Ealing, is the new Middlesex scorer.
A gentle reminder to Ken James and the South Hampstead committee- all Vice Presidents would like a fixture card this year please.
Dad’s Worst Nightmare
James Monroe was telling me recently that his son, who is eleven, asked him for a new pair of football boots. So far so good. But they had to be Nike and these are £80 a pair. Well this is bad news but there was worse to come. He wanted each colour in their range which includes gold, silver, red etc. When I was that age my Dad got me a pair of Arthur Rowe boots second hand for half a crown. One shudders to think what George will have to shell out for his grandson and namesake’s boots in a few years time.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 31 During our sojourn at Headingley the Professor turned to me and asked whether I found the wearing of sunglasses by modern cricketers irritating. This was disingenuous of him since he already, of course, knew the answer and it turned out that he was something of an expert on the matter. Apparently modern cricket caps and other headgear come equipped with little lugs above the brim so that the sunglasses can be lodged securely when not required to deal with the sun’s glare or whatever they are worn for. This though brings us to the hub of the matter since their principal use is as a fashion accessory whether worn above or below the brim. At Headingley despite the bright sunlight Ian Blackwell wore his above the brim and whenever the sun caught the lenses it looked as if he was wearing a miner’s helmet. This of course made him look a prat particularly as it drew additional attention to his inept fielding.
Rangers Reminiscences
On of my first visits to the Peak District, where I now live, was at Easter 1976 when I stayed with George and some friends in a rented house in Castleton. At this time the Rangers were in the First Division and had just enjoyed a twelve match unbeaten run which left them top with three games to go. If they won these remaining matches they would be champions. On Saturday April 17 they were playing at Norwich, who were a mid-table side at the time along with Tottenham and Everton. Whatever else was on the agenda for this day we were never far from a radio during the afternoon as progress on the match was monitored. At half time the score was 1-1, with Dave Thomas scoring for the Rangers. But although the Rangers scored again Norwich eventually won the match 3-2. Meanwhile Liverpool beat Stoke 5-3, which put them on top of the table. Both Rangers and Liverpool were left with two matches each left to play.
On Easter Monday the Rangers beat Arsenal at home 2-1 with Gerry Francis and Frank McClintock scoring their goals. Liverpool stayed on top with a 3-0 win over Manchester City. And so to the final games of the season. The Rangers last game was on the following Saturday, 24 April, against Leeds at home. George and I hurried back from Derbyshire met up with Bob Cozens and hurried along to Loftus Road along with over 31,000 others who squeezed into the ground. Goals from Thomas and Bowles saw the Rangers to a 2-0 victory that took them back to the top of the table.
However, Liverpool didn’t play their last game until Tuesday 4th May and they were away to Wolves who needed to win to avoid relegation. For ten days Rangers fans everywhere contemplated the unthinkable-that our Third Division South team could be Champions. When the final day arrived Wolves did us proud, at least until half time. Steve Kindon put them ahead in the first half and it wasn’t until the 76th minute that Keegan equalised for Liverpool. Sadly Toshack and Kennedy scored further goals and Liverpool were champions.
It is extraordinary that Rangers to all intents and purposes only used twelve players all season. The team sheet read week in week out: Parkes, Clement, Gillard, Hollins or Leach, McClintock, Webb, Masson, Francis, Thomas, Bowles and Givens. The reserves-Beck, Abbott, Tegg, Nutt and Shanks played only fourteen games between them. A press report after the Leeds game said: “ Bowles was another player blessed with so much skill and determined to fight to the end. Yesterday he strolled about the pitch, dancing around, tantalising and finally demoralising his opponents. For him it was a marvellous note on which to end a marvellous season. And for his club yesterday’s result leaves them nearly believing that attacking, entertaining soccer can win trophies.”
Strange Elevens
Martin Sneesby explains that all the players in last month’s Strange XI had a first class debut in one country before emigrating to another to live, an expat XI. The indefatigable Great Jack Morgan has produced another bunch for you to ponder this month:
Paul Downton
Ken Barrington
Ted Dexter
Peter Parfitt
Graham Roope
Ray Illingworth
Richard Hutton
John Stephenson
Jack Birkenshaw
Fred Titmus
Jimmy Binks (w/k)
All you have to do is work out which Jazz Hat they are entitled to wear.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 29
May 2005
April Madness
The Professor and I decided to get the new season off to a flying start with visits to first class cricket in April. The first match was at Old Trafford where Lancashire were to take on Somerset. This visit was wisely cancelled when snow was spotted on the Derbyshire hills earlier in the week. The second venue was Headingley where the visitors were once again Somerset. We invited George to join us but he fabricated some feeble excuse about business commitments in Scotland. I knew that we had made the right decision on this occasion when the sun broke through as I arrived in Leeds. The Professor, who has become an honorary northerner, arrived by train from York.
I had agreed to meet him in the Club Shop on the ground where we had hoped to peruse such mouth-watering titles as Geoff Boycott’s “Sleeping with Bats” and the new unabridged edition of Len Hutton’s “Cricket is my Life”. In the event we bumped into each other at the turnstiles and were soon deciding from which vantage point to view the proceedings. No sooner were we in the ground that we bumped into Messrs Marsh and Graveney who appeared not to recognise us and so we were able to take our seats without further ado.
The previous day’s play in the match had been washed out and so this was Headingley’s first day’s play of the season. The ground looked excellent although there was some confusion as the electronic scoreboard said that Somerset would be batting whilst the tannoy system announced that Marcus Trescothick was leading the Somerset team into the field. We settled ourselves down and soon Matthew Wood and Phil Jaques were making steady progress against the apparently innocuous new ball attack of Andy Caddick and Nixon McLean.
Jaques looked compact and assured and Wood played some crisp shots and they went past fifty in under an hour but when Richard Johnson relieved McLean he bowled the former for 37. Andrew McGrath was next in and he scratched around for ages before Aaron Laraman, the only non-international in the Somerset attack, had him caught at slip by Somerset’s substitute fielder, Matthew Wood, who should not be confused with Yorkshire’s Matthew Wood. McGrath has been around the England one-day camp for the past couple of years like an unwanted groupie. It got us wondering whom it was that Marsh and Graveney had come to see. Michael Vaughan was taking a well-earned rest after six weeks of doing nothing and, presumably, Hoggard and Trescothick will at least start the Ashes series as automatic choices. We took the view that the old lags, Craig White and Andy Caddick, are now out of contention. We then had to discount the overseas and Kolpak players- Jaques, Harvey, Kruis, Jayasuriya and McLean. It started to become apparent that they were just having a day out of the house away from the wife.
Keen to dispel any notions that he might be a trainspotter, the Professor had adopted a casual air on arrival at the ground carrying just a copy of the Guardian. However, this belied his thorough preparedness for the occasion since his jacket was, apparently, equipped with poachers pockets and throughout the day he produced a series of useful and, indeed, essential objects from their depths, such as spectacles, sunglasses, a cap and the latest edition of the Playfair Annual. In no time the luncheon interval had arrived but not before a number of the spectators around us had been severely reprimanded for placing their feet on the seat in front of them by an over zealous steward. It was as well that Marsh and Graveney were seated elsewhere or they could have been severely embarrassed by slovenly behaviour.
The Professor models some of his accessories at Headingley
Neither the Professor nor I had brought a packed lunch anticipating some local delicacies to delight us. In the event we quickly established that the only fare on offer was from a burger bar and a donut shop. The Professor threw caution and digestion to the wind and worked his way through a plate of chips whilst I contented myself with a muffin. When play restarted after lunch Caddick returned to have Michael Lumb LBW. He was succeeded by Ian Harvey who put Caddick back in his place by driving the next two balls either side of mid off for four. Meanwhile, at the other end Yorkshire’s Matthew Wood was progressing to a workmanlike century. However, in mid-afternoon Nixon McLean reappeared and decided to bowl round the wicket to him and all his earlier composure disappeared. He spooned a shot just wide of cover and then top edged an attempted hook before edging to the wicket keeper, Rob Turner, for 95. Turner is the only wicket keeper I have ever seen who walks in with the fielders when standing back. This bizarre affectation is accentuated by the walk being carried out at right angles to the wicket. Nevertheless, he kept immaculately throughout the day.
Encouraged by this success McLean persisted with this angle of attack and soon had Craig White and Ismail Dawood caught at slip. Somewhat surprisingly Dawood is neither an overseas nor a Kolpak player since he was born in Dewsbury and went to Batley Grammar School. Richard Dawson was next up and the innings was in a state of crisis at 189 for 6. However, Dawson played as if he was in a hurry to be elsewhere and after being dropped by the new slim line Ian Blackwell was well caught by him at square leg for a jaunty 21. The score was 227 for 7 and the smart money was on Caddick and co cleaning up the tail. But Tim Bresnan kept Harvey company until the tea interval. The scorecard stated that tea would be taken at 4.10pm. The modern regulations are a mystery to both the Professor and myself since the players stayed on and then all strangely shuffled off at 4.27pm.
This facilitated another trip to the refreshment (sic) caravans. The Professor generously said that tea was on him and when I was handed a polystyrene cup of tea with the tea bag still in it I politely asked the lady behind the counter if she could take it out for me, as there were no spoons available. She looked puzzled but obligingly plunged her thumb and forefinger into the cup and removed it with the precision of a skilled surgeon. Health and Safety clearly has not reached this far north yet.
The sun had continued to shine all afternoon and we settled ourselves back into our seats for the final session of play. Harvey looked assured and powerful whilst Bresnan was solid in defence. But like Wood before him Harvey got edgy as his hundred approached and after Francis, who delighted us by wearing a pink Jazz hat all day, had almost pulled off a difficult catch at extra cover Caddick made Harvey’s day by dropping a sitter at mid off. This was all Harvey needed to encourage him to completely ruin Somerset’s day. He proceeded past a hundred without further mishap and then laid into the wilting Somerset attack with a spectacular display of driving. Bresnan came out of his shell and joined in the mayhem and in the final over the score reached 400 and their unbroken partnership had reached 174. Harvey was 161 not out and it seems incredible that he is superfluous to the Australians Ashes squad.
Looking forward to the Ashes
As this summer’s big event gets ever closer for once the Great Jack Morgan, the Professor and I are in agreement in that we all reckon England will do well if they avoid a complete whitewash.
However, the Great Jack Morgan did provide a glimmer of hope when he divulged the following:
“All spinners have to have some variations and it seems compulsory these days to tell everyone that you have far more than you have. Benaud pretends that he can spot all of Warne’s new zooters, scooters and tooters, but nobody else believes they exist. Warne’s fictitious new deliveries attempt to conceal the fact that his googly has disappeared.”
The Aussies have announced their touring party for the test matches. In case you missed it comprises the following:
Ricky Ponting, captain
Adam Gilchrist, vice captain
Michael Clarke
Jason Gillespie
Brad Haddin
Matthew Hayden
Brad Hodge
Justin Langer
Michael Kasprowicz
Simon Katich
Brett Lee
Stuart MacGill
Damien Martyn
Glenn McGrath
Shaun Tait
Shane Warne
The one-day squad is the above minus Messrs. Langer, MacGill, Warne, Hodge and Tait plus Michael Hussey, Andrew Symonds, Brad Hogg and Shane Watson.
Sadly, the most notable absentee is Darren Lehmann, the well-known Yorkshire captain and eccentric performer. This got me wondering who else would not be attending this summer’s main event in a baggy green hat. This lot would probably win the Ashes and they won’t even be here:
Matthew Elliott
Michael Hussey
Martin Love
Darren Lehmann
Andrew Symonds
Ian Harvey
Jimmy Maher, wk
Brad Hogg
Shane Watson
Ashley Noffke
Stuart Clark
And these guys are still in reserve: David Hussey, Phil Jaques, and Michael Bevan.
Almost Sobers
It may be contentious that the county games against the university academies rank as first class but they can give rise to some noteworthy performances. Oxford must have wished that they hadn’t dismissed the prolific Craig Spearman cheaply in his first innings since in the second he went past 200 before retiring. On the second day he had reached 170 from 136 balls which included 666646 from Stephen Moreton’s first over in first class cricket. Earlier in the month Robert Boswell had asked me “What was the Lancashire connection when Gary Sobers scored six sixes of one over?”
How the hell would I know? So I decided to dodge the question and demonstrate some parallel useless knowledge " Gary Sobers hit the 6X6 off Malcolm Nash, who served up more or less the perfect slow medium stuff. Sobers just wound himself up, as was his wont, and smashed each delivery. How do I know this? Extraordinarily it was captured on film, presumably by Welsh TV, and subsequently shown on the BBC. Malcolm Nash was, or is, the brother of Colin Nash, who played in the sixties for Hornsey, alongside amongst others, Roger Pearman who turned out for Middlesex on occasion. Colin was also a purveyor of left arm stuff at a quicker pace and I never got close to hitting him for six let alone six in an over.”
Boswell was soon able to put me out of my misery on the Lancashire question. “The umpire WE Philipson, who was at the bowler’s end, played for Lancashire and lived a few yards from the Old Trafford ground. The six pennies that he used during the over can be seen in Lancashire's museum.” So now you all know.
Peach’s Puzzler
Bob Peach tells me that he was lunching earlier in the year in exalted company at the House of Lords. His fellow distinguished guests apparently amused themselves throughout their meal by posing cricketing brainteasers to each other. Bob asked me the following:
- Which record does Tony Lock hold as a batsman?
- Which four batsmen have scored double centuries on the same five grounds?
Henry Malcolm Matters It took a long time for Henry Malcolm to appear in these pages but it was always only a matter of time and once he did the memories amongst my more senior correspondents were soon jogged into action. Last month both John and Bruce Tutton made Malcolm contributions and recently I was received the following from Roy Phipps:
“I would like to endorse the comments made in the last edition and add that he was a fine captain although somewhat eccentric in his decisions. A disciplinarian he certainly was. An incident springs to mind when I was very new to the first eleven at South Hampstead and was probably about twenty years old. I was bowling at the time with some success when Henry suddenly took me off. This really pissed me off and so I asked why? I was told that I was there to bowl leg breaks and not to slip in the odd off spinner. I was to learn to bowl the googlie or just stick to leggars. At the time I thought that this was a bit harsh to say the least, but he was right of course. So from then on I set about teaching myself this variation which took me about two years to summon the courage to bowl it in a match. A lesson learned indeed.”
Points, Pointless; No Regulation Relegation The professor sent me this little anecdote, knowing that it was just up my street
WGCCC play, as you know, in the Home Counties Premier League Division 2 East that is a feeder league to, as might be imagined, the Home Counties Premier League Division 1.The rules are that the top side at the end of the season is promoted and the bottom side relegated to the Saracens Hertfordshire Cricket League Division 1. At the same time, the top two sides in Division 1 are promoted to the HCPLD2E.Now clearly this only works if no team is relegated from the HCPLD1 to the HCPLD2E, i.e., if they (there are two each year) are both from the "West". If one of the relegated teams is from the "East" then two are relegated from HCPLD2E.With me so far?
Well, last season the two bottom sides in the HCPLD1 were Radlett and Potters Bar - both Easties. The upshot is that Hoddesdon who finished third from the bottom in our league were relegated although they were, seemingly, 14 points clear of relegation. The fate of any club lies, therefore, not with how well it performs but how well other clubs in other leagues perform. I understand Hoddesdon are not very happy about the situation.
I couldn’t resist joining in and so replied immediately Perhaps the points system should be biased to avoid this? You should get more points for beating a team in the west than those in the east in the early part of the season but if a team in the east starts to do well by mid season then earlier points against them could be increased retrospectively. In fact, if necessary, earlier losses against sides in the west could be converted to wins to avoid such difficulties.
Alternatively, there could be a central petrol allowance for all sides so that those in the east would not be financially handicapped by having to play those in the west just because they were better the previous season and were promoted, or were worse and got relegated.
What is clear is that points are now more important than winning games. Just ask Warwickshire.
Postscript to the Wisden Five
I wrote to the Professor: “Now that this selection is confined to English centrally contracted players who have not been selected before we can probably do next year’s list before a ball is bowled this season. I managed four out of five this year and, I think, can be forgiven for missing Key who seems to have been selected for partly successfully embarking on a slimming course.”
The Professor responded: “Next year Pietersen, Bell, Hoggard, Jones (either) and whichever Aussie isn't already there.”
Girly Cricket
The Professor wrote to me recently commenting: “Nothing in your journal so far about women’s cricket - presumably because, like me, you know nothing about it. Still we seem to have quite a good team.” I am aware that some of my readers have daughters who play cricket and so I had to tread carefully on this one. I replied: “ I have only rarely seen any women’s cricket but its a bit like watching a row of men knitting, there's nothing wrong with it but it somehow doesn't seem right.”
The Professor obviously had an anecdote up his sleeve and so I was hardly surprised when I received this back from him: “ I did once open the batting against a lady cricketer. Her name was Potter and she was, I think, the daughter of the playwright. In any event she played for Radlett 2nds. She was also, at the time, opening the bowling for England and we (the two openers) were terrified. Not of course by the pace, which was a gentle, on-the-spot medium, but by the possibility of getting out and the resulting difficulty in surviving the rest of the season's derision from other members of the team/club/anyone else who had head about it. As a result, we treated Ms Potter's deliveries as if the were mortar bombs, carefully blocked any straight ones, and did all we could to get a little pushed single off anything else, to get up the "safe" end. As you might imagine, the danger of a run out was never very far away. Happily I survived (as did my partner) and so it was possible to continue our membership of the Club and live in the south of England.”
Red Mist Matters
When we open the Googlies Hall of Fame one of the first entrants will be Shahid Red Mist Afridi, who gets regular mentions in these pages. He is also a favourite, obviously, of Bob Woolmer the new Coach to the Pakistan national side. Over the years Red Mist has been in and out of the test side but has normally been selected for the one-day internationals. In the recent series against India Woolmer recalled Red Mist for the second test after the first had been drawn. What was surprising is that our hero was invited to open the batting and responded with 29 in the first dig and then top scored with 59 in the second. This was a three match series and India won this match.
In the third match he picked up a plonger in the first innings but followed it up in the second with 58 from 26 balls. This innings changed the course of the match and set up Pakistan’s victory on the final day. Incidentally our man also took 3 for 13 to finish off India.
So then it was back to the one-dayers. India won the first two games comfortably, scoring 356 in the second. In the third Pakistan scored 319 and won and so the series was nicely set up. In the fourth match India scored 315 but Pakistan breezed past this modest total in the final over. In the fifth match India must have sensed that they were in trouble when they only posted a score of 249, but they could not have anticipated what they were about to encounter. Red Mist came out of the blocks with all guns blazing. He scored 102 from 46 deliveries with 9 sixes and 10 fours. When his was the first wicket to fall the score was 131 and the fifteenth over was still to be completed. This was the second fastest hundred in international cricket. No need to ask who holds the record for the fastest. Pakistan also won the sixth and final match to win the series 4-2. Afridi made a modest 44 in this final encounter from just 23 balls.
A Return to the Good Old Days The professor saw other possibilities in my suggestion that the Great Jack Morgan should come out of retirement to be England’s hero this summer:
I thought your solution to the English spin bowling problem was admirable but I think you were far too curt in your dismissal of the Great Jack Morgan's very generous offer to open the batting for the National XI. As I recall it, Jack's batting style was ideally suited to the five-day game, or indeed a timeless test should they ever revert to that format. I have long held the opinion that all this crash-bang test cricket beloved of the Australians is not quite the real thing. With Jack at the crease, it would bring back the days of proper test cricket when we had players like Noddy Puller blocking away, and a sensible 150 or so runs would be scored in a day, rather than before lunch. One could arrive at the ground at a civilised hour, say ten past twelve, in good time to see Jack get off the mark. One's conversations would not be interrupted with vulgar and flashy off drives or hooks for four or six. There would be an instant cure for the trend in modern cricket that irritates you so much - namely fielders diving around on the floor. There would be no need for them to dive, or indeed do very much at all. They could sign autographs or have an elegant glass of Pimms with some of the boundary spectators. Indeed, since little more than the square would be in use, there would be plenty of room for everyone who wanted to get into the ground, and the outfield would provide a perfect area for picnics and sunbathing. No, I think it is a splendid idea, and I urge you to forward the Great Man's offer to the relevant authorities.
Faux Pas
As far as I can recall I only ever opened the batting with Bob Peach on one occasion and that was on a Saturday in May 1971 when we were playing against Richmond and England were playing Scotland at Wembley. This was well into the era of the new pavilion at South Hampstead and one innovation was the introduction of a colour television in the lounge area.
As we went out to bat at 2.30pm I rather stupidly said to Bob something along the lines of “Well we’ve got half an hour before the match starts”. He looked singularly unimpressed and muttered some unintelligible response in his inimitable manner.
The wicket was pitched on the far side of the square, which gave a shortish boundary at the Milverton Road end square of the wicket down to the willow tree. This suited my cutting game and to my surprise I got a couple away quite quickly off the middle of the bat for four. Bob scowled at me from the other end as if to suggest that I was being a little too cavalier. He remained becalmed but I was soon finding the boundary a couple more times and felt that I was in pretty good touch.
Then I flashed at one too many and was caught behind. As I walked off I looked up at the pavilion clock that said 2.58pm. I knew that I would never be able to convince Bob that I had batted in other than an extremely irresponsible manner. The truth was that I found batting too difficult a business to ever give my wicket away.
It wasn’t my fault
What is the easiest thing in the world? Simple, any batsman will tell you that it is getting out. But they still come up with a whole plethora of excuses when they succumb at the crease. Here is just a selection of the explanations put forward for batting failure:
1. My bat got caught in my pad.
2. I was preoccupied with the fact that I had forgotten my box.
3. I played for the spin and there wasn’t any.
4. I shouldn’t have had that snifter before I left the pavilion.
5. I was almost past the stumps when he broke the wicket.
6. I never touched it.
7. It was a bump ball.
8. He should never have been fielding there.
9. I was expecting the Kookaburra to swing.
10. I was distracted by that lump of bird shit on the sightscreen.
11. The umpire said right arm over not left arm round.
12. When I said yes, I really meant no
13. I usually don’t open the batting.
14. I thought that we were still going for the runs.
15. I haven’t had a net yet this season.
16. I’ve never worn sunglasses to bat in before.
17. Last time I batted with a hangover I scored a hundred.
18. You never said that the runner had a gammy leg.
19. The umpire must have given me the wrong guard.
20. The bail just blew off.
For those of you who like a quiz, which one of the above has not been used by the Legendary Len Stubbs?
People Matters I received this from John Lindley recently: “Do you still play? I have to admit to season number fifty-one just starting at Ealing CC, alongside Bob Fisher & Alan Price. They gave us a Luncheon & special match in May last year to celebrate our fiftieth season at the club. There were 240 for lunch and over 600 people around the ground at various times during the game. I'm now retired & live at Milborne Port near Sherborne, but make the trip up to play at Ealing every weekend in the season alongside Bob Fisher in the 4th XI. I am also still Fixture Secretary - 39 and growing!”
Don Shelley, who used to score for the Bush before spending many years with Ealing, is the new Middlesex scorer.
A gentle reminder to Ken James and the South Hampstead committee- all Vice Presidents would like a fixture card this year please.
Dad’s Worst Nightmare
James Monroe was telling me recently that his son, who is eleven, asked him for a new pair of football boots. So far so good. But they had to be Nike and these are £80 a pair. Well this is bad news but there was worse to come. He wanted each colour in their range which includes gold, silver, red etc. When I was that age my Dad got me a pair of Arthur Rowe boots second hand for half a crown. One shudders to think what George will have to shell out for his grandson and namesake’s boots in a few years time.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 31 During our sojourn at Headingley the Professor turned to me and asked whether I found the wearing of sunglasses by modern cricketers irritating. This was disingenuous of him since he already, of course, knew the answer and it turned out that he was something of an expert on the matter. Apparently modern cricket caps and other headgear come equipped with little lugs above the brim so that the sunglasses can be lodged securely when not required to deal with the sun’s glare or whatever they are worn for. This though brings us to the hub of the matter since their principal use is as a fashion accessory whether worn above or below the brim. At Headingley despite the bright sunlight Ian Blackwell wore his above the brim and whenever the sun caught the lenses it looked as if he was wearing a miner’s helmet. This of course made him look a prat particularly as it drew additional attention to his inept fielding.
Rangers Reminiscences
On of my first visits to the Peak District, where I now live, was at Easter 1976 when I stayed with George and some friends in a rented house in Castleton. At this time the Rangers were in the First Division and had just enjoyed a twelve match unbeaten run which left them top with three games to go. If they won these remaining matches they would be champions. On Saturday April 17 they were playing at Norwich, who were a mid-table side at the time along with Tottenham and Everton. Whatever else was on the agenda for this day we were never far from a radio during the afternoon as progress on the match was monitored. At half time the score was 1-1, with Dave Thomas scoring for the Rangers. But although the Rangers scored again Norwich eventually won the match 3-2. Meanwhile Liverpool beat Stoke 5-3, which put them on top of the table. Both Rangers and Liverpool were left with two matches each left to play.
On Easter Monday the Rangers beat Arsenal at home 2-1 with Gerry Francis and Frank McClintock scoring their goals. Liverpool stayed on top with a 3-0 win over Manchester City. And so to the final games of the season. The Rangers last game was on the following Saturday, 24 April, against Leeds at home. George and I hurried back from Derbyshire met up with Bob Cozens and hurried along to Loftus Road along with over 31,000 others who squeezed into the ground. Goals from Thomas and Bowles saw the Rangers to a 2-0 victory that took them back to the top of the table.
However, Liverpool didn’t play their last game until Tuesday 4th May and they were away to Wolves who needed to win to avoid relegation. For ten days Rangers fans everywhere contemplated the unthinkable-that our Third Division South team could be Champions. When the final day arrived Wolves did us proud, at least until half time. Steve Kindon put them ahead in the first half and it wasn’t until the 76th minute that Keegan equalised for Liverpool. Sadly Toshack and Kennedy scored further goals and Liverpool were champions.
It is extraordinary that Rangers to all intents and purposes only used twelve players all season. The team sheet read week in week out: Parkes, Clement, Gillard, Hollins or Leach, McClintock, Webb, Masson, Francis, Thomas, Bowles and Givens. The reserves-Beck, Abbott, Tegg, Nutt and Shanks played only fourteen games between them. A press report after the Leeds game said: “ Bowles was another player blessed with so much skill and determined to fight to the end. Yesterday he strolled about the pitch, dancing around, tantalising and finally demoralising his opponents. For him it was a marvellous note on which to end a marvellous season. And for his club yesterday’s result leaves them nearly believing that attacking, entertaining soccer can win trophies.”
Strange Elevens
Martin Sneesby explains that all the players in last month’s Strange XI had a first class debut in one country before emigrating to another to live, an expat XI. The indefatigable Great Jack Morgan has produced another bunch for you to ponder this month:
Paul Downton
Ken Barrington
Ted Dexter
Peter Parfitt
Graham Roope
Ray Illingworth
Richard Hutton
John Stephenson
Jack Birkenshaw
Fred Titmus
Jimmy Binks (w/k)
All you have to do is work out which Jazz Hat they are entitled to wear.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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