GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 4
April 2003 The Rolling Stones
Until David Banks’ email arrived I thought I was the only one enjoying the Strange Elevens but again that could be true of this whole enterprise. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about unusually named sides that I have played for. These included Middlesex Club & Ground, The Gentlemen of Berkshire, Colonel Garrard’s XI, Gonville & Caius College and even the Old Uffingtonians in a six-a-side competition.
However, the most exotic of the lot was one organised and captained by George who in 1968 was Team Secretary for the South Hampstead Wednesday XI, captained at the time by Peter Huntley. To fill a gap in the fixture list George agreed to raise a side and in a blatant attempt to irritate the shit out of the club’s hierarchy, called his team the Rolling Stones, which duly appeared in the club’s fixture list.
So who played for the Rolling Stones on that unique occasion? I would love to report that Mick and Keith turned out but I can only remember Bill Groombridge, the Old Danes 2nd XI centre half who made a rare appearances in whites, and Gary Black from Shepherds Bush who opened the bowling, before rain brought proceedings to a premature halt.
Gary Rhoades will be elated to hear that his idol, the Great Jack Morgan, has been contacted through the good offices of Frank Foreman. The next edition will be packed with news of his latest eccentricities and idiosyncrasies, together with a downloadable video of his greatest innings. The latter will, understandably, be very short.
As promised, in this edition is the eagerly anticipated explanation of the Duckworth Lewis method, but before that it seems appropriate to make our very own World Cup Awards.
World Cup Matters & Awards The ghastly Tony Greig is now shaped like a wigwam, which is almost as disturbing as his awful Afrikaans accent. He has no idea who any of the current players are and so never refers to any of them by name. He would like to curry favour by being partisan but can never remember which nation he wants to be allied to in line with his latest mercenary exploits. Yes, he’s a real charmer and gets the Ass Hole award.
*
The Pakistani Podge, Inzaman ul Haq, is one of the top batsmen in the world by any criteria. Therefore, his failure to reach double figures in six attempts requires some explanation, which we are pleased to provide. Like Samson, he lost his miraculous powers when he shed part of himself, which in his case was about 75 pounds prior to the competition. Go and have lunch with Gatting, Inzy, you will feel better and who knows you may recover your touch.
*
The Tom Mix award goes to John Davison who cleared the stand and landed one halfway across the practise pitch in Benoni.
*
Jamie, Jimmy, James Anderson soon found out that at international level you get slapped on the back when things are going well (v. Pakistan) but slapped on the bum when you get stick (v. India). Would you be encouraged by a tap on the backside from Andy Caddick? *
I found my spinning finger itching whenever J.P.Burger of Namibia marked out his run. He made my innocuous leg spinners look zippy and full of menace. He is the bowler I would take to the Desert Island.
*
Many excuses have been put forward for England’s failure to qualify for the Super Sixes. Indeed there are enough to fill a Kevin Keegan video. However, the real reason is that England’s first four-Knight, Trescothick, Vaughan & Hussain (or Flintoff or Stewart) scored only 442 in five attempts, or an average of 88 per game. Even the Dutch did better than this…
*
The most inelegant sight of the World Cup (admittedly after the Ghastly Greig’s overall appearance) was the sagging belly of the English Umpire, David Shepherd, which protruded over his trousers in classic Chicago waistline style. He has now given up trying to stand on one leg when Nelson is reached because he just collapses in a heap.
*
Carl Hooper showed more style than most when he refused to blame others for the West Indies early exit from the competition, but became the latest incident of Freeze Brain in his innings against Kenya, when after playing and missing he then strolled forward down the track and was stumped.
*
The West Indies’ latest “Brown Your Pants” fast bowler, Jermaine Lawson, adopts the Durham Sprayer’s approach to the loosener. When his first delivery in the World Cup missed the strip, Ian Botham exclaimed: “If you are standing at first slip that really wakes you up!”
*
When Darren Lehman was struck on the pads in front of the wicket against England, the Ghastly Grieg brayed, “That must be out, c’mon Umpire put your finger up. Well, lets look at the replay. It’s pitched outside the leg stump and its missing the off”. He also wins the Pratt Award.
*
Bob Willis wins the Ludicrous Simile Award for his pronouncement in the Canada game: “New Zealand are losing wickets like confetti falling at a wedding”.
*
The Lunatic Award goes to the Red Mist specialist, Shahid Afridi, who tried to hit every ball out of the ground. He had a poor World Cup but remains a potentially fearsome opponent and probably the scariest to bowl to.
*
Nass had so little faith in his bowler that with Pakistan at 86 for 9 he posted a long off for Craig White, who had figures of 3 for 5 at that point. It clearly encouraged the number 11, Shoaib, who slogged it twenty feet over the rope and went on to a career best 43.
*
Incidentally, it was after Pakistan had added 54 for the last wicket that Nass pronounced that he wasn’t concerned about them overhauling the England total. This explains why a few days later he failed to go in for the kill against Australia, when they were 134-8 and went on to win. Nass retains the Dingbat Award.
Report from South Africa
Alan “Flipper” Seal, a fifty something who still terrorises batsmen in the Birmingham League, visited the World Cup in February and sent us this report
Good morning all, I only wish that I were reporting this directly from South Africa. You can of course all pool together and send me back if you feel I report the cricket better than Aggers!
One of my concerns whilst out there was England’s complete lack of organisation and ability to make up their minds whether to play in Zimbabwe. Nasser was so hand tied he could not call the shots and the cricket establishment hadn't a clue as to what to do and so therefore, as usual, did nothing. I asked the opinion of several locals and this varied from agreeing with England in not playing and therefore not supporting Mugabe, to what gutless people we are. This chap was promptly given a good smacking.
One couple I met whilst on a sunset cruise had lost everything in Zimbabwe and this truly brought home to me what a dictator Mugabe is. They also confirmed that he practises genocide on his own people. Andy Flower expressed his concerns by wearing a black armband and I can only fear for his safety a few months down the road. My own thoughts are that the people of Zimbabwe are very poor and the cricket played over there would have brought some extra funds into the country. To hell with Mugabe and politics, cricket and other sports should come outside these boundaries.
On many occasions I sat in the Sports Bar on the Waterfront drinking cold Amstal and eating excellent Calamari whilst watching the cricket. I do feel there were some very one-sided matches that did nothing to enhance the game. Perhaps the minor countries should play a series of knockout games prior to the World Cup and the strongest two teams from these games then compete against the major cricketing countries in the competition proper. This would cut down on the length of the competition and make each game more competitive.
I met a lot of the Barmy Army out there and they could honestly beat any country if the National game was drinking. What a great bunch of people and never a bit of trouble, except when you tried to get to the bar! Great cricket, great weather, great people, great country.
Predictions and Solutions Before the World Cup started George asked The Professor and me to make various predictions. He cleaned up on the batting by selecting Tendulkar, whilst the Professor and I had Gilchrist and Hayden respectively. He went for McGrath whilst the Professor and I both went for Pollock in the bowling department. So what about the final? The Professor and I both predicted that Australia would beat South Africa, whilst Smarty Pants said South Africa would beat India.
At the beginning of the final week of the World Cup I asked George and the Professor whether either of them had any views or thoughts about the semi finals: ‘Are we all expecting Australia to beat India next Sunday?’ George responded: “I suspect we should all keep away from the bookies; especially if Vass takes a few more wickets”. As usual, the Professor’s views were less pecuniary and more penetrating:
I think it would be excellent for cricket if India (or Sri Lanka for that
matter) were to win because I think the "sub-continent" is where it’s at as far as cricket is concerned. It would probably be good for cricket in this country too, given the interest in the Asian British community. What we really need is for that interest to be converted into opportunity that the racists on county committees have so far succeeded in limiting. Of course the fatuous decision of the ECB to sell the TV rights to Sky has also successfully limited the coverage and thus appeal to youngsters. The decision, of course, was based on the respective amounts of money offered; but since, as you know, I think that much of the money given to counties and minor counties is wasted (at least so far as the quality of the national side is concerned) it is a particularly crass one. Notwithstanding all of the above, if I had to bet, it would be on Australia.
What on earth is he talking about? It seems that some of the terminology in this august journal is proving too parochial for some recipients. I am, therefore, providing a lexicon of cricketing cockney rhyming slang to aid those north of Watford or south of Crawley:
Mumsies-mums and dads-pads: as in “ Its time to don the mumsies”
Tom Mix – six: as in “ Stubbs just hit a Tom”
Tomtit - shit: as in “Stubbs just had a tom”
Continental Drift - lift: as in “Have you got a Continental to Brondesbury”
Top hat-bat: as in “My toppers cracked”
Stafford Cripps – slips: as in “I was caught in the Staffords”
Fish’n chips- slips: as in “The fishes are a long way back”
Levi jeans-sightscreens: as in “You’ll have to move the Levis”
Chicken Pox-socks: as in “Your chicks don’t ‘alf pong!”
Duke of Spain-rain: as in “I think the Duke is about”
Partridge shoot-boot: as in “My partridges have got no studs”
Alf Gover-over: as in “How many Alfs are there to go?”
Tropical birds-thirds: as in “I’m playing in the Tropics this weekend”
Rocking chair-square: as in “I couldn’t hit it off the rocker”
If you are aware of any more or would like to make some up, email them to me. A Tony Greig audiotape will be amongst the many prizes on offer.
George’s Favourite Umpire
George only played the odd game of cricket after leaving school but, nevertheless, had forged by that time one of those relationships that most bowlers only dream about.
In his early years George bowled medium paced left arm in swingers, or as Playfair would have it LAMP. As he reached puberty he found it easier to bowl slow left arm, but quickly realised that spinning the ball was too much like hard work and so mainly bowled arm balls.
In the mid-sixties he played for South Hampstead 2nd XI under the lantern jawed captaincy of Colin Newcombe. The regular umpire for this side was Tubby Peach who would officiate from the Sidmouth Road end. At about 5.30pm George would mark out his run and start to wheel away with his arm balls. The batsmen would play for the spin and George would rap their pads.
Tubby had been on his feet all afternoon and would be looking forward to his first scotch of the day. As the overs passed by Tubby’s finger would go up more regularly and soon the game would be over.
This arrangement suited everybody - Colin Newcombe got his win, Tubby got his snifter by 7 o’clock and George never got a sore spinning finger.
Duckworth Lewis I find it fundamentally daft that under the Duckworth Lewis method the side batting second can be required to score more runs to win a game than the side batting first scored, particularly in less overs than the first side enjoyed! Nevertheless, this is one of the zany outcomes of applying this flawed algebra.
In order to make some sense of this, George and I have spent many hours studying the Duckworth Lewis method this winter so that we can explain its intricacies and answer your questions. We are particularly surprised at how limited its application has been when it is, in fact, designed to be applied to all aspects of the game.
For example: Jim Sharp batted over two hours for a tedious 23, but under the D/L method he made a fluent 57 not out – well played Jim! Graham Sharp took some terrible stick claiming 1 for 60 in only 9 overs, but under the D/L method finished with a creditable 4 for 40-well bowled George!
Everyone expected Adams with 73 to be Man of the Match but in fact the award went to Jordan who did not bat, but would have made 84 under the D/L method!
In can also be applied to other walks of life. George had his fifty-third birthday in February but under the D/L method he is, in fact, only 39. He tells me that he can get from Chester to Gatwick in three hours, but if he has a bad start the D/L method can increase this to ten or eleven hours. If you have a good start you can complete the second half of the journey in just three or four minutes but you only have two gallons of petrol to do it with.
It has even been suggested that George W Bush only got elected because the Republicans applied the D/L method.
Geoff Cleaver
A by-product of corresponding on the pointless SCD 1st XI captains exercise has been that other non-captaining players have been discussed, such as Geoff Cleaver. The Professor suggested that Geoff probably played in the same side as Dave Richardson (yes him!) and John Jackson (yes him!), about 1962, and he went on to identify Geoff as a good example of a "type" in cricket. He scored a lot of runs in his last year at school but had very little natural ability. He had worked out, at an early age, what he could and couldn't do and stuck to the former. The Professor recalled him getting 50 in a cricket week game; when he opened the batting and was 18 not out at lunch.
I responded to this as follows:
Cleaver was interesting in a number of ways:
Quite right - its absurd, and it could get worse. In baseball many of the players paint thick black strips below their eyes to stop the reflection from their cheeks blinding them, which sounds like a Keeganesque excuse. How long before some halfwit implements this in cricket and combines it with the zinc cream, to boot. We don’t see most of these guys as serious sportsmen to start with and this could kill-off any dwindling credibility they may retain.
Sid Phillips
I never did play for Peter Huntley’s Willesden Thursday but I did once turn out for Jim Franklin’s North Middlesex side that also played on that day.
In typical fashion I ground out another meaningless fifty against indifferent opposition (I found it much too difficult at the weekend) and found, to my surprise, that I might turn it into a century before declaration time. At the fall of the fifth wicket I was joined at the crease by a diminutive bald man of about sixty who turned out to be the clarinettist and bandleader, Sid Phillips.
Over the next twenty minutes he proved considerably more adept at keeping the strike than he ever did at entertaining the crowds during Workers Play Time on the radio. In the end even Jim Franklin lost patience with us and declared. So I never did get to score a hundred for a Thursday side.
Balls
It has always been my understanding, from those who know about these things, that Kookaburra balls swing all over the place. At least the red ones do. Why not the white ones, other than at twilight in South African coastal towns?
Here’s one for the scientists amongst us - explain why white is a non-swinging colour.
And for those who like a riddle - is it possible to reverse swing a ball that doesn’t swing in the first place?
Strange Elevens Most of the Namibian side were called Burger and so here is a Jazz Hat side to take them on. No prize for guessing the common denominator this time:
MJ Smith-Middlesex
C.Smith – Hants
MJK Smith-Warwicks
R.Smith – Hants
O.G. Smith-West Indies
D.M. Smith – Surrey & Worcs
NMK Smith-Warwicks
G.J. Smith-Notts
P.A Smith-Warwicks
N.Smith-Essex
A.M. Smith-Gloucs
David Banks noted that he believed that my side of Middlesex left handers all bowled right handed. The Great Jack Morgan is even more specific in that he points out that Kevan James bowled left arm, but could, in fact, also bowl with his right. He also threw right-handed from the outfield (I knew it would get like this once JSM got involved!). David is embarking on the painstaking research for a reciprocal Middlesex XI comprising right handers who bowl left arm, viz Ted Clark, Colin Drybrough, Phillipe Edmunds etc. He will be unavailable for social engagements until further notice.
Did you miss the earlier editions?
I will be pleased to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, all about Tour Madness, personal nostalgia, bigoted views and other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 4
April 2003 The Rolling Stones
Until David Banks’ email arrived I thought I was the only one enjoying the Strange Elevens but again that could be true of this whole enterprise. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about unusually named sides that I have played for. These included Middlesex Club & Ground, The Gentlemen of Berkshire, Colonel Garrard’s XI, Gonville & Caius College and even the Old Uffingtonians in a six-a-side competition.
However, the most exotic of the lot was one organised and captained by George who in 1968 was Team Secretary for the South Hampstead Wednesday XI, captained at the time by Peter Huntley. To fill a gap in the fixture list George agreed to raise a side and in a blatant attempt to irritate the shit out of the club’s hierarchy, called his team the Rolling Stones, which duly appeared in the club’s fixture list.
So who played for the Rolling Stones on that unique occasion? I would love to report that Mick and Keith turned out but I can only remember Bill Groombridge, the Old Danes 2nd XI centre half who made a rare appearances in whites, and Gary Black from Shepherds Bush who opened the bowling, before rain brought proceedings to a premature halt.
Gary Rhoades will be elated to hear that his idol, the Great Jack Morgan, has been contacted through the good offices of Frank Foreman. The next edition will be packed with news of his latest eccentricities and idiosyncrasies, together with a downloadable video of his greatest innings. The latter will, understandably, be very short.
As promised, in this edition is the eagerly anticipated explanation of the Duckworth Lewis method, but before that it seems appropriate to make our very own World Cup Awards.
World Cup Matters & Awards The ghastly Tony Greig is now shaped like a wigwam, which is almost as disturbing as his awful Afrikaans accent. He has no idea who any of the current players are and so never refers to any of them by name. He would like to curry favour by being partisan but can never remember which nation he wants to be allied to in line with his latest mercenary exploits. Yes, he’s a real charmer and gets the Ass Hole award.
*
The Pakistani Podge, Inzaman ul Haq, is one of the top batsmen in the world by any criteria. Therefore, his failure to reach double figures in six attempts requires some explanation, which we are pleased to provide. Like Samson, he lost his miraculous powers when he shed part of himself, which in his case was about 75 pounds prior to the competition. Go and have lunch with Gatting, Inzy, you will feel better and who knows you may recover your touch.
*
The Tom Mix award goes to John Davison who cleared the stand and landed one halfway across the practise pitch in Benoni.
*
Jamie, Jimmy, James Anderson soon found out that at international level you get slapped on the back when things are going well (v. Pakistan) but slapped on the bum when you get stick (v. India). Would you be encouraged by a tap on the backside from Andy Caddick? *
I found my spinning finger itching whenever J.P.Burger of Namibia marked out his run. He made my innocuous leg spinners look zippy and full of menace. He is the bowler I would take to the Desert Island.
*
Many excuses have been put forward for England’s failure to qualify for the Super Sixes. Indeed there are enough to fill a Kevin Keegan video. However, the real reason is that England’s first four-Knight, Trescothick, Vaughan & Hussain (or Flintoff or Stewart) scored only 442 in five attempts, or an average of 88 per game. Even the Dutch did better than this…
*
The most inelegant sight of the World Cup (admittedly after the Ghastly Greig’s overall appearance) was the sagging belly of the English Umpire, David Shepherd, which protruded over his trousers in classic Chicago waistline style. He has now given up trying to stand on one leg when Nelson is reached because he just collapses in a heap.
*
Carl Hooper showed more style than most when he refused to blame others for the West Indies early exit from the competition, but became the latest incident of Freeze Brain in his innings against Kenya, when after playing and missing he then strolled forward down the track and was stumped.
*
The West Indies’ latest “Brown Your Pants” fast bowler, Jermaine Lawson, adopts the Durham Sprayer’s approach to the loosener. When his first delivery in the World Cup missed the strip, Ian Botham exclaimed: “If you are standing at first slip that really wakes you up!”
*
When Darren Lehman was struck on the pads in front of the wicket against England, the Ghastly Grieg brayed, “That must be out, c’mon Umpire put your finger up. Well, lets look at the replay. It’s pitched outside the leg stump and its missing the off”. He also wins the Pratt Award.
*
Bob Willis wins the Ludicrous Simile Award for his pronouncement in the Canada game: “New Zealand are losing wickets like confetti falling at a wedding”.
*
The Lunatic Award goes to the Red Mist specialist, Shahid Afridi, who tried to hit every ball out of the ground. He had a poor World Cup but remains a potentially fearsome opponent and probably the scariest to bowl to.
*
Nass had so little faith in his bowler that with Pakistan at 86 for 9 he posted a long off for Craig White, who had figures of 3 for 5 at that point. It clearly encouraged the number 11, Shoaib, who slogged it twenty feet over the rope and went on to a career best 43.
*
Incidentally, it was after Pakistan had added 54 for the last wicket that Nass pronounced that he wasn’t concerned about them overhauling the England total. This explains why a few days later he failed to go in for the kill against Australia, when they were 134-8 and went on to win. Nass retains the Dingbat Award.
Report from South Africa
Alan “Flipper” Seal, a fifty something who still terrorises batsmen in the Birmingham League, visited the World Cup in February and sent us this report
Good morning all, I only wish that I were reporting this directly from South Africa. You can of course all pool together and send me back if you feel I report the cricket better than Aggers!
One of my concerns whilst out there was England’s complete lack of organisation and ability to make up their minds whether to play in Zimbabwe. Nasser was so hand tied he could not call the shots and the cricket establishment hadn't a clue as to what to do and so therefore, as usual, did nothing. I asked the opinion of several locals and this varied from agreeing with England in not playing and therefore not supporting Mugabe, to what gutless people we are. This chap was promptly given a good smacking.
One couple I met whilst on a sunset cruise had lost everything in Zimbabwe and this truly brought home to me what a dictator Mugabe is. They also confirmed that he practises genocide on his own people. Andy Flower expressed his concerns by wearing a black armband and I can only fear for his safety a few months down the road. My own thoughts are that the people of Zimbabwe are very poor and the cricket played over there would have brought some extra funds into the country. To hell with Mugabe and politics, cricket and other sports should come outside these boundaries.
On many occasions I sat in the Sports Bar on the Waterfront drinking cold Amstal and eating excellent Calamari whilst watching the cricket. I do feel there were some very one-sided matches that did nothing to enhance the game. Perhaps the minor countries should play a series of knockout games prior to the World Cup and the strongest two teams from these games then compete against the major cricketing countries in the competition proper. This would cut down on the length of the competition and make each game more competitive.
I met a lot of the Barmy Army out there and they could honestly beat any country if the National game was drinking. What a great bunch of people and never a bit of trouble, except when you tried to get to the bar! Great cricket, great weather, great people, great country.
Predictions and Solutions Before the World Cup started George asked The Professor and me to make various predictions. He cleaned up on the batting by selecting Tendulkar, whilst the Professor and I had Gilchrist and Hayden respectively. He went for McGrath whilst the Professor and I both went for Pollock in the bowling department. So what about the final? The Professor and I both predicted that Australia would beat South Africa, whilst Smarty Pants said South Africa would beat India.
At the beginning of the final week of the World Cup I asked George and the Professor whether either of them had any views or thoughts about the semi finals: ‘Are we all expecting Australia to beat India next Sunday?’ George responded: “I suspect we should all keep away from the bookies; especially if Vass takes a few more wickets”. As usual, the Professor’s views were less pecuniary and more penetrating:
I think it would be excellent for cricket if India (or Sri Lanka for that
matter) were to win because I think the "sub-continent" is where it’s at as far as cricket is concerned. It would probably be good for cricket in this country too, given the interest in the Asian British community. What we really need is for that interest to be converted into opportunity that the racists on county committees have so far succeeded in limiting. Of course the fatuous decision of the ECB to sell the TV rights to Sky has also successfully limited the coverage and thus appeal to youngsters. The decision, of course, was based on the respective amounts of money offered; but since, as you know, I think that much of the money given to counties and minor counties is wasted (at least so far as the quality of the national side is concerned) it is a particularly crass one. Notwithstanding all of the above, if I had to bet, it would be on Australia.
What on earth is he talking about? It seems that some of the terminology in this august journal is proving too parochial for some recipients. I am, therefore, providing a lexicon of cricketing cockney rhyming slang to aid those north of Watford or south of Crawley:
Mumsies-mums and dads-pads: as in “ Its time to don the mumsies”
Tom Mix – six: as in “ Stubbs just hit a Tom”
Tomtit - shit: as in “Stubbs just had a tom”
Continental Drift - lift: as in “Have you got a Continental to Brondesbury”
Top hat-bat: as in “My toppers cracked”
Stafford Cripps – slips: as in “I was caught in the Staffords”
Fish’n chips- slips: as in “The fishes are a long way back”
Levi jeans-sightscreens: as in “You’ll have to move the Levis”
Chicken Pox-socks: as in “Your chicks don’t ‘alf pong!”
Duke of Spain-rain: as in “I think the Duke is about”
Partridge shoot-boot: as in “My partridges have got no studs”
Alf Gover-over: as in “How many Alfs are there to go?”
Tropical birds-thirds: as in “I’m playing in the Tropics this weekend”
Rocking chair-square: as in “I couldn’t hit it off the rocker”
If you are aware of any more or would like to make some up, email them to me. A Tony Greig audiotape will be amongst the many prizes on offer.
George’s Favourite Umpire
George only played the odd game of cricket after leaving school but, nevertheless, had forged by that time one of those relationships that most bowlers only dream about.
In his early years George bowled medium paced left arm in swingers, or as Playfair would have it LAMP. As he reached puberty he found it easier to bowl slow left arm, but quickly realised that spinning the ball was too much like hard work and so mainly bowled arm balls.
In the mid-sixties he played for South Hampstead 2nd XI under the lantern jawed captaincy of Colin Newcombe. The regular umpire for this side was Tubby Peach who would officiate from the Sidmouth Road end. At about 5.30pm George would mark out his run and start to wheel away with his arm balls. The batsmen would play for the spin and George would rap their pads.
Tubby had been on his feet all afternoon and would be looking forward to his first scotch of the day. As the overs passed by Tubby’s finger would go up more regularly and soon the game would be over.
This arrangement suited everybody - Colin Newcombe got his win, Tubby got his snifter by 7 o’clock and George never got a sore spinning finger.
Duckworth Lewis I find it fundamentally daft that under the Duckworth Lewis method the side batting second can be required to score more runs to win a game than the side batting first scored, particularly in less overs than the first side enjoyed! Nevertheless, this is one of the zany outcomes of applying this flawed algebra.
In order to make some sense of this, George and I have spent many hours studying the Duckworth Lewis method this winter so that we can explain its intricacies and answer your questions. We are particularly surprised at how limited its application has been when it is, in fact, designed to be applied to all aspects of the game.
For example: Jim Sharp batted over two hours for a tedious 23, but under the D/L method he made a fluent 57 not out – well played Jim! Graham Sharp took some terrible stick claiming 1 for 60 in only 9 overs, but under the D/L method finished with a creditable 4 for 40-well bowled George!
Everyone expected Adams with 73 to be Man of the Match but in fact the award went to Jordan who did not bat, but would have made 84 under the D/L method!
In can also be applied to other walks of life. George had his fifty-third birthday in February but under the D/L method he is, in fact, only 39. He tells me that he can get from Chester to Gatwick in three hours, but if he has a bad start the D/L method can increase this to ten or eleven hours. If you have a good start you can complete the second half of the journey in just three or four minutes but you only have two gallons of petrol to do it with.
It has even been suggested that George W Bush only got elected because the Republicans applied the D/L method.
Geoff Cleaver
A by-product of corresponding on the pointless SCD 1st XI captains exercise has been that other non-captaining players have been discussed, such as Geoff Cleaver. The Professor suggested that Geoff probably played in the same side as Dave Richardson (yes him!) and John Jackson (yes him!), about 1962, and he went on to identify Geoff as a good example of a "type" in cricket. He scored a lot of runs in his last year at school but had very little natural ability. He had worked out, at an early age, what he could and couldn't do and stuck to the former. The Professor recalled him getting 50 in a cricket week game; when he opened the batting and was 18 not out at lunch.
I responded to this as follows:
Cleaver was interesting in a number of ways:
- He never scored a run after leaving school
- He had less shots than the Great Jack Morgan
- He was blind
- He was the funniest after dinner speaker I ever heard
- His brother, Bob, played for South Hampstead
Quite right - its absurd, and it could get worse. In baseball many of the players paint thick black strips below their eyes to stop the reflection from their cheeks blinding them, which sounds like a Keeganesque excuse. How long before some halfwit implements this in cricket and combines it with the zinc cream, to boot. We don’t see most of these guys as serious sportsmen to start with and this could kill-off any dwindling credibility they may retain.
Sid Phillips
I never did play for Peter Huntley’s Willesden Thursday but I did once turn out for Jim Franklin’s North Middlesex side that also played on that day.
In typical fashion I ground out another meaningless fifty against indifferent opposition (I found it much too difficult at the weekend) and found, to my surprise, that I might turn it into a century before declaration time. At the fall of the fifth wicket I was joined at the crease by a diminutive bald man of about sixty who turned out to be the clarinettist and bandleader, Sid Phillips.
Over the next twenty minutes he proved considerably more adept at keeping the strike than he ever did at entertaining the crowds during Workers Play Time on the radio. In the end even Jim Franklin lost patience with us and declared. So I never did get to score a hundred for a Thursday side.
Balls
It has always been my understanding, from those who know about these things, that Kookaburra balls swing all over the place. At least the red ones do. Why not the white ones, other than at twilight in South African coastal towns?
Here’s one for the scientists amongst us - explain why white is a non-swinging colour.
And for those who like a riddle - is it possible to reverse swing a ball that doesn’t swing in the first place?
Strange Elevens Most of the Namibian side were called Burger and so here is a Jazz Hat side to take them on. No prize for guessing the common denominator this time:
MJ Smith-Middlesex
C.Smith – Hants
MJK Smith-Warwicks
R.Smith – Hants
O.G. Smith-West Indies
D.M. Smith – Surrey & Worcs
NMK Smith-Warwicks
G.J. Smith-Notts
P.A Smith-Warwicks
N.Smith-Essex
A.M. Smith-Gloucs
David Banks noted that he believed that my side of Middlesex left handers all bowled right handed. The Great Jack Morgan is even more specific in that he points out that Kevan James bowled left arm, but could, in fact, also bowl with his right. He also threw right-handed from the outfield (I knew it would get like this once JSM got involved!). David is embarking on the painstaking research for a reciprocal Middlesex XI comprising right handers who bowl left arm, viz Ted Clark, Colin Drybrough, Phillipe Edmunds etc. He will be unavailable for social engagements until further notice.
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