GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 10
October 2003 Mikey the Australian
My trip to London at the beginning of September went extremely well. I kicked off with an excellent lunch on Friday with Brian Edwards and Eric Tracey who had both started at Touche Ross on the same day as me thirty years ago. Eric, who is a Kiwi, started playing cricket about the time that most of us retired from the game and he continues to play for his village team in Wiltshire. He also takes an International All Stars XI to play against them for an annual bash.
On Saturday, after I had seen my Mum off on one of her cruises, I met up with the Great Jack Morgan in the Goldsmiths. In fact, Gary Rhoades was the first to arrive and he had traveled down from Tyneside for the occasion. His brother also made an appearance and then the Professor strode in having taken a break in the lunch interval from WGCCC’s last and critical game of the season. Piss taking commenced, a light lunch was consumed, the Great Jack Morgan corrected us all on a variety of matters, the Professor excused himself and left, and we wandered over the road to the Bush’s ground.
The pavilion was boarded up and it looked very sorry for itself, but the ground looked in good condition and the square looked as good as any of us could remember. We were immediately greeted by Gwen and Bob Cozens and soon thereafter by Jim Revier and Luncheon Vouchers himself, Laurie Valentine. I should point out that identification was made easy since we were the only spectators on the ground.
Dave Perrin, it turns out, is not too familiar with the Bush’s fixture list and the match in progress on the ground turned out to be a 2nd XI encounter with Hornsey. On our arrival the Bush were about 100 for 2 and one of the batsmen looked in good form. He played some good shots and in due course was clapped for reaching three figures. He then laid into a wilting attack and, in particular, took advantage of the short straight boundaries. In what seemed like forty-five minutes, Mikey the Australian had reached his double century and the Bush declared at over 300 for 4.
On Sunday, whilst Freddie was creating carnage at the Oval, I couldn’t resist a nostalgic trip down Du Cane Road on my way over to South Hampstead. The old school is still standing but is derelict and the Latymer playing field, including the tennis courts and pavilion, have been dug up although there is no indication that it is going to be built on.
At Milverton Road, the wicket looked as good as ever and the outfield wasn’t bad at all in spite of the dryness. The pavilion showed some signs of deferred maintenance and the scorebox is now located alongside it. What about the Cannons Sports Complex on the site of the old Bowls Green? I didn’t think that it looked too bad- a small price to pay for financial rescue and future fiscal security. Some trees could be planted in front of it and, of course, future generations won’t know the ground without it.
But where was everyone? Back in the seventies the Sunday lunchtime crowd had the place heaving by noon, but apart from some early opposition arrivals I was the only one there. In due course Ken James arrived and unlocked the pavilion. It seems that in addition to on-going duties as Club and Team Secretary, Ken now also acts as Ground Manager, Janitor, General Key Holder and Tea Maker.
Bob Peach arrived in a matching pink shirt and trouser combination that was so shocking that it took a while for me to recognize him. We were joined by Ian MacIntosh and his Dad, David, who can always be relied upon to recall a catch I took at the Bush back in the sixties. Technically we were the only spectators at the game but since we stayed in the bar to progress matters at the Oval, it has to be said that for the second day running no-one had come to see the game.
I stayed longer than I had intended and Ken James kindly lent me a stack of scorebooks covering the sixties and seventies. It was great to see everyone who made the effort to meet up over the weekend and no doubt some of the stories will emerge in these pages over the coming issues.
Indeed the only thing I wasn’t re-united with on this trip was my wallet, which I had been relieved of in the Marylebone High Street on Friday afternoon.
The Season- September
The performance at the Oval was praiseworthy and it’s hard to criticise a decisive win. However, it was a good wicket which did not require “gutsing it out” type batting and there was no serious spin to have to deal with. Incidentally, everyone I heard from including the commentators and those in attendance at South Hampstead thought England should have declared on the Saturday night. I would suggest that they would not have won if they had done so and might well have lost. It seems that nobody understands Test cricket anymore. There's loads of time and you maneuver to get on top and stay there - you don't take unnecessary gambles along the way, there's no need to. Even if Freddy had only got 30 on Sunday a small lead would have been better than declaring short.
*
It would be good if some confidence is taken forward but Bangladesh and Sri Lanka are going to be something else. I don't know what the wickets are like in Bangladesh but I bet we all know the name of some new spinner by Christmas. As for Sri Lanka, Murali is going to bowl 35 overs each innings if they last that long and he gets at least 5 wickets in these, for him, warm-up spells. Therefore, England is going to have to score very quickly at the other end if 300 is going to be reached. Presumably they will have watched the tapes of Lara playing him in the spring - it wasn't pretty and he is the best in the World.
*
The England wicket-keeping situation is dire. Stewarty, as they used to call him at the Oval, looked awful this summer whenever he had to do any real keeping, i.e. standing up. The Great Jack Morgan is able to report first hand on Chris Read and Geraint Jones who he describes as average and amateur respectively. These two have had the opportunity to keep to MacGill and Murali and so should have been better prepared. Oh, for a real specialist in this critical position, especially on two tours of the sub continent. Some are fans of Jack Russell but Bob Taylor is easily the best that I have seen.
*
Hawkeye
Simon Hutchinson is one of our younger readers who plays for Smarden in Kent. He sent me this unlikely snippet
At the end of August, Smarden CC was taking on Little Chart CC in a 'friendly' end of season inter-village game. But this turned out to be no ordinary game since for the first time in history outside the first class game, Hawkeye was present. Yes the Hawkeye, designed to humiliate Umpires the world over. Fresh from the C & G One Day Final, the equipment was set up on the village green to find out whether it could be used at smaller venues as well as in large arenas. Smarden got to use the equipment because Hawkeye's inventor lives in the village and he had been persuaded by a few pints of the local brew to give it an outing.
We all found the day to be a great hoot with village umpiring decisions being tested for the first time. It turns out that most of the lbw appeals were actually out after all. One of the biggest events of the day though was the speed gun element of Hawkeye. Myself being a Brett Lee type, I thought that I might be able to nudge the 80mph mark with a quick bouncer. Even with the loudest of Monica Seles grunts when delivering, I couldn't break the 70mph barrier! Just goes to prove that Hawkeye doesn't work properly on the small stage!
However, there is no substitute for line and length in village cricket as my slow medium pace, as it will be known from now on, yielded 4-10 from 7 overs.
There’s no substitute for line and length in any cricket- but this is a well-kept secret from the England dressing room
Behind the Sightscreen
My Dad was not a cricket club sort of man. He followed and supported my cricket activities, but after the game would prefer to go home to watch Benny Hill or Morecombe & Wise than stay in the bar drinking. However, whilst I was school he was prominent in the Parents Association and with Audrey King he wrote and produced a number of revues. Bob Peach got to hear about these through his uncle and aunt (Steve Thompson’s mum and dad) and he encouraged Eric to write a revue for South Hampstead.
Eric was not part of the in-joke scene at the club and was extremely reluctant to do this. I can remember Bob coming to Longstone Avenue and we went through a pile of previous material and the prospect of a successful outcome seemed very thin. However, Eric used Islington Borough Council’s time well and wrote a series of brilliant musical parodies that were performed in February 1974 as “Behind the Sightscreen”.
Bob Cozens, who has never been described as shy, led the performers on stage and set a standard that enabled others to perform above expectation. We were fortunate in that various members totally unfamiliar with this medium emerged to support and perform this revue: June Baker, Joyce Mitchell, Allen Bruton, Chris Drury, Maggie Morse, Gwen Cozens, Nigel Biggs, Jim Franklin, Alan Robertson, Don Blake and the Australian, Colin Price.
The show performed on only one night to a packed audience of over one hundred, who gave it a rapturous reception. After this success Dad felt an acceptance at the club that he had never previously experienced. He died later that year in August 1974.
The brilliance of his lyricism can be appreciated by his parody of the song, Burlington Bertie, which he re-titled “The Tea Ladies Song” and which was performed on the night by Joyce Mitchell, June Baker and Gwen Cozens:
We’re Pearl, Win and Gertie
At roughly four thirty
We serve all the food they can scoff
They’re bloody off hand, wholly mannerless and
Should appropriately drink from a trough
The biggest disgrace is the colourful traces of food down their shirts
Caused by missing their faces
We’re hurt, hurt and Pearl, Win and Gert
If they don’t want us here we can go
For us its no quandary, we’ll transfer to Brondesbury
From Pearl, Win and Gertie Cheero
Project Salvation
There are simpler steps than restructuring the County Championship to help us develop better English players
Much has been made of the role of the official overseas players (OOP) and those playing under passports of convenience (POC) in the County Championship this summer. There were 55 OOPs and 29 POCs that totaled 84 out of 379 players or 22%. But, of course, this doesn’t tell the whole story since these guys dominated the games they played in. Once you eliminate the tourists nine of the top twelve in the batting averages came into this category, as did three of the top five bowlers.
It seems that the counties will agree to reduce the OOPs to one per county for 2005 but the POC situation is more complex since it revolves around European employment law. Unless each county sets its own hidden agenda that restricts or eliminates these players from its staff we are likely to see an increase not a reduction in these players.
My guess is that next season we will be having the same discussion with fewer and fewer English guys featuring in the County game.
Morgan the Bowler
A question I am frequently asked, even today, is “Why did the Great Jack Morgan bowl so rarely when he wasn’t the skipper of the side?” The temptation is to refer the questioner to the great man’s autobiography “Confessions of an Unfulfilled All-Rounder”, but sadly this extensive source, all 758 pages, nevertheless doesn’t provide us with the full answer.
The Great Jack Morgan may have been the most versatile bowler I ever played with. In G&C 9 we described his hat-trick achieved at the age of eleven bowled in the Tommy Greenhough style of leg-breaks. By the next season he had changed to off-spin and under his own wise captaincy returned figures off 7 for 2 against a bemused St Nicholas Under 12s side. This was really the Golden Era of Morgan the Bowler for whilst captaining the school through Under 12, 13 &14 seasons he would slip into the attack on his whim and utilize his amazing range of styles to return some extraordinary analyses. In 1961, in a style he called “pace, bounce and cut”, he slipped in with 6 for 7 and 4 for 4 against powerful Henry Thornton and William Ellis sides respectively.
By 1963 he had reverted to off-spin and took 5 for 6 for the School 2nd XI against Sir Walter St John. In between these various right arm styles he also perfected a run up for left arm fast bowling but, although I do recall him marking it out in a first eleven match to the bemusement of everyone present, I cannot recall him actually being given the ball to bowl. However, in a six-a-side match he did purvey a form of slow left arm bowled from around the wicket.
It was in 1963 that he had his “Sobers” match (see Confessions pages 352-471, 503 and 750-6) playing for the Bush 3rd XI against Horseferry. “ I opened the bowling with the new ball and took three wickets with quick in-swingers. I came back into the attack later and took another two wickets with off-spin. I topped it off by getting 40 odd at number three as Peter Bunker and I knocked off the runs.” One can only feel sorry for the opposition faced with such an array of talent harnessed by just one individual.
The Bush 3rd XI proved a happy hunting ground for the blond off spinner who also routed Impax with a dazzling 4 for 3 in 1964. However, it also heralded the beginning of the end because there were some men with big bats who thought that off spin “rolled not spun” was just their cup of tea. At South Hampstead, Ron Impey thought all his birthdays had come at once and repeatedly hit our hero into Milverton Road. Sadly this was not an isolated incident, referring back to the “Confessions”: “Probably the worst stick I ever took was at the Poly in a 3rd XI game in 1963. In the Impey hammering, at least the bloke at the other end was treating me with relative respect, but at the Poly, both of them were totally unmerciful. I took a wicket with my first ball, which was a big mistake as it brought in their fiercest hitter and I think my figures ended up 6-0-54-1. After the first ball, I don’t think I bowled another dot ball, but we soon had the field so well spread that they were only getting ones and twos for their ferocious hits rather than the fours they probably deserved. It could have been a lot worse. Impey hit me harder and higher but, fortunately, he couldn’t always get the strike”.
There was just one final outstanding performance by Morgan the Bowler that strangely occurred when I employed his services against Chiswick County in 1966 and he returned the exceptional figures of 5 for 6 with off spinners. For reasons that I cannot now recall he persuaded me to let him spend the rest of that season resting on his laurels.
The final word comes from the man himself from “Confessions”: “My bowling came to be used less and less as I won my place as a batsman in teams of a higher standard. The higher team would already have its own spin bowlers in place and an inferior off-spinner was not going to get much of a chance. I did actually bowl a bit at Sheffield and not only when I skippered the 2nd XI; but I was only an occasional deputy for the regular spinners. I decided that I didn’t like being an occasional bowler. It seemed unreasonable to me to be suddenly thrown the ball with a casual “Here you are Jack. I know you haven’t bowled for months, but if you could just drop it straight on a length and get us five wickets in the next ten minutes, that would be handy!” So having rejected the occasional bowler option, I became a total non-bowler and never bowled again after 1968”.
Sadly “Confessions” is now out of print and so you won’t be able to obtain copies of this fascinating read so popular with insomniacs. The statistical appendices are still available, though, in a three-volume set from the Stuart Press
Bad News
Here are ten things that you don’t want to hear from the outgoing batsman as you pass him on your way to the wicket:
In memoriam
Ken Fletcher died during the summer. He succeeded Herbert Wallach as President of South Hampstead in the seventies and still acted in that capacity at the time of his death. It is believed that his association with the club extended over sixty years. Perhaps one of the Old Uffs would like to pen an obituary?
Geoff Wright died unexpectedly in August. Bill Groombridge received this news from Geoff’s widow, Eileen. If you would like any further information Bill may be able to help you.
Old Uffingtonians
Some of you will be asking yourselves “Who the hell are the Old Uffingtonians?” Well, I am only too happy to put you out of your misery with the information that they are the old boys from Willesden County Grammar School, located in Uffington Road.
Some might think that Ken James is the most famous Old Uff, but in cricketing circles more will probably be familiar with the England duo of Chris Lewis and Phil de Freitas.
Does Ken James get this illustrious pair to turn out for the South Hampstead Wednesday XI? Apparently not, but last season, I am informed, a certain Desmond Haynes, not of this parish, opened the batting against unsuspecting opponents.
In swinging off-cutters ?
We all knew that Arthur Gates’ demon ball could not really have been an “in swinging off cutter”. It would have had to be propelled in the direction of gully to eventually hit the stumps. Gary Rhoades has now eaten humble pie and would like all readers to know that it was in fact a booming in-swinging leg-cutter. Yep, that sounds more like a virtually unplayable ball.
Not good enough for this club
My reception committee at South Hampstead in September obviously thought that I was on the look out for copy for this illustrious organ. It wasn’t long before Ken James was reminded that he had turned away Alan Border in the seventies because “This club has too many Aussies already, thank you”. The riposte to Bob Peach was instant and reminded him that he had rejected Mike Gatting for being a thirteen-year-old podge. Shades of pots and kettles, me thinks.
Can any other club claim to have rejected two players who were to go on to become international captains?
Match Report- Number 3
In May 1980 George and I went with his mate, Mike Deeming, to the second Prudential One-Day international at Lords between England and the West Indies. England had lost the first match two days earlier at Headingley.
Ian Botham won the toss and elected to field. We had catered for the event on the grand scale and by the time Bob Willis and John Lever had completed their opening spells we were toasting each other and the occasion with our aperitifs. My tipple was Martini Rosso in a half-pint glass whilst the ICI boys preferred olives and chilled Chablis.
Gordon Greenidge and Desmond Haynes added 86 for the first wicket but both then fell to Vic Marks’ off spin. Ian Botham went for 71 in his 11 overs but Chris Old, Peter Willey and Marks were all economical. Alvin Kallicharan looked menacing but Bob Willis caught him above his head at mid-off, off a screamer that no one else could have reached. Strangely Viv Richards got bogged down and spent more than 20 overs scoring 26.
By the time the lunch interval arrived we were well into some decent claret to accompany the foie gras, Grosvenor pie and truffles. Collis King and Andy Roberts ensured that the tail wagged, but nevertheless the final total was what, we considered, was a gettable 235. We pondered on this over a bottle of vintage port.
England’s first three nominated batsmen were a rum bunch - Peter Willey, Geoff Boycott and Chris Tavare - not exactly your Twenty20 guys. However, amidst mounting excitement the opening partnership extended to 135 and the teatime bottles of Grand Cru Burgundy were opened a little early. Michael Holding, Andy Roberts and Malcolm Marshall then engineered a collapse, removing the first three plus Graham Gooch and David Gower, which reduced England to 178 for 5.
To keep withdrawal symptoms at bay and to steel ourselves for the climax of the match we had a few beers after tea and got in a couple of six-packs for the final overs. Botham was still there and he found a doughty partner in Marks. Botham announced himself by driving Andy Roberts three times through the covers for four and his perennial battle with Joel Garner was won when he hoisted a low full toss into the Mound Stand. After Marks was dismissed, David Bairstow didn’t last long, but John Lever was still at the crease when Botham hit the winning runs.
We then drove home. But then you did in those days.
Girlfriends
It seems appropriate to devote at least a few column inches to the females who have played, and in some cases continue to play so important a part in the rich tapestry that makes up our cricketing careers. I, therefore, invite readers to supply details of their own or other’s girlfriends from over the years. These may be from the entire spectrum of relationships from the casual one night stand to the betrothed variety.
Some of you will be chaffing at the bit to find out what exactly did happen when Roy Phipps found himself in the back of Don Wallis’ Ford Anglia and who else was with him; whilst the West Londoners will be more interested in what or who Minor and Jukes got up to on the Bush outfield and what, if anything, Rent-a-Tent had to do with it. We may be able to get to the bottom of the mystery surrounding the unexpected popularity of Colin Newcombe’s girlfriend, Pauline the scorer, in the mid sixties. Some may be content to be reminded what Bob Harvey’s girlfriend was called and if, indeed, she was the sister of Glenys Smith, one of the Bush Belles.
It is, of course, essential that this topic is handled in the best possible taste and that nothing inappropriate is referred to. Since I trust that all readers are gentlemen I am confident that we can progress this possibly delicate topic without any risk of abuse or offence.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 9 The ECB have now conspired with the sponsors of the test series, npower, to turn test matches into a ridiculous circus. For some years at test matches there has been the odd person wearing a green Afro wig or a Queen Elizabeth rubber mask. Whilst pointless and out of place this was relatively harmless and I always assumed that the individuals went home at the close of play to bread and water and the comfort of a straightjacket.
However, the prats from npower with the encouragement of the ECB have now decreed that the Saturday of the test match is an official dressing up day and those attending are actively encouraged to arrive in the most outlandish gear they can locate. At Edgbaston there were twenty-one Dickie Birds acting in unison amongst other imitators. By the time we got to Headingley a large proportion of the crowd were in fancy dress. There were Cavemen, Romans, Pirates, Female Impersonators, Jimmy Saville impersonators, Elvis Impersonators, the Pope, Knights Templar and even a four man Hippo.
What sort of event do npower and these paying customers think that a test match is? Even if it can be put down as harmless fun, it can only act as a distraction from the main event. When you next pay £35 for a ticket to a test match beware, you may find yourself sitting behind a row of undertakers wearing stove pipe hats in which case you won’t get to see any of the cricket at all.
Strange Elevens
Last months Strange Eleven comprised first class cricketers whose fathers had also played first class cricket.
The Great Jack Morgan is responsible for this month’s Jazz Hat bunch. Can you identify what unites them?
M Fleming Kent
N Smith Warwicks
P Grayson Yorks & Essex
V Wells Kent, Leics & Durham
G Humpage Warwicks
D Brown Warwicks
G Swann Northants
G Batty Yorks, Surrey & Worcs
I Austin Lancs
S Udal Hants
P Franks Notts
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. I have now bundled 1-9 together and will send to anyone who wants them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, who named him the Great Jack Morgan, all about Tour Madness, avail yourself of the definitive guide to the Duckworth Lewis method, be able to sit A-level Sport and O-level Cricket and discover other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Broad Lee House
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Tel: 01298 70237
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 10
October 2003 Mikey the Australian
My trip to London at the beginning of September went extremely well. I kicked off with an excellent lunch on Friday with Brian Edwards and Eric Tracey who had both started at Touche Ross on the same day as me thirty years ago. Eric, who is a Kiwi, started playing cricket about the time that most of us retired from the game and he continues to play for his village team in Wiltshire. He also takes an International All Stars XI to play against them for an annual bash.
On Saturday, after I had seen my Mum off on one of her cruises, I met up with the Great Jack Morgan in the Goldsmiths. In fact, Gary Rhoades was the first to arrive and he had traveled down from Tyneside for the occasion. His brother also made an appearance and then the Professor strode in having taken a break in the lunch interval from WGCCC’s last and critical game of the season. Piss taking commenced, a light lunch was consumed, the Great Jack Morgan corrected us all on a variety of matters, the Professor excused himself and left, and we wandered over the road to the Bush’s ground.
The pavilion was boarded up and it looked very sorry for itself, but the ground looked in good condition and the square looked as good as any of us could remember. We were immediately greeted by Gwen and Bob Cozens and soon thereafter by Jim Revier and Luncheon Vouchers himself, Laurie Valentine. I should point out that identification was made easy since we were the only spectators on the ground.
Dave Perrin, it turns out, is not too familiar with the Bush’s fixture list and the match in progress on the ground turned out to be a 2nd XI encounter with Hornsey. On our arrival the Bush were about 100 for 2 and one of the batsmen looked in good form. He played some good shots and in due course was clapped for reaching three figures. He then laid into a wilting attack and, in particular, took advantage of the short straight boundaries. In what seemed like forty-five minutes, Mikey the Australian had reached his double century and the Bush declared at over 300 for 4.
On Sunday, whilst Freddie was creating carnage at the Oval, I couldn’t resist a nostalgic trip down Du Cane Road on my way over to South Hampstead. The old school is still standing but is derelict and the Latymer playing field, including the tennis courts and pavilion, have been dug up although there is no indication that it is going to be built on.
At Milverton Road, the wicket looked as good as ever and the outfield wasn’t bad at all in spite of the dryness. The pavilion showed some signs of deferred maintenance and the scorebox is now located alongside it. What about the Cannons Sports Complex on the site of the old Bowls Green? I didn’t think that it looked too bad- a small price to pay for financial rescue and future fiscal security. Some trees could be planted in front of it and, of course, future generations won’t know the ground without it.
But where was everyone? Back in the seventies the Sunday lunchtime crowd had the place heaving by noon, but apart from some early opposition arrivals I was the only one there. In due course Ken James arrived and unlocked the pavilion. It seems that in addition to on-going duties as Club and Team Secretary, Ken now also acts as Ground Manager, Janitor, General Key Holder and Tea Maker.
Bob Peach arrived in a matching pink shirt and trouser combination that was so shocking that it took a while for me to recognize him. We were joined by Ian MacIntosh and his Dad, David, who can always be relied upon to recall a catch I took at the Bush back in the sixties. Technically we were the only spectators at the game but since we stayed in the bar to progress matters at the Oval, it has to be said that for the second day running no-one had come to see the game.
I stayed longer than I had intended and Ken James kindly lent me a stack of scorebooks covering the sixties and seventies. It was great to see everyone who made the effort to meet up over the weekend and no doubt some of the stories will emerge in these pages over the coming issues.
Indeed the only thing I wasn’t re-united with on this trip was my wallet, which I had been relieved of in the Marylebone High Street on Friday afternoon.
The Season- September
The performance at the Oval was praiseworthy and it’s hard to criticise a decisive win. However, it was a good wicket which did not require “gutsing it out” type batting and there was no serious spin to have to deal with. Incidentally, everyone I heard from including the commentators and those in attendance at South Hampstead thought England should have declared on the Saturday night. I would suggest that they would not have won if they had done so and might well have lost. It seems that nobody understands Test cricket anymore. There's loads of time and you maneuver to get on top and stay there - you don't take unnecessary gambles along the way, there's no need to. Even if Freddy had only got 30 on Sunday a small lead would have been better than declaring short.
*
It would be good if some confidence is taken forward but Bangladesh and Sri Lanka are going to be something else. I don't know what the wickets are like in Bangladesh but I bet we all know the name of some new spinner by Christmas. As for Sri Lanka, Murali is going to bowl 35 overs each innings if they last that long and he gets at least 5 wickets in these, for him, warm-up spells. Therefore, England is going to have to score very quickly at the other end if 300 is going to be reached. Presumably they will have watched the tapes of Lara playing him in the spring - it wasn't pretty and he is the best in the World.
*
The England wicket-keeping situation is dire. Stewarty, as they used to call him at the Oval, looked awful this summer whenever he had to do any real keeping, i.e. standing up. The Great Jack Morgan is able to report first hand on Chris Read and Geraint Jones who he describes as average and amateur respectively. These two have had the opportunity to keep to MacGill and Murali and so should have been better prepared. Oh, for a real specialist in this critical position, especially on two tours of the sub continent. Some are fans of Jack Russell but Bob Taylor is easily the best that I have seen.
*
Hawkeye
Simon Hutchinson is one of our younger readers who plays for Smarden in Kent. He sent me this unlikely snippet
At the end of August, Smarden CC was taking on Little Chart CC in a 'friendly' end of season inter-village game. But this turned out to be no ordinary game since for the first time in history outside the first class game, Hawkeye was present. Yes the Hawkeye, designed to humiliate Umpires the world over. Fresh from the C & G One Day Final, the equipment was set up on the village green to find out whether it could be used at smaller venues as well as in large arenas. Smarden got to use the equipment because Hawkeye's inventor lives in the village and he had been persuaded by a few pints of the local brew to give it an outing.
We all found the day to be a great hoot with village umpiring decisions being tested for the first time. It turns out that most of the lbw appeals were actually out after all. One of the biggest events of the day though was the speed gun element of Hawkeye. Myself being a Brett Lee type, I thought that I might be able to nudge the 80mph mark with a quick bouncer. Even with the loudest of Monica Seles grunts when delivering, I couldn't break the 70mph barrier! Just goes to prove that Hawkeye doesn't work properly on the small stage!
However, there is no substitute for line and length in village cricket as my slow medium pace, as it will be known from now on, yielded 4-10 from 7 overs.
There’s no substitute for line and length in any cricket- but this is a well-kept secret from the England dressing room
Behind the Sightscreen
My Dad was not a cricket club sort of man. He followed and supported my cricket activities, but after the game would prefer to go home to watch Benny Hill or Morecombe & Wise than stay in the bar drinking. However, whilst I was school he was prominent in the Parents Association and with Audrey King he wrote and produced a number of revues. Bob Peach got to hear about these through his uncle and aunt (Steve Thompson’s mum and dad) and he encouraged Eric to write a revue for South Hampstead.
Eric was not part of the in-joke scene at the club and was extremely reluctant to do this. I can remember Bob coming to Longstone Avenue and we went through a pile of previous material and the prospect of a successful outcome seemed very thin. However, Eric used Islington Borough Council’s time well and wrote a series of brilliant musical parodies that were performed in February 1974 as “Behind the Sightscreen”.
Bob Cozens, who has never been described as shy, led the performers on stage and set a standard that enabled others to perform above expectation. We were fortunate in that various members totally unfamiliar with this medium emerged to support and perform this revue: June Baker, Joyce Mitchell, Allen Bruton, Chris Drury, Maggie Morse, Gwen Cozens, Nigel Biggs, Jim Franklin, Alan Robertson, Don Blake and the Australian, Colin Price.
The show performed on only one night to a packed audience of over one hundred, who gave it a rapturous reception. After this success Dad felt an acceptance at the club that he had never previously experienced. He died later that year in August 1974.
The brilliance of his lyricism can be appreciated by his parody of the song, Burlington Bertie, which he re-titled “The Tea Ladies Song” and which was performed on the night by Joyce Mitchell, June Baker and Gwen Cozens:
We’re Pearl, Win and Gertie
At roughly four thirty
We serve all the food they can scoff
They’re bloody off hand, wholly mannerless and
Should appropriately drink from a trough
The biggest disgrace is the colourful traces of food down their shirts
Caused by missing their faces
We’re hurt, hurt and Pearl, Win and Gert
If they don’t want us here we can go
For us its no quandary, we’ll transfer to Brondesbury
From Pearl, Win and Gertie Cheero
Project Salvation
There are simpler steps than restructuring the County Championship to help us develop better English players
Much has been made of the role of the official overseas players (OOP) and those playing under passports of convenience (POC) in the County Championship this summer. There were 55 OOPs and 29 POCs that totaled 84 out of 379 players or 22%. But, of course, this doesn’t tell the whole story since these guys dominated the games they played in. Once you eliminate the tourists nine of the top twelve in the batting averages came into this category, as did three of the top five bowlers.
It seems that the counties will agree to reduce the OOPs to one per county for 2005 but the POC situation is more complex since it revolves around European employment law. Unless each county sets its own hidden agenda that restricts or eliminates these players from its staff we are likely to see an increase not a reduction in these players.
My guess is that next season we will be having the same discussion with fewer and fewer English guys featuring in the County game.
Morgan the Bowler
A question I am frequently asked, even today, is “Why did the Great Jack Morgan bowl so rarely when he wasn’t the skipper of the side?” The temptation is to refer the questioner to the great man’s autobiography “Confessions of an Unfulfilled All-Rounder”, but sadly this extensive source, all 758 pages, nevertheless doesn’t provide us with the full answer.
The Great Jack Morgan may have been the most versatile bowler I ever played with. In G&C 9 we described his hat-trick achieved at the age of eleven bowled in the Tommy Greenhough style of leg-breaks. By the next season he had changed to off-spin and under his own wise captaincy returned figures off 7 for 2 against a bemused St Nicholas Under 12s side. This was really the Golden Era of Morgan the Bowler for whilst captaining the school through Under 12, 13 &14 seasons he would slip into the attack on his whim and utilize his amazing range of styles to return some extraordinary analyses. In 1961, in a style he called “pace, bounce and cut”, he slipped in with 6 for 7 and 4 for 4 against powerful Henry Thornton and William Ellis sides respectively.
By 1963 he had reverted to off-spin and took 5 for 6 for the School 2nd XI against Sir Walter St John. In between these various right arm styles he also perfected a run up for left arm fast bowling but, although I do recall him marking it out in a first eleven match to the bemusement of everyone present, I cannot recall him actually being given the ball to bowl. However, in a six-a-side match he did purvey a form of slow left arm bowled from around the wicket.
It was in 1963 that he had his “Sobers” match (see Confessions pages 352-471, 503 and 750-6) playing for the Bush 3rd XI against Horseferry. “ I opened the bowling with the new ball and took three wickets with quick in-swingers. I came back into the attack later and took another two wickets with off-spin. I topped it off by getting 40 odd at number three as Peter Bunker and I knocked off the runs.” One can only feel sorry for the opposition faced with such an array of talent harnessed by just one individual.
The Bush 3rd XI proved a happy hunting ground for the blond off spinner who also routed Impax with a dazzling 4 for 3 in 1964. However, it also heralded the beginning of the end because there were some men with big bats who thought that off spin “rolled not spun” was just their cup of tea. At South Hampstead, Ron Impey thought all his birthdays had come at once and repeatedly hit our hero into Milverton Road. Sadly this was not an isolated incident, referring back to the “Confessions”: “Probably the worst stick I ever took was at the Poly in a 3rd XI game in 1963. In the Impey hammering, at least the bloke at the other end was treating me with relative respect, but at the Poly, both of them were totally unmerciful. I took a wicket with my first ball, which was a big mistake as it brought in their fiercest hitter and I think my figures ended up 6-0-54-1. After the first ball, I don’t think I bowled another dot ball, but we soon had the field so well spread that they were only getting ones and twos for their ferocious hits rather than the fours they probably deserved. It could have been a lot worse. Impey hit me harder and higher but, fortunately, he couldn’t always get the strike”.
There was just one final outstanding performance by Morgan the Bowler that strangely occurred when I employed his services against Chiswick County in 1966 and he returned the exceptional figures of 5 for 6 with off spinners. For reasons that I cannot now recall he persuaded me to let him spend the rest of that season resting on his laurels.
The final word comes from the man himself from “Confessions”: “My bowling came to be used less and less as I won my place as a batsman in teams of a higher standard. The higher team would already have its own spin bowlers in place and an inferior off-spinner was not going to get much of a chance. I did actually bowl a bit at Sheffield and not only when I skippered the 2nd XI; but I was only an occasional deputy for the regular spinners. I decided that I didn’t like being an occasional bowler. It seemed unreasonable to me to be suddenly thrown the ball with a casual “Here you are Jack. I know you haven’t bowled for months, but if you could just drop it straight on a length and get us five wickets in the next ten minutes, that would be handy!” So having rejected the occasional bowler option, I became a total non-bowler and never bowled again after 1968”.
Sadly “Confessions” is now out of print and so you won’t be able to obtain copies of this fascinating read so popular with insomniacs. The statistical appendices are still available, though, in a three-volume set from the Stuart Press
Bad News
Here are ten things that you don’t want to hear from the outgoing batsman as you pass him on your way to the wicket:
- He’s the quickest I have ever faced.
- It’s swinging both ways.
- The tops gone.
- You won’t last long.
- I never touched it-the umpire’s bent.
- I borrowed your box, whose are you wearing?
- Apparently they call him Murali.
- I hope you locked your car - there are a lot of car jackings going on round here
- We need another 50 before we declare in ten minutes time
In memoriam
Ken Fletcher died during the summer. He succeeded Herbert Wallach as President of South Hampstead in the seventies and still acted in that capacity at the time of his death. It is believed that his association with the club extended over sixty years. Perhaps one of the Old Uffs would like to pen an obituary?
Geoff Wright died unexpectedly in August. Bill Groombridge received this news from Geoff’s widow, Eileen. If you would like any further information Bill may be able to help you.
Old Uffingtonians
Some of you will be asking yourselves “Who the hell are the Old Uffingtonians?” Well, I am only too happy to put you out of your misery with the information that they are the old boys from Willesden County Grammar School, located in Uffington Road.
Some might think that Ken James is the most famous Old Uff, but in cricketing circles more will probably be familiar with the England duo of Chris Lewis and Phil de Freitas.
Does Ken James get this illustrious pair to turn out for the South Hampstead Wednesday XI? Apparently not, but last season, I am informed, a certain Desmond Haynes, not of this parish, opened the batting against unsuspecting opponents.
In swinging off-cutters ?
We all knew that Arthur Gates’ demon ball could not really have been an “in swinging off cutter”. It would have had to be propelled in the direction of gully to eventually hit the stumps. Gary Rhoades has now eaten humble pie and would like all readers to know that it was in fact a booming in-swinging leg-cutter. Yep, that sounds more like a virtually unplayable ball.
Not good enough for this club
My reception committee at South Hampstead in September obviously thought that I was on the look out for copy for this illustrious organ. It wasn’t long before Ken James was reminded that he had turned away Alan Border in the seventies because “This club has too many Aussies already, thank you”. The riposte to Bob Peach was instant and reminded him that he had rejected Mike Gatting for being a thirteen-year-old podge. Shades of pots and kettles, me thinks.
Can any other club claim to have rejected two players who were to go on to become international captains?
Match Report- Number 3
In May 1980 George and I went with his mate, Mike Deeming, to the second Prudential One-Day international at Lords between England and the West Indies. England had lost the first match two days earlier at Headingley.
Ian Botham won the toss and elected to field. We had catered for the event on the grand scale and by the time Bob Willis and John Lever had completed their opening spells we were toasting each other and the occasion with our aperitifs. My tipple was Martini Rosso in a half-pint glass whilst the ICI boys preferred olives and chilled Chablis.
Gordon Greenidge and Desmond Haynes added 86 for the first wicket but both then fell to Vic Marks’ off spin. Ian Botham went for 71 in his 11 overs but Chris Old, Peter Willey and Marks were all economical. Alvin Kallicharan looked menacing but Bob Willis caught him above his head at mid-off, off a screamer that no one else could have reached. Strangely Viv Richards got bogged down and spent more than 20 overs scoring 26.
By the time the lunch interval arrived we were well into some decent claret to accompany the foie gras, Grosvenor pie and truffles. Collis King and Andy Roberts ensured that the tail wagged, but nevertheless the final total was what, we considered, was a gettable 235. We pondered on this over a bottle of vintage port.
England’s first three nominated batsmen were a rum bunch - Peter Willey, Geoff Boycott and Chris Tavare - not exactly your Twenty20 guys. However, amidst mounting excitement the opening partnership extended to 135 and the teatime bottles of Grand Cru Burgundy were opened a little early. Michael Holding, Andy Roberts and Malcolm Marshall then engineered a collapse, removing the first three plus Graham Gooch and David Gower, which reduced England to 178 for 5.
To keep withdrawal symptoms at bay and to steel ourselves for the climax of the match we had a few beers after tea and got in a couple of six-packs for the final overs. Botham was still there and he found a doughty partner in Marks. Botham announced himself by driving Andy Roberts three times through the covers for four and his perennial battle with Joel Garner was won when he hoisted a low full toss into the Mound Stand. After Marks was dismissed, David Bairstow didn’t last long, but John Lever was still at the crease when Botham hit the winning runs.
We then drove home. But then you did in those days.
Girlfriends
It seems appropriate to devote at least a few column inches to the females who have played, and in some cases continue to play so important a part in the rich tapestry that makes up our cricketing careers. I, therefore, invite readers to supply details of their own or other’s girlfriends from over the years. These may be from the entire spectrum of relationships from the casual one night stand to the betrothed variety.
Some of you will be chaffing at the bit to find out what exactly did happen when Roy Phipps found himself in the back of Don Wallis’ Ford Anglia and who else was with him; whilst the West Londoners will be more interested in what or who Minor and Jukes got up to on the Bush outfield and what, if anything, Rent-a-Tent had to do with it. We may be able to get to the bottom of the mystery surrounding the unexpected popularity of Colin Newcombe’s girlfriend, Pauline the scorer, in the mid sixties. Some may be content to be reminded what Bob Harvey’s girlfriend was called and if, indeed, she was the sister of Glenys Smith, one of the Bush Belles.
It is, of course, essential that this topic is handled in the best possible taste and that nothing inappropriate is referred to. Since I trust that all readers are gentlemen I am confident that we can progress this possibly delicate topic without any risk of abuse or offence.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 9 The ECB have now conspired with the sponsors of the test series, npower, to turn test matches into a ridiculous circus. For some years at test matches there has been the odd person wearing a green Afro wig or a Queen Elizabeth rubber mask. Whilst pointless and out of place this was relatively harmless and I always assumed that the individuals went home at the close of play to bread and water and the comfort of a straightjacket.
However, the prats from npower with the encouragement of the ECB have now decreed that the Saturday of the test match is an official dressing up day and those attending are actively encouraged to arrive in the most outlandish gear they can locate. At Edgbaston there were twenty-one Dickie Birds acting in unison amongst other imitators. By the time we got to Headingley a large proportion of the crowd were in fancy dress. There were Cavemen, Romans, Pirates, Female Impersonators, Jimmy Saville impersonators, Elvis Impersonators, the Pope, Knights Templar and even a four man Hippo.
What sort of event do npower and these paying customers think that a test match is? Even if it can be put down as harmless fun, it can only act as a distraction from the main event. When you next pay £35 for a ticket to a test match beware, you may find yourself sitting behind a row of undertakers wearing stove pipe hats in which case you won’t get to see any of the cricket at all.
Strange Elevens
Last months Strange Eleven comprised first class cricketers whose fathers had also played first class cricket.
The Great Jack Morgan is responsible for this month’s Jazz Hat bunch. Can you identify what unites them?
M Fleming Kent
N Smith Warwicks
P Grayson Yorks & Essex
V Wells Kent, Leics & Durham
G Humpage Warwicks
D Brown Warwicks
G Swann Northants
G Batty Yorks, Surrey & Worcs
I Austin Lancs
S Udal Hants
P Franks Notts
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. I have now bundled 1-9 together and will send to anyone who wants them. You will be able to find out who George and the Professor are, who named him the Great Jack Morgan, all about Tour Madness, avail yourself of the definitive guide to the Duckworth Lewis method, be able to sit A-level Sport and O-level Cricket and discover other trivia that is essential to your understanding of the modern game. Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
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James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
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