GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 27
March 2005
The Months Ahead
March:
Steve Harmison is advised to take a complete rest for the next three months. The only telephone calls he will be permitted to answer will be from Troy Cooley.
In order to accommodate better-qualified players in all other positions for the England game against Azerbaijan David Beckham volunteers to play in goal. Sven puts him on the bench instead.
April:
The Rangers have a late season burst of form and threaten to make the playoffs. Jim Revier’s decision to buy a season ticket is vindicated.
The season opens. Nick Knight continues to win the toss and Warwickshire continue where they left off. They score over five hundred runs in each of their first innings, get maximum batting points, draw their first three games and end the month on top of Division One in the Championship.
May:
Andrew Strauss scores a hundred in his first innings against Bangla Desh, which extends his debut centurion run to four opponents.
The Australians arrive for their tour and Ricky Ponting is invited to guest on the right wing for Arsenal in the cup final. He scores the winner but finds the experience puzzling since he doesn’t speak French.
David Beckham enters a penalty taking competition. To give him a chance of scoring Premiership goalkeepers are used, but he still fails to find the net.
Freddie Flintoff announces that he expects to be fit for the one-day internationals against Australia.
Mark Butcher dislocates two fingers strumming his guitar and declares himself unfit for the Bangla Desh tests.
Jonathan Woodgate completes his first season as Real Madrid player without playing a single match.
June:
Following the trouncing of Bangla Desh, The Sun proclaims that England are “Unbeatable” and soon the Aussies will be “Grovelling”.
The first Twenty20 international is staged between England and Australia at the Rose Bowl. The wicket is a disgrace for a village match let alone an international match. Andrew Symonds is the only player able to get the ball off the square and loses four balls that disappear into the Hampshire countryside. They are joined by most of the crowd who are unable to get away from the ground after the match due to modern policing techniques and poor “park and ride” arrangements.
David Beckham is put on the transfer list by Real Madrid. There are no takers.
July:
Freddie Flintoff is unfit and misses the one-day internationals against Australia. He says that he will be fit for the first test match.
No English contracted fast bowler is fit for the first test against Australia. Harmison is recovering from his three-month rest; Flintoff is expecting to be fit for the second test, Jones the Ball is in dispute with Glamorgan and is too upset to play whilst Hoggard and Anderson are suffering from bad hair days. Fletcher sticks to contracted players and plans to give the new ball to Trescothick and Butcher.
Trescothick mixes up his Corridor of Uncertainty with a Window of Opportunity and is caught behind off Gillespie in each innings. Meanwhile, Michael Clarke scores a hundred on his test debut in England but is overshadowed by Adam Gilchrist’s 190 in two hours. Bob Willis accuses the Australians of scoring “excessive and unnecessary” runs once they got past 650. They eventually declare on 830 for 7.
Andrew Strauss is dismissed for 0 in his first innings against Australia.
Shane Warne turns the ball square on the third day at Lords and takes 7 for 27. A spokesman for the MCC blames the state of the wicket on global warming and climate change.
Real Madrid announces that Beckham is available on a free transfer. Still no takers.
August:
Flintoff misses the second test, is not fit to bat or bowl in the third but is considered for selection as a fielder and for his bonhomie in the dressing room.
The ICC sacks Martin Crowe as Match Referee after he fails to generate any fine income in the first two test matches. Clive Lloyd is called up for the third test and immediately makes his presence felt by fining the gatekeeper a week’s wages for looking at him sideways as he enters the ground.
Mark Butcher drops out of the side for the second test after impaling himself on a stump during net practise.
Australia wins the third test and the series after thirteen playing days. Fletch claims this as a success for England as it only took them eleven days last time.
Flintoff says that he will definitely be fit for the fourth test.
Geraint Jones fails to reach double figures in the fourth test for the eighth consecutive innings, but reaches that milestone in dropped catches.
September:
Andy Caddick is recalled for the fifth test match. He withdraws from the side on the morning of the match with a recurrence of his back injury and watches from the sidelines with the unfit Freddie Flintoff.
During the fifth test at the Oval Brett Lee becomes the first bowler to deliver an over in which each ball was bowled at over 100mph. All four English batsmen who faced the deliveries confirm that they were extremely quick.
Steve Harmison blames homesickness for his poor form and asks only to be considered for test matches played at the Riverside in future.
Mark Butcher announces his retirement from international cricket from the Casualty Ward at St Guy’s hospital.
Two innings and two laughs
I knew John Bowerman at Furness Road Primary School before playing with him later at South Hampstead. He recently sent me this:
I enjoy reading Googlies early in the morning when I get to the office for work. It's interesting to note some of the names that I remember even though my stay at South Hampstead was relatively short after I returned from college and before I left for Luton after I got married. I feel I was privileged to be around through a fairly 'golden era' when the club figured in a number of Wills finals starting with the one at Lords. I managed to play in two and still remember the unique event for me when a small boy ran up to me as I came off the field and asked me for my autograph! The one and only time! I also remember that I used to get the Wednesday afternoon off because I did the football and cricket on a Saturday at Preston Manor and this allowed me to play in a number of enjoyable games against the 'midweek sides'.
I then prompted him to write some more
Besides having the pleasure of watching some fine players performing e.g. Len's fantastic innings at Tunbridge Wells - 120 out of about 160 and Terry batting on a 'lively wicket' at Edmonton on a Sunday morning - again about 80 out of a modest total, there were always those 'funny moments' that stick in your mind.
One that springs to mind concerns Bob Peach who was unwrapping a 'new' bat from its protective plastic cover (the long ones that were 'condom like' in appearance). Someone remarked that they didn't know he had such a 'big one' to which Bob replied, “I haven't really but it frightens the life out of them when I take it out of my pocket!”
We were playing at High Wycombe on a Sunday and Don and his wife had been for a 'heavy' lunch at the Bull pub. Don was asked to open the bowling and trundled in to have his first ball smashed to the fence, I think by a bloke called Janes? Don belched and said, 'Gentlemen, I think we're in for a hard afternoon'.
My earliest 'personal' moment of success was my first '50' for the firsts, which I scored at Enfield against Drake and company. Whilst leaving the toilet after getting out a guy stopped me to say 'well done' and introduced himself as having the same surname as mine - not the most common name in the world. I was particularly pleased that I had washed my hands before shaking hands with him!
Out and About in the Caribbean with the Professor The Professor explains how the retired spend their winter months Frank Foreman and I, together with respective spouses, decided to forego the delights of late January in England and go off to Barbados. Purely in the interests of research, we made our way to the famous Kensington Oval to watch Barbados play the Leeward Islands. At the time the West Indies team was still in Australia but the presence of familiar names like Campbell, Collymore, Banks and Jacobs was enough incentive to get us to the stadium.
Actually “Stadium” is a somewhat flattering description of what is sadly a pretty down-at-heel collection of “stands”, one of which, the “Kensington Stand”, resembles nothing so much as the old Ellerslie Road stand at the Rangers, i.e. it is a long low shed. The “Pickwick Pavilion” is in particularly poor shape with even the photographs on the walls gently rotting away. In part this neglect is explained by the planned demolition of the entire stadium after this year’s test matches. We talked to a chap in the pavilion, who seemed to know all about it, and were told that the demolition would even, bizarrely, include the brand new stand that was built for the England test in 2004. It seems that it was built too near to the playing surface.
Barbados are going through a very poor patch at present. In addition to Test calls, they also have Tino Best and Fidel Edwards out injured. Having said that, their first three looked formidable: Campbell, Nurse and Richards. Sadly, the “veteran” Campbell seems a shadow of the former self and Martin Nurse turns out to be a mad left-hander whose only tactic is to try to hit every ball out of the ground. Dale Richards top-scored in the Barbados innings with a classy looking 70-odd but our informant in the pavilion told us that “he hits the ball in the air too often” and so it proved to be when he holed-out in the deep. Barbados ended up with less than 300 with a cameo coming from an extremely tall spinner called Benn, who, when he connected, hit the ball miles. (Later in the week I met Benn’s “cousin” on the beach (he was playing cricket) who in addition to this family connection claimed to have played for the West Indies himself). The Leewards most successful bowler was Sanford (who ended up with 13 in the match) but the bowler who caught the eye was Banks, who bowled his 30 overs at less than 2 and put a block on the whole innings.
At lunch we had a wander round the ground, as one does. There was nothing and no-one preventing us going on the field of play, so we did. This was my first time in the West Indies, but people who know it well will recognise the “square” consisting of only two or three strips which are played on continuously and a decidedly “sporty” outfield. Several of the fielders were “done” by balls hit hard and pitching just in front of them. We later looked at several club grounds, when driving round the island, and they are truly terrifying. Doubtless some of your readers will have played on them and have happy memories to relate.
Half way round our perambulation we met “Abraham”. He is the man who operates the giant scoreboard at the Oval. There are in fact four scoreboards on the ground and Abraham is the “boss of de boards”. His main board is about 30 feet high and gives all the information characteristic of the modern electronic boards: lists of both teams, all the batting and bowling stats, etc. The only difference is that Abraham’s board is not electronic. A quick look behind reveals a set of platforms at four different levels with an interconnecting set of ladders. It is perhaps not necessary to say that Abraham is a very slim, fit-looking young man. The re-development of the oval will also dispose of Abraham’s board. I asked him if that might mean he would lose his job but he seemed to feel that his position was secure, after all he is the “boss”. Lets hope so, he was a delightful chap.
Several beers and a few more chats later we made our way home leaving with just a couple of overs to go, at a point where Collymore had just been hit such a fearful blow in the bollocks that play was abandoned for the day. Whether the injury had an effect on the result I don’t know, but Barbados were well beaten in the end and now prop-up the “Carib Beer” table as it is now called.
Incidentally, the “Carib Beer” sponsors were in the process of putting up one of these giant gas-filled bottles during the game to advertise their product. The whole operation took all morning and the bottle kept falling down or being blown away from its moorings. When they eventually got it up there were cheers all round and I took myself off to the bar to get a round. By way of celebration, I asked for two Carib Beers – they didn’t stock it.
Looking forward to the Ashes Good News – Australia were restricted to less than 250 in the first two VB one-day finals against Pakistan.
Bad News – They won both games comfortably and the third game was unnecessary. A resurgent Brett Lee is back and is bowling very fast and with more control than hitherto. Even worse news is that Glen McGrath seems to be back to his very best.
The Great Jack Morgan sent me these wise words: “I am not keen on selecting Test teams on the basis of performances in One-Day matches, but I feel that some decisions have to be made soon. For example, if it is felt that young lions such as Bell and Pietersen are going to be a better bet than stalwarts such as Butcher and Thorpe for the Ashes series, than that decision should be made now. Whoever is picked for the Bangles series will surely make themselves undroppable, so they must not pick blokes who they do not think are the best choices for the Ashes. Kabir Ali is in a similar position and looks to be supporting my argument that alternative pace bowlers should be looked at (he would also strengthen the batting). It was nice to see Hoggy back in the one-day team: the only reason I can think of for his omission is that they do not want that many non-batters in the side. I’m always keen to have spin options available (Giles might get injured or they might want to play two spinners), but England lacks real wicket taking potential with the options they currently have in the spin department. This is why I think Vaughan should bowl more regularly. He is probably not much worse than Batty and if he had more practice, he could be an asset to the team without the need to call upon Gareth.”
Colin Price sent me this: “ Hayden still out of form and may not play in the one-day finals. We wonder if he'll get his form back. Clarke won our cricketer of the year on Monday night but it should have been Martyn - he had a wonderful year, especially in India. The coming series over there should be a cracker - especially if MacGill tours - bowling better than Warne at the moment.”
Wisden Five It has come round to the time when we try to outguess the editor of Wisden and come up with our predictions for the Wisden Five Cricketers of 2004. It is important to remember that no player can be selected for this honour more than once and so, for example, Michael Vaughan cannot be considered despite his leading England to a record number of wins nor can Freddie despite his phenomenal hitting in 2004.
The Professor sent me his contribution: “I think this is quite difficult. Mind you I was confident last year and only got three right. Given the convention that it is England players plus those who featured in the domestic season, I think Strauss and Harmison must be bankers. The touring side(s) normally feature but they didn't exactly do well. From the New Zealanders I guess you would pick Richardson - not eye-catchingly exciting but he was their most difficult man to get out. Chanderpaul was the Richardson equivalent for the West Indies but Gale also had a good all-round series. They often choose a player from the county scene (it was Chris Adams last year) so perhaps Knight? Key scored the most runs last season and, of course, made 200 in a test. Trescothick had a shit or bust season and in the process got a lot of runs for England - and it might just be his turn. Then there's Giles, and on and on. So my five, after due reflection and in preparation for ridicule and abuse are: Strauss, Harmison, Chanderpaul, Trescothick and Key.”
George has just become a grandfather and was, therefore, too busy to go beyond suggesting that Strauss was a certainty.
My selection is: Strauss, Harmison, Giles, Trescothick and Gayle.
The Great Jack Morgan sent me his selection which mirrored last year’s in concentrating on those players who sport seaxes on their chests: “Paul Weekes had an outstanding season, despite carrying an injury and wearing black socks, so his name can be inked in straight away. Owais Shah also had an excellent season and takes the second spot. Ed Joyce and Ben Hutton deserve the next two places for their consistent seasons and I am tempted to make it a quintet of players who scored a thousand first class runs in the season by including Sven Koenig, but I am going to give the final place to Simon Cook. Simon was Middlesex’s leading first class wicket taker, the country’s leading one-day wicket taker and also chipped in with some useful runs although it cannot be said that he has yet come anywhere near fulfilling his potential with the bat.”
The Googlies Five Dingbats of 2004 are:
Wayne Matters
The Great Jack Morgan failed to detect my irony in describing Wayne Daniel as light relief in the last issue
No, I can’t let you get away with that stuff about Wayne. I don’t believe that Wayne was ever “light relief” for anyone and when he played his five Tests in the seventies, Marshall, Garner and Croft had not even made the team at that stage. In those five Tests, Andy Roberts and Michael Holding were a fearsome pair, but Wayne was just as hostile, if not quite so accurate; the other pace bowlers at that time were Vanburn Holder and Bernard Julien who were positively medium paced compared to Wayne. I don’t think that either of us would have seen any of the five Tests that Wayne played on his brief recall in ’83, but I cannot believe that he would have been light relief then either, even though his colleagues included Holding, Marshall, Garner and Winston Davis.
When I pointed out my intended irony I got some more Irony, eh? I thought you Yanks didn’t do irony? Wayne did OK in his short Test career, taking 36 wickets at a respectable average of 25, but the question is why did he play so few Tests? Answers: i) rank bad selection and it was rumoured that he had fallen out with someone important; ii) there was tremendous competition, of course, but he usually wasn’t called up even when others were unavailable; iii) he didn’t do himself any good by joining K Packer’s Flying Circus as he allowed others to establish themselves, but he had actually lost his place before WSC started.
Dream Team Wally Barratt sent me this: “I was interested to see Bruce Tutton's South Hampstead Dream Team of the 1950s but I don't recall Colin Marston? Is Bruce thinking perhaps of that very talented all-rounder Bob Marsden who famously tossed the ball back to his captain, Henry Malcolm, when invited to bowl for the first time towards the end of a high scoring innings by the visiting team at South Hampstead? With advancing age I stand to be corrected but as Bruce is of similar age his memory could be equally vulnerable!”
Match Report
The following match took place between the South Hampstead touring side and Bognor Regis at Bognor Regis on Wednesday 14 August 1963
My first appearance at South Hampstead was in July 1963. Most of my contemporaries at school were joining Shepherds Bush but our family lived in Willesden and South Hampstead was closer. Someone called Bob Peach, who was an Old Dane, played there but I had not met him. After some initial enquiries I turned up to Colts nets on a Friday evening in July and must have some impression since I was asked to play the next day for the third eleven in what was a rare home game. This scuppered my plans to go to Lords and I duly made my debut on that batsman friendly surface.
Within a few days the club was going on its then annual tour of Sussex and I was invited to join the team on the Wednesday for the game at Bognor Regis. It was commonplace for members to join and leave the tour during the week. I traveled down in a car full of umpires that included Tubby Peach, Harry Wild and Stan Richards. Sadly I can recall none of the conversation on the route down.
The tour was open, like cricket week matches, to all playing members and so it was possible to get a cross section of the club’s strength at all levels. The club had managed victories on the Monday and Tuesday against Ifield and Littlehampton, respectively, with Bob Peach’s 6 for 7 in the second game being the outstanding performance. Somewhat strangely, though, no one had scored a fifty for the club. But that was soon to change.
I had already become acquainted with the first team stars but had yet to play a game with them. The start of the game at Bognor was delayed until 2.50pm and then featured the Legendary Len Stubbs opening the batting with Terry Cordaroy. It turned out to be one of those special Len days, albeit a brief one. He reached his fifty in 32 minutes and was out five minutes later for 64. At this point the score was 85 and the game as a contest was effectively over. Brian Shadwell was the next man in and he didn’t trouble Audrey in the scorebox. In fact he didn’t get off the mark all week.
Allan Clain then added forty with Terry very quickly and when he was out at 126 for 3 after just 64 minutes I found myself going to the wicket. It was an excellent opportunity to bat sensibly and make an impression but I soon perished trying to emulate the flamboyant stroke play of the others. Bob Peach and Bob Denley then added further quick runs with Terry who ended on 100 not out. Our total was 239 for 6 in under two hours.
After tea Don Wallis and John Weale opened the bowling, and Colin Newcombe took a catch in John’s first over. Later in the innings Harry Collins made two stumpings but I will save Len Stubbs’ favourite Harry Collins story for another time. John Weale finished with 9 for 24 and Bognor were bowled out for 58 in seventy minutes.
Post Vacant
South Hampstead still hasn’t appointed a President in succession to Ken Fletcher who died in 2003. At least if they have no one has told me. This seems a wasted opportunity. The President is purely a figurehead at the club and he performs no formal functions but the position is a chance to recognize a member for past service and ensure that someone else in addition to those in committee posts is involved at the senior end of the club.
Ken Fletcher and Herbert Wallach before him both fulfilled the role with dignity and style in their own ways. Let’s hope that someone soon will be given the chance to follow in their footsteps. If the committee is reluctant to make an appointment perhaps the Vice presidents should conduct an election on their behalf?
Pedophiles Corner Wullers (Alec Cullen) has been directing people on his contact list to the photos page on Bob Hunt’s Old Dane website, via the link below:
http://freespace.virgin.net/bob.hunt/Photos.htm >
There are various groups of Schoolboys in the fifties and sixties as well as masters solemnly lined up in front of the school building in Du Cane Road. In between these formal photos is one taken by Stephen Benjamin of Crackerjack fame, which features at least three of the recipients of this journal as cherubic eleven year olds frolicking in short trousers in the school field. Messrs Cullen, Morgan and Walmsley had better beware of suspicious advances.
Pedant’s Corner I conduct a regular email correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan, the bulk of which does not make it into these pages. The more masochistic of you might enjoy a flavour of his sometime schoolmasterly style:
On a minor geographical point, it is not strictly correct to refer to Centurion as “Pretoria”. Centurion is the new(ish) name for Verwoerdburg, which you will doubtless recall from the learned Bog Eye’s A Level geography lessons, and is located slightly nearer to Pretoria than Jo’burg, but it is not a part of any other city, it is a separate town in its own right. To call it “Pretoria” is like referring to Chelmsford or Guildford or Tunbridge Wells as “London”.
And Dick Crawshay didn’t get away with it either: “A ground staff job at Lord’s meant employment by the MCC to help around the ground doing whatever needed to be done; it was not the same as employment by Middlesex CCC to play cricket. The ground staff lads may have been able to graduate to better things, but a ground staff job meant no more than it implied. You shouldn’t publish such misleading stuff. Richard would be surprised to know that most contracts still do not cover the whole year except for a few places such as Lancashire; some contracts, e.g. for those still in full time education, are just for ten weeks or so in the summer.”
Irritating trends in modern cricket-numbers 26,27,28 &29 Denis Jones is someone who really knows the meaning of the word irritating. He sent me this:
I have just returned from a week's golf in Spain, with a couple of pals. Some brisk early morning, and late afternoon winds made it a little fresh, but the sun shone, and my golf didn't. It was, though, much more fun than being in England at present, and the current grey skies have prompted me to send this to include under your theme of 'irritating trends':
1) Players who wear watches. Surely with all the back-up that test players receive today, they should have the use of a Valuables bag, and find someone's Mum, or the scorer, to look after these items whilst the game takes place.
2) Jewelry, and other ornaments, swinging around the neck. This must be more of a distraction to the batsman, as Ntini (for example) comes pounding in, than the spectator who may be slightly behind the bowler’s arm, but not moving, and some 80 odd yards further away.
3) The excessive shouts of 'well bowled' as a supposedly test-class bowler actually manages to pitch the ball in the right area of the pitch. This also seems to be exceedingly fatuous when the batsman has met the ball with a perfectly orthodox shot, from the middle of the bat, or perhaps left it alone, and not been in any degree of difficulty.
4) Batsmen who run up and down the wicket, crossing from one side of the pitch to the other, and running over areas that if scuffed by a bowler, would result in a near apoplectic fit from the Umpires. I know that this tactic can be useful to prevent a possible run-out, but I am also aware that the shortest, and therefore quickest route, is in a straight line, instead of resorting to tortuous side-steps to avoid colliding with one's own batting partner, or sundry opposition players.
New Balls
The Professor followed up on my proposal that the new ball should only be available if the minimum overs per hour had been achieved: “The taking of the new ball often seems a decisive turning point in an innings. And always has been. Or has it? It's now taken after 80 overs but I think that has changed from earlier times. Does anyone know the lineage of the new ball regulation? I have a vague notion that the change has been both less frequent and more frequent at different times in the past. Were some of the great batting exploits of the distant past against tatty old bits leather that didn't bounce above knee height? Did WG ever face a second new ball?”
Rangers matters The Great Jack Morgan noted “Gary Rhoades tells me that his only visit to see QPR this season was unfortunately the humiliating debacle at Leeds! I knew that Conway Smith had played in 1955/56, I just wasn’t sure whether I had seen him or not. I only saw a handful of games that season and, without programmes to look back on, I’m struggling to be sure which games I actually saw. The only game I am 100% certain that I saw was the Coventry game, in which Conway didn’t play! However, I’m 90% sure that I saw the Watford game, in which Conway did play, but failed to score in a 3-2 home win. I think Ron (Jack’s Dad) made a serious mistake in not getting programmes in those days as it took me quite a while to work out who was who; it would have been so much easier with a crib-sheet! Yes, it was definitely white shirts and blue shorts in those days, wasn’t it?”
The Professor noted: “Dennis Jones listed an "All Stars" team that played at the Rangers in 1956. Unless there was a second similar occasion, my memory is that this was sold as "Stanley Matthews plays at Loftus Road". I went that match with my father but, sadly, Stanley did not.”
Strange Elevens
Bob Denley sent me this from Singapore: “ I have just read the latest Googlies in Singapore- my guess would be that they all were called up for an overseas tour-as a replacement- having missed out on the original selection. They then possibly played in the Test side.” A good but incorrect guess. The first correct answer was received from Martin Sneesby who succinctly responded: “ Played for Glamorgan without being born in Wales”.
The Great Jack Morgan is smarting from having his Strange XIs answered correctly in successive months. He has upped the ante with this bunch who are all eligible to wear the same Jazz Hat:
Ian Ward
Nigel Felton
David Hemp
Aftab Habib
Phil Slocombe
James Hildreth
Piran Holloway
Luke Sutton (w/k)
Wesley Durston
Simon Jones
Dean Cosker
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 27
March 2005
The Months Ahead
March:
Steve Harmison is advised to take a complete rest for the next three months. The only telephone calls he will be permitted to answer will be from Troy Cooley.
In order to accommodate better-qualified players in all other positions for the England game against Azerbaijan David Beckham volunteers to play in goal. Sven puts him on the bench instead.
April:
The Rangers have a late season burst of form and threaten to make the playoffs. Jim Revier’s decision to buy a season ticket is vindicated.
The season opens. Nick Knight continues to win the toss and Warwickshire continue where they left off. They score over five hundred runs in each of their first innings, get maximum batting points, draw their first three games and end the month on top of Division One in the Championship.
May:
Andrew Strauss scores a hundred in his first innings against Bangla Desh, which extends his debut centurion run to four opponents.
The Australians arrive for their tour and Ricky Ponting is invited to guest on the right wing for Arsenal in the cup final. He scores the winner but finds the experience puzzling since he doesn’t speak French.
David Beckham enters a penalty taking competition. To give him a chance of scoring Premiership goalkeepers are used, but he still fails to find the net.
Freddie Flintoff announces that he expects to be fit for the one-day internationals against Australia.
Mark Butcher dislocates two fingers strumming his guitar and declares himself unfit for the Bangla Desh tests.
Jonathan Woodgate completes his first season as Real Madrid player without playing a single match.
June:
Following the trouncing of Bangla Desh, The Sun proclaims that England are “Unbeatable” and soon the Aussies will be “Grovelling”.
The first Twenty20 international is staged between England and Australia at the Rose Bowl. The wicket is a disgrace for a village match let alone an international match. Andrew Symonds is the only player able to get the ball off the square and loses four balls that disappear into the Hampshire countryside. They are joined by most of the crowd who are unable to get away from the ground after the match due to modern policing techniques and poor “park and ride” arrangements.
David Beckham is put on the transfer list by Real Madrid. There are no takers.
July:
Freddie Flintoff is unfit and misses the one-day internationals against Australia. He says that he will be fit for the first test match.
No English contracted fast bowler is fit for the first test against Australia. Harmison is recovering from his three-month rest; Flintoff is expecting to be fit for the second test, Jones the Ball is in dispute with Glamorgan and is too upset to play whilst Hoggard and Anderson are suffering from bad hair days. Fletcher sticks to contracted players and plans to give the new ball to Trescothick and Butcher.
Trescothick mixes up his Corridor of Uncertainty with a Window of Opportunity and is caught behind off Gillespie in each innings. Meanwhile, Michael Clarke scores a hundred on his test debut in England but is overshadowed by Adam Gilchrist’s 190 in two hours. Bob Willis accuses the Australians of scoring “excessive and unnecessary” runs once they got past 650. They eventually declare on 830 for 7.
Andrew Strauss is dismissed for 0 in his first innings against Australia.
Shane Warne turns the ball square on the third day at Lords and takes 7 for 27. A spokesman for the MCC blames the state of the wicket on global warming and climate change.
Real Madrid announces that Beckham is available on a free transfer. Still no takers.
August:
Flintoff misses the second test, is not fit to bat or bowl in the third but is considered for selection as a fielder and for his bonhomie in the dressing room.
The ICC sacks Martin Crowe as Match Referee after he fails to generate any fine income in the first two test matches. Clive Lloyd is called up for the third test and immediately makes his presence felt by fining the gatekeeper a week’s wages for looking at him sideways as he enters the ground.
Mark Butcher drops out of the side for the second test after impaling himself on a stump during net practise.
Australia wins the third test and the series after thirteen playing days. Fletch claims this as a success for England as it only took them eleven days last time.
Flintoff says that he will definitely be fit for the fourth test.
Geraint Jones fails to reach double figures in the fourth test for the eighth consecutive innings, but reaches that milestone in dropped catches.
September:
Andy Caddick is recalled for the fifth test match. He withdraws from the side on the morning of the match with a recurrence of his back injury and watches from the sidelines with the unfit Freddie Flintoff.
During the fifth test at the Oval Brett Lee becomes the first bowler to deliver an over in which each ball was bowled at over 100mph. All four English batsmen who faced the deliveries confirm that they were extremely quick.
Steve Harmison blames homesickness for his poor form and asks only to be considered for test matches played at the Riverside in future.
Mark Butcher announces his retirement from international cricket from the Casualty Ward at St Guy’s hospital.
Two innings and two laughs
I knew John Bowerman at Furness Road Primary School before playing with him later at South Hampstead. He recently sent me this:
I enjoy reading Googlies early in the morning when I get to the office for work. It's interesting to note some of the names that I remember even though my stay at South Hampstead was relatively short after I returned from college and before I left for Luton after I got married. I feel I was privileged to be around through a fairly 'golden era' when the club figured in a number of Wills finals starting with the one at Lords. I managed to play in two and still remember the unique event for me when a small boy ran up to me as I came off the field and asked me for my autograph! The one and only time! I also remember that I used to get the Wednesday afternoon off because I did the football and cricket on a Saturday at Preston Manor and this allowed me to play in a number of enjoyable games against the 'midweek sides'.
I then prompted him to write some more
Besides having the pleasure of watching some fine players performing e.g. Len's fantastic innings at Tunbridge Wells - 120 out of about 160 and Terry batting on a 'lively wicket' at Edmonton on a Sunday morning - again about 80 out of a modest total, there were always those 'funny moments' that stick in your mind.
One that springs to mind concerns Bob Peach who was unwrapping a 'new' bat from its protective plastic cover (the long ones that were 'condom like' in appearance). Someone remarked that they didn't know he had such a 'big one' to which Bob replied, “I haven't really but it frightens the life out of them when I take it out of my pocket!”
We were playing at High Wycombe on a Sunday and Don and his wife had been for a 'heavy' lunch at the Bull pub. Don was asked to open the bowling and trundled in to have his first ball smashed to the fence, I think by a bloke called Janes? Don belched and said, 'Gentlemen, I think we're in for a hard afternoon'.
My earliest 'personal' moment of success was my first '50' for the firsts, which I scored at Enfield against Drake and company. Whilst leaving the toilet after getting out a guy stopped me to say 'well done' and introduced himself as having the same surname as mine - not the most common name in the world. I was particularly pleased that I had washed my hands before shaking hands with him!
Out and About in the Caribbean with the Professor The Professor explains how the retired spend their winter months Frank Foreman and I, together with respective spouses, decided to forego the delights of late January in England and go off to Barbados. Purely in the interests of research, we made our way to the famous Kensington Oval to watch Barbados play the Leeward Islands. At the time the West Indies team was still in Australia but the presence of familiar names like Campbell, Collymore, Banks and Jacobs was enough incentive to get us to the stadium.
Actually “Stadium” is a somewhat flattering description of what is sadly a pretty down-at-heel collection of “stands”, one of which, the “Kensington Stand”, resembles nothing so much as the old Ellerslie Road stand at the Rangers, i.e. it is a long low shed. The “Pickwick Pavilion” is in particularly poor shape with even the photographs on the walls gently rotting away. In part this neglect is explained by the planned demolition of the entire stadium after this year’s test matches. We talked to a chap in the pavilion, who seemed to know all about it, and were told that the demolition would even, bizarrely, include the brand new stand that was built for the England test in 2004. It seems that it was built too near to the playing surface.
Barbados are going through a very poor patch at present. In addition to Test calls, they also have Tino Best and Fidel Edwards out injured. Having said that, their first three looked formidable: Campbell, Nurse and Richards. Sadly, the “veteran” Campbell seems a shadow of the former self and Martin Nurse turns out to be a mad left-hander whose only tactic is to try to hit every ball out of the ground. Dale Richards top-scored in the Barbados innings with a classy looking 70-odd but our informant in the pavilion told us that “he hits the ball in the air too often” and so it proved to be when he holed-out in the deep. Barbados ended up with less than 300 with a cameo coming from an extremely tall spinner called Benn, who, when he connected, hit the ball miles. (Later in the week I met Benn’s “cousin” on the beach (he was playing cricket) who in addition to this family connection claimed to have played for the West Indies himself). The Leewards most successful bowler was Sanford (who ended up with 13 in the match) but the bowler who caught the eye was Banks, who bowled his 30 overs at less than 2 and put a block on the whole innings.
At lunch we had a wander round the ground, as one does. There was nothing and no-one preventing us going on the field of play, so we did. This was my first time in the West Indies, but people who know it well will recognise the “square” consisting of only two or three strips which are played on continuously and a decidedly “sporty” outfield. Several of the fielders were “done” by balls hit hard and pitching just in front of them. We later looked at several club grounds, when driving round the island, and they are truly terrifying. Doubtless some of your readers will have played on them and have happy memories to relate.
Half way round our perambulation we met “Abraham”. He is the man who operates the giant scoreboard at the Oval. There are in fact four scoreboards on the ground and Abraham is the “boss of de boards”. His main board is about 30 feet high and gives all the information characteristic of the modern electronic boards: lists of both teams, all the batting and bowling stats, etc. The only difference is that Abraham’s board is not electronic. A quick look behind reveals a set of platforms at four different levels with an interconnecting set of ladders. It is perhaps not necessary to say that Abraham is a very slim, fit-looking young man. The re-development of the oval will also dispose of Abraham’s board. I asked him if that might mean he would lose his job but he seemed to feel that his position was secure, after all he is the “boss”. Lets hope so, he was a delightful chap.
Several beers and a few more chats later we made our way home leaving with just a couple of overs to go, at a point where Collymore had just been hit such a fearful blow in the bollocks that play was abandoned for the day. Whether the injury had an effect on the result I don’t know, but Barbados were well beaten in the end and now prop-up the “Carib Beer” table as it is now called.
Incidentally, the “Carib Beer” sponsors were in the process of putting up one of these giant gas-filled bottles during the game to advertise their product. The whole operation took all morning and the bottle kept falling down or being blown away from its moorings. When they eventually got it up there were cheers all round and I took myself off to the bar to get a round. By way of celebration, I asked for two Carib Beers – they didn’t stock it.
Looking forward to the Ashes Good News – Australia were restricted to less than 250 in the first two VB one-day finals against Pakistan.
Bad News – They won both games comfortably and the third game was unnecessary. A resurgent Brett Lee is back and is bowling very fast and with more control than hitherto. Even worse news is that Glen McGrath seems to be back to his very best.
The Great Jack Morgan sent me these wise words: “I am not keen on selecting Test teams on the basis of performances in One-Day matches, but I feel that some decisions have to be made soon. For example, if it is felt that young lions such as Bell and Pietersen are going to be a better bet than stalwarts such as Butcher and Thorpe for the Ashes series, than that decision should be made now. Whoever is picked for the Bangles series will surely make themselves undroppable, so they must not pick blokes who they do not think are the best choices for the Ashes. Kabir Ali is in a similar position and looks to be supporting my argument that alternative pace bowlers should be looked at (he would also strengthen the batting). It was nice to see Hoggy back in the one-day team: the only reason I can think of for his omission is that they do not want that many non-batters in the side. I’m always keen to have spin options available (Giles might get injured or they might want to play two spinners), but England lacks real wicket taking potential with the options they currently have in the spin department. This is why I think Vaughan should bowl more regularly. He is probably not much worse than Batty and if he had more practice, he could be an asset to the team without the need to call upon Gareth.”
Colin Price sent me this: “ Hayden still out of form and may not play in the one-day finals. We wonder if he'll get his form back. Clarke won our cricketer of the year on Monday night but it should have been Martyn - he had a wonderful year, especially in India. The coming series over there should be a cracker - especially if MacGill tours - bowling better than Warne at the moment.”
Wisden Five It has come round to the time when we try to outguess the editor of Wisden and come up with our predictions for the Wisden Five Cricketers of 2004. It is important to remember that no player can be selected for this honour more than once and so, for example, Michael Vaughan cannot be considered despite his leading England to a record number of wins nor can Freddie despite his phenomenal hitting in 2004.
The Professor sent me his contribution: “I think this is quite difficult. Mind you I was confident last year and only got three right. Given the convention that it is England players plus those who featured in the domestic season, I think Strauss and Harmison must be bankers. The touring side(s) normally feature but they didn't exactly do well. From the New Zealanders I guess you would pick Richardson - not eye-catchingly exciting but he was their most difficult man to get out. Chanderpaul was the Richardson equivalent for the West Indies but Gale also had a good all-round series. They often choose a player from the county scene (it was Chris Adams last year) so perhaps Knight? Key scored the most runs last season and, of course, made 200 in a test. Trescothick had a shit or bust season and in the process got a lot of runs for England - and it might just be his turn. Then there's Giles, and on and on. So my five, after due reflection and in preparation for ridicule and abuse are: Strauss, Harmison, Chanderpaul, Trescothick and Key.”
George has just become a grandfather and was, therefore, too busy to go beyond suggesting that Strauss was a certainty.
My selection is: Strauss, Harmison, Giles, Trescothick and Gayle.
The Great Jack Morgan sent me his selection which mirrored last year’s in concentrating on those players who sport seaxes on their chests: “Paul Weekes had an outstanding season, despite carrying an injury and wearing black socks, so his name can be inked in straight away. Owais Shah also had an excellent season and takes the second spot. Ed Joyce and Ben Hutton deserve the next two places for their consistent seasons and I am tempted to make it a quintet of players who scored a thousand first class runs in the season by including Sven Koenig, but I am going to give the final place to Simon Cook. Simon was Middlesex’s leading first class wicket taker, the country’s leading one-day wicket taker and also chipped in with some useful runs although it cannot be said that he has yet come anywhere near fulfilling his potential with the bat.”
The Googlies Five Dingbats of 2004 are:
- Nass who ran out Andrew Strauss when he was on the point of scoring two centuries on his test debut.
- Gareth Batty for going to South Africa and not bowling a ball in anger. He automatically receives the Robert Croft Award from the Welsh Wizard himself.
- Jones the Glove who opened for England as a pinch hitter against South Africa in every match in the one-day series and failed on each occasion.
- Anyone associated with the ICC or the ECB for not dealing with the Zimbabwe situation.
- Bob Willis for continuing to be Bob Willis.
Wayne Matters
The Great Jack Morgan failed to detect my irony in describing Wayne Daniel as light relief in the last issue
No, I can’t let you get away with that stuff about Wayne. I don’t believe that Wayne was ever “light relief” for anyone and when he played his five Tests in the seventies, Marshall, Garner and Croft had not even made the team at that stage. In those five Tests, Andy Roberts and Michael Holding were a fearsome pair, but Wayne was just as hostile, if not quite so accurate; the other pace bowlers at that time were Vanburn Holder and Bernard Julien who were positively medium paced compared to Wayne. I don’t think that either of us would have seen any of the five Tests that Wayne played on his brief recall in ’83, but I cannot believe that he would have been light relief then either, even though his colleagues included Holding, Marshall, Garner and Winston Davis.
When I pointed out my intended irony I got some more Irony, eh? I thought you Yanks didn’t do irony? Wayne did OK in his short Test career, taking 36 wickets at a respectable average of 25, but the question is why did he play so few Tests? Answers: i) rank bad selection and it was rumoured that he had fallen out with someone important; ii) there was tremendous competition, of course, but he usually wasn’t called up even when others were unavailable; iii) he didn’t do himself any good by joining K Packer’s Flying Circus as he allowed others to establish themselves, but he had actually lost his place before WSC started.
Dream Team Wally Barratt sent me this: “I was interested to see Bruce Tutton's South Hampstead Dream Team of the 1950s but I don't recall Colin Marston? Is Bruce thinking perhaps of that very talented all-rounder Bob Marsden who famously tossed the ball back to his captain, Henry Malcolm, when invited to bowl for the first time towards the end of a high scoring innings by the visiting team at South Hampstead? With advancing age I stand to be corrected but as Bruce is of similar age his memory could be equally vulnerable!”
Match Report
The following match took place between the South Hampstead touring side and Bognor Regis at Bognor Regis on Wednesday 14 August 1963
My first appearance at South Hampstead was in July 1963. Most of my contemporaries at school were joining Shepherds Bush but our family lived in Willesden and South Hampstead was closer. Someone called Bob Peach, who was an Old Dane, played there but I had not met him. After some initial enquiries I turned up to Colts nets on a Friday evening in July and must have some impression since I was asked to play the next day for the third eleven in what was a rare home game. This scuppered my plans to go to Lords and I duly made my debut on that batsman friendly surface.
Within a few days the club was going on its then annual tour of Sussex and I was invited to join the team on the Wednesday for the game at Bognor Regis. It was commonplace for members to join and leave the tour during the week. I traveled down in a car full of umpires that included Tubby Peach, Harry Wild and Stan Richards. Sadly I can recall none of the conversation on the route down.
The tour was open, like cricket week matches, to all playing members and so it was possible to get a cross section of the club’s strength at all levels. The club had managed victories on the Monday and Tuesday against Ifield and Littlehampton, respectively, with Bob Peach’s 6 for 7 in the second game being the outstanding performance. Somewhat strangely, though, no one had scored a fifty for the club. But that was soon to change.
I had already become acquainted with the first team stars but had yet to play a game with them. The start of the game at Bognor was delayed until 2.50pm and then featured the Legendary Len Stubbs opening the batting with Terry Cordaroy. It turned out to be one of those special Len days, albeit a brief one. He reached his fifty in 32 minutes and was out five minutes later for 64. At this point the score was 85 and the game as a contest was effectively over. Brian Shadwell was the next man in and he didn’t trouble Audrey in the scorebox. In fact he didn’t get off the mark all week.
Allan Clain then added forty with Terry very quickly and when he was out at 126 for 3 after just 64 minutes I found myself going to the wicket. It was an excellent opportunity to bat sensibly and make an impression but I soon perished trying to emulate the flamboyant stroke play of the others. Bob Peach and Bob Denley then added further quick runs with Terry who ended on 100 not out. Our total was 239 for 6 in under two hours.
After tea Don Wallis and John Weale opened the bowling, and Colin Newcombe took a catch in John’s first over. Later in the innings Harry Collins made two stumpings but I will save Len Stubbs’ favourite Harry Collins story for another time. John Weale finished with 9 for 24 and Bognor were bowled out for 58 in seventy minutes.
Post Vacant
South Hampstead still hasn’t appointed a President in succession to Ken Fletcher who died in 2003. At least if they have no one has told me. This seems a wasted opportunity. The President is purely a figurehead at the club and he performs no formal functions but the position is a chance to recognize a member for past service and ensure that someone else in addition to those in committee posts is involved at the senior end of the club.
Ken Fletcher and Herbert Wallach before him both fulfilled the role with dignity and style in their own ways. Let’s hope that someone soon will be given the chance to follow in their footsteps. If the committee is reluctant to make an appointment perhaps the Vice presidents should conduct an election on their behalf?
Pedophiles Corner Wullers (Alec Cullen) has been directing people on his contact list to the photos page on Bob Hunt’s Old Dane website, via the link below:
http://freespace.virgin.net/bob.hunt/Photos.htm >
There are various groups of Schoolboys in the fifties and sixties as well as masters solemnly lined up in front of the school building in Du Cane Road. In between these formal photos is one taken by Stephen Benjamin of Crackerjack fame, which features at least three of the recipients of this journal as cherubic eleven year olds frolicking in short trousers in the school field. Messrs Cullen, Morgan and Walmsley had better beware of suspicious advances.
Pedant’s Corner I conduct a regular email correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan, the bulk of which does not make it into these pages. The more masochistic of you might enjoy a flavour of his sometime schoolmasterly style:
On a minor geographical point, it is not strictly correct to refer to Centurion as “Pretoria”. Centurion is the new(ish) name for Verwoerdburg, which you will doubtless recall from the learned Bog Eye’s A Level geography lessons, and is located slightly nearer to Pretoria than Jo’burg, but it is not a part of any other city, it is a separate town in its own right. To call it “Pretoria” is like referring to Chelmsford or Guildford or Tunbridge Wells as “London”.
And Dick Crawshay didn’t get away with it either: “A ground staff job at Lord’s meant employment by the MCC to help around the ground doing whatever needed to be done; it was not the same as employment by Middlesex CCC to play cricket. The ground staff lads may have been able to graduate to better things, but a ground staff job meant no more than it implied. You shouldn’t publish such misleading stuff. Richard would be surprised to know that most contracts still do not cover the whole year except for a few places such as Lancashire; some contracts, e.g. for those still in full time education, are just for ten weeks or so in the summer.”
Irritating trends in modern cricket-numbers 26,27,28 &29 Denis Jones is someone who really knows the meaning of the word irritating. He sent me this:
I have just returned from a week's golf in Spain, with a couple of pals. Some brisk early morning, and late afternoon winds made it a little fresh, but the sun shone, and my golf didn't. It was, though, much more fun than being in England at present, and the current grey skies have prompted me to send this to include under your theme of 'irritating trends':
1) Players who wear watches. Surely with all the back-up that test players receive today, they should have the use of a Valuables bag, and find someone's Mum, or the scorer, to look after these items whilst the game takes place.
2) Jewelry, and other ornaments, swinging around the neck. This must be more of a distraction to the batsman, as Ntini (for example) comes pounding in, than the spectator who may be slightly behind the bowler’s arm, but not moving, and some 80 odd yards further away.
3) The excessive shouts of 'well bowled' as a supposedly test-class bowler actually manages to pitch the ball in the right area of the pitch. This also seems to be exceedingly fatuous when the batsman has met the ball with a perfectly orthodox shot, from the middle of the bat, or perhaps left it alone, and not been in any degree of difficulty.
4) Batsmen who run up and down the wicket, crossing from one side of the pitch to the other, and running over areas that if scuffed by a bowler, would result in a near apoplectic fit from the Umpires. I know that this tactic can be useful to prevent a possible run-out, but I am also aware that the shortest, and therefore quickest route, is in a straight line, instead of resorting to tortuous side-steps to avoid colliding with one's own batting partner, or sundry opposition players.
New Balls
The Professor followed up on my proposal that the new ball should only be available if the minimum overs per hour had been achieved: “The taking of the new ball often seems a decisive turning point in an innings. And always has been. Or has it? It's now taken after 80 overs but I think that has changed from earlier times. Does anyone know the lineage of the new ball regulation? I have a vague notion that the change has been both less frequent and more frequent at different times in the past. Were some of the great batting exploits of the distant past against tatty old bits leather that didn't bounce above knee height? Did WG ever face a second new ball?”
Rangers matters The Great Jack Morgan noted “Gary Rhoades tells me that his only visit to see QPR this season was unfortunately the humiliating debacle at Leeds! I knew that Conway Smith had played in 1955/56, I just wasn’t sure whether I had seen him or not. I only saw a handful of games that season and, without programmes to look back on, I’m struggling to be sure which games I actually saw. The only game I am 100% certain that I saw was the Coventry game, in which Conway didn’t play! However, I’m 90% sure that I saw the Watford game, in which Conway did play, but failed to score in a 3-2 home win. I think Ron (Jack’s Dad) made a serious mistake in not getting programmes in those days as it took me quite a while to work out who was who; it would have been so much easier with a crib-sheet! Yes, it was definitely white shirts and blue shorts in those days, wasn’t it?”
The Professor noted: “Dennis Jones listed an "All Stars" team that played at the Rangers in 1956. Unless there was a second similar occasion, my memory is that this was sold as "Stanley Matthews plays at Loftus Road". I went that match with my father but, sadly, Stanley did not.”
Strange Elevens
Bob Denley sent me this from Singapore: “ I have just read the latest Googlies in Singapore- my guess would be that they all were called up for an overseas tour-as a replacement- having missed out on the original selection. They then possibly played in the Test side.” A good but incorrect guess. The first correct answer was received from Martin Sneesby who succinctly responded: “ Played for Glamorgan without being born in Wales”.
The Great Jack Morgan is smarting from having his Strange XIs answered correctly in successive months. He has upped the ante with this bunch who are all eligible to wear the same Jazz Hat:
Ian Ward
Nigel Felton
David Hemp
Aftab Habib
Phil Slocombe
James Hildreth
Piran Holloway
Luke Sutton (w/k)
Wesley Durston
Simon Jones
Dean Cosker
Earlier Editions
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