GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 53
May 2007
Caption Competition
1. Fletch: So who did you want to open with?
2. Peg Leg: But Duncan, you never told us what Plan B was.
3. Fletch: What do you mean I can go and sit on the beach with Sven?
4. Peg Leg: It’s OK Duncan; just take plenty of positives away with you.
Delusory Matters
After he had accumulated 121 runs in his eight innings since his return from injury Peg Leg announced that it was just a matter of time before he came good and got runs because he was feeling good in the nets. Daaah! What is the matter with these people? Everyone feels good in the nets. That’s what they are for. I never felt better than when I had had Reg Fardon bowl at me in the indoor net at Finchley for twenty minutes. Nets are the kindest place in the world for a batsman, they are a sort of never-never land of opportunity. There is only one way you can get out in the nets and that is bowled and even then you can easily convince yourself that it was a no ball. Every slip, every error is pardoned as there are no fielders to catch the uppish shots, you don’t have to run, the wicket keeper is out of sight and there is no umpire to give you out LBW.
The whole area of central contracts as applied by Fletch has created a never-never land for the gang. However badly they perform, however much they throw away games that they have done enough to win they stand there saying that everything is alright because they are taking plenty of positives out of the experience. No they are not. Actually the truth is they never learn and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. But because they are sitting there with fat contracts it really doesn’t matter whether they win or lose, since management will keep picking the contracted players first (if you doubt this, why did Harmison play in the MCC opener at Lords?). What these guys need more than anything is proper match practice. Far too much is made of them playing too much cricket. They actually need less nets and more time in the middle. It is entirely inappropriate for Peg Leg to use international cricket to seek form. He should be playing some first class cricket and be scoring runs before being selected for the national side. But that won’t happen because he has a central contract. I don’t buy it that he is a mercurial captain either. The way his side contrives to lose does not bear that out. And what is he being compared with? Sick Note Banger and Freddie the Drunk. Who wouldn’t look good in such comparison?
After he made the above statement Peg Leg scored an inspiring 5 against Australia. Perhaps his run of form in the nets was beginning to wane.
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor has been making the most of this unseasonably good weather
The long dark, dismal nights in front of the TV now being over I resolved to take myself off, yesterday, to Headingley, to use my newly acquired Yorkshire County Cricket Club Membership Card ("incorporating Swipe card system"). I went with a chum who I hadn't seen for the best part of 20 years, who is a member of very much longer standing. It was an excellent days' cricket with Durham being bowled out for 274 and Yorkshire making a slightly nervy 50-2 at the close. Durham's "South African" captain Benkenstein was the batsman who caught the eye while the majority of the Yorkshire bowlers looked "up for it" as the fashionable expression has it. Hoggard bowled briskly with a fair amount of bounce as did Bresnan. Yorkshire feel they are rather spoilt for choice for opening bowlers (at least prior to the Tests) since they also fielded captain Gough and Shahzad while Gillespie and Kruis should soon be fit.
The bowling figures of the day, of course, were not from the quicks but from Adil Rashid who took 5 wickets. When, we pondered (cue the GJM) was the last time a leg-break bowler took 5 wickets at Headingley in April? When, come to that, did a leg-break bowler last take the field at Headingley in April?
In fact his first few overs (which brought two wickets) were a bit all over the place. He then settled onto a tidy length and of course didn't trouble the batsmen unduly. Later in the day, however he combined bowling a good line with bounce and turn and looked what he is - a very useful young cricketer.
Yorkshire, like most clubs, has a variety of categories of membership but, in addition, there are 5 "options" within the category structure. It's not quite as complicated as it sounds but I took out what I thought was the standard membership which gets you into the ground and the new "long room", etc. However my friend, who has been involved with Yorkshire for many years, is an "Executive" member. This, as you would deduce, gives you (for the best part of £1,000) lots of extra privileges, including a special Executive members stand from which to watch the game (just to the left of the "Rugby" stand as you look at it. You might have thought that was ok...but this is Yorkshire. The Executive members are not, it would be fair to say, an entirely harmonious bunch. One group "The Taverners" wanted to do their own catering and so left and set up shop at the other end of the ground. Being a faction of an elite category was not quite enough for my friend and his chums who have in turn formed another sub-set who get catering provided. To do this they moved into one of the boxes at the Kirkstall Lane end which they declared was "theirs" and all meet up there for, in effect, every day of every home game. This Executive2 club consists of just 14 people (13 men and one of those other sort) and they have a high old time. There is, I think, one of them who is under 70 but, as someone said to me: "It is like being permanently in the cast of Last of the Summer Wine."
I had a great day. They all attended a huge amount of cricket each year -both home and away - (and occasionally watched the game); otherwise they were eating, drinking and cracking jokes all day long. What a wonderful way to spend your life! Various people looked in during the day - checking that the Executive2 Club members didn't have any complaints (I rather gathered that their complaint productivity was quite high even by Yorkshire CCC members standards) and received warm and friendly welcomes. Included in this group of passing visitors was Geoff Cope who many will recall. Sad to say "Copey", while otherwise well, is almost blind and indeed he told me (at some length) about his visits to get his dog (apparently you go to see them when they are puppies to do some "bonding" and then take possession when they are trained up). He seemed a really nice man, full of jokes (as befitted the company) and very optimistic despite his disability.
Inevitably I was asked, at the end of the day, if I wanted to join this ultra exclusive set-up, and I have to say that if I had nothing else to do all summer it would be tempting. But in the end I declined, safe and smug in the knowledge that I had found possibly the one remaining association in the country for which I am still too young.
The South Hampstead Dinner 2007
When I met Steve Thompson at the annual South Hampstead dinner last month we concluded that it must be twenty-five years since we had attended our last one. However, there were plenty of familiar faces to make us feel at home including Allen Bruton, Alvin Nienow, Bob Peach, Terry Cordaroy, Roy Dodson, Wally Barratt and guests David Perrin and Peter Ray.
Brian Fuller, the new Chairman, proposed the customary nine o’clock toast for absent friends who had passed during the year. These were Beryl Wallis, the President’s wife, and Tiny Day who was also a member of Paddington.
Don Wallis, as the new President, was in the chair and he introduced the three speakers in his own inimitable style which, no doubt, had them wondering what they had let themselves in for. First up was the first eleven captain, James Williams, who Don enigmatically described as a latter-day Nigel Ross. A subsequently puzzled Williams summarised the 2006 season which featured neither promotion nor relegation for any of the sides, but which necessitated an escape for the third eleven which Watford were unable to emulate. He pointed out that playing numbers as a result of the thriving colts section were healthy enough for the club to have run a fourth eleven on a number of occasions. He also referred to a “sorting out” of certain disciplinary problems, which led to the expulsion of a number of players. Dipak Palmar later noted that this action had resulted in a fatwah being placed on Ken James.
David Perrin, Don Wallis, Dave Seward, Peter Ray and James Williams
Dipak Palmar was designated the task of welcoming the guests. He started by recording that since this was the fifteenth consecutive year that he had been required to perform this task there was little left to say. However, he managed to produce a witty and inventive speech. He confessed to being a wheeler-dealer who has traded in arms amongst other legal and illegal products, but none of which had given him as many sleepless nights as the task of installing a new computer recently at Ken James’ house. David Perrin had appeared wearing a Shepherds Bush blazer and tie to leave no one in any doubt where his affiliations lay. Dipak warmly greeted him and referred to him by his new title of Saint Perrin. Dipak greeted a bearded umpire with an ancient Indian saying. There were a few in the room with which it rang a bell but Dipak kindly translated for the rest of us explaining that loosely it meant that a man with a beard was either a paedophile or Father Christmas. He concluded that this guy better have a sack of presents with him.
Wally Barratt and Roy Dodson
Dave Seward from Rota CC and Old Monovians was the guest speaker who regaled us with tales of the east end of London. As a former schoolmaster he lamented the lack of discipline in modern day life and seems to be the only other person, besides me, who thinks that the proper disciplinary action for Freddie would have been for him to be sent home from the World Cup.
Ian MacIntosh
Ian MacIntosh has spent the last few years collating information from any available source to try to establish how many wickets he has taken for the club. He was recently able to announce that these now exceeded two thousand. The club decided to make a presentation to him to mark this notable achievement. This brought out the best in the President who took the opportunity not only to refer to the cricketing achievement but also to refer, at length, to Mac’s contribution in the clubhouse and more particularly around the bar. Mac was able to take away not only something for his sideboard but also his President’s kind words, which will remain forever etched in his memory.
During the evening reference was made to a number of improvements that were planned for the ground and clubhouse. These included the installation of a bowling machine and for one awful minute it seemed that the President was planning a comeback in the nets.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan is still unhappy about who will be doing what at Middlesex this season. He sent me this
You will have read the Crusader by now and assimilated the description of the role of Director of Cricket, which Ernie sees as “overseeing the professional game, the academy and youth squads”, but the professional game is run by Pybus (1st XI) and Pooley (2nd XI), while Radford runs the academy and all the age group teams also have coaches in place: so where is the role for Embers? The only other thing that he can think of is “working alongside the MCB in the development of cricket and coaching in schools, clubs and youth cricket”, which doesn’t sound like Director of Cricket territory to me and is anyway the MCB’s job. Is he being honest with us? Is there a secret role that he doesn’t want us to know about?
Paddington Matters
Denis Jones, the President of Paddington sent me this plea
Some juggling of dates has left us without fixtures on July 1st, and July 22nd, so if you also wish to use your publication as an emergency fixture bureau (I believe the C.C.C. one is in chaos at present), please feel free to publicise these dates!
Antigua Matters
The Shepherds Bush grapevine sent me the following interesting facts about the new SVR ground in Antigua:
The first overseas team to play there was Shepherds Bush CC; the second was Australia.
The first overseas openers to face a match ball there were: S. Kamalia and B. Colbeck; the second were M Hayden and A Gilchrist.
The first overseas captain was: T van Dyk; the second was R Ponting.
When A Gilchrist let a bye through, he became the first overseas keeper to do so on the ground.
When Australia decided not to have chicken rotis in nothing more than shorts in the afternoon, they broke with tradition for overseas visitors.
Moreover,
The first man to hit a four on the ground was S Kamalia.
The first man to get bowled on the ground was S Kamalia.
And the first man to urinate on the outfield was S Kamalia.
PPS Matters
Peter Ray has been catching up on his reading and then sent me this
It is truly amazing that we should have lost to South Africa after the world's number one ranked ODI batsman (as I keep reading; personally, given the choice, I think I might prefer to have Ponting in my side for at least a dozen reasons) had contributed a finely crafted 3 to our demanding total of 154. I am sure that, as usual, the side will draw valuable lessons from this experience and will be putting their hands up - what does that mean? - often in future.
In this year's Wisden, Peter Oborne has reviewed a number of books published in 2006. He says that "Andrew Strauss might come to regret writing an autobiography less than three years after his Test debut." (That reminds me of something Alec Bedser - if I may drop a name - said to me in a pub once, when I mentioned the excellent benefit the injury-prone Norman Graham of Kent had enjoyed. "Not too bad," rumbled the great man, "for someone who bowled as many overs in his bloody career as I used to get through in one bloody season.") "But he shows enough with this level-headed volume, Coming into Play, to suggest that in due course he might well be capable of producing a worthwhile book." I sense just a touch of faint praise there.
Then he continues, "The same cannot be said of his England colleague Kevin Pietersen, whose premature autobiography, Crossing the Boundary, for which Ebury Press paid a reported £300,000, is execrable. Pietersen demonstrates a primitive understanding of the complexities of the post-apartheid South Africa: his assertion that he was forced out by racial quotas is at best dubious and at worst self-serving. It is hard to overstate the banality of the ghosted prose: at one point he informs the reader that 'I like to buy the clothes I like.' This book is a study in narcissism, and should be avoided at all costs by people who care about the game of cricket."
In just a few lines, we have 'execrable;' 'primitive understanding;' 'dubious;' 'self-serving;' 'banality;' 'narcissism;' and 'should be avoided at all costs.' Wonderful! Clearly somebody with his heart in the right place, this Oborne, and I can feel mine warming vastly towards him as I sit and type. I shall take his advice, of course, and continue to buy only the splendid writings of the excellent Stephen Chalke.
George’s World Cup Competition When Robin Ager declined to participate in this exercise I replied “The Great Jack Morgan will be delighted with your curmudgeonly response with which he, of course, concurs.” He then responded “A school friend, with whom I have been disagreeing about the merits of the England rugby team, has described me as an old curmudgeon. Blimey, twice in a week: it must be true.”
The winner of the competition was Dick Crawshay, an Old Dane who lives in Australia. He will soon be the recipient of a copy of my newly published cricket scrapbook Imbroglio 2006.
Wembley Matters
When I asked Peter Ray to help with compiling the match report for the last issue in which Dav Whatmore scored a hundred for Wembley he sent me too much material for inclusion. I thought that you would enjoy his further reminiscences of the members of the Wembley side of that day:
Clive Robinson was a studious and rather constipated, left handed opening bat - he had to open or there was not enough time for him to get into double figures - who also offered quite respectable off spin on good days. He was one of the gully fielders when we came to the last over of the day at Winchmore Hill when I took all ten. They began the over seven down and with four points secure. I took a wicket with the first ball and Jack Adamson, the legger, came in. The wicket had been dying on me - I was on my long run trying to beat some life out of it - and the first three balls went straight on and Jack blocked them. As I picked the ball up after the fourth delivery, Jack said, "Not turning much today, Pete." I was furious and just as I walked past the other batsman; he asked the umpire how many were left. I snarled, "There's two to come. That's one for him and one for number bloody eleven." I nearly took my arm off trying to spin and cut the next one and happily it bit Jack on the glove and looped up. Clive had the time and the wit to say, "I think he turned that one, Jack" before he took the catch. Parrish, a good keeper but no batsman, stood in front of the fastest ball of the day and it was all over.
Dave Paramore, bespectacled, also a teacher, was made captain quite soon after joining. I remember him coming down the pitch to ask me to stop winding up Wayne Daniel - who had taken teeth the week before at Southgate and appeared willing to do so again on the helpful Wembley wicket. I had given him abuse when I bowled him off his pads with a quicker arm ball - something I now condemn, rightly, as an umpire (but not too much; we do play with a hard ball) and he remembered it and asked for the ball when I came in at the fall of the fifth wicket. I thought I was lbw first ball - it was far too fast for me and cut back and would have knocked out most of the three, but the umpire thought I had played a shot and was outside the line, he told me later - and realising that if he pitched up and straight I was gone, I gave Wayne some advice about getting back and trying to bowl straight etc., banking on him dropping it short. I was back and across well before he let go and he was still too quick. It went past my ear but I saw enough to pull out of line and so I called down the pitch to Paramore, "He's no trouble when he bowls short." Similar comments kept him trying to get the teeth again and after a while I started to shovel him over the keeper or to fine leg, running down the wicket, brandishing the bat and shouting, "Plenty, plenty." The thirds had finished their game and were coming up the ground back to the pavilion. Some of our mob, obviously talented players themselves, had the temerity to barrack me for not having enough time to play a proper hook! This was at a time before helmets, thigh pads, arm guards, and I also had real glass in my rimless specs. One such shot pitched in No Man's Land for the other quickie, the giant Peter Drake, who began to whimper in anticipation before it took him on the right knee and rebounded for four on the offside of the screen. He was carried off and took no further part in a game that we won by the five wickets to take ten points.
I resigned from Wembley through Paramore's attitude to me - too long to write it - but no sooner had I been offered cricket at Richmond than they 'phoned to say all was forgiven, Paramore had been appointed Deputy Head at a school in Scotland, and so I could go back. I told them that it was too late and I was now a Richmond member. Also partly by mistake, but that is also another long story.
John Evans is an enigma. He bowled slowish medium, but did swing the ball. For many years he courted the far less attractive of the two Burden daughters - the thought of the other one still causes a trickle of saliva down my chin even as I type this - and eventually they married. The entire club went to the reception. She left him after a week. Do not ask. It was never spoken about. Maupassant or Flaubert or somebody would do wonders with it.
Strange Elevens
Steve Caley, Nick Reed, Dipak Parmar, Charlie Puckett and Ian MacIntosh all correctly identified last month’s team as being first-class players who became umpires. Here is this month’s side for you to ponder:
Fleming
Strauss
Kallis
Joyce
Styris
Morgan
Dalrymple
Agarkar
Vaas
Clark
McGrath
All you have to do is find a Jazz Hat to fit them all.
Strange Matters
Nick Reed asked me: “A propos of very little is Trevor Jesty the best English player of recent years never to win a test cap?” I replied that I had no means of knowing but that Owais Shah must rank as one of the unluckier players to have been dropped and apparently forgotten after his magnificent debut and only test to date. It then struck me that such idle banter could provide an ongoing dialogue for those with a bent for such matters. So I offered the fact that Brad Hodge has had the extraordinary double misfortune of being dropped from the Australian test side after scoring a double century and from the ODI side after scoring a hundred.
Nick is obviously a repository of such gems and came back with:
A better known oddity is Mark Butcher's astonishing record of 71 test and no ODIs - surely a shoo-in for the best player of the ODI era never to have played one. I certainly can't think of a better sole international
than Shah's. I can offer you the alternative of Jack MacBryan, who has the unfortunate distinction of not having batted, bowled or taken a catch in his only test.
I will leave you for the time being with Nick’s poser:
“What is the notable achievement shared by David Lloyd, Robert Key and no other England international?”
Alcoholic and Medicinal matters
Whilst at the South Hampstead dinner Alvin Nienow was knocking them back before we sat down and explained that he had had a chest/heart problem a few years back and when he visited a doctor he was told that he should consume at least six units of alcohol a day. This is three times the amount that the BMA classifies as in the binge-drinking category. He mentioned that the consultation fee was quite high. I suggested that if he had doubled the fee the medic might have recommended twelve units a day. We then speculated that it was probably a ripe area for the Duckworth Lewis method to be applied. A couple of years later he went back to the practice and had to see his first choice doctor’s partner. Who told him that he must cut down on his alcohol consumption. Alvin protested that his partner had recommended six units a day. The doctor replied that he shouldn’t take any notice of his partner, who had caused many deaths through his quack theories.
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket – Number 45
For as far back as I can remember bowlers were given a small white disc by the umpire which enabled them to have a permanent marker (at least for the duration of their spell) for the beginning of their run up to the wicket. In circumstances where such an implement wasn’t available they would scratch a line on the turf with their boot studs to assist them. In never ceases to amaze both the non bowlers among us and the slower bowlers that having gone to the trouble of such precision they would then stroll several yards further back beyond this critical marker to commence their run up to the wicket. As a result they would often arrive in the wrong position and be called for a no ball.
The modern fast bowling coaches have taken too many bollockings from their head coaches in recent years as the no balls mount up and close ODIs are lost. They have saved up all their beer money and bribed the groundsmen at the World Cup to allow them to paint a white line which has been measured with a surveyor’s tape at exactly the right point for their precious charges to know exactly where to commence their run ups. To avoid any confusion they are even allowed to paint their initials alongside. So what do these pampered quicks do? They stroll another few yards beyond this personally dedicated marker and continue to bowl no balls. One half wit who presumably could not recognise his own initials commenced his run up from a redundant mark which had been used on an adjacent strip and found himself coming in to bowl at an angle that even John Price would have found acute.
Red Mist Matters The Red Mist Man of the Month for April was Banger who clubbed 256 from 117 balls for Somerset in a pre-season friendly against Devon. He hit 19 sixes and 25 fours at Taunton to help his side pile up 502-4 from 50 overs.
Adam Gilchrist hit eight sixes during his innings of 149 from 104 balls in the World Cup final. Perennial Red Mist man Ali Brown also hit eight in his 176 from 97 balls for Surrey against Gloucester at the Oval; whilst Rikki Clarke plundered 82 not out from just 28 balls as Surrey reached new one day heights with 496 for 4.
Old Danes Gathering
Shepherds Bush CC has agreed to host a gathering of Old Danes on Friday 27 July. This is the Friday of their Cricket Week. It will be an experimental event and could become an annual occasion if it proves popular. The following are some details:
World Cup Matters
The following was posted on the BBC web site long before the final debacle at the World Cup:
“The WC tournament organisers must be so pleased. Other than the absence of two of Pakistan's key players, the ridiculous schedule, poor quality pitches, unfinished stadia, largely empty stands, dearth of exciting matches, inept performances by the two best-supported teams, rip-off hotel prices and as yet unexplained death of one of the coaches, it's been a total success.”
Football Matters
Some of us can remember all too well that the only remedy for an injury sustained on the football pitch was a quick dose of the cold sponge. Andrew Baker has found that his ladies team are extremely reluctant to indulge in such masochism and prefer to cure their bumps and bruises with a little massage. Kelvin West snapped the following example at Wormwood Scrubs last weekend. He tells me that he went down himself clutching his leg immediately thereafter.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 53
May 2007
Caption Competition
1. Fletch: So who did you want to open with?
2. Peg Leg: But Duncan, you never told us what Plan B was.
3. Fletch: What do you mean I can go and sit on the beach with Sven?
4. Peg Leg: It’s OK Duncan; just take plenty of positives away with you.
- Fletch: Look at it this way Michael, we have had a six week all expenses paid holiday in the Caribbean.
- Peg Leg: David Beckman told me that it doesn’t matter how crap your performances are; you never get dropped and they just keep paying you more and more.
Delusory Matters
After he had accumulated 121 runs in his eight innings since his return from injury Peg Leg announced that it was just a matter of time before he came good and got runs because he was feeling good in the nets. Daaah! What is the matter with these people? Everyone feels good in the nets. That’s what they are for. I never felt better than when I had had Reg Fardon bowl at me in the indoor net at Finchley for twenty minutes. Nets are the kindest place in the world for a batsman, they are a sort of never-never land of opportunity. There is only one way you can get out in the nets and that is bowled and even then you can easily convince yourself that it was a no ball. Every slip, every error is pardoned as there are no fielders to catch the uppish shots, you don’t have to run, the wicket keeper is out of sight and there is no umpire to give you out LBW.
The whole area of central contracts as applied by Fletch has created a never-never land for the gang. However badly they perform, however much they throw away games that they have done enough to win they stand there saying that everything is alright because they are taking plenty of positives out of the experience. No they are not. Actually the truth is they never learn and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. But because they are sitting there with fat contracts it really doesn’t matter whether they win or lose, since management will keep picking the contracted players first (if you doubt this, why did Harmison play in the MCC opener at Lords?). What these guys need more than anything is proper match practice. Far too much is made of them playing too much cricket. They actually need less nets and more time in the middle. It is entirely inappropriate for Peg Leg to use international cricket to seek form. He should be playing some first class cricket and be scoring runs before being selected for the national side. But that won’t happen because he has a central contract. I don’t buy it that he is a mercurial captain either. The way his side contrives to lose does not bear that out. And what is he being compared with? Sick Note Banger and Freddie the Drunk. Who wouldn’t look good in such comparison?
After he made the above statement Peg Leg scored an inspiring 5 against Australia. Perhaps his run of form in the nets was beginning to wane.
Out and About with the Professor
The Professor has been making the most of this unseasonably good weather
The long dark, dismal nights in front of the TV now being over I resolved to take myself off, yesterday, to Headingley, to use my newly acquired Yorkshire County Cricket Club Membership Card ("incorporating Swipe card system"). I went with a chum who I hadn't seen for the best part of 20 years, who is a member of very much longer standing. It was an excellent days' cricket with Durham being bowled out for 274 and Yorkshire making a slightly nervy 50-2 at the close. Durham's "South African" captain Benkenstein was the batsman who caught the eye while the majority of the Yorkshire bowlers looked "up for it" as the fashionable expression has it. Hoggard bowled briskly with a fair amount of bounce as did Bresnan. Yorkshire feel they are rather spoilt for choice for opening bowlers (at least prior to the Tests) since they also fielded captain Gough and Shahzad while Gillespie and Kruis should soon be fit.
The bowling figures of the day, of course, were not from the quicks but from Adil Rashid who took 5 wickets. When, we pondered (cue the GJM) was the last time a leg-break bowler took 5 wickets at Headingley in April? When, come to that, did a leg-break bowler last take the field at Headingley in April?
In fact his first few overs (which brought two wickets) were a bit all over the place. He then settled onto a tidy length and of course didn't trouble the batsmen unduly. Later in the day, however he combined bowling a good line with bounce and turn and looked what he is - a very useful young cricketer.
Yorkshire, like most clubs, has a variety of categories of membership but, in addition, there are 5 "options" within the category structure. It's not quite as complicated as it sounds but I took out what I thought was the standard membership which gets you into the ground and the new "long room", etc. However my friend, who has been involved with Yorkshire for many years, is an "Executive" member. This, as you would deduce, gives you (for the best part of £1,000) lots of extra privileges, including a special Executive members stand from which to watch the game (just to the left of the "Rugby" stand as you look at it. You might have thought that was ok...but this is Yorkshire. The Executive members are not, it would be fair to say, an entirely harmonious bunch. One group "The Taverners" wanted to do their own catering and so left and set up shop at the other end of the ground. Being a faction of an elite category was not quite enough for my friend and his chums who have in turn formed another sub-set who get catering provided. To do this they moved into one of the boxes at the Kirkstall Lane end which they declared was "theirs" and all meet up there for, in effect, every day of every home game. This Executive2 club consists of just 14 people (13 men and one of those other sort) and they have a high old time. There is, I think, one of them who is under 70 but, as someone said to me: "It is like being permanently in the cast of Last of the Summer Wine."
I had a great day. They all attended a huge amount of cricket each year -both home and away - (and occasionally watched the game); otherwise they were eating, drinking and cracking jokes all day long. What a wonderful way to spend your life! Various people looked in during the day - checking that the Executive2 Club members didn't have any complaints (I rather gathered that their complaint productivity was quite high even by Yorkshire CCC members standards) and received warm and friendly welcomes. Included in this group of passing visitors was Geoff Cope who many will recall. Sad to say "Copey", while otherwise well, is almost blind and indeed he told me (at some length) about his visits to get his dog (apparently you go to see them when they are puppies to do some "bonding" and then take possession when they are trained up). He seemed a really nice man, full of jokes (as befitted the company) and very optimistic despite his disability.
Inevitably I was asked, at the end of the day, if I wanted to join this ultra exclusive set-up, and I have to say that if I had nothing else to do all summer it would be tempting. But in the end I declined, safe and smug in the knowledge that I had found possibly the one remaining association in the country for which I am still too young.
The South Hampstead Dinner 2007
When I met Steve Thompson at the annual South Hampstead dinner last month we concluded that it must be twenty-five years since we had attended our last one. However, there were plenty of familiar faces to make us feel at home including Allen Bruton, Alvin Nienow, Bob Peach, Terry Cordaroy, Roy Dodson, Wally Barratt and guests David Perrin and Peter Ray.
Brian Fuller, the new Chairman, proposed the customary nine o’clock toast for absent friends who had passed during the year. These were Beryl Wallis, the President’s wife, and Tiny Day who was also a member of Paddington.
Don Wallis, as the new President, was in the chair and he introduced the three speakers in his own inimitable style which, no doubt, had them wondering what they had let themselves in for. First up was the first eleven captain, James Williams, who Don enigmatically described as a latter-day Nigel Ross. A subsequently puzzled Williams summarised the 2006 season which featured neither promotion nor relegation for any of the sides, but which necessitated an escape for the third eleven which Watford were unable to emulate. He pointed out that playing numbers as a result of the thriving colts section were healthy enough for the club to have run a fourth eleven on a number of occasions. He also referred to a “sorting out” of certain disciplinary problems, which led to the expulsion of a number of players. Dipak Palmar later noted that this action had resulted in a fatwah being placed on Ken James.
David Perrin, Don Wallis, Dave Seward, Peter Ray and James Williams
Dipak Palmar was designated the task of welcoming the guests. He started by recording that since this was the fifteenth consecutive year that he had been required to perform this task there was little left to say. However, he managed to produce a witty and inventive speech. He confessed to being a wheeler-dealer who has traded in arms amongst other legal and illegal products, but none of which had given him as many sleepless nights as the task of installing a new computer recently at Ken James’ house. David Perrin had appeared wearing a Shepherds Bush blazer and tie to leave no one in any doubt where his affiliations lay. Dipak warmly greeted him and referred to him by his new title of Saint Perrin. Dipak greeted a bearded umpire with an ancient Indian saying. There were a few in the room with which it rang a bell but Dipak kindly translated for the rest of us explaining that loosely it meant that a man with a beard was either a paedophile or Father Christmas. He concluded that this guy better have a sack of presents with him.
Wally Barratt and Roy Dodson
Dave Seward from Rota CC and Old Monovians was the guest speaker who regaled us with tales of the east end of London. As a former schoolmaster he lamented the lack of discipline in modern day life and seems to be the only other person, besides me, who thinks that the proper disciplinary action for Freddie would have been for him to be sent home from the World Cup.
Ian MacIntosh
Ian MacIntosh has spent the last few years collating information from any available source to try to establish how many wickets he has taken for the club. He was recently able to announce that these now exceeded two thousand. The club decided to make a presentation to him to mark this notable achievement. This brought out the best in the President who took the opportunity not only to refer to the cricketing achievement but also to refer, at length, to Mac’s contribution in the clubhouse and more particularly around the bar. Mac was able to take away not only something for his sideboard but also his President’s kind words, which will remain forever etched in his memory.
During the evening reference was made to a number of improvements that were planned for the ground and clubhouse. These included the installation of a bowling machine and for one awful minute it seemed that the President was planning a comeback in the nets.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan is still unhappy about who will be doing what at Middlesex this season. He sent me this
You will have read the Crusader by now and assimilated the description of the role of Director of Cricket, which Ernie sees as “overseeing the professional game, the academy and youth squads”, but the professional game is run by Pybus (1st XI) and Pooley (2nd XI), while Radford runs the academy and all the age group teams also have coaches in place: so where is the role for Embers? The only other thing that he can think of is “working alongside the MCB in the development of cricket and coaching in schools, clubs and youth cricket”, which doesn’t sound like Director of Cricket territory to me and is anyway the MCB’s job. Is he being honest with us? Is there a secret role that he doesn’t want us to know about?
Paddington Matters
Denis Jones, the President of Paddington sent me this plea
Some juggling of dates has left us without fixtures on July 1st, and July 22nd, so if you also wish to use your publication as an emergency fixture bureau (I believe the C.C.C. one is in chaos at present), please feel free to publicise these dates!
Antigua Matters
The Shepherds Bush grapevine sent me the following interesting facts about the new SVR ground in Antigua:
The first overseas team to play there was Shepherds Bush CC; the second was Australia.
The first overseas openers to face a match ball there were: S. Kamalia and B. Colbeck; the second were M Hayden and A Gilchrist.
The first overseas captain was: T van Dyk; the second was R Ponting.
When A Gilchrist let a bye through, he became the first overseas keeper to do so on the ground.
When Australia decided not to have chicken rotis in nothing more than shorts in the afternoon, they broke with tradition for overseas visitors.
Moreover,
The first man to hit a four on the ground was S Kamalia.
The first man to get bowled on the ground was S Kamalia.
And the first man to urinate on the outfield was S Kamalia.
PPS Matters
Peter Ray has been catching up on his reading and then sent me this
It is truly amazing that we should have lost to South Africa after the world's number one ranked ODI batsman (as I keep reading; personally, given the choice, I think I might prefer to have Ponting in my side for at least a dozen reasons) had contributed a finely crafted 3 to our demanding total of 154. I am sure that, as usual, the side will draw valuable lessons from this experience and will be putting their hands up - what does that mean? - often in future.
In this year's Wisden, Peter Oborne has reviewed a number of books published in 2006. He says that "Andrew Strauss might come to regret writing an autobiography less than three years after his Test debut." (That reminds me of something Alec Bedser - if I may drop a name - said to me in a pub once, when I mentioned the excellent benefit the injury-prone Norman Graham of Kent had enjoyed. "Not too bad," rumbled the great man, "for someone who bowled as many overs in his bloody career as I used to get through in one bloody season.") "But he shows enough with this level-headed volume, Coming into Play, to suggest that in due course he might well be capable of producing a worthwhile book." I sense just a touch of faint praise there.
Then he continues, "The same cannot be said of his England colleague Kevin Pietersen, whose premature autobiography, Crossing the Boundary, for which Ebury Press paid a reported £300,000, is execrable. Pietersen demonstrates a primitive understanding of the complexities of the post-apartheid South Africa: his assertion that he was forced out by racial quotas is at best dubious and at worst self-serving. It is hard to overstate the banality of the ghosted prose: at one point he informs the reader that 'I like to buy the clothes I like.' This book is a study in narcissism, and should be avoided at all costs by people who care about the game of cricket."
In just a few lines, we have 'execrable;' 'primitive understanding;' 'dubious;' 'self-serving;' 'banality;' 'narcissism;' and 'should be avoided at all costs.' Wonderful! Clearly somebody with his heart in the right place, this Oborne, and I can feel mine warming vastly towards him as I sit and type. I shall take his advice, of course, and continue to buy only the splendid writings of the excellent Stephen Chalke.
George’s World Cup Competition When Robin Ager declined to participate in this exercise I replied “The Great Jack Morgan will be delighted with your curmudgeonly response with which he, of course, concurs.” He then responded “A school friend, with whom I have been disagreeing about the merits of the England rugby team, has described me as an old curmudgeon. Blimey, twice in a week: it must be true.”
The winner of the competition was Dick Crawshay, an Old Dane who lives in Australia. He will soon be the recipient of a copy of my newly published cricket scrapbook Imbroglio 2006.
Wembley Matters
When I asked Peter Ray to help with compiling the match report for the last issue in which Dav Whatmore scored a hundred for Wembley he sent me too much material for inclusion. I thought that you would enjoy his further reminiscences of the members of the Wembley side of that day:
Clive Robinson was a studious and rather constipated, left handed opening bat - he had to open or there was not enough time for him to get into double figures - who also offered quite respectable off spin on good days. He was one of the gully fielders when we came to the last over of the day at Winchmore Hill when I took all ten. They began the over seven down and with four points secure. I took a wicket with the first ball and Jack Adamson, the legger, came in. The wicket had been dying on me - I was on my long run trying to beat some life out of it - and the first three balls went straight on and Jack blocked them. As I picked the ball up after the fourth delivery, Jack said, "Not turning much today, Pete." I was furious and just as I walked past the other batsman; he asked the umpire how many were left. I snarled, "There's two to come. That's one for him and one for number bloody eleven." I nearly took my arm off trying to spin and cut the next one and happily it bit Jack on the glove and looped up. Clive had the time and the wit to say, "I think he turned that one, Jack" before he took the catch. Parrish, a good keeper but no batsman, stood in front of the fastest ball of the day and it was all over.
Dave Paramore, bespectacled, also a teacher, was made captain quite soon after joining. I remember him coming down the pitch to ask me to stop winding up Wayne Daniel - who had taken teeth the week before at Southgate and appeared willing to do so again on the helpful Wembley wicket. I had given him abuse when I bowled him off his pads with a quicker arm ball - something I now condemn, rightly, as an umpire (but not too much; we do play with a hard ball) and he remembered it and asked for the ball when I came in at the fall of the fifth wicket. I thought I was lbw first ball - it was far too fast for me and cut back and would have knocked out most of the three, but the umpire thought I had played a shot and was outside the line, he told me later - and realising that if he pitched up and straight I was gone, I gave Wayne some advice about getting back and trying to bowl straight etc., banking on him dropping it short. I was back and across well before he let go and he was still too quick. It went past my ear but I saw enough to pull out of line and so I called down the pitch to Paramore, "He's no trouble when he bowls short." Similar comments kept him trying to get the teeth again and after a while I started to shovel him over the keeper or to fine leg, running down the wicket, brandishing the bat and shouting, "Plenty, plenty." The thirds had finished their game and were coming up the ground back to the pavilion. Some of our mob, obviously talented players themselves, had the temerity to barrack me for not having enough time to play a proper hook! This was at a time before helmets, thigh pads, arm guards, and I also had real glass in my rimless specs. One such shot pitched in No Man's Land for the other quickie, the giant Peter Drake, who began to whimper in anticipation before it took him on the right knee and rebounded for four on the offside of the screen. He was carried off and took no further part in a game that we won by the five wickets to take ten points.
I resigned from Wembley through Paramore's attitude to me - too long to write it - but no sooner had I been offered cricket at Richmond than they 'phoned to say all was forgiven, Paramore had been appointed Deputy Head at a school in Scotland, and so I could go back. I told them that it was too late and I was now a Richmond member. Also partly by mistake, but that is also another long story.
John Evans is an enigma. He bowled slowish medium, but did swing the ball. For many years he courted the far less attractive of the two Burden daughters - the thought of the other one still causes a trickle of saliva down my chin even as I type this - and eventually they married. The entire club went to the reception. She left him after a week. Do not ask. It was never spoken about. Maupassant or Flaubert or somebody would do wonders with it.
Strange Elevens
Steve Caley, Nick Reed, Dipak Parmar, Charlie Puckett and Ian MacIntosh all correctly identified last month’s team as being first-class players who became umpires. Here is this month’s side for you to ponder:
Fleming
Strauss
Kallis
Joyce
Styris
Morgan
Dalrymple
Agarkar
Vaas
Clark
McGrath
All you have to do is find a Jazz Hat to fit them all.
Strange Matters
Nick Reed asked me: “A propos of very little is Trevor Jesty the best English player of recent years never to win a test cap?” I replied that I had no means of knowing but that Owais Shah must rank as one of the unluckier players to have been dropped and apparently forgotten after his magnificent debut and only test to date. It then struck me that such idle banter could provide an ongoing dialogue for those with a bent for such matters. So I offered the fact that Brad Hodge has had the extraordinary double misfortune of being dropped from the Australian test side after scoring a double century and from the ODI side after scoring a hundred.
Nick is obviously a repository of such gems and came back with:
A better known oddity is Mark Butcher's astonishing record of 71 test and no ODIs - surely a shoo-in for the best player of the ODI era never to have played one. I certainly can't think of a better sole international
than Shah's. I can offer you the alternative of Jack MacBryan, who has the unfortunate distinction of not having batted, bowled or taken a catch in his only test.
I will leave you for the time being with Nick’s poser:
“What is the notable achievement shared by David Lloyd, Robert Key and no other England international?”
Alcoholic and Medicinal matters
Whilst at the South Hampstead dinner Alvin Nienow was knocking them back before we sat down and explained that he had had a chest/heart problem a few years back and when he visited a doctor he was told that he should consume at least six units of alcohol a day. This is three times the amount that the BMA classifies as in the binge-drinking category. He mentioned that the consultation fee was quite high. I suggested that if he had doubled the fee the medic might have recommended twelve units a day. We then speculated that it was probably a ripe area for the Duckworth Lewis method to be applied. A couple of years later he went back to the practice and had to see his first choice doctor’s partner. Who told him that he must cut down on his alcohol consumption. Alvin protested that his partner had recommended six units a day. The doctor replied that he shouldn’t take any notice of his partner, who had caused many deaths through his quack theories.
Irritating Trends in Modern Cricket – Number 45
For as far back as I can remember bowlers were given a small white disc by the umpire which enabled them to have a permanent marker (at least for the duration of their spell) for the beginning of their run up to the wicket. In circumstances where such an implement wasn’t available they would scratch a line on the turf with their boot studs to assist them. In never ceases to amaze both the non bowlers among us and the slower bowlers that having gone to the trouble of such precision they would then stroll several yards further back beyond this critical marker to commence their run up to the wicket. As a result they would often arrive in the wrong position and be called for a no ball.
The modern fast bowling coaches have taken too many bollockings from their head coaches in recent years as the no balls mount up and close ODIs are lost. They have saved up all their beer money and bribed the groundsmen at the World Cup to allow them to paint a white line which has been measured with a surveyor’s tape at exactly the right point for their precious charges to know exactly where to commence their run ups. To avoid any confusion they are even allowed to paint their initials alongside. So what do these pampered quicks do? They stroll another few yards beyond this personally dedicated marker and continue to bowl no balls. One half wit who presumably could not recognise his own initials commenced his run up from a redundant mark which had been used on an adjacent strip and found himself coming in to bowl at an angle that even John Price would have found acute.
Red Mist Matters The Red Mist Man of the Month for April was Banger who clubbed 256 from 117 balls for Somerset in a pre-season friendly against Devon. He hit 19 sixes and 25 fours at Taunton to help his side pile up 502-4 from 50 overs.
Adam Gilchrist hit eight sixes during his innings of 149 from 104 balls in the World Cup final. Perennial Red Mist man Ali Brown also hit eight in his 176 from 97 balls for Surrey against Gloucester at the Oval; whilst Rikki Clarke plundered 82 not out from just 28 balls as Surrey reached new one day heights with 496 for 4.
Old Danes Gathering
Shepherds Bush CC has agreed to host a gathering of Old Danes on Friday 27 July. This is the Friday of their Cricket Week. It will be an experimental event and could become an annual occasion if it proves popular. The following are some details:
- It is for all Old Danes not just cricketers.
- Old Danes of all generations will be welcome.
- I have only limited contact with Old Danes through Googlies. Please help spread the word through your own contacts.
- The cricket match starts at 2pm but Old Danes will be welcome throughout the day. It is hoped that Old Danes who have to work that day will be able to join us in the evening. The bar will be open till late.
- To help us prepare for the event, if you are planning to attend please email me ([email protected]) and give me your dates at the school (e.g. Jim Sharp 1959-66).
- Shepherds Bush CC is now located in East Acton on the playing field adjacent to its former ground. Access to the new ground is via Bromyard Avenue.
World Cup Matters
The following was posted on the BBC web site long before the final debacle at the World Cup:
“The WC tournament organisers must be so pleased. Other than the absence of two of Pakistan's key players, the ridiculous schedule, poor quality pitches, unfinished stadia, largely empty stands, dearth of exciting matches, inept performances by the two best-supported teams, rip-off hotel prices and as yet unexplained death of one of the coaches, it's been a total success.”
Football Matters
Some of us can remember all too well that the only remedy for an injury sustained on the football pitch was a quick dose of the cold sponge. Andrew Baker has found that his ladies team are extremely reluctant to indulge in such masochism and prefer to cure their bumps and bruises with a little massage. Kelvin West snapped the following example at Wormwood Scrubs last weekend. He tells me that he went down himself clutching his leg immediately thereafter.
Googlies and Chinamen
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Broad Lee House
Combs
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Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
