GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 89
May 2010
Caption Competition
Paul Collingwood: Did you get any runs in the IPL, Kev?
KP: No. How about you?
Paul Collingwood: No, I didn’t either.
KP: Still the money is good isn’t it?
Paul Collingwood: Owais got some runs.
KP: Don’t worry about him. He’s history. We’re the only ones who get runs for England.
Paul Collingwood. Er, er, er, well that’s not quite true. I get plenty but its ages since you scored any.
KP: Rubbish. I got some against Bangladesh and I’ll soon have that South African Trott out of the side once he’s bored everyone blocking all day. I’ll get some in the 20/20 World Cup.
Paul Collingwood: I thought your wife was having a baby and you wouldn’t be going?
KP: No I’ll come home from the trip and leave you lot to it.
Paul Collingwood: It hardly seems worth bothering going?
KP: I need the money.
Out and About with the Professor The first day of county cricket at Headingley is always full of expectation, although not necessarily, this being Yorkshire, optimism.
I went along, suitably accoutred (hat, scarf, and gloves) and saw an interesting days play. The ground looked in good shape – the “iconic” new pavilion nearing completion and, had the sun ever shined, all would have been right with the world.
Yorkshire have a new captain, Gale, and a very young side, ten of whom, the members are delighted to point out, were born in Yorkshire. Jacques Rudolph is of course the odd man out but he has been around long enough to have honorary Yorkshire status.
The Yorkshire purity of the team is not however so much a matter of policy as the shambolic attempt to sign an overseas player. The sublime organisational skills of the White Rose administrators (this is the team that, for example, failed to register Azeem Rafiq, leading to the abandonment of a match against Durham before a ball had been bowled) had first signed the Australian all-rounder Ryan Harris. Prescient in all things, they suspected that Harris might be used in the Aussie one-day squad and went for Daryl Tuffey as cover. More or less as the ink was dry Harris was drafted into the national side and then a couple of weeks later Tuffey broke his hand. Where to now?
Well the Aussies did agree to release Harris but on condition that Yorkshire “rested” him until the end of May. The insane ECB programme means that the end of May is exactly half way through Yorkshire’s county programme. Not a lot of use that.
So is anyone else available? The Great Jack Morgan has retired, Sharp J is very busy and I have a bad knee, so…step forward Tino Best. Not the calmest of temperaments, as I recall, he might be a test for young Gale…if, of course, he turns up.
Out on the pitch, Yorkshire took the field and gradually whittled away the opposition helped, in no small part, by umpire Mallender who gave 4 LBWs. Sitting where I was it was difficult to judge the quality of these decisions, although at least two looked a long way down, but the alarming thing was the speed with which he made the decision. These days, pace Buckner, we are used to some contemplation…then a pause…then a nod…and finally a slowly rising digit. This might be a bit languorous for some tastes but Mallender is the other extreme. There is scarcely time for the appeal to be made before his finger is up. Indeed, for one LB it looked like he was appealing too. I think if I had to choose between the extremes I would be much more comfortable with at least the display of a bit of thought.
There seem to be a number of good young cricketers getting into county teams at present and, in Surrey’s case, captaining them. It will be interesting to see how they do. Bairstow, for example, is obviously a very handy bat but his keeping on this day wasn’t too special. Shazad was decidedly brisk and Hannon-Dalby was awkward.
But the highlight of the day was, however, the innings of the opposition captain. Economy of movement, wonderful timing, he blasted anything full through cover and extra and milked short stuff through third man (who of course wasn’t there). He made a chanceless hundred and was, and is, a class ahead of anything else on the field. Eventually he fell to the hair-triggered Mallender.
The good news is that he is English and would walk into the national side.
The bad news is his name…Marcus Trescothick.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan has plenty to say now that the season has started
Now I hear that Middlesex have taken on Pedro Collins, who will add variety and has a decent career bowling average of around 27 and I have to admit that it is hard to find ways of strengthening the attack so close to the start of the season, but it has to be said that he had a couple of ordinary seasons at Surrey which yielded only 16 wickets at 31 last year and 27 wickets at 41 in 2008, though bowling at the Oval is an unenviable task for anyone. His career batting average of around 6 makes him a no 11 in any company; this is a slot for which there will be terrific competition this season.
In contrast, Middlesex put in a dire effort at Worcester, whom I had thought might be one of the weaker teams... but they were certainly stronger than Middlesex. In amongst all the dross, there was an incredible performance from Finny. This really was something special: 14 for 106 in the match including a startling 9 for 37 in the second innings and I wish I had been there to see it. Has he really made such a big leap forward this winter? Has he got stronger, quicker, more hostile, and more accurate? I hope to find out at Lord's on Thursday, but I still need to be convinced. Nobody else did much at all, with only Dawid passing fifty. We were without Owais and Eoin (IPL) and Dexy (injured) which made the batting look thin. Toby R-J was twelfth man, so presumably Evans and Williams are injured again, which makes the bowling look thin too. Apparently, Pedro is expected next week. Richo took 6 for 76 in the match for Worcs.
I saw all four days of the Middlesex v Glamorgan match at Lord's in some pretty good mid- April weather. In my opinion, Middlesex lost the match on the first day when they bowled badly in conditions that were ideally suited to seam bowlers. The pitch was extremely green and offered considerable movement off the seam and more bounce than I have seen in a Lord's pitch for many a decade. However, Middlesex allowed Mike Powell (55), Jim Allenby (57) and Mark Wallace (79*), a man who only ever scores runs in London, to build a total of 315, roughly double the score to which they should have been restricted.
Middlesex then emphasised the truth of this by getting skittled by journeymen seamers David Harrison, 5-62, and Jim Allenby, 4-29, (career bowling averages 37 and 33 respectively) for a pathetic 160. The Middlesex batting effort was probably even worse than the bowling, but then the batting was severely depleted by the absences of Shah, Morgan and Dexter. Shah might be back soon, but we will have to wait longer for the other two.
The bowlers did a little better in the Glamorgan second innings, but Dean Cosker's 49* took them up to 219 a/o which gave them a formidable lead of 374. Gareth Berg was the most successful of the home bowlers with 7 for 131 in the match. With 157 overs available to reach the target of 375 and the wicket getting easier, some thought that Middlesex had a fair chance of winning, but that idea was soon banished when 2 wickets went down with only one extra on the board. The target was certainly achievable in my view if the batsmen got their heads down and this was confirmed by an excellent stand of 143 between Andy Strauss (69) and Dawid Malan (115), but these two were the only batters who showed the necessary technique, discipline and concentration to accomplish the task. Most of the others offered brief cameos, but several got themselves out to dreadful shots and even Straussy succumbed to an ugly cross-batted slog against a straight one from Dalrymple. When 157 overs are available to chase down a gettable total, rash shots should be totally banned: this target could have been achieved by disciplined batting on an easing wicket, but only Malan showed the necessary application. Yet another journeyman seamer, Huw Waters (career bowling average 38), did the damage, taking 4 for 39; what will happen when we meet some class bowlers? Glamorgan won their first championship match at Lord’s for 56 years. Sack the manager! Do not travel more than 100 yards to watch this team!
Middlesex managed a much better effort at Northampton and it was great to see Scott Newman finally returning to form. Much credit also goes to Simmo for getting his head down (which he did not do against Glamorgan) and steering Middlesex to a decent total; but this does not mean that I am now a fan of his keeping. Great to see Danny back (I O’B apparently has a slight “groin strain” and Danny took 7 wickets in the recent 2s game at Northampton) as well with five wickets: how Dan would have loved that bouncy wicket at Lord's last week! But it all went sour in the end, of course, as Northants chased down nearly 400 to win. Three defeats out of three: the spoon looms ever larger. The lads have played three ordinary sides and lost to each of them!
Dream Teams and Strange Elevens
The Great Jack Morgan is in a strangely conciliatory mood
Unbalanced Teams (Part 93): I wouldn't like to upset Paddy C (and yes, I am jealous that he has two Test Match keepers in his team, but I just knew the two-keepers strategy would catch on), but how can he select a team with five seamers, two wicket keepers and no spinner when he has a Test Match spinner on the sidelines? If Paddy is worried about upsetting one of his pace bowlers, then perhaps I might be permitted to suggest that he could leave out Fred because, being dead, he won't give a toss! The left arm swing of Paul Taylor (yet another Test player) would also have added some much needed variety to an exclusively right-armed attack; the difficulty here might be getting someone to tell Charlie that he is not playing! Do you think I should stop slagging off other people's teams? Oh, I get it: Bob Proctor picks teams for 12-a-side games, is that it? Or do they allow subs to come on for a bowl in first class matches in Oz?
Here's a shock! I've got a Strange XI for you:
Scott Newman
Michael Brown
Mark Ramprakash
Abdul Razzaq
Andy Needham
Mark Feltham
Tom Smith
Ben Scott (w)
Tim Murtagh
Mike Selvey
Pedro Collins
The balance is quite good too, with five seamers, but also two spinners and (I'm always keen to be in fashion) two keepers (don't forget that Michael Brown has kept in a first class match).
Surrey Matters
When Middlesex play away the Great Jack Morgan is lured to Surrey matches
It was surprisingly warm and sunny here, so I went to the Oval to see Surrey lose to Derbyshire, for whom skipper Chris Rogers starred with scores of 200 and 140*. Surrey really missed their chance on day one when they could not take advantage of conditions helpful to seam bowling and despite a record number of appeals; they allowed Derbyshire to reach 306 for 5 at the close. Conditions had eased by the time Surrey batted, but although Mark Ramprakash (102), Steve Davies (55) and Gareth Batty (65) did well, they conceded a lead of 99 and Rogers's second innings declaration set them 374 to win, which they never looked likely to approach once Ramps had fallen for a rare globe. Davies made his second fifty of the match, but they collapsed badly to lose by 208. For Derbyshire, all-rounder Greg Smith is a very useful cricketer and contributed 86 runs and took 6 wickets for 93 in the match, while South African Test slow left armer Robin Peterson took 6 for 119 in the match. Surrey might struggle on this form, but should improve when Chris Jordan, Michael Brown and Chris Tremlett are fit to play. Tremlett is not exactly unfit, but his "workload is being managed" according to Surrey. Several foxes were observed during the match including a very pregnant female looking for a place to give birth. April 9th was, of course, a new "earliest ever" record, the previous earliest being April 14th 2007.
I made it to Whitgift School in sunny, but very cold weather and saw Surrey's first innings of 493 (Rory Hamilton-Brown 125, Steve Davies 137) very nearly equalled by Worcs. Initially, it looked as if the visitors were in deep trouble as openers Daryl Mitchell and Phil Jaques both fell without a run on the board, but skipper Vikram Solanki and 22 year old Moeen Ali rebuilt the innings, slowly at first, but then fluently as they put on 223 before Solanki went for 114. Ali went on to 126 and the runs continued to flow as Namibian Alex Kervezee (68), ex-England candidate Ben Smith (what's he doing down at no 6? 80) and Middlesex loanee Ben Scott (what's he doing up at no 7? 55) took the score up to 459 for 5, but then a severe collapse saw the last 5 wickets fall for 6 runs, giving Surrey a lead of 28. Skipper Rory showed great faith in his two Test Match spinners, Chris Schofield and Gareth Batty (and Vic Marks tells us that there was considerable turn for all four of Surrey's spinners), but this was not apparent from the boundary (one cannot get behind the arm at Whitgift) as the quartet were belted around Croydon to the tune of 3 for 273! It was hard to see a result being achieved, but credit must go to Rory for an enterprising approach and his declaration at 239-8 (Ramps 82, Davies 69*), which set Worcestershire 268 in about 58 overs and, in theory, gave both teams a chance of winning. Worcestershire, however, got off to another dreadful start (Phil Jaques recording a rare pair) and settled for the draw, which looked comfortable at 161-5 (Moeen 70*), but ended in a certain amount of consternation as 3 wickets fell for 7 runs and Worcestershire survived with 2 wickets standing.
Daft Laws
The Professor copied me in on an email he sent to Douglas Miller
“I see the MCC has been mucking about with the Laws again.
Most seem sensible and I was particularly pleased to see the question of the "airborne" batsman who had already made his ground being given immunity from a run out. You may recall we discussed this in the Windies. Pity the Club has not taken the opportunity to abolish leg byes and the ridiculous change in the backing-up regulations. Still...one step at a time. The one about hit wicket when your bat has broken seems a bit harsh but I suppose it is at least clear. I imagine that umpires up and down the country are all longing for an occasion when they can put it into practice.
Less clear is the bad light change. Umpires can now come off if the conditions are "unreasonable". What does that mean? Helpfully we are told that "unreasonable" means "inappropriate". Umm...seems to exchange one mystery for another. While the decision to abandon the practice of "offering the light to the batsmen" is to be welcomed there still appear to be problems about what the Law means in practice. We are told that "unreasonable" is not the same as "not ideal" (obviously) and also, in the same Law, that "unreasonable" means: "it would not be sensible to proceed" (which it sort of does). So, three different attempts to establish what the word means.
Tell me, do these definitions of "unreasonable" seem to you to be reasonable?
More to the point, will it keep the umpires on the ground?
I trust you are enjoying edition 147 - how many mistakes have you found so far?
I replied
Presumably all this is from your perusal of the new edition which I do not have access to yet. It seems to me that increasingly there is a need for different laws for televised matches and others. The niceties of whether a bat is airborne or grounded is unlikely to have ever exercised an umpire in Gunnersbury Park but of course is of critical importance to the commentators of televised cricket. One of the problems is that the commentators get bored. This is probably because, unlike other people who have to watch a whole day's play, they have to do it sober. So perhaps we can overcome these endless picking over the laws by providing booze in the commentary box. This applies to all except bad light which should be done away with completely as a concept.
In due course Douglas sent this
It's not really MCC driving the whole thing, though I believe that the Club is a useful check much as the Lords is with legislation. I slightly fear for situations where the teams want to play but the umpires don't. However, I think that the change is probably sensible to create a sensibly consistent standard and to avoid tactical withdrawal from the field. Umpires have always had to come off if the conditions are dangerous or unreasonable rather than 'unsuitable', which is at present the time when the teams are offered the option to come off - batting side only if it is light. So judgments have always had to be made - between two umpires before it comes to the teams. What is dangerous driving? What is careless driving? What is an unreasonable view to hold on the economy? What is an unreasonable demand to place on a student? Or a lecturer? The law has always had the concept of the man on the Clapham omnibus. So, in a way, does cricket.
The Professor concluded this exchange
Slightly disappointing response from Douglas - I was hoping for something less sensible.
Wooden Spoon Matters
Whilst waiting for the ash to disperse I posed the following questions to Jim Revier:
Who has had the worse start to the season- Middlesex or Surrey? Who are favourites for the re-election spot?
He replied:
“As you well know neither Middlesex nor Surrey have ever "won" the spoon. They have both embarked on this campaign seemingly determined to do so. What a triumph that would be for young Hamilton-Brown in his first season in charge at the Oval. However, the draw with Worcestershire has tilted the balance in Middlesex's favour, who, admirably allowed Northants to comfortably chase down 390. Stephen Peters was dropped four times in his career best 183 and it is this sort of display that could see the spoon descend out of the volcanic ash onto Lords. A wind change could, of course, send it hurtling to Bristol where Gloucestershire have previous on wooden spoon matters.
One of the pleasures (nay duties) on opening a new Wisden in April is to read about the previous season’s Surrey triumphs (7th in Div 2 in case you'd forgotten, with a single victory. However, an improvement on the previous year when there were no victories, albeit in Div 1). David Llewellyn's review of the season is succinct and in the main disparaging. He writes of the bowling - “The desperate late signings of Richard Logan, Jimmy Anyon and the Sri Lankan Test slow left armer Rangana Herath produced pitiful returns. Pedro Collins contributed next to nothing and was released."
What is remarkable is that Anyon, Herath and Collins have all managed to find employment at Sussex, Hants and Middlesex respectively this season. Llewellyn again "it is also vital that Chris Jordan sharpens up and gets fitter". Well, whatever Master Jordan was doing to remedy this during the winter it didn’t work as he is out for at least the first six weeks of the season (or the first half of the championship season). Surrey's signing of Chris Tremlett has also not gone well. Just seven games for Hants last year and yet to start this season, his "workload is being managed” in Surrey speak. I understand that he is due to debut in the 2s this week. Michael Brown, too, had a jolly winter. Encouraged by the Surrey coaches to change his technique (Why? He was one of our few successes last year) as a result, he has developed a form of tennis elbow and he, too, is out for six weeks.
Jon Batty in DL's words" rounded off another consistent season with a couple of hundreds.." and then was allowed to go to Gloucestershire after the chocolate hatters signed Steve Davies. Davies however has started well and will need to continue to help Ramps shore up the top order. After a ton in his first knock the great man's standards have slipped, amidst rumours of differences with the new captain and an upcoming divorce. Plus every time he walks out to bat he knows he needs to get a ton to give us any chance of a draw.
Surrey also recruited Piyush Chawla the young Indian leg spinner but due to the IPL and Test calls he looks unlikely to turn out at all. Well at least Rory has managed a ton in the CC and got 82 in a victorious run chase to win a 40 over game. This was his first 50 in a one day game at his 38th attempt and makes all Ovalites a lot happier about paying him £400,000 - 450,000 over 3 years. These figures also come from Wisden. Any ideas on an average county wage?”
Agony Matters
From Neil of Shepherds Bush
Dear Arthur,
I have been manager at Loftus Road for over a month now and am feeling particularly vulnerable because of this longevity of tenure. I dream of P45s and being interviewed for the Portsmouth job. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Dear Neil,
You need to steep yourself in Rangers history and folklore. Familiarise yourself with the Rangers teams of the late sixties and seventies. Pepper your conversation with reference to the double in 1967, Rodney Marsh, Stan Bowles, Gerry Francis, Terry Venables, Dave Sexton and Tony Currie. Your lucky number is ten and you need to create your own inheritor of this magic shirt. Akos Buzsaky is your man. Change his number to ten and get your family members spread around the crowd chanting Aaaakos, Aaaaakos every time he does anything. You will soon find that you don’t have to do much yourself since the owners wouldn’t dare upsetting this nirvana.
Arthur
From Gordon of Westminster
Dear Arthur,
I have single handedly run this country for nearly fourteen years. Everyone knows that I am the only man who can lead it forward. I don’t know why they are even giving air time to those fresh faced upstarts Clegg and Cameron. I should have changed the electoral system so that I could stay PM whatever the outcome of the polls. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Dear Gordon,
You pompous oaf. You are unelected and unwanted. You cocked up the economy, failed to control the financial sector and didn’t have the balls to go to the country when you could have received a mandate. You are a disgrace and the sooner you buggar off back to haggis land the better.
Arthur
Rugby Matters
The Professor has been lured into strange venues over the winter
It is quite possible that you have not been following closely the relegation struggle at the foot of the Guinness Premiership. Nor indeed, until a couple of weeks’ ago, had I, when I went with two friends (both dedicated Googlies readers) to see high-flying Northampton Saints defeat Leeds and leave my local team facing the drop.
The “Leeds” in question here is Leeds Carnegie, the rugby union side, not Leeds Rhinos who play the more static “league” code. Somewhat confusingly, Leeds Carnegie were until recently called “Leeds Tykes”. The name change was doubtless driven by the need for consistency: Leeds Carnegie play at the Leeds Carnegie stadium which, as all Googlies readers will know, abuts the Headingley Carnegie cricket ground with its new Carnegie pavilion. Just why almost everything around here should be named after a nineteenth centenary American robber-baron is a mystery I hope never to resolve.
The “crunch match” took place last weekend against Worcester Warriors. Having had a taste from the earlier match, I went along. Two things strike you in watching live rugby. The first is that the pitch is much smaller than appears on TV and the goal kicks don’t disappear into the middle distance, and the second is that the players are much bigger…very much bigger, indeed they are huge. In a scrappy first half Leeds’ principal tactic was to give the ball to their Number 8, an enormous and terrifying man called Alfie To’Oala Vaeluaga. I understand that Mr Vaeluaga is not a long established resident of the West Riding – indeed it would be somewhat alarming (and decidedly unsafe) to bump into him emerging from the municipal art gallery, or wherever he goes for diversion and amusement. It normally required two or three men to stop Mr Vaeluaga with the resulting gaps in the defence being available for exploitation. The upshot was that while he was on the park Leeds established a comfortable lead. However his substitution brought Worcester back into it and a freakish bounce of the “ball” (why do they play with such an odd-shaped thing – was it that shape when William Webb-Ellis picked it up?) handed them a try. The last ten minutes saw Leeds holding on and the last 30 seconds a very long range penalty attempt that fell well short and condemned the “Warriors” to battles in a lower division.
The whole thing was, at the end, rather exciting, with the “record” crowd of over 10,000 urging the team on. Notwithstanding my new-found parochial patriotism, I could not bring myself to join in the chant of: “We love Leeds” – indeed I thought the Worcester fans had the better of the chanting competition in that their “Come on you Warriors” was sung to the tune of La Donna E Mobile. I was rather taken by this cultural element until I remembered that the West Ham fans once used the same tune to chant the praises of their then centre forward, Paolo di Canio. I may be wrong, but I suspect that the exposure of the good folk at the Boleyn Ground to the works of Verdi has not been extensive.
A slightly sour note at the end was the attack by the Worcester Number 7, a man called Cracknell, on a member of the public. One of the abiding concerns in football is the possibility of a spectator assault on a player. In rugby, no one in their right mind would even dream about facing up to the likes of Mr Vaeluaga…it would indeed be the stuff of nightmares. If you had such a dream, the only recourse would be to wake up and apologise. However, it appeared that some harsh words were said at the end of the game and Mr Cracknell pulled an elderly man over the fence and onto the pitch and would, had team-mates not restrained him, punched him as he lay on the floor. All very unsavoury and not at all the kind of thing that the peace-loving residents of Leeds are used to seeing. So, Premiership rugby for us next year and woe for the western Warriors.
Yorkshire Matters
Eric Stephens alerts us to critical information missed by the Professor
Firstly, I continue to enjoy the magazine. However, I would have thought that the reporting of the Yorkshire AGM should have at least contained a report of the new member elected to the Members Committee. All five local radio stations in God's County covered this every hour between 1200 and 1700. Also the new member gave a very intelligent, witty, unscripted thank-you to the adoring fans!
Secondly, and less seriously, do you remember a Surrey league club (I think Mitcham) having the league title removed from them for batting too long on the last day and killing the match when only a draw was required. Typical pufta approach. I have recently been asked about this. Who else might know? Any detail would be helpful.
Xenophobic Matters Murray Hedgcock re-enters this well aired fray
I see the periodic G&C campaign against “xenophobes” has been revived by The Great Jack Morgan. On the England recruitment of Craig Kieswetter, the GJM records “no sympathy with the xenophobes: he (Kieswetter) has a Scottish mother, he has qualified by residence, and we live in such a mobile society that it is unrealistic to expect people to remain in the country of their birth throughout their lives…get used to it!” He is entitled to that belief: I maintain that international selectors should pick only players who learned the game within their borders. However, does the GJM set any limits i.e. would he worry if the England team included six South Africans, whatever their UK links? Eight? Ten? All eleven? I think we should be told.
Uninteresting Statistical Matters
The Great Jack Morgan updates on his cricket watching days
I may be well down on last season's total of days cricket watched this year, but I am poised to break the record for days watched in April, which stands at seven. I have already equalled that figure and I have potentially five days to come if the fine weather holds. April has been very dry and sunny here, but the temperatures have varied from the warm to the icy.
Old Danes Matters
Shepherds Bush CC has again kindly agreed to host an Old Danes Gathering on Friday 30th July 2010. All Old Danes from any generation will be welcome and in the past three years there have been representatives from the forties, fifties, sixties and seventies. It is appreciated that some attendees have to travel considerable distances and wives, partners and non OD friends will also be made welcome. The event will start around 2pm and will continue into the evening so it is possible to join the event at any stage during the afternoon. The bar is open all afternoon and food will be available. Would Old Danes please reply whether or not you plan to attend so that I can start to circulate a list of planned attendees to encourage others to join us?
Masturbatory matters
The Great Jack Morgan clarifies an hitherto puzzling reference
Jim Revier has started to refer to our distinguished manager as "Colin" in his e-mails, so I have obviously had to ask him where this new nickname has come from. It turns out, however, that it is not a new nickname, but one he was given as an opposition manager by the fanzines and websites and it has stuck now that he has joined us. Apparently some bright spark worked out that Neil Warnock is an anagram of Colin Wanker!
Simpleton Matters
Certified Morons are reminded that it is compulsory for them to fly a white flag with a red cross on it on their cars for the next six weeks. Additional flags may be displayed where more than one moron is riding in the vehicle.
Football Matters-1
Don Shearwood makes it all clear for the fairer sex
In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.... The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
But, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be offside!
Football Matters-2
Andrew Baker tells me that he has been following the IPL and was impressed by the presence of Cheerleaders at the matches. He spoke to Ken Molloy who immediately started recruiting for him. Kelvin West was predictably present at the auditions and he sent me this photo of the selected troupe who will be cheering Andrew’s team next season.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 89
May 2010
Caption Competition
Paul Collingwood: Did you get any runs in the IPL, Kev?
KP: No. How about you?
Paul Collingwood: No, I didn’t either.
KP: Still the money is good isn’t it?
Paul Collingwood: Owais got some runs.
KP: Don’t worry about him. He’s history. We’re the only ones who get runs for England.
Paul Collingwood. Er, er, er, well that’s not quite true. I get plenty but its ages since you scored any.
KP: Rubbish. I got some against Bangladesh and I’ll soon have that South African Trott out of the side once he’s bored everyone blocking all day. I’ll get some in the 20/20 World Cup.
Paul Collingwood: I thought your wife was having a baby and you wouldn’t be going?
KP: No I’ll come home from the trip and leave you lot to it.
Paul Collingwood: It hardly seems worth bothering going?
KP: I need the money.
Out and About with the Professor The first day of county cricket at Headingley is always full of expectation, although not necessarily, this being Yorkshire, optimism.
I went along, suitably accoutred (hat, scarf, and gloves) and saw an interesting days play. The ground looked in good shape – the “iconic” new pavilion nearing completion and, had the sun ever shined, all would have been right with the world.
Yorkshire have a new captain, Gale, and a very young side, ten of whom, the members are delighted to point out, were born in Yorkshire. Jacques Rudolph is of course the odd man out but he has been around long enough to have honorary Yorkshire status.
The Yorkshire purity of the team is not however so much a matter of policy as the shambolic attempt to sign an overseas player. The sublime organisational skills of the White Rose administrators (this is the team that, for example, failed to register Azeem Rafiq, leading to the abandonment of a match against Durham before a ball had been bowled) had first signed the Australian all-rounder Ryan Harris. Prescient in all things, they suspected that Harris might be used in the Aussie one-day squad and went for Daryl Tuffey as cover. More or less as the ink was dry Harris was drafted into the national side and then a couple of weeks later Tuffey broke his hand. Where to now?
Well the Aussies did agree to release Harris but on condition that Yorkshire “rested” him until the end of May. The insane ECB programme means that the end of May is exactly half way through Yorkshire’s county programme. Not a lot of use that.
So is anyone else available? The Great Jack Morgan has retired, Sharp J is very busy and I have a bad knee, so…step forward Tino Best. Not the calmest of temperaments, as I recall, he might be a test for young Gale…if, of course, he turns up.
Out on the pitch, Yorkshire took the field and gradually whittled away the opposition helped, in no small part, by umpire Mallender who gave 4 LBWs. Sitting where I was it was difficult to judge the quality of these decisions, although at least two looked a long way down, but the alarming thing was the speed with which he made the decision. These days, pace Buckner, we are used to some contemplation…then a pause…then a nod…and finally a slowly rising digit. This might be a bit languorous for some tastes but Mallender is the other extreme. There is scarcely time for the appeal to be made before his finger is up. Indeed, for one LB it looked like he was appealing too. I think if I had to choose between the extremes I would be much more comfortable with at least the display of a bit of thought.
There seem to be a number of good young cricketers getting into county teams at present and, in Surrey’s case, captaining them. It will be interesting to see how they do. Bairstow, for example, is obviously a very handy bat but his keeping on this day wasn’t too special. Shazad was decidedly brisk and Hannon-Dalby was awkward.
But the highlight of the day was, however, the innings of the opposition captain. Economy of movement, wonderful timing, he blasted anything full through cover and extra and milked short stuff through third man (who of course wasn’t there). He made a chanceless hundred and was, and is, a class ahead of anything else on the field. Eventually he fell to the hair-triggered Mallender.
The good news is that he is English and would walk into the national side.
The bad news is his name…Marcus Trescothick.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan has plenty to say now that the season has started
Now I hear that Middlesex have taken on Pedro Collins, who will add variety and has a decent career bowling average of around 27 and I have to admit that it is hard to find ways of strengthening the attack so close to the start of the season, but it has to be said that he had a couple of ordinary seasons at Surrey which yielded only 16 wickets at 31 last year and 27 wickets at 41 in 2008, though bowling at the Oval is an unenviable task for anyone. His career batting average of around 6 makes him a no 11 in any company; this is a slot for which there will be terrific competition this season.
In contrast, Middlesex put in a dire effort at Worcester, whom I had thought might be one of the weaker teams... but they were certainly stronger than Middlesex. In amongst all the dross, there was an incredible performance from Finny. This really was something special: 14 for 106 in the match including a startling 9 for 37 in the second innings and I wish I had been there to see it. Has he really made such a big leap forward this winter? Has he got stronger, quicker, more hostile, and more accurate? I hope to find out at Lord's on Thursday, but I still need to be convinced. Nobody else did much at all, with only Dawid passing fifty. We were without Owais and Eoin (IPL) and Dexy (injured) which made the batting look thin. Toby R-J was twelfth man, so presumably Evans and Williams are injured again, which makes the bowling look thin too. Apparently, Pedro is expected next week. Richo took 6 for 76 in the match for Worcs.
I saw all four days of the Middlesex v Glamorgan match at Lord's in some pretty good mid- April weather. In my opinion, Middlesex lost the match on the first day when they bowled badly in conditions that were ideally suited to seam bowlers. The pitch was extremely green and offered considerable movement off the seam and more bounce than I have seen in a Lord's pitch for many a decade. However, Middlesex allowed Mike Powell (55), Jim Allenby (57) and Mark Wallace (79*), a man who only ever scores runs in London, to build a total of 315, roughly double the score to which they should have been restricted.
Middlesex then emphasised the truth of this by getting skittled by journeymen seamers David Harrison, 5-62, and Jim Allenby, 4-29, (career bowling averages 37 and 33 respectively) for a pathetic 160. The Middlesex batting effort was probably even worse than the bowling, but then the batting was severely depleted by the absences of Shah, Morgan and Dexter. Shah might be back soon, but we will have to wait longer for the other two.
The bowlers did a little better in the Glamorgan second innings, but Dean Cosker's 49* took them up to 219 a/o which gave them a formidable lead of 374. Gareth Berg was the most successful of the home bowlers with 7 for 131 in the match. With 157 overs available to reach the target of 375 and the wicket getting easier, some thought that Middlesex had a fair chance of winning, but that idea was soon banished when 2 wickets went down with only one extra on the board. The target was certainly achievable in my view if the batsmen got their heads down and this was confirmed by an excellent stand of 143 between Andy Strauss (69) and Dawid Malan (115), but these two were the only batters who showed the necessary technique, discipline and concentration to accomplish the task. Most of the others offered brief cameos, but several got themselves out to dreadful shots and even Straussy succumbed to an ugly cross-batted slog against a straight one from Dalrymple. When 157 overs are available to chase down a gettable total, rash shots should be totally banned: this target could have been achieved by disciplined batting on an easing wicket, but only Malan showed the necessary application. Yet another journeyman seamer, Huw Waters (career bowling average 38), did the damage, taking 4 for 39; what will happen when we meet some class bowlers? Glamorgan won their first championship match at Lord’s for 56 years. Sack the manager! Do not travel more than 100 yards to watch this team!
Middlesex managed a much better effort at Northampton and it was great to see Scott Newman finally returning to form. Much credit also goes to Simmo for getting his head down (which he did not do against Glamorgan) and steering Middlesex to a decent total; but this does not mean that I am now a fan of his keeping. Great to see Danny back (I O’B apparently has a slight “groin strain” and Danny took 7 wickets in the recent 2s game at Northampton) as well with five wickets: how Dan would have loved that bouncy wicket at Lord's last week! But it all went sour in the end, of course, as Northants chased down nearly 400 to win. Three defeats out of three: the spoon looms ever larger. The lads have played three ordinary sides and lost to each of them!
Dream Teams and Strange Elevens
The Great Jack Morgan is in a strangely conciliatory mood
Unbalanced Teams (Part 93): I wouldn't like to upset Paddy C (and yes, I am jealous that he has two Test Match keepers in his team, but I just knew the two-keepers strategy would catch on), but how can he select a team with five seamers, two wicket keepers and no spinner when he has a Test Match spinner on the sidelines? If Paddy is worried about upsetting one of his pace bowlers, then perhaps I might be permitted to suggest that he could leave out Fred because, being dead, he won't give a toss! The left arm swing of Paul Taylor (yet another Test player) would also have added some much needed variety to an exclusively right-armed attack; the difficulty here might be getting someone to tell Charlie that he is not playing! Do you think I should stop slagging off other people's teams? Oh, I get it: Bob Proctor picks teams for 12-a-side games, is that it? Or do they allow subs to come on for a bowl in first class matches in Oz?
Here's a shock! I've got a Strange XI for you:
Scott Newman
Michael Brown
Mark Ramprakash
Abdul Razzaq
Andy Needham
Mark Feltham
Tom Smith
Ben Scott (w)
Tim Murtagh
Mike Selvey
Pedro Collins
The balance is quite good too, with five seamers, but also two spinners and (I'm always keen to be in fashion) two keepers (don't forget that Michael Brown has kept in a first class match).
Surrey Matters
When Middlesex play away the Great Jack Morgan is lured to Surrey matches
It was surprisingly warm and sunny here, so I went to the Oval to see Surrey lose to Derbyshire, for whom skipper Chris Rogers starred with scores of 200 and 140*. Surrey really missed their chance on day one when they could not take advantage of conditions helpful to seam bowling and despite a record number of appeals; they allowed Derbyshire to reach 306 for 5 at the close. Conditions had eased by the time Surrey batted, but although Mark Ramprakash (102), Steve Davies (55) and Gareth Batty (65) did well, they conceded a lead of 99 and Rogers's second innings declaration set them 374 to win, which they never looked likely to approach once Ramps had fallen for a rare globe. Davies made his second fifty of the match, but they collapsed badly to lose by 208. For Derbyshire, all-rounder Greg Smith is a very useful cricketer and contributed 86 runs and took 6 wickets for 93 in the match, while South African Test slow left armer Robin Peterson took 6 for 119 in the match. Surrey might struggle on this form, but should improve when Chris Jordan, Michael Brown and Chris Tremlett are fit to play. Tremlett is not exactly unfit, but his "workload is being managed" according to Surrey. Several foxes were observed during the match including a very pregnant female looking for a place to give birth. April 9th was, of course, a new "earliest ever" record, the previous earliest being April 14th 2007.
I made it to Whitgift School in sunny, but very cold weather and saw Surrey's first innings of 493 (Rory Hamilton-Brown 125, Steve Davies 137) very nearly equalled by Worcs. Initially, it looked as if the visitors were in deep trouble as openers Daryl Mitchell and Phil Jaques both fell without a run on the board, but skipper Vikram Solanki and 22 year old Moeen Ali rebuilt the innings, slowly at first, but then fluently as they put on 223 before Solanki went for 114. Ali went on to 126 and the runs continued to flow as Namibian Alex Kervezee (68), ex-England candidate Ben Smith (what's he doing down at no 6? 80) and Middlesex loanee Ben Scott (what's he doing up at no 7? 55) took the score up to 459 for 5, but then a severe collapse saw the last 5 wickets fall for 6 runs, giving Surrey a lead of 28. Skipper Rory showed great faith in his two Test Match spinners, Chris Schofield and Gareth Batty (and Vic Marks tells us that there was considerable turn for all four of Surrey's spinners), but this was not apparent from the boundary (one cannot get behind the arm at Whitgift) as the quartet were belted around Croydon to the tune of 3 for 273! It was hard to see a result being achieved, but credit must go to Rory for an enterprising approach and his declaration at 239-8 (Ramps 82, Davies 69*), which set Worcestershire 268 in about 58 overs and, in theory, gave both teams a chance of winning. Worcestershire, however, got off to another dreadful start (Phil Jaques recording a rare pair) and settled for the draw, which looked comfortable at 161-5 (Moeen 70*), but ended in a certain amount of consternation as 3 wickets fell for 7 runs and Worcestershire survived with 2 wickets standing.
Daft Laws
The Professor copied me in on an email he sent to Douglas Miller
“I see the MCC has been mucking about with the Laws again.
Most seem sensible and I was particularly pleased to see the question of the "airborne" batsman who had already made his ground being given immunity from a run out. You may recall we discussed this in the Windies. Pity the Club has not taken the opportunity to abolish leg byes and the ridiculous change in the backing-up regulations. Still...one step at a time. The one about hit wicket when your bat has broken seems a bit harsh but I suppose it is at least clear. I imagine that umpires up and down the country are all longing for an occasion when they can put it into practice.
Less clear is the bad light change. Umpires can now come off if the conditions are "unreasonable". What does that mean? Helpfully we are told that "unreasonable" means "inappropriate". Umm...seems to exchange one mystery for another. While the decision to abandon the practice of "offering the light to the batsmen" is to be welcomed there still appear to be problems about what the Law means in practice. We are told that "unreasonable" is not the same as "not ideal" (obviously) and also, in the same Law, that "unreasonable" means: "it would not be sensible to proceed" (which it sort of does). So, three different attempts to establish what the word means.
Tell me, do these definitions of "unreasonable" seem to you to be reasonable?
More to the point, will it keep the umpires on the ground?
I trust you are enjoying edition 147 - how many mistakes have you found so far?
I replied
Presumably all this is from your perusal of the new edition which I do not have access to yet. It seems to me that increasingly there is a need for different laws for televised matches and others. The niceties of whether a bat is airborne or grounded is unlikely to have ever exercised an umpire in Gunnersbury Park but of course is of critical importance to the commentators of televised cricket. One of the problems is that the commentators get bored. This is probably because, unlike other people who have to watch a whole day's play, they have to do it sober. So perhaps we can overcome these endless picking over the laws by providing booze in the commentary box. This applies to all except bad light which should be done away with completely as a concept.
In due course Douglas sent this
It's not really MCC driving the whole thing, though I believe that the Club is a useful check much as the Lords is with legislation. I slightly fear for situations where the teams want to play but the umpires don't. However, I think that the change is probably sensible to create a sensibly consistent standard and to avoid tactical withdrawal from the field. Umpires have always had to come off if the conditions are dangerous or unreasonable rather than 'unsuitable', which is at present the time when the teams are offered the option to come off - batting side only if it is light. So judgments have always had to be made - between two umpires before it comes to the teams. What is dangerous driving? What is careless driving? What is an unreasonable view to hold on the economy? What is an unreasonable demand to place on a student? Or a lecturer? The law has always had the concept of the man on the Clapham omnibus. So, in a way, does cricket.
The Professor concluded this exchange
Slightly disappointing response from Douglas - I was hoping for something less sensible.
Wooden Spoon Matters
Whilst waiting for the ash to disperse I posed the following questions to Jim Revier:
Who has had the worse start to the season- Middlesex or Surrey? Who are favourites for the re-election spot?
He replied:
“As you well know neither Middlesex nor Surrey have ever "won" the spoon. They have both embarked on this campaign seemingly determined to do so. What a triumph that would be for young Hamilton-Brown in his first season in charge at the Oval. However, the draw with Worcestershire has tilted the balance in Middlesex's favour, who, admirably allowed Northants to comfortably chase down 390. Stephen Peters was dropped four times in his career best 183 and it is this sort of display that could see the spoon descend out of the volcanic ash onto Lords. A wind change could, of course, send it hurtling to Bristol where Gloucestershire have previous on wooden spoon matters.
One of the pleasures (nay duties) on opening a new Wisden in April is to read about the previous season’s Surrey triumphs (7th in Div 2 in case you'd forgotten, with a single victory. However, an improvement on the previous year when there were no victories, albeit in Div 1). David Llewellyn's review of the season is succinct and in the main disparaging. He writes of the bowling - “The desperate late signings of Richard Logan, Jimmy Anyon and the Sri Lankan Test slow left armer Rangana Herath produced pitiful returns. Pedro Collins contributed next to nothing and was released."
What is remarkable is that Anyon, Herath and Collins have all managed to find employment at Sussex, Hants and Middlesex respectively this season. Llewellyn again "it is also vital that Chris Jordan sharpens up and gets fitter". Well, whatever Master Jordan was doing to remedy this during the winter it didn’t work as he is out for at least the first six weeks of the season (or the first half of the championship season). Surrey's signing of Chris Tremlett has also not gone well. Just seven games for Hants last year and yet to start this season, his "workload is being managed” in Surrey speak. I understand that he is due to debut in the 2s this week. Michael Brown, too, had a jolly winter. Encouraged by the Surrey coaches to change his technique (Why? He was one of our few successes last year) as a result, he has developed a form of tennis elbow and he, too, is out for six weeks.
Jon Batty in DL's words" rounded off another consistent season with a couple of hundreds.." and then was allowed to go to Gloucestershire after the chocolate hatters signed Steve Davies. Davies however has started well and will need to continue to help Ramps shore up the top order. After a ton in his first knock the great man's standards have slipped, amidst rumours of differences with the new captain and an upcoming divorce. Plus every time he walks out to bat he knows he needs to get a ton to give us any chance of a draw.
Surrey also recruited Piyush Chawla the young Indian leg spinner but due to the IPL and Test calls he looks unlikely to turn out at all. Well at least Rory has managed a ton in the CC and got 82 in a victorious run chase to win a 40 over game. This was his first 50 in a one day game at his 38th attempt and makes all Ovalites a lot happier about paying him £400,000 - 450,000 over 3 years. These figures also come from Wisden. Any ideas on an average county wage?”
Agony Matters
From Neil of Shepherds Bush
Dear Arthur,
I have been manager at Loftus Road for over a month now and am feeling particularly vulnerable because of this longevity of tenure. I dream of P45s and being interviewed for the Portsmouth job. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Dear Neil,
You need to steep yourself in Rangers history and folklore. Familiarise yourself with the Rangers teams of the late sixties and seventies. Pepper your conversation with reference to the double in 1967, Rodney Marsh, Stan Bowles, Gerry Francis, Terry Venables, Dave Sexton and Tony Currie. Your lucky number is ten and you need to create your own inheritor of this magic shirt. Akos Buzsaky is your man. Change his number to ten and get your family members spread around the crowd chanting Aaaakos, Aaaaakos every time he does anything. You will soon find that you don’t have to do much yourself since the owners wouldn’t dare upsetting this nirvana.
Arthur
From Gordon of Westminster
Dear Arthur,
I have single handedly run this country for nearly fourteen years. Everyone knows that I am the only man who can lead it forward. I don’t know why they are even giving air time to those fresh faced upstarts Clegg and Cameron. I should have changed the electoral system so that I could stay PM whatever the outcome of the polls. I am at my wits end. What am I to do?
Dear Gordon,
You pompous oaf. You are unelected and unwanted. You cocked up the economy, failed to control the financial sector and didn’t have the balls to go to the country when you could have received a mandate. You are a disgrace and the sooner you buggar off back to haggis land the better.
Arthur
Rugby Matters
The Professor has been lured into strange venues over the winter
It is quite possible that you have not been following closely the relegation struggle at the foot of the Guinness Premiership. Nor indeed, until a couple of weeks’ ago, had I, when I went with two friends (both dedicated Googlies readers) to see high-flying Northampton Saints defeat Leeds and leave my local team facing the drop.
The “Leeds” in question here is Leeds Carnegie, the rugby union side, not Leeds Rhinos who play the more static “league” code. Somewhat confusingly, Leeds Carnegie were until recently called “Leeds Tykes”. The name change was doubtless driven by the need for consistency: Leeds Carnegie play at the Leeds Carnegie stadium which, as all Googlies readers will know, abuts the Headingley Carnegie cricket ground with its new Carnegie pavilion. Just why almost everything around here should be named after a nineteenth centenary American robber-baron is a mystery I hope never to resolve.
The “crunch match” took place last weekend against Worcester Warriors. Having had a taste from the earlier match, I went along. Two things strike you in watching live rugby. The first is that the pitch is much smaller than appears on TV and the goal kicks don’t disappear into the middle distance, and the second is that the players are much bigger…very much bigger, indeed they are huge. In a scrappy first half Leeds’ principal tactic was to give the ball to their Number 8, an enormous and terrifying man called Alfie To’Oala Vaeluaga. I understand that Mr Vaeluaga is not a long established resident of the West Riding – indeed it would be somewhat alarming (and decidedly unsafe) to bump into him emerging from the municipal art gallery, or wherever he goes for diversion and amusement. It normally required two or three men to stop Mr Vaeluaga with the resulting gaps in the defence being available for exploitation. The upshot was that while he was on the park Leeds established a comfortable lead. However his substitution brought Worcester back into it and a freakish bounce of the “ball” (why do they play with such an odd-shaped thing – was it that shape when William Webb-Ellis picked it up?) handed them a try. The last ten minutes saw Leeds holding on and the last 30 seconds a very long range penalty attempt that fell well short and condemned the “Warriors” to battles in a lower division.
The whole thing was, at the end, rather exciting, with the “record” crowd of over 10,000 urging the team on. Notwithstanding my new-found parochial patriotism, I could not bring myself to join in the chant of: “We love Leeds” – indeed I thought the Worcester fans had the better of the chanting competition in that their “Come on you Warriors” was sung to the tune of La Donna E Mobile. I was rather taken by this cultural element until I remembered that the West Ham fans once used the same tune to chant the praises of their then centre forward, Paolo di Canio. I may be wrong, but I suspect that the exposure of the good folk at the Boleyn Ground to the works of Verdi has not been extensive.
A slightly sour note at the end was the attack by the Worcester Number 7, a man called Cracknell, on a member of the public. One of the abiding concerns in football is the possibility of a spectator assault on a player. In rugby, no one in their right mind would even dream about facing up to the likes of Mr Vaeluaga…it would indeed be the stuff of nightmares. If you had such a dream, the only recourse would be to wake up and apologise. However, it appeared that some harsh words were said at the end of the game and Mr Cracknell pulled an elderly man over the fence and onto the pitch and would, had team-mates not restrained him, punched him as he lay on the floor. All very unsavoury and not at all the kind of thing that the peace-loving residents of Leeds are used to seeing. So, Premiership rugby for us next year and woe for the western Warriors.
Yorkshire Matters
Eric Stephens alerts us to critical information missed by the Professor
Firstly, I continue to enjoy the magazine. However, I would have thought that the reporting of the Yorkshire AGM should have at least contained a report of the new member elected to the Members Committee. All five local radio stations in God's County covered this every hour between 1200 and 1700. Also the new member gave a very intelligent, witty, unscripted thank-you to the adoring fans!
Secondly, and less seriously, do you remember a Surrey league club (I think Mitcham) having the league title removed from them for batting too long on the last day and killing the match when only a draw was required. Typical pufta approach. I have recently been asked about this. Who else might know? Any detail would be helpful.
Xenophobic Matters Murray Hedgcock re-enters this well aired fray
I see the periodic G&C campaign against “xenophobes” has been revived by The Great Jack Morgan. On the England recruitment of Craig Kieswetter, the GJM records “no sympathy with the xenophobes: he (Kieswetter) has a Scottish mother, he has qualified by residence, and we live in such a mobile society that it is unrealistic to expect people to remain in the country of their birth throughout their lives…get used to it!” He is entitled to that belief: I maintain that international selectors should pick only players who learned the game within their borders. However, does the GJM set any limits i.e. would he worry if the England team included six South Africans, whatever their UK links? Eight? Ten? All eleven? I think we should be told.
Uninteresting Statistical Matters
The Great Jack Morgan updates on his cricket watching days
I may be well down on last season's total of days cricket watched this year, but I am poised to break the record for days watched in April, which stands at seven. I have already equalled that figure and I have potentially five days to come if the fine weather holds. April has been very dry and sunny here, but the temperatures have varied from the warm to the icy.
Old Danes Matters
Shepherds Bush CC has again kindly agreed to host an Old Danes Gathering on Friday 30th July 2010. All Old Danes from any generation will be welcome and in the past three years there have been representatives from the forties, fifties, sixties and seventies. It is appreciated that some attendees have to travel considerable distances and wives, partners and non OD friends will also be made welcome. The event will start around 2pm and will continue into the evening so it is possible to join the event at any stage during the afternoon. The bar is open all afternoon and food will be available. Would Old Danes please reply whether or not you plan to attend so that I can start to circulate a list of planned attendees to encourage others to join us?
Masturbatory matters
The Great Jack Morgan clarifies an hitherto puzzling reference
Jim Revier has started to refer to our distinguished manager as "Colin" in his e-mails, so I have obviously had to ask him where this new nickname has come from. It turns out, however, that it is not a new nickname, but one he was given as an opposition manager by the fanzines and websites and it has stuck now that he has joined us. Apparently some bright spark worked out that Neil Warnock is an anagram of Colin Wanker!
Simpleton Matters
Certified Morons are reminded that it is compulsory for them to fly a white flag with a red cross on it on their cars for the next six weeks. Additional flags may be displayed where more than one moron is riding in the vehicle.
Football Matters-1
Don Shearwood makes it all clear for the fairer sex
In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.... The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
But, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be offside!
Football Matters-2
Andrew Baker tells me that he has been following the IPL and was impressed by the presence of Cheerleaders at the matches. He spoke to Ken Molloy who immediately started recruiting for him. Kelvin West was predictably present at the auditions and he sent me this photo of the selected troupe who will be cheering Andrew’s team next season.
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