GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 46
October 2006
Ashes Matters
Nearly everybody got picked in the end to go to Australia. You had to be either foreign or totally out of favour to avoid selection for one of the two parties. Those who missed the boat, or rather plane, included Gareth Batty, Alex Loudon, James Chucker Kirtley, Glen Chapple, Lardarse and, of course, Andy Caddick. They also chose to omit Mark Butcher, who had been strongly tipped, at least by me. And of course they left out the P.C.A. player of the year, Mark Ramprakesh.
The selection of all other English qualified county players is an attempt to avoid the ludicrous situation on the last Ashes trip when they took invalids with them and hoped that forty-eight hours in the sun would cure them. Now they have umpteen reserves on hand, or at least three thousand miles away in slum accommodation in Perth, to step into the breaches as they appear. But even these arrangements don’t stand up to too much scrutiny.
The latest round of Banger’s Leave is as troubling as his lack of runs this summer. It seems that they are planning to use this summer’s batsmen with Flintoff coming into the first six instead of Banger or one of the usual suspects, probably Collingwood. Form doesn’t look like being a feature and so only injury could bring forward Key, Joyce or the back in favour, without having done anything to merit it, Shah.
The most bizarre selection is that of four wicket keepers in the two parties. Reid’s position is apparently not secure since he hasn’t even been awarded a central contract unlike Jones the Ball and Peg Leg who have long-term sick notes. Why are they paid to test out crutches? Davies seems to have leap-frogged Wallace, Nash, Scott, Foster, Sutton, Ambrose, Batty and all the other guys the Great Jack Morgan has so patiently been keeping tabs on for us. Why is Prior back in the frame if Reid is picked before him? Is he a better keeper than Teflon? Perhaps he will open the batting in the world cup with no explanation again as to why.
And then there is the quick bowling. This has all the potential of a Brian Rix farce. Of the six in the senior group Flintoff, Anderson, Plunkett and Harmison are already officially injured and none will be match fit by Brisbane since are no matches to play in. This leaves Hoggard who had a poor summer in conditions that should suit him better than those he will get in Australia and who Boycott says is also injured. Which leaves Mahmood who has potential but is totally unreliable. So how long will it be before the guys in Perth start getting the call? And who are they? Tremlett is also not yet match fit; Lewis is only used with extreme reluctance (would Fletch have ever played Mike Hendrick?), Clarke sprays it worse than Mahmood and this leaves the new boys-Broad, Onions and Smith. We could get to Sydney with the new ball in the hands of Onions and Smith with Bopara as first change.
Dalrymple is now being spoken of as having just missed out on the main party but its only his ODI form, idiosyncratic slogging and negative bowling, not his Middlesex performances, that have got him there. Is he the new Lardarse? Is it only his batting that keeps Doshi out of the reckoning? And has Udal done even less than he did last year when he got selected? And what of Batty who mesmerised the West Indians in the spring and also scored some runs this summer? Perhaps it’s a pity that the Welsh Wizard retired after all. Although I see that he has now retired from captaincy as well, perhaps to concentrate on a comeback?
David Tune sent me the following: “Mike Selvey, cricket laureate of the Guardian, seems to have an inexhaustible fund of anecdotes with which to illustrate the points he wants to make. The latest to catch my eye was included in an article he wrote about how Strauss may be feeling after losing the captaincy to Freddie. Selvey took the quote from a slim volume of sporting verse for which he wrote the forward, it is from a poem entitled “Dropped” which concludes: “Though bile makes a bitter cup/I cannot but hope they fuck it up”.
I replied: “I think that Strauss is well off not being in charge in Australia. The wheels will start falling off rapidly and in some cases won't get bolted on in the first place. It seems unlikely, though, that he will not be captaining for at least part of the tour. Modern sports surgery is clever but rarely totally effective. I don't see Freddie bowling at 90mph for long.”
Miserable Matters The Great Jack Morgan points out how desperate 2006 has been for us West Londoners, but he has a solution for at least one of his sides
We are favourites for the ignominious three relegations in one-year scenario: can we claim to be the first to achieve this? If there had been relegation in the Dumberer competition, we would have achieved four! Middlesex are bottom of the division in the Pro40 and have been relegated. They are bottom of the division in the Championship and have been relegated. They were bottom of the league in the 20/20. The Rangers are bottom of the Championship and must be favourites for relegation. My rugby team, Harlequins, are bottom of the Premiership, but probably have a chance of avoiding relegation because only one team goes down. Five bottoms... what a bum year!
I am now taking an old badly mangled ball with me to all Middlesex matches so that when the ball goes into the crowd, I toss back the old ball and get the game awarded to Middlesex.
But at the PCA Dinner this happened
Middlesex CCC was the only team to receive an award. They were awarded the MCC Spirit of Cricket Award 2006. The Professional Cricketers’ Association (PCA), in association with NatWest and the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB), named Middlesex for the award in recognition of their discipline throughout the season. The trophy is on offer each season to the most disciplined county cricket team, with points awarded by the umpires to each team at the end of each Liverpool Victoria County Championship match, Pro 40 League match and Twenty20 Cup group match, based on the conduct of all members of the side. Each county's points tally is logged in a table with the top team at the end of the season winning the `MCC Spirit of Cricket County Team Award'.
Extraordinary! What does this tell us about the state of the game when the most unsuccessful team in modern history is recognised for upholding the spirit of the game? Perhaps Middlesex will revert to cheating next season and get promoted.
Ball tampering and all that Jazz The Professor bravely sent me this
I was surprised that none of your correspondents in the last issue of Googlies took on the subject of the day, namely: Deadly Darrell. By the time Issue no. 46 comes out the investigative committee will have met and decided his fate. Since he is undoubtedly an Australian it may be that none of your readers care what happens to him. But I think the readership of G&C should have a collective view and perhaps make a formal submission to the committee on behalf of proper cricket supporters who know what they are talking about. Then again...
Anyway, notwithstanding the fact that the verdict will be known before anyone but you reads this, I thought I would eschew pusilanimousness and give it a go. There seem to be two polar positions:
the umpires (plural) are in charge, the laws were applied "to the letter" (why do we say that, by the way? What else could a law have but letters?), end of story;
alternatively, Hair dislikes Pakistanis and Asian people in general and is undoubtedly a racist (this position being supported by a bizarre run out of Inzy and the no-balling of Murali).
It must be possible to occupy the middle ground, and so I will tiptoe onto it. It seems to me that the two issues of ball tampering and forfeiting the game while, of course, both dealt with by the laws, are quite different in kind.
In the first case, the ball either was or wasn't tampered with; the umpires must have some sort of evidence and they made a decision. In this sense it is no different to any other decision that they have to make. All this stuff about them being "judge and jury" is ludicrous. Of course they are. That is what umpires do when they judge an LBW, caught behind, or whatever. Of course the ball tampering decision is tantamount to the charge of cheating, but in that it is only different in scale from a "Not Out" verdict for an appeal for a catch which clearly bounced. I think we can all set aside the disingenuous retort that the fielder "may not have known".
The decision to abandon the game was, however, in my view, rather different. Again the law was applied. The umpires took the field, then (as I understand they are required to do) went to investigate why the fielding side was not there, then took the field again, and finally abandoned the game. Fine. Except there were twenty-odd thousand people inside the ground who had paid to see people play cricket and two sides who (eventually) seemed to want to play. So what we are talking about now is a comparatively few minutes which were needed to entice the Pakistan team out of the changing room and on to the field. No doubt there was a bit of posturing going on, but it should be possible for grown up people to sort that out and get back on the field. What are all these hangers-on who mill around the changing rooms for anyway if not to use some diplomatic skills? Perhaps they don't have any. Or perhaps Hair is just un-persuadable. I don't know. But I think the decision to abandon the game was, frankly, foolish - whereas the decision to punish a side that tampers with the ball was, given the available evidence, what umpires are supposed to do.
...so there.
With the benefit of hindsight I can now add
Well not one to be controversial I am reluctant to be drawn into this murky territory. However, we are talking here about cheating and everyone seems to be confessing to different levels of it, particularly bowlers. At South Hampstead, when not keeping wicket, Harold Stubbs could make the oldest, most battered ball come up bright and shiny, but was he cheating? He didn’t think so.
Personally I doubt whether the Pakistanis did anything unacceptable to the ball, although they may have done so in the past, but I think that Cook and KP's persistent not walking when everyone knows they are out to be seriously damaging to the game. No wonder the England team didn’t get the Spirit of Cricket Award.
What is clear is that Hare applied the law as it stands and he has been told he was wrong. This is ludicrous and the law must be changed or at least clarified. The penalty must also be addressed. If cheating only warrants a five run penalty what does this say to the players? Deliberate fouls in soccer are now dealt with by banishment from the rest of the match. If KP thought that he would be ejected from the game and face a ban from the next match and England would have to field with only ten men he might be more prepared to walk when he is out. That would set a standard that youngsters, like Cook, would automatically follow.
Out and about with the Professor
The Professor’s perambulations this month took him across the Irish Sea
I spent this weekend in the fair city of Derry in Northern Ireland. Sadly the school I was visiting wasn’t in the fair bit but in the Creggan. It had experienced (and withstood) difficulties that would be hard to make up but is now, happily, a thriving institution. The famous Irish hospitality made my visit great fun and it also coincided with the final of the All Ireland Hurling Competition. I guess most of your readers will have seen snippets of hurling on the TV but this was the first time I had ever sat through an entire match. I was in the company of two of my hosts who thought I would appreciate having some of the subtleties of the game explained to me.
In truth I struggled hard to find anything happening on the field that could be described as in any way subtle. Indeed “subtle” and “hurling” must be up there with “Aussie Rules” as a candidate for the leading sporting oxymoron. The game, as I’m sure you will know, requires each team to whack the ball between the posts with their sticks – 1 point for above the bar, 3 for below. In the process the hard leather ball is hit huge distances down the ground and the players beat each other with their sticks in an attempt to gain possession. The whole thing resembles a running fight with cudgels. Often a full-blooded hit is blocked by another player standing only a foot or so away. Most, but not all, the players wear helmets, although my more “traditional” advisors thought this a sissy modern development. None of the players had shin pads. The most “traditional” player, Brian Corcoran, had no protective headgear and his socks rolled down. Both teams have goalkeepers who can be fired at at point blank range and neither had a helmet or seemingly any other protection, although they did seem to have slightly bigger sticks.
The competing teams were Cork (who had won the two previous finals) and Kilkenny. The “Cats” took an early advantage and came out convincing winners, thus halting Cork’s ambition of three-in-a-row. It was, so I was informed, a particularly skilful and clean match and indeed I only saw three or four fights throughout the whole 70 minutes. The Cork defence seemed to revolve around a huge man called Gardiner whose principal tactic was to hit the ankles of the opposing forwards as hard as he possibly could. This led the referee to intervene on a couple of occasions. The game gives the ref. three course of action – a red and yellow card as in football and also a lesser sanction of being “shown the notebook”. Mr Gardiner accrued both notebook and yellow but, presumably because he failed to completely sever any lower limbs, did not get a red card. Tripping seemed to be the biggest crime…together with the occasional attempted decapitation. My informants told me that the game was spoilt by too much “lying on the ball” – a tactic whereby the defender prevents the ball being played by kneeling on top of it, thereby presenting a perfect target for a beating which in any other context would land the perpetrators in protective custody.
Hurling has a great tradition, and like so many other things in Ireland, has a powerful and important political resonance. However, if you care to run a competition of “sports you would like to watch but are pleased never to have played”, I would be happy to offer as my entry…Hurling.
ps You will be sorry to learn that Radlett gained promotion to the league of death despite us beating them at home and away. Sadly WGCCC fell 6 runs short of victory the weekend before and thus, by that margin, missed out on the championship. Bugger!
The Blonger
Steve Thompson bravely recalls some humiliating moments
It is what makes cricket the ultimate leveller. That anyone from the most feted Test player to the ordinary village cricketer can score no more than their granny- even Boycott’s granny. There are many terms to describe it: nought, a duck, without troubling the scorers and no doubt many others. But no term so perfectly generates that ultimate sense of batting failure than that articulated so readily by Tubby Peach, ‘…a blonger, mate!’ No one before or since can have announced the poor wretch’s effort with such joy (the opposition) or vehemence (the South Hampstead player). In the former case the last syllable would be accompanied by that wonderful smile, eyes enlarging. In the case of the latter, I learnt, one felt better if eye contact was avoided!
I am not alone, I hope, in remembering some noughts more than others. I write from the comfortable position of never having been threatened, unlike the publisher of this organ, by the Olympic Rings nor indeed had successive ducks. But my first recollection is the ultimate failure of its kind since indeed many grannies could have done better; that is a diamond duck, run out without facing a ball.
What better time than on your first representative match for London Schools at senior level. I was but a mere fourth former, I recall, drafted in by Russ Collins. I came to the crease when we were not very many for four. Those readers who remember Alan Holley will recall his calm, unflappable manner on the cricket field. I had already been led astray a year earlier in Guernsey on the school’s tour and I might have chosen many others for my batting partner on debut. If words of greeting were exchanged I cannot recall them. Certainly none were during the process of trying to add the first run to our partnership which ended with me having been lured out of my crease by a five yard sprint from the striker which culminated in an about turn sufficiently late in the day for me to be so far out of my ground for the shortest sighted of grannies to have given me out without reference to Ian Gould.
My second indelibly etched first-baller was at South Hampstead on a Wednesday. It will have been in the very early 70’s and certainly before the wonderful Ossie Burton was playing for the club at weekends. On this occasion he was playing for Surbiton or another of Dick Simpson’s elevens. I had only played against Ossie on one previous occasion the summer before over at Surbiton on a Sunday in June and had the bruises to prove it the following morning when undressing for PE. On this particular occasion I was batting at four but at the time of the fall of the second wicket I was ensconced on the toilet suffering from a dose of the squits. Suffering the latter does not encourage expansive forward play- generally an essential early on against the Great Man I was later to discover. Suffice to say that within 3 minutes of leaving my seat I returned to it, still warm, with only the sound of clattering stumps for company.
My final recollection dates back to the semi-final of the National at York in 1975. Not a day to get nought let alone a first-baller in front of a sizeable partisan crowd. I was probably the only one of the five lbw’s given by the home umpire (was he really called Sidney Orange?) that was actually out but I left the ground to the strains of, ‘ Fuck off back down south yer useless git!’
A Xenophobe Replies Murray Hedgcock sticks his head above the parapet
I'm not quite sure of the Googlies and Chinamen definition of "xenophobe", but the word does seem to generate considerable heat. The September issue recorded Jack Morgan's argument that the county cutback to a single overseas player for 2008 would lower the standard, and be welcomed only by the xenophobes.
The Concise Oxford lists xenophobia as "intense or irrational dislike or fear of people from other countries". That is certainly not the reasoning behind my belief that counties should basically comprise locals who represent thier own community, and especially that the England team be truly English (with of course places for any Scots, Welsh or Northern Irish).
Has there been anything sillier than the endless processions of season 2006, with a string of overseas players slipping in and out of county sides, some playing for as little as three weeks? I cite Justin Langer's brief foray to Somerset - not least as he made a county name with Middlesex. The speed with which others have come and gone has been genuinely bewildering.
If English cricket isn't good enough to produce its own players of international quality, without needing the constant spur of imported megastars, then it doesn't deserve to have a Test team. And it is the Test team which really fires my fury. England is virtually alone in finding it expedient to import outsiders (little New Zealand has had a couple, starting as far as I can recall with the West Indian Simpson Guillen). Australia - to its shame and my bitter regret - used that ultra-mercenary Keppler Wessels before he scurried home to lead his nation of origin. (No mention, please, of Kiwi Grimmett). But how many imports are there in the Pakistan Test team - the West Indians - the Indians - the South Africans? Exactly.
Skipping the odd player (Midwinter, Woods and so on) who changed colours in an earlier age, English cricket has earned my scorn ever since it decided that Tony Greig was a native - despite his South African origins. Hick, Lamb, Robin and Chris Smith, McCague, Caddick, Geraint Jones maintained the pattern - and now England's great white hope is Kevin Pietersen.
Fully aware that by the time this appears on-screen, he may well have smashed his way to more centuries in his adopted colours, I record my glee when he hit rock-bottom against Pakistan - because he is not English, and should not play for England. From my original ultra-purist belief that you should play only for the country of your birth, I now acknowledge the mobility of the modern world, and argue that you should play for the nation where you learned the game - and Pietersen is a definite product of the veld.
Hooray for Panesar and Mahmood, following Nasser Hussein: all are British, and rightly were picked for their national team. There is a rich vein of Asian cricketing talent in the country which could lift the England eleven over the years ahead - and it would be good to see interest in the game revive among British West Indians.
And to return to xenophobia ("dislike or fear of people from other countries"); as an Aussie, I quite like the English, and fear few of them. If only you would pick your own people to face up to my lot, come the Ashes, I could like you so much more
Goklany’s 256 Ollie Gibbs provided some further detail on this extraordinary innings
Further to your report of Kunal Goklany's efforts for Shepherd's Bush C.C. 3rd XI, I just wish to add that he came to the wicket in the 5th over and was out (whereupon the innings closed) in the 41st. The Bush then bowled North Mid out in 58.5 overs - one ball to spare!
Ray at the Crease David Tune sent me the following notes about his old Richmond colleague and batting partner, Peter Ray
Thank you for providing me with the latest edition of Googlies and Chinamen in which, courtesy of P.F. Ray, I seem to have occupied a totally undeserved amount of space. That said, I believe, in the cause of balanced journalism, I should provide my own critique of Peter Ray, who is a very dear friend. To outsiders, and I include our own team-mates, it may not have always appeared so. Indeed, our one-time captain, Dai Thomas, once summoned us from the bar into the dressing room for a dressing down the upshot of which was that unless we stopped arguing on the field of play he would drop us both. Neither PF nor myself had the slightest idea what he was talking about, we simply discussed — albeit in quite loud tones – the finer points of cricket and our own relative performances. The threat, however, came to nothing as the prospect having to lead Ray and Tune in “his” second eleven caused the only recorded sighting of Terry Harris choking into his pint.
As PF — oh, lets be done with formality, in Richmond and way beyond he’s the Penguin due to his uncanny resemblance to the evilest man in the world (my daughters still do not recognise the name Peter Ray) -- kindly gave you and your readers a critique of my abilities, I thought I should respond in kind. I will provide three anecdotes all connected with his “prowess” with the bat of which he is to this day inordinately proud. I will not mention his bowling as I regard Penguin as the finest bowler I have ever played with. All three incidents I witnessed at first hand as I was batting at the other end.
The first took place at Shepherds Bush CC. Penguin and I were striving to avoid defeat in a Middlesex League match in the gathering gloom. The Bush’s captain, Alf Langley, brought back Martin Jean-Jaques to blow us away and seal victory. J-J is of West Indian origin and at that time was decidedly slippery. The Penguin was on strike. J-J began his run up but was halted by Penguin’s up raised glove (think a policeman screwing up the flow of London’s traffic). “J-J, old boy, its getting very dark — do you think you could give us a grin when you set of, just so I know when you’re on your way?” Somewhat bemused J-J returned to the end of his run, and set of again. Once more he was halted in mid-acceleration. This time the Penguin — his face set in a rictus of a grin — chided: “J-J, don’t forget the grin when you begin.” For a third time J-J returned to his mark, he grinned as required, set off and, six paces into his run, subsided to the ground giggling hysterically. As which point Alf Langley commented: “You bastard Penguin, he’ll not bowl another quick ball tonight.” He didn’t and Richmond (Ray?) got away with a draw.
The second incident, at Old Deer Park, occurred in another league match, this time against our dear friends from Finchley. Richmond had suffered a batting collapse (an all too frequent occurrence in those days) of such calamitous proportions that both the Penguin and myself were at the wicket well before lunch. The Penguin was not best pleased that I was batting ahead of him (when he tells this story he produces various reasons for this such as he’d such faith in the batters he’d popped into Richmond to do some shopping) but lost no time in asserting his seniority and authority -- “Tuney, we’re going to have to bat for a long, long time.” He immediately charged his first ball, missed and was a sight closer to me than his crease when James, the wicket keeper, removed the bails. Finchley, led by their captain (and, according to PF, my self acclaimed “bunny”) Mike Milton did not celebrate. They gathered round me demanding to know what he’d said. I told the truth and so prolonged was their hysteria we damn near won the match.
The third incident was again against Finchley in the league at Old Deer Park. The Penguin had obtained a top of the range SS Jumbo bat, which in its original state was not to his liking. So he drilled some holes in it. On the evidence of how he coped with the short ball either his technique or the bat was at fault. It was, of course, the bat. As he stormed off he tossed the offending piece of wood to (at?) Jim Alldis who was fielding in the gulley saying: “No-one could bat with that fucking thing, you have it!” (Note: Jim Alldis was a left arm spinner of uncertain temperament who, for some reason, had earned the sobriquet “Penguin’s bastard son”.)
Finally, I believe there was a misprint in Penguin’s description of me. Surely he meant Cartwright (of the Tom variety) not carthorse.
Headingley Images
For reasons that have never been explained, they have a Jazz band at Headingley on test match days that plays inside the ground but behind the stands. Its weird but I rather like it.
On my way to the ground I noticed this other alarming sight. The good news was that he seemed completely unable to get out.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket number 40
Wherever I have watched cricket this season one of the people I have watched with has asked why the boundary fielders are fifteen yards in from the boundary. It could be argued on very large grounds that the practice has been adopted to reduce the possibility of the batsmen taking a second run but nowadays the rope is pulled so far in to try to facilitate lots of boundaries that that makes no sense. No one outside the freemasonry of modern coaches knows the answer but it did lead to one of the greatest catches ever in Surrey’s innings during the semi final of the Twenty20 Cup at Trent Bridge. Will Smith was fielding in no man’s land at deep square leg to Graham Swann’s bowling. He offered a full toss, which Azhar clubbed towards him. Smith started back peddling and then leapt up and caught the ball airborne at full stretch, falling backwards above his head. If he had had been stationed properly on the boundary it would have been a fairly regulation catch. Later in the day at long off, fifteen yards in, he didn’t lay a hand on a ball that bounced behind him and went for four.
Strange Elevens
I replied to the Great Jack Morgan regarding the Strange Eleven in the last edition as follows: “My silence on the Mushtaq Ali side surely speaks volumes. I don’t have a clue where to start. Did Enoch get it? I know, you were having lunch with the Professor of Cricket at Reading University and you came up with this wheeze to get me. Hang on I’ve got it they have all been out hit wicket on a Bank Holiday. Next test please.” In the event it turned out to be a repeat of an earlier Jazz hat side. This lot all went on the celestial tour in 2005.
The Great Jack Morgan has a seemingly endless supply of teams to test you with and if I don’t use them straight away he updates them as new candidates make themselves available. Whilst we were watching Yassir Arafat subdue Kent at Hove earlier this year he decided to bring Sussex’s giant, Ollie Rayner, into the following side since it gave it a better spin option:
John Barclay
Paul Terry
Bas Zuiderent
Ted Dexter
Eoin Morgan
Donald Carr
Niall O’Brien (w/k)
Roland Lefebvre
Ollie Rayner
Amjad Khan
Ole Mortensen
As usual all you have to do is identify which Jazz hat fits them all.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
a� 'NG��O�style='mso-tab-count:1'> Jeremy Snape
John Shepherd
Alex Wharf
Tony Lock
Neil Killeen
All you have to do is decide what they have in common.
Football Matters
I was hoping to bring you an update on Andrew Baker’s new role as Manager of Kelvin West’s local soccer side. However, Andrew has proved extremely difficult to contact and all I get back is messages saying that he is “tied up”, “giving one on one coaching sessions”, “the team are exercising behind closed doors” etc. As soon as I hear anything from the man himself I will pass it on.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
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However, we tracked down a club that has had honourable mentions in this chronicle, and so she is now a Teddington member, benefiting from the advice of real coaching, and not just Grandfather and (occasionally) Dad. But it did not take Touche Ross - or whoever they are today - to calculate that it has cost the better part of five hundred pounds to kit her out, send her to Lord’s, pay her club sub, etc. Is this still, sadly, a reason why the Summer Game struggles against that other 11-a-side pastime, where all you basically need is a football?
Ashes Matters and another Crawshay Offer Dick Crawshay vents his spleen over the ticketing arrangements for this winter’s activities and makes you all another generous offer
Well the Ashes series has started in earnest with the Australian side showing severe cracks in their armoury. The ticketing arrangements were a scandal. They simply learnt nothing form the Olympic experience, where the ticketing problems resulted in an official apology form the Government Minister in charge. Thankfully the games didn’t suffer the same fate.
The planning for the ticket allocation for the Ashes series seemed sensible. Set up a site for the keen supporters, calling them ‘The Cricket Family’. Send them emails telling them how special they are and how easy it will be to get tickets. Keep up the excitement with a countdown on days to go- and get ready to order. Give them a personal access code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters
You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 46
October 2006
Ashes Matters
Nearly everybody got picked in the end to go to Australia. You had to be either foreign or totally out of favour to avoid selection for one of the two parties. Those who missed the boat, or rather plane, included Gareth Batty, Alex Loudon, James Chucker Kirtley, Glen Chapple, Lardarse and, of course, Andy Caddick. They also chose to omit Mark Butcher, who had been strongly tipped, at least by me. And of course they left out the P.C.A. player of the year, Mark Ramprakesh.
The selection of all other English qualified county players is an attempt to avoid the ludicrous situation on the last Ashes trip when they took invalids with them and hoped that forty-eight hours in the sun would cure them. Now they have umpteen reserves on hand, or at least three thousand miles away in slum accommodation in Perth, to step into the breaches as they appear. But even these arrangements don’t stand up to too much scrutiny.
The latest round of Banger’s Leave is as troubling as his lack of runs this summer. It seems that they are planning to use this summer’s batsmen with Flintoff coming into the first six instead of Banger or one of the usual suspects, probably Collingwood. Form doesn’t look like being a feature and so only injury could bring forward Key, Joyce or the back in favour, without having done anything to merit it, Shah.
The most bizarre selection is that of four wicket keepers in the two parties. Reid’s position is apparently not secure since he hasn’t even been awarded a central contract unlike Jones the Ball and Peg Leg who have long-term sick notes. Why are they paid to test out crutches? Davies seems to have leap-frogged Wallace, Nash, Scott, Foster, Sutton, Ambrose, Batty and all the other guys the Great Jack Morgan has so patiently been keeping tabs on for us. Why is Prior back in the frame if Reid is picked before him? Is he a better keeper than Teflon? Perhaps he will open the batting in the world cup with no explanation again as to why.
And then there is the quick bowling. This has all the potential of a Brian Rix farce. Of the six in the senior group Flintoff, Anderson, Plunkett and Harmison are already officially injured and none will be match fit by Brisbane since are no matches to play in. This leaves Hoggard who had a poor summer in conditions that should suit him better than those he will get in Australia and who Boycott says is also injured. Which leaves Mahmood who has potential but is totally unreliable. So how long will it be before the guys in Perth start getting the call? And who are they? Tremlett is also not yet match fit; Lewis is only used with extreme reluctance (would Fletch have ever played Mike Hendrick?), Clarke sprays it worse than Mahmood and this leaves the new boys-Broad, Onions and Smith. We could get to Sydney with the new ball in the hands of Onions and Smith with Bopara as first change.
Dalrymple is now being spoken of as having just missed out on the main party but its only his ODI form, idiosyncratic slogging and negative bowling, not his Middlesex performances, that have got him there. Is he the new Lardarse? Is it only his batting that keeps Doshi out of the reckoning? And has Udal done even less than he did last year when he got selected? And what of Batty who mesmerised the West Indians in the spring and also scored some runs this summer? Perhaps it’s a pity that the Welsh Wizard retired after all. Although I see that he has now retired from captaincy as well, perhaps to concentrate on a comeback?
David Tune sent me the following: “Mike Selvey, cricket laureate of the Guardian, seems to have an inexhaustible fund of anecdotes with which to illustrate the points he wants to make. The latest to catch my eye was included in an article he wrote about how Strauss may be feeling after losing the captaincy to Freddie. Selvey took the quote from a slim volume of sporting verse for which he wrote the forward, it is from a poem entitled “Dropped” which concludes: “Though bile makes a bitter cup/I cannot but hope they fuck it up”.
I replied: “I think that Strauss is well off not being in charge in Australia. The wheels will start falling off rapidly and in some cases won't get bolted on in the first place. It seems unlikely, though, that he will not be captaining for at least part of the tour. Modern sports surgery is clever but rarely totally effective. I don't see Freddie bowling at 90mph for long.”
Miserable Matters The Great Jack Morgan points out how desperate 2006 has been for us West Londoners, but he has a solution for at least one of his sides
We are favourites for the ignominious three relegations in one-year scenario: can we claim to be the first to achieve this? If there had been relegation in the Dumberer competition, we would have achieved four! Middlesex are bottom of the division in the Pro40 and have been relegated. They are bottom of the division in the Championship and have been relegated. They were bottom of the league in the 20/20. The Rangers are bottom of the Championship and must be favourites for relegation. My rugby team, Harlequins, are bottom of the Premiership, but probably have a chance of avoiding relegation because only one team goes down. Five bottoms... what a bum year!
I am now taking an old badly mangled ball with me to all Middlesex matches so that when the ball goes into the crowd, I toss back the old ball and get the game awarded to Middlesex.
But at the PCA Dinner this happened
Middlesex CCC was the only team to receive an award. They were awarded the MCC Spirit of Cricket Award 2006. The Professional Cricketers’ Association (PCA), in association with NatWest and the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB), named Middlesex for the award in recognition of their discipline throughout the season. The trophy is on offer each season to the most disciplined county cricket team, with points awarded by the umpires to each team at the end of each Liverpool Victoria County Championship match, Pro 40 League match and Twenty20 Cup group match, based on the conduct of all members of the side. Each county's points tally is logged in a table with the top team at the end of the season winning the `MCC Spirit of Cricket County Team Award'.
Extraordinary! What does this tell us about the state of the game when the most unsuccessful team in modern history is recognised for upholding the spirit of the game? Perhaps Middlesex will revert to cheating next season and get promoted.
Ball tampering and all that Jazz The Professor bravely sent me this
I was surprised that none of your correspondents in the last issue of Googlies took on the subject of the day, namely: Deadly Darrell. By the time Issue no. 46 comes out the investigative committee will have met and decided his fate. Since he is undoubtedly an Australian it may be that none of your readers care what happens to him. But I think the readership of G&C should have a collective view and perhaps make a formal submission to the committee on behalf of proper cricket supporters who know what they are talking about. Then again...
Anyway, notwithstanding the fact that the verdict will be known before anyone but you reads this, I thought I would eschew pusilanimousness and give it a go. There seem to be two polar positions:
the umpires (plural) are in charge, the laws were applied "to the letter" (why do we say that, by the way? What else could a law have but letters?), end of story;
alternatively, Hair dislikes Pakistanis and Asian people in general and is undoubtedly a racist (this position being supported by a bizarre run out of Inzy and the no-balling of Murali).
It must be possible to occupy the middle ground, and so I will tiptoe onto it. It seems to me that the two issues of ball tampering and forfeiting the game while, of course, both dealt with by the laws, are quite different in kind.
In the first case, the ball either was or wasn't tampered with; the umpires must have some sort of evidence and they made a decision. In this sense it is no different to any other decision that they have to make. All this stuff about them being "judge and jury" is ludicrous. Of course they are. That is what umpires do when they judge an LBW, caught behind, or whatever. Of course the ball tampering decision is tantamount to the charge of cheating, but in that it is only different in scale from a "Not Out" verdict for an appeal for a catch which clearly bounced. I think we can all set aside the disingenuous retort that the fielder "may not have known".
The decision to abandon the game was, however, in my view, rather different. Again the law was applied. The umpires took the field, then (as I understand they are required to do) went to investigate why the fielding side was not there, then took the field again, and finally abandoned the game. Fine. Except there were twenty-odd thousand people inside the ground who had paid to see people play cricket and two sides who (eventually) seemed to want to play. So what we are talking about now is a comparatively few minutes which were needed to entice the Pakistan team out of the changing room and on to the field. No doubt there was a bit of posturing going on, but it should be possible for grown up people to sort that out and get back on the field. What are all these hangers-on who mill around the changing rooms for anyway if not to use some diplomatic skills? Perhaps they don't have any. Or perhaps Hair is just un-persuadable. I don't know. But I think the decision to abandon the game was, frankly, foolish - whereas the decision to punish a side that tampers with the ball was, given the available evidence, what umpires are supposed to do.
...so there.
With the benefit of hindsight I can now add
Well not one to be controversial I am reluctant to be drawn into this murky territory. However, we are talking here about cheating and everyone seems to be confessing to different levels of it, particularly bowlers. At South Hampstead, when not keeping wicket, Harold Stubbs could make the oldest, most battered ball come up bright and shiny, but was he cheating? He didn’t think so.
Personally I doubt whether the Pakistanis did anything unacceptable to the ball, although they may have done so in the past, but I think that Cook and KP's persistent not walking when everyone knows they are out to be seriously damaging to the game. No wonder the England team didn’t get the Spirit of Cricket Award.
What is clear is that Hare applied the law as it stands and he has been told he was wrong. This is ludicrous and the law must be changed or at least clarified. The penalty must also be addressed. If cheating only warrants a five run penalty what does this say to the players? Deliberate fouls in soccer are now dealt with by banishment from the rest of the match. If KP thought that he would be ejected from the game and face a ban from the next match and England would have to field with only ten men he might be more prepared to walk when he is out. That would set a standard that youngsters, like Cook, would automatically follow.
Out and about with the Professor
The Professor’s perambulations this month took him across the Irish Sea
I spent this weekend in the fair city of Derry in Northern Ireland. Sadly the school I was visiting wasn’t in the fair bit but in the Creggan. It had experienced (and withstood) difficulties that would be hard to make up but is now, happily, a thriving institution. The famous Irish hospitality made my visit great fun and it also coincided with the final of the All Ireland Hurling Competition. I guess most of your readers will have seen snippets of hurling on the TV but this was the first time I had ever sat through an entire match. I was in the company of two of my hosts who thought I would appreciate having some of the subtleties of the game explained to me.
In truth I struggled hard to find anything happening on the field that could be described as in any way subtle. Indeed “subtle” and “hurling” must be up there with “Aussie Rules” as a candidate for the leading sporting oxymoron. The game, as I’m sure you will know, requires each team to whack the ball between the posts with their sticks – 1 point for above the bar, 3 for below. In the process the hard leather ball is hit huge distances down the ground and the players beat each other with their sticks in an attempt to gain possession. The whole thing resembles a running fight with cudgels. Often a full-blooded hit is blocked by another player standing only a foot or so away. Most, but not all, the players wear helmets, although my more “traditional” advisors thought this a sissy modern development. None of the players had shin pads. The most “traditional” player, Brian Corcoran, had no protective headgear and his socks rolled down. Both teams have goalkeepers who can be fired at at point blank range and neither had a helmet or seemingly any other protection, although they did seem to have slightly bigger sticks.
The competing teams were Cork (who had won the two previous finals) and Kilkenny. The “Cats” took an early advantage and came out convincing winners, thus halting Cork’s ambition of three-in-a-row. It was, so I was informed, a particularly skilful and clean match and indeed I only saw three or four fights throughout the whole 70 minutes. The Cork defence seemed to revolve around a huge man called Gardiner whose principal tactic was to hit the ankles of the opposing forwards as hard as he possibly could. This led the referee to intervene on a couple of occasions. The game gives the ref. three course of action – a red and yellow card as in football and also a lesser sanction of being “shown the notebook”. Mr Gardiner accrued both notebook and yellow but, presumably because he failed to completely sever any lower limbs, did not get a red card. Tripping seemed to be the biggest crime…together with the occasional attempted decapitation. My informants told me that the game was spoilt by too much “lying on the ball” – a tactic whereby the defender prevents the ball being played by kneeling on top of it, thereby presenting a perfect target for a beating which in any other context would land the perpetrators in protective custody.
Hurling has a great tradition, and like so many other things in Ireland, has a powerful and important political resonance. However, if you care to run a competition of “sports you would like to watch but are pleased never to have played”, I would be happy to offer as my entry…Hurling.
ps You will be sorry to learn that Radlett gained promotion to the league of death despite us beating them at home and away. Sadly WGCCC fell 6 runs short of victory the weekend before and thus, by that margin, missed out on the championship. Bugger!
The Blonger
Steve Thompson bravely recalls some humiliating moments
It is what makes cricket the ultimate leveller. That anyone from the most feted Test player to the ordinary village cricketer can score no more than their granny- even Boycott’s granny. There are many terms to describe it: nought, a duck, without troubling the scorers and no doubt many others. But no term so perfectly generates that ultimate sense of batting failure than that articulated so readily by Tubby Peach, ‘…a blonger, mate!’ No one before or since can have announced the poor wretch’s effort with such joy (the opposition) or vehemence (the South Hampstead player). In the former case the last syllable would be accompanied by that wonderful smile, eyes enlarging. In the case of the latter, I learnt, one felt better if eye contact was avoided!
I am not alone, I hope, in remembering some noughts more than others. I write from the comfortable position of never having been threatened, unlike the publisher of this organ, by the Olympic Rings nor indeed had successive ducks. But my first recollection is the ultimate failure of its kind since indeed many grannies could have done better; that is a diamond duck, run out without facing a ball.
What better time than on your first representative match for London Schools at senior level. I was but a mere fourth former, I recall, drafted in by Russ Collins. I came to the crease when we were not very many for four. Those readers who remember Alan Holley will recall his calm, unflappable manner on the cricket field. I had already been led astray a year earlier in Guernsey on the school’s tour and I might have chosen many others for my batting partner on debut. If words of greeting were exchanged I cannot recall them. Certainly none were during the process of trying to add the first run to our partnership which ended with me having been lured out of my crease by a five yard sprint from the striker which culminated in an about turn sufficiently late in the day for me to be so far out of my ground for the shortest sighted of grannies to have given me out without reference to Ian Gould.
My second indelibly etched first-baller was at South Hampstead on a Wednesday. It will have been in the very early 70’s and certainly before the wonderful Ossie Burton was playing for the club at weekends. On this occasion he was playing for Surbiton or another of Dick Simpson’s elevens. I had only played against Ossie on one previous occasion the summer before over at Surbiton on a Sunday in June and had the bruises to prove it the following morning when undressing for PE. On this particular occasion I was batting at four but at the time of the fall of the second wicket I was ensconced on the toilet suffering from a dose of the squits. Suffering the latter does not encourage expansive forward play- generally an essential early on against the Great Man I was later to discover. Suffice to say that within 3 minutes of leaving my seat I returned to it, still warm, with only the sound of clattering stumps for company.
My final recollection dates back to the semi-final of the National at York in 1975. Not a day to get nought let alone a first-baller in front of a sizeable partisan crowd. I was probably the only one of the five lbw’s given by the home umpire (was he really called Sidney Orange?) that was actually out but I left the ground to the strains of, ‘ Fuck off back down south yer useless git!’
A Xenophobe Replies Murray Hedgcock sticks his head above the parapet
I'm not quite sure of the Googlies and Chinamen definition of "xenophobe", but the word does seem to generate considerable heat. The September issue recorded Jack Morgan's argument that the county cutback to a single overseas player for 2008 would lower the standard, and be welcomed only by the xenophobes.
The Concise Oxford lists xenophobia as "intense or irrational dislike or fear of people from other countries". That is certainly not the reasoning behind my belief that counties should basically comprise locals who represent thier own community, and especially that the England team be truly English (with of course places for any Scots, Welsh or Northern Irish).
Has there been anything sillier than the endless processions of season 2006, with a string of overseas players slipping in and out of county sides, some playing for as little as three weeks? I cite Justin Langer's brief foray to Somerset - not least as he made a county name with Middlesex. The speed with which others have come and gone has been genuinely bewildering.
If English cricket isn't good enough to produce its own players of international quality, without needing the constant spur of imported megastars, then it doesn't deserve to have a Test team. And it is the Test team which really fires my fury. England is virtually alone in finding it expedient to import outsiders (little New Zealand has had a couple, starting as far as I can recall with the West Indian Simpson Guillen). Australia - to its shame and my bitter regret - used that ultra-mercenary Keppler Wessels before he scurried home to lead his nation of origin. (No mention, please, of Kiwi Grimmett). But how many imports are there in the Pakistan Test team - the West Indians - the Indians - the South Africans? Exactly.
Skipping the odd player (Midwinter, Woods and so on) who changed colours in an earlier age, English cricket has earned my scorn ever since it decided that Tony Greig was a native - despite his South African origins. Hick, Lamb, Robin and Chris Smith, McCague, Caddick, Geraint Jones maintained the pattern - and now England's great white hope is Kevin Pietersen.
Fully aware that by the time this appears on-screen, he may well have smashed his way to more centuries in his adopted colours, I record my glee when he hit rock-bottom against Pakistan - because he is not English, and should not play for England. From my original ultra-purist belief that you should play only for the country of your birth, I now acknowledge the mobility of the modern world, and argue that you should play for the nation where you learned the game - and Pietersen is a definite product of the veld.
Hooray for Panesar and Mahmood, following Nasser Hussein: all are British, and rightly were picked for their national team. There is a rich vein of Asian cricketing talent in the country which could lift the England eleven over the years ahead - and it would be good to see interest in the game revive among British West Indians.
And to return to xenophobia ("dislike or fear of people from other countries"); as an Aussie, I quite like the English, and fear few of them. If only you would pick your own people to face up to my lot, come the Ashes, I could like you so much more
Goklany’s 256 Ollie Gibbs provided some further detail on this extraordinary innings
Further to your report of Kunal Goklany's efforts for Shepherd's Bush C.C. 3rd XI, I just wish to add that he came to the wicket in the 5th over and was out (whereupon the innings closed) in the 41st. The Bush then bowled North Mid out in 58.5 overs - one ball to spare!
Ray at the Crease David Tune sent me the following notes about his old Richmond colleague and batting partner, Peter Ray
Thank you for providing me with the latest edition of Googlies and Chinamen in which, courtesy of P.F. Ray, I seem to have occupied a totally undeserved amount of space. That said, I believe, in the cause of balanced journalism, I should provide my own critique of Peter Ray, who is a very dear friend. To outsiders, and I include our own team-mates, it may not have always appeared so. Indeed, our one-time captain, Dai Thomas, once summoned us from the bar into the dressing room for a dressing down the upshot of which was that unless we stopped arguing on the field of play he would drop us both. Neither PF nor myself had the slightest idea what he was talking about, we simply discussed — albeit in quite loud tones – the finer points of cricket and our own relative performances. The threat, however, came to nothing as the prospect having to lead Ray and Tune in “his” second eleven caused the only recorded sighting of Terry Harris choking into his pint.
As PF — oh, lets be done with formality, in Richmond and way beyond he’s the Penguin due to his uncanny resemblance to the evilest man in the world (my daughters still do not recognise the name Peter Ray) -- kindly gave you and your readers a critique of my abilities, I thought I should respond in kind. I will provide three anecdotes all connected with his “prowess” with the bat of which he is to this day inordinately proud. I will not mention his bowling as I regard Penguin as the finest bowler I have ever played with. All three incidents I witnessed at first hand as I was batting at the other end.
The first took place at Shepherds Bush CC. Penguin and I were striving to avoid defeat in a Middlesex League match in the gathering gloom. The Bush’s captain, Alf Langley, brought back Martin Jean-Jaques to blow us away and seal victory. J-J is of West Indian origin and at that time was decidedly slippery. The Penguin was on strike. J-J began his run up but was halted by Penguin’s up raised glove (think a policeman screwing up the flow of London’s traffic). “J-J, old boy, its getting very dark — do you think you could give us a grin when you set of, just so I know when you’re on your way?” Somewhat bemused J-J returned to the end of his run, and set of again. Once more he was halted in mid-acceleration. This time the Penguin — his face set in a rictus of a grin — chided: “J-J, don’t forget the grin when you begin.” For a third time J-J returned to his mark, he grinned as required, set off and, six paces into his run, subsided to the ground giggling hysterically. As which point Alf Langley commented: “You bastard Penguin, he’ll not bowl another quick ball tonight.” He didn’t and Richmond (Ray?) got away with a draw.
The second incident, at Old Deer Park, occurred in another league match, this time against our dear friends from Finchley. Richmond had suffered a batting collapse (an all too frequent occurrence in those days) of such calamitous proportions that both the Penguin and myself were at the wicket well before lunch. The Penguin was not best pleased that I was batting ahead of him (when he tells this story he produces various reasons for this such as he’d such faith in the batters he’d popped into Richmond to do some shopping) but lost no time in asserting his seniority and authority -- “Tuney, we’re going to have to bat for a long, long time.” He immediately charged his first ball, missed and was a sight closer to me than his crease when James, the wicket keeper, removed the bails. Finchley, led by their captain (and, according to PF, my self acclaimed “bunny”) Mike Milton did not celebrate. They gathered round me demanding to know what he’d said. I told the truth and so prolonged was their hysteria we damn near won the match.
The third incident was again against Finchley in the league at Old Deer Park. The Penguin had obtained a top of the range SS Jumbo bat, which in its original state was not to his liking. So he drilled some holes in it. On the evidence of how he coped with the short ball either his technique or the bat was at fault. It was, of course, the bat. As he stormed off he tossed the offending piece of wood to (at?) Jim Alldis who was fielding in the gulley saying: “No-one could bat with that fucking thing, you have it!” (Note: Jim Alldis was a left arm spinner of uncertain temperament who, for some reason, had earned the sobriquet “Penguin’s bastard son”.)
Finally, I believe there was a misprint in Penguin’s description of me. Surely he meant Cartwright (of the Tom variety) not carthorse.
Headingley Images
For reasons that have never been explained, they have a Jazz band at Headingley on test match days that plays inside the ground but behind the stands. Its weird but I rather like it.
On my way to the ground I noticed this other alarming sight. The good news was that he seemed completely unable to get out.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket number 40
Wherever I have watched cricket this season one of the people I have watched with has asked why the boundary fielders are fifteen yards in from the boundary. It could be argued on very large grounds that the practice has been adopted to reduce the possibility of the batsmen taking a second run but nowadays the rope is pulled so far in to try to facilitate lots of boundaries that that makes no sense. No one outside the freemasonry of modern coaches knows the answer but it did lead to one of the greatest catches ever in Surrey’s innings during the semi final of the Twenty20 Cup at Trent Bridge. Will Smith was fielding in no man’s land at deep square leg to Graham Swann’s bowling. He offered a full toss, which Azhar clubbed towards him. Smith started back peddling and then leapt up and caught the ball airborne at full stretch, falling backwards above his head. If he had had been stationed properly on the boundary it would have been a fairly regulation catch. Later in the day at long off, fifteen yards in, he didn’t lay a hand on a ball that bounced behind him and went for four.
Strange Elevens
I replied to the Great Jack Morgan regarding the Strange Eleven in the last edition as follows: “My silence on the Mushtaq Ali side surely speaks volumes. I don’t have a clue where to start. Did Enoch get it? I know, you were having lunch with the Professor of Cricket at Reading University and you came up with this wheeze to get me. Hang on I’ve got it they have all been out hit wicket on a Bank Holiday. Next test please.” In the event it turned out to be a repeat of an earlier Jazz hat side. This lot all went on the celestial tour in 2005.
The Great Jack Morgan has a seemingly endless supply of teams to test you with and if I don’t use them straight away he updates them as new candidates make themselves available. Whilst we were watching Yassir Arafat subdue Kent at Hove earlier this year he decided to bring Sussex’s giant, Ollie Rayner, into the following side since it gave it a better spin option:
John Barclay
Paul Terry
Bas Zuiderent
Ted Dexter
Eoin Morgan
Donald Carr
Niall O’Brien (w/k)
Roland Lefebvre
Ollie Rayner
Amjad Khan
Ole Mortensen
As usual all you have to do is identify which Jazz hat fits them all.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
a� 'NG��O�style='mso-tab-count:1'> Jeremy Snape
John Shepherd
Alex Wharf
Tony Lock
Neil Killeen
All you have to do is decide what they have in common.
Football Matters
I was hoping to bring you an update on Andrew Baker’s new role as Manager of Kelvin West’s local soccer side. However, Andrew has proved extremely difficult to contact and all I get back is messages saying that he is “tied up”, “giving one on one coaching sessions”, “the team are exercising behind closed doors” etc. As soon as I hear anything from the man himself I will pass it on.
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
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However, we tracked down a club that has had honourable mentions in this chronicle, and so she is now a Teddington member, benefiting from the advice of real coaching, and not just Grandfather and (occasionally) Dad. But it did not take Touche Ross - or whoever they are today - to calculate that it has cost the better part of five hundred pounds to kit her out, send her to Lord’s, pay her club sub, etc. Is this still, sadly, a reason why the Summer Game struggles against that other 11-a-side pastime, where all you basically need is a football?
Ashes Matters and another Crawshay Offer Dick Crawshay vents his spleen over the ticketing arrangements for this winter’s activities and makes you all another generous offer
Well the Ashes series has started in earnest with the Australian side showing severe cracks in their armoury. The ticketing arrangements were a scandal. They simply learnt nothing form the Olympic experience, where the ticketing problems resulted in an official apology form the Government Minister in charge. Thankfully the games didn’t suffer the same fate.
The planning for the ticket allocation for the Ashes series seemed sensible. Set up a site for the keen supporters, calling them ‘The Cricket Family’. Send them emails telling them how special they are and how easy it will be to get tickets. Keep up the excitement with a countdown on days to go- and get ready to order. Give them a personal access code that is impossible to remember and difficult to decipher, and wait for the phones to ring and the website to open.
Thursday 1st June is ‘A’ day. I was ready with my laptop and back up multi- line phone at my side. First problem- not one access point for all tickets, but separate ones and even separate ticket agencies for each venue. So choose your priorities first.
I chose Sydney. I live here. It’s a smaller ground and tickets will be harder to get. Another choice to make- which day? Can’t book all days, have to re-register for each day. So dialling, typing, dialling, typing. All engaged. Internet site not accessible. Manage to access, then it crashes, and crashes again. Phone lines still constantly engaged. After an hour of continuous attempts I finally get through. All tickets sold out in Sydney!
Try Melbourne. Buy tickets for the first day- times out just as I’m putting in my credit card detail. Drat it. Try again…and again. Finally get tickets for the Second Day of the Melbourne test, then the third, and then the fourth. (First day sold out in 20 minutes).
Now I will get ready to try again when the general issue is made. Fracas gets media attention in spades. Officials explain they could not predict the huge demand. They couldn’t, but I, and every other cricket fan could! Incidentally, they sold out so quickly because you were able to purchase up to ten tickets each time. Now that’s a sure way to encourage scalpers- the very thing they were saying wouldn’t happen.
Anyway, back to general issue. With staggered availability dates for Sydney and Melbourne- this will overcome the problems, they said. Armed as before, no problems with the technique. Results exactly the same. Cannot access by Internet or phone. Sydney sold out in 15 minutes! Melbourne applications open two days later. Apply for first day- nup, sold out!
So I have four tickets for 2nd, 3rd and 4th days in Melbourne, but dammit it, I only want two! So the real point of this missive is to ask you if you want to publish this note in the next issue of Googlies and Chinamen, so see if any of the subscribers wish to purchase two tickets for 2/3/4 days of Melbourne test at the issue prices. They are all reserved tickets, mainly in the Great Southern stand, but the prices vary slightly. Day 2 is $42 per ticket. Day 3 is $52 per ticket. Day 4 is $70 per ticket. I will hold on to them for a few weeks to see if any SCD Old boys etc. are keen on coming out to Oz at Christmas.
Jeez, I hope they play better cricket than their officials can administer ticket allocation.
If anyone wants to take Dick up on his offer I can let you have his contact details
Match Reports
You get two for the price of one this time. The following games took place over the weekend of Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th June 1980.The first took place at Sidmouth Road between South Hampstead and Stanmore first elevens and the Sunday match was at Lonsdale Road between South Hampstead and Barnes first elevens.
Once League and Cup cricket commenced I played most of my cricket on a Sunday but would always fill in if the Saturday side were short or in need of a keeper. This must have been one such occasion and I played in both of these matches that are linked for a special reason.
The Stanmore match was a Lambert and Butler cup game of 45 overs per side and was played in perfect conditions. Steve Thompson, the Saturday captain, wasn’t playing and the scoresheet does not record who led the side. I suspect that it was Terry Cordaroy but it may have been Bob Cozens. South Hampstead batted first and Terry opened the batting with Mark Rigby against Stanmore’s new ball attack of Ross Chiese and Arthur Ferry. Progress was steady if unspectacular and when Ferry gave way after nine overs to Kirby the score was only 34. However, runs began to flow more freely and Terry reached his fifty in 65 minutes. The hundred partnership followed and then Rigby reached his fifty after ninety-eight minutes. The field settings became more defensive as the innings progressed and both batsmen scored a large number of singles. In due course Terry completed his hundred and the double century partnership was reached. When the forty-five overs were completed Cordaroy had reached 127 and Rigby was 92 not out. South Hampstead had scored 240 for 0. Jeremy Asquith and David Simpson had been padded up all afternoon but were not required.
Ellis and Mawson opened the Stanmore innings against Ossie Burton and Ross Bevins. With the score at 21 Bevins bowled Ellis and then David Simpson took over from Ossie and dismissed Mawson and Nickless to leave Stanmore on 86 for 3. Tyler was going well but when he had reached 55 he was caught by Simpson off Bob Cozens. Although Chiese and Nicholls both went cheaply to Lyric Carter Stanmore were still in the game as long as Webb stayed at the crease. However, in the pursuit of quick runs Kirby, Pauncefort and Summaria were all run out. When Arthur Ferry came to the crease Ossie had been recalled but it was Webb who was the last wicket to fall when Ossie bowled him for 76. Stanmore had scored a creditable 216 in 42.3 overs.
At Barnes on the Sunday I won the toss and South Hampstead batted first on a very dry wicket. Rigby hadn’t been selected for this match and I moved Cordaroy down the order to give some of our other batsmen the chance of a knock. Kit Fawcett opened the batting with Steve Thompson and when the latter was caught for 59 after seventy-six minutes the score was 90. Fawcett was caught for 42 at 115 and this brought Tim Miles in to join Ranji Kerai. Ranji was bowled for 26 and Miles was caught for 37. This brought Bob Cozens in to join Cordaroy who had joined the proceedings at the unaccustomed role as number five. Bob, as was his wont, clubbed a couple of sixes and I was able to declare after fifty overs at 222 for 4.
You never really knew what to expect with Barnes as they were a peripheral club to our usual opposition and they did have some fine players in Alastair Brittain and Richard Smethers. But on this occasion neither of them was playing. Rice and Carter opened the bowling for us and the opening batsmen, Lomas and Coombes, saw them off, albeit making slow progress. Rice gave way to Bob Cozens and Carter to John Mountjoy. After Bob made the breakthrough Mountjoy had a dramatic impact on the proceedings. He was a tall lad and a nephew of the professional snooker player, still at university, with big hands and bowled off spin. On this occasion the increasingly dusty surface gave him a lot of assistance and he turned it almost square. He took wickets in his second, third and fourth overs and the game was virtually over. Bob Cozens grabbed another couple of wickets but it was Mountjoy who was nearly unplayable and he soon finished off the innings. His final analysis was 7 for 14 in 12.1 overs whilst Cozens took 3 for 33. Barnes succumbed for 90 after being 49 for 0.
The thing that links these two games is the first wicket stands shared between the four South Hampstead batsmen who added 330 over the weekend before the first wicket fell.
For those of you wondering what my contribution to the two victories was, I cannot recall any specific personal feat but I can report that the scorecards say that I took a catch on the Saturday and a stumping on the Sunday and conceded no byes all weekend. So there.
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket – Number 38
There was a time when wicket keeping was a serious art, practised by specialists who performed the role with dignity and style. You only have to picture John Murray, Jimmy Binks and Bob Taylor in action. Surprisingly, this is not going to be another tirade against the lack of skill exhibited by the various Johnnies who now get the job because someone lent them a pair of gloves. What concerns us here is that the second requirement of being a wicket keeper today is that he is able to keep up a stream of non-stop verbal drivel whilst he is performing his tasks. (The first requirement is of course, that he can score more runs than the rest of the batters in the order above him.)
Having graduated from the moron finishing school the modern wicket keeper has first to learn all of the bowlers nick names and he is free to make some up, if there is not one in common use, by adding a y as suffix to their names. He then has to applaud and encourage the bowlers and fielders every ball with endlessly repetitive platitudes that would even embarrass a mediocre American motivational speaker.
He has to go to night classes to pick up the modern idioms that are simply euphemisms in disguise. For example if the bowler pitches on a good length, which after all is what he is supposed to do, our chirpy modern incumbent of the gloves has to bay out “Good areas”. When the bowler pitches an ordinary delivery that finds the middle of the bat he will cry out “Nice pressure”.
These pointless and tedious offerings are made all the more irritating to the unfortunate television viewer because of the presence of stump microphones. But this doesn’t excuse the practice. A classic example of this phenomenon of verbal pyrotechnics was displayed by the highly regarded Lancashire back up keeper, Gareth Cross, in the C&G victory over Warwickshire. The one advantage the development has is that if he misses the ball with his gloves there is a good chance that the ball will lodge in his ever-open mouth.
Strange Elevens
You may recall that in Editions 38 and 39 the Great Jack Morgan produced two sides of Shepherds Bush members who had all been at St. Clement Danes. Alvin Nienow detected the common Jazz Hat and promised to submit an alternate side that fitted the same cap. He has at last come up with his version, which looks as if it could drink anyone else under the table:
1. Jim Whyman-SCD pre-war-superb opening bat at Bush-in the Amelot best SCD XI-died at about 40 from cancer in 1960.
2. Jack Barrett-again pre-war – 1st XI opening bat and occasional leg spin, loved his gin
3. Paddy Malone-School Captain, left SCD ’49-occasional Bush 1st XI
4. Ray Bixley-50?-occasional Bush 1st XI
5. Den Pierce-56- womaniser, body builder and therefore hard hitter-mainly 1st XI
6. Jim Nethaway- 51-occasional 1st XI-cricket and regular choice for drinking XI
7. Ted Nethaway- 50?-elder brother to Jim, slow left arm and bat-mainly 1st XI
8. Andrew Richmond-60? 2nd or 3rd XI (father 3rd XI captain for many years)
9. Duncan Kerr- 54 Brilliant jazz piano, chess and maths-2nd XI
10. ‘Slosh’ Knubley-51? -Captain-brilliant leader of Bush 3rd XI late 1950’s-first choice for drinking XI
11. Dennis Austen-pre-war (wkt)-3rd XI only-President for many years and definitely captain of the drinking XI
12th man - Jackson-54? -2ndXI bat.
Alvin admits, “My side is very light on bowling but has plenty of characters and would have won most matches in the bar! Of Jack Morgan’s XI, I only had John Adams since his father skippered the Bush 3rd XI in my time there, probably after Slosh Knubley.”
I suppose that it is time to produce a Danes based side for South Hampstead. Can anyone oblige?
The Great Jack Morgan has come up with yet another side to qualify for a unique Jazz Hat. Can you work out which one it is?
Vic Wilson
Matt Prior
Brian Taylor (w/k)
Ken Suttle
Alex Loudon
Graeme Swann
Keith Medlycott
Martyn Ball
Ashley Cowan
Ricky Ellcock
Jason Brown
Football Matters
You may recall that in last month’s edition Kelvin West made an appeal to find a new manager for his local park side. Andrew Baker was first off the blocks and he sent me a most impressive CV, which I was happy to forward to Kelvin. After a rigorous interview process Andrew was installed as the new manager and he is licking them into shape, so to speak.
Andrew Baker looking pretty pleased with himself about his new job
The training sessions have so far been held in camera but Kelvin crept into the training ground and snapped this photo of the team practising its new “wall” to defend free kicks.
Quiz answers
7. c; 8. a, b, c; 9. d; 10. d
Googlies Volume 2 now available
I have now published the second twenty editions of Googlies & Chinamen in hardback form. Both volumes are available from www.lulu.com or if you prefer from me at the contact details below.
Earlier Editions I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them. If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
Tel & fax: 01298 70237
Email: [email protected]
