GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 13
January 2004
Billy Russell
My newest correspondent is John Tutton, the older brother of Bruce. John continued to play for South Hampstead until 1970, when he found the weekly journey from Oxfordshire too much. He joined Reading CC and played there with Alvin Nienow who went onto skipper the side after John moved to Abingdon CC. John then moved to Kent and played at Ashford CC until he retired in 1980. John was an off-spinner who partnered Roy Phipps for many years and was a very useful batsman, but got few chances to demonstrate his skills in Bob Peach’s very strong batting sides of the sixties at South Hampstead. John, like Bruce, is not hooked up to cyberspace but if anyone would like to contact either of them I will be pleased to forward their postal addresses.
Meanwhile, all this nostalgia has been stirring up memories for brother Bruce who recalls that he used to play cricket with Eric Russell in Gladstone Park, although he went by the name of Billy in those days. He also found himself alongside Bob Hurst when he was in the RAF. If Bob can find a pair of boots he can probably walk into the Middlesex side next year.
I received an excellent Christmas present from Bob Peach in the form of a slug of addresses from his private address book. I have already been in contact with the Legendary Len Stubbs who, lo and behold, has an email address. The Legendary Len had the best eye I ever played with and on his day, which was most, could hit any ball of any length or width over square leg. This was not power hitting in the David Hays mould but sheer timing. He also developed the facility at one stage for timing the ball off his left “three-spring” pad. When he got it working well he could easily beat extra cover as the ball cannoned off it. I will bring you more news of the Legendary Len in due course.
Kandy and all that After the euphoria of trouncing the up and soon to be heavy weight Bangla Desh side, England were brought down to rude reality in Sri Lanka. Against a side well below them in the ICC World Rankings they were thrashed in the only game played in the one-day series and went on to lose the test series 1-0. This should have been a 3-0 Brown Wash, but England were spared further indignity by some bizarre and magnanimous captaincy by Tillekeratne at Galle and Kandy. He set new standards of incompetence in judging the balance of the game, setting the tempo of batting, field placing, selection of bowlers, taking the new ball and coming off for bad light. He must have been the only person present on both occasions who thought that England could pull off a win.
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The BBC has taken a bashing from several of you. The Great Jack Morgan couldn’t understand why Test Match Special decided to give the Bangla Desh tour a miss and the Professor has submitted an article on the specialist commentators. Christopher Martin-Jenkins in his guise as cricket correspondent of The Times also gave BD a miss. Phil “very much so” and “have a dart” Tufnell joined the TMS team at Kandy but mysteriously disappeared on the last day to be replaced by Skid Marks, who was understandably puzzled by the Sri Lankan’s tactics but then he hadn’t had to witness their generosity over the previous nine days play.
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Tour Madness:
1. At Kandy Anderson, Hoggard and Johnson were left out to accommodate Collingwood. This effectively left a three man bowling attack since Peg Leg can never bring himself to bowl Batty for any length of time. Commentators keep saying Peg Leg should bowl himself, but he will only be effective if he gets some real experience. Where should he go for that? The County Championship is the answer, where he should bowl thirty overs a match next season. Then he might be ready for test match bowling.
2. The Zany Zimbabwean, Dozy Duncan and his coaching cronies decided that the way to combat spin in Sri Lanka was for the English batsmen to make an exaggerated stretch forward and pad the ball away. Being dutiful employees our guys all did as they were told. However, no one realized that adopting this ridiculous pose would lead to their back foot being dragged from the crease. Consequently there was a plethora of stumpings when the batsmen could not find the middle of the pad.
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The idiotic Simon Wilde is suggesting that the England players cannot perform because they are overworked. Three matches in three weeks doesn’t sound too exacting to me. Six innings in three weeks is normal for any club cricketer and it didn’t stop Terry Cordaroy scoring as many in the sixth innings as he did in the first. The modern international cricketer is a highly paid professional sportsman who should go out and perform as required. Besides Sri Lanka did OK, didn’t they?
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The most unpleasant sound in World Cricket at present is the appealing of the Sri Lankan wicket keeper, Sangakkara. It has no discernable words and sounds like a wild animal being subjected to an electric probe.
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Our two old friends Red Mist and Freeze Brain are never far from the action these days. Gareth Batty displayed the perfect Red Mist at Galle when, whilst blocking for a draw, he suddenly decided to try to hit Murali out of the ground and was bowled. New entrants to the Freeze Brain Hall of Fame are Tillekeratne and Chandana who were both dismissed offering no shot at Galle.
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The most unlikely hero of the month is the Indian pace bowler Agarkar who bowled the Australians out in Adelaide to set up an unexpected victory for the visitors. Does the name ring a bell? It should since he audaciously scored a century at Lords on the Indians last tour.
Near Humiliation
When Bob Peach decided to bring his highly successful reign as South Hampstead captain to a conclusion in 1970, he handed over to Ian Jerman on Saturdays and to Don Wallis on Sundays. In turn Don invited me to be his vice captain and I enthusiastically accepted. I threw myself into a range of duties including getting the sightscreens in place before play started, organizing the collection of the tea monies and match fee, and arranging lifts for players who hadn’t got their own transport. All of this was great fun, but I didn’t give too much thought to taking over from Don when he wasn’t available to play in a game.
Then it happened. Don wasn’t available and I had to lead the side against Old Grammarians on their ground. I had a strong side and assumed that it would be easy. We won the toss and batted. So far, so good. But no one really got going and we kept losing wickets. When we went into tea we had been bowled out for a paltry 105. I was glum- how could I go back to Milverton Road having lost my first game as captain?
The Old Grammarians lost an early wicket but this brought Derek Lawrence, their best player, to the crease. Derek always played his shots and on this occasion played several of them over the fence, the road and onto the adjacent Common. He raced to fifty out of 70 odd for 1. I had my two best bowlers on-the Australian, Steve Hatherall, bowling off-breaks and the Scotsman, Keith Hardie, bowling slow left arm, but all seemed lost. And then Derek holed out and we were back in it. Steve Hatherall was bowling no better than Keith but he started taking wickets and no other Old Grammarian made an impact with the bat and they failed to reach 100. Steve finished with eight wickets and Keith got the other two.
I had got away with it by the skin of my teeth. I hadn’t captained since my last year at school in 1966 and learned once again that you can take nothing for granted.
Project Salvation – Bailey’s Lore Trevor Bailey was 80 in December and this landmark was appropriately marked by two lunches at The Cricketers Club in his honour. It should be remembered that England was the leading test nation when Bailey was a member of the side. In an interview in The Times he said the following:
“ It’s no good having a county system unless the England players are going to play in it. The game has changed considerably, but we got to practise in the middle. I reckoned you had to play plenty of cricket otherwise you were wasting your time. I liked nets but I would rather score 30 runs in the middle than have five sessions of nets. I liked to bowl around 700 overs a season (about twice as many as England bowlers bowl today). I missed only one test match through injury. If I was playing today I don’t think I would last as long judging by the way they keep breaking down. I reckon they train too much and play too little.”
When Brian Statham was interviewed last summer he explained that for lunch on match days he would have a pint of beer and a cigarette…
At Colombo Freddie bowled eighteen overs in two days and then limped off injured. He later warned that such over bowling could jeopardize his future performances…
The Test Match Tri-Centurions
After Matthew Hayden scored his mammoth 380 at Perth, Simon Wilde wrote in the Sunday Times that he expected this score to be bettered in the near future. He was so pleased with this that he repeated the article in the Wisden Cricketer. I think that this belittles Hayden’s effort. The progression to this record is Hutton 364 in 1938, Sobers 365* in 1957-8, Lara 375 in 1993-4 and Hayden 380 in 2003. We have, therefore, only had three new world records in sixty-five years.
Since Lara’s record there have been three test match tri-centurions Jayasuria 340, Taylor 334*, and Inzaman-ul-Haq 329. Who are the candidates for beating Hayden? In December 2003 three of the world’s best batsmen played big innings: Ponting 257 & 242, Dravid 233 and Lara 202. All three effectively ran out of partners to progress their innings. Who else comes into the frame? Tendulkar can’t hit it off the square at present and his best test score is a relatively paltry 214. Graeme Smith played two magnificent innings in England in 2003 but the higher of them was still over a hundred behind the new record. Steve Waugh’s best effort is a miserable 200. Could an Englishman step up? Well, they really missed the boat since they had their chance on good pitches against the Zimbabwe side in 2003. Peg Leg must be the most likely but his best at 199 is only half way there. If I were prepared to hand over folding stuff to Arthur Gates, which I’m not, I would go for one of the Australians: Langer, Ponting or Hayden again or, if he can get someone to stay with him, the past holder of the record, Lara.
The other very real constraint is the circumstances of the match. If the captain lets someone go on to score 380 plus the chances are that the total will be around 750 and it is rare that a side needs this many to win. Indeed the time taken to go onto such a score will probably be at the expense of valuable bowling time to press for victory.
Simon Wilde needs to appreciate that the bar to all intents and purposes is now up at 400 and it will require a very special set of circumstances: wicket, opposition, partners at the other end, the will to do it and an indulgent captain for anyone to get that far.
Naff and Absentee Journalism The Professor has been getting up early to note naff journalism being raised to the next level
The epithet sad is perhaps better reserved for the national side that now treats clung-on-for draws as if they were victories. I listened to every ball bowled on the last day from 5am and dire stuff it was. Incidentally, the Beeb seem to have come up with a “summariser” who has taken your concept of “the reporter who isn’t there” to a new level. Roshan Somebody-or-other (and it is doubtless a longer name than “somebody-or-other”) does a delightful line in repeating what has just been said and thus removes his need to actually watch what is happening. There appear to be two Roshans – one who does some commentating and clearly is watching - and the “between-overs” one. They may be one and the same person-I’m not at my most lucid at 5am.
However, when Aggers says “Oh dear, that was too short and put away for four”, Roshan says “Yes, that was much too short and went to the boundary”. “That one’s down the leg side and the wicketkeeper couldn’t stop it.” “Wicket keeper missed the leg side delivery”. And so on and so on. The point about this is not that it is irritating – which it is - but that anyone could do it and it would not entail the expense of a trip to Galle. Indeed I would guess that even the Great Jack Morgan could manage it from a supine, almost comatose position under the duvet, although doubtless he could add some extra detail which the person who was actually there had missed. This is one step on from the television school of commentary that simply describes what everyone watching can see. Brian Moore used to be the expert at this –“Charlton shoots and the ball goes wide”. Yes we know – that is why we have bought a TV. Enough – I’m glad we drew but the whole set-up is dire.
And then there was more More excellent stuff from “Roshan” today, who is rapidly turning out to be my star of the series. Yesterday he was on with Christopher Martin Jenkins when Sri Lanka were going along happily and Fernando doing what many number 10s do – thrashing the England front line bowlers to all parts. Thus:
CMJ “and Fernando came out of his crease there, hit the ball on the half-volley, between mid-wicket and mid-on, all along the ground for four”
Roshan “yes, that was a good shot from Fernando, came down the wicket and hit the ball along the ground between the fielders at mid-on and mid-wicket for four runs."
CMJ (without any detectable hint of irony) “Perfectly described, Roshan.”
“Roshan” turns out to be R S Mahanama, who opened the batting for Sri Lanka at the back end of the 1980s. He toured England in 1988 (8 innings at 29.8, HS 46*). Wisden shows a picture of a tall boyish young man who, presumably even at that age, was showing a pre-nascent flair for almost faultless repetition. It is an amazing skill – matched only by CMJ’s and the other commentator’s ability to keep a straight face – or at least a straight sounding face.
I had thought repetition was his only skill, but today a new talent was revealed. CMJ (again – poor sod) was commenting on the comparative scoring rates by England in Candy (27 runs in 20 overs) and Australia in Adelaide (400 in no time flat – Ponting’s hundred had come from a little over 100 balls). Roshan was there to help with a pithy comment:
Roshan “Well sometimes you know Chris, in test cricket, the batsmen score slowly and… (pause for reflection here)…. sometimes more quickly.”
It is on early in the morning, but I assure you I’m not making this up.
We will return to commentators in the next issue
Who’d be an Umpire?
As soon as they started televising cricket the umpires job started to become impossible since the viewer got just about as good a sight of the play as the umpire did. Then when they developed the instant replay the viewer had a better chance than the umpire to assess the decision. The authorities then recognized that to avoid blatant injustices they would use the technology to help the guys in the middle by creating a third umpire who had recourse to the instant replay.
The third umpire is only supposed to be used for run-outs, stumpings and catches but at Kandy he was called upon to assess whether Murali was bowled or not. Most umpires automatically refer run-outs to the third umpire but, incredibly, new problems have emerged. Jayawardene was clearly passed the stumps when the wicket was broken but the camera detected that in the course of his running he had both feet in the air and his bat was not grounded. The third umpire did not give him out but all third umpires will be looking for this anomaly in future.
Hawkeye moves the goalposts even further and takes the doubt out of LBW since we can see exactly where the ball pitches and whether or not it would have hit the stumps. It is only a matter of time before the third umpire is armed with this tool for referrals. Who will suffer in these cases? All the evidence so far is that the batsmen will since they generally get the benefit of the doubt in close cases. They will soon be finding themselves walking back to the pavilion when Hawkeye shows that the ball would have grazed the leg stump even though Ian Botham said that it wouldn’t have hit another set.
So what will the men in the white coats be left to do? They will become rather like GPs who know little themselves but can identify when a complaint is worthy of sending to a specialist for a second opinion. At present they assess no balls and wides but this won’t last long, which will leave them with having to count the number of balls in the over. Money for old rope, really.
Physically and Mentally Handicapped
Whilst carrying out the research on George’s 1967 Danes side and the questionable comments that Russ Collins made about his captaincy, we uncovered some extraordinary comments about fielding which led to further examination of musty copies of The Dane. The prompting words were in respect of the 1967 sides performance: “The fielding was again the weakest aspect of the cricket, although there was a small improvement on last season’s standard. However, there can be no substantial improvement until several boys improve their physical condition.”
On the opposite page is a photo of George’s side posing traditionally in front of the school, which is reproduced below:
So who was in bad physical condition? Certainly not Chris Rose, Rex Churchill, Rod Jones, Al Read, Dave Vincent, Haydock Alexander, Bob Cozens, Phil Fleet and Bob Harvey who all look models of fitness. This leaves George, Roger Kingdon and Bob Proctor. Bob Proctor received plaudits for his wicket keeping and so must be discounted and George played soccer for the first XI and so couldn’t have been in bad shape. This leaves Roger Kingdon whose physical condition was apparently responsible for the entire sides poor performance in the field!
But hang on a minute. In Russ’ words was the provocative “again” and this sent us scuttling back to his review of the 1966 season: “The fielding
was the weakest aspect of the cricket. In fact, this must have been the worst fielding side ever to represent the school. It must be admitted that many of the side were physically and mentally handicapped for the job, and they did practise quite hard. However, the real basic trouble was a lack of effort. The only good feature of the fielding was the wicket-keeping of Sharp J which was at least always tidy despite his having to concentrate on captaining the side at the same time.”
So at least I got off, but many of my side were apparently physically and mentally handicapped for the job. I have never discussed this with Russ but perhaps this is what he had in mind:
Mick Jordan was six foot six tall and could not be relied upon to field anything on the ground since most of him was too far from it. George was lazy and just didn’t like bending. Roger Kingdon worked out at an early age that he would become such a prolific run scorer that no one would ever dare criticize his fielding and so he just never bothered with that aspect of the game. Bob Proctor was his mate and decided to adopt the same approach.
Jack Morgan was yet to become Great and spent his time in the field wondering why he wasn’t bowling and so I suppose this handicapped him mentally. Bob Cozens was quite a podge in his teens and hadn’t lost it all by 1966 and so he also drops into the physically handicapped category. Bob Harvey was an accomplished artist and probably didn’t want to risk damaging his fingers. Bill Edmunds and Phil Fleet both played football for London Schools and so must have been physically in good shape and so they must have fallen into Russ’ mental camp. These guys should check whether the statute of limitations applies to libel.
It should be noted that the worst fielding side in the school’s history won seven and lost only three of its seventeen games.
When I asked George for his comments on my draft he added:
In the first game of the 1967 season we had an irritating experience when we batted first and then just failed to bowl out the opposition due to some extraordinary defiance by a little boy of about 12. After that we resolved to adopt a policy of slip ‘em in and knock ‘em off. We didn’t worry how many they got, so it was quite relaxing in the field: it tended to liven things up a bit later on if the target was stiffish. On one occasion the opposition outrageously batted on for about 30 minutes after tea, and we were still in the pub before the scheduled finish time due to some Proctorial brutality with the bat.
However, one of my enduring memories is of Roger in the field. For obvious reasons he was at first slip (and a good catcher there), but if the ball slipped past him, there was first a hint of annoyance on his face, then with resignation he would push off his knees (think Botham), rotate with a sort of a three point turn and start to ‘hurry’ after the ball. Our Nan with 2 shopping bags catching the 628 trolleybus was quicker. By the time he had covered the 15 yards to where the ball had come to rest some time previously the hapless bowler had to suffer the ‘yeeessss I think so…’ as the batsmen turned for a third.
As for the remarks about the fielding, it must be remembered that Russ was not alone among the staff in disliking quite a few of us rather intensely. I can’t for a moment think why.
Appalling Attacks
George was so impressed by the selection of bowlers for the test at Kandy that he was prompted to initiate this exchange with the Professor
George: Is Kirtley, Freddie, Giles and Batty the worst bowling attack ever to have represented England? Actual examples of worse ones, please?
The Professor: In the first "Victory Test" in 1946 England opened up with Alf Gover (then in his 38th year) and Lt-Col J W A Stephenson (later the MCC Secretary) which can't have terrified Lindsay Hassett and Keith Miller (77 and 105 respectively) but they did have Doug Wright and Bill Edrich as back-up.........and they had spent the previous five years killing Germans. Pope and Pollard were preferred for the second test and Phillipson opened with George Pope in the last match.
George: A fine answer, revealing both depth of knowledge and an appreciation of the difficulty of the question. So, probably the worst attack for 57 years then?
Just a little reminder to them both that the attack at the WACA in November 2002 comprised: Silverwood, Tudor, Harmison, White, Butcher and Dawson
Match Report On Thursday 23rd January 2003 I got up at 7.30 am, cleaned my teeth, put on some clothes and went downstairs to catch up on the first match in the VB finals. I tuned in to Sky Sports and David Gower said: “We have heard the views of Ian Botham and Paul Allott as well as of Robert Croft here in the studio, now over to David Lloyd for the game plan.”
Cut to David Lloyd who kicked off with: “Well, you can’t defend 117 and you probably can’t win, so the game plan has to be to try to take some batsmen with us.”
This was 7.40am and in no time Gilchrist and Hayden were marching out to bat, performing a series of exercises on the way that included that backwards-kicking thing which, presumably, is good for the hamstrings but may be the secret ingredient to timing.
In no time Gilchrist had on-driven two fours wide of mid-on. He may be the best in the world at many things but he is undisputedly the best left-handed on-driver in the business.
I started to feed the inside cats with the volume high enough for it to be audible in the kitchen and I would pop into the living room periodically to see what was happening. The score seemed to go up in twenties between looks. I fed the outside cats, put the rubbish out, unloaded the car and was about to go upstairs to get ready for work and it was all over.
The Australians had scored 118-0 in 57 minutes with twenty fours and a six, including one over from Caddick in which Gilchrist helped himself to five boundaries.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 12 Nothing makes me more ashamed of being English than the absurd antics of the Barmy Army on overseas tours. Why do these people spend a lot of money to go and get pissed in another country, behave like soccer hooligans, drape English flags with Dagenham scrawled across them from every railing, chant and sing and generally do anything to irritate the shit out of anyone who has gone there to watch the cricket? What part of cricket do they actually appreciate?
The TV cameras went into the stands at Galle and a group of middle-aged beer bellies obliged with a chorus of “ Barmy Army, Rock and Roll; Barmy Army, Rock and Roll” ad infinitum. Enough said.
Strange Elevens
In G&C 12, the first Strange XI comprised Middlesex cricketers who had previously played for another county. The second Jazz Hat bunch were Middlesex players who went on to play for other counties.
Here is this month’s motley crew. What is their common denominator?
William Jefferson Essex
Michael Gough Durham
Graham Hick Worcestershire
Jon Dakin Essex
Andrew McGarry Essex
Alex Wharf Glamorgan
Robin Martin-Jenkins Sussex
Rob Turner Somerset
Matthew Whiley Leicestershire
Ashley Giles Warwickshire
Nadeem Malik Notts
Life After Cricket
Kelvin West copied me in on this message of hope for us all
As you may know, I now live by the sea and with that in mind, I have
decided that I need to take up a more gentle sport. Football and
Cricket are no good at my age.... some might say they never were, but that's another story. Whilst I have been a golfer for some time and enjoyed it, I felt that an additional "hobby" might be a good idea! With that in mind I have joined a local fishing group. It seemed like
a good idea with access to the sea and all that! I find that this
takes my mind off the daily stresses that my busy life brings!
This photo was taken on our last trip. I think you might
agree that the sport has its advantages!
Fag Break
I dug this out of an earlier correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan in the summer
Jim Revier turned up at Lord’s on Saturday and told me a Ray Keates story that I had not heard. Apparently the Bush 3s were getting a terrible pounding in the field on a very hot day over at Private Banks when relief arrived in the form of jugs of cold fruity drinks. While they were taking their refreshment, Ray said to captain Brian Pacey: “Brian, is it alright if we smoke?” Jim and I were bowled over by the fact that Ray had gone out to field equipped with his fags and lighter and this started another conversation about the stuff that people take out to the middle with them: keys, matches, wallets, loose change etc. I then had to tell the story of a bloke at Sir Walter St Johns who came out to bat wearing a watch and Ken Molloy politely asked “Excuse me, have you got the time on you please?”
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them:
Edition 1 includes: Tour Madness
Edition 2 includes: One or Two Short and Conspiracy Theory
Edition 3 includes: Naff & Absentee Journalism, The Russ Collins Circus
Edition 4 includes: World Cup Awards, Rhyming Slang, Duckworth Lewis
Edition 5 includes: The Cult of the Celebrity Umpire, The Great Jack Morgan, Just Like the Ivy
Edition 6 includes: Duckworth Lewis Revisited, Appalling Fielders, The SH Wed XI-1964
Edition 7 includes: A-Level Sport, The SH Wed XI-1968
Edition 8 includes: O-Level Cricket, The SH Sixes, Hitting an Eric
Edition 9 includes: Project Salvation, Shits, Ron Hooker’s Benefit Match, Arthur Gates’ Two Seasons
Edition 10 includes: Hawkeye, Morgan the Bowler, Behind the Sightscreen
Edition 11 includes: Sledging, Banter and Bankers; Points-Pointless;
Edition 12 includes: Fathers and Sons, Playing at Edmonton,
Just send me an email to secure your copies.
If you received this edition through a third party, please send me your email address to ensure that you get on the main mailing list for future editions.
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 13
January 2004
Billy Russell
My newest correspondent is John Tutton, the older brother of Bruce. John continued to play for South Hampstead until 1970, when he found the weekly journey from Oxfordshire too much. He joined Reading CC and played there with Alvin Nienow who went onto skipper the side after John moved to Abingdon CC. John then moved to Kent and played at Ashford CC until he retired in 1980. John was an off-spinner who partnered Roy Phipps for many years and was a very useful batsman, but got few chances to demonstrate his skills in Bob Peach’s very strong batting sides of the sixties at South Hampstead. John, like Bruce, is not hooked up to cyberspace but if anyone would like to contact either of them I will be pleased to forward their postal addresses.
Meanwhile, all this nostalgia has been stirring up memories for brother Bruce who recalls that he used to play cricket with Eric Russell in Gladstone Park, although he went by the name of Billy in those days. He also found himself alongside Bob Hurst when he was in the RAF. If Bob can find a pair of boots he can probably walk into the Middlesex side next year.
I received an excellent Christmas present from Bob Peach in the form of a slug of addresses from his private address book. I have already been in contact with the Legendary Len Stubbs who, lo and behold, has an email address. The Legendary Len had the best eye I ever played with and on his day, which was most, could hit any ball of any length or width over square leg. This was not power hitting in the David Hays mould but sheer timing. He also developed the facility at one stage for timing the ball off his left “three-spring” pad. When he got it working well he could easily beat extra cover as the ball cannoned off it. I will bring you more news of the Legendary Len in due course.
Kandy and all that After the euphoria of trouncing the up and soon to be heavy weight Bangla Desh side, England were brought down to rude reality in Sri Lanka. Against a side well below them in the ICC World Rankings they were thrashed in the only game played in the one-day series and went on to lose the test series 1-0. This should have been a 3-0 Brown Wash, but England were spared further indignity by some bizarre and magnanimous captaincy by Tillekeratne at Galle and Kandy. He set new standards of incompetence in judging the balance of the game, setting the tempo of batting, field placing, selection of bowlers, taking the new ball and coming off for bad light. He must have been the only person present on both occasions who thought that England could pull off a win.
*
The BBC has taken a bashing from several of you. The Great Jack Morgan couldn’t understand why Test Match Special decided to give the Bangla Desh tour a miss and the Professor has submitted an article on the specialist commentators. Christopher Martin-Jenkins in his guise as cricket correspondent of The Times also gave BD a miss. Phil “very much so” and “have a dart” Tufnell joined the TMS team at Kandy but mysteriously disappeared on the last day to be replaced by Skid Marks, who was understandably puzzled by the Sri Lankan’s tactics but then he hadn’t had to witness their generosity over the previous nine days play.
*
Tour Madness:
1. At Kandy Anderson, Hoggard and Johnson were left out to accommodate Collingwood. This effectively left a three man bowling attack since Peg Leg can never bring himself to bowl Batty for any length of time. Commentators keep saying Peg Leg should bowl himself, but he will only be effective if he gets some real experience. Where should he go for that? The County Championship is the answer, where he should bowl thirty overs a match next season. Then he might be ready for test match bowling.
2. The Zany Zimbabwean, Dozy Duncan and his coaching cronies decided that the way to combat spin in Sri Lanka was for the English batsmen to make an exaggerated stretch forward and pad the ball away. Being dutiful employees our guys all did as they were told. However, no one realized that adopting this ridiculous pose would lead to their back foot being dragged from the crease. Consequently there was a plethora of stumpings when the batsmen could not find the middle of the pad.
*
The idiotic Simon Wilde is suggesting that the England players cannot perform because they are overworked. Three matches in three weeks doesn’t sound too exacting to me. Six innings in three weeks is normal for any club cricketer and it didn’t stop Terry Cordaroy scoring as many in the sixth innings as he did in the first. The modern international cricketer is a highly paid professional sportsman who should go out and perform as required. Besides Sri Lanka did OK, didn’t they?
*
The most unpleasant sound in World Cricket at present is the appealing of the Sri Lankan wicket keeper, Sangakkara. It has no discernable words and sounds like a wild animal being subjected to an electric probe.
*
Our two old friends Red Mist and Freeze Brain are never far from the action these days. Gareth Batty displayed the perfect Red Mist at Galle when, whilst blocking for a draw, he suddenly decided to try to hit Murali out of the ground and was bowled. New entrants to the Freeze Brain Hall of Fame are Tillekeratne and Chandana who were both dismissed offering no shot at Galle.
*
The most unlikely hero of the month is the Indian pace bowler Agarkar who bowled the Australians out in Adelaide to set up an unexpected victory for the visitors. Does the name ring a bell? It should since he audaciously scored a century at Lords on the Indians last tour.
Near Humiliation
When Bob Peach decided to bring his highly successful reign as South Hampstead captain to a conclusion in 1970, he handed over to Ian Jerman on Saturdays and to Don Wallis on Sundays. In turn Don invited me to be his vice captain and I enthusiastically accepted. I threw myself into a range of duties including getting the sightscreens in place before play started, organizing the collection of the tea monies and match fee, and arranging lifts for players who hadn’t got their own transport. All of this was great fun, but I didn’t give too much thought to taking over from Don when he wasn’t available to play in a game.
Then it happened. Don wasn’t available and I had to lead the side against Old Grammarians on their ground. I had a strong side and assumed that it would be easy. We won the toss and batted. So far, so good. But no one really got going and we kept losing wickets. When we went into tea we had been bowled out for a paltry 105. I was glum- how could I go back to Milverton Road having lost my first game as captain?
The Old Grammarians lost an early wicket but this brought Derek Lawrence, their best player, to the crease. Derek always played his shots and on this occasion played several of them over the fence, the road and onto the adjacent Common. He raced to fifty out of 70 odd for 1. I had my two best bowlers on-the Australian, Steve Hatherall, bowling off-breaks and the Scotsman, Keith Hardie, bowling slow left arm, but all seemed lost. And then Derek holed out and we were back in it. Steve Hatherall was bowling no better than Keith but he started taking wickets and no other Old Grammarian made an impact with the bat and they failed to reach 100. Steve finished with eight wickets and Keith got the other two.
I had got away with it by the skin of my teeth. I hadn’t captained since my last year at school in 1966 and learned once again that you can take nothing for granted.
Project Salvation – Bailey’s Lore Trevor Bailey was 80 in December and this landmark was appropriately marked by two lunches at The Cricketers Club in his honour. It should be remembered that England was the leading test nation when Bailey was a member of the side. In an interview in The Times he said the following:
“ It’s no good having a county system unless the England players are going to play in it. The game has changed considerably, but we got to practise in the middle. I reckoned you had to play plenty of cricket otherwise you were wasting your time. I liked nets but I would rather score 30 runs in the middle than have five sessions of nets. I liked to bowl around 700 overs a season (about twice as many as England bowlers bowl today). I missed only one test match through injury. If I was playing today I don’t think I would last as long judging by the way they keep breaking down. I reckon they train too much and play too little.”
When Brian Statham was interviewed last summer he explained that for lunch on match days he would have a pint of beer and a cigarette…
At Colombo Freddie bowled eighteen overs in two days and then limped off injured. He later warned that such over bowling could jeopardize his future performances…
The Test Match Tri-Centurions
After Matthew Hayden scored his mammoth 380 at Perth, Simon Wilde wrote in the Sunday Times that he expected this score to be bettered in the near future. He was so pleased with this that he repeated the article in the Wisden Cricketer. I think that this belittles Hayden’s effort. The progression to this record is Hutton 364 in 1938, Sobers 365* in 1957-8, Lara 375 in 1993-4 and Hayden 380 in 2003. We have, therefore, only had three new world records in sixty-five years.
Since Lara’s record there have been three test match tri-centurions Jayasuria 340, Taylor 334*, and Inzaman-ul-Haq 329. Who are the candidates for beating Hayden? In December 2003 three of the world’s best batsmen played big innings: Ponting 257 & 242, Dravid 233 and Lara 202. All three effectively ran out of partners to progress their innings. Who else comes into the frame? Tendulkar can’t hit it off the square at present and his best test score is a relatively paltry 214. Graeme Smith played two magnificent innings in England in 2003 but the higher of them was still over a hundred behind the new record. Steve Waugh’s best effort is a miserable 200. Could an Englishman step up? Well, they really missed the boat since they had their chance on good pitches against the Zimbabwe side in 2003. Peg Leg must be the most likely but his best at 199 is only half way there. If I were prepared to hand over folding stuff to Arthur Gates, which I’m not, I would go for one of the Australians: Langer, Ponting or Hayden again or, if he can get someone to stay with him, the past holder of the record, Lara.
The other very real constraint is the circumstances of the match. If the captain lets someone go on to score 380 plus the chances are that the total will be around 750 and it is rare that a side needs this many to win. Indeed the time taken to go onto such a score will probably be at the expense of valuable bowling time to press for victory.
Simon Wilde needs to appreciate that the bar to all intents and purposes is now up at 400 and it will require a very special set of circumstances: wicket, opposition, partners at the other end, the will to do it and an indulgent captain for anyone to get that far.
Naff and Absentee Journalism The Professor has been getting up early to note naff journalism being raised to the next level
The epithet sad is perhaps better reserved for the national side that now treats clung-on-for draws as if they were victories. I listened to every ball bowled on the last day from 5am and dire stuff it was. Incidentally, the Beeb seem to have come up with a “summariser” who has taken your concept of “the reporter who isn’t there” to a new level. Roshan Somebody-or-other (and it is doubtless a longer name than “somebody-or-other”) does a delightful line in repeating what has just been said and thus removes his need to actually watch what is happening. There appear to be two Roshans – one who does some commentating and clearly is watching - and the “between-overs” one. They may be one and the same person-I’m not at my most lucid at 5am.
However, when Aggers says “Oh dear, that was too short and put away for four”, Roshan says “Yes, that was much too short and went to the boundary”. “That one’s down the leg side and the wicketkeeper couldn’t stop it.” “Wicket keeper missed the leg side delivery”. And so on and so on. The point about this is not that it is irritating – which it is - but that anyone could do it and it would not entail the expense of a trip to Galle. Indeed I would guess that even the Great Jack Morgan could manage it from a supine, almost comatose position under the duvet, although doubtless he could add some extra detail which the person who was actually there had missed. This is one step on from the television school of commentary that simply describes what everyone watching can see. Brian Moore used to be the expert at this –“Charlton shoots and the ball goes wide”. Yes we know – that is why we have bought a TV. Enough – I’m glad we drew but the whole set-up is dire.
And then there was more More excellent stuff from “Roshan” today, who is rapidly turning out to be my star of the series. Yesterday he was on with Christopher Martin Jenkins when Sri Lanka were going along happily and Fernando doing what many number 10s do – thrashing the England front line bowlers to all parts. Thus:
CMJ “and Fernando came out of his crease there, hit the ball on the half-volley, between mid-wicket and mid-on, all along the ground for four”
Roshan “yes, that was a good shot from Fernando, came down the wicket and hit the ball along the ground between the fielders at mid-on and mid-wicket for four runs."
CMJ (without any detectable hint of irony) “Perfectly described, Roshan.”
“Roshan” turns out to be R S Mahanama, who opened the batting for Sri Lanka at the back end of the 1980s. He toured England in 1988 (8 innings at 29.8, HS 46*). Wisden shows a picture of a tall boyish young man who, presumably even at that age, was showing a pre-nascent flair for almost faultless repetition. It is an amazing skill – matched only by CMJ’s and the other commentator’s ability to keep a straight face – or at least a straight sounding face.
I had thought repetition was his only skill, but today a new talent was revealed. CMJ (again – poor sod) was commenting on the comparative scoring rates by England in Candy (27 runs in 20 overs) and Australia in Adelaide (400 in no time flat – Ponting’s hundred had come from a little over 100 balls). Roshan was there to help with a pithy comment:
Roshan “Well sometimes you know Chris, in test cricket, the batsmen score slowly and… (pause for reflection here)…. sometimes more quickly.”
It is on early in the morning, but I assure you I’m not making this up.
We will return to commentators in the next issue
Who’d be an Umpire?
As soon as they started televising cricket the umpires job started to become impossible since the viewer got just about as good a sight of the play as the umpire did. Then when they developed the instant replay the viewer had a better chance than the umpire to assess the decision. The authorities then recognized that to avoid blatant injustices they would use the technology to help the guys in the middle by creating a third umpire who had recourse to the instant replay.
The third umpire is only supposed to be used for run-outs, stumpings and catches but at Kandy he was called upon to assess whether Murali was bowled or not. Most umpires automatically refer run-outs to the third umpire but, incredibly, new problems have emerged. Jayawardene was clearly passed the stumps when the wicket was broken but the camera detected that in the course of his running he had both feet in the air and his bat was not grounded. The third umpire did not give him out but all third umpires will be looking for this anomaly in future.
Hawkeye moves the goalposts even further and takes the doubt out of LBW since we can see exactly where the ball pitches and whether or not it would have hit the stumps. It is only a matter of time before the third umpire is armed with this tool for referrals. Who will suffer in these cases? All the evidence so far is that the batsmen will since they generally get the benefit of the doubt in close cases. They will soon be finding themselves walking back to the pavilion when Hawkeye shows that the ball would have grazed the leg stump even though Ian Botham said that it wouldn’t have hit another set.
So what will the men in the white coats be left to do? They will become rather like GPs who know little themselves but can identify when a complaint is worthy of sending to a specialist for a second opinion. At present they assess no balls and wides but this won’t last long, which will leave them with having to count the number of balls in the over. Money for old rope, really.
Physically and Mentally Handicapped
Whilst carrying out the research on George’s 1967 Danes side and the questionable comments that Russ Collins made about his captaincy, we uncovered some extraordinary comments about fielding which led to further examination of musty copies of The Dane. The prompting words were in respect of the 1967 sides performance: “The fielding was again the weakest aspect of the cricket, although there was a small improvement on last season’s standard. However, there can be no substantial improvement until several boys improve their physical condition.”
On the opposite page is a photo of George’s side posing traditionally in front of the school, which is reproduced below:
So who was in bad physical condition? Certainly not Chris Rose, Rex Churchill, Rod Jones, Al Read, Dave Vincent, Haydock Alexander, Bob Cozens, Phil Fleet and Bob Harvey who all look models of fitness. This leaves George, Roger Kingdon and Bob Proctor. Bob Proctor received plaudits for his wicket keeping and so must be discounted and George played soccer for the first XI and so couldn’t have been in bad shape. This leaves Roger Kingdon whose physical condition was apparently responsible for the entire sides poor performance in the field!
But hang on a minute. In Russ’ words was the provocative “again” and this sent us scuttling back to his review of the 1966 season: “The fielding
was the weakest aspect of the cricket. In fact, this must have been the worst fielding side ever to represent the school. It must be admitted that many of the side were physically and mentally handicapped for the job, and they did practise quite hard. However, the real basic trouble was a lack of effort. The only good feature of the fielding was the wicket-keeping of Sharp J which was at least always tidy despite his having to concentrate on captaining the side at the same time.”
So at least I got off, but many of my side were apparently physically and mentally handicapped for the job. I have never discussed this with Russ but perhaps this is what he had in mind:
Mick Jordan was six foot six tall and could not be relied upon to field anything on the ground since most of him was too far from it. George was lazy and just didn’t like bending. Roger Kingdon worked out at an early age that he would become such a prolific run scorer that no one would ever dare criticize his fielding and so he just never bothered with that aspect of the game. Bob Proctor was his mate and decided to adopt the same approach.
Jack Morgan was yet to become Great and spent his time in the field wondering why he wasn’t bowling and so I suppose this handicapped him mentally. Bob Cozens was quite a podge in his teens and hadn’t lost it all by 1966 and so he also drops into the physically handicapped category. Bob Harvey was an accomplished artist and probably didn’t want to risk damaging his fingers. Bill Edmunds and Phil Fleet both played football for London Schools and so must have been physically in good shape and so they must have fallen into Russ’ mental camp. These guys should check whether the statute of limitations applies to libel.
It should be noted that the worst fielding side in the school’s history won seven and lost only three of its seventeen games.
When I asked George for his comments on my draft he added:
In the first game of the 1967 season we had an irritating experience when we batted first and then just failed to bowl out the opposition due to some extraordinary defiance by a little boy of about 12. After that we resolved to adopt a policy of slip ‘em in and knock ‘em off. We didn’t worry how many they got, so it was quite relaxing in the field: it tended to liven things up a bit later on if the target was stiffish. On one occasion the opposition outrageously batted on for about 30 minutes after tea, and we were still in the pub before the scheduled finish time due to some Proctorial brutality with the bat.
However, one of my enduring memories is of Roger in the field. For obvious reasons he was at first slip (and a good catcher there), but if the ball slipped past him, there was first a hint of annoyance on his face, then with resignation he would push off his knees (think Botham), rotate with a sort of a three point turn and start to ‘hurry’ after the ball. Our Nan with 2 shopping bags catching the 628 trolleybus was quicker. By the time he had covered the 15 yards to where the ball had come to rest some time previously the hapless bowler had to suffer the ‘yeeessss I think so…’ as the batsmen turned for a third.
As for the remarks about the fielding, it must be remembered that Russ was not alone among the staff in disliking quite a few of us rather intensely. I can’t for a moment think why.
Appalling Attacks
George was so impressed by the selection of bowlers for the test at Kandy that he was prompted to initiate this exchange with the Professor
George: Is Kirtley, Freddie, Giles and Batty the worst bowling attack ever to have represented England? Actual examples of worse ones, please?
The Professor: In the first "Victory Test" in 1946 England opened up with Alf Gover (then in his 38th year) and Lt-Col J W A Stephenson (later the MCC Secretary) which can't have terrified Lindsay Hassett and Keith Miller (77 and 105 respectively) but they did have Doug Wright and Bill Edrich as back-up.........and they had spent the previous five years killing Germans. Pope and Pollard were preferred for the second test and Phillipson opened with George Pope in the last match.
George: A fine answer, revealing both depth of knowledge and an appreciation of the difficulty of the question. So, probably the worst attack for 57 years then?
Just a little reminder to them both that the attack at the WACA in November 2002 comprised: Silverwood, Tudor, Harmison, White, Butcher and Dawson
Match Report On Thursday 23rd January 2003 I got up at 7.30 am, cleaned my teeth, put on some clothes and went downstairs to catch up on the first match in the VB finals. I tuned in to Sky Sports and David Gower said: “We have heard the views of Ian Botham and Paul Allott as well as of Robert Croft here in the studio, now over to David Lloyd for the game plan.”
Cut to David Lloyd who kicked off with: “Well, you can’t defend 117 and you probably can’t win, so the game plan has to be to try to take some batsmen with us.”
This was 7.40am and in no time Gilchrist and Hayden were marching out to bat, performing a series of exercises on the way that included that backwards-kicking thing which, presumably, is good for the hamstrings but may be the secret ingredient to timing.
In no time Gilchrist had on-driven two fours wide of mid-on. He may be the best in the world at many things but he is undisputedly the best left-handed on-driver in the business.
I started to feed the inside cats with the volume high enough for it to be audible in the kitchen and I would pop into the living room periodically to see what was happening. The score seemed to go up in twenties between looks. I fed the outside cats, put the rubbish out, unloaded the car and was about to go upstairs to get ready for work and it was all over.
The Australians had scored 118-0 in 57 minutes with twenty fours and a six, including one over from Caddick in which Gilchrist helped himself to five boundaries.
Irritating trends in modern cricket-number 12 Nothing makes me more ashamed of being English than the absurd antics of the Barmy Army on overseas tours. Why do these people spend a lot of money to go and get pissed in another country, behave like soccer hooligans, drape English flags with Dagenham scrawled across them from every railing, chant and sing and generally do anything to irritate the shit out of anyone who has gone there to watch the cricket? What part of cricket do they actually appreciate?
The TV cameras went into the stands at Galle and a group of middle-aged beer bellies obliged with a chorus of “ Barmy Army, Rock and Roll; Barmy Army, Rock and Roll” ad infinitum. Enough said.
Strange Elevens
In G&C 12, the first Strange XI comprised Middlesex cricketers who had previously played for another county. The second Jazz Hat bunch were Middlesex players who went on to play for other counties.
Here is this month’s motley crew. What is their common denominator?
William Jefferson Essex
Michael Gough Durham
Graham Hick Worcestershire
Jon Dakin Essex
Andrew McGarry Essex
Alex Wharf Glamorgan
Robin Martin-Jenkins Sussex
Rob Turner Somerset
Matthew Whiley Leicestershire
Ashley Giles Warwickshire
Nadeem Malik Notts
Life After Cricket
Kelvin West copied me in on this message of hope for us all
As you may know, I now live by the sea and with that in mind, I have
decided that I need to take up a more gentle sport. Football and
Cricket are no good at my age.... some might say they never were, but that's another story. Whilst I have been a golfer for some time and enjoyed it, I felt that an additional "hobby" might be a good idea! With that in mind I have joined a local fishing group. It seemed like
a good idea with access to the sea and all that! I find that this
takes my mind off the daily stresses that my busy life brings!
This photo was taken on our last trip. I think you might
agree that the sport has its advantages!
Fag Break
I dug this out of an earlier correspondence with the Great Jack Morgan in the summer
Jim Revier turned up at Lord’s on Saturday and told me a Ray Keates story that I had not heard. Apparently the Bush 3s were getting a terrible pounding in the field on a very hot day over at Private Banks when relief arrived in the form of jugs of cold fruity drinks. While they were taking their refreshment, Ray said to captain Brian Pacey: “Brian, is it alright if we smoke?” Jim and I were bowled over by the fact that Ray had gone out to field equipped with his fags and lighter and this started another conversation about the stuff that people take out to the middle with them: keys, matches, wallets, loose change etc. I then had to tell the story of a bloke at Sir Walter St Johns who came out to bat wearing a watch and Ken Molloy politely asked “Excuse me, have you got the time on you please?”
Earlier Editions
I will be please to email you a copy of the earlier editions of Googlies & Chinamen, if you missed or have mislaid them:
Edition 1 includes: Tour Madness
Edition 2 includes: One or Two Short and Conspiracy Theory
Edition 3 includes: Naff & Absentee Journalism, The Russ Collins Circus
Edition 4 includes: World Cup Awards, Rhyming Slang, Duckworth Lewis
Edition 5 includes: The Cult of the Celebrity Umpire, The Great Jack Morgan, Just Like the Ivy
Edition 6 includes: Duckworth Lewis Revisited, Appalling Fielders, The SH Wed XI-1964
Edition 7 includes: A-Level Sport, The SH Wed XI-1968
Edition 8 includes: O-Level Cricket, The SH Sixes, Hitting an Eric
Edition 9 includes: Project Salvation, Shits, Ron Hooker’s Benefit Match, Arthur Gates’ Two Seasons
Edition 10 includes: Hawkeye, Morgan the Bowler, Behind the Sightscreen
Edition 11 includes: Sledging, Banter and Bankers; Points-Pointless;
Edition 12 includes: Fathers and Sons, Playing at Edmonton,
Just send me an email to secure your copies.
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