GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 54
June 2007
Extraordinary Matters
The following photo is actually real. It is neither manipulated nor digitally enhanced. But what was the occasion?
Only one of the following explanations is correct:
1. Ali Chef Cook is seen fulfilling a lifelong ambition to pull identical twins.
2. Mind numbingly tedious Alastair Cook is seen with his prize for winning the raffle at the Chelmsford Lap Dancing Club.
3. Alastair Cook is seen celebrating the passing of the austere Fletcher years with Peter Moores’ nieces.
4. Cack-handed, beanpole Alastair Cook is seen receiving the Ian Botham Award for Lascivious Behaviour in Australia.
5. Son of Graham and Elizabeth Cook, Alastair, is seen receiving a belated Twenty First birthday present from notorious Essex pranksters Keith Fletcher and Graham Gooch.
6. Squash playing, golfer Alastair Cook is seen rehearsing his song “Two Ladies” for the Essex CCC production of Cabaret.
7. Alistair Cook, apparently wearing Joel Garner’s trousers, poses in a photo shoot for a nude calendar
8. Young Player of the Year, Alistair Cook, is seen taking the annual ritual Essex beating from females as retribution for the Middle Ages practice of dunking witches prevalent in the Ilford area.
Old Trafford Matters
I went to the opening day of the championship season at Old Trafford with the Professor. It was a glorious sunny day and I arrived first and decided to park myself in the C stand which put me as close to behind the bowlers arm as you can get at the Statham End. It was already past ten thirty and so I was too late to see what warm up antics these guys get up to. Surrey had already won the toss and Mark Butcher decided to bat. Three days previously Brown and Benning had added 284 for the first wicket but Batty and Newman were sent out to get things underway. Apparently what could be achieved against the Gloucestershire attack on Sunday could not be contemplated against Lancashire on a Wednesday. Lancashire used Cork and Chapple with the new ball. These enthusiastic and popular veterans are of an age and speed that would suggest that they could well be playing for Middlesex next season. Their lack of penetration with the new ball further confirmed this prediction.
The Professor had been delayed by unexpectedly heavy traffic on the M60, Manchester’s very own M25. When he arrived we communicated by cell phone and were soon munching away through Danish pastries but without coffee, which was not available on the ground as there was nowhere selling such bistro style beverages in these northern parts, although the sickening aroma of frying was already evident. We were sitting amongst the local cognoscenti who were surprisingly well behaved and Surrey were spared the vulgar gibes about southerners that they had expressed so forcibly when Middlesex played there a couple of seasons back.
After a slow start Scott Newman started to hit the ball cleanly through extra cover off both the front and back foot. Batty by then had become becalmed but he eventually managed to evade the fielders with some perfectly timed drives and Surrey went into lunch at 111 without loss. Cork must have been given a large raw steak for lunch for he started after the intervals with four consecutive bouncers against Newman which the batsman watched go by. However, Cork also started his next over with a bouncer which Newman obligingly top edged gently to long leg who caught it in front of us. This was probably the turning point of the match as Surrey never regained the initiative thereafter. Ramprakesh and Newby both fell to Oliver Newby who interestingly was given a spell before England man Tom Smith. Smith is one of the quartet of Lancashire seamers, Freddie, Anderson and Mahmood being the others, who featured in the old England set up. It will be interesting to see who gets picked if they all become available.
Rikki Clarke came in at five and he looks like he has spent the winter dining with Lardarse. For one easy single he waddled up the wicket and would have been run out by a direct hit. When he and Batty fell Surrey had slumped to 209 for 5. This was on a good looking wicket although the Professor noted repeatedly that it was staying low and rearing from the Statham end. It subsequently turned out that the original wicket selected for this match had been abandoned because of the appearance of cracks in it and that the one used had been prepared for a one day match. Perhaps that was also the problem with last year’s test match wicket which so suited Harmison and which turned before lunch on the first day.
The C stand Lancashire supporters seemed happy enough with their progress but everything changed just before tea when Kenny arrived. Kenny appeared dressed in shirtsleeves, braces and a bright red baseball cap and he announced his arrival at the top of the stairs with a cheery “Hello everybody” in his George Formby voice. This friendly greeting was met with “Go away”, “buggar off” and other less repeatable retorts. Needless to say Kenny plonked himself down just in front of us and proceeded to engage the entire stand in his infantile prattle which ranged from where he might be able to watch that evening’s Manchester United match in Milan, to the fate of Altrincham FC and to what he claimed was a copy of the bible, but clearly wasn’t, that he had recently been given. All this rather distracted us from the serious business of cricket watching and Lancashire were working their way methodically through the Surrey tail. Benning to his disgust was given out LBW on the front foot to Keedy and when Brown was bowled by Smith the end was in sight. It was about this time that Kenny announced that he had been suffering from an infection in his waterworks which was, of course, more information than we needed or wanted.
Surrey were dismissed for 284 which left Lancashire with six overs to survive till the close. The much travelled Mohammed Akram started proceedings from the Stretford end against Chilton and Sutcliffe. These two must be one of the weakest opening pairs in county cricket which is odd given the overall strength of Lancashire’s batting. Akram looked sharp but not as sharp as Saker who was decidedly quick from the Statham end and it wasn’t long before he trapped Sutcliffe in front. This brought in Keedy as nightwatchman and we had the ludicrous spectacle of singles being declined to keep Chilton away from the strike. This was reminiscent of Hoggard and Pietersen at Lords last year. Jimmy Fat Boy Ormond appeared in black sunglasses and strolled around in the unlikely position of leg gully like the proprietor of a strip club. He gives his weight in the Cricketers Who’s Who as fifteen stone. I think that the Great Jack Morgan is right in that with many of these guys you have to add a couple of stone to their weight and deduct a couple of inches from their reported heights in this publication.
When stumps were drawn for the day the sun was still beating down and the Professor and I felt we had seen the new season in appropriate style.
Out and About with the Professor
You will be pleased to know that Welwyn Garden City CC got off to winning ways this weekend. A comfortable win against Hertfordshire set us off to a good start. The County were of course weakened by the fact that WGCCC players were playing for us - but it's always nice to win. We are now putting 5 sides into the field on Saturdays and our First XI has been strengthened by the signing of James Hewitt who has played for Kent and Middlesex. He joins Aaron Laraman as our opening attack and while neither of them is lightening fast, they are a very handy pair to open the bowling. We have also attracted some very useful young cricketers and a couple of them are likely to play in the Ones at the ripe old age of 17. It all augers very well....but then it often does at this time in the season.
The "Start of the Season" booze-up (also known as "President's Night") went very well and there was much talk of the new season as well as reminiscences from those poor souls who had been to Australia or the West Indies. There was also much chat about "whither England", and I was pleased to hear support for my views about this subject. As you know, I have long held the view that the future of cricket in this country is inextricably linked to the performance of the national side and that county chairmen (like Jack Simmons) do not have that as their objective. This is not a moral issue (or a personal weakness) - they simply have the performance of their county as their overriding concern. The analogy of Premier League football teams was made during the evening - why should Arsene Wenger have any concern about the England football team? He doesn't and, in a sense, nor does it matter - unless you are a patriot - since support for football could scarcely be healthier. But if England fails at cricket, the popular enthusiasm for the game will wane still further.
The following day a copy of a disreputable journal called "The Sunday Times" slipped into my hands and I was surprised to read an (almost) identical position statement from the Professional Cricketers Association who observed that: "the county game survives largely on monies handed out by the ECB and that pot depends heavily on the performance of the national side". Exactly! The piece went on to question the number of non-England qualified players in each county and the insufficiency of the "performance-enhancement fee" in getting them to play qualified players.
Meanwhile, people like me have much to enjoy. Yorkshire versus Worcestershire (at Headingley next week) will have some of the world's best cricketers on view ...Jacques, Rudolph, Younis, Price, Kruis, Gillespie...and a couple who could play for England. I will enjoy it - but the myopia of those who run the game will be there for all to see.
He later updated me
I had a reasonable amount of play at Headingley but watching young Sayers bat is an acquired taste - bit like John Edrich, without the flair. Worcestershire didn't look too great though - they dropped the only chance they had until White got out, and beat the bat on very few occasions. White also took to Batty, belting him over mid-on where the fielder was fashionably 15 yards in from the fence. I read in the paper that Worcester had signed Nel (who didn't look too threatening) for ten days - can that be right? Why not overnight - like call-money in the City? Or have a quick 'phone round on the morning of the game like Judith used to do to get supply teachers?
The Baxter Report
The Middlesex League Chairman, Bob Baxter, sent me these early season notes
At Middlesex you will find out that Pooley has gone. Toby Radford is going to be closer to the main set up while bringing on the academy boys. He is pushing some of the 16/17 year olds from the academy to the bigger league clubs which hopefully will bring them on quicker. Billy Godelman is a prime example whom Brondesbury took on in 2003 as fourteen year old and promised him 1st XI league cricket. Whilst the season has only just got under way and the wickets are good for batting he has taken his chance and leapfrogged the likes of Morgan and will hopefully cement a place in the county side. Embers will be very involved with the academy and pushing Middlesex as a club. We will see how it all works out!
Having started my club career at South Hampstead in the early seventies and played my first few games under the likes or Wallis, Jerman, Cordaroy, Sharp, Cozens and Thompson I certainly have a few memories of how the game used to be played! It is of course difficult to say whether standards are higher now or not in club cricket and I can feel a repost from Peter Ray as I write this. I think we all agree the fielding is certainly better and the running between wickets at 1st XI level is often excellent. As for the batting I feel that more shots have been added to players repertoires and although some of these shots are in my case more likely to get you out than not they make it much more tricky for the fielding captain. Also the fact that Premiership sides play 120 overs a day the batsman have more time to get themselves in and I would suggest that the batting is of at least a comparable standard and there is probably more depth in the lower order.
The bowling however seems to be struggling to keep up the same standard and I would suggest the overall level is not on a par with twenty plus years ago. The wickets have become slower which doesn't help the quicker bowlers but most of those seem to be overseas recruits. There are some decent slow bowlers but I would not say they were of the same caliber of John Cox or the previously mentioned PF to name but a couple.
The MCCL is in a fairly healthy state with Shepherd Neame being the sponsors and the good news is that discipline at the top level of league cricket has improved over the last couple of years due to players being given lengthy bans if they step out of line. A shame the professional game doesn't follow suit.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan sent me this
On Thursday, I went to Uxbridge for the second day of the 2s game v MCCYCs and was surprised to spot the Director of Cricket practising with the lads before the start. On collecting my team sheet, I was even more surprised to see that the Director was actually playing! Bear in mind that these are 12-a-side games and it has been quite common for Jason Pooley to name himself as the twelfth player, but to take little or no part in the match, but the DC had apparently fielded throughout the morning on day one while C Whelan made his way back from Taunton and had even bowled one (maiden) over. The (fairly) sensational news is that Jason has been sacked. Vinny the Cod handled the whole thing badly and tried to get rid of him without a pay-off, but Jason will now get some compensation. Jason is fairly streetwise and knew his rights, so he brought along his representatives to the negotiations. Toby Radford is now running the 2s as well as the academy and his coach, Keerthi Ranasinghe, was also in attendance. Toby had broken his wrist, so that was why the Director of Cricket had to take his place in the team (but Keerthi is a very useful player, so why didn’t he play?). The Middlesex bowling had been hammered for 432-6 dec on day one, but they batted fairly well for 352-6 dec on day two (nightwatchman Whelan 72, Levy 63, Scott 74 and Housego 55*). Whelan has gone ahead of Wright in the pecking order, but Wright led him by four wickets to one by the end of day two. New pace bowlers Danny Evans and Marc Jackson should fit in well as they were both off the field injured when the YCs batted again and so the Director had to field again and take a catch at first slip and bowl another maiden.
The other sub was Keegan. Chad’s hairstyle is always worth watching out for and this year he has gone for the four penny all-off in combination with long wispy sideburns that makes him look very much like someone that the police need to help them with their enquiries. Chad is officially unavailable for selection at present because of a sore back, but was throwing himself around in the field as if he had never had an injury in his life. I didn’t go on Friday, so I do not know the result of the match, but I expect it will be on the website in due course. The Crusader made no mention of Jason’s departure even though he has apparently been gone for months. The lack of bowlers coming through the system is a real problem, but it is tough to blame it all on Jason. Radford is doing a “fantastic job” according to Emburey (who has himself been promoted), but to me it is the job of all the coaching staff to bring through home-grown bowlers, not just Pooley’s responsibility. However, I did worry about Jason’s judgment when he told me that Wright, Whelan, Rankin and Finn were a ready-made first team attack!
Puckett Matters
Following my report last month on the South Hampstead dinner I received the following from Charlie Puckett
“The ‘bearded umpire’ was none other than your correspondent and erstwhile long-suffering Secretary of the Middlesex County Cricket League. I don’t know, I grace the table with my presence, suffer abuse at the hands of the speaker and am then denied my 15 minutes of fame.
If that were not bad, worse was to follow. The photograph, which frightened the younger viewers by featuring PF, ended at Mr. Perrin. Had you paid out for a wide-angle lens (yes, I know, Ray, a very wide-angle lens) you could have included the writer. I shall insist, as I feel I must, upon a full disclosure and, should I find that you have in fact airbrushed me out of history, I shall be demanding punitive damages in addition to those for hurt feelings.”
At the risk of turning this into a celebrity organ I re-examined my stash of photos from the event and managed to crop the following in an attempt to appease the bearded one.
Charlie then provided the following
To show that I am a reasonable man, I shall finish with a true story about a former Wembley cricketer and his oft-quoted tour to the Caribbean. As everybody knows, Chris Lewis famously spent an entire day bearing his shaved head to the hot sun and the soothing sea breezes with the result that he spent several days recovering from sunstroke and sunburn.
What most people do not know is that, during the 1980’s, he toured Trinidad & Tobago with Brent Schools U-15 (a tour managed by a friend of mine from whom I gleaned this gem at the time of CL’s England performance). During the course of that tour, a rather more hirsute Chris Lewis – for it was he – spent the entire day in the field sans hat, sunscreen or shade with the result that he spent a couple of days recovering from sunstroke and sunburn! Clearly the boy Lewis, unlike his latter-day England colleagues, failed to hold his hands up, learn from it and take it away with him.
Bowling Matters In an earlier edition I gave the thirty odd most common excuses a bowler provides his captain with when he cannot perform adequately in line with his side’s requirements of him. However, when a bowler is suffering from an acute hangover his poor, long suffering captain has to put up with even more bizarre explanations for his wayward performance:
When Peter Ray described KP as the Public Park Slogger in a recent issue I think we all knew what he was getting at but there was very little in my in my inbox relating to it. That was until I got this from Charlie Puckett:
“You are not, incidentally, the only person who believes that Flintoff should have been sent home and I wholeheartedly concur with Peter Ray’s views on the world’s No. 1 rated ODI player.”
When I found the following entry by Patrick Kidd on the Times blog I couldn’t resist sending it to Peter:
“Incidentally, consider this: Pietersen universally regarded (especially by himself) as the best batsman in England, has scored six hundreds and nine fifties in his 45 Test innings to date. Bell, universally regarded as a batsman perpetually on the verge of losing his place, has played two innings fewer than Pietersen and yet has also scored six hundreds with 11 fifties. But does Bell swan around with models and bring out deathly dull autobiographical ego fests?”
This had the desired effect and Peter responded:
“Indeed, indeed. In the last day or two, I have had to struggle not to throw up as people who should know better have written in the press on the lines that the PPS had steered England into a potential winning position by his usual self-seeking innings, ended also as usual by a shot which would dismay even if seen in the public park where he rightly belongs. Oddly enough, I had thought that in the first dig when the chips were actually down, it was others who had fronted up and performed. And surely it was Panesar who took six wickets? But what do I know?”
Obituary-Tiny Day
Donald “Tiny” Day died in January. From the late sixties for at least two decades he was an almost ever present occupant of the bar at South Hampstead. He originated from Paddington CC but in the era of the new pavilion at South Hampstead Tiny, like several Paddington members, made South Hampstead his home bar. I asked Denis Jones if he could help with any background information from his early years and he replied:
“Paddington do not hold any records that enable me to refer back to the contribution of Tiny, although thanks to the initial efforts of Fred Pryke (who passed away in December, in case you had not heard,) we have been trying to put together a few stories of our past days from old Paddington members. A provisional small booklet was printed off a year or so back, and if I can get hold of a spare copy I will forward it to you -not sure if you would want to publish anything, but you may find it an interesting distraction. We are also trying to put together information from old scorebooks, but I am led to believe that there are numerous gaps, with, sadly, many records assumed to be held at one time by Ernie Perrone, unable to be located.
So from my earliest memory, all I can say about Tiny is that he was a great stalwart of Paddington for many years starting from the 1950's, or possibly earlier. Principally I remember him as a diligent scorer, and occasional poor, but firm umpire! I think there were, well before my playing days, just a couple of occasions when he very reluctantly turned out as a player in hastily borrowed and very under-sized kit. I believe it was towards the end of the 1960's that he reduced his involvement with Paddington, preferring the regular availability of a clubhouse at South Hampstead.
He was definitely a founding member of the Paddington 'Light Ale Brigade'; a bunch of guys who we were fortunate enough to have follow us around on a regular basis, and always had their own views on the game, or match taking place, but really knew just as little about the game as those of us who were participating. Drinking Weybridge C.C. out of Light Ale, (and much more beside), when that was a popular drink, gave this bunch their nickname. The fondest memory for most of us will revolve around Tiny happily driving many members home in his Bedford dormobile-type van, before having a car was common-place. A sing-along session for all passengers was almost compulsory. Although a full-sized coach was often arranged, for various reasons there were Sundays when it was Tiny, driving to and fro, who made sure that we had enough players to start the game, and that a safe and pleasant journey home followed.”
Roy Dodson sent me this:
“Tiny, who was a Seed Pod, became very active on the social scene enjoying a few pints to go with darts in the winter and cricket in the summer. He joined the committee as Assistant Secretary, a post he held for several years, contributing to the smooth efficient running of the club. He umpired on numerous occasions both on tour and at the club and was always pleased to recount his successful LBWs! He later moved across to the Bowls Section where he spent many happy years both working on the green and as secretary. After the Bowls section at South Hampstead closed he joined Brondesbury Bowls Club. Tiny was a larger than life character who will be missed by his many friends.”
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket- number 46
You may have noticed recently that there has developed an apparent unlikely display of sportsmanship by boundary fielders who are all too quick to convey to the umpires that big hits have carried for six. Don’t be fooled by this. The modern fielder has been coached by lunatics who think that outfielders are ranked by the amount of green they can accumulate on their trousers by making reckless slides in pursuit of balls destined to reach the boundary and that it is easier to throw a ball in when sitting on your arse. These are the same morons who have started telling wicket keepers and bowlers to collect throw-ins from in front of the wicket. Anyway, the outfielder now will have his tea money docked if he doesn’t stop two being taken to him. So what does he do? He starts creeping in further and further until he ends up some fifteen yards in from the boundary. When a big hit comes his way he has to scamper backwards to try to get in a position to catch it. At the last minute he turns to see the ball land a foot over the rope. He then tries to cover his error by signalling a six on the basis that he didn’t stand a chance of catching it. The truth is that if he had been fielding in the right place the ball would have hit him in the bollox on its way down.
Old Danes Gathering
Several Old Danes have already notified me that they intend to attend the gathering at Shepherds Bush CC on Friday 27 July. However, it would considerably help in further publicity if others who intend to be there notify me so that I can circulate their names. It will also help to plan catering. The following are some details:
Last month Nick Reed posed the following teaser: “What is the notable achievement shared by David Lloyd, Robert Key and no other England international?” Steve Caley noted that their only test ton was a double. He suggested that Brad Hodge may still be in same club, but of course is not an Englishman, at least not yet. Come to think of it his Lancashire team mate Stuart Law is now English and so why shouldn’t Hodge become one of us too? However, in Lloyd and Key’s case they both scored their doubles at Lords.
In reply to the results of George’s World Cup Competition I received this from Ken Molloy: “Is there not a wooden spoon prize as well? Why should the winners always be those who get things right?” I replied under the heading Sad Loser; “You have the joy if not satisfaction of just knowing that you took your part, however small, in this momentous event. If you really want a prize send me your address and I will oblige.” He wrote back: “What do you mean a sad loser? If you had disqualified a few more I would have won. I assume the disqualification rules are to counter balance other actions of participants who resort to more dramatic measures like poisoning or strangulation, as retribution for teams choking on a big occasion?”
Red Mist Matters
David Hussey gets this month’s award for two quite exceptional six hitting feats. He started off by scoring 275 from 227 balls against the Essex attack in an innings which contained fourteen sixes and twenty seven fours. Then the following weekend rain reduced the Friends Provident Trophy North Conference game between Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire to a 13-over slog. Hussey scored 56 from 20 balls but this included a remarkable 32 from a single Greg Smith over. Having sliced the first ball for two, he hit the next five over the ropes. Hussey cleared the boundary with the next two deliveries, from Ant Botha, to record seven sixes in eight balls.
Strange Elevens
Bob Baxter noted that last month’s side were all or had been Middlesex players. Right in so far as it goes but not enough to win the prize. Ian MacIntosh sent me a stream of consciousness email that actually included the right answer alongside some wild guesses: “They are all Middlesex test cricket players, ah Morgan plays for Ireland not test playing country, all at least one day world cup, how about all non UK born , ah Dalrymple Scots name not sure where born?” The key piece to add to Bob Baxter’s answer was that they had also appeared in this year’s World Cup.
Here is this month’s Strange Eleven:
Andy Miller
Richard Ellis
Christopher Walton
Peter Delisle
John Carr
Maurice Manasseh
Colin Drybrough
Tim Lamb
Mike Selvey
John Warr
Paul Fisher (w/k)
As usual all you have to do is find a Jazz Hat to fit them all.
Health Report
Andy Tutton sent me this
“My Dad, Bruce, recently underwent double bypass surgery on his heart and is making a steady recovery. He's now at the stage where he has a golf club in his hands and sometimes even walks as far as the back garden to practice his swing. He is also gradually regaining his taste for red wine.”
We all wish Bruce all the best for a full and complete recovery.
Football Matters
Andrew Baker is a thoroughly modern football manager but one who also has nostalgic tendencies. He was telling me recently that for next season he wants to revert to a five man forward line to give his team the maximum number of scoring opportunities. To this end he has sent his best scout, Kelvin West, to seek a ready made front line which he can sign en bloc. Kelvin has apparently taken to this task like a duck to water and has made a number of proposals already. Andrew is already contemplating this lot who currently play for The Spearmint Rhinos:
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 54
June 2007
Extraordinary Matters
The following photo is actually real. It is neither manipulated nor digitally enhanced. But what was the occasion?
Only one of the following explanations is correct:
1. Ali Chef Cook is seen fulfilling a lifelong ambition to pull identical twins.
2. Mind numbingly tedious Alastair Cook is seen with his prize for winning the raffle at the Chelmsford Lap Dancing Club.
3. Alastair Cook is seen celebrating the passing of the austere Fletcher years with Peter Moores’ nieces.
4. Cack-handed, beanpole Alastair Cook is seen receiving the Ian Botham Award for Lascivious Behaviour in Australia.
5. Son of Graham and Elizabeth Cook, Alastair, is seen receiving a belated Twenty First birthday present from notorious Essex pranksters Keith Fletcher and Graham Gooch.
6. Squash playing, golfer Alastair Cook is seen rehearsing his song “Two Ladies” for the Essex CCC production of Cabaret.
7. Alistair Cook, apparently wearing Joel Garner’s trousers, poses in a photo shoot for a nude calendar
8. Young Player of the Year, Alistair Cook, is seen taking the annual ritual Essex beating from females as retribution for the Middle Ages practice of dunking witches prevalent in the Ilford area.
Old Trafford Matters
I went to the opening day of the championship season at Old Trafford with the Professor. It was a glorious sunny day and I arrived first and decided to park myself in the C stand which put me as close to behind the bowlers arm as you can get at the Statham End. It was already past ten thirty and so I was too late to see what warm up antics these guys get up to. Surrey had already won the toss and Mark Butcher decided to bat. Three days previously Brown and Benning had added 284 for the first wicket but Batty and Newman were sent out to get things underway. Apparently what could be achieved against the Gloucestershire attack on Sunday could not be contemplated against Lancashire on a Wednesday. Lancashire used Cork and Chapple with the new ball. These enthusiastic and popular veterans are of an age and speed that would suggest that they could well be playing for Middlesex next season. Their lack of penetration with the new ball further confirmed this prediction.
The Professor had been delayed by unexpectedly heavy traffic on the M60, Manchester’s very own M25. When he arrived we communicated by cell phone and were soon munching away through Danish pastries but without coffee, which was not available on the ground as there was nowhere selling such bistro style beverages in these northern parts, although the sickening aroma of frying was already evident. We were sitting amongst the local cognoscenti who were surprisingly well behaved and Surrey were spared the vulgar gibes about southerners that they had expressed so forcibly when Middlesex played there a couple of seasons back.
After a slow start Scott Newman started to hit the ball cleanly through extra cover off both the front and back foot. Batty by then had become becalmed but he eventually managed to evade the fielders with some perfectly timed drives and Surrey went into lunch at 111 without loss. Cork must have been given a large raw steak for lunch for he started after the intervals with four consecutive bouncers against Newman which the batsman watched go by. However, Cork also started his next over with a bouncer which Newman obligingly top edged gently to long leg who caught it in front of us. This was probably the turning point of the match as Surrey never regained the initiative thereafter. Ramprakesh and Newby both fell to Oliver Newby who interestingly was given a spell before England man Tom Smith. Smith is one of the quartet of Lancashire seamers, Freddie, Anderson and Mahmood being the others, who featured in the old England set up. It will be interesting to see who gets picked if they all become available.
Rikki Clarke came in at five and he looks like he has spent the winter dining with Lardarse. For one easy single he waddled up the wicket and would have been run out by a direct hit. When he and Batty fell Surrey had slumped to 209 for 5. This was on a good looking wicket although the Professor noted repeatedly that it was staying low and rearing from the Statham end. It subsequently turned out that the original wicket selected for this match had been abandoned because of the appearance of cracks in it and that the one used had been prepared for a one day match. Perhaps that was also the problem with last year’s test match wicket which so suited Harmison and which turned before lunch on the first day.
The C stand Lancashire supporters seemed happy enough with their progress but everything changed just before tea when Kenny arrived. Kenny appeared dressed in shirtsleeves, braces and a bright red baseball cap and he announced his arrival at the top of the stairs with a cheery “Hello everybody” in his George Formby voice. This friendly greeting was met with “Go away”, “buggar off” and other less repeatable retorts. Needless to say Kenny plonked himself down just in front of us and proceeded to engage the entire stand in his infantile prattle which ranged from where he might be able to watch that evening’s Manchester United match in Milan, to the fate of Altrincham FC and to what he claimed was a copy of the bible, but clearly wasn’t, that he had recently been given. All this rather distracted us from the serious business of cricket watching and Lancashire were working their way methodically through the Surrey tail. Benning to his disgust was given out LBW on the front foot to Keedy and when Brown was bowled by Smith the end was in sight. It was about this time that Kenny announced that he had been suffering from an infection in his waterworks which was, of course, more information than we needed or wanted.
Surrey were dismissed for 284 which left Lancashire with six overs to survive till the close. The much travelled Mohammed Akram started proceedings from the Stretford end against Chilton and Sutcliffe. These two must be one of the weakest opening pairs in county cricket which is odd given the overall strength of Lancashire’s batting. Akram looked sharp but not as sharp as Saker who was decidedly quick from the Statham end and it wasn’t long before he trapped Sutcliffe in front. This brought in Keedy as nightwatchman and we had the ludicrous spectacle of singles being declined to keep Chilton away from the strike. This was reminiscent of Hoggard and Pietersen at Lords last year. Jimmy Fat Boy Ormond appeared in black sunglasses and strolled around in the unlikely position of leg gully like the proprietor of a strip club. He gives his weight in the Cricketers Who’s Who as fifteen stone. I think that the Great Jack Morgan is right in that with many of these guys you have to add a couple of stone to their weight and deduct a couple of inches from their reported heights in this publication.
When stumps were drawn for the day the sun was still beating down and the Professor and I felt we had seen the new season in appropriate style.
Out and About with the Professor
You will be pleased to know that Welwyn Garden City CC got off to winning ways this weekend. A comfortable win against Hertfordshire set us off to a good start. The County were of course weakened by the fact that WGCCC players were playing for us - but it's always nice to win. We are now putting 5 sides into the field on Saturdays and our First XI has been strengthened by the signing of James Hewitt who has played for Kent and Middlesex. He joins Aaron Laraman as our opening attack and while neither of them is lightening fast, they are a very handy pair to open the bowling. We have also attracted some very useful young cricketers and a couple of them are likely to play in the Ones at the ripe old age of 17. It all augers very well....but then it often does at this time in the season.
The "Start of the Season" booze-up (also known as "President's Night") went very well and there was much talk of the new season as well as reminiscences from those poor souls who had been to Australia or the West Indies. There was also much chat about "whither England", and I was pleased to hear support for my views about this subject. As you know, I have long held the view that the future of cricket in this country is inextricably linked to the performance of the national side and that county chairmen (like Jack Simmons) do not have that as their objective. This is not a moral issue (or a personal weakness) - they simply have the performance of their county as their overriding concern. The analogy of Premier League football teams was made during the evening - why should Arsene Wenger have any concern about the England football team? He doesn't and, in a sense, nor does it matter - unless you are a patriot - since support for football could scarcely be healthier. But if England fails at cricket, the popular enthusiasm for the game will wane still further.
The following day a copy of a disreputable journal called "The Sunday Times" slipped into my hands and I was surprised to read an (almost) identical position statement from the Professional Cricketers Association who observed that: "the county game survives largely on monies handed out by the ECB and that pot depends heavily on the performance of the national side". Exactly! The piece went on to question the number of non-England qualified players in each county and the insufficiency of the "performance-enhancement fee" in getting them to play qualified players.
Meanwhile, people like me have much to enjoy. Yorkshire versus Worcestershire (at Headingley next week) will have some of the world's best cricketers on view ...Jacques, Rudolph, Younis, Price, Kruis, Gillespie...and a couple who could play for England. I will enjoy it - but the myopia of those who run the game will be there for all to see.
He later updated me
I had a reasonable amount of play at Headingley but watching young Sayers bat is an acquired taste - bit like John Edrich, without the flair. Worcestershire didn't look too great though - they dropped the only chance they had until White got out, and beat the bat on very few occasions. White also took to Batty, belting him over mid-on where the fielder was fashionably 15 yards in from the fence. I read in the paper that Worcester had signed Nel (who didn't look too threatening) for ten days - can that be right? Why not overnight - like call-money in the City? Or have a quick 'phone round on the morning of the game like Judith used to do to get supply teachers?
The Baxter Report
The Middlesex League Chairman, Bob Baxter, sent me these early season notes
At Middlesex you will find out that Pooley has gone. Toby Radford is going to be closer to the main set up while bringing on the academy boys. He is pushing some of the 16/17 year olds from the academy to the bigger league clubs which hopefully will bring them on quicker. Billy Godelman is a prime example whom Brondesbury took on in 2003 as fourteen year old and promised him 1st XI league cricket. Whilst the season has only just got under way and the wickets are good for batting he has taken his chance and leapfrogged the likes of Morgan and will hopefully cement a place in the county side. Embers will be very involved with the academy and pushing Middlesex as a club. We will see how it all works out!
Having started my club career at South Hampstead in the early seventies and played my first few games under the likes or Wallis, Jerman, Cordaroy, Sharp, Cozens and Thompson I certainly have a few memories of how the game used to be played! It is of course difficult to say whether standards are higher now or not in club cricket and I can feel a repost from Peter Ray as I write this. I think we all agree the fielding is certainly better and the running between wickets at 1st XI level is often excellent. As for the batting I feel that more shots have been added to players repertoires and although some of these shots are in my case more likely to get you out than not they make it much more tricky for the fielding captain. Also the fact that Premiership sides play 120 overs a day the batsman have more time to get themselves in and I would suggest that the batting is of at least a comparable standard and there is probably more depth in the lower order.
The bowling however seems to be struggling to keep up the same standard and I would suggest the overall level is not on a par with twenty plus years ago. The wickets have become slower which doesn't help the quicker bowlers but most of those seem to be overseas recruits. There are some decent slow bowlers but I would not say they were of the same caliber of John Cox or the previously mentioned PF to name but a couple.
The MCCL is in a fairly healthy state with Shepherd Neame being the sponsors and the good news is that discipline at the top level of league cricket has improved over the last couple of years due to players being given lengthy bans if they step out of line. A shame the professional game doesn't follow suit.
Middlesex Matters
The Great Jack Morgan sent me this
On Thursday, I went to Uxbridge for the second day of the 2s game v MCCYCs and was surprised to spot the Director of Cricket practising with the lads before the start. On collecting my team sheet, I was even more surprised to see that the Director was actually playing! Bear in mind that these are 12-a-side games and it has been quite common for Jason Pooley to name himself as the twelfth player, but to take little or no part in the match, but the DC had apparently fielded throughout the morning on day one while C Whelan made his way back from Taunton and had even bowled one (maiden) over. The (fairly) sensational news is that Jason has been sacked. Vinny the Cod handled the whole thing badly and tried to get rid of him without a pay-off, but Jason will now get some compensation. Jason is fairly streetwise and knew his rights, so he brought along his representatives to the negotiations. Toby Radford is now running the 2s as well as the academy and his coach, Keerthi Ranasinghe, was also in attendance. Toby had broken his wrist, so that was why the Director of Cricket had to take his place in the team (but Keerthi is a very useful player, so why didn’t he play?). The Middlesex bowling had been hammered for 432-6 dec on day one, but they batted fairly well for 352-6 dec on day two (nightwatchman Whelan 72, Levy 63, Scott 74 and Housego 55*). Whelan has gone ahead of Wright in the pecking order, but Wright led him by four wickets to one by the end of day two. New pace bowlers Danny Evans and Marc Jackson should fit in well as they were both off the field injured when the YCs batted again and so the Director had to field again and take a catch at first slip and bowl another maiden.
The other sub was Keegan. Chad’s hairstyle is always worth watching out for and this year he has gone for the four penny all-off in combination with long wispy sideburns that makes him look very much like someone that the police need to help them with their enquiries. Chad is officially unavailable for selection at present because of a sore back, but was throwing himself around in the field as if he had never had an injury in his life. I didn’t go on Friday, so I do not know the result of the match, but I expect it will be on the website in due course. The Crusader made no mention of Jason’s departure even though he has apparently been gone for months. The lack of bowlers coming through the system is a real problem, but it is tough to blame it all on Jason. Radford is doing a “fantastic job” according to Emburey (who has himself been promoted), but to me it is the job of all the coaching staff to bring through home-grown bowlers, not just Pooley’s responsibility. However, I did worry about Jason’s judgment when he told me that Wright, Whelan, Rankin and Finn were a ready-made first team attack!
Puckett Matters
Following my report last month on the South Hampstead dinner I received the following from Charlie Puckett
“The ‘bearded umpire’ was none other than your correspondent and erstwhile long-suffering Secretary of the Middlesex County Cricket League. I don’t know, I grace the table with my presence, suffer abuse at the hands of the speaker and am then denied my 15 minutes of fame.
If that were not bad, worse was to follow. The photograph, which frightened the younger viewers by featuring PF, ended at Mr. Perrin. Had you paid out for a wide-angle lens (yes, I know, Ray, a very wide-angle lens) you could have included the writer. I shall insist, as I feel I must, upon a full disclosure and, should I find that you have in fact airbrushed me out of history, I shall be demanding punitive damages in addition to those for hurt feelings.”
At the risk of turning this into a celebrity organ I re-examined my stash of photos from the event and managed to crop the following in an attempt to appease the bearded one.
Charlie then provided the following
To show that I am a reasonable man, I shall finish with a true story about a former Wembley cricketer and his oft-quoted tour to the Caribbean. As everybody knows, Chris Lewis famously spent an entire day bearing his shaved head to the hot sun and the soothing sea breezes with the result that he spent several days recovering from sunstroke and sunburn.
What most people do not know is that, during the 1980’s, he toured Trinidad & Tobago with Brent Schools U-15 (a tour managed by a friend of mine from whom I gleaned this gem at the time of CL’s England performance). During the course of that tour, a rather more hirsute Chris Lewis – for it was he – spent the entire day in the field sans hat, sunscreen or shade with the result that he spent a couple of days recovering from sunstroke and sunburn! Clearly the boy Lewis, unlike his latter-day England colleagues, failed to hold his hands up, learn from it and take it away with him.
Bowling Matters In an earlier edition I gave the thirty odd most common excuses a bowler provides his captain with when he cannot perform adequately in line with his side’s requirements of him. However, when a bowler is suffering from an acute hangover his poor, long suffering captain has to put up with even more bizarre explanations for his wayward performance:
- The traffic on the other side of the hedge is putting me off.
- First slip keeps pulling funny faces at me.
- There is a walrus following me back to my mark.
- I’ve got my lucky rabbit’s foot in the wrong pocket.
- I’m afraid the jangling of keys in my pocket is making my headache worse.
- Is it possible skip that I have put my trousers on back to front as well as my boots on the wrong feet?
- I thought that if I bowled off the wrong foot it might just help me pitch one on the strip.
- Could you ask the wicket keeper to stop floating around, please?
- Why have the other bowlers not complained about the hedgehog sitting on a length?
- The ball keeps expanding and contracting in my hand.
When Peter Ray described KP as the Public Park Slogger in a recent issue I think we all knew what he was getting at but there was very little in my in my inbox relating to it. That was until I got this from Charlie Puckett:
“You are not, incidentally, the only person who believes that Flintoff should have been sent home and I wholeheartedly concur with Peter Ray’s views on the world’s No. 1 rated ODI player.”
When I found the following entry by Patrick Kidd on the Times blog I couldn’t resist sending it to Peter:
“Incidentally, consider this: Pietersen universally regarded (especially by himself) as the best batsman in England, has scored six hundreds and nine fifties in his 45 Test innings to date. Bell, universally regarded as a batsman perpetually on the verge of losing his place, has played two innings fewer than Pietersen and yet has also scored six hundreds with 11 fifties. But does Bell swan around with models and bring out deathly dull autobiographical ego fests?”
This had the desired effect and Peter responded:
“Indeed, indeed. In the last day or two, I have had to struggle not to throw up as people who should know better have written in the press on the lines that the PPS had steered England into a potential winning position by his usual self-seeking innings, ended also as usual by a shot which would dismay even if seen in the public park where he rightly belongs. Oddly enough, I had thought that in the first dig when the chips were actually down, it was others who had fronted up and performed. And surely it was Panesar who took six wickets? But what do I know?”
Obituary-Tiny Day
Donald “Tiny” Day died in January. From the late sixties for at least two decades he was an almost ever present occupant of the bar at South Hampstead. He originated from Paddington CC but in the era of the new pavilion at South Hampstead Tiny, like several Paddington members, made South Hampstead his home bar. I asked Denis Jones if he could help with any background information from his early years and he replied:
“Paddington do not hold any records that enable me to refer back to the contribution of Tiny, although thanks to the initial efforts of Fred Pryke (who passed away in December, in case you had not heard,) we have been trying to put together a few stories of our past days from old Paddington members. A provisional small booklet was printed off a year or so back, and if I can get hold of a spare copy I will forward it to you -not sure if you would want to publish anything, but you may find it an interesting distraction. We are also trying to put together information from old scorebooks, but I am led to believe that there are numerous gaps, with, sadly, many records assumed to be held at one time by Ernie Perrone, unable to be located.
So from my earliest memory, all I can say about Tiny is that he was a great stalwart of Paddington for many years starting from the 1950's, or possibly earlier. Principally I remember him as a diligent scorer, and occasional poor, but firm umpire! I think there were, well before my playing days, just a couple of occasions when he very reluctantly turned out as a player in hastily borrowed and very under-sized kit. I believe it was towards the end of the 1960's that he reduced his involvement with Paddington, preferring the regular availability of a clubhouse at South Hampstead.
He was definitely a founding member of the Paddington 'Light Ale Brigade'; a bunch of guys who we were fortunate enough to have follow us around on a regular basis, and always had their own views on the game, or match taking place, but really knew just as little about the game as those of us who were participating. Drinking Weybridge C.C. out of Light Ale, (and much more beside), when that was a popular drink, gave this bunch their nickname. The fondest memory for most of us will revolve around Tiny happily driving many members home in his Bedford dormobile-type van, before having a car was common-place. A sing-along session for all passengers was almost compulsory. Although a full-sized coach was often arranged, for various reasons there were Sundays when it was Tiny, driving to and fro, who made sure that we had enough players to start the game, and that a safe and pleasant journey home followed.”
Roy Dodson sent me this:
“Tiny, who was a Seed Pod, became very active on the social scene enjoying a few pints to go with darts in the winter and cricket in the summer. He joined the committee as Assistant Secretary, a post he held for several years, contributing to the smooth efficient running of the club. He umpired on numerous occasions both on tour and at the club and was always pleased to recount his successful LBWs! He later moved across to the Bowls Section where he spent many happy years both working on the green and as secretary. After the Bowls section at South Hampstead closed he joined Brondesbury Bowls Club. Tiny was a larger than life character who will be missed by his many friends.”
Irritating trends in Modern Cricket- number 46
You may have noticed recently that there has developed an apparent unlikely display of sportsmanship by boundary fielders who are all too quick to convey to the umpires that big hits have carried for six. Don’t be fooled by this. The modern fielder has been coached by lunatics who think that outfielders are ranked by the amount of green they can accumulate on their trousers by making reckless slides in pursuit of balls destined to reach the boundary and that it is easier to throw a ball in when sitting on your arse. These are the same morons who have started telling wicket keepers and bowlers to collect throw-ins from in front of the wicket. Anyway, the outfielder now will have his tea money docked if he doesn’t stop two being taken to him. So what does he do? He starts creeping in further and further until he ends up some fifteen yards in from the boundary. When a big hit comes his way he has to scamper backwards to try to get in a position to catch it. At the last minute he turns to see the ball land a foot over the rope. He then tries to cover his error by signalling a six on the basis that he didn’t stand a chance of catching it. The truth is that if he had been fielding in the right place the ball would have hit him in the bollox on its way down.
Old Danes Gathering
Several Old Danes have already notified me that they intend to attend the gathering at Shepherds Bush CC on Friday 27 July. However, it would considerably help in further publicity if others who intend to be there notify me so that I can circulate their names. It will also help to plan catering. The following are some details:
- It is for all Old Danes not just cricketers.
- Old Danes of all generations will be welcome.
- I have only limited contact with Old Danes through Googlies. Please help spread the word through your own contacts.
- The cricket match starts at 2pm but Old Danes will be welcome throughout the day. It is hoped that Old Danes who have to work that day will be able to join us in the evening. The bar will be open till late.
- To help us prepare for the event, if you are planning to attend please email me ([email protected]) and give me your dates at the school (e.g. Jim Sharp 1959-66).
- Shepherds Bush CC is now located in East Acton on the playing field adjacent to its former ground. Access to the new ground is via Bromyard Avenue.
Last month Nick Reed posed the following teaser: “What is the notable achievement shared by David Lloyd, Robert Key and no other England international?” Steve Caley noted that their only test ton was a double. He suggested that Brad Hodge may still be in same club, but of course is not an Englishman, at least not yet. Come to think of it his Lancashire team mate Stuart Law is now English and so why shouldn’t Hodge become one of us too? However, in Lloyd and Key’s case they both scored their doubles at Lords.
In reply to the results of George’s World Cup Competition I received this from Ken Molloy: “Is there not a wooden spoon prize as well? Why should the winners always be those who get things right?” I replied under the heading Sad Loser; “You have the joy if not satisfaction of just knowing that you took your part, however small, in this momentous event. If you really want a prize send me your address and I will oblige.” He wrote back: “What do you mean a sad loser? If you had disqualified a few more I would have won. I assume the disqualification rules are to counter balance other actions of participants who resort to more dramatic measures like poisoning or strangulation, as retribution for teams choking on a big occasion?”
Red Mist Matters
David Hussey gets this month’s award for two quite exceptional six hitting feats. He started off by scoring 275 from 227 balls against the Essex attack in an innings which contained fourteen sixes and twenty seven fours. Then the following weekend rain reduced the Friends Provident Trophy North Conference game between Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire to a 13-over slog. Hussey scored 56 from 20 balls but this included a remarkable 32 from a single Greg Smith over. Having sliced the first ball for two, he hit the next five over the ropes. Hussey cleared the boundary with the next two deliveries, from Ant Botha, to record seven sixes in eight balls.
Strange Elevens
Bob Baxter noted that last month’s side were all or had been Middlesex players. Right in so far as it goes but not enough to win the prize. Ian MacIntosh sent me a stream of consciousness email that actually included the right answer alongside some wild guesses: “They are all Middlesex test cricket players, ah Morgan plays for Ireland not test playing country, all at least one day world cup, how about all non UK born , ah Dalrymple Scots name not sure where born?” The key piece to add to Bob Baxter’s answer was that they had also appeared in this year’s World Cup.
Here is this month’s Strange Eleven:
Andy Miller
Richard Ellis
Christopher Walton
Peter Delisle
John Carr
Maurice Manasseh
Colin Drybrough
Tim Lamb
Mike Selvey
John Warr
Paul Fisher (w/k)
As usual all you have to do is find a Jazz Hat to fit them all.
Health Report
Andy Tutton sent me this
“My Dad, Bruce, recently underwent double bypass surgery on his heart and is making a steady recovery. He's now at the stage where he has a golf club in his hands and sometimes even walks as far as the back garden to practice his swing. He is also gradually regaining his taste for red wine.”
We all wish Bruce all the best for a full and complete recovery.
Football Matters
Andrew Baker is a thoroughly modern football manager but one who also has nostalgic tendencies. He was telling me recently that for next season he wants to revert to a five man forward line to give his team the maximum number of scoring opportunities. To this end he has sent his best scout, Kelvin West, to seek a ready made front line which he can sign en bloc. Kelvin has apparently taken to this task like a duck to water and has made a number of proposals already. Andrew is already contemplating this lot who currently play for The Spearmint Rhinos:
Googlies and Chinamen
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