G&C 282
GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 282
June 2026
Spot the Ball
Out and About with the Professor
Time was when the sporting calendar was reasonably well delineated: when football stopped, cricket began, and when cricket was coming towards the end, football started up again. Anyone remember that? It was, in truth, a very long time ago.
Football ended with the Cup Final (there was only one) and that took place in early May, while the final Saturday cricket match always seemed to coincide with the last night of the Proms (ideal for the patriotic player). Even further back in time the “Matthews” Cup Final, for example, was played in mid-April.
No longer. Now the Cup Final is played before the end of the League season which, this year, finished on May 24th… except that there was one “play-off”, on the 25th. But that was not the end of the football season. That ended with the European Cup final on 30th May (warmly remembered by Arsenal fans). But that isn’t really the end either, since the World Cup starts on 11th June and goes on, and on, and on. Moreover, what looks like 12 days respite, (between the 30th and the 11th) isn’t, of course, any such thing. Between the 30th May and the start of the World Cup there are the women’s Euro Cup qualifiers and a plethora of “friendlies”, as nations prepare themselves for a visit to Trumpland. (How does one do that, by the way: a short course in supine servility, with instructions from the US media?) The amount of planned preparation suggests that the world’s football teams see match practice as rather more important than did the England cricket team last December and…they might be right about that. The World Cup final is on the 19th July, so there is another spell of relief…but it is short-lived. The football league programme begins again on the 14th August. But before that there is something called the Carabao Cup on the 7th and of course the Scottish can always be relied upon to do something importunately premature…they start on August 1st.
So not much room for cricket then. But cricket is also complicit in this calendar shifting business. Yorkshire’s season began on April 3rd with a County Championship game at Cardiff; this was four days before the “traditional” warm-up game against Leeds and Bradford universities. The last Championship game is due to end on the 27th September. (The last night of the Proms, should you feel the need to mark your card, is a fortnight earlier.)
Does any of this matter? The county championship has long ago ceded most of June, July and August to mammon, and the two sports might be able to operate concurrently. Why, in any case, is football regarded as a winter sport? Presumably it fills the space that cricket cannot – I recall that the cricketers of Melbourne, in the 19th century, took to “Aussie Rules” as a way of keeping fit in the winter. Perhaps a trip to a football match and a cricket match in one week is excessive, both in time and money, for working households – that doesn’t really affect the County Championship, since for most of the spectators, “work” is a distant memory. Yorkshire’s last county match at Headingley was the comprehensive (and somewhat unanticipated) thrashing of Surrey by an innings and plenty. The players on display could have made up an impressive England “Past and Present” team: Sibley, Burns, Smith, Lawrence, Fisher, Lyth, Root, Brook, Bairstow and Bess looks like the makings of a decent side. In the event, hundreds from Lyth and Bairstow gave Yorkshire a sizable first innings total and Surrey’s high-scoring batters failed in both innings. Root (being Root) took the chance of some useful practice and looked on his way to a big score before he got what looked to be a fairly scruffy LB decision. While Brook (being Brook) charged down the pitch to his seventh ball, swished, and was caught behind. I did not hear the sound of any applause when he returned to the pavilion. We were all friends again however in Surrey’s second innings, when Brook’s unlikely 3-11 wrapped up the win.
Root and Lyth leave the field at lunch on the first day. Lyth went on to make 141
So, Yorkshire can go into the next Championship game at Headingley with a lot of confidence. When is that? September 8th.
This & That
I could have started this off with the exciting news that Middlesex topped Division 2 of the County Championship after one game but, despite another victory, had slipped to seventh out of eight by the time we had reached the White Ball Break. There is no good news for them in the Blast as they are bottom of the South Group after two matches and no wins. But there is one man, or should I say boy, who insists on taking the limelight – Vaihab Sooryavanshi. He has featured regularly in these notes since he burst onto the scene a year ago but his performances in the last few weeks have almost defied credibility.
During the IPL season Sooryavanshi had scored a hundred and a ninety. As the regular season drew to a close Vaibhav Sooryavanshi struck 93 off 38 balls as Rajasthan Royals beat Lucknow Super Giants to boost their chances of reaching the Indian Premier League play-offs. The 15-year-old hit 10 sixes in another staggering innings. Of Sooryavanshi's 93 runs, 88 came from boundaries as he dominated the already eliminated Super Giants. He looked certain to score his second century of the campaign, only to mistime a shot off Mohsin Khan to Abdul Samad in the deep.
In the Eliminator of the competition he went a step further and scored 97 from just 29 balls in an innings which included twelve sixes. He narrowly missed beating Chris Gayle’s fastest IPL century of 30 balls. After hitting boundaries off seven balls in succession, he had one delivery to break Chris Gayle's record but was caught at deep third attempting an upper cut. Sooryavanshi had reached 50 in 16 balls His seventh six, hit in only the fourth over, broke the record for the most sixes in an IPL season - a record previously held by Gayle with 59.
Then two days later in the Qualifier his side slumped to 118 for 5 before he unleashed another onslaught but eventually fell for 96 off 47 balls. However, his side’s 214 for 6 was not enough as the Gujarat Titans eased comfortably past their total with Gill making 104.
In this match Sai Sudharsan created some sort of personal record by falling hit wicket for the second consecutive play-off match. In the 13th over, Sudharsan was batting on 58 off 32 balls and looked set to accelerate the chase of 215. He sliced a low full toss from Brijesh Sharma behind square for four, but in the follow-through, his bat slipped from his grip and crashed directly onto his own stumps.
The Gujarat Titans may beat RCB to win the trophy on Sunday, but they have not had it all their own way. In Match 60 the lowly KKR clocked up 247 for 2 with Finn Allen (remember him?) making 93 from 35 balls. GT managed just 218 for 4 in reply.
In the first Qualifier RCB beat GT having made 254 for 5 with their captain Patidar making 93 not out from 33 balls. For RCB Kohli is now opening with Venkatesh Iyer having lost both of his English (actually Welsh and West Indian) partners, Salt and Bethell, to injuries.
In the IPL the Orange Cap is passed from player to player as they become the leading run scorer in the competition and it is taken extremely seriously. Sooryavanshi (776) leads this list with just Sunday’s final to play. Only Gill (722), Sudharsan (710) and Kohli (600) can overtake him. The IPL attracts the very best players in World cricket. Only two, Klaasen and Marsh, of the top eleven scorers in the race for the Orange Cap are not Indian. The other five are Ish Kish, KL Rahul, Abishek Sharma, Jurel and Prabhsimran Singh. Those who will be watching the Hundred in August should remind themselves that there are no Indians performing and that the tournament is, therefore automatically second rate, apart from its other failings.
Its ex- Middlesex men rather than the current ones who continue to take the limelight. At Derbyshire Martin Andersson opens the batting in the T20 competition and has scored three consecutive fifties. Then in his first bowl in the competition he took 6 for 23 against Leicestershire. At Leicestershire Stevie Eskinazi rescued his adopted county from 112 for 7 to 308 all out with 100.
Meanwhile at Lords in the Surrey Blast match Ryan Higgins emulated Sudharsan when he lost his grip on the bat trying to drive Tom Curran only for the bat to loop up back over his head and land on his stumps.
The Professor keeps us up to date with the politics at Headingley, but there is still little evidence of the promised inclusion of local Indian and Muslim talent in the sides. Perhaps the closest is Moeen Ali, from the Midlands, in their Blast side, which is a real Dads’ Army set up. Recent imports include Ali at 38, AJ Tye is 39 and the Pakistani, Hasan Ali, is 32. They are captained by Jonny Bairstow who is 36.
Kiran Carlson hit a century for Glamorgan as they eased past reigning T20 Blast champions Somerset with more than six overs of their run chase to spare. He 13 fours and six sixes as the Welsh club chased down Somerset's total of 171-9 at Sophia Gardens. He had earlier made 209 in his side’s victory over Hampshire in the Championship having added 318 with ul Hassan (143) for the second wicket.
Thompson Matters
Steve has been privileged to overhear a special conversation
The process which saw eighty applicants interviewed for the post which eventually saw Marcus North appointed to the role of Senior selector for the England Men’s cricket team is well documented. Less coverage was given to the candidate who was the panel’s eightieth preference.
When Brian and Sachin told Virat that he had absolutely no chance of getting the Chief Steward’s job for major matches at Lord’s this summer, Virat (Indian mother and a father from County Cork and who used to pull pints at the old Tavern in the 80’s) replied, ‘Don’t worry boys I’ve got the luck of the Irish.’
So, in late April, on a bad line from his bedroom in Neasden he rang the Home of Cricket.
VIRAT: Hello is that Lord’s?
LORDS SWITCHBOARD: Yes, but I can hardly hear you, it’s a bad line. Who’s speaking please?
VIRAT: It’s Virat, Virat Crowley. I’m ringing about the top job.
SWITCHBOARD: Really! Goodness! Of course. Hold the line please. I’ll just transfer you.
SWITCHBOARD: Hello David, I’ve got Virat Kohli on the other line. He’s calling about the Head selector post. It’s a bad line though.
DAVID COURT (Head of Player identification at ECB): Gosh, really, I hadn’t seen that coming. He’s obviously calling from India. Put him on would you please.
COURT: Virat? Good to hear from you.
VIRAT: Thank you, Sir. Yes, I’m ringing about the top job. I think I can bring a lot to the role.
COURT: I’m sure you can Virat but as I’m sure you know we have had a lot of interest in the post.
VIRAT: I’m sure you have Sir. It’s a vital role. My mother thinks I’ve got all the qualities you’re looking for.
COURT: Of course. Can I just say though Virat, it doesn’t sound like you. Are you OK?
VIRAT: Well I was out last night with Sachin and Brian. We had a few Cobras after nine holes. I’m a bit croaky.
COURT: Ah that explains it. I didn’t realise you played golf. That’s a tick in the right box. The others will like that.
VIRAT: Obviously I wouldn’t do that the night before a big game.
COURT: Oh, that’s a shame as the others certainly would. Now, I’m aware that you have, let’s just say, a bit of a short fuse Virat. How do you see that impacting on the role?
VIRAT: Well, I’ve heard that you can be subjected to a lot of abuse from the fans. Idiots who think they know better. My good friend Sachin is calm and doesn’t overreact but I’d just tell them to F-off and carry on doing it my way, Sir.
COURT. Yes, excellent, that’s exactly the attitude we are looking for. Can I ask what you’ve done to prepare for the role?
VIRAT: Well, I’ve had my eyes tested, that might not seem much but it’s a whole lot more preparation than the England Team did last winter before that debacle down under.
COURT: Well, we are all entitled to our own view Virat. What concerns me is how you will combine your playing career with this post?
VIRAT: Well to be honest Sir, It’s only a few days a year and so I’m sure the boys won’t miss me too much.
COURT: That’s unusually modest of you Virat if I may say so. Now I want to ask you about Ollie Robinson. What do you think of him?
VIRAT: I hate the bastard Sir.
COURT: Really, why?
VIRAT: He’s a racist Sir. All those messages on social media. And those violent marches he organises are a disgrace. I wouldn’t let him into any cricket ground Sir.
COURT: Oh, we were thinking otherwise but anyway, do you have any questions for us?
VIRAT: Well, I’m aware that in this role you can’t watch much cricket. Obviously, I’ll be focusing on other things, but will there be any chance to watch many of the games?
COURT: Well between you and me we don’t consider watching the game a priority.
You might see the odd ball now and again but to be honest you’ll spend most of your time with your back to the game.
VIRAT: Ha ha! If I may say so Sir you really do sound like one of those blokes on the England selection panel. Honestly that lot couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. Actually, that’s probably the only thing they could do. I know I’m probably speaking out of turn but they’re a complete bunch of....
COURT: ....thank you Virat, I think I get the picture. Goodbye!
Lions fail to Roar
The England Lions have just suffered their second thrashing at the hands of South Africa A. Whilst such matches don’t count for anything there must be some sort of element of national pride involved. I thought that the Lions were England’s second eleven but this is palpably not the case. The Lions are selected from a squad of players who the ECB consider should gain experience in international cricket. Therefore, nobody from the Test squad is included and in fact, because of the central nature of English cricket through the age groups, individuals may have played little or no county cricket.
So, it is unsurprising that when checking the scorecard for these matches you find yourself scrabbling for Playfair or googling names on the internet to try to establish who they are. I was surprised to see the Middlesex pair Geddes and Sharma included. Geddes has done little since his free transfer from Surrey and Sharma had certainly done nothing for Middlesex at the time of his selection.
The other batsmen are Charlie Allison (Essex), Ben McKinney (Durham), Asa Tribe (Glamorgan) and James Wharton (Yorkshire). The wicket keeper is Ben Mayes (Hampshire), the allrounders are Tom Lawes (Surrey), Dan Mousley (Warwickshire), James Sales (Northants) and Liam Patterson-White (Notts). The quicks are Harry Crocombe (Sussex), Eddie Jack (Hants), Alfie Ogborne (Somerset), Ekansh Singh (Kent) and Mitchell Stanley (Lancashire).
But there is no mention of Joss Hull (remember him?). Maybe he is too senior for this stuff? Perhaps it all has something to do with the Lions Manager, cricketing luvvie, Andrew Flintoff.
Unanswered Premier League Questions
Why is it alright to wrestle an opponent to the ground (at most corners), tear the shirt off his back (Gabriel on Haaland), have both arms around his chest (at any free kick) but a red card offence to touch his hair? If the hair is sacrosanct then perhaps it should be protected and be required to be encased in a hair net? But why do highly paid sportsmen want to look like mediocre seventies rock stars anyway. If they were mocked, perhaps they would just get it cut?
When a gangling six foot plus overseas skinny midfielder scythes into the back of an opponent why is it OK for him to back away from the scene of the crime wagging his right forefinger at the referee? This suggests to most that he is disagreeing with the decision. Why is he not automatically booked for dissent?
King Cricket Matters
Ged sends us this report via King Cricket
Daisy and I thought it would be a nice idea to treat our niece, Lavender (daughter of Daisy’s twin sister, Buttercup) to an evening at Lord’s, with Lavender’s new beau Escamillo, who hails from Lancashire. We have treated the Bristol-based nephews Belmonte and Manolete in the past, so it only felt right.
I got to Lord’s quite early, as I had been at a long lunch, chairing the judging of the Estate Agent of the Year awards. There had been a lengthy debate about who should receive the Best In Show award. It was between the agent who described a shoebox-sized apartment as “compact, discreet and tidy” and another agent who had cunningly sold a wardrobe as “a fourth bedroom”. It seemed futile to return to the office after that.
Moreover, Daisy had very kindly volunteered to make the picnic. Daisy’s picnics are always a very tempting prospect and are also usually heaving with far more food than the group in question could possibly eat. Especially when one of the diners is joining in on the back of a five course lunch.
We waited under shelter at the top of the Allen stand for the young couple due to squally rain. When my pager went, I thought the youngsters had arrived early, but in fact it was my old friend, Stentor Baritone, who is an MCC member and happened to be around the ground for an hour or so before his evening engagement. So Stentor joined me and Daisy, helping us to make quite a large hole in the first bottle of wine.
Soon after that, Lavender and Escapillo arrived. They helped us to make an even bigger hole in that first bottle of wine. Stentor was giving the young couple the benefit of all of his years of experience in life, the universe and everything, which I’m sure must have interested them a great deal as they said very little during that period.
Soon we decided that the young couple should have a tour of the pavilion. The pavilion was very crowded as so many members were using it as suitable shelter from the increasingly unpleasant elements.
Ged is quite a well-known character around Lord’s these days, he soon realised, as various players and officials greeted him warmly and asked for the benefit of Ged’s advice as he and his increasingly awe-struck guests wandered around the various delights of the pavilion. Indeed, Ged became so full of himself in these pompous circumstances, he felt obliged to refer to himself in the Vaughnesque third person for at least one paragraph.
By the time we returned to the Allen Upper, Stentor decided to go off for his important dinner engagement, we decided it was time to start our picnic proper and the umpires decided it was time to call the match off.
Old Danes Gathering
The biennial Old Danes Gathering has come round again and, as usual, it will be held at Shepherds Bush CC on the Friday of their Cricket Week - July 24. Old Danes their wives and friends will all be welcome. The clubhouse and bar will be open from noon, and visitors normally arrive around 2pm. Please advise me at the email address below if you plan to attend so that I can add you to the attendees list which I will circulate to encourage others to come.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
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An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 282
June 2026
Spot the Ball
Out and About with the Professor
Time was when the sporting calendar was reasonably well delineated: when football stopped, cricket began, and when cricket was coming towards the end, football started up again. Anyone remember that? It was, in truth, a very long time ago.
Football ended with the Cup Final (there was only one) and that took place in early May, while the final Saturday cricket match always seemed to coincide with the last night of the Proms (ideal for the patriotic player). Even further back in time the “Matthews” Cup Final, for example, was played in mid-April.
No longer. Now the Cup Final is played before the end of the League season which, this year, finished on May 24th… except that there was one “play-off”, on the 25th. But that was not the end of the football season. That ended with the European Cup final on 30th May (warmly remembered by Arsenal fans). But that isn’t really the end either, since the World Cup starts on 11th June and goes on, and on, and on. Moreover, what looks like 12 days respite, (between the 30th and the 11th) isn’t, of course, any such thing. Between the 30th May and the start of the World Cup there are the women’s Euro Cup qualifiers and a plethora of “friendlies”, as nations prepare themselves for a visit to Trumpland. (How does one do that, by the way: a short course in supine servility, with instructions from the US media?) The amount of planned preparation suggests that the world’s football teams see match practice as rather more important than did the England cricket team last December and…they might be right about that. The World Cup final is on the 19th July, so there is another spell of relief…but it is short-lived. The football league programme begins again on the 14th August. But before that there is something called the Carabao Cup on the 7th and of course the Scottish can always be relied upon to do something importunately premature…they start on August 1st.
So not much room for cricket then. But cricket is also complicit in this calendar shifting business. Yorkshire’s season began on April 3rd with a County Championship game at Cardiff; this was four days before the “traditional” warm-up game against Leeds and Bradford universities. The last Championship game is due to end on the 27th September. (The last night of the Proms, should you feel the need to mark your card, is a fortnight earlier.)
Does any of this matter? The county championship has long ago ceded most of June, July and August to mammon, and the two sports might be able to operate concurrently. Why, in any case, is football regarded as a winter sport? Presumably it fills the space that cricket cannot – I recall that the cricketers of Melbourne, in the 19th century, took to “Aussie Rules” as a way of keeping fit in the winter. Perhaps a trip to a football match and a cricket match in one week is excessive, both in time and money, for working households – that doesn’t really affect the County Championship, since for most of the spectators, “work” is a distant memory. Yorkshire’s last county match at Headingley was the comprehensive (and somewhat unanticipated) thrashing of Surrey by an innings and plenty. The players on display could have made up an impressive England “Past and Present” team: Sibley, Burns, Smith, Lawrence, Fisher, Lyth, Root, Brook, Bairstow and Bess looks like the makings of a decent side. In the event, hundreds from Lyth and Bairstow gave Yorkshire a sizable first innings total and Surrey’s high-scoring batters failed in both innings. Root (being Root) took the chance of some useful practice and looked on his way to a big score before he got what looked to be a fairly scruffy LB decision. While Brook (being Brook) charged down the pitch to his seventh ball, swished, and was caught behind. I did not hear the sound of any applause when he returned to the pavilion. We were all friends again however in Surrey’s second innings, when Brook’s unlikely 3-11 wrapped up the win.
Root and Lyth leave the field at lunch on the first day. Lyth went on to make 141
So, Yorkshire can go into the next Championship game at Headingley with a lot of confidence. When is that? September 8th.
This & That
I could have started this off with the exciting news that Middlesex topped Division 2 of the County Championship after one game but, despite another victory, had slipped to seventh out of eight by the time we had reached the White Ball Break. There is no good news for them in the Blast as they are bottom of the South Group after two matches and no wins. But there is one man, or should I say boy, who insists on taking the limelight – Vaihab Sooryavanshi. He has featured regularly in these notes since he burst onto the scene a year ago but his performances in the last few weeks have almost defied credibility.
During the IPL season Sooryavanshi had scored a hundred and a ninety. As the regular season drew to a close Vaibhav Sooryavanshi struck 93 off 38 balls as Rajasthan Royals beat Lucknow Super Giants to boost their chances of reaching the Indian Premier League play-offs. The 15-year-old hit 10 sixes in another staggering innings. Of Sooryavanshi's 93 runs, 88 came from boundaries as he dominated the already eliminated Super Giants. He looked certain to score his second century of the campaign, only to mistime a shot off Mohsin Khan to Abdul Samad in the deep.
In the Eliminator of the competition he went a step further and scored 97 from just 29 balls in an innings which included twelve sixes. He narrowly missed beating Chris Gayle’s fastest IPL century of 30 balls. After hitting boundaries off seven balls in succession, he had one delivery to break Chris Gayle's record but was caught at deep third attempting an upper cut. Sooryavanshi had reached 50 in 16 balls His seventh six, hit in only the fourth over, broke the record for the most sixes in an IPL season - a record previously held by Gayle with 59.
Then two days later in the Qualifier his side slumped to 118 for 5 before he unleashed another onslaught but eventually fell for 96 off 47 balls. However, his side’s 214 for 6 was not enough as the Gujarat Titans eased comfortably past their total with Gill making 104.
In this match Sai Sudharsan created some sort of personal record by falling hit wicket for the second consecutive play-off match. In the 13th over, Sudharsan was batting on 58 off 32 balls and looked set to accelerate the chase of 215. He sliced a low full toss from Brijesh Sharma behind square for four, but in the follow-through, his bat slipped from his grip and crashed directly onto his own stumps.
The Gujarat Titans may beat RCB to win the trophy on Sunday, but they have not had it all their own way. In Match 60 the lowly KKR clocked up 247 for 2 with Finn Allen (remember him?) making 93 from 35 balls. GT managed just 218 for 4 in reply.
In the first Qualifier RCB beat GT having made 254 for 5 with their captain Patidar making 93 not out from 33 balls. For RCB Kohli is now opening with Venkatesh Iyer having lost both of his English (actually Welsh and West Indian) partners, Salt and Bethell, to injuries.
In the IPL the Orange Cap is passed from player to player as they become the leading run scorer in the competition and it is taken extremely seriously. Sooryavanshi (776) leads this list with just Sunday’s final to play. Only Gill (722), Sudharsan (710) and Kohli (600) can overtake him. The IPL attracts the very best players in World cricket. Only two, Klaasen and Marsh, of the top eleven scorers in the race for the Orange Cap are not Indian. The other five are Ish Kish, KL Rahul, Abishek Sharma, Jurel and Prabhsimran Singh. Those who will be watching the Hundred in August should remind themselves that there are no Indians performing and that the tournament is, therefore automatically second rate, apart from its other failings.
Its ex- Middlesex men rather than the current ones who continue to take the limelight. At Derbyshire Martin Andersson opens the batting in the T20 competition and has scored three consecutive fifties. Then in his first bowl in the competition he took 6 for 23 against Leicestershire. At Leicestershire Stevie Eskinazi rescued his adopted county from 112 for 7 to 308 all out with 100.
Meanwhile at Lords in the Surrey Blast match Ryan Higgins emulated Sudharsan when he lost his grip on the bat trying to drive Tom Curran only for the bat to loop up back over his head and land on his stumps.
The Professor keeps us up to date with the politics at Headingley, but there is still little evidence of the promised inclusion of local Indian and Muslim talent in the sides. Perhaps the closest is Moeen Ali, from the Midlands, in their Blast side, which is a real Dads’ Army set up. Recent imports include Ali at 38, AJ Tye is 39 and the Pakistani, Hasan Ali, is 32. They are captained by Jonny Bairstow who is 36.
Kiran Carlson hit a century for Glamorgan as they eased past reigning T20 Blast champions Somerset with more than six overs of their run chase to spare. He 13 fours and six sixes as the Welsh club chased down Somerset's total of 171-9 at Sophia Gardens. He had earlier made 209 in his side’s victory over Hampshire in the Championship having added 318 with ul Hassan (143) for the second wicket.
Thompson Matters
Steve has been privileged to overhear a special conversation
The process which saw eighty applicants interviewed for the post which eventually saw Marcus North appointed to the role of Senior selector for the England Men’s cricket team is well documented. Less coverage was given to the candidate who was the panel’s eightieth preference.
When Brian and Sachin told Virat that he had absolutely no chance of getting the Chief Steward’s job for major matches at Lord’s this summer, Virat (Indian mother and a father from County Cork and who used to pull pints at the old Tavern in the 80’s) replied, ‘Don’t worry boys I’ve got the luck of the Irish.’
So, in late April, on a bad line from his bedroom in Neasden he rang the Home of Cricket.
VIRAT: Hello is that Lord’s?
LORDS SWITCHBOARD: Yes, but I can hardly hear you, it’s a bad line. Who’s speaking please?
VIRAT: It’s Virat, Virat Crowley. I’m ringing about the top job.
SWITCHBOARD: Really! Goodness! Of course. Hold the line please. I’ll just transfer you.
SWITCHBOARD: Hello David, I’ve got Virat Kohli on the other line. He’s calling about the Head selector post. It’s a bad line though.
DAVID COURT (Head of Player identification at ECB): Gosh, really, I hadn’t seen that coming. He’s obviously calling from India. Put him on would you please.
COURT: Virat? Good to hear from you.
VIRAT: Thank you, Sir. Yes, I’m ringing about the top job. I think I can bring a lot to the role.
COURT: I’m sure you can Virat but as I’m sure you know we have had a lot of interest in the post.
VIRAT: I’m sure you have Sir. It’s a vital role. My mother thinks I’ve got all the qualities you’re looking for.
COURT: Of course. Can I just say though Virat, it doesn’t sound like you. Are you OK?
VIRAT: Well I was out last night with Sachin and Brian. We had a few Cobras after nine holes. I’m a bit croaky.
COURT: Ah that explains it. I didn’t realise you played golf. That’s a tick in the right box. The others will like that.
VIRAT: Obviously I wouldn’t do that the night before a big game.
COURT: Oh, that’s a shame as the others certainly would. Now, I’m aware that you have, let’s just say, a bit of a short fuse Virat. How do you see that impacting on the role?
VIRAT: Well, I’ve heard that you can be subjected to a lot of abuse from the fans. Idiots who think they know better. My good friend Sachin is calm and doesn’t overreact but I’d just tell them to F-off and carry on doing it my way, Sir.
COURT. Yes, excellent, that’s exactly the attitude we are looking for. Can I ask what you’ve done to prepare for the role?
VIRAT: Well, I’ve had my eyes tested, that might not seem much but it’s a whole lot more preparation than the England Team did last winter before that debacle down under.
COURT: Well, we are all entitled to our own view Virat. What concerns me is how you will combine your playing career with this post?
VIRAT: Well to be honest Sir, It’s only a few days a year and so I’m sure the boys won’t miss me too much.
COURT: That’s unusually modest of you Virat if I may say so. Now I want to ask you about Ollie Robinson. What do you think of him?
VIRAT: I hate the bastard Sir.
COURT: Really, why?
VIRAT: He’s a racist Sir. All those messages on social media. And those violent marches he organises are a disgrace. I wouldn’t let him into any cricket ground Sir.
COURT: Oh, we were thinking otherwise but anyway, do you have any questions for us?
VIRAT: Well, I’m aware that in this role you can’t watch much cricket. Obviously, I’ll be focusing on other things, but will there be any chance to watch many of the games?
COURT: Well between you and me we don’t consider watching the game a priority.
You might see the odd ball now and again but to be honest you’ll spend most of your time with your back to the game.
VIRAT: Ha ha! If I may say so Sir you really do sound like one of those blokes on the England selection panel. Honestly that lot couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery. Actually, that’s probably the only thing they could do. I know I’m probably speaking out of turn but they’re a complete bunch of....
COURT: ....thank you Virat, I think I get the picture. Goodbye!
Lions fail to Roar
The England Lions have just suffered their second thrashing at the hands of South Africa A. Whilst such matches don’t count for anything there must be some sort of element of national pride involved. I thought that the Lions were England’s second eleven but this is palpably not the case. The Lions are selected from a squad of players who the ECB consider should gain experience in international cricket. Therefore, nobody from the Test squad is included and in fact, because of the central nature of English cricket through the age groups, individuals may have played little or no county cricket.
So, it is unsurprising that when checking the scorecard for these matches you find yourself scrabbling for Playfair or googling names on the internet to try to establish who they are. I was surprised to see the Middlesex pair Geddes and Sharma included. Geddes has done little since his free transfer from Surrey and Sharma had certainly done nothing for Middlesex at the time of his selection.
The other batsmen are Charlie Allison (Essex), Ben McKinney (Durham), Asa Tribe (Glamorgan) and James Wharton (Yorkshire). The wicket keeper is Ben Mayes (Hampshire), the allrounders are Tom Lawes (Surrey), Dan Mousley (Warwickshire), James Sales (Northants) and Liam Patterson-White (Notts). The quicks are Harry Crocombe (Sussex), Eddie Jack (Hants), Alfie Ogborne (Somerset), Ekansh Singh (Kent) and Mitchell Stanley (Lancashire).
But there is no mention of Joss Hull (remember him?). Maybe he is too senior for this stuff? Perhaps it all has something to do with the Lions Manager, cricketing luvvie, Andrew Flintoff.
Unanswered Premier League Questions
Why is it alright to wrestle an opponent to the ground (at most corners), tear the shirt off his back (Gabriel on Haaland), have both arms around his chest (at any free kick) but a red card offence to touch his hair? If the hair is sacrosanct then perhaps it should be protected and be required to be encased in a hair net? But why do highly paid sportsmen want to look like mediocre seventies rock stars anyway. If they were mocked, perhaps they would just get it cut?
When a gangling six foot plus overseas skinny midfielder scythes into the back of an opponent why is it OK for him to back away from the scene of the crime wagging his right forefinger at the referee? This suggests to most that he is disagreeing with the decision. Why is he not automatically booked for dissent?
King Cricket Matters
Ged sends us this report via King Cricket
Daisy and I thought it would be a nice idea to treat our niece, Lavender (daughter of Daisy’s twin sister, Buttercup) to an evening at Lord’s, with Lavender’s new beau Escamillo, who hails from Lancashire. We have treated the Bristol-based nephews Belmonte and Manolete in the past, so it only felt right.
I got to Lord’s quite early, as I had been at a long lunch, chairing the judging of the Estate Agent of the Year awards. There had been a lengthy debate about who should receive the Best In Show award. It was between the agent who described a shoebox-sized apartment as “compact, discreet and tidy” and another agent who had cunningly sold a wardrobe as “a fourth bedroom”. It seemed futile to return to the office after that.
Moreover, Daisy had very kindly volunteered to make the picnic. Daisy’s picnics are always a very tempting prospect and are also usually heaving with far more food than the group in question could possibly eat. Especially when one of the diners is joining in on the back of a five course lunch.
We waited under shelter at the top of the Allen stand for the young couple due to squally rain. When my pager went, I thought the youngsters had arrived early, but in fact it was my old friend, Stentor Baritone, who is an MCC member and happened to be around the ground for an hour or so before his evening engagement. So Stentor joined me and Daisy, helping us to make quite a large hole in the first bottle of wine.
Soon after that, Lavender and Escapillo arrived. They helped us to make an even bigger hole in that first bottle of wine. Stentor was giving the young couple the benefit of all of his years of experience in life, the universe and everything, which I’m sure must have interested them a great deal as they said very little during that period.
Soon we decided that the young couple should have a tour of the pavilion. The pavilion was very crowded as so many members were using it as suitable shelter from the increasingly unpleasant elements.
Ged is quite a well-known character around Lord’s these days, he soon realised, as various players and officials greeted him warmly and asked for the benefit of Ged’s advice as he and his increasingly awe-struck guests wandered around the various delights of the pavilion. Indeed, Ged became so full of himself in these pompous circumstances, he felt obliged to refer to himself in the Vaughnesque third person for at least one paragraph.
By the time we returned to the Allen Upper, Stentor decided to go off for his important dinner engagement, we decided it was time to start our picnic proper and the umpires decided it was time to call the match off.
Old Danes Gathering
The biennial Old Danes Gathering has come round again and, as usual, it will be held at Shepherds Bush CC on the Friday of their Cricket Week - July 24. Old Danes their wives and friends will all be welcome. The clubhouse and bar will be open from noon, and visitors normally arrive around 2pm. Please advise me at the email address below if you plan to attend so that I can add you to the attendees list which I will circulate to encourage others to come.
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
[email protected]
