G&C 277
GOOGLIES & CHINAMEN
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 277
January 2026
Caption Competition 1
Ben Stokes: It didn’t go too badly did it?
Baz: Nah.
Ben Stokes: I thought that perhaps we were a little overprepared in Perth?
Baz: Yeah.
Ben Stokes: We probably needed some more sitting around doing nothing time?
Baz: Yeah.
Ben Stokes: Or playing more golf. Surely that’s the best preparation for playing test cricket?
Baz: Yeah.
Caption Competition 2
Harry Brook: I don’t understand it. I never get out to the reverse sweep in the nets.
Ben Stokes: Really?
Harry Brook: Yeah. If it goes aerial it misses the fielder.
Ben Stokes: Who says?
Harry Brook: I do.
Ben Stokes: What about when you miss it and get bowled?
Harry Brook: It’s a “No Ball”.
Ben Stokes: Who calls it?
Harry Brook: I do.
Ben Stokes: Well, that’s alright then. It should be safe enough to play in the middle during a test match.
Caption Competition 3
Ben Stokes: Its no surprise that we won in Melbourne. We have now had some match practice. Just ignore the results of the first three matches.
Jonathan Agnew: Whaaaat!
Old Wanker’s Almanack
I caught up with His Nibbs recently and he shared his predictions for the coming year
January
In the New Year’s Honours list Sir Keir Starmer becomes a Lord. He explains “it was an obvious move since I will no longer have to sit in the Commons and deal with PM’s Questions”. It is leaked that Ben Stokes was to have received a knighthood, but it had to be withdrawn at the last minute following the debacle in Australia.
The Inland Revenue fails to come up with a mechanism to reclaim Winter Fuel Payments from those whose earnings exceeded the critical point. Rachel Reeves says that it has cost the Exchequer $5b and announces that she is introducing a scheme, like “Crisis at Christmas” whereby citizens are invited to make voluntary donations.
After repeated criticism of their output the Met Office announces that it is augmenting their sophisticated computer programmes by hanging seaweed out of their windows.
A new website ”Name the Epstein Redactees” attracts vast numbers of visitors who are invited to nominate those whose names have been hidden because their inclusion would have been too delicate. Trump and Andrew Mounbatten Windsor are named since it is considered that their reputations could not be further damaged. Bill Clinton tops the list with over 10 million hits. Silvio Berlusconi attracts an impressive 3 million. Vladimir Putin attracted strong support but Justin Welby and Joe Biden both have a meagre nine nominations each. Matt Hancock apparently tried to nominate himself, but the website rejected his application.
February
The Birmingham Bin Men Strike continues and all Aston Villa home games are postponed as no one can get past the mountains of rubbish to access the ground.
The Housing Minister, Matthew Pennycook, announces that twelve new houses were built in January and that the country was now well on the way to its target of 1,500,000. The number was subsequently reduced when three of the twelve had to be demolished when it was established that Planning Permission had not been obtained.
The Sun launches an exclusive claiming that Andrew Mountbatten Windsor was the brains behind the “Grooming Gangs”. However, it is quickly discounted when it is pointed out that AMW could not have been the brains behind anything.
Thames Water’s marketing department notices that the BBC has adopted the possessive pronoun “Our” as in “Our BBC” as introduced during Covid times as “Our NHS”. However, it gains little traction as “Our Thames Water”.
As the BBC seeks a new Director General Sue Gray emerges as the favourite.
March
In the Merry Go round of Premier League English Managers Sam Allardyce is invited to take over at Wolves. He says that he is happy to take the money but points out that Wolves are already mathematically relegated.
Joey Barton appears on the PM show and is interviewed by Evan Davis. Davis opens by saying “that there are a lot of issues to unpack” and says that they should “take a deep dive to assess his recurring behaviour”. Joey tells him to “Fuck off” and leaves.
The Met Office announce that the next major storm has been named “Serves You Right” and could deposit 30cm of rain in parts of the country. No-one knows how much this is in “old money” and so they leave their umbrellas at home.
President Trump pardons all Americans charged with sexual misconduct saying that women have been subject to this behaviour since time immemorial. Therefore, the Justice system should not be cluttered up by these cases.
The ECB states that they expect Mark Wood to be fit for the tests in May.
April
A spokesman for the BBC states that the corporation shows no bias in its coverage and will maintain its liberal viewpoint but adds that it will not tolerate extreme views of any nature…
At last the Government accepts that the doctors’ salary claims are valid since they earn about half that of their professional peers (lawyers, accountants, bankers etc) and spent a longer time in training.
The English Tourist Board praises the beneficial impact of global warming which is boosting visitors to the UK because of the milder winters and warmer summers.
The “one in one out” deal with France to repatriate asylum seekers is formally abandoned when the National Statistical Office declares that it didn’t statistically make sense.
King Charles announces that he plans to take an active part in the design and building of new housing estates. When he attempts to attend a high-level meeting Taylor Wimpey, Bellway, Persimmon and Barratt all tell him to “Bugger off”.
May
In the local government elections the Reform Party has a landslide victory and now control 95% of all local councils. They announce that local councils will immediately stop implementing directives from central government and, moreover, demand that a general election be held forthwith.
The test series against New Zealand starts and none of the England side have had any match practice since the series in Sri Lanka in February. Stokes defends this policy saying ”You see what happens when they play, the bowlers all get injured”.
The Premier League sues FIFA for its constant interruptions to their winter programme through the international breaks. FIFA responds that Donald Trump is their new President and so they should probably back down.
The Met Office announces that the next big storm will be called “The Big Bopper”. They fail to mention that it will probably only affect the Outer Hebrides.
June
The Housing Minister reports that due to bad weather in May only seventeen new houses were built but he remains confident that the 1,500,000 target will be met.
Lord Starmer says that he finds the company convivial in the Lords and has decided to continue his Premiership as a Tory.
Leading Accounting firms are called in to help fudge the numbers to show that Defence spending has been increased.
In a desperate attempt to kick start the economy Rachel Reeves stops all welfare payments to those not working and the Minimum Wage rules are put on hold for new hires. The unemployment figures immediately plummet and the CBI reports brisk business and activity levels. Rachel Reeves is thrown out of the Labour Party but is widely hailed as a national hero.
Out and About with the Professor
Supporting the England cricket team is hard. Supporting the England cricket team away from home is harder. Supporting the England cricket team in Australia is hardest…by a very long way.
Australians don’t seem to have entirely grasped the concept of magnanimity, nor even, one suspects, how to spell it. What they are good at is winning cricket matches and letting you know they have won - just in case after sitting for five days in the melting sun, that had passed you by.
It doesn’t help that we seem to play so badly in Australia. It was reasonable to predict that our bowling would not be adequate for an Ashes series, especially (obviously) spin bowling. It also seemed probable that one or both of our very rapid pace men would break down. Both predictions, sadly, came true. What, surely, was less likely, was that the batting should fail so badly and so often. How can a side that has Jacks at 8 not record substantial totals? The answer is not just that some players are out of form (although clearly Duckett, who looked out of touch before the series started, and Pope, who has looked very fragile here, certainly are). Batters have played some dreadful shots to get out: Smith has holed out twice to fielders three quarters back, blatantly placed there for the purpose. Add to that his was/wasn’t out caught behind which, irrespective of the utterly discredited “Snicko”, was a poor shot. Ditto Brook’s reverse sweep, Archer’s carve to deep point, and several others. They see fielders placed there - we all see fielders placed there - so…why not hit it somewhere else? Of course, it’s just slightly easier to say than to do, but that’s their job. Cummins has set ultra defensive fields here (as he did in England two years ago), tailenders come to the crease with three on the leg side fence and two on the off. The message is clear, we are relying on you to get yourself out…and we have often obliged. Smith is an obvious example of this. He is clearly a gifted batter (as well as a pretty poor keeper) and he is very young. But inexperience is no excuse. At whatever level he has played, up to now, he must have realised that fielders are placed where they are for a reason. Surely, he can’t have played only under captains who walk onto the pitch and say: “Spread out!”. We can all see it predictably unfold in front of us. One of the many things lost in just watching on TV is just that element of drama: the batter plays upishly though mid-wicket, the captain strengthens the field there, so now, will he do it again? Too often, with England, we know the answer before the question has been put.
The Australians clearly have plans for each batter. Presumably we do too…but not so clearly.
Having said all that, the third Test was at least a contest and one where Australia were better in all departments, most obviously the bowling. It’s difficult to resist the conclusion that the first two games were lost by England rather than won by Australia - and the first Test was thrown away.
There are comparisons, of course, everywhere; most glaring perhaps in the keeping and the spin bowling (Jacks bowled too short throughout and managed a whole over of long hops to Head, whose strength, as we all know, is off the back foot through the covers).
It wouldn’t be Australia without something bizarre - remember the mayor of Brisbane preparing the pitch? - this time it was Snicko with the operator taking the sound from the wrong stump mic. It was an error that just happened and to benefit Australia…twice. Within minutes there was a Facebook picture of the operator at his screen…it was Steve Smith.
Lyon bowling to Smith, shortly before he chipped to ball to Cummins.
The flight to Melbourne is quite short and only needs a small plane; ours was just big enough to accommodate us and the entire England team, plus wives, babies, and back-room staff. They were very quiet and subdued…as were we. Two things are true: first, the players are much taller than “on TV”, second, the players are much younger than “on TV”. It came as a surprise to see Smith, who appears to have just hung up his sixth form blazer, carrying a baby.
Melbourne is a vibrant modern city with some striking contemporary architecture and (perhaps rather too many) high rise offices and hotels. Mr Matt Page is a local “well respected” resident. He is, according to the local paper, “widely acknowledged” as an expert in his field. The acknowledgement among travelling English cricket supporters was indeed widespread but not exactly fulsome. A large number of them were of the opinion that Mr Page should be sacked, the sooner the better. He is, of course, the “curator” of the MCG. His most important task, once in every four years, is to prepare a wicket for the Boxing Day Ashes Test. What he managed to create was something akin to the average suburban lawn, with the predictable outcome of a nearly impossible pitch to bat on. “Nearly” because there was always the chance of a short or over-pitched ball giving a scoring opportunity, but anything straight on a full length just flew past the inside or outside edge of some of the best batters in the world. Tongue and Neser were, in effect, bowling 85 mph off-breaks. If anyone reading this knows how to play 85 mph off-breaks I feel certain that a ready audience could be found for their views. 30 wickets fell by 2 pm on Day Two and 36 before the end of play. According to Mr Stephan Shemilt, who appears to be the BBC’s correspondent in Melbourne, this was all very entertaining and indeed “thrilling”. Now I suppose that if by “thrilling” you mean that no one has the slightest idea what will happen next, it might be true. But I doubt too many people watch cricket with that wish. Indeed, two people who might give Mr Shemilt an argument were the couple I met in the hotel lift, who had just flown in from the USA with tickets for Day 3 at a venue they had longed to visit. Perhaps they will come again for the 150th anniversary. We are all being urged to come. Will they? Will we? Will anyone…for two days?
England won the match and knocked off the highest total because they recognised that the only chance was to swish, swipe and slog. That playing a perfectly decent shot to a full-length ball was only going to get you caught behind or in the slips…which is what happened to Australia on the second morning. It seems almost unimaginable to be writing this: England bowled out the entire Australian team for 128 runs on the second morning of a Test match. Only Head got to grips with it at all by doing his own version of swiping and slogging. Duckett showed the art at its fullest intent by wild swishes at his first three balls. Then came Carse and the plans were obvious: play straight here and you have no chance. Finally, Bazball has its vindication…thanks to Mr Page.
In sum, it was a ridiculous game of cricket, with only one saving (but delightful) grace…we beat the bastards.
This & That
Indian teenager Vaibhav Suryavanshi made history when he became the youngest player to score a century in men's List A cricket. Still just 14 years old he reached three figures off just 36 balls in Bihar's Vijay Hazare Trophy opener against Arunachal Pradesh. Suryavanshi also broke South Africa great AB de Villiers' 64-ball record for the fastest 150 in men's List A cricket, reaching the milestone in 59 deliveries, before being dismissed for 190 off 84 balls. It was one of three centuries made by Bihar players as they posted a mammoth 574-6 - the highest total in men's List A cricket, which is the highest form of limited-overs matches, including one-day internationals - and only the second time a team has passed 500 in a 50-over innings. His knock included 16 fours and 15 sixes and was just his seventh List A game since making his debut in December 2024.
New Zealand's Tom Latham and Devon Conway became the first openers in Test cricket to score centuries in both innings as the Kiwis set the West Indies a record 462-run chase for victory. Latham scored 137 and 101 in the third and final Test of the series, while Conway added to his 227 in the first innings with a 100 in the second. The pair had put on 323 in the first innings and combined for 515 runs overall, which is a record for an opening pair's total in a Test match.
Conway also became just the 10th batter in Test history to score a double hundred and a hundred in the same match. He followed Greg Chappell, Sunil Gavaskar, Shubman Gill, Graham Gooch, Marnus Labuschagne, Brian Lara, Lawrence Rowe, Kumar Sangakkara and Doug Walters in achieving that feat.
In the Big Bash League, the Perth Scorchers made 257 for 6 and then dismissed Colin Munro with the first ball of the Brisbane Heat innings. But Wildermuth (110*) and Renshaw (102) added 212 for the second wicket and the Heat went on to win by eight wickets from the penultimate ball of the match.
Thompson Matters
As play began at the MCG on Boxing Day I thought the Barmy Army could use a little something to reflect their feelings and lift their Christmas spirits - singing to the tune of Deck the Halls. By the end of Day 1 -the words seemed just as apt. Little did I know that the Army wouldn’t be in the ground for Day 3!
Feckin’ Bazball’s Test Match folly
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Whoops they’ve dropped another dolly
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Should be in their blue apparel
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Aussies have them oe’r a barrel
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Stark takes wickets at his leisure
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Head has every bowler’s measure
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Send home all the Noosa ravers
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Jacob Bethell’s here to save us
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Batting like a load of arses
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Bowling lengths as short as Carse’s
Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
Snicko can’t detect a feather
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
At least we can enjoy the weather
Bar bar bar bar bar bar bar bar bar.
Cricket has always had a rich and ever-developing lexicon and never more so than in the era of white ball hyperbole. For understandable reasons we now of course have batters but with less necessity we also have the grab.
One term that may have been in parlance for longer than I am aware but caught my attention when used by both Phil Tufnell and Steve Finn during the First Test is ‘clothed’ (as in frothed) used to describe something more commonly known as a mis-hit.
There seems no reason why this concept of a mis-timed, poorly executed shot should not be refined to reflect more precisely the type of shot.
So for example, a clothed french cut would be chiffoned, a checked drive, ginghamed except when played by a Scottish batter when it would be tartaned. A spandexed drive holds its shape but is still clothed and baized shots are commonly caused by leaving 10mm or more of grass on a Test wicket.
I’ve just read Joe Root’s assessment of Bethell’s Day 2 contribution where he apparently bought lots of ‘smarts’ to the run chase. I’m definitely getting old.
And finally, to next year’s 2026 Oxford English Dictionary word of the year: Bazbollocks .
Here is an excellent example of it being used by Rob Key who is absolutely fluent. The quotes may have been BBC-spliced and I have informed my lawyer.
‘In hindsight it’s very difficult to argue that it's been right. The answer isn't yes, I would have gone and played four games against state teams - I don't think that is possible in this day and age - but we still had to be better with what we did. Sometimes we make stupid decisions as players out there in the middle. We've got to try and equip them to be able to make better decisions when the pressure's really on. One of the problems with the Bazball narrative is me and Brendon, we've never spoken about 'we've got to score quick; this pitch is five an over'. What we're trying to do is create an environment where people can maximise their potential and you then pick the style that you want. I'm not in the dressing room all the time to know exactly what happens, but there's been many occasions where you've seen players challenge, where the players have driven it.’
After Melbourne, I think we may be hearing Bazbollocks for a little while longer.
Crocks Corner
In this era when bowlers have to carry out inappropriate fitness regimes and then spend more time on the treatment bench than actually bowling this feature celebrates the manifold complaints of these elite athletes. Feel free to submit anything you notice
“Fast bowler Mark Wood has been ruled out of England's Ashes tour and replaced in the squad by Matthew Fisher. Wood only returned to action in the first Test in Perth after eight months out following knee surgery. The 35-year-old subsequently suffered swelling in the same left knee and was forced to miss the second Test.”
“Pace bowler Jofra Archer has been ruled out of the remainder of the Ashes series in another huge blow to England on a wretched tour of Australia. The 30-year-old, who returned to Test cricket after a four-year absence in July, has suffered a side strain. He will miss the fourth Test in Melbourne on Boxing Day, and the fifth Test in Sydney in the new year.”
“Gus Atkinson has become the third England pace bowler to be ruled out of the Ashes series after confirmation he will miss the final Test against Australia in Sydney. Atkinson suffered an injury to his left hamstring on the second and final morning of England's win in the fourth Test in Melbourne.”
Old Danes Matters
I received the following from Ken Bromfield:
Gerald Bunyan who was at Danes from 1953-1960 died last week.
If anyone want to be kept in the loop re arrangements, they should let me know via my contact details below.
Ken Bromfield MBE Chartered FCIPD FIScT
ARK BDA Careers & Destinations link governor
14 Skelwith Rd
London
W6 9EX
Mobile: 078 357 13109
Office: 020 8 748 8231
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
is produced by
James Sharp
Broad Lee House
Combs
High Peak
SK23 9XA
[email protected]
An Occasional Cricketing Journal
Edition 277
January 2026
Caption Competition 1
Ben Stokes: It didn’t go too badly did it?
Baz: Nah.
Ben Stokes: I thought that perhaps we were a little overprepared in Perth?
Baz: Yeah.
Ben Stokes: We probably needed some more sitting around doing nothing time?
Baz: Yeah.
Ben Stokes: Or playing more golf. Surely that’s the best preparation for playing test cricket?
Baz: Yeah.
Caption Competition 2
Harry Brook: I don’t understand it. I never get out to the reverse sweep in the nets.
Ben Stokes: Really?
Harry Brook: Yeah. If it goes aerial it misses the fielder.
Ben Stokes: Who says?
Harry Brook: I do.
Ben Stokes: What about when you miss it and get bowled?
Harry Brook: It’s a “No Ball”.
Ben Stokes: Who calls it?
Harry Brook: I do.
Ben Stokes: Well, that’s alright then. It should be safe enough to play in the middle during a test match.
Caption Competition 3
Ben Stokes: Its no surprise that we won in Melbourne. We have now had some match practice. Just ignore the results of the first three matches.
Jonathan Agnew: Whaaaat!
Old Wanker’s Almanack
I caught up with His Nibbs recently and he shared his predictions for the coming year
January
In the New Year’s Honours list Sir Keir Starmer becomes a Lord. He explains “it was an obvious move since I will no longer have to sit in the Commons and deal with PM’s Questions”. It is leaked that Ben Stokes was to have received a knighthood, but it had to be withdrawn at the last minute following the debacle in Australia.
The Inland Revenue fails to come up with a mechanism to reclaim Winter Fuel Payments from those whose earnings exceeded the critical point. Rachel Reeves says that it has cost the Exchequer $5b and announces that she is introducing a scheme, like “Crisis at Christmas” whereby citizens are invited to make voluntary donations.
After repeated criticism of their output the Met Office announces that it is augmenting their sophisticated computer programmes by hanging seaweed out of their windows.
A new website ”Name the Epstein Redactees” attracts vast numbers of visitors who are invited to nominate those whose names have been hidden because their inclusion would have been too delicate. Trump and Andrew Mounbatten Windsor are named since it is considered that their reputations could not be further damaged. Bill Clinton tops the list with over 10 million hits. Silvio Berlusconi attracts an impressive 3 million. Vladimir Putin attracted strong support but Justin Welby and Joe Biden both have a meagre nine nominations each. Matt Hancock apparently tried to nominate himself, but the website rejected his application.
February
The Birmingham Bin Men Strike continues and all Aston Villa home games are postponed as no one can get past the mountains of rubbish to access the ground.
The Housing Minister, Matthew Pennycook, announces that twelve new houses were built in January and that the country was now well on the way to its target of 1,500,000. The number was subsequently reduced when three of the twelve had to be demolished when it was established that Planning Permission had not been obtained.
The Sun launches an exclusive claiming that Andrew Mountbatten Windsor was the brains behind the “Grooming Gangs”. However, it is quickly discounted when it is pointed out that AMW could not have been the brains behind anything.
Thames Water’s marketing department notices that the BBC has adopted the possessive pronoun “Our” as in “Our BBC” as introduced during Covid times as “Our NHS”. However, it gains little traction as “Our Thames Water”.
As the BBC seeks a new Director General Sue Gray emerges as the favourite.
March
In the Merry Go round of Premier League English Managers Sam Allardyce is invited to take over at Wolves. He says that he is happy to take the money but points out that Wolves are already mathematically relegated.
Joey Barton appears on the PM show and is interviewed by Evan Davis. Davis opens by saying “that there are a lot of issues to unpack” and says that they should “take a deep dive to assess his recurring behaviour”. Joey tells him to “Fuck off” and leaves.
The Met Office announce that the next major storm has been named “Serves You Right” and could deposit 30cm of rain in parts of the country. No-one knows how much this is in “old money” and so they leave their umbrellas at home.
President Trump pardons all Americans charged with sexual misconduct saying that women have been subject to this behaviour since time immemorial. Therefore, the Justice system should not be cluttered up by these cases.
The ECB states that they expect Mark Wood to be fit for the tests in May.
April
A spokesman for the BBC states that the corporation shows no bias in its coverage and will maintain its liberal viewpoint but adds that it will not tolerate extreme views of any nature…
At last the Government accepts that the doctors’ salary claims are valid since they earn about half that of their professional peers (lawyers, accountants, bankers etc) and spent a longer time in training.
The English Tourist Board praises the beneficial impact of global warming which is boosting visitors to the UK because of the milder winters and warmer summers.
The “one in one out” deal with France to repatriate asylum seekers is formally abandoned when the National Statistical Office declares that it didn’t statistically make sense.
King Charles announces that he plans to take an active part in the design and building of new housing estates. When he attempts to attend a high-level meeting Taylor Wimpey, Bellway, Persimmon and Barratt all tell him to “Bugger off”.
May
In the local government elections the Reform Party has a landslide victory and now control 95% of all local councils. They announce that local councils will immediately stop implementing directives from central government and, moreover, demand that a general election be held forthwith.
The test series against New Zealand starts and none of the England side have had any match practice since the series in Sri Lanka in February. Stokes defends this policy saying ”You see what happens when they play, the bowlers all get injured”.
The Premier League sues FIFA for its constant interruptions to their winter programme through the international breaks. FIFA responds that Donald Trump is their new President and so they should probably back down.
The Met Office announces that the next big storm will be called “The Big Bopper”. They fail to mention that it will probably only affect the Outer Hebrides.
June
The Housing Minister reports that due to bad weather in May only seventeen new houses were built but he remains confident that the 1,500,000 target will be met.
Lord Starmer says that he finds the company convivial in the Lords and has decided to continue his Premiership as a Tory.
Leading Accounting firms are called in to help fudge the numbers to show that Defence spending has been increased.
In a desperate attempt to kick start the economy Rachel Reeves stops all welfare payments to those not working and the Minimum Wage rules are put on hold for new hires. The unemployment figures immediately plummet and the CBI reports brisk business and activity levels. Rachel Reeves is thrown out of the Labour Party but is widely hailed as a national hero.
Out and About with the Professor
Supporting the England cricket team is hard. Supporting the England cricket team away from home is harder. Supporting the England cricket team in Australia is hardest…by a very long way.
Australians don’t seem to have entirely grasped the concept of magnanimity, nor even, one suspects, how to spell it. What they are good at is winning cricket matches and letting you know they have won - just in case after sitting for five days in the melting sun, that had passed you by.
It doesn’t help that we seem to play so badly in Australia. It was reasonable to predict that our bowling would not be adequate for an Ashes series, especially (obviously) spin bowling. It also seemed probable that one or both of our very rapid pace men would break down. Both predictions, sadly, came true. What, surely, was less likely, was that the batting should fail so badly and so often. How can a side that has Jacks at 8 not record substantial totals? The answer is not just that some players are out of form (although clearly Duckett, who looked out of touch before the series started, and Pope, who has looked very fragile here, certainly are). Batters have played some dreadful shots to get out: Smith has holed out twice to fielders three quarters back, blatantly placed there for the purpose. Add to that his was/wasn’t out caught behind which, irrespective of the utterly discredited “Snicko”, was a poor shot. Ditto Brook’s reverse sweep, Archer’s carve to deep point, and several others. They see fielders placed there - we all see fielders placed there - so…why not hit it somewhere else? Of course, it’s just slightly easier to say than to do, but that’s their job. Cummins has set ultra defensive fields here (as he did in England two years ago), tailenders come to the crease with three on the leg side fence and two on the off. The message is clear, we are relying on you to get yourself out…and we have often obliged. Smith is an obvious example of this. He is clearly a gifted batter (as well as a pretty poor keeper) and he is very young. But inexperience is no excuse. At whatever level he has played, up to now, he must have realised that fielders are placed where they are for a reason. Surely, he can’t have played only under captains who walk onto the pitch and say: “Spread out!”. We can all see it predictably unfold in front of us. One of the many things lost in just watching on TV is just that element of drama: the batter plays upishly though mid-wicket, the captain strengthens the field there, so now, will he do it again? Too often, with England, we know the answer before the question has been put.
The Australians clearly have plans for each batter. Presumably we do too…but not so clearly.
Having said all that, the third Test was at least a contest and one where Australia were better in all departments, most obviously the bowling. It’s difficult to resist the conclusion that the first two games were lost by England rather than won by Australia - and the first Test was thrown away.
There are comparisons, of course, everywhere; most glaring perhaps in the keeping and the spin bowling (Jacks bowled too short throughout and managed a whole over of long hops to Head, whose strength, as we all know, is off the back foot through the covers).
It wouldn’t be Australia without something bizarre - remember the mayor of Brisbane preparing the pitch? - this time it was Snicko with the operator taking the sound from the wrong stump mic. It was an error that just happened and to benefit Australia…twice. Within minutes there was a Facebook picture of the operator at his screen…it was Steve Smith.
Lyon bowling to Smith, shortly before he chipped to ball to Cummins.
The flight to Melbourne is quite short and only needs a small plane; ours was just big enough to accommodate us and the entire England team, plus wives, babies, and back-room staff. They were very quiet and subdued…as were we. Two things are true: first, the players are much taller than “on TV”, second, the players are much younger than “on TV”. It came as a surprise to see Smith, who appears to have just hung up his sixth form blazer, carrying a baby.
Melbourne is a vibrant modern city with some striking contemporary architecture and (perhaps rather too many) high rise offices and hotels. Mr Matt Page is a local “well respected” resident. He is, according to the local paper, “widely acknowledged” as an expert in his field. The acknowledgement among travelling English cricket supporters was indeed widespread but not exactly fulsome. A large number of them were of the opinion that Mr Page should be sacked, the sooner the better. He is, of course, the “curator” of the MCG. His most important task, once in every four years, is to prepare a wicket for the Boxing Day Ashes Test. What he managed to create was something akin to the average suburban lawn, with the predictable outcome of a nearly impossible pitch to bat on. “Nearly” because there was always the chance of a short or over-pitched ball giving a scoring opportunity, but anything straight on a full length just flew past the inside or outside edge of some of the best batters in the world. Tongue and Neser were, in effect, bowling 85 mph off-breaks. If anyone reading this knows how to play 85 mph off-breaks I feel certain that a ready audience could be found for their views. 30 wickets fell by 2 pm on Day Two and 36 before the end of play. According to Mr Stephan Shemilt, who appears to be the BBC’s correspondent in Melbourne, this was all very entertaining and indeed “thrilling”. Now I suppose that if by “thrilling” you mean that no one has the slightest idea what will happen next, it might be true. But I doubt too many people watch cricket with that wish. Indeed, two people who might give Mr Shemilt an argument were the couple I met in the hotel lift, who had just flown in from the USA with tickets for Day 3 at a venue they had longed to visit. Perhaps they will come again for the 150th anniversary. We are all being urged to come. Will they? Will we? Will anyone…for two days?
England won the match and knocked off the highest total because they recognised that the only chance was to swish, swipe and slog. That playing a perfectly decent shot to a full-length ball was only going to get you caught behind or in the slips…which is what happened to Australia on the second morning. It seems almost unimaginable to be writing this: England bowled out the entire Australian team for 128 runs on the second morning of a Test match. Only Head got to grips with it at all by doing his own version of swiping and slogging. Duckett showed the art at its fullest intent by wild swishes at his first three balls. Then came Carse and the plans were obvious: play straight here and you have no chance. Finally, Bazball has its vindication…thanks to Mr Page.
In sum, it was a ridiculous game of cricket, with only one saving (but delightful) grace…we beat the bastards.
This & That
Indian teenager Vaibhav Suryavanshi made history when he became the youngest player to score a century in men's List A cricket. Still just 14 years old he reached three figures off just 36 balls in Bihar's Vijay Hazare Trophy opener against Arunachal Pradesh. Suryavanshi also broke South Africa great AB de Villiers' 64-ball record for the fastest 150 in men's List A cricket, reaching the milestone in 59 deliveries, before being dismissed for 190 off 84 balls. It was one of three centuries made by Bihar players as they posted a mammoth 574-6 - the highest total in men's List A cricket, which is the highest form of limited-overs matches, including one-day internationals - and only the second time a team has passed 500 in a 50-over innings. His knock included 16 fours and 15 sixes and was just his seventh List A game since making his debut in December 2024.
New Zealand's Tom Latham and Devon Conway became the first openers in Test cricket to score centuries in both innings as the Kiwis set the West Indies a record 462-run chase for victory. Latham scored 137 and 101 in the third and final Test of the series, while Conway added to his 227 in the first innings with a 100 in the second. The pair had put on 323 in the first innings and combined for 515 runs overall, which is a record for an opening pair's total in a Test match.
Conway also became just the 10th batter in Test history to score a double hundred and a hundred in the same match. He followed Greg Chappell, Sunil Gavaskar, Shubman Gill, Graham Gooch, Marnus Labuschagne, Brian Lara, Lawrence Rowe, Kumar Sangakkara and Doug Walters in achieving that feat.
In the Big Bash League, the Perth Scorchers made 257 for 6 and then dismissed Colin Munro with the first ball of the Brisbane Heat innings. But Wildermuth (110*) and Renshaw (102) added 212 for the second wicket and the Heat went on to win by eight wickets from the penultimate ball of the match.
Thompson Matters
As play began at the MCG on Boxing Day I thought the Barmy Army could use a little something to reflect their feelings and lift their Christmas spirits - singing to the tune of Deck the Halls. By the end of Day 1 -the words seemed just as apt. Little did I know that the Army wouldn’t be in the ground for Day 3!
Feckin’ Bazball’s Test Match folly
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Whoops they’ve dropped another dolly
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Should be in their blue apparel
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Aussies have them oe’r a barrel
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Stark takes wickets at his leisure
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Head has every bowler’s measure
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Send home all the Noosa ravers
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Jacob Bethell’s here to save us
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Batting like a load of arses
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Bowling lengths as short as Carse’s
Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
Snicko can’t detect a feather
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
At least we can enjoy the weather
Bar bar bar bar bar bar bar bar bar.
Cricket has always had a rich and ever-developing lexicon and never more so than in the era of white ball hyperbole. For understandable reasons we now of course have batters but with less necessity we also have the grab.
One term that may have been in parlance for longer than I am aware but caught my attention when used by both Phil Tufnell and Steve Finn during the First Test is ‘clothed’ (as in frothed) used to describe something more commonly known as a mis-hit.
There seems no reason why this concept of a mis-timed, poorly executed shot should not be refined to reflect more precisely the type of shot.
So for example, a clothed french cut would be chiffoned, a checked drive, ginghamed except when played by a Scottish batter when it would be tartaned. A spandexed drive holds its shape but is still clothed and baized shots are commonly caused by leaving 10mm or more of grass on a Test wicket.
I’ve just read Joe Root’s assessment of Bethell’s Day 2 contribution where he apparently bought lots of ‘smarts’ to the run chase. I’m definitely getting old.
And finally, to next year’s 2026 Oxford English Dictionary word of the year: Bazbollocks .
Here is an excellent example of it being used by Rob Key who is absolutely fluent. The quotes may have been BBC-spliced and I have informed my lawyer.
‘In hindsight it’s very difficult to argue that it's been right. The answer isn't yes, I would have gone and played four games against state teams - I don't think that is possible in this day and age - but we still had to be better with what we did. Sometimes we make stupid decisions as players out there in the middle. We've got to try and equip them to be able to make better decisions when the pressure's really on. One of the problems with the Bazball narrative is me and Brendon, we've never spoken about 'we've got to score quick; this pitch is five an over'. What we're trying to do is create an environment where people can maximise their potential and you then pick the style that you want. I'm not in the dressing room all the time to know exactly what happens, but there's been many occasions where you've seen players challenge, where the players have driven it.’
After Melbourne, I think we may be hearing Bazbollocks for a little while longer.
Crocks Corner
In this era when bowlers have to carry out inappropriate fitness regimes and then spend more time on the treatment bench than actually bowling this feature celebrates the manifold complaints of these elite athletes. Feel free to submit anything you notice
“Fast bowler Mark Wood has been ruled out of England's Ashes tour and replaced in the squad by Matthew Fisher. Wood only returned to action in the first Test in Perth after eight months out following knee surgery. The 35-year-old subsequently suffered swelling in the same left knee and was forced to miss the second Test.”
“Pace bowler Jofra Archer has been ruled out of the remainder of the Ashes series in another huge blow to England on a wretched tour of Australia. The 30-year-old, who returned to Test cricket after a four-year absence in July, has suffered a side strain. He will miss the fourth Test in Melbourne on Boxing Day, and the fifth Test in Sydney in the new year.”
“Gus Atkinson has become the third England pace bowler to be ruled out of the Ashes series after confirmation he will miss the final Test against Australia in Sydney. Atkinson suffered an injury to his left hamstring on the second and final morning of England's win in the fourth Test in Melbourne.”
Old Danes Matters
I received the following from Ken Bromfield:
Gerald Bunyan who was at Danes from 1953-1960 died last week.
If anyone want to be kept in the loop re arrangements, they should let me know via my contact details below.
Ken Bromfield MBE Chartered FCIPD FIScT
ARK BDA Careers & Destinations link governor
14 Skelwith Rd
London
W6 9EX
Mobile: 078 357 13109
Office: 020 8 748 8231
Googlies Website
All the back editions of Googlies can be found on the G&C website. There are also many photographs most of which have never appeared in Googlies.
www.googliesandchinamen.com
Googlies and Chinamen
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James Sharp
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